The Stories In My Path...

Dear Diary,

I received a phone call from Pumpkin this morning telling me that she was with Hanny. When she mentioned Hanny, I paused for awhile. I tried recalling which Hanny she was referring to when it just occured to me that it was my car she was referring to. Hanny did not have any problem to start. I was not surprised because I have left Hanny many times on her own when I was away and never had any problems starting her whenever I came back. That is why I am always proud of Hanny and have always love her more than myself. She has never let me down Diary and she is the reason why I am happy. Pumpkin told me that she felt tempted to drive Hanny around the car park and I allowed her to do so. Pumpkin deserves to feel how Hanny is like and Hanny also deserves to be driven around. I hope the two can get along fine and will compliment each other. *Grins*

How are you Diary? I have been thinking of you but I just do not know what to write to you. My life in Singapore has progress moderately. I am building my career from scratch and I have to start everything from zero. There will be a lot of changes in my life. When the selling process of this house is done, I will move to a new house in a new environment. I can see that I will be busy in the near future as our first appointment with the Housing Development Board is on the first week of May and by then, I have probably started the full launch of my career and also I will have my hands tied to packing, moving, unpacking and organising the new house. I am sure I will not be able to write to you during those times. I hope you understand Diary.

Oh, by the way it looks like I will eventually be having the house in Subang all to myself.  Paranoid text me yesterday with news that she might have to give up her tenancy in April if she is still unable to find a job by March. She did not tell me more but by reading between the lines I knew she might have dried up her savings. She has been unemployed for almost five months now. Her source of income for the five months came mainly from her savings which she boasted to me could last her for six months without employment. I did not try to talk her to stay neither did I try to sound happy knowing the fact there is a possibility that I will be the queen of the house soon. I did not want to get too excited for a news that is still uncertain. Moreover, she will only give up the tenancy if she is not able to find herself an employer by March which is just around the corner. I let her know that I am open to whatever decision she will make and I will refund her deposit a month later ater she leaves the house officially.

It seems to me that I have to have lots and lots of cash by May. If Paranoid is really leaving in April, I will have to refund her deposit in May and it is also in May that I have to renew Hanny's road tax and insurance. Oh Diary, this is really stressful, as if they cannot take a number and come knocking on my door one at a time. Everything seems to come all at one time putting my endurance and perseverence at test. I supposed it is not going to be a smooth sailing on my birthday in 2010 afterall. Perhaps this is a gift from God to knock some sense of factuality into my indistinct visionary frenzied self and mind. Whatever it is, I am ready and hopeful of everything that will come in my path.

I have talked a lot with Gummy Bear since I came back to Singapore. She is having some relationship problems and I supposed she needs a friend more than she needs money now. I can imagine how she feels right now. I have been there in her shoes and there is nothing more soothing and comforting than a friend who is willing to sit next to you listening to your predicaments without saying anything at all. She was there when I was in those days. Presently, I only think that I must pay it back to her for whatever she has done for me when I was down. I feel that it is just my responsibilities to make sure she knows that she is not alone. I do admit that most of the times, I talked to her roughly about the situations but I supposed my intentions were nothing but merely real, honest and heartfelt. I am sure I did not sound sympathy at all but one thing for sure I sound genuine. I hope she realises that I only mean to be truthful.

Diary, I sent letters to Flying Babe yesterday. I included my drawing in the letters and I cannot wait to receive her text message on what she thinks of the drawing. Writing to her is like a theraphy for me. Everytime I draw, I would laugh at it and that helps heal my long for her. I tell her stories of my life and how I have progress. It is just pure writing you know. She told me that when she reads my letters she feels like she is in the movie, P.S, I Love You. I do not really know what she meant but I refuse to dwell on it. All I want is to write her stories because she enjoys reading written letters. She admits that she is a bit of an old-fashioned girl but I just thought that it is because of that, that I was and still am, erotically attracted to her. I would describe her as simple but spicy, natural yet stirring, however plain she is, she is pleasingly sensual. Although innocent but on the contrary there is a sprinkle of mild sophistication in her.

I have to go now Diary. I will write again. Wish me luck in my undertakings.

Please Wait...I am fixing The Setbacks.

Dear Diary,

I spent my time working yesterday and after awhile, I distracted myself surfing at some of the more established real estate firms. I noticed that most of them offer a minimum of eighty hours of theory and practical lessons to newly registered agents. They conduct the training themselves and agents have to sit for examinations and pass them before qualifying as one.

These examinations are of course recognized and endorsed by the authorities. The fee for the examinations is refundable after you have hit your first commission. The systems are all the same to me except that the agency I am with offers much more shorter hours of training with a fee way cheaper than others. However frankly, it is really insufficient because the training was conducted like as if we were attending a three hour group study which gave no time for practical lessons.

I only managed to grasped a few important tips and points during the training. I did not manage to digest everything let alone carrying out the practical duties of an agent. I then realised that when you pay peanuts you really will get yourself a monkey. *chuckles* I cannot help but to wonder how the other trainees are doing. I never realised that there are so many paperworks, procedures and protocols to meet. I supposed I really have to learn how to swim on my own or I just have to register with a more established agency that provides sufficient trainings of theories and practicals and also personal coaching and guidance. What do you think Diary? Never mind, I will figure it out somehow. I hope. *Grins*

Have I told you the story of Minah Rempit appearing in my dream? It was a funny dream that I have had of her. It was short but comical. There was a costume party we had to attend. We were shopping for a costume for her and we finally chose a rabbit's costume. In my dream, she tried the costume on. There was not much fur on the costume. It consists of a white underwear and a white brassiere laced with white fur. And she also wore this headband that has been decorated with a pair of ears of a rabbit. Can you imagine it Diary? On top of that she painted her nose red. After she tried it on, she liked it and she told me 'Ahh, yang ni bolehlah...'

