Practice Really Makes It Perfect

Dear Diary,

The hike to Bukit Berekeh was not easy neither was it tough. I would say that it was challenging in the sense inclination was steep and the terrain was slippery with loose rocks although it was not raining. One false move and you could be tumbling down and if you are out of luck, you could be badly injured if you fall out of trek and into the ravine. Yes, I am serious.

There were 42 of us. I was in the first group. I was the second female climber to reach the summit. It was short but it was quite a challenge. This time I made sure I had 1 extra set of batteries as I know my headlight is 300 lumens and uses lots of electricity. I climbed with Nad. She was always at the front and I followed her closely behind. I saw how Nad has improved. Her pace was like mine and I was kind of surprise with her performance.

I have been encouraging Sarah and Nad to jump rope at home for at least 25 minutes daily. And Nad has been doing it with discipline. She also trains hard outside with Sarah. She goes for short hikes over the weekend. With the jump rope practice at home and the weekend short hikes, she has significantly improved. You see what practice does to a person Diary? I would like to stress that practice makes perfect. I know I have said it before but I would like to reiterate.

We are preparing ourselves for Rinjani and it is important to train hard. Another one of our friends will join us. So there will be 4 of us. I would say that she is just an acquaintance to me. Her mother runs a restaurant business in USJ and I have been to her restaurant a couple of times recently. I know that restaurant very well. I used to have dinner and lunch there when I was living in USJ. Going there brings back memories. It was still the same like before. Nothing much has changed since the last time I went there 9 years ago.

But I never saw her before. All I could remember was her mother. She was 17 at that time and I guess she was too young to take over the business. Now she is 27 and she is taking over the family’s business so she is always at the restaurant. She did not believe I am 40 years old. She was shocked and I smiled at her. Apparently, she is a friend of Nad. They know each other well and sometimes we get discounts. Well, not that we come there for the discounts but the food they serve taste really good. I am honest about it. Her restaurant serves good food, affordable price and friendly and polite owner so what more could you ask for? I just hope she knows what she is signing for when she agreed to go to Rinjani.

Anyway, I am resting my muscles today. I think I am also resting myself. I am still sleepy and tired. I will be going to Tangkak again tomorrow with mother. It will be just the two of us. I have a hike in the second week of February. I need to train hard. I need to work on my core. I have two weeks to train before the hike. It is time to focus on forex and also e-commerce now. I am still following my schedule. It is just that I am taking a break today. I have done packing for tomorrow and I will start working on Thursday. Oh, wow…there are so many things to do now.

I must train physically for Rinjani. I must finish my online store. I must start reading forex chart. I must memorise Doa Qunut, oh Diary I am actually at line 9 already. Not bad huh? Well, discipline that is what it is all about. You walk the talk. 

I got to go now Diary. Take care.   

    

Friday Talk

Dear Diary,

I am on the bus now on the way to Tangkak. I got to Larkin at 2.15pm and I immediately went to look for the ticket. Bus leaves at 2.30pm and I thank God I still had time to catch it otherwise I have to wait for the 3.30pm bus. I got a twin seat all to myself. I feel comfortable without having to share my seat with strangers. I think I will be at Tangkak by 6 in the evening. I will buy myself Ramlee Burger for dinner and will call grab to send me home. I hope there are grab drivers around. It is cheaper to use grab service instead of the taxi. The taxi will cost rm10 and grab is only rm3. 

I used grab once when there was no taxi available. It was on a Friday and just in time for the Friday prayers. I was worried I had to wait for a long time and I tried my luck to call grab. I was in luck and a driver answered my call. He sent me home for rm3. I almost choke laughing at the fare. It was too cheap. I somewhat felt pity for the driver. But hey I don't control the fares, although it was to my benefits for the low fare I still feel sad for the driver. I am sleepy Diary. I don't know what is wrong with me, I think I am having my period but the flow was too little. I am not sure if I can call it period blood. I really hope there is nothing wrong with me. I want to be healthy so I can continue serving my parents until their last breath. 

I am actually contemplating to buy a windbreaker or not. I need a big one because I am going to wear it over my winter jacket but I feel like I have been spending too much on stuff for hiking and travelling. What I really need right now is a pair of trekking poles and a camera sleeve. The trekking poles are for my Rinjani trip and also my Fuji trip. I am getting the black diamond one. I need to see what size suits me best. There are 3 sizes and all of them are foldable. I am so sleepy now Diary...I think I want to get a nap on the bus. 

