When One Door Shuts, Another Opens...

Dear Diary,

This morning when I woke up, I saw a message on my phone that said, "I have found a house that I like, thank you for your service anyway." I acknowledged the message and tried to be positive about it all. He is the most qualified buyer I have currently and again, I have lost the deal. He is a referral from my friend and I supposed I did not give him my 100% commitment thus I lost him to another efficient agent perhaps.

I gave him only 50% of my commitment because I spent my time mostly on matching the rental leads I have with the rental listings online. In the end, he might have sourced out the service of other agents. I supposed what made me gave my service half heartedly is because one of his requirement is a corner unit and every agent knows how difficult it is to get a corner unit. I gave him 4 listings but I delayed asking him to view the units. I don't know what was I thinking at that time Diary. I think it is more of a "don't know how to prioritise" clients kind of thing. The thing about being an agent is, you do everything on your own from the marketing of your service, the sourcing of listings and leads, bringing your clients for viewing, to the servicing of your clients and to the paperworks processes as well. There are too many for one to handle especially for a rookie agent like myself.

I guess I have to get used to losing out on deals if I still do not learn how to prioritise my prospects and manage my time well. I have to admit that I have lost 4 most serious potential clients since I started as an agent. During those times, I was still uncertain of what to do and most of all afraid. Yes Diary, I was afraid to even call the prospects. Not that I am not used to cold calling but I was more afraid of being thought of as inefficient or unknowledgeable. You see, when you call them up they tend to ask you questions more than what you can answer them and they expect you to know more than them. Therefore, as agent we always have to equipped ourselves with the latest developments and changes in property market. We have to keep ourselves update with the rules and regulations especially dealings with HDB flat buyers and sellers.

I cooked myself a simple breakfast after shower and I got dressed to go farming again. As I was about to leave, I received a call. I picked it up and it was from a woman who wants to rent out a room in her flat. She asked if I could speak in Mandarin and I said no. So we spoke in English and she said that in my flyers, I really looked like Chinese. She was confused with me because I have a Chinese face with a Malay name on my flyers. I told her that the Chinese look is an inheritance from dad. We have this Chinese blood in us so that explains. I took down her details and her preferences and I ended up staying at home advertising her unit and searching for suitable tenant for her online. I also registered with another paid property rental portal and I got many leads from there too. All I have to do is to mix and match. 

As I was doing my work, I got another call from an unfamiliar number. A lady was on the other line and she enquired about the process of selling and buying a house. I made used of my in-house and CEA course I attended and put them into practice. Only then I realised how important it is to be a qualified agent. Even without experience, I can share with her my fair share of knowledge and opinions. I am not boasting Diary but I think I did good. I am kind of proud of myself for not failing her with the questions she threw at me. In the end, she asked me to look for her a house that she can view because she wants to upgrade from a smaller flat to a bigger flat. That means, she is selling her house and buying at the same time. If I manage to get her a flat she likes, I can be her exclusive agent and that gives me a full privilege.

Diary, at that point of time I felt so thankful and grateful to Allah for not making me a weakling. I felt terrible on Monday but I persisted with my determination. Even though how unhappy and upset I was, I carried on with my farming. Today, I got the result. Yes, I have not closed the deals but it shows that my efforts pay off and most importantly, when one door shuts another always opens. I figured that making sales is like falling in and out of love. We get hurt when we fall out of love, that is the same like not being able to close any deals when you have the listing and leads because sometimes, they both don't match. We get butterflies in our stomach everytime we fall in love just like how we feel when we close a deal.

When we get rejected in love, we often question ourselves if we had not been good enough for her or if she has found someone better than us. That is exactly the same with sales too, if a prospect buys or sells through another agent and not you, surely there must be something in you that you lack. That is the truth isn't it? And truth always hurts. But then again, other prospects might end up using our service than the service of another agent, so what does that make us? Are we better than the other agents? It is subjective but one thing for sure, I know that we are all not perfect but we may be perfect or almost perfect to the one we love or serve regardless who we are.

Often, I hear about people like me who have been in a relationship for more than 5 years. I am impressed beyond words. And I wonder to myself will I ever get that in my life? I don't know. But I have learnt so much from love. Perhaps I am just not girlfriend material or I will probably remain single to people like me and a spinster to straights. Whatever Diary...Someday I will probably understand and figure it all out. I know Flying Babe will agree with me, she's in my background.   

Third Eye Blind - How's It Going To Be

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore

Before you take a swing I wonder What are we fighting for

When I say out loud I want to get out of this

I wonder Is there anything I'm going to miss

I wonder How it's going to be When you don't know me

How's it going to be When you're sure I'm not there

How's it going to be When there's no one to talk to between u & me

'Cause I don't care How's it going to be How's it going to be

Where we used to laugh There's a shouting match

Sharp as a thumbnail scratch A silence I can't ignore Like...

The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in Swings empty,

don't see lightning like last fall, when it was always about to hit me

I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down

Hows it going to be When your not around Hows it going to be

When you found out there was nothing Between you and me

'Cause I don't care How's it going to be Hows it going to be

When you don't know me any more And how's it going to be

Want to get myself back in again The soft dive of oblivian

Wanna taste the salt of your skin The soft dive of oblivian Oblivian

How's it going to be When you don't know me any more

How's it going to be How's it going to be

How It Is Going To Be...

Dear Diary,

I woke up early today with some memories of yesterday. I smelled something good and I knew mum was cooking. I got out of my room and walked straight to the bathroom not acknowledging my mum at all. I felt so tired from everything and I know it is not a good thing to feel to start the day. I felt demotivated, demoralised and so weak like I was going to die. I did not want to look at mum because I know she would have asked if she had seen my face like that.