I just stood beside her like a statue when she told me that, thinking to myself I wouldn't wear something like that even for fun. I woke up after that and I saw Hang Jebat staring at me. It was eight in the morning. I was rather surprised to see him in my room. He is always timid even though he is big physically. As I leaned over to touch him, he ran.

You know Diary, I have been up early almost every day when I am in Singapore. It is probably the environment. It is different when you live with your family than on your own. Everybody knows that I supposed. When you live with your family, you always have someone that looks over your shoulder and that makes you be on your toes most of the times. I do not take afternoon naps anymore and I go to bed on time. I am probably slowly getting accustomed to my old habits that I broke after I moved to Malaysia or I simply have learnt the importance of self discipline. I cannot tell you what I feel about this whole thing of moving back to Singapore. I have no clue what my heart feels now. I am a bit lost actually, trying to find my way back. I often have difficulties falling asleep. I will toss and turn and usually it takes me about two hours before I could fall asleep. I know I cannot lie to my heart but this is the reality. You cannot have your cake and eat it sometimes. Things will not go your way even if you bleed for them.

I went to my cousin sister's engagement last Sunday and I faced another gruelling question and answer session of my presence in Singapore by my uncles, aunties and cousins. It was so mind blowing. It was not that bad if I do not have to think of my parents before answering them but I have to and that makes it difficult. If I allow my boldness to take control of it, I am sure I am going to lose my relatives. Yes, I did not come back with a law degree. After almost five years of living away, I came back empty handed. I supposed that is why I cannot tell what my heart feels right now. The look they gave me, yes I know that look. No degree, no money, no business, no love, no hope and no glory. There is no denying that I am the most unsuccessful niece of my uncles and aunties. *Chuckles*

I let them think what they want to think Diary. I know that life moves like the wheels. It spins and it stops, what goes up will eventually comes down and vice versa. At this point of my life, I cannot help myself from thinking of Flying Babe, Rolly Polly, Gummy Bear, Broken Angel, Pumpkin, Hippo, Dark Chocolate, my late brother, my mother and father. The thought of them put a smile on my face at least. It lifts up a little bit of that fighting spirit in me. No, I do not dwell on my failures, I just embrace them.

If I may just say one word to them, I would perhaps say, "Wait" because I think my life would make a great TV movie. It even has the part where they say, "Stand by. We are experiencing temporary difficulties."

It Is Not That Easy...

Dear Diary,

There are just so many untold stories that I have in me that I do not know where to begin. Many things happened since I am back in Singapore. Some are family related since I am living under the same roof with them. In fact most of them are. I am having all these long distance friendships with all my friends again. It brought me back to the old days. I am keeping in touch with them mostly with my phone and what else if not the internet. Nowadays, distance is not a major problem anymore to maintain a friendship.

Have I told you that I bought yet another phone again? Yes, I did and now I can use my Maxis and Singtel sim cards both on the same phone. It makes things easier for me. I do not have to carry two phones wherever I go now. The good thing is, I always get 75 global sms free daily and 30 local sms free daily. With 75 free global sms daily, I make full use of it sending messages to my friends in Malaysia even when I ran out of things to say to them to the extent of sending blank messages. I laugh at my silliness and so do them.

I am counting the days I have been away from Subang Jaya and it makes me even more eager to go back there. I miss my car, my friends and my clothes. I can see that I have to give myself some time before I am able to get the hang of it. I still have to bring back my clothes to Singapore. I could use lots of them here but not the whole wardrobe though.

Have I told you that my house is sold? Yes, we sold the house with our first valuation and that shows how good the property market is doing in Singapore right now. However, the government is taking steps to control the industry from booming even further to avoid, oh geez..what do you call that in economics? Shoot...I forgot it. But you know, too much of something is bad so the government is controlling that. We are looking for a house but not so actively. House shopping is not so easy too you know. I hate all these actually. I wish we do not have to move since I am so comfortable in this house. My brother died in this house you know. Well, do not get me wrong. I am not the superstitious type but this house has many fond memories of him until the day he died. I hate the idea of selling this house but I have to keep it to myself because of circumstances that surround my family.

Diary, I have started on my freelance job. I am not sure if I have chosen the right real estate agency. This one seems rather easy. I mean, I got the in-house training but I do not get any one-to-one guidance. The in-house training is insufficient anyway. Nevertheless, I always believe in self taught system to be the best of what you do. You learn from your own experience. I got the listings from them and I have to do almost everything from there. It involves a lot of paperworks and you know how I hate paperworks. I supposed that is why I never finished law school and ended up as a food stall operator in a food court doing or rather trying one business after another.

The Chinese always said, never fight in a battle when you know you cannot win. I knew I could not win in my battle for a law degree but I knew and I still know I can win in my battle to be a successful business woman. So here I am Diary...once again drawing out plans, strategies and a system to follow. I suppose I still have to wait. I know what I want and I know the weight I have on my shoulders.

I still write to some of my friends and I still do to Flying Babe too. Writing to them somewhat makes me feel close to them. There is one who has stopped writing to me for whatever reasons I dare not speculate. Perhaps I have pushed her button and she has found me rude and bold. I wish I could turn back the time but I cannot and so I will move on with the short memories I have of  her. Sipping this white coffee brought me back to the days when a spontaneous short email turned into a series of email exchanges that put smile on my face and perhaps made my heart jumped a little. The excitement I felt was like a kid getting a new toy to play and to keep. In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. I have thought I could make a friend out of it but I probably screwed up like I always do.

Close friends have told me that I might die a lonely woman when I grow old because of my boldness. Perhaps...they are right but who are we to say? We are only humans with flaws hoping to be accepted the way we are because we are not good at pretending and putting up a false front. We prefer to be original at the expense of being misunderstood. And how we wish we could just say to people that they may have got on the wrong side of us and we are sorry that things have to turn out this way or that. Either way we still want to be accepted and not being forgotten. We hope against hope not to be misunderstood and be forgiven but it is never easy for forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

I Am Too Sleepy To Write...