I will write again soon.

Relaxing Thursday

Dear Diary,

I am going hiking on Saturday and so I will be going to Tangkak tomorrow and spend the night there. I will drive up to USJ on Saturday and off I go hiking with Nad and 39 other hikers. I do not know all of them except for Nad. I am excited to hike. I cannot wait to burn all the bad fats in my body. 

I am a little busy today relaxing. hahaha I passed the tests and now I am waiting for the official licence to be a commercial driver. I still have not look at my forex chart and I still have not finished my outstanding e-commerce store. I will focus after the hike. I have many activities lining up right now. Ohh geez...I think I got to slow down a bit. 

I got to go Diary...

I Made It With Love and Prayers

Dear Diary,

The test for paper 2 was challenging but I still managed to pass. I was surprised myself. To be honest, I did not expect to pass as I really had a gruelling time completing the paper. I knew I had studied enough to pass. I was sure I had done my best but still, the questions in paper 2 were tricky. I had to read the questions more than once in order to comprehend. We were only allowed to have 7 wrong answers and when I was done with paper 2, I went through the paper again to answer those questions I skipped.

The questions I skipped were not questions that tested my memorising skills. They were merely questions I never thought would come out. It was easy if you read through the notes with full comprehension. I did not absorb the information from the book as a whole. I did not digest every single line and so I did not overload myself with all the facts found in the book. The questions which I expected to come out did not and vice versa. So really, how could I anticipate myself to pass when my confidence level was going downhill while I was struggling to answer?

How did I pass then? Somehow I knew I had worked hard enough and Allah probably knows it. I prayed to Him to let me pass and I did my part to convince him how serious I was. I asked mom to pray for me 30 minutes before the test. I supposed sensibility came knocking to my heart and so I asked the one woman who carried me in her womb for nine and a half months and who love me unconditionally for a favour.

“Mak, doakan Ati pass…”

So, while checking the paper, I realised that some of the answers to the questions I had skipped were inside the test paper in some of the questions. Questions like what are the operational hours of the bus lane in Singapore and what does PDVL mean. Those answers were repeatedly found in the other questions. I simply had to be attentive and spot them. As I could recall, there were about 3 questions on the operational hours of the bus lane. After spotting my mistakes, I corrected them but still, that did not boost my confidence level. Time was running out and I had 15 minutes more to submit my answers.

I had finished the paper but I was afraid to submit for checking. I did not want to fail. I wanted to pass both the papers today and I knew I still had to submit to know the result. I knew if I treat every situation as a life and death matter, I'll die a lot of times. I recognize deep in my heart I have done my best. I have the prayer of a woman who gave birth to me. What more could I ask for? I cleared myself of all the worries and fear and leave the rest to Allah. I clicked on the “Tabulate Result” button and I got 86% as the result. The passing grade is 86% and I did it. I almost jumped out of my seat. I was overjoyed. Happiness engulfed me and I knew it then that if I simply am grateful for the little things in life, I can feel happiness within me. I alone can make myself happy without needing anyone to make it happen. I cannot put the key to my happiness in someone else's pocket. I don't think you can feel a sense of entitlement and still be happy. Happiness always comes from feeling that you've been blessed.  Allah listens to my prayers and the prayer of my mother strengthens it.

I have read somewhere that we need people to pray for us especially people like our mother and father. We are nothing without their prayers. Whatever you do, prioritise your parents first than anybody else because your paradise is at the bottom of your mother’s foot, your destiny will be determined by how you treat your parents. Do good to your parents and good will come to you.

I saw people from my batch failed again for both papers and I can only sympathise them. It is not easy I know. Remember the boy who wanted to study with me for the test? He did not make it for both papers. I gave him my study tips and I told him not to give up. 

As I was walking out of the test centre, I broke the news to mom and then to nad, sarah and curly fries. I simply had to share with them because they know what is going on in my life now. It is good to have people that you can share your joy with. And now, I am breaking the news to you Diary.  Tell me you are proud of me because I am of myself. I am happy, I am blessed and I am loved.

Thank you for the prayer, Mak.

Take care Diary. 

