Goodbye Queen Of My Heart...

Dear Diary,


Allow me to write a letter to Flying Babe...

Dearest Hanni,

I have waited so long for you to give me the answer. For all the time that I have spent waiting, my heart longed for you that days and nights seemed indifferent. I was not able to bring myself to like or to love someone else because my love for you is strong until I got afraid of it. I have loved you and I love you still and I don't know how long it will stay in my heart. You are always in my mind that you appeared in my dreams too often that every night before I closed my eyes to sleep, I hope silently that you will walk into my dreams again to ease this long I have for you.

They are just dreams Hanni, but they made me smile and gave me a glimpse of happiness that I have been missing. People may think that I am a dreamer but I know I am not the only one. If I can let you know how hopeful I have been, you might think that I am crazy or hoping for something that I can never achieved. People expect me to move on but how can I when I am still in love with you? It hurts to love like this. I cannot turn back the time and I cannot force you to take me back.

Everytime I write to you, I never fail to feel this heavy burden of regret. I write stories to you imagining as though you were mine. Whatever I felt, I think of you first to share it with. The slightest excitement or a sprinkle of sadness that acts as confetti to my life, I want you to know. Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.We both know that I was just hoping against hope. There is a silent dream in my soul that I can have you back and feel the love enveloped me once again. I miss you and everything that we have done together. I felt it shelter to speak to you.

Words just cannot explain and the heart is too shy to speak. I have hoped that you would welcome me back to Subang if I come back. I have hoped that we could start a family when I am well. The hopes remain but I have lost them now. I am remembering how I felt when I first saw you. And I am ashamed of myself.

All those doubts, they are answered now. I took the news like a real woman. My heart fell apart but I know there is nothing that I can do. If only I can hold my heart in my hands and protect it from the pain. If only love was not too difficult to fathom. Forgive me for not loving you enough when we were one, forgive me for not giving you more compliments when I have you in my arms, forgive me for pushing you away when I should have wrapped you in my love. I have failed you Hanni and my time is up.

I still have your photos in my wallet. There are many times when I took them out only to put them back in again. I still carry the little teddy bear you gave me wherever I go. It gives me some kind of encouragements when I think that the world is falling on me because I always believe you will be there for me. I have this thought that when everyone is against me, you would stand infront of me to shield me away from them. Would you Hanni?

I am nothing but a broken woman now. My heart is broken and it feels like every other part of my body is broken too. I have always thought you would wait for me but I have forgotten that I took too long. I lost track of the time and I left your feelings unattended. I wonder who she is when I read your text. I have always imagined how and what I would feel if you have found someone new. I do now and here I am all alone mending my broken hollow heart. I did not know how to react when I got your message. All I felt was a sudden feel of pain to my heart that is beyond descriptions. I am grieving and I am sad. I have realised that I am unworthy of your love now.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. I don't know if I will ever be the same person to you. I don't know if I can ever write anymore letters to you like how you have asked me to. I don't know if I can ever keep the friendship between us like how you wanted me to. There are times when two people need to step apart from one another. Once the realization is accepted even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue.

I will not hope anymore Hanni. I will take your photos out of my wallet. I will not dream of you anymore. I will walk away from you and live my life without you in the background. If there is no more love in you for me, then I shall respect it and leave you for the happiness that you have found. My heart is a ceaseless sermon of loneliness now. The only thing I need is a hand that rests on my own, that wishes it well, that sometimes guides me to the journey into the future. Maybe part of loving is learning to let go. There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

Goodbye Hanni...may my love for you be gone...