Dear Diary,

I miss writing to you. I am too busy nowadays. My house in Singapore is sold and we are looking for a new house to live. Diary, I forgot to post a letter today. It has been with me for a week. I should have posted it earlier. I will have to do it on Monday.

Diary...I am tired now. I am sorry. I will write again ok. I promise you. Take care Diary.

Blessed The Unsung Heroes...

Dear Diary,

I was about to go to sleep last night when I received a phone call from my brother. He informed me that my cousin brother was unconcious in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. He collapsed while playing futsal. The minute I heard the news I froze and put myself in his wife's shoes. I can imagine how she felt at that time. With a newborn baby and a toddler in the family, I prayed hard he was going to be fine. When I hung up the phone, I woke my dad up and told him of the news. Well Diary, you should have known my dad by now and you can imagine the questions he threw me about the news like as if I knew about it first hand. I almost lost my temper at him but I tried to keep my cool and explained to him that I did not know anything about it except the fact that he collapsed while plying futsal and the paramedics in the ambulance were trying to revive him.

You see Diary, that is the thing about dad. He likes asking questions too much without thinking. I will give you a scenario, imagine a phonecall at home. You pick it up and the minute you start talking, he will look at you and ask you with his body language who is that calling. He will engage eye contact with you and will demand silently who is on the other side of the phone persistently. The best thing is, he does it obliviously.

When you hang up, he would ask you all the questions that you find are not necessary for him to know because the phone call was not for him! Ironically, dad does not find that in favour of him. He would ask, who was that, what does he want, which friend of my brother is he, followed by a million more questions that would really test your patience. On top of that, he is hard of hearing big time and that adds on to the miseries. It is not a joke Diary, it happens too many times in our family that it drives almost everyone up the wall. The only persons that can tolerate my dad inquisitive behaviour was my late elder brother and my youngest brother. But they are gone now and it seems to me that I am having the highest level of tolerance now.

Apparently my cousin brother had regained consciousness and he was warded in the hospital. He was diagnosed with extreme allergic to excessive sweating and the reaction of the allergy blocked his breathing passage. It made his breathing passage constraint. It is weird but true. When you talk about allergies it is always about consumable products. This is my first time hearing such allergy. I cannot imagine myself having that kind of allergy. I will probably go bonkers. Almost all my hobbies require me to sweat and yes, I sweat excessively. Who wouldn't sweat when they go mountain climbing, junggle trekking, roller blading and any other sports? The only hobby of mine that does not make me sweat is writing.

You know Diary, this cousin brother of mine, let's just call him Poppeye. Poppeye has always known to be thin and inactive in sports. He just does not measure up to my siblings and I in terms of physical capabilities. When we were children, I recall how we used to play physical games and that how he always lost. I can easily beat him to a 50 meter dash race and he was much taller than I was back then. His single step would probably represent 1.5 step of mine. That's Poppeye, if you want to know about him more. Knowing him like a brother, I was not surprise he collapsed at the futsal game but I was surprised at the diagnosis the doctor gave him. Deep down inside my heart I was also afraid if he hadn't regained his consciousness. He was very close to my late brother like blood. Since they were young, they have always been together and they shared same hobbies, friends, favourite hang outs and even dreams until the day my brother died. When my brother passed away, it was a year later after Poppeye's dad passed on. Poppeye had lost two closest persons in his life.

It is certainly not easy for a person to lose loved ones consecutively in a row. Everytime I look at him, I will remember my late brother, having him around always makes me feel for my late brother. It just soothes me you know. It is hard to explain Diary, you will only understand when you are in my shoes. No one can ever replaced your loss, but it helps to have someone that will ease your long for your loss. It was a matter of life and death when he collapsed. Hadn't anyone had given him CPR, he could have died or probably be a vegetable for life when there is no oxygen to his brain. It was a good thing that everyone involved was alert and knew what had to be done and did it responsibly. It was a good thing that the paramedics arrived quickly. May all the unsung heroes that saved my cousin be blessed.

They Are All Leaving Me...

Dear Diary,

The longer I spend my time in Singapore, the longer I feel motivated and inspired. I supposed that is because I see my parents almost every hour. I watch them leave home everyday to work just so we could have food on the table to eat. It is not as if my family is poor or money is hard for us but this is the reality in Singapore. Dad is already at the retirement age but his company is still in need of his service hence, he is still employed while mum has another two years to go. Nevertheless my parents will retire in two years time and that allows me to make the necessary arrangements for them to retire comfortably in Tangkak.

You know Diary, people as old as seventy are still working here because living in Singapore has made us somewhat workaholics. One common reason for that is likely because of poor financial planning or they are just working because they are still able bodied. You will see this especially among the Chinese. They are probably the most hardworking race I have ever come across. I guess growing up here and being surrounded by them motivate and inspire me to work even harder. It is not that I want to make money my master but working hard at an early age and with good financial plannings such as insurance and investments promise comfortable life when you are old. Living comfortably is what I am after and perhaps everybody else.

I had a couple of talks with my brother and by reading between the lines I can tell he will perhaps leave Singapore for the States soon than he planned. I do not think dad has known about this but I shall let him break the news to dad himself. I have just had enough of tolerating since I came back. Do not get me wrong Diary, I still have not comprehend the reasons behind his decision to work in the States. There are not many of us left in the family, they are just him and me. He is the eldest son and so what was he thinking? Yeah sure, he will send money to mum and dad but most of the times, in reality, deep down inside a parent's heart is the yearn for the physical presence of their children than dough. I am more dissapointed than angry with his decision. The minute he broke the news to me, I felt like talking him down, knock some bloody sense into his metrosexual brain so he could see the real picture with better clarity.