Re-Test is Today

Dear Diary,

I cannot write much. I am busy as a bee. My tests are today and I am preparing for it now. I just completed a mock test online. I am doing good so far but I am not sure if I will do this well on the actual test. I hope I can pass my test today so I can move on to the next step and start focusing on E-Commerce and Forex. I have not got the time to check on Forex. I spend so much of my time studying and revising for this test.

Ok Diary, got to go now. Later ok. 

Dividing My Time Wisely

Dear Diary,

I am in better control of my emotions now. I listen to many motivational videos and I am busy with my own things especially my preparations for the test. I think I will do fine this time. I have finished all the chapters and tomorrow will be the revision days for me until Wednesday. The test will be at 345 pm until 6.15pm. There will be two papers. I am only allowed 10 wrong answers for Paper 1 and 7 wrong answers for Paper 2. Oh Diary, I hope I can pass this time. I will push myself hard to memorise all the cost of fines and the demerit points that come with the fines.

I have been disciplined enough to do at least 5 things from the list of things to do I have. Workout and pray are compulsory. I never skip them. I have plenty of time nowadays but I am not sure if I will once I start driving Uber. I still think I will have time but I have to wake up earlier and then reschedule my timetable. I am excited to add another stream of income to my portfolio. I will have to start on my Forex tomorrow. I have not been trading for 3 weeks. December is not a good month to trade as it is the holiday season in the USA. The market will be erratic and move very slow. I was busy in early January and since I came back from Sabah, I have to study for my test. My time is reserved.  

I have not completed my E-commerce. I was supposed to this week but studying for the test has taken up my time. I guess the priority now is to pass the test. I will come back to my E-commerce store once I am done with the test. Perhaps I can try to squeeze my time to finish my store in between. We will see how it goes. 

Oh, before I forgot I manage to memorise the fourth line of Doa Qunut. Hooray for me. I want to recite it to my mom but I am shy. I am just reciting it to myself daily. I think I will recite it to Curly Fries. Curly Fries surely would give me some encouragement. I will do it tomorrow. 

I am sleepy Diary. I got to go sleep. You take care now ok. 

Afraid of Losing

Dear Diary,

I studied for my Highway Code test all day long. In between, I memorise the third line of Doa Qunut. I have remembered the first three lines well now and tomorrow, I will memorise the fourth line. I am excited actually to complete the memorising process of this Doa. If I can remember it well, it would mean so much to me. I know I can because I memorised Ayat Kursi spontaneously and also Doa Selamat both at the same time. I did not even plan to memorise them but I happened to recite both Doas daily and somehow I memorise them naturally.

My brother died and so after his death, I became religious in some way. Reading Ayat Kursi and reciting the Doa Selamat after prayers became my habit and I think, after one full month they are in my head. I did not have to refer to the books. They are in my head and they flow out of my mouth without me having to work hard recalling every verse. Can you see the miracles that practice can do to you? They surely can do magic. I suppose that is what it means when people say practice makes perfect. I certainly have to apply this to Forex and E-Commerce.

How are you Diary? I hope you are good and happiness is engulfing you. My test for the Highway Code is on the 24^th of January. It is on Wednesday. I have three full days to study the remaining chapters. I have two more chapters, I will complete them tomorrow. I will do my revision on Monday and Tuesday. There is a boy who asked me to meet up on Monday and Tuesday to study together. I do not like that idea because I know I cannot focus if I study outside. It is noisy and a lot of distractions. I cannot concentrate and I think I will decline his offer. He is young, about 24 years old. When I told him my age, he was in disbelieve. Well, who can blame him? I got that a lot actually.

I went to a health coaching talk last week and it was only for those 40 years old and above. The nurse looked at me and asked if I am above 40, I said yes and she seemed hesitant to believe me and asked for my identification jokingly. I would have willingly obliged if she was serious about it. I think I take after mother. She is 66 years old and she does not look her age. She looks 50 and I know for sure, I got her genes. I really am her reproduce.

I inherited her looks as well as her temper. My eloquence comes from her and my high spirit is a courtesy of her too. Nowadays, I wonder what would happen to me if I were to lose mother. I came to know that a friend lost her mother a few days ago. She used to be close to me although she is in Malaysia and I am in Singapore. I always hang out with her whenever I came to Kuala Lumpur to chill. We are not that close anymore but we still keep in touch. I have not had the chance to ask her well being and so I wonder if she is broken inside. I am sure she is because it is not easy to lose a mother.

