I woke up early today with some memories of yesterday. I smelled something good and I knew mum was cooking. I got out of my room and walked straight to the bathroom not acknowledging my mum at all. I felt so tired from everything and I know it is not a good thing to feel to start the day. I felt demotivated, demoralised and so weak like I was going to die. I did not want to look at mum because I know she would have asked if she had seen my face like that.
I took my shower and I got prepared to do my farming. I have not done my farming for a week since I have got leads online. I have been trying to match the leads with the listings of other agents and up till today I have not been successful. It has also been a week since I last watched TV. I feel stressful Diary. I feel that I need a break but how can I when I have not met my expectations. I feel angry with myself. I cannot describe how I feel nowadays. I need to be on the praying mat but I can't since I am still having my period. I need to speak to Him directly. I just need to let it go you know Diary...just talk it out.
When I got dressed, mum asked me to have my breakfast. I did and while I was chewing the food, I stared at the wall looking very blank. Mum must have noticed and she made small talk with me. I did not look at her at all Diary. I knew if I were to look at her, I would have just broke down and cry. I wanted so much for her to hug me at that moment but I held myself back. What would I ever do without this kind soul whom I call mother? I wondered silently how it is going to be if she's gone from my life.
I left home after breakfast and I got to Avenue 6 at 11am sharp. I sat down for awhile and read some prayers first before I began. I did 3 blocks altogether because the flyers I brought were just enough for 3 blocks. I wished I would have brought more since all I wanted to do was to work and work. I wanted to be busy Diary so I would not have time to be misery, grumpy or gloomy. I wanted to forget unhappiness that exist in my life today and I wanted to erase the sadness away. I finished the 3 blocks at exactly 1pm and I walked back home. As I walked home, I walked passed my old block and I looked up to the unit that I used to live. We lived on the 8th floor in that block and I recalled how I used to climb over the window in my late brother's room to get into my room because I got locked out of my room.
You see Diary, at that time I was not talking to my mother because she was upset with me. Well, I was 17 then and you know how teenager can be at that age don't you? I was so egotistical and adamantly refused to ask my mother for the key to my room. Furthermore, it was way past midnight and I did not want to wake my parents up also, because I knew, more nagging will come if I did. My late brother's room was just next to mine and from his window I can just climbed over to my room with a bit of climbing skills of course. He refused at first and asked me to get the key from my mother. I stood firm on my principle and influenced him to work with me. I was very persistent to get what I wanted and he just had to give in to my persistency.
So there we were...planning to execute the strategy we had. My late brother offered to climb but I objected because I felt it was my responsibility and furthermore, he was way bigger than I was. It was difficult for him to walk over from his window to mine. I gave him the logic and he started thinking. He agreed to let me do it. So we took a used towel, tore it to about 5 strips, tied them together and tied the end of it to my waist and to his window grille. So, I climbed over his window closest to my room and as soon as I managed to step on the parapet which was as wide as the size of my feet, I began to slowly walked across the pillar that separates his room than mine.
It was a lucky thing that the pillar was not too protruding and wide. The only challenge was to get across the pillar. I had to let my right foot stepped on the parapet of my window first and then let my right hand get hold of my window frame. From behind I will look like as though I was hugging the pillar but that's how I did it. My late brother held on to my hand so tight that I could feel as though he was going to crush my bone. As soon as I managed to get my right hand held on to my window frame, I asked my brother to let go of my left arm. I slowly walked over and I got to my side of the window safely and I just climbed over to my room from there. It was crazy Diary. I still couldn't believe I did that until now. If I had lose my grip, I could have fallen off 8th storey and died probably. My brother did not live long enough to talk about it. I am sure if he had lived longer, we would have laughed about it.
I smiled while I was walking home. Remembering it brought smile to my face and I felt a little better. You know Diary, I have never failed to wonder how would it be if he was still alive. Would he have got married and bear children of his own? Would I have become an aunt to his children? I often wonder and at times, I do imagine that he is still alive. In times of my adversities, I would picture him alive and recall what would he have said to me to keep me going. I miss him Diary.
I am not feeling too good right now. I am struggling with my career Diary. It is tough. Nobody said that it was going to be easy but nobody also said that it was going to be this mind blowing. I feel that my brain is going to explode anytime soon. Diary, I don't know what to do now. I feel so exhausted.
I am recollecting all the memories I have about my brother and I think I am hearing him back again. I am sad but I am not giving up. As much as how I wonder how it is going to be if he were still alive, I wonder how it is going to be in 5 years time if I just stay on in this industry and keep on doing it without giving up come what may. I am discouraged by what happened to me personally. And it adds on to the miseries and pressures I have in my work. I hate to be feeling this way and what saddens me most is how insensitive people can get. It is so sad to know that the one whom you think is kind is actually evil. I wonder how she is going to feel if she were in my shoes.
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