I wouldn't mind if it is Malaysia he wants to go to since my parents will be retiring there anyway but we are talking about the States that is a million miles away from the home country. He had been away in Britain for three years and Germany for a couple of months and now he wants to go away to the States to become what, a cowboy?? Geeezzz...I don't understand that man!

Nevermind Diary, I will take full responsibility of my parents. I will be there at their beck and call, I will submit to their demands and making their wish my commands. Wow...did I sound like a superwoman to you or did I simply imagine I am one? Well, it doesn't matter because I know I will do anything and everything for my parents. It doesn't hurt.

You know, talking about my brother going away reminds me of Dark Chocolate. Did you know that she was back to KL a week ago and I met up with her? She has since returned back to London for good this time. She has got her working visa approved and she will be there for probably two years I think. I plan to pey her a visit this December but I have to see how I am doing at the new freelance job I just secured. I am confident about its prospects but I do not want to be too optimistics about it all. Afterall, it is business and there are potentials for good and bad.

Do you want to know how I met Dark Chocolate for the first time Diary? It was so silly and I think you would regard me as someone crazy. I met her when I was 24 I think. I took the earliest bus from Singapore to Puduraya and arrived there at 12 noon. We went for lunch at the Hainanese Chicken Rice shop in Jalan Bukit Bintang, window shopping and had coffee to talk. I went back to Singapore on that same day at 5 in the afternoon. Can you believe that Diary? I am laughing and shaking my head in disbelieve as I am telling you this. I swear I will never do that again. I do not have to anyway. I have graduated out of those days. You know she told me when I met her last week? She said that I am her friend that she will always talk to when she needs an ear and I will also be the friend that she will tell her whereabouts if she decides to go missing out of distress. I looked her in the eyes when she told me that and she looked back at me. At that point of time, I felt a slight sigh in my heart that she is ultimately leaving not only Malaysia but she is also leaving me. I cannot deny that I am happy for her because she has finally gotten her dreams to come true but I am also sad for having a good friend made out of online chatting eight years ago leaving on a jet plane to a far away country that is so many many stones throw away.

It is difficult to describe what we feel for each other. We have this love hate relationship. She seems to understands me and know what tick me. She said that I always want people to agree with me and when people do not, I will get annoyed with them and I will sulk. I tried denying that fact but I supposed she knew me inside out. She just laughed at me when I tried denying that and I couldn't stop myself from laughing too. Silly me. Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty and can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself. I will surely miss her because she lives in Subang Jaya too and she is just a phonecall away if I needed any help.

When she is gone now, I knew I have one less good friend within the same vicinity of where I live for comfort and pure friendship because she is a friend of mind. She gathers me. The pieces I am, she gathers them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind. Hey Dark Chocolate, may you be embrace with happiness,serenity, tranquility and safety wherever she is.

I Ended The Life of My Mobile Phone....

Dear Diary,

I am so sleepy already but I do not want to postpone writing to you. There are just so many stories waiting to be written. They are interesting and I want you to know about them. I woke up at 9am and I took my shower and went out to Cold Storage to buy groceries for mother. She planned to cook chicken curry for her friend as a gift for the Chinese New Year. Mother happens to work in the morning shift and so I had to help her buy the groceries so she wouldn’t have to rush.

I got ready in a hurry because I have an appointment at 1pm today and I did not want to be late for it. I knew I had to leave home by 1130am to be early for the appointment. I walked to Northpoint and got there at 930am. I hurriedly shopped for the items mother had asked me to buy and quickly made it home. I took the bus home. When I got home, I peeled the skin of the potatoes and I cleaned the chicken. I cut the onions and garlic and when everything is done I started to get ready for the appointment. I felt like showering again but I did not. Time was very crucial to me at that time. I left home at 1130am. I got to the train station at 1150am and took the North East train. To my surprise I was way too early for the appointment. I got to the place at 1230pm and I was thinking what I was going to do. But nevertheless, it is always better to be three hours too early than one minute too late.

The appointment was very fruitful and I got myself a position in the company. It is a freelance post with lucrative income and that is enough for me. With the new job at hand and with the prospects it promises, I have become a little bit more confident of where I want to take it from here.

After the appointment, I was supposed to meet up with Hippo but things are so difficult when both of us are not contactable. My handphone broke and I felt so handicapped. It was difficult to communicate when you are on the go. I had to look for a public telephone to call Hippo. I just realized how different it is nowadays. Almost everybody including lower primary students own a mobile phone that made public telephone become so unpopular. Right from the train, everybody was busy with their mobile phones and mp3. When I took the train this afternoon, I felt strange because I just saw myself 5 years ago before I moved to Malaysia.

That is how I was, earphones stuck in my ear and my focus was on my mobile phone. It is so typical of Singaporeans. They either focus their attentions on a book, papers, mobile phones or PSP when they travel on public transport. Looking at them brought me back to those days. I do not know if I am glad or sad to be back. One thing for sure, I felt a sudden reluctance when I left Subang Jaya for Singapore last Sunday. It is hard to explain. I know I will not be leaving Subang Jaya for good, I will still be going back there but knowing that I will not be spending more time there anymore saddens me.

After numerous failed attempts to contact Hippo from the public phone, I gave up and walked back to the train station. I passed a mobile phone shop and could not resist the cheap offers. I am badly in need of a phone. Being reachable by mobile phone is essential with the new job. I stopped outside the shop and asked myself, do I just buy one here or wait till I get back to Subang next month. I do not think I can afford to do that. So I indulge myself to a new mobile phone. It is not a fancy one but it will do me good until I hit my first sales target and I will probably indulge myself to a bigger, better deal.

