who's the judge...?

dear diary, it rained in the afternoon again and my fingers almost got numbed. some lunatic moron turned the air conditioner to full blast and i was freezing! it was so cold i felt i was in the refrigerator at the freezer compartment. i almost fell asleep just now but i managed to stay awake by excusing myself to the toilet to wash my face with ice cold water every 30 minutes.

i missed the singapore idol on TV last night but i didn't miss The OC. singapore idol is not in my favourite tv program list, therefore, it's no surprise if i had miss it. the competition is getting tense and crucial as there are only 6 idols wannabe left and they are considered to be the best to have managed to remain in it this far. however, i do have my own reservations about all these idols craze. the best might not be crowned as the singapore idol because this competition is all about the people's choice. you stay because of the number of votes you receive and to secure the highest number of votes is to be likable to the mass; the public. some people have the cut, good quality voice, good looks and versatile but there's just something about them the public doesn't like and they get eliminated because the votes are not coming in for them. ironic isn't it? back at the american idol, i remember Simon Cowell said that this competition is about your voice quality, doesn't matter how you look like. it's a singing competition, what else do you look for if not for good powerful vocal that can deliver any songs in a singing competition? that's the norm but when the results depend very much on the discretion of the public, then anything can happen. these idols wannabe will eventually have their own followers and fans. the more fans they have, the more number of votes they will get. if the public decide that an idol wannabe is not friendly or does not appear appealing to them, obviously votes will not be coming in for that particular idol. in my opinion, singaporeans cannot become good outstanding singers like the indonesian or phillipino or any other asian countries that is popular in producing singer with powerful vocal chord. looking back at Asia Bagus, some of you might remember this program which was hosted by Najib Ali and Tomoko (If i got the name right). i hardly remember contestants from singapore who had powerful voice that we can be proud of. the very first grand final top prize was awarded to the infamous 'Construction site', the singapore rap group which did not make it big after winning it. Kris Dayanti of indonesia was beaten by merely 1 point but looking at her achievements and success now, we might have thought she holds first place. singapore is definitely not a place where you can sing full time to make a living. the market is small and it's not encouraging. english is the national language and singaporeans would rather buy an english album from international artist than an english album sung by a local artist. that is just how people think over here. even if the album is in another language which can be appealing to the local market, still it is hard to sell. i am really wondering what will happen to the singapore idol after winning the title. can he or she survive by singing in singapore or their fate will be the same with 'construction site' that seems not constructing anymore? i do not know. it is hard to predict since things are often changing, but i doubt the winner can have his cake and eat it. the life of the singapore idol will change but i don't think it's going to be permanent unless she/he moves to a country where she/he is sure to be successful.

i went to Levis just now and wanted to buy the denim shirt i told you about. i went to wisma atria levis counter but they didn't have my size anymore and so i went to takashimaya and no they didn't have my size too. i asked the sales person to check with their other boutique but most of them did not have my size or that model anymore. it's difficult because it's an old stock. it's denim Type 1 sleeveless shirt that comes in 3 colours but i only like the darker blue and they didn't have that in my size anymore. they only have large and it's too big for me. they have S for the other colours but i prefer the darker blue cos i think it looks more outstanding. i look nice in them. i am not sure if i want to go to the other boutique and find out. the sales staff was not very helpful and did not volunteerily call many of the boutiques to ask. he wasn't busy when i came and that really turned me off. i had to ask him to make the call to the selected boutiques without him having the initiatives. i couldn't stay long anyway so i left in a hurry. i am still contemplating to buy or not to buy. i am sure if i really search for it, i will find it somewhere here in singapore. i might have to make a stop at Centrepoint later and check the levis boutique there. i hope they have it cos i still need to get a haircut and do my laundry. gosh, i have so many things to do later on. i might be skating tonight if it doesn't rain with hulk. he told me he has started to practice skating but he still has yet to learn how to glide. he only practiced for 30 minutes alone and having been skating for some time now, i know he will not be able to learn fast. it could be because of ramadan that he has slowed down, otherwise he should be able to glide already by now. everybody seem tired and weak and worse of all lazy. i must drink more water today, i have not been drinking a lot of water and i don't want to get dehydrated. i have to buy some milk from 7-11 or cold storage on my way home.

i received a hari raya card from pumpkin yesterday. she's nice to me and i think i might fall for her anytime soon. she seems caring and sincere. she calls me, she sms me, she chats with me and she send me a card. aramis always promise to send me gifts but she never did. she always makes me wait and hope for things that never going to happen. she always gives me empty promises that only bring more miseries to my soul. she was missing from my life for 3 years and she came back only to hurt me even more. i often wonder why did i fall for her knowing that it will only bring more pain and sufferings. i smile at that question, that's the only thing i can afford to do. it helps me heal a bit...

live to tell...

Dear diary, I am not sure if we are into the monsoon season here but it has been raining almost everyday and night. Getting the clothes to dry can be quite difficult especially when you have a lot of laundry to do. The festive season is coming and the existing curtains and bed sheets have to be washed and cleaned. All those add up to the amount of laundry I have to do this few weeks. It?s only sunny in the morning before 12 noons but I have always missed it because I am not a morning person. I usually wake up at 9 and by the time the washing machine stops spinning it will be 9.45 which leave me with merely 2.5 hours to put the morning sun to use which is an insufficient amount of time to dry the clothes. I have been doing my family's laundry every fortnight and I hang them to dry indoors usually.

It helps a bit cos I do my own personal laundry every Friday night and I need the space to dry my clothes outdoor. I never let anyone do my laundry because I don't trust them to handle my clothes. Even the maid was not allowed to wash my clothes. If there were anything that I will never let anyone do, it would be doing my own personal laundry. I go out 5-6 times a week and I dress up to occasions. I don't wash my clothes immediately after use instead I gather them in a laundry basket and wash them altogether on a weekly basis. I don't mix my own clothes with the others.

It is just a principle I have about my belongings. I am not sure but I guess that is how I was brought up. I am the only girl and growing up with 3 boys, wait a minute, it's 2 actually, yes, growing up with 2 boys mom has always separated and differentiated my belongings from my brother's. I am the obedient child and follows what mum told me to do. I only eat my share of food and drink my share of water. I only use my stationeries and never took from by brothers. Simply said, I never like to use things that belong to others and I expect people to be like that too. I wouldn't say that I am selfish but I hate to lend my stuffs to people. I would rather buy them the stuffs with my own money than having them to borrow from me. It?s a bit crazy but it's the truth.

I remember when I was 8 years old, a friend always had to borrow my sharpener, I didn't like it but I lent it to her anyway with conditions that she use it with proper care and return it to me immediately after use. I often nagged at her for not having her own sharpener, as it was not an expensive thing to buy beyond our 8 years old pocket money. At one time, she got uncomfortable with my constant nagging that she stopped borrowing from me. I felt bad but what can I do what can I say? In my opinion, if a thing is as important as eating and drinking, why can't we all make an effort to make it readily available for our own convenience? I may be right, but situations and circumstances have to be taken into considerations here. I didn't know her family background. At one time, we were chit chatting with each other, and she told us spontaneously that her family sleeps at night without shutting the main door. She continued telling us that they had to leave the door open in order to feel the wind because they didn't have a fan. I remain silent and I thought to myself how thoughtless I had been. I gave her my sharpener the next day hoping that it would make her day brighter than usual.

