generosity comes with a price

dear diary,

i had a hair cut and it is very short. *giggles* it is short like demi moore in ghost. u remember that movie? yeah, it is like that now and i look like a school girl. it is ok, i like wearing my hair short now cos it is easy to maintain with less hassle. i didn't colour it cos i want to give my hair a rest. too much colouring is bad and it can spoil the condition of your hair. i am taking supplements now to enhance my hair growth and texture. you know, i noticed a change about me since i took the supplements. i don't know if it is good but it is quite obvious and i assume it is doing something to my body systems and it is discharging the toxic away.

i did some research about primrose oil and most of the facts i read claim that it is good for the overall well-being of the body. it is called the 'cure-all' supplements in america. researches have said that it cannot totally heal all illnesses but it can help to combat and prevent any illnesses from occuring. it reduces the possibility of a person contracting an illness. it is said that it is recommended to take primrose oil with vitamin E. it stimulates the process of enhancing one's health to take into effect. i am thinking of taking something that can make my bones strong. asthma recommended me calcium pills but i am just worried about the brand. it's from those multi level marketing brand and i am just not sure if it's reliable.

i know that calcium is essential to have strong bones but it's just the product brand that worries me. i would feel safer if it comes from a well known establish brand name. at least, if there are discrepancies i know where to go to lodge a complaint. when we are talking about health matters, it is not something one can take lightly. it's true that even doctors make mistake but knowing that you are consuming health products from a recognised body is important because there are many cases where discrepencies are found in factories which make all these health products. i probably have to turn down her offer and stick to nature's farm products.

chicken pie called me last night while i was at the toilet. i had to rush to my room to answer the call. we didn't talk much cos i was engrossed with the americal idol and i didn't really pay attention to her. i was such a jerk last night. it was only halfway through the conversation that i asked about her. geeez, it was so lame. i felt bad with her and i wish i could do something to make it up to her. oh wait a minute, i am suppose to courier her toothbrush for her bithday gift. yeahh, oh wait diary don't go thinking that i am a cheapskate. this toothbrush is not the ordinary toothbrush, it's the battery operated toothbrush. it cost more than 30 bucks and it can be an ideal birthday gift. i need to meet hulk for a favour to courier it to chicken pie. it's cheaper using his staff's discount privilege.

you know diary, sometimes i don't know if i am just generous, kind or plain stupid. i have invested many times on things that do not proved to be worthwhile. i was so blinded by lust. thinking back, i realised how easy it was for me to allow myself to overspend on girls. i have this anger inside me you know. the only girl that didn't make me pay was flying waitress. she paid for everything and i felt indebted to her. it's not that i wanted to but i had no other choice cos i was a student when i met her and i was broke. i intend to bring her out to dinner for that famous sop tulang at beach road or anywhere just so i could repay her kindness but it never happened because of some unforeseen circumstances which turned me off completely. i hope she is blessed with happiness and success with all her undertakings.

you know diary, i am beginning to hate the idea of having a relationship. i don't know but i just hate it so much now. it's probably because of my experiences and they are all lousy and bad experiences. thinking about how much i spent and got nothing out of it really annoyed me. how could i be so stupid like that. the funny thing is, not only did i have to spend when they were here but i also have to spend when i was there. so regardless of where i was, i still have to keep spending money. even when they were not my girlfriend, i still have to fork out my own money for them when they were here.

the thing is this diary, i am not regretting it but i am just pissed sometimes. have you ever thought this to yourself? it is like, you are naturally generous and you offer to pay for almost everything and then, you just get unlucky because people take advantage of your generosity. people get so used to you paying that they don't have to worry about money anymore because they know you are around to pay for them. do you get what i mean?

friendships or relationships should not be having that kind of trust. friends and couples must have a mutual understanding that cost should be shared accordingly and must not expect one party to be paying only for the rest of the entire lifetime of the relationships. even married couples are splitting the bills and the cost to pay for a living, what more people like us who do not have any written agreement to legalise our togetherness. i have seen marriages failed because of financial issues and i have come across wives seeking divorces from their husbands because the husbands do not carry out their responsibility to the family and living out of the wives salary. it's pathetic isn't it?