Do you know how my phone got broken Diary? It was so silly of me. I dropped the phone many times. You know it was new too don’t you? It has this dual sim cards function which I like very much. I can use my Singapore and Malaysia number on the same phone. The functions still work but the battery just refuses to charge. The battery died, I tried to charge it up but it couldn’t work. There was no way I can make it work, so I thought. I was already at my wits end and it really drove me up the wall. I threw it hard against the wall many times with full force until the LCD screen broke. As if that was not enough to satisfy me, I took a hammer and smashed it. I was so angry at it. I was irritated and annoyed.

If only I could explain the frustrations I had to endure. It was the only phone I brought with me to Singapore and when it failed on me, imagine how I felt. I need it for my job, without the phone it is as good as not having the job. Furthermore, I am using two numbers and when the phone broke, I am so uncontactable. All my contacts are gone with the phone. Get what I mean? You simply cannot expect me to go back to Subang Jaya to get my extra phone and you cannot just simply think it is easy for me to buy a new phone, I have earned in RM and to buy a phone in SGD, you have got to be kidding me Diary.

The only fault with the phone was that; it refuses to get charge up. The circuit probably has malfunctioned. It was stupid of me, I could have just waited and let it be. The phone was still in good physical condition though. But you know, I was not thinking straight at that point of time anyway. My frustrations got the better of me. 

Oh never mind Diary, at least I felt good when I smashed it. I felt some kind of satisfaction that transfer out all the bad energy in me. Do I make any sense Diary? I am like a zombie now typing to you. My eyes can close any minute from now.

I think I better sign off now.

Bye Diary. I love you. Will write again.

Stories I will Tell...

Dear Diary,

I have been thinking about you. I wonder how you are and if you have been thinking about me like how I have about you. It has been awhile since I last wrote. I have been in Subang Jaya and there was not much time that I can spare for you. I planned to come back to Singapore last Wednesday but I had to change my plan.

We sold a few kebaya and managed to have one registered agent with us on Saturday so that explains why I had to stay longer in Subang. I packed some of my clothes to bring them back to Singapore and I cleaned my room since I will be long gone. I changed my bed sheet, pillow cases and did my laundry. I spent most of my time cleaning, packing and organizing my stuffs. The move back to Singapore is final but I will not leave everything behind. I will still keep the car and the house because I do have to come back to Subang twice or thrice a month. It is just that I have to spend more time in Singapore making money. People say, make hay while the sun still shines. That is what I am going to do. I will take advantage of the currency exchange rate. The company in Malaysia will grow with the funds from Singapore. I have planned out everything, what is left to do is the execution of the plans. I am all so excited to see the company grow. Imagine this Diary, from a newborn baby to a crawling baby and to a toddler. That is the first phase. Watch it grow Diary and enjoy the show. I will not disappoint you. This I promise you.

Gummy Bear fetched me from Holiday Villa on Sunday and we went dinner. She spent the rest of the evening in my house talking, laughing and watching dvd. I like spending time with her because I see that she is honest and pure, get what I mean Diary? There is something about her that makes her adorable. When I speak, she listens and she understands even though she may be gullible and asks silly questions sometimes. It is her innocence that makes me feel so attached to her. I like teasing her because her laughter is contagious and it just makes me feel happy.

I met up with Rolly Polly and had serious honest talk with her. Both of us have mellowed down from the dosage of reality. I supposed after awhile everything sinks in at the right place and that makes us more human instead of inhumane for giving comments. Sometimes, I laughed at ourselves discreetly after realizing how silly we have been. It is just so comical to think about it. We have decided that we will drop the Franchise offer we have got. I will not commit to it neither will she. However, we have other projects in our minds. Like I said earlier, we are at the execution stage.

I met up with Dark Chocolate while I was there to return her back the modem. I have terminated my Maxis Broadband. We went dinner and we talked a lot. We recalled how we first met ten years ago. It was all so sentimental because we will not be seeing each other for long since she will be leaving for London again for good. I also met up with Pumpkin and had very brief but meaningful talk with her. I passed her my car keys and she will be responsible to taking care of my car. I dreamt of Flying Babe and I also dreamt of Minah Rempit. Geezz...I have so many stories to tell.

Oh Diary, there are so many to write but I have to pray before I miss it. Catch you again tonight. Love you.

Missing My Car Passionately...

Dear Diary,

I have been meaning to write to you yesterday but the DLL files on my netbook might be corrupted thus I could not open my Microsoft Words. I am writing to you now from my laptop. It was a good thing that I brought back my laptop with me to Singapore. Otherwise you have to wait until I get the DLL files fixed on my netbook.

How are you? I am good here. I just came back from lunch with my family. We fetched mum from work and we went lunch after that. I had Nasi Ayam Penyet. It was a big portion and I did not finish it. I am still full from what I had during lunch and I think I might skip dinner. I still practice my policy of rice-once-a-day. I have not been jogging for a long time although I have been doing some cardio work outs since I came back here. I got to bring back my sport clothes, running shoes and so many more back here. I can imagine the travelling that I have to make to bring them back with the coach unless I can bring them back with a car, that would be my brother’s I supposed.
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It is ironic that I cannot drive my car into Singapore. Do you know that a Singaporean is not allowed to drive a Malaysian registered car in Singapore Diary? The policy is to protect the economy of Singapore’s car dealers actually. If Singapore had not have such policy, many Singaporeans would have bought cars in Malaysia to keep since it is cheaper that way because of the currency exchange rate. I can imagine the traffic conditions and the roads here if that policy does not exist and how car dealers would complain of bad business. Talking about cars, I miss my car so much. I really do. It is a good car you know. It has very smooth engine and strong too. Its physical condition is almost excellent for a four year old car. Oh Diary, I wish I could drive back my car into Singapore but I can’t. This is sad. Having the car keeps me happy at least. I feel somewhat rejuvenated when I am behind the wheel. It is so good the feeling, you know.

