Productivity In The Midst of Healing

Dear Diary,

How are you? Ask me how I am now and I will tell you that I am feeling sick. I am sick from things around me. I am sick with the headache in my head. I am sick feeling nauseous. I think I am just mentally tired. It has been a very tough 3 days in a row. Have you ever felt this way Diary? You have this big dissatisfaction in you that you don't know how to let it go.

The more you try to brush it away, the more it bothers you. You try to keep your cool and be oblivious as you can but it gets to you somehow. It always find ways how to get inside you and disturb that peaceful mind of yours, turning it haywire putting things all over the place. It makes you feel that you are not good enough and you are lacking a lot. That is how I feel now Diary.

I checked my transactions with my company and it was on 25th of June. That was the room rental case I handled remember? It has been over a month now and I am not closing any deals. Now I probably see the reaons why my Manager says I am slow. And I have realised now that I am, and as though that does not suffice, I would like to add that I am also as blur as a sotong.

Checking my last transacted deal opened up my eyes and I see with better clarity now that if I do not fill up my time with productive activities everyday, I might as well quit. To defend myself, I would say that I work everyday, but previously I did not have a work schedule, I did not have motivational little self-made posters on my walls and I also did not have my short and long term goals pasted on the walls. Now I do. I also have this 'Things To Do' application on my iPhone which I use to record every nitty gritty things that I have to do related to work.

Every night before I go to sleep, I would plan my schedule. When I wake up the next morning, I will read out loud my prayer and the motivational posters I have on my wall. I will then check my list of things to do and my work schedule. I am proud to say that I am beginning to discipline myself and become more organised in my work. I have learnt how to prioritise my clients and be versatile. Most importantly I have manage to multitask instead of doing one thing at a time. I have realised the need to be fast and quick and how every seconds count. And most significantly, I have come to know that not all what my Manager taught and said is right.  

A few things happened while I was making viewing arrangements for Vivian. Vivian is the owner for the unit I have to lease. I swear that I will never repeat the same mistake again. If I could have been more sharp, I am pretty sure that I can close this deal earlier. However, just about now I have realised that I have forgotten one very important thing to do before anything else; to check the ownership of the unit. Oh Diary, I am seriously learning a lot of things now. I am beginning to enjoy it even after much frustrations for failed appointments. Well, at least I get to learn something and now I know what are the most important things to do first before I get all excited for having a whole unit as my listing - check the ownership of the unit first before anything else!!

You know Diary, with all these viewing arrangements and checking I have to make, it is making me busy and stressful with work. It is good so I can put my mind into a more productive phase instead of harping over something or someone which and who is long gone from my life. My life now revolves around my family and work. I can say that I have no social life now. Yes, it is sure going to be fruitful over the long run but I am not sure if it is going to be healthy for my mind and heart because I know I am still missing her. I am still missing that hope I used to have with her. She has always been the one I turned to in times of my adversities but I do not have the privilege sharing with her anymore. I know that I have lost all rights to even tell her what I had for lunch today or what I did today. There will not be anymore jokes or playful teasings with her because she is not here anymore. 

I have come to terms with the truths and I am returning to reality now. It hurts so much that I feel so weak just thinking about it. I read somewhere that says, alone does not mean lonely and the simple truth about life is, not everybody is going to be there for us. We were always born alone and we will eventually die alone too. 

Stay with me Diary. You are my one and only friend now.   

Screw Me!!

Dear Diary,

I just got back from a viewing appointment. It was for Madam Tan. No deal but we are progressing. I know. Now she is keeping her options open. The appointment was at 8pm but we delayed it to 845pm. I was supposed to have 3 appointments today but all of them were cancelled. They were all for my rental unit. I did a couple of mistakes arranging the viewing. Diary, I am feeling a bit demoralized now. I know why but I am just too tired to tell.

It seriously is not easy to be an agent. With all the appointments you have to arrange and having to cancel the appointments after having high hopes to close the deals. The thing is, agents act as middleman between seller and buyer. Most of the times, seller and buyer have different agents servicing them. So agents representing buyer have to make arrangements with agents representing seller for viewing appointments. When that is done, the respective agents have to wait for the buyer and seller to agree on the time and date. It is like, we have to wait for answers from at least 2 parties before we can set up an appointment. Yes, sounds easy but it is not. 

For newbies like me, we get all excited when we manage to arrange for viewing but we get all so demoralized when the appointment is cancelled. Everything is new to me, and to overcome dissapointments of having my appointments cancelled is like having girlfriend leaving me. Yes, honest to God. 

I came home and I was refilling my name cards in my wallet when I recalled how excited I was when I gave 2 pieces of my name cards to Flying Babe in one of my letters. She said I look so professional in the pictures. And now, I feel a sudden pain in my heart. I won't be sharing anymore stories with her now. I wish, I never had known her...hmmm...I hate what I am feeling now. I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!   

I Am Picking Up The Pace

Dear Diary,

My right feet has blisters on it and it almost killed me when I was walking to my office this evening. You know, as soon as I left my home I felt the pain because I was wearing the same heels that gave me the blisters. I wanted to go back and changed to other pair of shoes but I knew I was going to be late if I did that and so I did not. I persevered and tried to bear with the pain but the pain was too much for me when I got to the MRT station. I bought 2 pieces of plasters and fixed the blisters right there and then.

I walked some more and it felt a bit better although the pain still exist even after 2 layers of plasters on the blister. I shouldn't have worn the new heels. I knew that but you know how stubborn I can be don't you? I wanted to match my clothes with the shoes I wore and so that was what I deserved. Screw me! I got to my office just in time for the training and guess what Diary? I went to the wrong training room. The room was crowded and every seats was taken and I kind of felt embarassed to walk out of the room limping. Yes, I was almost limping because of the blister. Damn!