i had a friend, she wanted to come here but told me she's broke so i offered her free lodging and meals, nothing fancy just simple ones. the next thing i knew she was shopping for shoes when i came to fetch her. i didn't get her and i chose not to ask. there are some good friends though, they are the ones i guess i will not be so calculative with. i guess there are two groups of people in your life that you must meet. we have the calculative and the not so calculative ones. so i think we just have to know how to carry ourselves with them. we cannot be generous with everybody otherwise people will take advantage and we must never allow that to happen.

i have learnt my lessons and i have written a list of names and divided them into categories. i will make it a guide for me to follow on who i can be generous with and who i can't. *giggles* it sounds terrible but believe me, this is what life is all about. you don't let people bully you financially, psychologically and mentally. i am not stingy diary, but i have had enough. at some point in your life, you will realise that being nice and generous is not the main key to ultimate happiness. you lose some and you win some. you got to be nice sometimes and bad sometimes. everything has to balance up and if you have to be selective to whom you want to be nice with, then by all means go ahead because not everybody will be nice and generous to you too.

do you know that i missed everwood on tv last night? gosh, i think i am really tired because i have missed two of my favourite late night dramas this week which has never happened before. i missed the practice and i missed everwood. i was awake but i fell asleep just when the dramas started. i feel uneasy and awkward. i am not going to miss them again next week and i am going to make sure i won't. i feel so angry with myself for missing them, i feel that i have betrayed them and i must do something to make it up to them. they don't have everwood and the practice on vcds so i can't buy them.

CSI has its dramas on vcds and i wish the practice and everwood would have too. i have to sleep early tonight cos i have to wake up early tomorrow for my driving class. i wouldn't want to be late again for my class. i have to be punctual and if possible arrive 10 minutes earlier. i am really excited now and i cannot wait to complete the course. i have checked with my friend in jb and she agrees to teach me driving using her car. i am paying her RM50 for 2 hours and i think it is worth it. i just need to practice on parallel parking and going uphill and downhill. i really need to get it right and to practice on safe driving because the tester will emphasised on safe driving techniques other than your smooth driving skills. i really hope to pass it at first try because i don't want to have to fork out anymore money.

i need to focus in saving enough money for my school now. can't really spend on unnecessary things. i have been wise in spending my money nowadays and i can see i am more discipline. i guess furthering my studies and moving out of singapore are my inspirations and i know that it's not possible to do so unless i have enough funds in my bank. everytime i feel like shopping, i will wait and freeze myself for 1 minute and think carefully if it is really worth it, everytime i see something nice to wear, i will stop to think of the existing clothes i have in my wardrobe and that stops me from buying. come to think of it, i have plenty of clothes that's not worn enough and i don't really need anymore new clothes.

i read somewhere that people usually buy on impulse. it is called impulsive shopping where they don't really need the products but they are lured to buy with attractive discounts and good looking products that caught their attention. for filthy rich people, it is okay to shop on impulse but for ordinary folks like me, it is not something that we can often afford to do. we have to cut our coat according to the cloth we have. i think i will still be a simple woman even if i am rich. i just see that i have one significant quality in my life that hates to waste on things. i hate to waste on water, electricity, tissue paper, food, in fact everything. i know myself and i guess this is my plus point. whatever that i can save, i will save but at the same time i am also not being stingy. i just need to be cautious with my spending habit.

oh diary, that sabah girl replied my email, wait, i think let's call her sandakan shall we? sandakan replied my email and she told me how badly she wants to be a lawyer and was so dissapointed when she couldn't get into the pre law programme at UITM last year. she is trying again for the degree course at UITM and i hope she gets it. i replied her back and i advise her on other options available for her. i hope she will do some research and study first and keeps her options open instead of narrowing her chances. from the moment i read her email, i knew she is sincere. it's hard to get someone to be sincere with you especially after two chat sessions. she seems to chat everyday probably because she has all the time in the world to herself. her application result to UITM will be released in early July.