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Do you know that I have something from every woman that I love in that car? I have this toy woman warrior on the dashboard courtesy of Rolly Polly. Oh wait, come to think of it, I have two things in my car from Rolly Polly. The toy and a small paste-on-the-window pillow at the last row seats. I also have a compact disc organiser on the driver’s seat visor courtesy of Pumpkin. I have hooks on the seat courtesy of Gummy Bear. I have a soft toy gorilla hanging by the window courtesy of Dark Chocolate. I have a decoration pendant that hangs from the rear view mirror courtesy of Manhattan. I have this kangaroo sign on the window courtesy of Flying Babe. Since I bought this car after I broke up with Infinity, I do not have anything from her in this car, although I would love to because she used to be the woman whom I have loved no matter what happened between us. I have yet to ask Broken Angel for something for the car. Perhaps I can ask her to replace my seat cover with leather! We will see about that although I am sure she would not. *Winks*

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I received a call from Dark Chocolate last night. She called me on my fixed line. She is back to Malaysia and we have arranged to meet on Monday. I have to pass her the Maxis modem because we are terminating it since I will not be needing it anymore. It is a good timing for us. Dark Chocolate is not back for good though. She will go back to London this April and she will be there for about two years she told me. I suppose she likes what she is doing now. I would say that she is brave enough to take the big leap in her life and gain experience working overseas regardless where it is. Working away from our motherland makes us grow wiser and become more independent. I plan to visit her late this year when I have settled every outstanding issue of mine. She promised me that I can share her bed with her. *Winks*

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Oh Diary, the door bell just rang. Someone is at the door. I would love to write some more but I have to go. You take care now Diary. Love you.

Go FaikaNur!!

Dear Diary,

I had nasi beriani kambing for dinner last night courtesy of mum. The rice was a bit soggy but any other matters beside that were perfect. I helped mum clear the table to serve the food and ate dinner together with the rest of the family. It is not that I have a big family you know but I suppose the traditions and customs exist in all families. We eat dinner together regardless the size of our family.

As I scooped some rice onto the plates, I somehow thought of my late brother. I recalled how mum used to cook big portions of every dish whenever she cooked because he was such a big eater. My brothers and dad are all big eaters and everytime we served dinner, there was always plenty to eat. The motto last time was better had abundant portions of food served than little. Things have changed so much in our family. I do not know why I am feeling like this nowadays. The longer I have been here the more I see the changes in my family. I supposed I did not spend much time with them after my late brother died. I left too soon for Malaysia after he was gone. I grieved for him alone, all by myself. That was when my heart of stone turned into jelly, so soft that you can smash it with your fist.

Dad had a second serving as usual and I watched him eat. I smiled a little in my heart. Dad has always been a big eater since I was young. He practically eats everything and he likes it especially when mum cooks many dishes during special occasions. I would be mum’s kitchen helper when she cooks. I supposed that is where I picked up my cooking skills and that is how I grew to love cooking instead of baking.

Do you remember Pumpkin Diary? She is going to Sabah this April and she emailed me to borrow my waterproof camera. I supposed she thought that I have one when I do not. I remembered how I told her I wanted to get one and I almost got it until I changed my mind at the last minute. I just did not see much use of it for me. I do not go scuba diving neither do I always go snorkeling so the idea of having a waterproof underwater camera proof unnecessary for me. Furthermore, the price is as good as a DSLR camera. I might as well get a DSLR camera like that. Am I not right Diary? But then again, if I have lost of cash to spare, I would not mind considering both cameras. You know how I am with gadgets don’t you?

The email about the camera leads to further exchange of emails with wonderful stories of lives. That is the thing with Pumpkin and I. Our friendship survives on long distance communications. We have been friends for close to six years if I am not mistaken. She is like the kind of friend that I would go to for suggestions and advice. She listens to me and never fails to put herself in my shoes when listening to my predicaments. That is what made Pumpkin so special to me. The funny part of our friendship is, we do not really hang out even if she lives about two kilometers away from my house in Subang Jaya. However, when we are far, we started communicating. Get what I mean, Diary? I have a couple of friends who are like that. I call them my friends for theraphy. We email a lot and that is how we become closer because I believe when we write, we write about what we truly feel. There is no need to hide your feelings. There is no need to put up a false front. The more we write, the more we become closer at heart. I supposed my friends for theraphy know me even better and well than the friends, I physically meet.

Oh Diary, a few of them asked me about what is going on with my life lately. You know about the story don’t you? I am actually sick of it already. It is not about revenge or holding grudges, it is a matter of principles. In short, it means if I allow people to think of herself first before committing to a business proposal, then the same privilege must be given to me too to think about myself first before I want to commit. All I said to her was I needed time to think about it. I needed time to discuss it with my mother and probably seek her motherly advice and opinions. Since the burden will be heavier on me, of course I will want to be sure of everything first before I give my full commitments.

I said the burden is heavier on me because, apart from financial issues, there is also immigration issues that I have to take into considerations. She jolly well knows of my situations. All she had to do was wait until I make my decisions but nope, she did not. Instead, she posted something like that on her facebook as though I have done nothing. Obviously, she meant the post for me. Even if it was not meant for me, it meant for the situations and I am in that situations. I am not a kid. We are adults and we can read between the lines. Do not insult my intelligence. And I really wonder what can she offer me if I did not agree? Can she offer me to quit her job or can we swop places? Obviously not! So why post message like that as if you are a saviour to the situations? That is the thing Diary. It is so easy to say because words are cheap but it is not so easy to do.