And so I stayed in the room hoping that somehow, the trainer stopped for toilet break so I could just dashed out of the room. I think God might have heard my prayer and the trainer stopped for awhile to get something and I saw my chance to leave the room so I did. I went to look for the right training room for my division and when I have found it, there were no more seats left for me. I did not want to grab a chair from other rooms as I knew I would be the center of attention and you know how I hate to be one especially when I was late. So I decided to forgo this training and went home. After all the walking with a blistered feet!!

I have posted advertisements for the whole unit for rent online and I got a couple of phone calls from agents making enquiries on it. I have decided to rent it at $2k and will have to be fast on making appointments for viewing. I have one potential viewing appointments. Let's pray it will go through ok? On my way to the office, I checked my mail and I got an email from a woman who wants to lease one of her common room. I replied her email instantaneously. I am beginning to believe that as an agent you really do need a good smart phone that allows you to work while you are on the move. It is good to have one.

Being an agent, your most precious working tools are most likely your mobile phones and a laptop. My laptop is almost going bonkers but I still have my iPhone and at least I can do a bit from it especially when I use a lot of online marketing techniques to advertise my listings and to do my research. I am going to send my netbook for repair and upgrading (if it is compatible). I have checked with the technician already and I need to close one deal first before I can do that. Please Allah, hear my prayers.

Oh Diary, I haven't told you that I will be marketing my own house to sell have I? I have cancelled my sale transaction with my current buyers because they cannot come up with the money to buy. There are a lot of hassles to cancel and I have to pay a lot of miscellaneous fees which is really pissing me off. But I am not losing my temper yet. I just take this as something positive because in this case, I can save a lot on agent's commission. Since I am already a qualified agent, I do not need to engage another agent to sell my house. And I also do not need the service of an agent to look for a new house. All in all, I can save about $10k in agents commission alone. Yeah Diary...it is true. If I were to engage the service of an agent to sell my house, I have to pay him 2% of commission out of my selling price which can fetch about $7.8k and another 1% of commission to look for a house for me which can reach up to $3k. So now you know why agents always seem to be cash rich, right?

Well, that's how we earn and that is merely for HDB sell and buy transactions. We have not talk about private properties yet which cost $900k and above over here. Good money isn't it Diary? Well, I have not been there yet but I hope I will someday. My focus now is to do HDB first. 80% of Singaporeans live in HDB flats and most of them are common people. I like to deal with common people first because they and I, we have something in common. Private properties markets are mostly for the senior agents and for the rich and famous. I still do not have the confidence yet to deal with those class of people, I do not want to make a fool of myself. Let's just start humbly first ok.

Oh well Diary, I got to go. I need to sleep. Tomorrow is a long day for me. I am waking up at 7 remember? The early bird catches the worm and I wanna be the early bird. So, good night Diary. May warmth embraces you in this cold cold night...   

With or Without Her...

Dear Diary,

I finally get the chance to be with you tonight after so many frustrating nights of nonresponsive laptop. I missed you Diary. There were so much to share with you but the laptop has not been kind to me lately. The Internet Explorer got so slow and became nonresponsive. I got impatient and I threw it on the floor but it still worked after that. Well, it was not that strong of a force also and I threw this laptop from my stool which is about 50 centimeters high from the floor. 

I got so pissed at it. I just couldn't control it. But then again, I think I have always been impatient with gadgets that just wouldn't perform at its best. I smashed my handphone once, I broke my wireless mouse once, I hit my laptop so many times with my fist and now I threw it on the floor. Well, what can I say? It gives me the satisfaction and at least that helps my anger. Call me anything you want but I know I am not the only one doing it. 

Diary, I have come up with a work schedule for me to follow. I have drawn it on a piece of paper and I have pasted it on the wall. I see it everyday nowadays and ignoring it makes me feel uneasy and awkward. I have been doing it diligently. I read somewhere that I need to have directions, actions and perseverance to be successful. I am not lazy you know. I am just a little lost and confused. I am fixing my broken heart and at the same time struggling to make ends meet. No, I am not saying that life is tough. I am just stating a fact that it takes sometime for people to get back up again after a hard fall. Do you get what I mean Diary? 

I have 4 pieces of A4 papers stuck on my wall. One of them says, "Work hard from now and never give up. Imagine yourself in 5 years time!! I can do it!" and another one that says "31st August, 1) 5 room rental deals, 2) 60 blocks of farming, 3) 10 viewings, 4) $2k commission" and another says, "Wakes up at 7am everyday!! Early bird catches the worm!!".

I read them everyday. I have sort of made them my pledge where I will read each and everyone of them first every morning even before I brush my teeth. While I read them, I whisper a silent prayer to God that I am doing this for my parents. I do not have anybody else except for my family. Flying Babe is gone now and honestly, there is nothing to look forward to anymore in Subang Jaya. Don't misunderstood me Diary, going back to Subang Jaya has always been in my agenda but this time, I will do it for myself, my parents and family. With or without her, or anybody else for that matters, I will still come back.

I had a call last Friday from a woman who asked about the procedures of flat rental. She is going to rent her whole unit. I made an appointment with her and came by to find out what are her preferences. My manager came along and I watched how he did the presentation. I got some tips here and there and I think I can do it alone in the future. All I need is a good vast knowledge of the relevant procedures the clients are seeking advice on and a big confidence.

They did not want to give me the exclusivity but it is okay Diary, all I have to do now is to market her unit aggressively and get tenants for her as fast as possible. That's how efficient agents are. Exclusive or no exclusive, if you have the right tenants for your clients, you still earn. Exclusivity only gives you the right to be the sole marketing agent for that unit and stops any other agents from marketing it for the owners. Agents usually hope to get exclusivity from owners who wants to sell or rent a whole unit of a property because the commissions are bigger and better but I do not mind for now. I need the practice and exposure.

