Dear diary, I broke fast with my dad last night. Mum didn't cook cos she had night class so dad bought take away. He bought plenty of food till I had to tell him to watch his buying habit. He is always like that when it comes to Ramadan. He has a big family and so there will be many varieties of food served on the table. He got used to it so much that he carried the habit with him after marriage. It?s bad because we don't have big family like him and we have less people at home now since my brother's death, there isn't anyone who can finish up all the food he bought. I tidied the kitchen after that it was a big mess. We are having some contractors coming in tomorrow morning to change the kitchen windows. It?s about time to change it anyway, the government has issued a memorandum to all owners to change the windows to safe approved ones cos there have been many cases of windowpanes falling mostly due to wear and tear. Some of the cases were fatal.
I watched THE OC last night at the hall. I was interrupted when my brother came home. He bought some furniture from IKEA and I ended up helping him to carry it to his room. He's taking over the room previously belonged to my late second brother. I went to bed early last night after THE OC and I was woken up by loud bang at home. It was my brother. He was fixing his new furniture and he did some hammering. I couldn't believe it because it was 1 in the morning. I went to his room and told him off. He continued hammering, and then it was mum's turn and I took the opportunity to vent out my anger and yelled at him to shut the fuck up before he wakes up the whole neighbourhood. It was unbelievable. It's so thoughtless of him. My brother can be uninhibited most of the times and it creates inconveniences to others. I wonder what was he thinking at that time. It's not like he's retarded or autistic, he is an ordinary man with the capability to think. He is rushing to get the room ready before shawal and I guessed he overlooked the time.
My youngest brother has not called or visited us at home. It's always like that with him. He only visits and calls home when he is in need of help. He?s not that detach nor attach to us. I can understand that since he was brought up my by relatives on dad's side. I wonder how would it be if he had stayed with us. Would it make any difference? Up till today I still detest what has been done. I am angry sometimes but I don't know to whom should I let it out. According to mum, it was my grandfather's wish before he died. It was written in his will that my youngest brother was to live with my grandmother. He wrote the will without even taking into consideration what my mum would feel having her son taken away from her without her approval. I am so angry till today that I have this deep feelings of hatred towards my dad's relatives. A son was taken away from her and now a son has left her for a bigger world. She has lost 2 sons in her life. All that she is left with are my eldest brother, my dad and myself. What they did to her was unfair. Of course my dad was fine with the decision because it was his family.
I am sure that he would reject fully to the idea if it were my mum's relatives who wanted to take my brother away but I knew my mum's relatives are not heartless and insensitive like my dad's. I never like dad's relatives. I never respect them. They have always been selective of which niece and nephew to love. It?s like buying shushis, where you pick and choose. I knew what they think of us when we were young. We were ridiculed, we were badmouthed, we were hated, we were cast away, damn those people. If I had a gun, I would have shot them one by one. Bloody pricks! My second late brother was the one grandma hated the most. He was naughty when he was a child and she couldn't stand him. She often said openly how she hated him. I was young at that time, I knew what was being said, I knew what was being told but I was not brought up to be rude to the elders. I kept quiet not defending my brother. None of us were the favourites among the aunties and uncles. We didn't want to anyway. My youngest brother was the favourite among them.
He was praised, he was loved, he was showered with gifts, he was treated like a king and it is all because my grandmother took care of him so he was considered as one of them, never mind who his biological parents were. We were not treated like him because to them we were different. I swear to god if they ever treated us the same now like how they treated us then, I would give each and every one of them a tongue bashing they will never forget in their entire life, after that I will give a spit at their ugly faces. Not all of them are bad of course. I am just angry diary, most of them hated my mother so much that they not only ignored and looked down on her but they ill talk about her parents as well. What did her parents ever do to them? They think that they are of higher status than my mum; they think they are of a better race than my mum. It?s a shame really it is. They are all living in their past glories. I better stop now diary, talking about them makes me tense.
I think I have to go watch Serena shower tomorrow. I am not sure if my brother had made an arrangement with the breeder. We are supposed to watch how Serena baths so that we will learn how to bath her when she comes live with us. I have bathed many cats before but I guess this time I will learn the proper technique. She is so cute; I think she has grown bigger if I am going to see her tomorrow. Rag dolls grow fast and they can be quite playful. Serena loves to bite, I chose her because she was the only kitten that bit my hand when I wriggled my finger infront of her. Gosh, her blue eyes are so beautiful her white fur is fluffy. I can't wait to bring her home but I have to wait till it's 15th of November as she will be 3 months old by then. I think Serena suits her cos she's pretty and Serena is a pretty name too. I gave her a second name as well. Serena is the first name and I hope my dad can pronounce her name easily. Dad always has difficulty in pronounciations. He?s cute like a humpty dumpty. Big fat belly and bald. I poke his stomach sometimes teasing him. My late brother would join me too.
It was fun last time but now, I feel that I have lost more than just a brother. The good times we shared together growing up under one roof. I teased him and how he teased me back. Growing up with my brothers made me become rough and tough. I love rugged activities and sports, which few girls take up. I was the school sprinter in my primary school and almost got selected to represent the national team; I played netball in secondary school and was selected to be in the school team when I back out just because I hate the coach. I admit that I was stupid but I was 13 years old and full of anger, besides she happened to be my geography teacher who always picked on me. I got involved in mountaineering in my early youth and I climbed most of the popular mountains in Malaysia. I canoed from island to island and I skate from one residential area to another. I prefer to be rugged than lady like but yet feminine. There are many privileges when you are a woman and I don't wish to lose them. I just want to be myself without having to lose my originality, you know that I have always believe in originality because originality never goes out of style.
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