I have changed a little ever since. I started to share my food and drinks, I have started to become sensitive towards other people's shortcomings but still I am particular about lending people my favourite stuffs. I don't think I would lend my mini disc, my inline skate, my palm top, my watches or my clothes to people. I mean, I am not stingy but there are some valuable belongings of mine which I have to keep private don't I and people just have to respect that, like it or not.

You know what I have been thinking all afternoon diary? I have been thinking about this girl I tried to woo when I was in secondary two. She was a Sikh and she immediately caught my attention when I first laid my eyes on her. She was pretty, sharp nose, hazel brown eyes, and flawless skin, natural brown hair. You know how those south Indian girls can look like right? Gosh, they are simply gorgeous; I think they are naturally outstanding than those fake Hollywood actresses. I did get her name but it was such a difficult name to remember. I always tried to get her attention whenever I can. She was the school's councilor and I purposely became the regular latecomers just so I could have a one to one interaction with her. Being so close with her gave me the cold hands and my heart always seemed to beat faster than usual. She is just the one woman I adore.

Her looks are magnificent and it could drown out all the other beauties. She is simple but I am sure if she has learnt how to dress up and apply some make up, she will be a drop dead gorgeous babe! I wanted to be close with her, I wanted to be her friend so that I can know what are her favourite drinks and what are her favourite food but I had to change to a new school when I entered secondary 3 and it broke my heart. I never saw her again and I do wonder sometimes, if she would have remembered me like how I am remembering her. We did talk to each other and exchanged smiles but those were just about it. I was not given the opportunity, she was friendly though and she was not selective in making friends. She talked to me without failing to smile.

You know diary, sometimes, when you come across a girl that you like, you really want to touch her and hold her. You started to imagine she was in your arms, it's a good feeling until you realised that it's hard with a lot of obstacles because you are simply a lesbian, which the society shuns. I guess, the hardest part for a lesbian is to watch someone she admires so passionately in the arms of another man. That?s when we know how tough life can be for us. It?s sad when the people you admire and adore cannot accept what you are. Some of us are lucky to be able to turn straight girls into bisexuals but some of us are not. I never tried to hit on straight girls before. It?s just something I don't believe in. my x-gfs have mostly been lesbians naturally without being influenced. There?s only one person whom I have never consider as a genuine lesbian. She seemed lost in her true identity and doesn't know whom she really wants to love. Always making excuses for her mistakes and very emotionally disturbed most of the times. I don't know if she was using that to attract attention because she seemed to cry easily with me during our courting times. It was like she did what she did to have sympathy with what she has gone through in the past.

Honestly, she got my sympathy and my love but it was somebody else that she loved. I was just there to fill up her time and got her attentions diverted for a while from the girl. We do not talk anymore because she thinks I am superficial and I think she is emotional. One man's meat maybe another man's poison. It?s impossible to please everybody and we must always remember that we only have one life to live so make the best out of it. For people to like and hate us, always think that it's bound to happen because we humans will never be perfect for everyone. Think that even our Prophet had enemies let alone us. I never let anymore of such things bother me because I have learnt that trying hard to please everybody is the first step to failure because it is impossible.

Little sister is still silent without any news. I am beginning to get worried and negative about things. All the emails I sent her are not replied and I really hope this silent from her is because of the transplant and not because of anything else. I am just afraid if I have said something wrong that makes her stay away from me. I really don't know what could be the problem except for the transplant. Where could she be diary? I miss her so much and I hope she knows it. There?s no fun without her in my life. It?s been more than a month and how much longer is it? If the transplant seems to be successful without any complications, I heard that it only takes 2-3 weeks before the patient could come out of the clean room. But I don't know the situation now with little sister. There?s no news, no emails, no sms, no phone calls no nothing from her. Please god, make her safe and help her heal. She?s young and she has so much to look for in her life. Give her a chance...please.

Diary, I am contemplating on whether or not should I buy this shirt that I have been eyeing. It?s Levis and I like it very much. I have a strong feeling that I might get it anytime soon. I know myself and if I want something I will get it. It?s denim and it's nice, been eyeing on it for a long time but I have been putting the idea aside that I actually forgot abt it until last night. I went to orchard last night alone for a while. I just went to wisma atria and takashimaya. Many shops were having sale and surprisingly I didn't buy anything at all. There were a few tops that I liked but thinking back of how many tops I have bought this year made me put them back to where they belonged.

Furthermore, they didn't have something different. They are all of the same pattern with different design. I wanted something rugged but trendy, something simple but stylish, not something common where you can see everyday. You know, I think I really should get that Levis top. It?s worth it, I just don't know when to get it but I must get it before this Saturday though so that leaves me with only tonight and tomorrow. I want to wear it on Saturday night to geylang serai. We will be going there for dinner and do some hari raya shopping. I am sure geylang will be crowded this Saturday. It?s end of month and it falls on Saturday. People have every good reason to visit geylang. We are going dinner to this newly opened restaurant, which has received a lot of publicity due to its tremendous advertising campaigns. It?s always like that with newly opened restaurants during Ramadan. People flocking in non-stop like there's no tomorrow. My family has been trying to book a table since last month but we were always told that it's fully booked. I wonder if it can survive after Ramadan cos newly opened restaurants in geylang serai are known to be popular during Ramadan but will eventually closed down after that due to poor response from the public. That is why they say; things are hot when they are new.

geylang serai is not popular as it is during Ramadan. It?s the Malay kampong Singaporeans call it, but it's just in the name. It doesn't have any big names shopping centre that can attract tourist and Singaporeans from all walks of life to visit geylang on regular days. Unlike, Mohd Mustafa and Samsuddin Company in little India, geylang serai has nothing similar or as good as that. Therefore, even good restaurants find it hard to survive in geylang off Ramadan. Sometimes, I wish the Malay society would have an entrepreneur who thinks big and different like Mohamad Mustafa and Samsuddin so that we can have a tall building standing proud in the heart of mind you, not Orchard road but Geylang Serai and attract all the tourist, foreigners and Singaporeans from all walks of life and races to give geylang serai a totally new vibrant environment.

no woman no cry...

dear diary, i got into IRC last night out of boredom and saw pumpkin. i chatted for 5 minutes with her and she logged out. i never had this feeling with chatter before you know. i always have something to talk about, something to chat about, but nowadays, i always run out of topics to discuss. i have become very quiet and extremely laid back. i just hope i am not turning into a lazy good for nothing piece of shit. but then again, maybe it is just with pumpkin. when i got to know her, i wasn't trying to woo or to impress her that much. we got to know each other casually. none of us had any intentions of looking for that someone to fill up the space in our life. furthermore, whenever i communicate with her, i feel that pumpkin and i have unwritten mutual agreement not to talk about relationships and romance.

