hear me...

dear diary, i didn't get to watch THE OC last night instead i went to JB for late night supper with my brother and two of my cousins. i already had my dinner but i still went after my brother talked me into it. you know how much i hate to miss THE OC don't you?

my cousins picked us up at 945 pm and we went straight to JB. we had supper at Singgah Selalu, a popular eating place in JB among singaporeans. almost many guests are singaporeans. it's no surprise since they serve good quality food and have efficient and friendly service as well. i didn't have anything only 2 cups of teh tarik. they ordered one plate of grilled cockles, otah-otah, sirloin steak, nasi pataya and mee rebus special. good food and tasty, i didn't expect the grilled cockles to turn out like what we had last night cos, as far as i know, grilled cockles in KL are served differently. the one we had last night was rather extraordinary. the cockles still in their shells were mixed with some spices and served with banana leave instead of the usual plain cockles with some sambal on the side. i tried their grilled beancurd before yesterday's visit, they were good. i had forgotten to order it last night. i tried the grilled cockles and the otah-otah which taste very delicious. it was a waste i took dinner earlier at home and was still full when i got there. however, it was fun being there with my cousins.

it has been a long time since we went out like that. my siblings are close with these 3 of my cousins. we grew up together and we are of the same age, it's only natural that we got along well. we often travell together and have many gatherings. we have one less person now since my late brother passed away and it's quite sad to go out with the cousins for old time sake having fun and chit chatting only to quietly realised that we are one regular less. i am sure that he would have agreed to come along too if he had still been alive. i pictured of how the situation would be like if he's still around. the cousins didn't talk about him. i guess they probably know it's still an issue which they must not talk about. it has not been a 100 days since he is gone. the loss is still being felt and he is deeply missed by all of us. we hardly talk about it, perhaps we are afraid that each one of us might broke down and cry if the topic is open. i know that my mum is missing him a lot but she is still going on strong. i know she is a strong woman with principles she will not compromise unless necessary. you know diary, i am still having some difficulty getting over his death. i often have flashbacks of him days beofre his death.

i still could not believe that he's gone. there is an anger inside me that i am still holding on to. i don't know how to let it go. the anger is towards me and i know i am ashamed of myself. i ask to myself why but i came up with so many different answers. he's the chosen one, that's what i often told myself. it helps to lighten my sense of guilt. i want to hold him diary, i want to feel his skin. i want to hug him and i want to take all his pains away. but he left so soon without giving me the chance and believe me, if i could do a miracle, i would turn back the time to the days when we were young so that i can appreciate the time i spent with him, so that i can bring myself to respect him more, so that i can treat him better, so that i will fight and quarell less with him and most importantly so that i can tell him how much we quarell or how much we fight, he is still my brother and nothing can ever change that and i love him no matter what he did and no matter what i said. minutes before he left, i whispered at his ear, i told him that i have forgiven him for all his wrongs and i seeked for his forgiveness for the wrongs i have done to him and i managed to whisper that i love him. he kept quiet, he couldn't talk anymore and i wanted so much to know how he felt at that time. he was looking at the ceiling and he was panting lightly for his breath, he made some sound, like a very light groan. i knew at times he tried to speak, but the words just wouldn't come out.

'mengucap nak...' i heard my parents told him. i can only watch in despair, too shock to even hold his hands. mum told me to pray and i rushed to cleansed myself. i prayed to God that if it's time for him to go, please make the process smooth and easy for him and please take him as a Muslim with faith. my tears were flowing down my cheeks like the stream with endless flow of water. it never stops. 'angah nak pergi, angah pergilah nak, mak restukan angah pergi, kita jumpa kat syurga nanti tau nak...' i heard mum said. she said it with so much sorrow that it would bring tears to any lame men who hears it. i stood across his bed thinking that this was all a dream. he was gone only seconds after mum said those words. i saw everybody cried, nobody tried to hold back their tears anymore. i felt it in my heart then that i will be going to miss him dearly...