i don't think she is working temporarily. i wish i would have her luxury to oversleep myself and bum around at home. i really need that kind of luxury right now. this year is tough for me, i got so many things to achieve and the most crucial part about that is, i must achieve it this year otherwise i will never forgive myself. i am working hard right now and i have never seen myself work so hard like this. i have to make it this year by hook or by crook. i have refrain myself from shopping, from leisure, from entertainment and from any other influence that might slows down my progress. i have been praying to god to make my dream a reality and to smoothen my journey to success. i am confident that i can make it there this year. i just need to stay focus and pray.

there's a new tv in my room

dear diary,

little sister called yesterday and we talked for about 1 hour i think. i told her not to waste her money on phone bills with me but she insisted to talk to me. she told me that people will die one day and when her condition is still in question even after the transplant, she does not see a reason for her to be thrifty. she said something like 'i will die someday so why do i need to save money? other people will get to use my money instead of me when i die so when i am alive, i might as well use up my money...' she made sense and it's logical for her to say that but it hit me kind of hard. i felt so sad. i could feel the tears welled up in my eyes. i just felt so upset when i heard that. i know people will die someday but i just don't want to hear about it. i don't want to feel it all over again.

i was close to tears but i held it back just like when i heard about my late brother. sometimes, when you have grown emotionally attached to someone even if they are strangers, you will feel for them. that's how i feel about little sister. she has dissapeared in my life before but she came back, i am not sure for how long she's staying this time but i know she will always look for me if she ever goes missing again. it is very sad to hear something like that said from your loved ones. i can only cry in silence for her. i don't want to lose anyone dear to me anymore. make my little sister safe wherever she is please.

did i tell you the TV in my room broke down and i have not been watching tv in my room for 3 nights already? i missed The Practice on TV on tuesday and that was such a shame. i feel asleep in my room and woke up just in time to catch it, but i was too tired to get out of bed to go to the hall outside and i continured sleeping. imagine if the tv in my room was not out of order, i could have watched it from bed. i found out that the TV in my room was out of order on sunday evening. i was watching the animal planet when out of a sudden, it switched off on its own. it gave the impression that the tube blew up inside and i couldn't switched it on anymore.

i knew it has to go and i have to get a new one. i didn't do anything about it on monday because i just thought to wait for a day or two before deciding on what to do. i am contemplating on whether to buy a new one or to get this one repaired. getting it repaired would be cheaper but there is a risk of it getting out of order again. remembering that i bought the tv from a second hand tv shop, the risk of spending more money on repair work is very thick. furthermore, i have used the tv for almost 2 and a half years and i only paid 200 bucks for it. it is 21 inch and to buy a 21 inch tv for a 200 bucks is considered something very cheap. so last night, i was window shopping at northpoint and went to harvey norman. i knew that televisions in singapore are getting cheaper and cheaper.

i browsed through the models they have and one caught my attention. i decided to settle for a 21 inch cos i am so used to big screen tv. the delivery charge was at 30 bucks plus installations and the setting up of channels. the one that i picked was going at 199 bucks, it was on sale while stocks last. i decided not to have it delivered instead i am going to pay cash and carry. coincidentally, my brother called me and we arranged to meet at northpoint. i got the TV home and installed it myself. it was easy cos the tv has auto search and auto register channels function so i did not have to manually store the channels into the tv. it was made easy with the cable tv channel box. the channels are all registered in seconds and it's ready for viewing. hang tuah was as usual, always gets excited over something new at home. he ran in and out of my room with high speed and jumps on top of the old tv. when he gets so excited, his ears will be pulled back and whenever he runs he will make a sound like a car screeching. i can only watched him in amusement. he can be such a clown sometimes and you can never be angry with him.

i was happy when the new tv is ready for viewing. i am back to my old habits and i am so happy to be able to watch The OC, the practice, one tree hill, ER, desperate housewives, the amazing race and many more dramas from the convenience of my bed.