even during the times i met her, it was just simple casual fun talk about ourselves. our conversations are always restricted to mature adult talks which don't involve intimacy. i am not quite sure why. honestly, i find it rather boring but i still want to get to know her more. i know there are lots about her which i haven't know. you know diary, when i met her, i wanted to hug her, cos she looks adorable. i just want to feel her meat pressed against my body. you know, it's nothing like sexual fantasies, i am not a sex maniac but i just want to hug a 'wholesome' person. you get what i mean? she's shorter than me, and she's fleshy and she looks adorable and her appearance is very inviting to hugs and kisses.

well never mind, i know we are still going to keep in touch, there's always a time for me to get up close and personal with her. she kissed me on my cheeks virtually last night before turning in to bed. i kissed her back. it's so funny, don't know if we are able to do that for real. i miss her company sometimes. she invited me over to her house on Syawal. i am not sure if i can make it. but i would really love to meet her again. i just want to spend quality time with her in person without anyone else. she brought her sister on our first date, so it's quite awkward with less privacy.

oh yes, talking about women, aramis texted me last night. i was contemplating on whether or not to reply which eventually i did. we exchanged news having her doing most of the talking instead of me. it's totally the opposite now. i am playing safe and i am holding back whatever feelings i have for her. she told me she misses me very much. i didn't say anything to that. i don't know what to say anymore everytime she said that to me. i answered her with extremely short simple answers. i didn't elaborate on my answers like i usually did. i didn't do it on purpose nor do i think it was payback time, it just happened and then i knew that i am treating her on a different level now and i assumed she knows it too.

a man got to do what a man got to do. i still love her but i will not commit anymore only until i am assured it's going to work. i hope she will take good care of herself because deep down inside my heart i still have a soft spot for her and i know it will remain there till i die cos she is one of those few who have left footprints in my life and holds the key to my heart. what happens in the future is not for me to decide, but i hope she will be a part of me in my life journey. i miss you very much aramis and i love you so much, it's undeniable...got to go diary, talk to you later. take care.

yellow woman...

dear diary, it is a very sleepy day for me. i have been yawning every 5 minutes and it is not stopping. my back body is aching. i think it is most probably due to the clothes i hanged outside the window with the bamboo pole. it required a lot of strength to carry it in and out. the weekend was good but tiring. a lot of my energy was consumed as we are in the process of spring cleaning the house. relocating, removing and rearranging of the furnitures were done on the weekend and i am so tired. i didn't do much to my room although it looks more spacious and neat now.

it was neat last time but it is even neater now cos my brother gave me his mini shelve and a full body mirror with 6 spacious compartment at the back of it which allows me to put my bags and all those little small things that has been hanging from a hanger in my room. it sure helps my room look tidy. i just need to wipe all the dust away from the mirror. it's so dusty and i couldn't have a clearer view of myself when i look at it. i still have some changes that i want to make to my room but i will do it when i have the time. i just thought of having my hiking and leisure photos up on the wall cos the wall on the left is empty. it would be a good idea to do that. i need to buy the big styrofoam and start decorating it soon if i want it up before syawal.

oh diary i have to tell you this, i didn't go to watch serena bath last week cos i was busy removing the furnitures. my brother went and he told me that it might not be serena after all. what i meant was serena might be a male kitten and so the name has to go. the breeder told us that he brought serena to the vet for the vaccination and even the vet couldn't tell the gender, it's not shown clearly yet so we have to wait for a couple of weeks till serena grows bigger. oh yes, my brother told me that she has grown bigger then the first time we saw her. i told you diary, rag dolls can grow and when i say grow i really mean it. i have decided that if it is really going to be a male, then he is going to be Hang Tuah. classic name isn't it? i like to give my pets exotic and classic names.

it adds character to the pets themselves. one of the breeder's Singapura cat is named Sang Nila Utama. cool huh? the cattery we are engaging is called Temasek cattery and every kitten's/cat's name from the cattery will start with 'Temasek', in my case if it's a male, it will be Temasek Hang Tuah, or if it's female, it will be Temasek Serena Myra. after awhile i think i want it more to be a male than female. I will call him Tuah. he's going to be a big boy. male rag dolls can grow into the size of a dog. i want him to be fat, and sturdy. i want him to be naughty and active. but he loves to bite and everytime i play with him, he will bite my hand. the vet said that he will most probably be a male so that means, we are all going to be happy cos male rag dolls tail can be very fluffy!! i think he's the handsome Hang Tuah. hehehehe....

oh you know what diary? the actress called me on saturday when i least expected her to call. she took me by surprise. we didn't talk long though cos she had to put down the phone since her friend is calling. at least she's quite thoughtful and call me sometimes. i have known people who always expect incoming phone calls but never making an effort to call back. i have learnt my lessons and i have stopped making long distance calls anymore but i still do to some who deserve it. yellow sent me an sms at 2 am last night. she said she was looking at my pictures and was feeling a little sentimental. she said she misses me very much. i replied her back but only this morning. yellow is a nice person. i think she is the only one i know who does not carelessly offend others. she's usually careful and always mind her own business.

she's a bit of the odd one usually in our group in terms of dressing up cos as far as i know shedoesn't dress up. but i like her way and she's somebody who can be your good friend in times of need. i remember those times when i was still with her. it was fun and we worked at our relationship together. it was not just a one sided love affair and hardwork. we both played a part in it and that's the good thing abt it. i still remember how i broke up with her and i knew i was cruel. she was so nice to me, she loved me unconditionally but i was just too plain stupid. i would describe her as an x gf who would do almost anything for me. she came to my life and i sent her away. i still feel sorry for her and i hope she understands why i did what i did. we are still friends and we are still on talking terms.

i hope it will remain that way. yellow has come a long way, she has a stable career now and live on her own away from her parents just like what she has always wanted. i remember she told me she had to log out immediately cos she would be ashamed towards her mother if she cried in the hall. i was speechless at that moment. if only i could be there and hold her to make her feel better. time passes by so quickly and both of us have moved on now. i still meet her occassionally and i have noticed that she has grown into a woman. i wish her all the best and hope she will achieve what she has always wanted to.

hulk and i are planning to go back to our mountaineering days. i miss those days very much. i wouldn't say i have retired from it but i took a very long time off and now have decided to become an active small time mountaineer again. we are planning to get away on weekends to Johor to climb gunung berlumut. i have climbed the mountain before but it was 6 years ago. it was fun and i enjoyed it very much. the mountain was more difficult to climb than ophir and panti also in johor. it was very steep and it even gets steeper when you are near the summit. you have to climb the mountain with both your legs and hands, just like what you would do when you are climbing a ladder. it is literally steep and you only have the natural roots and branches of the trees to hold on to.

besides that, the roots and branches can be slippery from the mud. it is really a muddy mountain i guess that's where the name derived from. it will be a test for me cos i ave not climbed for more than 6 years and this is a good time for me to check on my stamina. i have not been climbing but i have been active in other sports, like skating which is a good form of cardiovascular exercise. let's just pray that things will be fine. i am thinking of asking my brother to join. i am sure he's going to like it.

we are family....

