Afraid of Losing

Dear Diary,

I studied for my Highway Code test all day long. In between, I memorise the third line of Doa Qunut. I have remembered the first three lines well now and tomorrow, I will memorise the fourth line. I am excited actually to complete the memorising process of this Doa. If I can remember it well, it would mean so much to me. I know I can because I memorised Ayat Kursi spontaneously and also Doa Selamat both at the same time. I did not even plan to memorise them but I happened to recite both Doas daily and somehow I memorise them naturally.

My brother died and so after his death, I became religious in some way. Reading Ayat Kursi and reciting the Doa Selamat after prayers became my habit and I think, after one full month they are in my head. I did not have to refer to the books. They are in my head and they flow out of my mouth without me having to work hard recalling every verse. Can you see the miracles that practice can do to you? They surely can do magic. I suppose that is what it means when people say practice makes perfect. I certainly have to apply this to Forex and E-Commerce.

How are you Diary? I hope you are good and happiness is engulfing you. My test for the Highway Code is on the 24^th of January. It is on Wednesday. I have three full days to study the remaining chapters. I have two more chapters, I will complete them tomorrow. I will do my revision on Monday and Tuesday. There is a boy who asked me to meet up on Monday and Tuesday to study together. I do not like that idea because I know I cannot focus if I study outside. It is noisy and a lot of distractions. I cannot concentrate and I think I will decline his offer. He is young, about 24 years old. When I told him my age, he was in disbelieve. Well, who can blame him? I got that a lot actually.

I went to a health coaching talk last week and it was only for those 40 years old and above. The nurse looked at me and asked if I am above 40, I said yes and she seemed hesitant to believe me and asked for my identification jokingly. I would have willingly obliged if she was serious about it. I think I take after mother. She is 66 years old and she does not look her age. She looks 50 and I know for sure, I got her genes. I really am her reproduce.

I inherited her looks as well as her temper. My eloquence comes from her and my high spirit is a courtesy of her too. Nowadays, I wonder what would happen to me if I were to lose mother. I came to know that a friend lost her mother a few days ago. She used to be close to me although she is in Malaysia and I am in Singapore. I always hang out with her whenever I came to Kuala Lumpur to chill. We are not that close anymore but we still keep in touch. I have not had the chance to ask her well being and so I wonder if she is broken inside. I am sure she is because it is not easy to lose a mother.

I would be heartbroken. I think I would be scared like a lost little puppy in a big world. Mother is my backbone. We have our equal shares of misunderstandings, quarrelling, disagreements and falling-out but I still come back home to mother when I am down. I do not share my stories with her but I know I just needed to be physically close to her for me to feel calm and serene. When love hit me hard, I took it to heart. Knowing I still have my mother to love me despite losing the woman I have always love, I still feel blessed. If she is gone, I think I would be the daughter with the broken lost soul crying to sleep in frenzy and I know no one else can soothe me like one warm mother-kiss dried the little-wet eyes and stilled the little-troubled heart of mine.

I cannot envision when the time comes and how I am going to face it. I am fearful Diary. I do not show my emotions openly. I do not know how. If people were to ask me how am I, notwithstanding all the sadness and broken I feel deep down inside my heart, I would still smile and say I am doing ok. I suppose most of us grieve behind closed doors because that is when we are most contented to show our truest sentiments. There are some grieves so loud, they could bring down the sky and there are grieves so still, none knows how deep they lie, endured and never expended.

I supposed when the time comes, I still have you to write my sad stories from the heart.

Take care Diary