dear diary, i got into IRC last night out of boredom and saw pumpkin. i chatted for 5 minutes with her and she logged out. i never had this feeling with chatter before you know. i always have something to talk about, something to chat about, but nowadays, i always run out of topics to discuss. i have become very quiet and extremely laid back. i just hope i am not turning into a lazy good for nothing piece of shit. but then again, maybe it is just with pumpkin. when i got to know her, i wasn't trying to woo or to impress her that much. we got to know each other casually. none of us had any intentions of looking for that someone to fill up the space in our life. furthermore, whenever i communicate with her, i feel that pumpkin and i have unwritten mutual agreement not to talk about relationships and romance.
even during the times i met her, it was just simple casual fun talk about ourselves. our conversations are always restricted to mature adult talks which don't involve intimacy. i am not quite sure why. honestly, i find it rather boring but i still want to get to know her more. i know there are lots about her which i haven't know. you know diary, when i met her, i wanted to hug her, cos she looks adorable. i just want to feel her meat pressed against my body. you know, it's nothing like sexual fantasies, i am not a sex maniac but i just want to hug a 'wholesome' person. you get what i mean? she's shorter than me, and she's fleshy and she looks adorable and her appearance is very inviting to hugs and kisses.
well never mind, i know we are still going to keep in touch, there's always a time for me to get up close and personal with her. she kissed me on my cheeks virtually last night before turning in to bed. i kissed her back. it's so funny, don't know if we are able to do that for real. i miss her company sometimes. she invited me over to her house on Syawal. i am not sure if i can make it. but i would really love to meet her again. i just want to spend quality time with her in person without anyone else. she brought her sister on our first date, so it's quite awkward with less privacy.
oh yes, talking about women, aramis texted me last night. i was contemplating on whether or not to reply which eventually i did. we exchanged news having her doing most of the talking instead of me. it's totally the opposite now. i am playing safe and i am holding back whatever feelings i have for her. she told me she misses me very much. i didn't say anything to that. i don't know what to say anymore everytime she said that to me. i answered her with extremely short simple answers. i didn't elaborate on my answers like i usually did. i didn't do it on purpose nor do i think it was payback time, it just happened and then i knew that i am treating her on a different level now and i assumed she knows it too.
a man got to do what a man got to do. i still love her but i will not commit anymore only until i am assured it's going to work. i hope she will take good care of herself because deep down inside my heart i still have a soft spot for her and i know it will remain there till i die cos she is one of those few who have left footprints in my life and holds the key to my heart. what happens in the future is not for me to decide, but i hope she will be a part of me in my life journey. i miss you very much aramis and i love you so much, it's undeniable...got to go diary, talk to you later. take care.
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