How are you? Ask me how I am now and I will tell you that I am feeling sick. I am sick from things around me. I am sick with the headache in my head. I am sick feeling nauseous. I think I am just mentally tired. It has been a very tough 3 days in a row. Have you ever felt this way Diary? You have this big dissatisfaction in you that you don't know how to let it go.
The more you try to brush it away, the more it bothers you. You try to keep your cool and be oblivious as you can but it gets to you somehow. It always find ways how to get inside you and disturb that peaceful mind of yours, turning it haywire putting things all over the place. It makes you feel that you are not good enough and you are lacking a lot. That is how I feel now Diary.
I checked my transactions with my company and it was on 25th of June. That was the room rental case I handled remember? It has been over a month now and I am not closing any deals. Now I probably see the reaons why my Manager says I am slow. And I have realised now that I am, and as though that does not suffice, I would like to add that I am also as blur as a sotong.
Checking my last transacted deal opened up my eyes and I see with better clarity now that if I do not fill up my time with productive activities everyday, I might as well quit. To defend myself, I would say that I work everyday, but previously I did not have a work schedule, I did not have motivational little self-made posters on my walls and I also did not have my short and long term goals pasted on the walls. Now I do. I also have this 'Things To Do' application on my iPhone which I use to record every nitty gritty things that I have to do related to work.
Every night before I go to sleep, I would plan my schedule. When I wake up the next morning, I will read out loud my prayer and the motivational posters I have on my wall. I will then check my list of things to do and my work schedule. I am proud to say that I am beginning to discipline myself and become more organised in my work. I have learnt how to prioritise my clients and be versatile. Most importantly I have manage to multitask instead of doing one thing at a time. I have realised the need to be fast and quick and how every seconds count. And most significantly, I have come to know that not all what my Manager taught and said is right.
A few things happened while I was making viewing arrangements for Vivian. Vivian is the owner for the unit I have to lease. I swear that I will never repeat the same mistake again. If I could have been more sharp, I am pretty sure that I can close this deal earlier. However, just about now I have realised that I have forgotten one very important thing to do before anything else; to check the ownership of the unit. Oh Diary, I am seriously learning a lot of things now. I am beginning to enjoy it even after much frustrations for failed appointments. Well, at least I get to learn something and now I know what are the most important things to do first before I get all excited for having a whole unit as my listing - check the ownership of the unit first before anything else!!
You know Diary, with all these viewing arrangements and checking I have to make, it is making me busy and stressful with work. It is good so I can put my mind into a more productive phase instead of harping over something or someone which and who is long gone from my life. My life now revolves around my family and work. I can say that I have no social life now. Yes, it is sure going to be fruitful over the long run but I am not sure if it is going to be healthy for my mind and heart because I know I am still missing her. I am still missing that hope I used to have with her. She has always been the one I turned to in times of my adversities but I do not have the privilege sharing with her anymore. I know that I have lost all rights to even tell her what I had for lunch today or what I did today. There will not be anymore jokes or playful teasings with her because she is not here anymore.
I have come to terms with the truths and I am returning to reality now. It hurts so much that I feel so weak just thinking about it. I read somewhere that says, alone does not mean lonely and the simple truth about life is, not everybody is going to be there for us. We were always born alone and we will eventually die alone too.
Stay with me Diary. You are my one and only friend now.
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