I would be heartbroken. I think I would be scared like a lost little puppy in a big world. Mother is my backbone. We have our equal shares of misunderstandings, quarrelling, disagreements and falling-out but I still come back home to mother when I am down. I do not share my stories with her but I know I just needed to be physically close to her for me to feel calm and serene. When love hit me hard, I took it to heart. Knowing I still have my mother to love me despite losing the woman I have always love, I still feel blessed. If she is gone, I think I would be the daughter with the broken lost soul crying to sleep in frenzy and I know no one else can soothe me like one warm mother-kiss dried the little-wet eyes and stilled the little-troubled heart of mine.

I cannot envision when the time comes and how I am going to face it. I am fearful Diary. I do not show my emotions openly. I do not know how. If people were to ask me how am I, notwithstanding all the sadness and broken I feel deep down inside my heart, I would still smile and say I am doing ok. I suppose most of us grieve behind closed doors because that is when we are most contented to show our truest sentiments. There are some grieves so loud, they could bring down the sky and there are grieves so still, none knows how deep they lie, endured and never expended.

I supposed when the time comes, I still have you to write my sad stories from the heart.

Take care Diary

I Am At Line Three

Dear Diary,

I am at line three of doa qunut. I am memorising each line daily until I memorise it then I move on to the next line. It has 12 lines so I guess it will take me  12 days to memorise it by hard. I cannot wait until the day I can pray Subuh with reciting doa qunut.

I have been skipping doa qunut for as long as I have started praying subuh. And now, I am determined to remember it so I can recite it in my daily Subuh prayers. It is not wrong to skip it but you will gain more if you recite it. Well, I am getting older and death is so near to me now...I supposed why don' t I do what I can do to gain more good deeds for investments come judgement day.

We will all die eventually.

I Am...

Dear Diary,

I have told you I have come up with a timetable for myself. I am following it with so much discipline. There are some areas I have to improve but I am doing fine so far. I feel good and I cannot wait to become better day by day. I am ignoring all the negativities in my life and my focus now is to move forward to achieve my goals and surround myself with people who genuinely love me unconditionally. 

There are at least 6 things I must do daily from the moment I open my eyes till the time I call it a day. They are; pray on time five times daily, workout for about 25 minutes, breakfast, shower, housework, read, write and then work on my e-commerce/forex and the next coming up is Uber. Yes Diary, I am so close to completing my process of becoming an Uber family. I will have three streams of income soon. Syukur Alhamdulillah. 

I am loved. I am going to be successful. I am going to be happy. This is the power of "I am". I am blessed. Thank you Allah for making me realise what are my priorities.  

My Mini Whiteboard, Markers and Duster

Dear Diary,

Look what I bought for myself. This will be my reminders.

Let's Be Healthy

Dear Diary,

I am going to tell you how I spent my day today. I woke up at 730 am and skipped Subuh. That was not a good start. My gym session was at 9am and I was kind of lazy to go. I did not take shower and I got dressed for the gym. Halfway through, I failed to find my buff and I was discouraged to go. I moved slowly contemplating to go or not. I looked at the watch and it was 830am. I was halfway dressed. I forgot about my buff and I put on my cap. I thought to myself let’s start the day with some productive activity. Forget about all the miseries and let’s do something good for myself. Think about my goals, think about my dreams. Dreams without goals are just fantasies. To make the dreams into realities, we have to achieve goals we set.

I put on my Nike gym jacket and I made my way to the gym. The gym is walking distance from my house. While walking, I voice chatted to Nad and Sarah. I talked and talked and talked until I cannot talk anymore. I supposed they are the only friends I have that I communicate with the most. We have formed a group chat and there are 3 of us. I have not told you much about them, have I?

Sarah and Nad are a couple. I knew them from my hiking trip to Gunung Irau in Cameron Highlands. We became close from there and we have hiked few mountains together, usually day hike as both of them are not used to carrying loads to hike. I climbed Kinabalu with them, and we went white water rafting together. This end January, I will be hiking Bukit Berekeh with Nad. Sarah cannot make it as she is going for a boathouse tour with her friends. So it will just be Nad and I. I will also climb Rinjani with them and we are going to Lombok together. So you see Diary, if I haven’t known them I would still be going hiking and places but most likely alone by myself. With them around, I have company and it sure good to have company while travelling especially the ones you are comfortable with.