My Manager had some good words for me. I supposed he can see now the effort and hard work I have been putting into this. Honestly Diary, I know I have not been fast but I have not been slow either. I am just a late bloomer you know. I know myself.

I am going to work hard Diary. There is nothing else to do now except to work. Love is not in the air anymore so it is time to focus. It still hurts a bit but I am moving on little by little. At least now I know my love for her was strong than her love for me. But, that's okay isn't it Diary? Love is everywhere, if I am just lucky enough, I might have something better in store for me right? Oh well, never mind...somewhere out there, over the rainbow and across the oceans...she's there.

Mariah Carey - When You Believe + Lyrics

The Miracles In Believe...

Dear Diary,

I am so tired now that I can fall asleep in a second if I lay my head down on my pillow. However, I believe I must write what happened today so I have a record of my progress in my career.  I had a viewing appointment tonight in Sembawang for Mdm Tan and how I am so glad that I could meet her personally. I did not have high hopes for her to buy the unit even though it was within her budget. I was looking forward to meet her personally so I could have an unofficial chit chat session to study what she really wants out of her desire to upgrade into a bigger flat.

I did not really feel confident that I can fix a viewing appointment with her tonight. As I was doing my research, I came across a flat in Sembawang that matched her budget and criteria. She seemed ok with it and I proceeded to arrange for the viewing. We went to view the house together and I kind of knew she would change her mind. After viewing the house, she told me now that she would still prefer Yishun than Sembawang. I do not mind at all. For all I know at least now I have met her and I can really study her intentions. She is not in a hurry to buy and she is fickle minded. The truth is, she does not really know what she wants.

I talked a lot to her when I met her. I guessed that will be my only opportunity to study her and educate her on what she really needs to know about buying a house. She seems gullible about the process but I knew it is my duty to advise her. It is clear now that she has changed her mind about the location and so, it is really a blessing that I got to meet her tonight. I know what she really wants now and it is even easier for me to find a house for her in Yishun with her budget.

When I met her, I was kind of surprise because I expected her to be old. Well, she introduced herself as Madam Tan to me and since I was young, whenever I had to call my teacher Madam "something", my teachers always have to be old. Since then I always associate old women with the status ''Madam". I supposed she is in her late thirties and has lived in Singapore for 12 years. Her hometown is in Segamat nd I taalked to her about Tangkak and how I often go there to spend my weekend. At least I have something with her in common and so I can make her feel comfortable with me.

She seemed ok and I honestly feel comfortable serving her even though she is fickle minded and has no idea of the processes involved in buying and selling a house. She told me that I look young and prettier in person than in my name card. I almost choked laughing at her comments. Well Diary, at least now I know some people think I look old and ugly in my name cards. What am I feeling now..."perasan" maybe....Come on Diary, you know and I know those are just a figure of speech. Let it rest now.

I am going to focus now. You know I have been doing lots of thinking about my career. At least Mdm Tan gave me some hope that I will make it in this industry because I look prettier in person than in my name cards!! *Chuckles* That was a joke Diary! Don't you freaking dare think for a second that I am in the "syiok sendiri" mode. I have to say something to motivate myself.  Ok Ok...let's get serious now. At least with tonight's viewing, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can only see it clearly if I manage to reach the end of it and I know I will. It will happen when you believe right? Just about 10 mins ago, someone posted something about believing in something to achieve what we desire in Facebook, which is most likely to be success.

Yeah, I can see the meaning with better clarity now. Napoleon Hill once said, what the mind can conceive, it can achieve. I chose to believe because some things have to be believed to be seen. If I believe I can, I can. If I believe I can't, well then, I surely can't. Be with me Diary, I need you by my side. 

Michael Buble` - Home **with Lyrics** (VERY BEAUTIFUL)

I Am Home...

Dear Diary,

I think it has been a day that I have not written but it seems like forever. I spent my time mostly thinking about things around me that has happened for the past week. There are not many good news that I can share with you instead there are many bad news. They are not the kind of bad news that bring tears to my eyes nor will leave me in deep depression. However, they are the kind of bad news that I am sure will definitely happen in everyone's life. They complete our lives and without them, we wouldn't be a more stronger person than we already are.

I have not managed to close any deals neither have I managed to bring any of my clients for viewing. I have not been actively farming neither have I been doing the mix and match of the leads diligently. I supposed that explains why I haven't been able to close any deals. Like my Manager said, this industry is for the quick, fast and furious. If I am neither one of those, I will lose out eventually.

I have been doing my work but I guess my problem is, I have not come out with a proper system for myself. I still do not know how to multitask and prioritise. In a Singaporean term, I am still blur like a Sotong. I know I want to speacialise in HDB residential be it sale or rent but there is no proper system for me to follow. I went to meet my Manager when I closed my first deal and he taught me about creating database with MS Excel. I could but my netbook is broken and my laptop is days away from broken too I supposed. I need a new laptop Diary. My netbook has been attacked by virus, thanks to the prohibited websites I frequent (you have to know it is not my hobby, but who hasn't nowadays?). And you know my laptop is almost 6 years old. I tell you Diary, it will soon be dead too.

Nevertheless, I went to buy some writing pad and files for me to organise my work. I am slowly creating a system for myself to work and I think I will now not become too lost or blur like a Sotong if I just manage to follow the system. I have now a couple of new files, an organizer and of course my new iPhone for me to start with. I haven't told you have I? I bought the iPhone on the last day of its promotion. I need a smart phone for my work Diary, signing under a corporate account, I got it at SGD$0 dollars and I got a couple of goodies for free!!