I took my shower and I got prepared to do my farming. I have not done my farming for a week since I have got leads online. I have been trying to match the leads with the listings of other agents and up till today I have not been successful. It has also been a week since I last watched TV. I feel stressful Diary. I feel that I need a break but how can I when I have not met my expectations. I feel angry with myself. I cannot describe how I feel nowadays. I need to be on the praying mat but I can't since I am still having my period. I need to speak to Him directly. I just need to let it go you know Diary...just talk it out. 

When I got dressed, mum asked me to have my breakfast. I did and while I was chewing the food, I stared at the wall looking very blank. Mum must have noticed and she made small talk with me. I did not look at her at all Diary. I knew if I were to look at her, I would have just broke down and cry. I wanted so much for her to hug me at that moment but I held myself back. What would I ever do without this kind soul whom I call mother? I  wondered silently how it is going to be if she's gone from my life.

I left home after breakfast and I got to Avenue 6 at 11am sharp. I sat down for awhile and read some prayers first before I began. I did 3 blocks altogether because the flyers I brought were just enough for 3 blocks. I wished I would have brought more since all I wanted to do was to work and work. I wanted to be busy Diary so I would not have time to be misery, grumpy or gloomy. I wanted to forget unhappiness that exist in my life today and I wanted to erase the sadness away. I finished the 3 blocks at exactly 1pm and I walked back home. As I walked home, I walked passed my old block and I looked up to the unit that I used to live. We lived on the 8th floor in that block and I recalled how I used to climb over the window in my late brother's room to get into my room because I got locked out of my room. 

You see Diary, at that time I was not talking to my mother because she was upset with me. Well, I was 17 then and you know how teenager can be at that age don't you? I was so egotistical and adamantly refused to ask my mother for the key to my room. Furthermore, it was way past midnight and I did not want to wake my parents up also, because I knew, more nagging will come if I did. My late brother's room was just next to mine and from his window I can just climbed over to my room with a bit of climbing skills of course. He refused at first and asked me to get the key from my mother. I stood firm on my principle and influenced him to work with me. I was very persistent to get what I wanted and he just had to give in to my persistency. 

So there we were...planning to execute the strategy we had. My late brother offered to climb but I objected because I felt it was my responsibility and furthermore, he was way bigger than I was. It was difficult for him to walk over from his window to mine. I gave him the logic and he started thinking. He agreed to let me do it. So we took a used towel, tore it to about 5 strips, tied them together and tied the end of it to my waist and to his window grille. So, I climbed over his window closest to my room and as soon as I managed to step on the parapet which was as wide as the size of my feet, I began to slowly walked across the pillar that separates his room than mine.

It was a lucky thing that the pillar was not too protruding and wide. The only challenge was to get across the pillar. I had to let my right foot stepped on the parapet of my window first and then let my right hand get hold of my window frame. From behind I will look like as though I was hugging the pillar but that's how I did it. My late brother held on to my hand so tight that I could feel as though he was going to crush my bone. As soon as I managed to get my right hand held on to my window frame, I asked my brother to let go of my left arm. I slowly walked over and I got to my side of the window safely and I just climbed over to my room from there. It was crazy Diary. I still couldn't believe I did that until now. If I had lose my grip, I could have fallen off 8th storey and died probably. My brother did not live long enough to talk about it. I am sure if he had lived longer, we would have laughed about it.

I smiled while I was walking home. Remembering it brought smile to my face and I felt a little better. You know Diary, I have never failed to wonder how would it be if he was still alive. Would he have got married and bear children of his own? Would I have become an aunt to his children? I often wonder and at times, I do imagine that he is still alive. In times of my adversities, I would picture him alive and recall what would he have said to me to keep me going. I miss him Diary. 

I am not feeling too good right now. I am struggling with my career Diary. It is tough. Nobody said that it was going to be easy but nobody also said that it was going to be this mind blowing. I feel that my brain is going to explode anytime soon. Diary, I don't know what to do now. I feel so exhausted.

I am recollecting all the memories I have about my brother and I think I am hearing him back again. I am sad but I am not giving up. As much as how I wonder how it is going to be if he were still alive, I wonder how it is going to be in 5 years time if I just stay on in this industry and keep on doing it without giving up come what may. I am discouraged by what happened to me personally. And it adds on to the miseries and pressures I have in my work. I hate to be feeling this way and what saddens me most is how insensitive people can get. It is so sad to know that the one whom you think is kind is actually evil. I wonder how she is going to feel if she were in my shoes.

I look to you-Whitney Houston official music video (with lyrics)

Hear Me Allah...

Dear Diary,

How I wish so much that I can pray to Allah right now to give me the strength and courage. How I wish so much that I can talk to him right now so that he knows how I feel. How I wish that what I am feeling now is just a dream in one of my many dreams. How I wish I have another soul in my life that I can tell and share.

Give me your hand and let me put it on my chest Diary. Can you feel it now? Yes, it is broken and it's painful. So painful beyond descriptions. So sad till there is no more tears.

Please Allah, hear this prayer of a creature you have created, a lonely soul broken from despair.

Help me Allah, help me please because I know You are closest to those with a broken heart. The flame of love is now just a cold loneliness.

This I Promise You Dad...

Dear Diary,

I went to the office yesterday and submitted my transaction. I had to fill up more forms and I am really digesting the fact that as an agent, I have to start liking form fillings. It is true that there will be many paperworks for agents to do said the CEA lecturer. I figured since he has closed more than 3 thousand cases, he has probably gotten used to it.