Dear diary, I broke fast with my dad last night. Mum didn't cook cos she had night class so dad bought take away. He bought plenty of food till I had to tell him to watch his buying habit. He is always like that when it comes to Ramadan. He has a big family and so there will be many varieties of food served on the table. He got used to it so much that he carried the habit with him after marriage. It?s bad because we don't have big family like him and we have less people at home now since my brother's death, there isn't anyone who can finish up all the food he bought. I tidied the kitchen after that it was a big mess. We are having some contractors coming in tomorrow morning to change the kitchen windows. It?s about time to change it anyway, the government has issued a memorandum to all owners to change the windows to safe approved ones cos there have been many cases of windowpanes falling mostly due to wear and tear. Some of the cases were fatal.

I watched THE OC last night at the hall. I was interrupted when my brother came home. He bought some furniture from IKEA and I ended up helping him to carry it to his room. He's taking over the room previously belonged to my late second brother. I went to bed early last night after THE OC and I was woken up by loud bang at home. It was my brother. He was fixing his new furniture and he did some hammering. I couldn't believe it because it was 1 in the morning. I went to his room and told him off. He continued hammering, and then it was mum's turn and I took the opportunity to vent out my anger and yelled at him to shut the fuck up before he wakes up the whole neighbourhood. It was unbelievable. It's so thoughtless of him. My brother can be uninhibited most of the times and it creates inconveniences to others. I wonder what was he thinking at that time. It's not like he's retarded or autistic, he is an ordinary man with the capability to think. He is rushing to get the room ready before shawal and I guessed he overlooked the time.

My youngest brother has not called or visited us at home. It's always like that with him. He only visits and calls home when he is in need of help. He?s not that detach nor attach to us. I can understand that since he was brought up my by relatives on dad's side. I wonder how would it be if he had stayed with us. Would it make any difference? Up till today I still detest what has been done. I am angry sometimes but I don't know to whom should I let it out. According to mum, it was my grandfather's wish before he died. It was written in his will that my youngest brother was to live with my grandmother. He wrote the will without even taking into consideration what my mum would feel having her son taken away from her without her approval. I am so angry till today that I have this deep feelings of hatred towards my dad's relatives. A son was taken away from her and now a son has left her for a bigger world. She has lost 2 sons in her life. All that she is left with are my eldest brother, my dad and myself. What they did to her was unfair. Of course my dad was fine with the decision because it was his family.

I am sure that he would reject fully to the idea if it were my mum's relatives who wanted to take my brother away but I knew my mum's relatives are not heartless and insensitive like my dad's. I never like dad's relatives. I never respect them. They have always been selective of which niece and nephew to love. It?s like buying shushis, where you pick and choose. I knew what they think of us when we were young. We were ridiculed, we were badmouthed, we were hated, we were cast away, damn those people. If I had a gun, I would have shot them one by one. Bloody pricks! My second late brother was the one grandma hated the most. He was naughty when he was a child and she couldn't stand him. She often said openly how she hated him. I was young at that time, I knew what was being said, I knew what was being told but I was not brought up to be rude to the elders. I kept quiet not defending my brother. None of us were the favourites among the aunties and uncles. We didn't want to anyway. My youngest brother was the favourite among them.

He was praised, he was loved, he was showered with gifts, he was treated like a king and it is all because my grandmother took care of him so he was considered as one of them, never mind who his biological parents were. We were not treated like him because to them we were different. I swear to god if they ever treated us the same now like how they treated us then, I would give each and every one of them a tongue bashing they will never forget in their entire life, after that I will give a spit at their ugly faces. Not all of them are bad of course. I am just angry diary, most of them hated my mother so much that they not only ignored and looked down on her but they ill talk about her parents as well. What did her parents ever do to them? They think that they are of higher status than my mum; they think they are of a better race than my mum. It?s a shame really it is. They are all living in their past glories. I better stop now diary, talking about them makes me tense.

I think I have to go watch Serena shower tomorrow. I am not sure if my brother had made an arrangement with the breeder. We are supposed to watch how Serena baths so that we will learn how to bath her when she comes live with us. I have bathed many cats before but I guess this time I will learn the proper technique. She is so cute; I think she has grown bigger if I am going to see her tomorrow. Rag dolls grow fast and they can be quite playful. Serena loves to bite, I chose her because she was the only kitten that bit my hand when I wriggled my finger infront of her. Gosh, her blue eyes are so beautiful her white fur is fluffy. I can't wait to bring her home but I have to wait till it's 15th of November as she will be 3 months old by then. I think Serena suits her cos she's pretty and Serena is a pretty name too. I gave her a second name as well. Serena is the first name and I hope my dad can pronounce her name easily. Dad always has difficulty in pronounciations. He?s cute like a humpty dumpty. Big fat belly and bald. I poke his stomach sometimes teasing him. My late brother would join me too.

It was fun last time but now, I feel that I have lost more than just a brother. The good times we shared together growing up under one roof. I teased him and how he teased me back. Growing up with my brothers made me become rough and tough. I love rugged activities and sports, which few girls take up. I was the school sprinter in my primary school and almost got selected to represent the national team; I played netball in secondary school and was selected to be in the school team when I back out just because I hate the coach. I admit that I was stupid but I was 13 years old and full of anger, besides she happened to be my geography teacher who always picked on me. I got involved in mountaineering in my early youth and I climbed most of the popular mountains in Malaysia. I canoed from island to island and I skate from one residential area to another. I prefer to be rugged than lady like but yet feminine. There are many privileges when you are a woman and I don't wish to lose them. I just want to be myself without having to lose my originality, you know that I have always believe in originality because originality never goes out of style.

i talk a lot...

dear diary, there will be The OC on TV tonight and i cannot wait to watch it. it has moved to a new time slot at 10 pm after the last episode of The Apprentice which was aired last week. it's good so that i won't have to stay up late at night to catch it anymore. with the new time slot, i'll be able to sleep early.

how are you diary? is everything ok? this year's hari raya is going to be celebrated with less excitement. i can sense it from now. there's no talk about cooking, baking, shopping and celebrating. i haven't even got myself a pair of new clothes. it will be the first aidilfitri without my brother. i guess we are just going to celebrate aidilfitri moderately to respect his departure. i know everybody miss him and aidilfitri is the time when we will reminisce about the ones we have lost so dearly and this is the time when his loss will be deeply felt in our hearts. he will always be remembered.

i have not heard from little sister till today and i am beginning to worry. she told me she gave my number to her mum in case of emergency. there's no call or sms from her mum, i guess she's alright. it's really been a long time and i hope this silence is because of the transplant and not anything else. i hope she is safe and sound.

i am going night skating next saturday with skateline. we will leave from bishan park and skate to potong pasir and then back to bishan park. it's about 12 km journey. i suggest to the rest of my friends to skate back home from bishan since it's about 15km journey. they agree and i am very excited about it. i have yet to buy safety light for my left skate and i will buy it soon before the event. i have told hulk about it but he seemed disinterested to participate, probably because he has not learnt how to skate yet. well, yeah, to go long distance skating, you need to have acquired the basic skills.