That's a good thing of being in a corporate world however, I had to sign a 2 years contract with the operator. My monthly subscriptions got slashed by 20% and I got the extra services such as roaming, voicemail, caller ID, live traffic updates for free for 2 years. *Grins* I paid nothing for that iPhone and I believe I can never get such offer in Malaysia. I am blessed Diary. Let's just make it into good use shall we? I will plan and strategise my work more professionally nowadays and learn how to prioritise my clients. Be with me Diary. I need you by my side.

Oh Diary, Flying Babe is out of my life now. She has found someone new that I supposed is better than I am. *Grins* Well, I am happy for her but I did not reply to her text neither have I written to her anything. I do not know if I ever write to her again in the future but at the moment, I chose not to. I am not angry with her but I supposed, I want to leave her alone for now. It has sunk in now. It is time for me to move on and do what I am supposed to do to carry on with my life. Someone in Facebook posted this, "In love, you have to love one another, but if she does not love you anymore, then you must love another one". *Grins* Nevermind, let's not talk about love first shall we, we will just stay focus to building my career here at home.

I am hurt Diary and I have not achieved what I really want here in Singapore. I know it all takes time and I have to be patient. Like the friend without a face says, no matter what happen I must keep on doing it, InsyaAllah one day!! She is right. I believe her. Simple truth about starting all over again is to keep on doing it without giving up because behind every dark clouds, there is a silver lining.

No matter what happens, I am home with my family and I am safe. I know that. Home is not where you live but where they understand you. A place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve; it is life's undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room. I would say that peace is the other name for home. Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts, where we grow up wanting to leave and grow old wanting to get back to. Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in. It is good to be home Diary.

Westlife - Queen Of My Heart (With Lyrics)

Goodbye Queen Of My Heart...

Dear Diary,


Allow me to write a letter to Flying Babe...

Dearest Hanni,

I have waited so long for you to give me the answer. For all the time that I have spent waiting, my heart longed for you that days and nights seemed indifferent. I was not able to bring myself to like or to love someone else because my love for you is strong until I got afraid of it. I have loved you and I love you still and I don't know how long it will stay in my heart. You are always in my mind that you appeared in my dreams too often that every night before I closed my eyes to sleep, I hope silently that you will walk into my dreams again to ease this long I have for you.

They are just dreams Hanni, but they made me smile and gave me a glimpse of happiness that I have been missing. People may think that I am a dreamer but I know I am not the only one. If I can let you know how hopeful I have been, you might think that I am crazy or hoping for something that I can never achieved. People expect me to move on but how can I when I am still in love with you? It hurts to love like this. I cannot turn back the time and I cannot force you to take me back.

Everytime I write to you, I never fail to feel this heavy burden of regret. I write stories to you imagining as though you were mine. Whatever I felt, I think of you first to share it with. The slightest excitement or a sprinkle of sadness that acts as confetti to my life, I want you to know. Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.We both know that I was just hoping against hope. There is a silent dream in my soul that I can have you back and feel the love enveloped me once again. I miss you and everything that we have done together. I felt it shelter to speak to you.

Words just cannot explain and the heart is too shy to speak. I have hoped that you would welcome me back to Subang if I come back. I have hoped that we could start a family when I am well. The hopes remain but I have lost them now. I am remembering how I felt when I first saw you. And I am ashamed of myself.

All those doubts, they are answered now. I took the news like a real woman. My heart fell apart but I know there is nothing that I can do. If only I can hold my heart in my hands and protect it from the pain. If only love was not too difficult to fathom. Forgive me for not loving you enough when we were one, forgive me for not giving you more compliments when I have you in my arms, forgive me for pushing you away when I should have wrapped you in my love. I have failed you Hanni and my time is up.

I still have your photos in my wallet. There are many times when I took them out only to put them back in again. I still carry the little teddy bear you gave me wherever I go. It gives me some kind of encouragements when I think that the world is falling on me because I always believe you will be there for me. I have this thought that when everyone is against me, you would stand infront of me to shield me away from them. Would you Hanni?

I am nothing but a broken woman now. My heart is broken and it feels like every other part of my body is broken too. I have always thought you would wait for me but I have forgotten that I took too long. I lost track of the time and I left your feelings unattended. I wonder who she is when I read your text. I have always imagined how and what I would feel if you have found someone new. I do now and here I am all alone mending my broken hollow heart. I did not know how to react when I got your message. All I felt was a sudden feel of pain to my heart that is beyond descriptions. I am grieving and I am sad. I have realised that I am unworthy of your love now.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. I don't know if I will ever be the same person to you. I don't know if I can ever write anymore letters to you like how you have asked me to. I don't know if I can ever keep the friendship between us like how you wanted me to. There are times when two people need to step apart from one another. Once the realization is accepted even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue.

I will not hope anymore Hanni. I will take your photos out of my wallet. I will not dream of you anymore. I will walk away from you and live my life without you in the background. If there is no more love in you for me, then I shall respect it and leave you for the happiness that you have found. My heart is a ceaseless sermon of loneliness now. The only thing I need is a hand that rests on my own, that wishes it well, that sometimes guides me to the journey into the future. Maybe part of loving is learning to let go. There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

Goodbye Hanni...may my love for you be gone...

Don't Stop Believing Journey lyrics

Mind Over Body...

Dear Diary,

I woke up at 9 this morning and my brother invited me to have breakfast at Mcdonalds. I did a few household chores and hurriedly took my shower. When we left home, it was 11am and I did not think I would want to have breakfast anymore. When we got there, we changed our mind and had breakfast at Ya Kun Kaya Toast. I did not like it at all. Firstly, it was small and crowded and you know I hate crowded area.