I met my Manager and we came up with some strategies for me. I will carry on with my door farming as usual doing 4 blocks a day and I will do my mix and match on the leads and listings that I have and I will probably start to do cold calling in the evening. I will focus more on rental of HDB and private as it is easier to close rental deals and diversify steadily into buying and selling at a later stage. I have to start map out my activities and be discipline and diligent to become efficient. 

I must write down what I want to achieve and paste it on the wall so that it can be visible to me and I will be reminded that this is not a game anymore. It is a battle among who is the fastest, sharpest and most efficient salespeople. I must develop a sales millionaire mindset inside of me. I must push away all the negativities I hear, see and believe and turned them into positivities. The clock is ticking Diary and I remember all the things that I have gone through to be where I am now. I remember the vow I made to myself before I signed up to be an agent. I am recalling the reason why I came back to Singapore. I am remembering myself leaving Subang Jaya with a heavy heart. I picture my parents infront of me. I remember my brothers dead or alive. I see the memories of me with the women I have loved and friends I adored.

They are my life, my honour and my pride. I will be where I am if I do what I have to do. I will reach my destination with my hardworks, patience and prayers. I never stopped praying eversince I came back. I speak to Him after my prayers. I cry sometimes while I talked to Him. I know He listens and there is no one and nothing else that I need to pray to except Him. 

As I was digesting all the motivational tips and experiencing a quiet moment of inspirations, there was a phone call to another agent's phone and Diary, believe me when I tell you this. I have never heard someone who speaks so loud to the phone than he did. All my life I thought my dad is the only person who speaks loudly on the phone but I was just proven wrong. This guy was so loud that I had problem listening to my Manager talking to me. Even my Manager turned his head a couple of times to look at him. I am very sure the whole office can hear him because he was almost shouting. If I were to give you a better picture for you to comprehend, imagine listening to your MP3 at a full blast. Yes Diary it seemed like he had a microphone stuck down his vocal chord or something. Not only that he was short, plump and bald he speaks loudly too. I cannot imagine how his girlfriend would have to tolerate a boyfriend like that. And I also wonder if he speaks that loud in bed...he can really be an explosive to the eardrums.   

Diary, I feel that I must tell you this story even though it happened 2 weeks ago. I sat down at a coffee shop with dad having our breakfast. It was a simple breakfast with simple conversation that has left a deep impact on me. There was no heavy topic or issue in the conversation but I will remember what he said and the look in his eyes when he said it. He told me that someone offered him to be an agent when I was 17 years old but he did not take it seriously. So he continued working until presently. He told me that he probably was afraid to get out of his comfort zone and he said if he had enough courage and guts to leave his salaried job and just be bold enough to join the property industry, he would have been good perhaps. I did not interrupt him when he told me the story instead I heard and listened to him. I understood what he wanted to tell me. I saw the look in his eyes and the regret it reflected.

I was quiet. I nodded to show him I understood him. I wanted to tell him that it is okay. Let me bring to life his dreams and let me live his wishes. I did not promise him anything in return. Perhaps I am slow in giving promises but those that are most slow in making a promise are the most faithful in the performance of it. I quietly promise myself that I will do this for him, my mother, my brothers and for all the love I have on earth. It is an immutable law in business that words are words, explanations are explanations, promises are promises but only performance is reality.

Kings Of Leon - Use Somebody [Lyrics]

My First Deal...

Dear Diary,

I am so sleepy right now that I can just fall asleep while writing to you. I just came back from my viewing appointment and I brought home some honey. It is not that much but it is enough to make me feel motivated and inspired to work even harder and bring more pots of honey back home. After 2 months of slow but steady progress, I finally closed a deal. How do you feel about that Diary? If you are happy for me, I am more happier for myself. Most importantly, I am glad and I feel contented.

To be honest, I kind of felt that I will close the deal tonight because most of the times, it is always easier to close rental deal than sales deal. People who are looking for a place to rent are usually people who have not had much choice to wait. They simply cannot afford to browse. Time is always an issue to them. My tenant is an Indian Singapore PR national and they prefer to be allowed to cook. My owner is a single Malay lady who does not mind if they want to cook. The only thing that I have to emphasize to my tenant is not to have pork in the house. They obliged and things were easy during the signing of agreement.

I have to admit that I tried to be professional as I can and tried not to look clumsy during the filling up of forms. Gosh Diary, there were so many forms to fill up and you know how much I hate filling up forms. If I could afford to pay a personal assistant just to fill up the forms and follow me wherever my appointments are, I would. There are so many particulars that I have to fill up in the forms and at times, I just wished that I can write as fast as a superman. It is sure a misery and uneasy having to fill up the forms while having many pair of eyes looked at you. It was a lucky thing that both of them are my direct clients so I do not have another agent to judge me. You know, senior agents always can tell if you are new in the industry. And if they knew you are new, they will tend to act superior than you and perhaps bully you at times.

It was a good thing that I went to the office first today and got my manager to teach me what should I do to finalise a closure. I got him to tell me what forms to bring and what to emphasise to both the owner and tenants. In other words, I came prepared. Although filling up forms was a bit messy but I believe I did not screw up except for a few minor hiccups. I had to absorbed the GST for my commission from tenant since he refused to pay it. It was about 22.50 dollars and I did not want to make a big deal out of it. What is most important is my clients are happy. I supposed both sides are happy with what they are getting.

The owner told me that it is the first time she is getting a high rental rate for her room. I take that as a compliment and that shows she is satisfied with the price I had for her. I did not promised her a high rate when I went to meet her because that is what all agents do. We never promise the sky and the moon to our prospects. We will always leave some grey areas in our process of negotiation. We know we need to safeguard our reputation and interest because in the long run, most agents depend on referrals to remain in the industry. Referrals play a big part in the lives of agents.