i hope he learns fast. teaching him will surely reminds me of the time i just started to learn inline skating. it was funny thinking back. i have always wanted a pair of inline skate since i was young. when i got myself one, i just skated and skated not thinking about anything else. to feel the wind in your face when you are literally on wheels is such a great feeling. sometimes i do feel like i am flying when i am skating. i don't do aggresive skating, it's not popular here although there are parks to cater the sports. i skate for fitness, speed and recreational.

i do some tricks but i don't do stunts. i figured that urban skating is fun because it helps improve my skating skills with the natural obstacles provided by the ready infrastructure. i need to get a pair of freestyle skate soon cos i think i am beginning to have interest in it. K2 does not have skate for freestyle so i guess i have to opt for Rosignol. i have a friend using Rosignol and he can do slalom so smoothly without the brake pad. i have not decided to take off my brake pad, most people who took off their brake pads either use T-Brake technique or power slide brake which can wear out the wheels. i might have to take it off if i want to do freestyle skating for convenience. enough about skate already...

i am missing aramis very much. sometimes i wonder how is she doing. i wanted to tell her how much i miss her but i just thought it would not be appropriate. she sent me a couple of sms these few days, but i just ignored them. well, it's better like that. i assume now she knows how it feels to send an sms without getting a reply from your loved ones. i hope she learns her lesson well. always taking without giving is not a good thing to practice. she should have realised that relationship requires more than just 'I love you forever'. it's a shame, it really is. i am so angry with her sometimes that i want to cut all ties with her but i know i can't, because i love her so much. i think she's the only woman that i have ever loved and still love so dearly. she is just one of a kind. when i was with russia, i can't get aramis out of my mind. the more i tried the more i thought of her. the feelings i have for her, is just undeniable. i have made her a part of me and it's difficult to forget someone that you have made your flesh and blood. it's impossible. i always have this dream of living together with her but i know it's just a dream that will not come true.

we have this very strange relationship of 5 years. lost and found, broken and patch, wasted and wounded but never forgotten, there is like a strong magnet between the two of us, we don't repel instead we just get attach tightly and there's no other force greater than our love could separate us both. we may live in a distance but we feel each other's presence deep down in our hearts. she is so mysterious and i have never come across any girl like her before. i wrote two poems for her, it's what i really feel about her, about us. it's hard to explain to people. i really have to make people understand otherwise they would think i am just wasting my time. i miss her diary, i keep thinking about her everyday. i wanted things to be like before but i am afraid. i am afraid that i will hurt again which i know i will. it's difficult when she is there and i am here. whenever i heard about penang, it will always reminds me of her. whenever i see a black two door Toyota Rav 4, it will make me think of her, wherever i go, whatever i do and everything i see will remind me of her. i know i love her still but i can only do it from a distance.

have i told you about the actress diary? she seems nice and i think i get along fine with her. i wish i could spend more time with her. she might be back to JB for aidilfitri, if she calls me, i will offer to meet her in jb, i am sure she will like it. we are of the same age and i guess we share the same wavelength and always on the same frequency. she's not untidy which impresses me very much. i have this thing about untidy people. i rather go for simple than untidy girls.

untidy girls just turn me off most of the times. sometimes, it's not about the looks you know diary? it has always been about your personality and how you carry yourself. having interesting personality and knowing how to carry oneself in any situations are traits not many people are blessed with. we have to work at it to perfection. oh well, it's not easy to please everybody anyway, i guess sometimes we just have to fuck it. i've seen beauty and the beast many times before, therefore it boost my belief that personality, charm and charisma are all that matters.

i sent russia a registered card just now by mail. it's her birthday soon and i didn't want to be accused for forgetting it or ignoring it. she gave me a teddy bear on my birthday. i still keep it. i hate teddy bears actually, i think they are for sissies and i hate flowers too. but i do keep them when someone present them to me. however, eventually you will have to throw the flowers away.

i wrote my thoughts down diary. it's my 14th and i still want to write some more. i love writing you know. i can write without stopping but i know it's ludicrous. i miss my good friends in malaysia. i miss them so much. i think i will only mingle with them once i am there. you know how i am with strangers don't you? i am not proud but i am just reserved and hate attentions. i prefer quiet but precious companies. i prefer quality friends than quantity. i can go out alone, watch movie alone, eat alone, sleep alone. i like to do things alone unless i have a girlfriend. but i do go out with my close friends sometimes. it will only be the 2 or 3 of us. i hate to go out with more than 5 people. it's a crowd and i hate to be in a crowd.

i am tired diary. i need to go. take care ok.

mood is gone...

dear diary, it's been a long day. i kept looking at the watch but i didn't find it go any faster at all. i am tired, sleepy, hungry and thirsty. i need to buy another safety light for my left skate. i hope they still have some in stock. i cannot write much. i am not in the mood. i miss little sister, aramis and my brother, i miss them all so very much. i love them with all my heart. later diary

go skaters go...

Dear diary, I spent my weekends mostly at home cleaning and doing the laundry. There?s always lots of laundry to do on weekends. I usually wash my clothes for the week every weekend and my parents and brother's clothes add up to it. It was the usual weekend for me. Staying at home bumming and, unwind and relax. I accompanied Hulk to get a pair of inline skate on Sunday after I went grocery shopping with dad. I think he's the fourth one that I have influenced to buy a pair of inline skates.

Hulk usually cycles when we skate and I think he doesn't want to be the odd one among us anymore; therefore he decided to get himself a pair. I brought him to the skate shop I frequent and he chose K2, which I would have recommended to him too. K2 is one of the most professional names in extreme sports and it is known to be the producer of its equipments. I prefer K2 because it has more stylish and attractive inline skates. Hulk got a good offer, which comes in package consisting of a pair of K2 inline skate with full set of protective gear and a helmet. I never had such package price when I first bought mine. I had to buy them separately and that made me jealous of the offer Hulk got.

I have to plan my schedule as Hulk requests for me to teach him to skate every weekend. I had to oblige. I can't wear my tights or shorts, as it is Ramadan now so I guess I have to settle for my track pants. I wouldn't want my parents to nag at me. I think this Saturday night is good to teach as he's not working and I hope it will not be raining. I can't wait to teach him and watch him fall. *Giggles* it would be entertaining to watch a Hulk fell, just pray that we will not be getting any earthquakes. I might as well ask designer to join us if she wants to since she is still not able to skate at full speed. Maybe I will call this Saturday night 'The Beginner's Night'.

I hope to make more friends with skaters in my neighbourhood so that we can form our own long distance night skate team. It is more convenient to have members from our own neighbourhood cos we can set out from same place altogether instead of having to meet at one point before setting out for the journey. I joined other organisations skating trip before and it was fun but the only inconvenience had to meet them at a meeting place far from my place. It required me to travel on foot as I have no personal transport and I have to carry bigger bag for my stuffs. To skate with a big bag is such an inconvenience.