The thing about Singapore is, land is so scarce that it cost so much to buy a square feet of a piece of land. The seating capacity at Ya Kun Kaya Toast is as big as two master bedrooms of a 5 room HDB flats. That is why I dreaded to have breakfast there. I am so used to sit at cafes in Subang Jaya with so much ample seating space that can accomodate more than 50 pax at a time. I can even have a choice to sit inside the premise or outside. So there we were, seated at a pathetic, miserable table for 2 by the doorway. I had to withstand getting my back knocked against the arms, elbows, bags and even the heads of kids. Now Diary when you get knocked more than you can chew, tell me how are you supposed to enjoy your breakfast?

I finished my breakfast quickly and walked straight to Cold Storage. I bought a few groceries and headed to Guardian Pharmacy. I shopped for my toiletries and how thankful I was that I did not buy it at Cold Storage. Guardian is having a cut down prices on selected items and I got a couple of good buy. My brother was browsing for some anti hair loss products when a salesgirl approached us offering her products to my brother. I think my brother has already got his eye on one product and he made excuses to decline her offer. However, he gave her such a weak excuse and he got schooled in the end in a nice diplomatic manner.

I did not find that the salesgirl was rude but rather I find that she is honest and truthful. My brother told her that he has tried many products and he got tired of trying anymore new products. She told him, one must try a product or a brand for at least 3 months before one can see the result. And during those 3 months, one must faithfully do the things one must do to create the result. She looked at me while she was saying it and I looked back at her smiling not trying to ignore her because my brother was ignoring her.

I nodded in agreement but I remained silent. I was not silent because I could not be bothered by her but I was silent because I wanted what she said to sink in. It was true what she said. Even though she was referring to some anti hair loss products but the content of what she said applies to almost everything.

Just about yesterday, I am feeling a bit demotivated again and I was thinking of looking for a paying job but after hearing what she said, I am just going to ignore the idea. Perhaps I must ask myself what have I done to get the kind of result I have gotten. Have I done enough to say that I am not progressing and have I done what I am supposed to do diligently to close more deals? What have I done to secure viewing appointments? She may have said it simply but it really made me think of what I really need to be doing before I give up.

Giving up is the last thing I want to do and I must make sure that I do whatever it takes for me to become successful in this arena before I can call it quit. If I have not done enough and then quit, it is a shame but if I quit after I have done enough until there is nothing more to do, then at least I can say I have done all that I could but real estate is just not meant to be my rice bowl.

Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it. I have learnt to look at ourselves first before we decide to pass judgements on things or on people. I have learnt that sucess does not come easy. I have learnt that there are many who are successful in the world were once poor or failures. But the difference between them and ordinary people is, they are always positive about everything. The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible. If I just try, I might get exactly what I want. If I don't, I don't.

Excuse Me, I'm Not Looking For A Boyfriend...

Dear Diary,

I went to an appointment this evening and I ended up feeling like as though it was a blind date with a man who simply is on the lookout for a girlfriend. Honestly, I felt a bit weird before meeting this guy but like I said earlier, the positivity I have about my job is tremendous that I turned all negativities into positivities.

His name is Francis and he got my number from the flyers I did my farming. I was not surprise because I believe my flyers are everywhere right now. I have given out about 3000 pieces of my flyers away and why would I be surprise if I received a call from any Tom, Dick or Harry? So Francis called me and threw rather weird questions at me. He asked if I am really Malay because my photo showed that I look like Chinese and he asked if I could speak in Mandarin and if I was married. You see Diary, as an agent, when people call the number you printed on your flyers you would expect them to ask you about things which are relevant to what your flyers represent you. Francis did not ask me any questions which are relevant to my job. Infact, he asked me personal question which I found it weird and inappropriate. He was not rude but he was too straightforward and rather bold.

The first time he called me, he asked if he could meet me. I asked if it was property related matters and he said "can also". Now Diary, how do you expect me to deduce the logic from the answer he gave me. Being new in this industry, I cannot afford to be proud neither can I afford to be too modest. I assumed that he is a guy who just wanted to know his agent first before he decides to appoint the agent to represent him. He text me this afternoon and arrange to meet. I chose the location because I merely had to be careful. He did not mention that he wanted me to come to his house, so I assumed that he could have any other intentions as well besides property. I chose starbucks at the most busiest part of Yishun.

I was early and I text him where I was seated. He was 10 mins late and it was as if he knew it was me in the photo he saw because I remembered he just came straight to my table at starbucks without the slightest hesitation that he could be wrong. He looked at me so closely that I immediately felt so very uncomfortable. Imagine this Diary, I have no whatsoever feelings toward men and having a man to look at me like that for the first time we met, gosh, that was just repulsive. Honest to God, he turned me off already!

I offered to buy him a drink since I thought (or more likely hope) that he would be my client. He declined and instead offered to buy me something to drink. As he was walking towards the counter, he turned around and walked back to my table and asked if I wanted to go somewhere else. I was already prepared to run or to show him some of my self taught karate skills but I knew he was genuine when he wanted to go to the cafe next to Starbucks since it was quieter there. I agreed and so there we were, walking side by side which just made me feel like a complete idiot.

He bought me a drink and carried on with the conversations. He asked me too much personal questions that just made me feel uncomfortable. I did not show it to him but I kind of gave him the impression that I only meant to talk about business. He asked if I had a boyfriend, he asked how often I meet my boyfriend and he asked if I have plan to marry my boyfriend. He did not catch me offguard, I answered his questions smoothly even though I paused for a couple of times before I answered. What tickles me until now is the fact that I lied to him I am engaged. Oh Diary...it just came out of my mouth and I saw him let out a big and heavy sigh. Geezz...I was really fidgetting by then but still I showed calmness.  