oh, i sent an email to the girl from sabah. it was just a short message. i didn't want to get online in IRC but somehow i just wanted to see if she was around and she was. i chatted up with her and she told me she waited for me last night but i was not around. i never remembered making any virtual date with her but it was nice to know that someone waited for you just so she could chat with you. i am not really excited anymore but i still wanted to know about this girl. it is true that she is the youngest child in her family and all of her siblings are married. i am beggining to get to know her little by little.

i asked her about marriage, about her plan to further her studies, about her family and about her options if she does not get into the University to do her law. she might not move to KL if she does not get a place in the Uni, so she will stay in sabah. i really wonder how does she look like. i never asked her for her number, never asked her for a picture and i never asked her about her outlooks. we never touched on personal stuffs, it's just casual conversations one have in the process of getting to know. she seems nice and i hope she gets a place in the University to pursue her law degree. it is not for me to know her but i just want her to be given the opportunity i think she deserves.

i should have told her she has other options to pursue law if she does not get into the public uni. probably in my next email to her i will give her some options for her to do if she really wants to do law. that will probably help her keep her options open and to know that to make her dreams a reality is not difficult if she knows her way around apart from meeting the minimum requirements. you need to do a lot of homework before you embark on your journey. it's good to be prepared and have the informations at your finger tips.

oh diary, i have to go. little sister is calling me again, she can be stubbornly adorable sometimes. told her not to call me anymore but she still does. i think she wants to make up for what she has done to me. she seems to think that she has been neglecting me and was not always there for me when i was in need of her. i can understand how she feels but i feel bad if i ever answer her phone calls. that will result in her having high phone bills. i have been there and it was painful to pay almost 50 percent of your earnings to bills. oh oh, she text me now and sounded angry that i didn't pick up her calls.

i think she is sulking now. oh geezz, i wish i had pick up her call just now. i put my phone on silence mode and if i do not watch the phone i wouldn't know someone is calling me. i was busy too just now and i have explained that to her. i hope she understands and learn to be a little more understanding. little sister is the youngest in the family and believe me, she is pampered to the core. she sulks easily and she can be fragile as china if not taken care of properly. i think she is like hang tuah a bit, naughty but very adorable. *laughing* she is okay now, back to her self. sometimes, i really wish i were infront of her so i can do whatever i can to make it up to her. i would probably be trying hard not to laugh infront of her cos i never really take people seriously when they sulk.

it just makes me more ticklish at heart and the more they sulk the more i want to tease them. i can be very mischievious and there's no one better to tease than someone who is sulking. it would be such an honour to do that. little sister asked what do i want for my birthday and i just don't know how to answer her. i am not used to people asking me like that and even if they do, i have no idea what to ask. it is just my nature to hate being asked what i want for a gift. i have always believed in getting something i want on my own with my own money. i am like that since young and i like to be that way.

diary, i am thinking of my late brother. i am remembering the days when he was a kid. i am remembering of the time we spent when we were young. i remember how he took care of me when our parents had to go to work to make ends meet. i am remembering everything about him. i feel very depressed, my heart is beating with sadness and pain. i cannot say anymore diary, i have said enough but enough is never enough. i was wondering if there is anything i could do to bring him back. i miss him so much like a young child craving for his dead mother. i wish he were still here with us,i wish he were still alive. i am still upset over his death. i am so heartbroken diary..*sigh*

don't know what i am thinking

dear diary,

i am beginning to have second thoughts on taking up the skating temporary job. my toe is not showing any sign of recovery and i don't have the confidence that it will heal before the the job starts. i can always begin the week after next but that only allows me to earn less than 200 bucks. i don't know but i will send my application anyway and see how it goes from there. the only thing exciting about the job is to be able to enjoy your hobby while you earn. other plus point probably to make more skaters friends and they are all girls!! i hope they are pretty and sexy and share the same sexual preference as i do. i think no butch this time cos the requirement is to wear a tennis skirt, and i think the uniform scares butch away. that is a relief sign at least.