I have registered with skate line for night skating at Bishan Park on the 30th October and I am actually thinking how am I supposed to get there without having to carry other stuffs. I could skate from my residence but I am not sure if the rest will agree cos it will take about 1 hour to get there at high speed and more than an hour for average speed skaters. I guess I just have to settle for slippers and carry my skate and the protective gear with the sling. Avoid bulky stuffs as much as possible. I need to get a safety light similar to my current one to attach it to my left skate, I couldn't find it on Sunday at the skate line, and I think they have sold it out.

You know diary, aramis text me and I didn't reply her. I didn't know what to say to her anymore. I am not taking her as an enemy but I need to protect myself. Ahh well, what the heck, Russia?s birthday is coming and I need to get her a card. I went to look for it but couldn't find any that suits. There are a couple of things I need to send her too. But I think I will wait till I meet her again, if we ever meet...I hate this thing actually. These entire loveys dovey stuffs are making me sick I feel like vomiting. But you know what, I have met a girl and I think I am attracted to her. I don't know diary, sometimes I feel like giving up my lesbian life altogether but then again, I dare not say it openly or I dare not become determine in doing it because I am afraid. I am positive I am not straight since the day I was born, and to be love and be in love is everybody's dream. What am I supposed to be if I cannot love a man and I cannot love a woman? The religion thingy is hitting on me and I am seeking refuge. Help me diary!

I still have not heard from little sister and it is making me feeling uneasy. I am positive that she has been hospitalised but I just couldn?t figure out why has she not contacting me. It couldn?t be that long could it? I watched a TV programme on TV1 and it showed the insights of leukemia and I got many informations from there. I know what is leukemia but I didn?t know the process of the operations and bone marrow transplant. I have got a clearer picture of it now and I hope she will recover fast and will be blessed with good health till eternity. I miss little sister so much?

it's here again...

dear diary, it is the second day of Ramadan today and the Muslims all over the world begin their day of fasting. mum woke us up at 5 today and i didn't have anything but just a glass of water. i should have drank milk but i forgot. mum told me last night to take care of my health. she advise me to have a glass of milk daily for calcium to have strong bones. she seems rather unusual lately since the death of my brother. she has been advising us more on matters concerning health and has shown great interest of where we are going to skate long distance. she never fail to remind us to watch out for traffic and be more careful on the road. i guess she does not want to lose anymore of her children.

losing a son is already too much for her. i understand her feelings. it is such a great loss to lose a son whom she has carried in her womb for nine months and nine days, whom she has watched him grow from a baby to a toddler, from a teenager to an adult. it is not easy to cope. he is gone now but his presence will still be felt by the people who have loved and love him still. his spirits will still live on and his courage will still be admired. the living ones may have grown old, may have got wrinkles on the face, but his memories will still remains deeply rooted in our hearts never fading away. for all the laughter and the joy, for all the sadness and the pain, we will carry on our humble lives with him in the background. he will not be erased, he will not be forgotten, he will be remembered till it's our turn to bid goodbyes.

mum said that she sometimes forgot that he has died and wanted to look for him only when she realised that he is gone and never coming back. i listened to her attentively and i tried to hold back my tears. it's painful diary, it hurts so much and i don't know when it will heal. i know everybody is missing him and we are all doing it in silence. we never talk about it not because we have forgotten but because we are afraid.

i have been missing aramis a lot and it's making me weak. i always thought about her. i wanted to tell her that i miss her but i am still angry with her. she has dissapoint me many times and i have been tolerating her. it's difficult to live life when you are missing someone that you cannot have. it's tough.

no long stories...

dear diary, it's been awhile. i have been tired nowadays i don't know why. i lack a lot of sleep and i have been finding time to catch up on all my lost sleep. how are you doing diary? i am fine over here just trying to get things done on schedule. little sister has not sent any news yet. i have strong feelings that she had her operation but i did not hear from her so i am just a bit worried. it's taking her a long time to get well after the operation. i don't know anybody who has had a bone marrow operation so i couldn't ask. i might have to check on some reading materials about it. i miss her so much. my world seems lonely without her. usually we would exchange news daily via email but now that she's gone, there's no more email from her. she must be in the hospital right now recuperating. pray for her diary...

russia called me 3 days ago and i was kind of surprised. didn't expect her to call. we never talked about us, instead it was just about the usual 'how are you?' kind of stuffs. she seemed to have understood what i really want. there is no more pushing and appeals anymore. i am glad that she has finally listen. it's better like this diary. she told me herself that she's gonna be 'naughty' until i am in KL for good and it would be awhile before i move there and i am tired of being told it's not convenient to talk almost everytime i called her. honestly, i am not sure if i love her cos i never get jealous of other girls being with her. i can be as cool as ice and i couldn't be bothered at all. she has told me the truth that she doesn't trust me and she always think that i didn't love her. so i guess, this decision of calling it off is a good thing. we are still on good talking terms though and i would like it to be this way. she's an adult and i guess both of us have reached that level of mutual maturity.

have i told you i bought a kitten? her name is Serena and she's coming home in november. i cannot wait for her to arrive. she's such a darling and very adorable. gosh, her face is so cute with her pair of blue eyes. i haven't taken care of her but i have missed her so much already.

i have to go diary, there's THE OC on tv now. furthermore, i am running out of idea of what to write. i need to take some vitamins to keep me going. i feel so weak and sleepy always. later diary take care.

not in my writing mood

dear diary, i cleaned my kitchen tonight and i am going skating later. my relatives came just now and i got busy a little. i can't write much cos i am tired. i think i have lost my passion for writing tonight. i hope it is just for tonight cos i want to continue writing. i need to go already. later...

serena is coming home....

dear diary, last weekend was busy and so i spent little time at home. i went for long distance skating on friday night and i got home at 330 am. i didn't go to bed instead i watched Beyond Borders on VCD which i had bought earlier. it was such a boring show. i didn't like it very much. i am not sure how to describe it but when i watched it, i feel like there was no connection between the story and i. i am not sure if my sleepiness had made me feel that way but i just didn't feel right when i watched it. it was a drama and i usually like drama but not this one. i found it to be a boring drama although i feel that the filmakers of that story had quite an important message to deliver; the less fortunate in undeveloped country. but still, i couldn't connect to the story, i couldn't feel it. i turned it off after watching 3/4 of it and went to bed. i was woken up by mum and i just remembered that i had to go to JB for some kenduri at my aunt's house. i also had an appointment with the actress.

i was not nervous in meeting her i didn't know why. i was mildly excited and i am beginning to wonder. we were supposed to meet at City Square at 2.30 pm but i called her and changed the location to Angsana. she came with two other persons whom i later found out were her sister and her sister's friend. she was friendly and i was quite comfortable with her. i felt like it was a double date but i didn't mind anyway. we went for lunch and sat separately though. we talked about ourselves and i learnt a bit about her. i took the chance to study her features. she has sharp nose and big eyes which pleased me very much. she's shorter than me and that makes me feel at ease. i have always had this thing about girls who are taller than me. she behaved naturally and i didn't think she was shy or anything. i acted natural as well. i wished i could spend more time with her but her mum called so she had to leave early. we bid each other goodbyes and i went home to my aunt's. i had a good time with her but i just wished that she didn't have to go home so early. it was kind of awkward bidding farewell when i noticed that her sister was watching me. she stood near to where we were, and all i could do was just to handshake the actress and say 'goodbye'. i wished i could do more than that like hugging her or something. she called me the next day and told me she wanted to do the same thing too. i just smiled hearing what she said. she's in KL now and it seems that we will not be able to meet again soon. i will be busy and so is she so i guess it is just that and occasional sms to each other. i just hope that we can remain friends for as long as we are alive cos i don't want to lose anymore friendships over petty issues.