People come into our lives for reasons and people leave for reasons too. Right now, I am appreciating their good companies and friendships. So back to my story, I reached the gym at 9am and the fitness instructor took my body composition readings. It was my first session and I got all my readings done for my body mass index, percent body fat, body weight, lean body mass, body water and basal metabolic rate. I am in a safe zone. My body mass index is 22. I have gained weight, thanks to all the seafood in Sabah and now I am set to lose the weight again. My target weight loss is 5kg in 1 month. I will weigh myself weekly and monitor my progress.

So I did the circuit training and also the vibrations. The fitness instructor told me about the packages they have. This is expected as I signed up for their trial sessions. I remember their prices and I thought to myself, why would I want to pay $599 for 48 sessions of gym training when I can use at the public gym at the neighbourhood stadium for $2 per entry. I signed up for their trial sessions because I wanted to get tips and also do my body composition measurement. Now that I have accomplished my mission, I will enjoy another 2 sessions and then I am out of there. I learn and I remember the tips they gave me so I can apply on my own. I know now that I need to lose my excess bad body fat of 1.6kg. My lean body mass is at 39.7kg. So when I have turned that 1.6kg into lean body mass, I will not have any bad fat left in my body and my lean body mass is increased.  

After the gym session, I went to buy some stationeries. I bought 2 mini whiteboards, markers, stapler and also the whiteboard duster. I am writing down all my daily schedules and things to do on the board and going to hang it on the wall for me to read. They will be my mantras, my motivations to achieve my goals. They will be my guidelines. Forex, e-commerce and uber, these 3 will be my sources of income. My progress will be recorded and will be displayed on the wall. I am going to set myself on fire, burn with positivity and bring success to my family.

So I came home and took shower and mom asked if I wanted to accompany her to a health coaching talk. I had plans today to upload my Sabah holiday photos on Facebook. I feel bad if I decline mom’s offer so I followed her. It was not that bad. I learnt more about health and fitness from the talk. It was conducted by a doctor from the hospital near my home. It was all about healthy eating habits we must develop in order to gain a healthy lifestyle. One good thing I learn from this talk is knowledge and education, do not make you healthy, what actually does is action from you from the education and knowledge you have about health. It makes sense, a lot of sense. I have signed up to be a member of this programme. The next talk will be on 30^th January and I cannot wait. I need to learn and do more. I am all pumped for better health and wealth. World, the giant in me is emerging. I am on a journey of self-discovery, self-respect, self-control and self-love.

A man can stand a lot as long as he can stand himself.  

Watch me Diary. 

Seven Days To Study

Dear Diary,

I failed both papers by 3 points. I was so sad. When I got the result for the 1st paper, I immediately went to the toilet and sat myself down in one of the cubicles. I cried silently and I text mother, nad, sarah, nikita and curly fries. Most of them comforted me except Nikita. I have never cried when I fail at things. This is the first time. I supposed the mood engulfing me these few days have been cloudy as the weather; dark, rain, gloomy, cold and thunderstorm.

I know what is going on in my life. I am trying hard to ignore the emotional well being of myself. Failing these two papers, though it is not the end of the world, it adds on to the existing miseries I already have. I got to let it go. It takes time. Nikita, was not very supportive and I knew I must come to realize that I have done enough to make amends and now I shall stop. 

I have registered to re-sit for the tests on 24th January. I have 7 days to study and I am determined to pass both papers at one sitting. I will let my hair down tonight but I got to burn the midnight oil from tomorrow onwards. I need to pass Diary. I need to become busy again to be productive positively.

I cannot write much. I am tired. I rescheduled my gym session to tomorrow in the morning. I need to sleep. Take care Diary.      

My Tests Are Today

Dear Diary,

The tests are today and I think I have studied and memorised enough. I am just going to go there and take the tests and get the results. I want to pass the tests but I am not sure if I can. I believe I can because I have memorised and studied well. Have I, really? Hahaha Well...I think I have.

Wish me luck and pray that I will pass ok. I really do not want to fail as I have to wait for another 2 months before I can re-take the tests. Please make me pass Allah....please.