i went shopping for supplements this afternoon and i bought Nature's Farm Evening Primrose Oil and also B-complex. i need something for my hair, skin and energy enhancement. i only planned to buy the B-Complex which is good for energy and vitality, it also contains ingredients for hair growth enhancement and helps strengthened hair roots. i was offered to be a member and get 10 percent discount on every purchase. since i have to buy the supplements often it is worth to be a member.

i have to spend about 70 bucks to qualify for the members so i had to look for other products when i was recommended to Evening Primrose Oil. i read the brochures and roughly know a bit about its benefits and it is one of the most sellable products.it is rich in Gamma Linoleic Acid, an essential oil with many health benefits to keep your body in balance. it is excellent for women's health and beautiful skin. my cousin takes it daily and i can see a difference in her complexion and so i was convinced and bought it.

it was rather expensive but since it provides up to 3 months supply, it is still cheap if you break down the price. furthermore, they are having a promotion of buy one get one free and that is something you wouldn't want to miss when you jolly well know it's good for your health. actually i wanted to shop for clothes and when i stop for one minute to think of all the clothes in my wardrobe, i changed my mind and think of what i really need to buy. i thought of supplements and after much thinking, i decided it's more worth it to spend on something which can enhance your health. at least it will do you good and it is a lifetime investment.

i noticed that my family is now more concern about health and they are not afraid to spend on products if they think it's worth the money. i guess what happen to my late brother is a blessing in disguise because most of us give number one priority to our health now. oh hahaha..little sister called me!!! little sister called me!!! hahaha..bye diary got to talk to her...take care !!

it's gone now

dear diary,

guess what happend to me over the weekend? the pain in my toe was getting very excruciating and i decided to go to the polyclinic again for advise and hoping to have the ingrown toe nail removed. unfortunately, my toe was in bad condition to do a surgery according to the doctor. she gave me anti biotics and some washing solution to wash the wound. she didn't take a look at my toe throughly, she didn't even touch it. i am beginning to wonder if the doctors at polyclinic are just a lazy bunch of doctors who couldn't care much about patients. dissapointed with the doctor's advise, i went straight to Tan Tock Seng Hospital accidents and emergency dept. the doctor took a thorough look at my toe.

i was not sure if it was just his nature to be rough with his patient cos he is a man or he does it everyday till he doesn't think that pain is an agony. he touched my toe like as though there wasn't any wound on it. he poked my toe nail as if i were a bionic woman who can stand pain. as i was lying there on the bed, i never fail to feel like lifting my feet and slammed it in his face and see if he is bionic enough not to feel the pain. he told me that i might got an infection and he also took my blood sample to check for diabetes. it was scary when he told me that, all these while the doctors at the polyclinic didn't show any signs that it could get serious so i really did not prepare myself for the possibility of my toe getting infections or diagnosed with any serious disease. after my blood sample was tested, it was negative and i was relieved.

i was confident that the chances of me being a diabetic is slim judging from my eating habits but still, the thought that i was being tested for diabetes can be quite disturbing. the doctor then asked if i had taken any medications given by the polyclinics and i told them what i know. he brought his superior and showed him my toe and yes, he confirmed that i have a slight infection. he immediately scheduled me for a surgery and my god, my heart beat so fast that i think i could have ran 100 km per hour. i have always been afraid of hospitals you know. hospitals freak me out, i never like to be examined by the doctors. since i was young, going to the clinic or hospitals scared me and i can still feel it till now.

the operation theatre was very cold and bright. that was my first time in it and i felt like one of the patients in that medical drama ER. it was funny, i let my imaginations run wild a bit to distract myself from all the needles, the knives, the blades and whatever. the doctor injected some anaesthetic into my feet. it was painful, i never thought that injections could be that painful. the pain was bad and waiting for the anaesthetic to be injected into my body felt like forever and once it is all in, i had to endure another pain when the doctor pulled out the needle from my body.

