dear diary, i burnt my shirt last night while ironing, luckily it wasn't my favourite shirt but i quite like the design. i only wear it 4 times altogether. it was from mango bought during my most boredom time and decided to go on impulsive shopping spree. i am quite dissapointed with the tragedy so i went to Mango this afternoon and bought myself two tops to make it up for the loss. i like them very much and i look good in them. i asked for the smallest size available and i think they fit me well.
i wanted to settle for something else only untill i laid my eyes on this particular shirt. it is white beige in colour and it has this kind of cow boy long sleeve design seams which i think would atrract a lot of eyes. i wanted to buy similar shirt at Levis but the one at Levis only come in red and i already had plenty of red colour tops. i am glad i saw it today and the colour is just nice for me. it comes in two colours, red and beige. i had to settle for the beige but it is nice though and i like it very much. the other top i bought is simple and it comes in light purple with many designs. it's rather outstanding cos i haven't had something like it before. it's a good buy i would say.
i haven't heard from little sister for a week now but i have a strong feeling that she is in the hospital. the last time i spoke to her, she told me the operation is due in two weeks time, and i think it has been two weeks already since i spoke to her. she didn't send me any emails or sms to let me know, but i understand. she was probably too nervous to be operated. who wouldn't be? my late brother cried a day before his operation. i am afraid of operation too especially major and serious ones which has uncertain implications and consequences. it's about one man's life we are talking about.
i have never been hospitalised before and i have never been diagnosed with any serious illnesses. i had been sick but it was always the usual fever, flu or cough. i cannot say that i am healthy but i am grateful for the good health god has given me. when by late brother was diagnosed with brain cancer, i was more stunned and i couldn't help wondering why. i didn't really know what i felt probably because i was too shocked and my ignorance shadowed my fear. i didn't know how serious brain tumor could be until the day when he couldn't walk anymore. he was moving slower and slower day by day. his strength was not progressing at all in fact he was weakening. i didn't ask him why because i was too proud, too fucking proud. his conditions worsened and he became semi paralysed, that's when i know how serious it could be. i started to feel sorry for him. i was sad to know that i would lose him eventually.
mum broke the news to me first. she told me how my brother answered the psychiatrist when asked where did he get his motivations and encouragements from. he told them it's from his siblings which i knew he had lied. he looked at my mum sadly when he said that, trying to hide the truth from a total stranger about how his siblings had been treating him or perhaps he didn't want to embarrass mum infront of the total stranger because i was sure he would have if he had told the truth. from the day when he couldn't walk anymore, i played my part as his sister. i tried to make it up to him by helping him with his basic needs.
i helped cleaned, showered and sometimes put him to bed. he had his fair share of dissapointment over what had happened to him and he threw tantrums at us but i guessed those are common things to be expected from someone who used to be independent and able. it's not easy to accept major changes in your life, let alone facing death when you knew it's coming to you. i miss him so much and i have made a promise to myself that i will not stop praying and read Yassin for him for as long as i live because that's the only way i feel i can make it up to him for all the wrongs i've done to him.
little sister once said to me how she thought her siblings do not care about her and she was so happy when her brother has a match bone marrow with her and is donating his to her. i know how she felt at that time and if only i could be there for her and comfort her i would. you know diary, she is someone with good heart. she is sincere and she always mean well. she's caring and kind. i hope she will have a speedy recovery and will be blessed with a good health always.
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