If Love Were A Game...

Dear Diary,

My head is spinning like a cow caught in the middle of a tornado in the movie Twister. I knew I had that coming when I started smoking again. I shouldn’t have smoke I have reminded myself many times. It is not the craving. It is the feeling of need because when you are alone, a stick of cigarette can make a good friend. Ask that to all smokers on earth and I guarantee you that they will agree.

I smoked like a chimney during my last days in Subang. With only the television as my companion, I cannot help but to feed myself to the tobacco. The nicotine has stayed in my blood and I supposed that creates a sort of craving to smoke when I had left Subang. I decided not to go farming today. I was supposed to go but I changed my mind when I was taking the shower. The sudden attack of giddiness hit me until I had to squat on the floor with the shower turned on sprinkling water on me. I shut my eyes for a minute or two I think. That’s how bad it is when I have that attack. I notice I often have that when I smoke too much. Every night without fail while I was in Subang I took two panadols before I went to sleep. I believe somehow they cured my headache.

How is your day so far Diary? Has it been good? Mine is good regardless of the headache. I spent my time taking a short nap just now and reading some motivational stuff online. Nowadays, I often feed myself with inspirational and motivational stories to lift my spirits up. I need to constantly boost my enthusiasm and excitement. I need to realize the simple truths about life. There are always moments of ups and downs. Your emotions travel with you like they sit on a roller coaster. Circumstances around you play a part in shaping your mood. The conversations you have with people, the stories you hear in the news and the pictures you see in the papers, they influence the way you feel about things.

If my heart were a piece of rock, I am sure I will not be easily affected by the nitty gritty of things. But it is not. If I could say things that my heart really meant, wouldn’t it be delightful? Hence I do not have to hold the feelings in my heart anymore. Yes, we have to focus on the things we have than the things we don’t have. How difficult can that be? Have you tried it Diary? And then, people will say if you never try you will never know. So try you did forgetting the very most fundamental aspect of trying; be ready for truth.

Truth always hurt. If you think you are not ready, do not bother trying. This is not a game where losing is easily acceptable. How sore a loser you are, a game is still a game and it does not concern the heart. When it concerns the heart, you always have to lose something that you cannot replace. Nobody shares the same personality, looks, attitude and love. Everybody is different. If everybody is the same, I am sure there will not be many broken hearts on earth. We love someone for who they are. It’s in the way they hold us and make us feel. How ready are you to be rejected by the one you love?

If love is a game of Farmville or Pet Society on Facebook, yes perhaps I will try and try and try until I succeed. Or if love is a competition of mountain climbing or essay writing, I definitely will excel but it is not. Love is not a game it is a commitment between two people that could possibly last their lifetime. I have learnt so much from my mistakes. It makes me cherish the weight of values that love carries because love makes my soul crawl out from its hiding place.