I also realised that in order to be good and keep on earning, one has to be fast like the cheetah, aggressive like the lion and sharp like the leopard. I have lost three serious clients because I was slow in my actions. I did not really know what to do when I had those list and leads. I only depended on one or two sources for my research and I lost out to the more efficient agents. I have learnt my lessons and I have diversified my ways and methods. I am learning the trade Diary.

The minute I got home, my family is the first to know about my closure. I walked to my room feeling satisfied and contented however, at the same time I also felt missing. I wanted to share it with someone who I feel has a connection with me. I finally realised that I have no one and Flying Babe came across my mind. I know things between us have mellowed but I figured I would just let her know. And then I broke the news to the friend without a face who is probably my only friend I share stories with nowadays. I feel happy and contented with a sprinkled of sadness.

The Change That Eases A Rookie

Dear Diary,

I am sure it has not been a week but I have missed you so much  more than what words can explain. There are so many stories I have for you that I do not know how to begin. Forgive me for not writing as I have been busy with my family, my work and of course my newly found friend without a face. How have you been Diary? I hope you are not upset with me for not talking to you.

I have good news for you Diary. It concerns my work and how I am so proud of myself. Finally the hard work and patience paid off. I am not sure if it is too early to say but really I have made some progress. No I have not closed any deals yet but just about 5 minutes ago, I have made 2 viewing appointments. A few days ago, I received three calls from owners who want to rent out a room in their flat and one who has the intention to sell his house. All the farming I have done, I am seeing the results. Yes, I may have not transacted anything yet but I can see it clearly now what hard work and determination can do for me.

I had two 'rooms for rent listings' but I have to admit that I was not fast enough that I lost one because the owner has found himself a tenant. I am left with one now and I have fixed a viewing appointment tomorrow evening at 8pm. Diary, everything that has happened in our lives are all blessings in disguise. If I had not been persistent with determination to carry on with the farming when I was doubtful of the result, I am sure I would not have had those two appointments fixed. It is from farming that I received the calls and it is from the need to look for tenants that I have came across an online portal that gives me leads easily.

You see Diary, I needed to place an advertisement for my listing and therefore I was searching for online property portals that allow me to post an ad. I came across three and guess what Diary? They have ready tenants for me, a long list of it for me to just mix and match their profiles with the requirements of the owners. But of course, these are all paid portals and it was difficult for me at first until I had the courage to ask dad for a loan. Well, I am broke remember? Dad gave me a little more that what I had asked. I banked in the money and registered online with my debit card and a few seconds later I can see all the contacts of the tenants. I was ecstatic. Oh but I have only registered with one portal and I might register some more when I can.

I was glad beyond descriptions Diary. If I had known about this, I would have done this earlier without having a straight mindset about getting leads and listings. All these while, I thought that the only possible way to get listings and leads are from road shows, referrals, farming and circle of people I know around me but I am wrong. Now I know a little about the tricks behind this trade. There are so many things we can get from technologies. Do you know that conventional advertising has become unpopular nowadays? Most agents advertise online. With 'propertyguru' and 'iproperty' marketing their service aggressively, it is no wonder newspaper advertising has become less demanding.

This shows how the world has changed. The globe turns and so do time and trend. Fashion is not the only one that changes. I will keep moving on and forward for I know with the prayers I have made, efforts I have put in and determination I have shown, I will get there someday with or without her. Dear Allah, bless me please...

Little Wonders - Rob Thomas - Lyrics on Screen - (HQ)

Keane - We Might As Well Be Strangers

My Love Literature

Dear Diary,

There are many stories that I hold in my heart. I wish I could easily write it all down to you but I can’t. There are some things in our lives that are better left unsaid, unspoken and untold. I will probably carry the stories I hold in my heart to the grave perhaps, buried together with the mysteries that I have built while I breathed.

Time and again, the game of the hearts has taken over tearing every hopes and dreams. I wish I never would have to feel this way again but I am only human blessed with complete entities of emotions. This is perhaps what everybody must have felt once or twice in their lives. I have tried to leave these stories behind but they will always be in the background following me wherever I go.

The thing about memories is they are intangible and even the power of time cannot erase them from my lives. If I can write all of them down on a piece of paper, shred and burn them so they will not be in my background again, I would. I figure memory is a way of holding onto the things I love, the things I am, the things I never want to lose. People come and go in my lives. I make new friends and meet new people at every stage of my live. Good or bad, they will leave me someday or rather I will leave. At times, I wish I could have stayed but circumstances are too complex that I find myself confuse about situations more than I ever think I was.

And I whisper quietly to myself that I wish I had never have met her because meeting her only reopen the wound that once bled. Perhaps it is only I who should be ashamed for feeling that way. Nobody told me to let the feelings grow at an early stage. But I felt the connection with her even how mysterious she seemed to me. Someone whose charm has touched me at a personal level that I find myself easily submit to her demands. I think I have a heart of steel and metal walls around my heart that even superman cannot come through but I supposed I was wrong.

There is a part of me that yearn for her presence even if it was virtual. That yearn slowly turned into an obsession, I was fascinated by her presence. The more I talk to her the stronger I feel. I can feel my heart smiling. It is strange. I kept looking back at where it all started. I kept drawing the lines but in my head I cannot stop but to question and in my heart I cannot stop but to let it grow. Stop, I told myself. Someone will get hurt if I do not stop myself. Let it be me because I am already hurt and this is probably Karma playing its part again. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my past actions. They are the ground upon which I stand.