i got back to singapore at 3 am and i immediately went to bed after my shower. i woke up at 9 on Sunday morning. thanks to the actress, she called and i was quite pleased. it means something isn't it? when you have met someone and the follow up is quite encouraging, it means that the meeting went well and she does not find a problem in you. we talked quite a bit before she left for KL. she told me how she wanted to hug me too when we bid farewell to each other. i guessed both of us were discreetly shy and trying to get comfortable with each other. she might be coming to singapore next week with her family and she said she'll call me if she is here. i might be meeting her again though. i like hearing her voice on the phone. she has this rich and sweet voice which gives you the impression that she will be short and cute, which she is. i hope she will make it to singapore this week.

i accompanied my brother to view kittens that afternoon. he wanted to buy one and there was a local breeder which he had known that has kittens to sell. he is a recognised breeder and his kittens are known to be clean, healthy, stress free and discipline but they all come with a handsome price. we got to his house at 3.45 and we viewed the kittens. they were all ragdolls and all are 2 months old. ragdolls are known to be big in size and they can grow to a length of 50cm. they are playful and also homely. he has 6 kittens and they all looked the same to me. there were only two females and 4 males. i watched them play and i observed them. i love playful and active cats. i saw one and i began to watch her. she was bigger than the rest and was renposive to my actions. i wriggled my finger infront of her and she touched my finger and when i touched her tummy, she bit my hands. she was playful and naughty. she has blue eyes and a cute sad face, i like her so i chose her and she is going to make me 1,200 SGD poorer. it's quite costly for a ragdoll actually however, the breeder is a recognised breeder and all the kittens are clean, well bred, well groomed and disciplined. she also comes with other packages, we are going to get two weeks supply of cat's litter and she will be vaccinated, there will be microchip implanted in her body for easy detection and tracing if she gets lost, there will also be handbooks given to us for proper care of her. i am going to name her Serena.

i need to go shopping for her stuffs soon cos she will be coming home in mid november and got to have her stuffs prepared. need to buy the litter tray, her shampoo, her toys, her scratch board, her collar strap and her carrier. gosh, i can't wait for her to come home. i want to play with her and i want to sleep with her. she's such a darling. i want to feed her with healthy food so that she will grow big, healthy and strong. maybe i can send her for competitions and win big money for me, what do you think diary?

when health does matter...

dear diary, i burnt my shirt last night while ironing, luckily it wasn't my favourite shirt but i quite like the design. i only wear it 4 times altogether. it was from mango bought during my most boredom time and decided to go on impulsive shopping spree. i am quite dissapointed with the tragedy so i went to Mango this afternoon and bought myself two tops to make it up for the loss. i like them very much and i look good in them. i asked for the smallest size available and i think they fit me well.

i wanted to settle for something else only untill i laid my eyes on this particular shirt. it is white beige in colour and it has this kind of cow boy long sleeve design seams which i think would atrract a lot of eyes. i wanted to buy similar shirt at Levis but the one at Levis only come in red and i already had plenty of red colour tops. i am glad i saw it today and the colour is just nice for me. it comes in two colours, red and beige. i had to settle for the beige but it is nice though and i like it very much. the other top i bought is simple and it comes in light purple with many designs. it's rather outstanding cos i haven't had something like it before. it's a good buy i would say.

i haven't heard from little sister for a week now but i have a strong feeling that she is in the hospital. the last time i spoke to her, she told me the operation is due in two weeks time, and i think it has been two weeks already since i spoke to her. she didn't send me any emails or sms to let me know, but i understand. she was probably too nervous to be operated. who wouldn't be? my late brother cried a day before his operation. i am afraid of operation too especially major and serious ones which has uncertain implications and consequences. it's about one man's life we are talking about.

i have never been hospitalised before and i have never been diagnosed with any serious illnesses. i had been sick but it was always the usual fever, flu or cough. i cannot say that i am healthy but i am grateful for the good health god has given me. when by late brother was diagnosed with brain cancer, i was more stunned and i couldn't help wondering why. i didn't really know what i felt probably because i was too shocked and my ignorance shadowed my fear. i didn't know how serious brain tumor could be until the day when he couldn't walk anymore. he was moving slower and slower day by day. his strength was not progressing at all in fact he was weakening. i didn't ask him why because i was too proud, too fucking proud. his conditions worsened and he became semi paralysed, that's when i know how serious it could be. i started to feel sorry for him. i was sad to know that i would lose him eventually.

mum broke the news to me first. she told me how my brother answered the psychiatrist when asked where did he get his motivations and encouragements from. he told them it's from his siblings which i knew he had lied. he looked at my mum sadly when he said that, trying to hide the truth from a total stranger about how his siblings had been treating him or perhaps he didn't want to embarrass mum infront of the total stranger because i was sure he would have if he had told the truth. from the day when he couldn't walk anymore, i played my part as his sister. i tried to make it up to him by helping him with his basic needs.

i helped cleaned, showered and sometimes put him to bed. he had his fair share of dissapointment over what had happened to him and he threw tantrums at us but i guessed those are common things to be expected from someone who used to be independent and able. it's not easy to accept major changes in your life, let alone facing death when you knew it's coming to you. i miss him so much and i have made a promise to myself that i will not stop praying and read Yassin for him for as long as i live because that's the only way i feel i can make it up to him for all the wrongs i've done to him.

little sister once said to me how she thought her siblings do not care about her and she was so happy when her brother has a match bone marrow with her and is donating his to her. i know how she felt at that time and if only i could be there for her and comfort her i would. you know diary, she is someone with good heart. she is sincere and she always mean well. she's caring and kind. i hope she will have a speedy recovery and will be blessed with a good health always.

all at once...

dear diary, i received an sms from aramis last night. it was short but it showed how she was feeling. it said, 'missing you a lot' i didn't reply her back. i didn't expect her to sms me anymore but she still does. well, i can't stop her anyway and i didn't want to. let it be.

russia called me just now and i couldn't answer the phone as i was in the toilet. she left me a voice message. i didn't think it was her cos the number showed was a local number. i was kinda surprised she called. i returned her call and we spoke for awhile. i miss her but i am afraid. it's crazy. all the people i loved and still love happened to listen to my prayers that i have been missing them so much.