I always believe that things happen for reasons and right now, I am keeping my options open and I can see clearly now of all the possibilities standing infront of me. When one door shuts, another always opens. I will have to bring back some of my belongings to Singapore. I will still keep the house and the car nevertheless. I have arranged with Pumpkin for some help with the car. She actually offered to buy my car but I am still passionately in love with it. I have so many plans for the car. Besides, it is not that I am totally not coming back to Subang, I will of course. It is just that I will spend more time in Singapore than Malaysia. Oh Diary, this is sad but I am looking at the brighter sides of life and I know there is always a silver lining behind every dark clouds.

Go FaikaNur! *Grins*

I Accept My Fate...

Dear Diary,

Last night, Big brother came to talk to me about the house. The valuation is out and we are ready to sell the house at a price all of us agreed. We will have an open house this Sunday for viewers to view the house from 3pm to 6pm. We have hired an agent from ERA and give him exclusivity to sell the house. I hope we can sell this house without much of a hassle and buy a new house without much trouble.

We have not decided what house to buy and I supposed that is why my big brother came to talk to me. He wanted to know of my future plans so he could decide on the new house soon. I really don’t know what to tell him of my plans. I do not even know if I have a plan anymore. Even if there is a plan, all that is left of the plan is an empty hope. Things do not look too great and good for me to carry out plan A. I am certain that I have to live on plan B now. I supposed I have pushed the button and there is no point turning back.

Big brother told me that he might leave Singapore in four years time to work in the United States or United Kingdom. Therefore, he does not wish to have any mortgage to service when the time comes for him to leave. That means he has to buy a smaller house and pay for the house in one lump sum. This is the plan if I decide not to come back to Singapore to live. I told him that I will not live in Singapore. However, just about tonight I have noticed some irregularities on my social networking page. It appears to me that Rolly Polly has decided to take me off from her list of friends. Not only that, a friend of hers has also took me off from hers as well. For a minute, I asked myself, now what did I ever do to her friend? After awhile, I began to realized that this is probably a matter of ‘you fuck with my friend and you fuck with me’. I let it be. We all have rights and we all have preferences.

I knew I had this coming even before I posted my entry last night. I had prepared myself for this and I know it is time for me to face the music. If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it. Honestly, I was not surprised. When emotions are at stake, you must expect the outrageous. It is not easy to accept especially when it really hit you right at the heart.

Truth always hurts. Nobody can deny that. It does not matter who is hurt now. It is done already. Do you see what the technology can do to people nowadays, Diary? It is not about ‘be careful with what you wish for’ but it is more like, ‘be careful with what you post online’ kind of thing now. It does not matter who started it or how it began. Both of us are not meant to work together anyways. If this is how it will end, then this is how it will end. A bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn.

Diary, when my big brother told me he is leaving. I felt my heart sinks a little. I paused for about two minutes pretending to watch the TV when all I had in mind is I am going to lose another brother soon. I composed myself and thought of my parents. How would they react if they were to know? I did not ask my brother if he has broke the news to them. I was actually speechless. So many things were running through my mind. Is it Malaysia or Singapore? If it is in Malaysia what would I do for a living? If it is in Singapore then I have to tell my family fast before we decide what house to buy. Is he really leaving? What about my parents and me? Is he going to be safe there? How long is he going to be there?

I was so lost with my thoughts. Deep down inside my heart, I do not want anymore goodbyes in my family. I have had enough of it. I have lost two brothers and I cannot afford to lose another even if it takes another four years to come. Somehow, I hate him for having thoughts like that. I cannot comprehend why does he want to leave. I started to imagine celebrating Hari Raya with just mother and father. I also imagine how our family photo will have less family members in it. I let my imagination drifted a bit and unconsciously I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

Mum spoke to me tonight and she asked me again about my plans. I looked at her and told her the truth. I asked her where does she want me to be. Being the typical her she answered, she wants me to be wherever I want to be to pursue my dreams. I was holding back my tears when she said that. How could she said that when she has lost two sons and about to lose another? I knew she answered that as a mother who just wants happiness for her child. It does not matter if she has to miss me or have me not living under the same roof as her. That is how mother is; never selfish with her children. How I admire the character of this woman who carried me in her womb for nine months and nine days. She is almost sixty years old but never once thought only of herself. I wanted to hold her hands so tight at that moment but somehow being the typical me, I held back.

Mum then broke the news about big brother leaving. So she already knew. I tried to look for any sign of sadness in her face but I could not find any. Mum is just like Flying Babe, very good in hiding their true emotions. As a woman, I somewhat know how mum feels. I made a silent promise to myself that I will be there for her and dad, no matter what. If I have to come back, then I will.

I began to realize that things do happen for reasons. If I have no means to live in Malaysia, then I shall live in Singapore. If one or two friends left me, I still have my family and a few other good friends, if I have no ‘rezeki’ in Malaysia, then I shall look for it elsewhere and if I can bring my dreams to live in Malaysia came true five years ago, I can surely repeat that again in time to come. Mum and dad, I am coming home for good now.

Shut Up And Just Walk The Talk...

Dear Diary,

I supposed I know the reason why I have become disinterested with Rolly Polly. I have been asking myself why but I never could really point out the right answer until tonight. Do you remember what I wrote to you yesterday about my intentions to talk to her about the plans we have? I have spoken to her and I got some answers. Her answers are motivating and inspirational but it is still one sided, paying more attention on her interests. I supposed that came from her ego.

Diary, in case you have not known what is the plan for the company. It is actually taking up this franchise offer that we could get for the company. However, we have to go through some products and marketing trainings as one of the requirements to be eligible for this program. When we feel that we have grasped and digest enough knowledge from the training, a panel of three interviewers will interview us to see how qualified are we. Now Diary, since we want to have the shop in Malaysia, Rolly Polly has to undergo that interview session on behalf of the company since she is a Malaysian. Therefore, it all boils down on how good she performs in the interview and a few other factors, like franchise fees and a guarantor.