Diary, love is killing me softly now. I expanded with the joy of her love and presence but now that she's gone I just feel bloated. I don’t know her face and we might as well be strangers so I will walk down the path thinking that every woman I saw and encountered could be her. A stranger that has known me and every opinion she has about me seemed to be true. She reads and absorbed, listen and understand, hear and feel. An observer who gives me the chill knocking on the door that leads to my heart. I have nothing but only fear, the lengthened shadow of ignorance. Fear of what I had been in my life love stories. All the broken hearts I have caused. They are all coming back to me now making me feel condemned and lost without aspiration and I am writing because every man’s memory is his literature.

I Love Boney M!

Talk To The Point and Be Beautiful!!

Dear Diary,

I attended a workshop last night and I was so disappointed. The topic that the trainer was supposed to talk about was “Prospecting” but I found that he talked about himself more than he did on the topic. For 2 hours, I sat there hoping that he would come back to the point but he did not. All he talked about was his life and on the tips to achieve goals that we have set. The only tip that I got was to remember the prospect’s name and address him properly after introduction.

I just cannot stand people who like to talk too much about himself when he is supposed to talk about something else. It is annoying especially when you make yourself present at the event because of the topic or issue that was going to be discussed but only to be disappointed. I wish I could just come up to him and remind him to keep to the point and not to waste everybody’s time by telling his life stories. For crying out loud, he could write a book or create a blog if he wants so much to tell about how he had worked at Mcdonalds when he was 14 just to buy a pair of Puma shoes.

Yes, those stories moved me but for goodness sake, I hope to listen to him talking about how to do prospecting, how to generate leads and how to make strangers your clients. No, I did not get all that instead I had to put up a false front faking my small giggles merely to give him the credit that he had a good sense of humour after all.

Good evening Diary, how do you do? I have been busy nowadays with door farming. I do door farming almost every day about 4 days a week. Since last week I have been consistent in my door farming doing on the average about 4 blocks a day with 115 units each. It is tiring Diary and at times I do wonder if it is going to bear me any fruits but I am not giving up just yet. I am recalling what I had said once that fruits do not grow overnight after you farm. I also recall that perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. After perseverance, patience is the key word here Diary.

There are a couple of times a fellow agent called me up to ask me to join her network business but I declined politely. I knew it is MLM when she introduced it to me on the phone but she keeps denying it. After she explained how the business works, it is clear that it is MLM. It does not matter how you are going to make money out of it but when how much you earn depends on the down line you have, then what do you call that kind of business? I have set my mind that I want to focus on property because this business is real. It is a promising career if I just stay on come what may.

I went shopping with dad this afternoon Diary. Bossini is having its great Singapore sale once again and clothes are going at rock bottom price. They are filthy cheap. I bought four pieces of tops and dad paid for them. Well, what can I say? I refused to buy in the first place but dad insisted that I buy some too since he is buying. The thing with dad is, he always prioritize his children than himself. I suppose that’s what all daddies do right? Dad bought 3 pieces of polo shirt that fit him well. You know how he is like don’t you Diary? There are reasons why I call him Humpty Dumpty. He really looks like one and when he finds clothes that fit him nicely, he surely won’t leave the place without buying. Fat people always find it hard to find something they like in their size. That would scare me being fat.

I remember when I was once fat in my life. Would you believe me I have only been fat once in my life for 2 years? It was when I was 22 to when I was 24 years old. From 48kg I ballooned to 64kg. Imagine how I was Diary. I did not really take care of my outlook then. To me, fat is always ugly thus I did not bother to dress up to look pretty or cute. I seriously felt I was ugly then and I did not shop for those 2 years and I wore scruffy clothes. After those 2 years, I slowly lost my excess weight and I was back to my ideal weight. I got back my poise and I walked with my head held high and shoulders back.

It was during then I got to know Pumpkin and how I have a high regard for her coolness until today. You see Diary, Pumpkin is plump and round but her level of confidence awe me. She gets me admiring plump and round people like her. Oblivious to her surroundings, she wears fashionable clothes and never fails to look cute to my eyes. She is pretty in her own ways, beautiful and charming with her personality. I suppose I had a liking towards her because of her personality.

So Diary, who says fat people cannot be beautiful, right?

Durians Make Me Sick

Dear Diary,

I am back to Singapore after spending my weekend in Tangkak. I left home on Friday evening, fetched mum from work, had dinner in Jb and started my journey. I hoped that I did not have to drive but my brother had asked me to drive and so I simply had to oblige. I love long distance driving however, not when I am driving with my family. Driving with family does not allow me to have the liberty to smoke and listen to my collection of CDs at a blast. I have to keep my eyes on the road while my family would enjoy the movie on board from the collection of DVD mum brings. I feel somewhat jealous and unfair when that happens. But then again, if that would make my parents happy I supposed I should do it without a sense of unwilling.

A few of my relatives came over too because we had to attend a wedding. We met at the wedding in Segamat and we all went back to Tangkak after that. This time it was crowded a little and somehow I feel happy and less lonely despite the noise and mess. There were about 5 families including mine and imagine how it was like Diary. We had several rounds of durian feast until I cannot eat anymore. Most of my relatives are durian lovers and being with them, I literally had to force myself to eat the durians even though I cannot stomach it anymore. I think I had too much until I felt like the world before my eyes split into two and my stomach turned vigorously like the washing machine on a full cycle.

Everywhere I was I smell durian. Oh Diary, that scent that could merely turned people away. As I talked and breathe, I smell it too. As I was trying to recover from the aftermath of durian overeating, my parents just asked me to drive them to Malacca for a seafood dinner. I looked at them in disbelieve and wondered how could I swallow all those food when I had these soft yellow stuff in my stomach? Suddenly I felt nausea as if the durian in my stomach had travelled all the way to my throat pleading me to let them out. It was a misery to feel like that. I went to the toilet and I let it all out. As soon as it was over, believe me Diary, I felt so much better.