i called ash last night and we chatted for almost 2 hours till i got very sleepy and had to excuse myself. we had lots of fun talking last night. it was not too heavy nor was it too light. it was just perfect. we talked bout her life, my life, aidilfitri, skating and love. you know, ash skates too and i suggested to her to bring her skate with her if she is coming over to singapore. i want to skate with her and i want to show her my tricks. i just sent an email to her, i hope she reads it fast cos she hardly opens her mailbox nowadays. she said it's because she's not getting any emails from anybody and it's all junk mail. she wanted to send me card by post for aidilfitri. i think i am going to send one to her as well.

i feel sorry for her and i am still feeling guilty towards her. i left her for aramis and look what happened now. aramis treats me bad and ash is still around to care. sometimes, she is right infront of us but we just couldn't see. she has suffered a lot and i guess it's all because of me. from a decent person to a wild person. she told me she keeps and album of my photos. whatever pictures of me that she has be it by email or by hand, she will keep them in that album. she will print it out and laminate if it's by email. can you ever imagine that? i have not done such things yet, probably i have not loved someone like how ash loves me. but then again, i do love aramis more than i love myself, well, i guess it's all up to the individual isn't it?

i bought two head scarves and one sandal just now. they were going cheap and i was looking for such head scarves anyway, it is just a coincidence. the sandal is nice and affordable too. it's green and very cute looking. i really need one more pair of sandal anyway. need to tidy up my shoe racks.

i will have to go to JB this saturday for a kenduri. don't know what time i will be going but i am sure they will need my help in preparing the dishes. you know diary, i am going to be selective now to whom i want to render my help. i have learnt my lesson and i am not going to be the Ms Helpful anymore. some people just don't deserve it. i have been very helpful towards many of my relatives when they have some functions and need help but they seem not to return the favour and help i have rendered them when it comes to my functions. we had a kenduri too for my late brother recently and i can hardly see them helping in the kitchen. it's not that i expect them to return the favour when i have helped them but come on diary, this is common sense and needs minimal sensitivity among people. aren't we Malays known for our spirit of togetherness, hospitality and helping each other? i didn't see many of such spirits anymore and so i shall remain selective to whom i want to help.

got to go diary, need to do some ironing...later ok.

disturbing emotions...

dear diary, i cannot deny what i am feeling. it is disturbing to be feeling like this. you try so hard to ignore it but the more you try the more apparent it has become. it is becoming your shadow and follows you wherever you go right into the toilet cubicles and it lies with you in the bed. as much as you wanted to let it go, it still sticks with you till death do you part. every memory you have had with the people you once love and adore are something which you cannot forsake and forget.

it will be in your blood, your dreams and your mind which you cannot seem to break away from. it's too strong like a bond between brothers and sisters. how much severely damaged the family ties are, nothing can ever change the fact that they are flesh and blood. even if you have succeeded to break away, it does not end there. the memories will haunt you and every now and then, you will be encapsulated with the feelings of loneliness and longing to be hold and to be touch by them.

the moments you shared with them start to be playing in your mind, you begin to have flashbacks and you are drowned with regrets. so many questions unanswered, so many dreams shattered, so many hopes crashed, you feel like you are condemned, helpless and hopeless. you feel your heart sinks slowly deeper and deeper like how Titanic sunk into the deep ocean. you feel that you can't breath, you get suffocated with your polluted life. so many waste and so many toxic. you wish that you were back to where love was once all around you, you wish you never sent love away from your life...

hear me...

dear diary, i didn't get to watch THE OC last night instead i went to JB for late night supper with my brother and two of my cousins. i already had my dinner but i still went after my brother talked me into it. you know how much i hate to miss THE OC don't you?

my cousins picked us up at 945 pm and we went straight to JB. we had supper at Singgah Selalu, a popular eating place in JB among singaporeans. almost many guests are singaporeans. it's no surprise since they serve good quality food and have efficient and friendly service as well. i didn't have anything only 2 cups of teh tarik. they ordered one plate of grilled cockles, otah-otah, sirloin steak, nasi pataya and mee rebus special. good food and tasty, i didn't expect the grilled cockles to turn out like what we had last night cos, as far as i know, grilled cockles in KL are served differently. the one we had last night was rather extraordinary. the cockles still in their shells were mixed with some spices and served with banana leave instead of the usual plain cockles with some sambal on the side. i tried their grilled beancurd before yesterday's visit, they were good. i had forgotten to order it last night. i tried the grilled cockles and the otah-otah which taste very delicious. it was a waste i took dinner earlier at home and was still full when i got there. however, it was fun being there with my cousins.

it has been a long time since we went out like that. my siblings are close with these 3 of my cousins. we grew up together and we are of the same age, it's only natural that we got along well. we often travell together and have many gatherings. we have one less person now since my late brother passed away and it's quite sad to go out with the cousins for old time sake having fun and chit chatting only to quietly realised that we are one regular less. i am sure that he would have agreed to come along too if he had still been alive. i pictured of how the situation would be like if he's still around. the cousins didn't talk about him. i guess they probably know it's still an issue which they must not talk about. it has not been a 100 days since he is gone. the loss is still being felt and he is deeply missed by all of us. we hardly talk about it, perhaps we are afraid that each one of us might broke down and cry if the topic is open. i know that my mum is missing him a lot but she is still going on strong. i know she is a strong woman with principles she will not compromise unless necessary. you know diary, i am still having some difficulty getting over his death. i often have flashbacks of him days beofre his death.

i still could not believe that he's gone. there is an anger inside me that i am still holding on to. i don't know how to let it go. the anger is towards me and i know i am ashamed of myself. i ask to myself why but i came up with so many different answers. he's the chosen one, that's what i often told myself. it helps to lighten my sense of guilt. i want to hold him diary, i want to feel his skin. i want to hug him and i want to take all his pains away. but he left so soon without giving me the chance and believe me, if i could do a miracle, i would turn back the time to the days when we were young so that i can appreciate the time i spent with him, so that i can bring myself to respect him more, so that i can treat him better, so that i will fight and quarell less with him and most importantly so that i can tell him how much we quarell or how much we fight, he is still my brother and nothing can ever change that and i love him no matter what he did and no matter what i said. minutes before he left, i whispered at his ear, i told him that i have forgiven him for all his wrongs and i seeked for his forgiveness for the wrongs i have done to him and i managed to whisper that i love him. he kept quiet, he couldn't talk anymore and i wanted so much to know how he felt at that time. he was looking at the ceiling and he was panting lightly for his breath, he made some sound, like a very light groan. i knew at times he tried to speak, but the words just wouldn't come out.

'mengucap nak...' i heard my parents told him. i can only watch in despair, too shock to even hold his hands. mum told me to pray and i rushed to cleansed myself. i prayed to God that if it's time for him to go, please make the process smooth and easy for him and please take him as a Muslim with faith. my tears were flowing down my cheeks like the stream with endless flow of water. it never stops. 'angah nak pergi, angah pergilah nak, mak restukan angah pergi, kita jumpa kat syurga nanti tau nak...' i heard mum said. she said it with so much sorrow that it would bring tears to any lame men who hears it. i stood across his bed thinking that this was all a dream. he was gone only seconds after mum said those words. i saw everybody cried, nobody tried to hold back their tears anymore. i felt it in my heart then that i will be going to miss him dearly...