i just wished that it was a lady doctor who had done the surgery on me. it sure feel good to be touched by a woman especially woman with brain. you know, i have always admired women professionals. i think they are sexy no matter what size they are. the doctors at the polyclinic are mostly women and one of them caught my attention. she's sweet and pretty and probably will make me one of the regular at the polyclinics. unfortunately, we cannot choose our doctors and that is definitely a drawback to their business. ha ha ha...

i was supposed to rest and avoid from moving a lot after the surgery but i completely went against the doctor's advise. i went to JB with my family and came back at 2 in the morning. my toe was hurting because i knew the anaesthetic has finished and i began to walk like a tortoise. every step hurts so much that i have to be careful not to shake my toe too much when walking. the bandaged doesn't help cos it doesn't cushion every movement i made while walking. in the end, i had to endure everything since i left the painkillers at home. many passers by looked at my toe when i was walking.

some even asked me what happened and i told them politely with a smile on my face. i had difficulty explaining because many of them did not understand 'ingrown toe nail' and i have no idea what we call it in malay until mum sait it's *thinking* oh geess, i forgot what it's called in malay...it sounds something like, 'ciku' is it? or 'caku', 'cagu' or whatever but i think i am close. i swear i never heard of that word before, even taj mahal said it once to me but i didn't know what was it and when i asked her, she teased me about not knowing what it was when malay is my mother tongue language. when i came back from JB, my temperature was high and i was down with fever again. it was bad and it was really bad. i quickly took my medicine and went straight to bed shivering.

little sister text me and said she's getting for me something on my birthday. i am really touched with her effort and knowing the fact that she remembers my birthday really overwhelmed me. she's getting for me something that she hopes will make me remember her. honestly, what i really want is for her to be with me through thick and thin. i want to be her best friend and her sister now, tomorrow and forever. i don't want to lose this relationship i have with her anymore.

you know what diary, i chatted with someone last night. i never thought it would turn out to be an enjoyable conversation. she's 22 years old. she's from sabah just like little sister and she's kadazan. from the conversation i had with her, i can sense that she's pampered. she could be the youngest child probably or perhaps not the youngest child but the only girl in the family. she left me her email address and told be she wants to keep in touch. i never left her with anything. no numbers, no email, no MSN or YM ID. i just let it be. i intend to send her an email soon though. she seems nice and she told me she's applying to study law and i hope she will make it cos if she does, she will be in KL and that makes it even more easier for me to reach her. i might be leaving end of this year and that makes it all so perfect to develop a friendship with her. i wonder how she looks like and how tall is she. kadazans usually are fair skinned aren't they? they almost look like chinese or nepalese.

i remembered when i was in sabah climbing kinabalu, everybody thought i was a nepalese. it could be the weather i supposed. cold and sunny with fresh air makes all the cheeks go rosy naturally. i saw many kadazans there, and they all looked friendly, a little of chinese and nepalese looks. she must be pretty, perhaps with rosy cheeks. ahhhh...sounds inviting. ha ha ha...i hope she wears her hair long and has good taste in fashion. i get turn off easily with girls having bad dressings.

i never expect a supermodel but the least she has to do is to be moderately fashionable and please don't be untidy. you know diary, i got to know one girl and my friendship with her has gone from friendship to an affair but it was shortlived. she was untidy but she was nice. i don't mind everything else if she is nice but what i couldn't stand was, she likes to belittle people in a way that makes her feel superior when she is no better. i don't really understand her motives but i got turned off. i accepted her the way she is but i noticed she does not accept me the way i am. things got a little out of hand, misunderstandings occur too much and too often. i stayed away from her.

it's just so scary, it gives me nightmare sometimes. as much as i want to safe the friendship, i also have to think if it is worth it. sometimes, people can be like food you know. you stay away from certain food because either you hate it or the food can be hazardous to your health. you stay away from certain people not always because you hate them but you just want to avoid trouble with them because if you have too much contact with them, they can be a disease to your life. a man have to do what a man have to do in the best interest of himself. don't worry about anyone else because you cannot guarantee that they will think of you if they are face with the same situations like you. there are a lot of selfish people out there if you bother to search. you just have to be observant enough.