The seafood dinner was at the regular place we frequent in Malacca. Honestly, I don’t really like the service there. The food is not exceptionally good but to compare it with the rest of the seafood restaurants there, they came up top. I just find that they have average service and that’s what turned me off. I had been in the food and beverage business and working part time in the service industry since I was 15 years old thus I got upset easily with restaurants or shops with poor shoddy customer service.

Oh Diary, I have to go now. I wish I could write some more. Somebody is here.

Faith Is A Passionate Intuition

Dear Diary,

I was up early today and I did what was necessary. I tidied the house a little, did my laundry (wash, hang, fold), took my shower and left home to do farming. This time it was at the ring road thus I did not have to walk far from my house. I took with me about 400 pieces of flyers and guess what Diary, I did about 5 blocks! Can you believe it? I did 3 executive blocks with only about 50 units per block and the rest were 3, 4 and 5 rooms.

Oh Diary, as I am writing to you, my brother came home with my CEA result and guessed what Diary? I passed!! Oh…I am ecstatic now!! Now that I have passed, I can practice as an agent with more confidence and at ease. The government has actually implemented the new regulation already and since I have passed the CEA, I am an exception to the new regulation.

Diary, this afternoon when I did my farming, I came across a flyer of an agent who has been long in the market. He has picture of himself with trophies of his achievements, long list of properties he has sold and an impressive track record. When I looked at his flyers I felt kind of inadequate. I compared my flyers to his and I thought for awhile. This guy must have earned about SGD15K a month looking at his transactions. I felt somewhat poor.

However it is known that no agent in the market started rich. Most agents started poor but with sheer determination, abundant enthusiasm and die-hard perseverance, they succeeded. Like I told you earlier, many give up because it is not easy to break the egg. With no basic salary at the end of the month, who could stay if you have not made the sales in the first three months? That is why I had to give up the house in Subang and to lease my car for a year. I do not want any unnecessary commitment in the first year. I have to focus and only pay attention to the most important things.

Honestly, at the moment I have no money, no fancy car, unimpressive track records, no trophies and I have not closed a deal. But I do have this stubbornness in me, it is a great ball of fire than i can turn into an inferno. Remember what I have told you about focusing on what you have than what you do not have? I am going to stubbornly persist, for I know I will find that the limits of my stubbornness go well beyond the stubbornness of my limits.

I am not going to be afraid to give my best to what seemingly are small jobs. I know every time I conquer one it makes me that much stronger. If I do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves. With the love, care and belief from families, friends and acquaintances, I know I will one day be the best in what I do. I may not have everything now but I have Him to seek guidance and gather strengths from. I have Him to shine the light on the path I am walking because I know faith is putting all my eggs in His basket, then counting my blessings before they hatch.

Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) (The Official 2010 FIFA ...

If Love Were A Game...

Dear Diary,

My head is spinning like a cow caught in the middle of a tornado in the movie Twister. I knew I had that coming when I started smoking again. I shouldn’t have smoke I have reminded myself many times. It is not the craving. It is the feeling of need because when you are alone, a stick of cigarette can make a good friend. Ask that to all smokers on earth and I guarantee you that they will agree.

I smoked like a chimney during my last days in Subang. With only the television as my companion, I cannot help but to feed myself to the tobacco. The nicotine has stayed in my blood and I supposed that creates a sort of craving to smoke when I had left Subang. I decided not to go farming today. I was supposed to go but I changed my mind when I was taking the shower. The sudden attack of giddiness hit me until I had to squat on the floor with the shower turned on sprinkling water on me. I shut my eyes for a minute or two I think. That’s how bad it is when I have that attack. I notice I often have that when I smoke too much. Every night without fail while I was in Subang I took two panadols before I went to sleep. I believe somehow they cured my headache.

How is your day so far Diary? Has it been good? Mine is good regardless of the headache. I spent my time taking a short nap just now and reading some motivational stuff online. Nowadays, I often feed myself with inspirational and motivational stories to lift my spirits up. I need to constantly boost my enthusiasm and excitement. I need to realize the simple truths about life. There are always moments of ups and downs. Your emotions travel with you like they sit on a roller coaster. Circumstances around you play a part in shaping your mood. The conversations you have with people, the stories you hear in the news and the pictures you see in the papers, they influence the way you feel about things.

If my heart were a piece of rock, I am sure I will not be easily affected by the nitty gritty of things. But it is not. If I could say things that my heart really meant, wouldn’t it be delightful? Hence I do not have to hold the feelings in my heart anymore. Yes, we have to focus on the things we have than the things we don’t have. How difficult can that be? Have you tried it Diary? And then, people will say if you never try you will never know. So try you did forgetting the very most fundamental aspect of trying; be ready for truth.

Truth always hurt. If you think you are not ready, do not bother trying. This is not a game where losing is easily acceptable. How sore a loser you are, a game is still a game and it does not concern the heart. When it concerns the heart, you always have to lose something that you cannot replace. Nobody shares the same personality, looks, attitude and love. Everybody is different. If everybody is the same, I am sure there will not be many broken hearts on earth. We love someone for who they are. It’s in the way they hold us and make us feel. How ready are you to be rejected by the one you love?

If love is a game of Farmville or Pet Society on Facebook, yes perhaps I will try and try and try until I succeed. Or if love is a competition of mountain climbing or essay writing, I definitely will excel but it is not. Love is not a game it is a commitment between two people that could possibly last their lifetime. I have learnt so much from my mistakes. It makes me cherish the weight of values that love carries because love makes my soul crawl out from its hiding place.

Must See! Look at yourself after watching this.

*The Golden Girls ~ Thank You For Being A Friend*

Focusing On What We Have Than Do Not Have....

