Dear Diary,
I do not know how to begin. When Nur Kasih came back into my life, some parts of our conversation gave me the hint that she is sick. I had asked her once about it but she brushed it off like it was nothing serious. Being me, I pushed her for an answer. She did not give in to me. I gave in, being me again. That is the thing about me when I am with her. It never changed. I was like that 15 years ago and I am still like that now. I thought I could change and have it my way but not with this woman. She may seem soft and tame but she has a heart of steel and fierce as a lioness.
We video called on Whassap yesterday afternoon and I was my usual playful self with her. I danced cheekily for her to watch and I looked at her on the phone. I thought to myself, this is the woman I fell in love with 15 years ago. We broke up for reasons I wish to keep private but it was surely not what I had asked for. I was with several women after that and I was head over heels with one of them until Nur Kasih came. In an instant she makes me forget about my past love stories. It is her I am sure but I was also determined to look into the future and disregard all my sad love stories. So I have to say Nur Kasih plays a major part.
When I looked at her, I long to feel her tender touch and I yearn for her motherly love. Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. This love is real I know because she makes me forget my pain and heartaches. She makes me forget the woman I thought I was once so in love with. No other women could do it except her. If I had a single flower for every time I think of her, I could walk forever in my garden. I was totally myself when I was with her and I still am. She looked at me from where she was smiling and giggling at my silliness. I showed her my room and even showed her where I keep my underwears and both of us laughed. She has this laughter that I love hearing. Her voice is sweet and when she laughs, it gives me the urge to want more of it. I want her attention and I want to give her mine.
Finally, she showed me a picture of her toenail. There was a black vertical stripe on the nail. I did not understand the message behind the picture. I simply thought it was just another picture of her. And then, she asked me to search what is Melanoma Nail. I did and my heart almost stopped beating. For a second, my thoughts were racing through my mind. Melanoma is a type of cancer that begins in melanocytes (cells that make the pigment melanin). Cutaneous melanoma is the most aggressive form of skin cancer. When it has spread (metastatic cutaneous melanoma), the prognosis is very poor.
I stopped everything that I was doing and continued reading about it. My heart felt heavy. I closed my eyes and I thought of her and I thought of her love that fills this empty heart of mine. I covered my face with my palms. I did not expect this. I felt so sad that only God could understand. I started to imagine things I did not want to happen. My brother died of cancer and how could I not think of death. I do not want this. This news is too shocking for me. If only I could be there for her and give her a tight hug. If only I could take all of her pain away if only I could hold her in my arms and make her feel the warmth of my love.
Nur Kasih did not want to elaborate even after much pestering from me. I wanted to seek the truth from her. I needed to. I felt the need to know. She did not let me. I prayed hard for her. I cried to Allah begging him to cure her. I supposed Allah is the only one that can help. He hears and He listens. There must be reasons why she came back into my life. I knew it all along and I am ready for this. Come what may, my love, we will go through this together. You and me, with all the strengths we have, with every beat of our heart, every day without end, we will fight this. We will find a way, my love. You have reached out for me when I felt the sun came crashing down on me so I will stand by you because right now, you are the place I call home.
PS: Percaya yang Faj sayang Ein….sayang sekali.
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