He told me how come I did not tell him this on the phone when he first called. My mind was racing fast and I couldn't even remember if he had asked me anything related to my status. So I asked him back did I really not tell him and I left him to do the recalling and he spontaneously blurted out that he just remembered that he did not ask me. He only asked me if I was married and I said no. Well, yeah of course I am not married. *chuckles* But I am also not engaged! hehehehehe...So he went on asking me if I have any other single girlfriend that I can introduce to him. Oh Diary...believe me, he honestly made me feel like as though I was a matchmaker. It is no wonder that my Manager advised me to have two mobile numbers and put the prepaid number on flyers instead of the postpaid number. Now I can see why...and it was a lucky thing that I put my prepaid number on my flyers when I sent it for printing.

I finished off the conversation quickly and it was a lucky thing that the cafe was closing so we left the cafe and he walked me out. He asked if I wanted to sit some more and talked with him which I really think that was so pointless. This man is looking for a girlfriend and I am looking for someone who wants to sell or buy a house. Our needs just do not match but I tried not to be rude towards him. I chatted with him for awhile in the middle of the crowd and I finally call it a night 5 minutes later.

I bid him goodbye and reminded him to call me if he has any property related matters to discuss. We shook hands and I walked away feeling rather funny. So that was how my appointment turned out to be Diary. I supposed all this will just brought laughter to me when I have finally become successful salesperson in real estate. I will probably tell this story to my associates when I have my own division. InsyaAllah...

Enya- Only time (with lyrics)

What Time And Silence Can Do

Dear Diary,

I went to my office today to get the latest listings of available flats for sale in my preferred location. I printed a few pages. I just need to check with the respective agents if the flats are still available and if they are, I will let my buyers know and will arrange viewing for them. You know Diary, I guess it is really not easy to become an agent. I usually think that it is not that difficult but after I have become one, I have to admit that I was wrong big time about it all.

How are you Diary? I am feeling feverish since 2 days ago but I have not come down with fever yet. I really hope I won't. How are things with you? Things are fine with me. There were a couple of hiccups but I am sure they are only temporary. Nothing stays forever and nobody stays the same, right?

I have begun to open up my life to a few of my friends once again. I guess I have stayed silent long enough. I am not pushing my friends away but I figured that in life, there must come a time when we have to escape from the crowd. We have to seek solitude and be on our own for awhile to do some self reflections. According to Lau Tzhu, silence is a source of great strength, to the Arabs silence is medication for sorrow, to the Latins, we have to silent ourselves before we silent others and to the Italians silence was never written down.

I have realised the utmost importance to be able to silent oneself. It is not hate that make people become very silent but it is something that the heart and mind decided to do. True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment. I cannot deny that in my isolation, I have learnt to appreciate the goodness of having friends around. Whether I have met them or not, seen them or have not, they play important roles in my life shaping me into a better person and most of all teaching me how to accept a person as a whole with his strengths and weaknesses.

 

I have missed my friends in my silence but I carried on being silent because I felt there was a need to. It was to heal my aching heart from everything around me. From the dissapointments to the heartbreaks, from the pressures to the tensions that I have felt from within me. Diary, it is true that silence and time can heal but it takes a lot of effort and patience because the healing does not happen overnight.

 

During the times I have missed them, I wished I could just tell them. How good it is to be able to say something without having to worry of the implications. Or, perhaps I just worry too much. I don't know Diary.

 

Only time will tell...

Awie_Alif Ba Ta Duniaku.DAT

Tiada Siapa Tahu Apa Dalam Hatiku....

Dear Diary,

It is 2 am in the morning and I am still up writing to you. I am sleepy and I don't know what to say to you but still I stubbornly stay awake hoping that ideas will come as I am typing these letters to form words that could make sentences. At 2 am in the morning, I always feel good writing because that is when it is most quiet. Perhaps...it is time to write in my mother tongue...

Sunyi dan sepi aku rasakan pada malam ini yang memberi peluang dan harapan untuk aku mengalirkan cerita-cerita yang berada di minda ke jari jemariku yang lantas menekan butang-butang di laptop ini membuka bicara untuk bacaan pembaca-pembaca setiaku.

Wahai sang Diary, percubaan pertamaku untuk menyusun huruf-huruf untuk menjadikan sepatah perkataan kepada sebuah ayat yang aku harapkan akan mengusik jiwa dan minda manusia-manusia yang begitu menitik beratkan tentang kehidupan.

Begitu lama aku tidak menulis di dalam bahasa ibunda sendiri dan kini, tiba-tiba aku dengan penuh ghairah mencuba hanya kerana aku mahu membuktikan kepada seseorang bahawa aku boleh. Diketawakan dan diejek, namun aku tidak langsung mengendahkannya. Aku suka bila dianggap tidak berupaya untuk membuat sesuatu kerana itu hanya akan membuatkan aku begitu bertekad untuk mencubanya bersungguh-sungguh. Amat memalukan jikalau aku tidak boleh menulis dalam bahasa ibunda sendiri sedangkan aku seorang pencinta bangsa dan bahasa.

Buku Melayu terakhir yang aku baca adalah Laskar Pelangi oleh Andrea Hirata. Pernah kau dengar tentang dia, Diary? Seorang yang berasal dari Balitong, yang begitu cantik bahasanya di dalam buku-bukunya yang membuatkan dia begitu popular. Aku ada dvd ceritanya dan aku juga ada buku-bukunya. Mungkin itulah sebabnya juga aku rasakan bahawa tulisan Melayu aku malam ini ada berunsurkan cara Indonesia sedikit. Sedang aku menulis kepada engkau, aku sendiri membaca apa yang aku tulis di dalam bahasa baku. Tapi itu juga apa yang aku belajar semasa di sekolah dahulu. Sebutan harus di dalam bahasa baku, dan rancangan-rancangan Melayu di Singapura terutamanya sekali yang berunsur pendidikan adalah di dalam bahasa Melayu baku. Mungkin agak janggal pada yang tidak biasa tapi apa aku peduli kerana ini adalah blog aku dan aku akan menulis dengan gaya yang aku senangi. 