Dear Diary,

I went door to door farming today to finish the remainder of blocks for the area I did. I was left with only two blocks and I finished them today. In total I had covered 8 blocks altogether and I am 92 blocks away from my goals. I am moving on to another area tomorrow and I have prepared a new set of latest transacted prices for that area.

Today farming session seemed fast but full of surprises. There were many times when I was startled by barking dogs. It was a good thing that HDB flats always have grilles so the dogs cannot come out of the house. If they could, I am sure I have ended up in the hospitals with many bite marks. I remembered one house I went. The grill was opened because the owner was outside tending to her collection of plants. I walked passed her house and the dog just barked at me angrily. He could come out of the house and attacked me but he didn’t. I was quite afraid if the dog had come out but luckily the owner was outside and she hushed the dog inside. I smiled, thanked her and gave her my flyers.

You know Diary, when the dog was barking at me, I imagined myself as the ‘Mask’ and how I had barked back at the dog with very fearful face, mouth wide open, sharp fangs, slimy tongue and protruding eyes. It is surely good to be able to bark back at all the dogs that have barked at me when I did farming. I supposed I bark back at them in my own way which is to get listing and leads and close the deals. That’s what I am going to do. I feel somehow motivated for the past two days.

Did you know that I received a phone call when I got home today from a resident in one of the blocks. She made some enquiries on latest resale transacted prices. I tried to sound as knowledgeable as possible although I have to admit that I did sound all over the place in some parts of the conversation. It was a good practice for me. From the conversation alone, I learnt of so many things. I should know the transacted prices in the area I want to target. I must have the information at the tips of my fingers because making people wait at the other end of the phone while you search for answers can be unprofessional.

I have learnt how to answer certain questions and soon I might have to write a script on how to counter rejections and objections. That’s what the book said. I must change my mindset and train myself to be a sales millionaire before I can be successful. Whatever it is that I do, acknowledging that I am a salesperson is the bottom line and realized that my job is to sell. I must practice my sales scripts and be diligent. I must always update myself on the market changes and be informative as I can be.

Yesterday and today, I did not think of anybody else before I did my farming. All I thought of was my parents and how I badly want to dedicate my hard work and success to them when I have achieved my goals. I supposed I cannot allow myself be too enveloped with lost loves. It can be distracting and demoralizing. Even how much it hurts I must always learn by heart to focus on what I have instead of what I do not have.

That is what a woman told me last night and I think it is the best advice that I have gotten in times of my adversities. Thank you, for the friendship you have given me, thank you for the friend I have found in you. For whatever reasons you came into my life, I feel blessed because my heart smiles a little having your virtual company. We cannot deny in everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit regardless as a friend or a mere acquaintance.

Kindness Matters Most

Dear Diary,

I’ve been trying to figure out what I am going to write for today’s entry. I cannot seem to think of anything and thus, I don’t know what to write. I wish I have something to share with you. Oh wait a minute Diary, actually I do have something to share only that, I do not know how to begin.

It is not easy to tell as how easy it happened. Someone did not die but what happened somehow affected my morale, hurt my soul, traumatized my spirit and killed my courage. To describe it in one word; sad. No matter what it did to my morale, soul, spirit and courage, sad represents every inch on my map of emotions.

There are times after what happened, I wish I had just left things as they were so there isn’t going to be any heartaches for me to handle. The aftermath of it can be quite discouraging and demoralizing. If only I can do a miracle, I definitely would change everything about it.

Just as I wanted to shut my heart to the world, a woman whom I have never seen nor heard came into my life. It is funny how I felt for this woman. It was nothing special but when you are recovering from previous disappointments in life and when someone came appearing to give you hope, you became happy thinking I have someone now to share my life stories. You thought to yourself it is true that there is a silver lining behind every dark cloud. Your spirits catapulted to its highest point, soul dancing, courage strengthens and moral boost only to be disappointed with the truths about her. Perhaps this is all karma. I don’t know Diary but I am holding on.

It is funny how some people think it is so easy to fix things. They simply think damages done can be forgotten effortlessly. At times, I hope I do not have a heart so I will not feel anything and can be oblivious to the surroundings but I can’t. I am not regretting and I am not complaining anymore. I have grown tired of it all. Whatever happens to me yesterday, today or tomorrow, I will say a little prayer to Allah and says “Alhamdulillah”.

I will not hold grudges no matter how I am treated becausetoday I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.

Keane - Nothing In My Way

Visualize And You Will Be...

Dear Diary,

I actually wanted to write to you in Malay but I changed my mind. Not that I cannot write in Malay but I feel awkward doing it. It is like asking me to turn straight you know what I mean? I speak, write and read Malay but I have always written to you in English and I supposed it is natural for me to feel ill at ease doing it. But I promise you that I will someday do it. I have someone to prove that I write in Malay as well as in English.

How are you Diary? I hope you are happy and well wherever you are. Ask me how I am and I will most likely tell you that I had some inspirational moments these past few nights. It is good to feel this way again. I spent my time yesterday at Toa Payoh most of the time. I went for my first HDB appointment at noon and in the evening I went for a road show. The road show was not held at my area of expertise but I thought I would just go anyway. There is another road show tomorrow but I am not sure if I will go. It is also not in my area and I am contemplating to go or not.

I think I have used about 300 of my flyers and I sure have plenty more to use. I will do my door to door farming again during the weekdays with 5 blocks each day. Wow, I really hope I still have the stamina from all the mountain climbing I have done. I am being positive Diary. I have told myself that I cannot expect good results to come instantly when I farm. All I have to do is to keep on doing it and believe in the law of averages. In sales, you cannot deny the simple truth about it all. Always apply the law of averages when you are marketing your services and products.