Got to go now Diary, you take care alright.

Who Am I to Stand in Your Way (W/ Lyrics) @chestersee

Who Am I To Stand In Your Way

Forgive me
I may have said things
That aren't exactly
The way that I feel

I told you I'd be strong
I said that I've moved on
But it doesn't take long
To realize

That I'm not over you

But if there is somebody that makes you feel happy
Tends to your heart in the ways I'd been lacking
Then who am I, who am I, to stand in your way
Stand in your way
Stand in your way
Stand in your way

I know it sounds crazy
But I need you to trust me
If it's how it must be
Then I'll fade away

When it finally feels true
Do what you have to
Cause I'll never blame you
For not choosing me

But I'm not over you

If there is somebody that makes you feel happy
Tends to your heart in the ways I'd been lacking
Then who am I, who am I, to stand in your way
That I feel is no longer your burden
If there is someone that makes you feel perfect
Then who am I, who am I, to stand in your way
Stand in your way
Stand in your way
Stand in your way

Down the road, someone will ask me if I know you
I'll pause for a moment I'll smile and say that I used to

cause if there is somebody that makes you feel happy
Tends to your heart in the ways I'd been lacking
Then who am I, who am I, to stand in your way
That I feel is no longer your burden
If there is someone that makes you feel perfect
Then who am I, who am I, to stand in your way
Stand in your way
Stand in your way
Stand in your way

Back From Sabah

Dear Diary,

I came back from Sabah on the 12th of January. My flight was delayed for two hours and I had to think of something for my dad. We only had breakfast and rushed to the airport skipping lunch but ironically our flight got delayed. I knew mom and dad were hungry and we were already checked into the boarding gate. Luckily we were allowed to go back to the departure hall and I brought dad to Starbucks, grabbed himself a cup of tea, a chicken pie and 2 packets of chips. Mom waited at the boarding gate, she did not come out with us. Mom did not have anything and I had forgotten to buy her something from Starbucks. I felt really bad about it. But she had mushroom soup on the plane. I did not have anything as I am watching my diet. I have already lost 2 kg from my exercise routine and I do not want to spoil it. 

I am in a bit of a hurry now. I need to study for my Highway Code. The tests are on 16th of January and I have to make sure I pass them. I cannot afford to fail. The one day course for the Highway Code was interesting. I wish I have more time now to tell you stories but I don't. I need to study and do lots of memorising work. Oh, please pray for me I will pass in one sitting ok. Talk to you again soon.  

Got to go now.
Take care Diary. 

Heartfelt Holiday

Dear Diary,

It is 3 am and I woke up from sleep feeling all tired about this holiday. Mother and father are not easy to handle when they are together. Mother being the hot tempered one and father being the pampered and spoilt one. I am in between sandwiched by their two characters. I am tired and on the verge of giving up.

I remained quiet yesterday and went to dinner alone leaving my parents in the hotel room by themselves. I hope they got time to reflect on their behaviours. I hope they know that their daughter is experiencing some roller coaster ride internally herself and if they continue to behave this way, a turbulence or an inferno will occur.

I feel like crying out loud now. I am reminiscing all the holidays I had spent with them. There will always be small fights, small disagreements and arguments over small petty issues. I can always choose to travel alone but it will make me feel bad and lousy for not bringing my parents with me. But when I bring them for holidays, this is what I got. It makes me want to be alone, just by myself so I do not have to entertain little silly stupid unnecessary concerns. So I do not have to witness all the fights, bickerings and talk-back sessions of my parents.

I am thinking of Bali now, and how am I supposed to handle them then. I can only pray to Allah to ease my intentions. I have mellowed down now. I keep my mouth shut usually when the situations are tense. Silence is the best option.

My ticket to Sabah was wasted. It was a silly mistake. Flying babe was supposed to come back to me for the date, I had difficulty editing the dates and then she broke the news to me and now things are hanging in mid air or something. I guess right now, all I need is 'me time'. I need to be with the natural elements, air, water, sun and the moon because they never hurt my feelings. They never have. Humans always do. Even the one who I love most hurts me mercilessly. I miss Hang Jebat. He is always kind to me and that is why I love him. I get along with animals fine. I need to be with them more often than with humans.

I am tired and sad. I need to be alone for awhile and I hope you understand. 