Sombong? Tidak...tetapi bukankah itu yang betul Diary? Kita tidak boleh menyenangkan semua orang kerana itu adalah perkara yang paling mustahil sekali di dunia. Kalau hidup hanya untuk menyenangkan manusia di sekeliling kita, akhirnya diri sendiri yang akan merana kerana apa sahaja yang kita lakukan adalah untuk kepentingan orang lain. Itu yang aku belajar dari seorang teman yang tidak berwajah. Cukup pandai dia berkata-kata menyelitkan "philosophy" yang aku tidak pernah tidak membacanya. Bijak sekali dia memilih untuk padankan dengan situasi-situasi harian di dalam hidupku. Anggun, itulah anggapanku terhadapnya. Jarang sekali aku bertemu dengan seseorang yang begitu lebih-lebih lagi di dalam dunia alam maya. (amboi...sukanya aku dengan kebolehan aku bertutur) 

Alam maya, maknanya virtual reality. Aku baru belajar maknanya hari ini dari kamus aku yang hampir berlapok di atas rak-rak buku aku yang penuh dengan koleksi-koleksi untuk santapan minda dan jiwaku. Separuh koleksiku berada di Tangkak dan separuh lagi di Singapura, tempat lahirku. Beginilah keadaannya bila sudah berpindah randah. Aku terpaksa memulakan hidup baru setelah berasa amat selesa di negara orang kerana keadaan tidak mengizinkan. Masih berdarah lagi parut di hati cuma darahnya tidak mengalir lagi. Sebenarnya aku sedang ketawa melihat telatah aku yang seperti seorang penulis perasan sendiri. *ketawa*

Apapun keadaannya, aku suka menulis. Menulis adalah cara aku untuk melepaskan apa yang terbuku di hati yang tidak dapat aku menceritakan dari mulut. Aku lebih selesa menulis, mengalihkan pandangan dari mindaku ke bentuk tulisan yang berupakan puisi atau coretan. Jikalau aku menulis, aku rasakan bagai ingin menulis hingga ke akhir hayat. Panjang-panjang sekali coretan aku sebab cara itulah yang aku amat selesa sekali. Aku suka, suka menulis terutama sekali tentang pengalaman pahit dan manisku meniti hari-hari hidupku yang mungkin akan aku bukukan suatu hari nanti.

Apa pun yang aku rasa, aku pasti akan menulisnya. Cinta, itulah topic kegemaran aku. Jiwaku bukan sekeras batu, aku amat mudah tersentuh apabila berbicara tentang cinta. Cinta yang hanya aku dapat rasakan dengan naluri, nadi, jiwa dan hatiku. Sungguh enak bila dapat digenggam tetapi aku tahu, tiada yang kekal di dunia ini. Aku pasrah tengan nasib diriku mengenai cinta. Cinta-cinta yang pernah aku rasakan, semuanya tidak bertahan lebih dari 2 tahun. Sayang sekali semuanya pergi begitu mudah seperti mengambil gula-gula dari seorang bayi. 

Wahai sang Diary, fahamkan engkau tentang perasaan diriku? Apa pun yang tersemat di dalam hati aku, tiada siapa yang dapat meneka kerana kita semua manusia. Kita tidak punyai kuasa yang boleh membaca minda dan hati seseorang. Aku tidak bersedih lagi, cuma aku terkilan. Aku rindu pada dia, tapi tidak pernah aku memberitahunya. Begitu senang aku menyelit-nyelitkan tentang dia di dalam Diary ini tetapi langsung aku tidak punyai keberanian mengakuinya. Mungkin aku susah untuk melafazkannya kerana aku tidak mahu dibayangi oleh perasan "syiok sendiri". *ketawa*

Tersenyum aku memikirkannya....yang aku tahu, cinta yang agung tidak perlu dilafazkan. Cukuplah dengan keikhlasan kita menerimanya seada mungkin dan memaafkan kesilapannya kerana cinta itu adalah sesuatu yang suci walaupun ia di dalam bekas yang berdebu. Ketahuilah teman, di dalam hati ini, masih ada lagi suka untukmu...yang akan bertukar menjadi sayang dan membesar kepada cinta jika keadaan mengizinkan...dan kita sama-sama tahu apa keadaanya sekarang...

PS: Terlungkup, terlentang and bergolek-golek aku ketawa....gerek sehh!! eheh... 

Keane - Somewhere Only We Know (Lyrics)

Cry My Heart Out...

Dear Diary,

It has been two days since I stopped work. I am not quitting but I just stopped for awhile. I need a break from everything and so I decided to stop. That is the only option I have to feel the tranquility and serenity that life has to offer me. As I am writing to you I feel sad but calm. There is a little bit of anger but I left it unattended. There is no time to entertain such emotion. There are so much for me to do that to attend to anger is a thing I must not do.

I visited my late brother on Friday morning alone. I wanted to do it by myself. It has been awhile since I last visited him. When I was there, everything looked fine. I sat there for awhile just staring at everything around, at times I just looked down at the ground thinking about things that made up my life. The sun was rising and I could feel I was sweating. Droplets of sweat beginning to form on my forehead. I wipe them away with my right palm. The next minute I knew, I broke down and I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. I did not even know what I was crying for.