i absent myself from my quran class on saturday. i think while they were busy reciting the quran i was busy tolerating the pain coming from my toe at the hospital. i must make sure i attend the class next week though. i cannot afford to skip anymore class. module 2 is a bit difficult than module 1 and it takes lots of concentration and attention. the class is bigger and it makes me feel like a stranger. many of the students from module 1 carry on to module 2 but i have not seen all of them in the first class of module 2. i guess they just absent themselves knowing full well nothing is learnt much during first lesson.

oh you know what, skateline sent me an email about a temporary job for women skaters. it states, 'girl skaters wanted'. it is for an entertainment company in orchard road. job description is to skate along orchard road while giving out flyers. it can be fun and exciting and i am sure most of my colleagues would be girls cos they only need female skaters. uniform will be provided, it's tennis skirt and a polo t. i have never worn a tennis skirt before but i am sure it's going to be cool working and skating at the same time. furthermore i have not been skating for a long time since my toe gave way.

it's healing now and i guess i can take it up for that extra cash. they pay between S$6-16 per hour. it's only a 3 hour job per weekend from 2.30pm to 5.30pm. i think it is along orchard road that we have to skate. orchard road will be crowded during those times and i bet we don't have to skate much and far. i doubt lots of skating is necessary since the area will be crowded. i have to reply the email with my particulars and pictures before 28th april. i think they need us for only 5 weekends but i am only available on sunday and not saturday. wonder if they would take me. i'm going to send my reply anyway and see what they have to offer me. i have to do it tonight before the deadline. i have some extra cash to take up the advanced skate lessons. i want to do it this weekend perhaps. it's been long ignored and it's high time i should give it a thought.

oooppss i did it again..

dear diary, i wouldn't say that i have made a mistake but i would say that i have been careless. as much as i wanted it to happen, i am also afraid for it to happen. i am afraid because somebody might get hurt and i don't want her to get hurt but at the same time, i cannot help it because i like the idea of A going steady with me.

the mistake i made was to get involve with more than one girl in one period. i am not looking for fun or out to hurt people's feelings but i just like women's company. i enjoy it very much and sometimes i get too carried away with it. i don't really know how to describe it but i am sorry for myself and them sometimes. i wish i could undo what i have done. they are waiting for me to come there for good and from my instincts, they might even consider of going steady. i feel so lousy sometimes, i feel like executing myself.

diary, how are you doing? i am yawning away as a result of not having sufficient sleep. as i am writing to you, i cannot stop to day dream frequently getting distracted with the yawns. i am tired diary and very sleepy too. if i may, i will drop myself to the floor and sleep right there right now, unfortunately i can't. diary, i am wondering what could aramis be doing right now. is she thinking of me like how i am thinking of her? it's amazing that i can still feel for her even after all these times.

6 years of having on and off long distance relationship, it's really something. i don't really know what does she want from me now. she's had me too many times but she just put it to waste. i am tired of proposing and tired of waiting. whoever replaces me, i wish them success. i don't know what to write anymore. my eyes are tired, my brain is not functioning like it's supposed to, my fingers are numb from the cold weather and i have been yawning since i started writing. it's time to turn in to bed. please excuse me diary, i will write to you again tomorrow when my energy suffices to write.

i'm sick, tired, sad, busy thinking of everything

dear diary,

last night was a very bad night for me. it has been a very long time since i felt that way. i came down with fever and i could feel the heat in my body. my body was warm and everytime i exhale, i could feel the hot air coming out of my nostrils. it was really bad you know, never have i felt so sick before. i took panadols after dinner but the pain still exists and it dragged into the night leaving me with little time to sleep. i kept woking up every 2 hours to pee and i have no idea why did i pee so much last night.