She Came

Dear Diary,

She came into my dream last night. Happiness engulfed me until I woke up from sleep and realised it was not a reality.

From A Distance, 

Me

Let's Celebrate Change

Dear Diary,

I am planning to go snow trekking in December and I have gotten the quotation from a travel agency in India. I might be going to one of the mountains there. It is not a common mountain and definitely, not many people from Malaysia have climbed this mountain. I am excited about this trip even though I have to wait for such a long time. It is until the end of this year and only God knows how patient I have to be. I have made the final preparations for my Sabah trip tomorrow. I will be away for 8 days. I am not excited but I am not going to show it to my parents. This trip is for them and they deserve to be happy regardless what I really am feeling right now. 

Today, I woke up quite late as I found it hard to fall asleep last night. I do not remember what time I dozed off but I kept tossing in bed. I heard my alarm went off and I let it be. For a split second, I told myself I might have to take time off from praying Subuh today but I thought about my resolutions and I got out of bed and dashed to the toilet to take my ablution. Yes, it is not easy to be disciplined to achieve our goals and dreams. We have to put in a lot of hard work and be adamant about doing what we want. We have to be determined and have this fighter spirit in us that we will do what we want to do no matter come what may.

I am determined to get that body Diary and so I will! And that goes the same to all the other of my wishes for 2018. Sometimes, these few days I feel sad thinking about things but I know it is only temporary. I have gone through this and I am stronger than ever. Who can deny of the heartaches of being the subject of choice at someone else’s crossroad? She has to choose either one and if she has already chosen to take which road, she can never go back to the other road. Her choice will come with risks at the expense of you.

Choices will always involve changes. We have choices in everything. We have to embrace changes. If we do not want to change we will become extinct. Life is about making choices and the choices we made will determine our future. We must not be fearful of the decisions we make because when we move beyond our fear, we will feel free. The quicker we let go of the fear, the sooner we find freedom. Noticing small changes early helps you adapt to the bigger changes that are to come. Changes happen, when it happens we must anticipate the changes and then monitor the changes. After that, we must adapt to the changes quickly, move with the changes and most importantly, enjoy the changes.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. If I am not the chosen one, I will still stand still stronger than ever. My spirit may be bruised but it will not be broken. I may cry a river but I will still float in that river. I do not have to make the choice but I know when I am no longer able to change a situation, I am challenged to change myself. Perhaps time changed you, but it did not alter the image I have retained of you in my background but with these changes, I know I will finally have to erase you because having you in the background hinders me from moving forward with my life. The love in me is probably reserved for someone else deserving. I must also change and learn how to love others like how I have loved you. If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. I want to see those butterflies.

PS: The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble.

From A Distance,

Me

Loving Without Reasons

Dear Diary,

I started the day with Subuh and then I work out for about 30 minutes. I jump rope and I do mountain climber. I sweat a lot because the workout is a whole body workout aiming at your cores. Since I started to jump rope, I have lost 0.5kg. That is an improvement because I do not think I can lose that much weight by jogging. Research has shown that skipping for 10 minutes a day is equivalent to jogging for 30 minutes. I breathed heavily after 10 minutes of workout and that shows how effective jumping rope is. I am going to get that body that I want. Have you heard of Agnes Monica? Yes, that’s how I want my body to look like. Not an inch of fats on my body; muscular, well-toned and lean.

I am chatting with Nad and Sarah now. They are probably the only friends I have who know about my love life now. I mean, they are the ones who are close to me. I hike with them and I share my stories with them. I have only known them for 1 year and look how close we have become. I am comfortable with them and vice versa. Ironically, they are a friend of my friend who I have known for 15 years but I am closer to Sarah and Nad than she. I guess birds of a feather flock together. Sarah, Nad and I share the same wavelength. We respect each other and we get along very well.

They know what is going on in my life. Nad can give good pieces of advice. She is younger than I am but when it comes to stories of love, she is an ace. I am not good at love. I suck at it and guess what, they both agree. They said I give up easily when it comes to love and I ought to fight for what I believe is mine. I almost choke laughing. They told me to take it seriously like how I hike the mountains. Most of my hiking friends look up to me. I am not the fastest but I am always consistent. I often push myself to the limit when I hike and brave the most difficult terrain when I climb the mountain but why can’t I be like that when it comes to love. I have natural leadership qualities but why can’t I show it in my love relationships. They question me. I remained quiet. I supposed I have my own reasons. I don’t know how to counter them and I let them carry on talking and putting some sense into my weak brain.