I knew I had this coming. I have been bottling everything inside me that only God can understand how I truly feel. I never had a chance to pay my respect to him alone like this. I have always been there with my parents and everytime I was there, I held back my tears and I denied the agony I have been feeling. I felt so weak when I was there. I read the 'Yassin' to him as best as I could and I cannot stop my tears from falling. I ignored the sun, the heat and everything around me. It was quiet and I could only hear the birds chirpping melodiously. I could feel the wind blow occassionally. It felt good as it made me feel cool a bit despite the heat.

I grew quiet again after the 'Yassin' and I let my thoughts wander. Why should I have to feel this way when it is wrong. It is not accepted even after life on earth. As much as I realise the truth, it is still difficult for me to deny who I really am. I have fought it Diary...but I am only human. If I can rip it off from my heart, I would but I couldn't. There I was with my dead brother trying to forget about everything but it is all coming back to me. I shut my eyes tight and buried my face in my palms.

I miss everything about her and it makes me grow into a weak person spiritually. With no one to talk to, I have become so lonely and lost. My heart desires for her attention and care but I know it is not going to happen. For all the time that I have worked to forget her, I have failed. Sacrifice, a simple word with so many meaning that not everybody can do. I have understood that the greatest love you have for someone need not be said and told. You know that it is love when you look at her and all you think about is to grow old with her and spend the rest of your days caring for her. No gifts, no flowers, no luxuries but love.

Talking to her has become an obsession because you know she hears and listens to you when you speak. You enjoy the silent moments with her because you know without saying a word you can still feel her presence. Strange but true. The pictures you have of her still tucked in your wallet even though she is no longer yours. Sad but amazing how you can feel so much for her. Ashame is all you feel when you think of the memories you have with her. The love that you did not realised until it was gone.

I have realised that I cried because I cannot have her anymore and I needed a place to cry. A place that I can be quiet but let my mind wanders without boundaries. Far from the hustle and bustle. I may be alone but I know I am not. I just wanted to cry with my brother, gone to a place only we know. Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.

Alanis Morissette - You Learn + Lyrics

Missing Lady Luck

Dear Diary,

I am so stressed to the extent that I want to give everything up right here, right now. I am not unfortunate neither I am poor. I have not been hit by any natural disaster neither have I been in a bad accident that leave me handicapped. But I am all stressed up with my environment. I feel like banging my head against the wall so hard. But of course, that is just a wish that I will never commit myself to.

Have you ever feel that way Diary? I sent an SOS text message to Flying Babe just now. I think I needed some sort of motivations. I am servicing this client who is being quite difficult. Not difficult as in difficult to work with but difficult as in difficult to meet her requirements.

You see, she is Mdm Koh and both she and her husband are Malaysian PR living in Singapore. She intends to upgrade to a bigger flat with a budget for valuation at $330K the maximum with at least $25K as the cash over valuation. Therefore, her total budget would be $355K. Yes, it is fine but her requirements exceeded her budget and I am simply having a stressful time making her understands the situation. She wants a 4 room flat in a new estate, in Sembawang which is less than 10 years old, high floor, move in condition and within walking distance to the MRT and amenities. Diary, I have searched high and low but I cannot find any. All the agents that I have called up might think that I am wasting my time serving this Mdm Koh because everybody knows, a budget with that kind of requirements is almost impossible!

With that kind of requirements, she should have at least $400K as her budget. I am not underestimating her but it is the truth. However, I am still serving her because I know she is a genuine buyer and probably I may end up closing her a deal. Somehow, I know I want to serve her, it does not matter if I can find her an exact match to her requirements but I want to take her as a challenge. Furthermore, I am not serving any other buyer at the moment. I do not want to do another mistake again. She wants to buy and I know that, it is just that as an agent I think I must educate her and help her make informed decisions based on logic and market trend and not on emotions and desires alone. 

Diary, Flying babe replied my message. Apparently she is on medical leave today as she is having gastric. I don't know how I feel anymore towards her. Honestly, I still hope but at the same time I acknowledge the situations. I think she is seeing someone but I am not sure too. Did I tell you I saw a car parked at her porch when I wanted to hand deliver her letters? I drove off when I saw the car and I ended up posting the letters to her. Those letters were my last letters to her. I have not written to her since then. I still carry the little teddy bear she gave me whenever I went farming. I slept with the teddy bear at night by my side. She does not know about this. She does not need to know, does she? 

I miss her but I don't know anymore why do I miss her. *sighs* Love sucks so much. It's becoming more like a disease to me. I hate love so much right now that if it were a person, I would kill it by stabbing it repeatedly until there is no more place to stab and then I will just watch it die bleeding, I will just walk away from it leaving it to die on its own mercilessly. Errmm...Diary, I think I need to buy a punching bag urgently now or perhaps follow the advise of someone to put my face into a pillow and scream as loud as I can...let it all out...

Good For You

Dear Diary,

Today is the 6th death anniversary of my brother. 1st of july...It has been six years since he died. And today I just received the news that my younger brother is going to get married from my aunt. She came last night and broke the news to my parents. I intervened a little because I felt I just had to let my thoughts known. There are so many issues that I have with him and my aunt. So many that I got tired of the news.

I could have created a Tsunami but it was really pointless. I could have had a war of words with my aunt but I gave in. I knew I could have crushed her ego and pride but I was tired of her shoddy defences. I let it be, just like how I let it be of the things in my life that were not meant to be. At some point in your life, you simply have to give it up because you have ran out of place to hide to seek solitude. You accept whatever happens in your life like how a man should.

You hold your feelings inside you and never want to let it go. You hold on to it so tightly as though you can have it back. You know you are tired but still you refuse to acknowledge the truths because you know acknowledging the truths will only hurt you more. You walk down the street with your head bow so low with no hope. Then, you ask yourself what have you done to feel this way. And you remember about the things that you have done to people. You realised that this is how it really feel when you did what you did to people.