Before anything else, or shall I put it like this, before we can even dream (because I am a dreamer) of having the shop, certain criteria’s have to be met as mentioned above. We are both serious about this and we are taking small steps to ensure we will get it. However, another criterion to meet to qualify for the franchise scheme is that we must do it on a full time basis. Since they allow us to have the shop, we must at least show that we are committed in running the shop full time. I suppose most companies want full commitment from you when they want to give opportunities to you.

Here I am Diary figuring out about the future than the present. We have to come up with a franchise fee and a few other miscellaneous fees before we can qualify for the shop. The final stage that we have to pass is the interview. Thus, here is the story. Rolly Polly has made it clear to me that she will not be able to quit her job because she has many financial commitments to commit. In simple words, she cannot afford to take the risk of quitting first before seeing the result. I do not question neither have I disagreed with her. I just thought that she is afraid to take the big leap. It really takes a lot of guts, courage and strong will to give up your paid job to pursue business opportunities.

Therefore, the arrangement is for me to take care of the shop during the day in the weekdays and she will take care of it during the weekends and the evenings of weekdays. Rolly Polly will only quit her job after we receive our first income (although she did not say how much she is expecting), which can take as long as two months after we opened the shop. I am a natural worrier and I do think of the risks involved before I decided to pursue it further. Doing things without planning will create nothing but havoc especially in business. I may not be Donald Trump but I have had a fair share of business experiences of my own.

I cannot help myself from wondering about our working hours in a retail shop. I cannot simply take care of it alone because I may need to answer nature calls and I may need to eat during operation hours. The solution is for us to have a staff. To have a staff, we need to have cash reserves for the staff’s salary so that means the list of reasons of money we have to have to start this business has gone up by one.

Where money is concern, we need to have miscellaneous fee to open a franchise account, the franchise fee, reserves fund for employee’s salaries and reserves fund for own expenses until we get our first income.

Secondly, it is the operations part. I will come in at 10am and wait until Rolly Polly comes in the evening before I am able to leave. She leaves her office at 530pm and what time do you think she will get to the shop? Does she need to go home first, take her shower and change before coming to the shop? Alternatively, she will just come straight to the shop from her office. The shop closes at 10pm or probably later.

Thirdly, it is the working hours. Let us just talk about hers. She starts work at 830am and finishes at 530pm. Then she will continue working at the shop from whatever time she arrives until it closes and she will work a full 12 hours at the shop during the weekends. When will she ever have a time to rest? Of course, this will not be forever. It will just be for the first two months before we get our income. Nevertheless, what if the income is not up to our expectations or her expectations? Will she still quit her job? Moreover, not forgetting, if according to her, she will quit her job once she gets the first income from this program, which means she will have to tender her resignation letter a month or two months in advance before she can even see the monetary performance of the shop. Will she tender earlier?

I can go on talking about my visa status but I guess this is enough already. I believe to start a business is always easy but to maintain a business is difficult. If I may, I want to maintain this business forever. I will probably sound like a worrier or perhaps a dreamer because I ask too much questions when we have not qualified yet but most of the times, the worrier or the dreamer is the one who makes sure things go right.

Experience is the teacher of fools.

If she can post this on her Face book with so much confidence,

“I am never a dreamer.. If given a lazy chair and a window to stare out and daydream, I cannot do it. INstead I will be thinking about what actions to perform after this. I guess I am the action type and think lateer person..

“Buat dulu bagi jadi lepas itu baru pikir plans semasa membuatnyer. Ianya lebih productive dan menjimatkan masa. Its like learning on the job/task. Time is money. Every second's waste is pembaziran. Redah jer.. worry later. Aiyoo I am so like the Jason Mraz and hippie type...my motto is " don't worry, be Happy " hihihihih hohoho”

I wonder why does she tell me about her mortgage and car loans and whatsoever as reasons why she cannot quit her job yet if we make the grade? She probably thinks that she has me that is why she plans to quit only after the first income from the business. In that way, she is safe. Yes, she said safe probably because at the end of the month she will still have her salary to pay her mortgage, loans and bills regardless how the shop will perform. That is smart isn’t it Diary? It is all about saving oneself first than others. If I had not come into the picture, I really wonder if she will ever carry on with this plan on her own. In any case she is the one with the ‘redah aje, worry later’ manner, so to speak.

I am thought of a dreamer or a worrier when I ask too much questions before we even meet the criteria. I have no full time job with a basic salary, I live on my savings, and I have bills to pay, rent to pay and loans to service. If I run the shop and have to wait for my first pay cheque only after two months of operations, certainly I am concern of what I am going to survive on for those two months, who wouldn’t be? Unlike her, she still has her job to fall on because she will not quit her job immediately.

Most of the times, I feel that she assumes she is the only one with commitments in our company. In my opinion, she in all probability thinks she is cool with her self proclaimed statement boldly considers herself similar to Jason Mraz with that ‘redah aje’- worry later- action type- think later, kind of attitude. Perhaps I must challenge her to quit her job immediately if we qualify so that she knows what it feels like to be in my shoes. But I think I have already and no, she will not quit. She said it is not safe for her. It seems to me that safe is still the issue for her.

What she claims on her Face book, was it just another post that does not really reflect who she is. I supposed she probably wrote that post when she had let her fat self become enveloped with ego, as big as Kuala Lumpur International Airport and self-confidence as strong as a fake diamond; one knock of a hammer and she breaks.

I really do not mind working hard for a more humble, down to earth business partner because I know we are a team. Regardless of differences, we strive shoulder to shoulder but if she talks like that of herself after I posed questions that concerns me, I may need some more time to ponder. Would you like working together with someone who talks big only for herself but does not walk the talk? I do not appreciate that kind of character in a person.  

My major obligation is to be pragmatic and not to mistake slogans for solutions. Don’t worry be happy? Whatever you say, you silly hippie hippopotamus. hihihihihihihih hohohohoho