One thing I also learn about selling is, do not put the blame on the price or the product because if there are other sales people who sell the same products at the same price as you do who are doing good, then there must be something about you that you have to change. I am talking about mindset. I bought a book Diary. It is called ‘Ultimate Selling Power’. Nowadays, I spend my time reading informative books like this and working. I do not go out leisurely anymore. I supposed there is nothing else to do here except to work and be with positive people. I have to learn from them and hope to be successful like them. I cannot afford to waste anymore time and to have visions and dreams but not do anything about it. All talk and no action makes me an empty vessel.

I have to bear in mind the reason why I came back here. Visualize, they say.

I Deserve It For Sure...

Dear Diary,

I went door to door farming today and it was quite tiring than I expected. I carried 600 pieces of flyers with me and a little prayer before I left home. I wanted to bring a bottle of water with me but I thought I wouldn’t be thirsty but I was so wrong. I have planned my day and so I walked to the neighbourhood where I planned to do the farming. It was about 300 meters from my house. I did not know how it was going to turn out because that was going to be my first time doing it and on my own. I did not even tell my Manager about it. I just wanted to do it you know. Besides I did not think it was necessary for me to let him know. What can he do anyway?

Upon reaching the neighbourhood, I was quite surprised because there were more than 5 blocks there. All these while, I thought there was just going to be 5 blocks of flats but again, I was wrong. I was rather nervous. I took out my organizer and I jot down the flat number and the time I was about to start. It was 12 noon and I calmly planned how I was going to do it. I got into the lift and pressed the highest floor. I did from the highest floor and I walked down the stairs to the lowest. A block has about 115 units and I did 3 blocks altogether. Diary, if my feet had not had blisters from the slip on I wore, I swear I would have done more than 3 blocks but I was tired and I supposed I got worn out from it.

The blisters, the headache and the thirst stopped me. I wish I had listened to my instincts to carry with me a bottle of water and to wear a pair of running shoes. I sweat a lot and I felt like I was climbing a mountain. I did not leave any house without my flyers. I slip my flyers to every door I saw, opened or closed. I started with “Bismillah” and I ended it with “Alhamdulillah”. Occasionally, I took out my mobile and read the message which Flying Babe sent to me years ago. It was an old message but somehow I just wanted some motivations. Even though the message was old but the content of the message was enough to make me feel that she was still with me. It made me feel inspired and motivated. I promised myself that I will do it again next week since I have an appointment with HDB for the selling of my house tomorrow.

I am probably in love with someone who is not in love with me anymore. Call me crazy Diary. I realized long time ago that it was my fault for letting her go and now I am hungry for her love again. I deserve nothing but this and I shall face it like a woman. I have known that relationships are like glass, it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. Am I hurting myself by doing this? I do not care because for all I know, I still deserve to feel the pain and miseries for being so careless in something as delicate as love.

Miley Cyrus - When I Look At You (Lyrics)

Give That Heart A Shake...

Dear Diary,

I went to my office yesterday to collect my 12,500 pieces of A6 flyers and boy, were they heavy! I left home with mum and had breakfast with her first before taking the train to office. The journey to office was fast and easy but somehow I still miss my car. On Saturday before I left, I took a final look at her promising myself that I will come back for her again. I did not make any changes in the car. I left her as how she is. If an object like a car could talk, I wonder what she would say to me before I left because I bid her farewell on that day knowing that it could be the last time I see her again. I believe she will be in good hands. I knew Rolly Polly has a liking for my car and she will take good care of her even if she’s only leasing it for a year.

How do you do Diary? I believe it has been a few days I have not written. Have you been missing me like how I have missed you? I miss Subang Jaya and my car very much. I also miss the time I spent with Flying Babe. Things in Singapore are pretty much the same for me. I am going back to work on my career in real estate here. With the flyers, I supposed I can start doing door to door farming and hope to get some kind of encouraging results out of it. I have attached 1,200 pieces of the flyers with the latest transacted prices and I think I can do about 9 flats with that number of flyers.

I am targeting about 100 flats in my neighbourhood and it looks like I am going to be busy if I do it according to my plan diligently. Diary, I have to be honest that at times like this I wish I would have someone in my life where I could at least get a little moral support. I am really on my own now Diary. Is this what I really want? I do not know and I do not want to get all self pity about it. I am waiting for a moment where I can call it mine. Perhaps I must keep in touch with Traveller who spends all her time working almost to the extent of ignoring her friends. I do not know what has got into her but the last time I checked on her, she looked so haggard and old. I suppose that is the aftermath of overworking herself. She totally enveloped herself with work with little or no time for leisure at all.

When I saw her last week, I imagined myself in her shoes and it somewhat scared me to have a life like that. On the contrary, she spends all her time working that she hardly has time to reflect on what she has missed most about life, so that leaves her little time to get all sentimental and emotional. I wish I could do that but as a naturally sensitive person, it is rather unachievable. I am still struggling to face reality. It has not sunk in yet. I am still in the midst of settling down my senses. It is more than a culture shock I am experiencing. Things happened too fast for me. I am physically here but my heart is somewhere else. It takes sometimes to get my heart to where it really is. Perhaps my heart is lost and it is finding its way back home alone.

I feel so many emotions right now although I am not embracing each one of them. It only makes me more confuse than I already am. I must possibly give my head a vigorous shake like how all dogs give themselves after a bath. I have promised myself not to get expressively involved with anyone. I am not sure if I am doing it right because I am starting to disregard some people in my life. I am starting to get picky with whom I want to interact with. Once again, I am building the walls around me and I shall not nor allow anyone to break them. I am sealing my heart, reserving it for only those who deserve it.