It has been two days since I stopped work. I am not quitting but I just stopped for awhile. I need a break from everything and so I decided to stop. That is the only option I have to feel the tranquility and serenity that life has to offer me. As I am writing to you I feel sad but calm. There is a little bit of anger but I left it unattended. There is no time to entertain such emotion. There are so much for me to do that to attend to anger is a thing I must not do.
I visited my late brother on Friday morning alone. I wanted to do it by myself. It has been awhile since I last visited him. When I was there, everything looked fine. I sat there for awhile just staring at everything around, at times I just looked down at the ground thinking about things that made up my life. The sun was rising and I could feel I was sweating. Droplets of sweat beginning to form on my forehead. I wipe them away with my right palm. The next minute I knew, I broke down and I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. I did not even know what I was crying for.
I knew I had this coming. I have been bottling everything inside me that only God can understand how I truly feel. I never had a chance to pay my respect to him alone like this. I have always been there with my parents and everytime I was there, I held back my tears and I denied the agony I have been feeling. I felt so weak when I was there. I read the 'Yassin' to him as best as I could and I cannot stop my tears from falling. I ignored the sun, the heat and everything around me. It was quiet and I could only hear the birds chirpping melodiously. I could feel the wind blow occassionally. It felt good as it made me feel cool a bit despite the heat.
I grew quiet again after the 'Yassin' and I let my thoughts wander. Why should I have to feel this way when it is wrong. It is not accepted even after life on earth. As much as I realise the truth, it is still difficult for me to deny who I really am. I have fought it Diary...but I am only human. If I can rip it off from my heart, I would but I couldn't. There I was with my dead brother trying to forget about everything but it is all coming back to me. I shut my eyes tight and buried my face in my palms.
I miss everything about her and it makes me grow into a weak person spiritually. With no one to talk to, I have become so lonely and lost. My heart desires for her attention and care but I know it is not going to happen. For all the time that I have worked to forget her, I have failed. Sacrifice, a simple word with so many meaning that not everybody can do. I have understood that the greatest love you have for someone need not be said and told. You know that it is love when you look at her and all you think about is to grow old with her and spend the rest of your days caring for her. No gifts, no flowers, no luxuries but love.
Talking to her has become an obsession because you know she hears and listens to you when you speak. You enjoy the silent moments with her because you know without saying a word you can still feel her presence. Strange but true. The pictures you have of her still tucked in your wallet even though she is no longer yours. Sad but amazing how you can feel so much for her. Ashame is all you feel when you think of the memories you have with her. The love that you did not realised until it was gone.
I have realised that I cried because I cannot have her anymore and I needed a place to cry. A place that I can be quiet but let my mind wanders without boundaries. Far from the hustle and bustle. I may be alone but I know I am not. I just wanted to cry with my brother, gone to a place only we know. Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.
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