My life has taught me that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. As much as I want her to know that I love her so much, I am not sure if she shares the same visions as I do.  She said we have different perspectives on lives. She said, she can be that woman but eventually, she will quit. I did not ask her to elaborate. So you see, you have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. And then you got to ask yourself, I love her because she is beautiful, or is she beautiful because I love her? For you see, each day you love her more, today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. We all know that the art of love... is largely the art of persistence, now how far are you willing to be persistent? 

PS: To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.

From A Distance,

Me

My 2018 Goals

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year. It is 2018 and I have written down the things I want to do and the things I want to have. Like I said, writing them down means I am serious about it. The list consists of intrinsic and extrinsic values such as hobbies, finance, health & fitness, materials and spiritual.

Under hobbies, I included the number of mountains I want to climb and where are those mountains. There are 10 new mountains I want to climb in Malaysia, and I will climb Rinjani in Indonesia, Fuji in Japan and hopefully Mount Apo in the Philippines.

For finance, I have listed down my ideal income per month from E-commerce, Forex and Uber. I have not started Uber yet but I will soon. I am targeting a total combined income of USD4000 monthly. Uber will be in SGD while E-commerce and Forex will be in USD. However, you do realise I have to work hard at it. It will not come easy. Opening up a company will be in the pipeline as I need to register my income. This is for my plan to apply for Malaysia My second Hope Programme. The process could be long as it will involve loads of money and I am working on it.

For materials, I am focusing on getting my house keys by September 2018 and I want to buy a Toyota Harrier or a Toyota Fortuner by June 2018. I will pay by cash. I do not want to take a loan as it will be troublesome for me. I need to get a local guarantor and there will be a lot of paperwork and documents for me to submit. Buying the car in cash is the best option. I am not sure what I am going to do with Avanza. If I am getting a Fortuner, I think I might sell Avanza away and if I am getting a Harrier, I might keep Avanza. What do you think Diary? I have to make a choice when the time comes. Keeping two cars can be costly since I will not be driving them often. Annually, there will be road tax and insurance I have to renew and why do I need two cars when I will be in Singapore most of the time? With a house I can call my own and a car in Singapore, I think I will spend more time in Singapore. I can visit mom and dad in Tangkak every weekend, right? Oh well, we will see about it.

Under spiritual, I want to pray 5 times daily on time. I want to be punctual in my prayers and I want to memorise Doa Qunut. I want to score more pahala when I pray Subuh. I have come out with a plan, I will memorise a single line daily and when I finally memorise all of the lines, I will recite those lines one by one and there you go. See Diary…we have to be creative and innovative.

Under health & fitness, I want to lose 5 kg. I want to have a well-toned biceps and triceps. I want to lose belly fat and have 8 packs. I want stronger core muscles to climb the mountains and a lean and trim body. It is an all women’s gym where no men are allowed. I am excited. My first lesson will be on 14^th of Jan. I signed for the trial lesson and if I am comfortable with it, I think I might sign up for the membership and engage myself a personal fitness trainer. I need to have one in the beginning so I know what to do to build those muscles.  

Now, let’s see what else do I have? Oh wait, what about love? There is no resolution for Love. Who has a resolution for love anyway? It sounds funny. Oh what the heck, I wish I can find a woman who loves me genuinely, who does not mind long distance relationship, who plan with me on my dreams to move to Malaysia, who motivates me to execute my plan, who inspires me unconditionally, who loves me when I am broke and loves me more when I am rich, who gives me a virtual morning kiss everyday, who speaks to me to my heart, who would drive 5 hours just to see me, who would travel the world on a budget with me, who would eat from the same plate, drink from the same cup and sleep in the same bed, who would pray for the same things with me, who would work together to become better Muslims with me, who would accept my weaknesses and strengthens my strengths, who hugs me when I am sad, who touch my heart with her kindness that only I can feel, who would wait patiently for me to come home come what may; and I promise her that I will do the same. Are they too much Diary? I do not think so…those are the simple things in life that must exist in every relationship but we all know I am never going to achieve it. I never will. 

Pray for me and pray for the world, Diary