i couldn't remember i drank lots of water but yet the feeling to pee is so immediate that i woke up because of the discomfort. my head was spinning and it was pounding, i was shivering and i curled up sleeping. i have had fever many times this year but this time round is the worse. i couldn't sleep and always felt very cold till i had to cover my whole body with the blanket. the air conditioner and the fan were switched off but i still felt very cold, very chill like as though i had come out of the refrigerator.

i remember it was about 8 times altogether that i had to wake to answer nature call. i have never been in a position like that before. the funny thing is i didn't drink enough plain water to make my bladder active like that. everytime i got up, i felt very dizzy, my joints hurt, my back ache and i had to walk so slow like i was an old woman running out of energy. my head felt so heavy that i couldn't even lift it up and i felt as though it was falling to the floor. i think i only spent a total of 3 hours sleeping and when it was closer to 6 am, i was able to sleep comfortably because only then i started to sweat and that made my body becomes less heaty.

my back still hurts and my joints still weak but i have taken panadols this morning and i hope i will recover soon. i don't know why i am attacked with fever cos i didn't get caught in the rain. probably i have been turning in to bed so late lately.

blame it on all the late night tv dramas TCS5 is showing. i wonder why TCS5 has to play good dramas on tv at an ungodly hour. desperate housewives is showing every monday at 10 pm and ends at 11pm. on tuesday night, CSI is on tv at 10pm followed by The Practice at 11pm. wednesday evening plays amazing race at 1050pm right after american idol, and then ER at 12am. on thursday evening, it's The OC at 1030pm, followed by One Tree Hill at 1130pm and then Everwood at 1230am.

i am an avid follower and great fans of all the dramas and i never missed them so you can say my bed time is almost 2am every tuesday to thursday evening. it has taken its toll on me and my body is getting worn out. i am not getting any younger and i guess i have to take extra care with my body. i need to take supplements food for the joints and muscle. Royal Jelly is good, my parents take Royal Jelly and Omega Fish Oil for better digestive system.

i haven't been skating you know diary. it has been a month now. my toe nail is not getting better and it still hurts. it has recovered but it is happening again. i cannot skate cos it hurts, even right now, i am wearing my sneakers but the toe is pounding and i can't walk as per normal. it's such an inconvenience for me. it slows down my walking speed and i have to be extra careful when i put on my shoes and when i am wearing jeans cos everytime the wounded toe comes in contact with things, it gives an excruciating pain that leaves my face disfigured trying to endure the pain. it is really bothering me diary. i wonder when is the time it will be completely healed allowing me to wear my jeans without worrying of hitting the toe against the jeans, without worrying of wearing my sneakers too tight and without worrying of someone stepping over my toe in crowded places.

i have decided to turn in to bed early tonight because i need all the sleep i can get. my head is very heavy and i cannot afford to neglect my health anymore. last night was enough for me and i don't intend to suffer anymore. i am sweating now diary, it's probably because of the panadols i took. it makes me feel better now although not completely healthy.

there was an alarm from my palmtop reminding me about tomorrow's appointment with the housing development board. my eldest brother is buying over the house from my parents and we need to make some enquires on the procedures. there are rules that disallow singles below 35 years old to purchase HDB flats unless they are bringing their parents as the occupants. i am sharing the cost of the flat with my brother and i hope my CPF will cover enough. the property market here is not booming anymore, flats like ours used to cost 350,000 dollars but now it is only 250,000 dollars.

dad will not make any profits selling it this time unlike the previous house when he made 200,000 dollars in profit. properties and cars are two most expensive things in singapore. private properties cost 1 million and above and there is nothing that one can get which is below 1 million. it is unbelievable to hear that but it is quite common for us here cos we know the standard of living here is high and from the lack of lands, it is no surprise that the government has to make cars and properties expensive. if cars are as cheap as any other countries, roads in singapore will be congested most of the times and drving will not be pleasant anymore. as i get older, i become more tolerant of the many tight rules and regulations here.

we cannot have things done like in any other countries. cars have to be expensive because of the limited road space in singapore and the rules governing the buying of houses from the housing development board give priorities to married couples than singles because of the same reason as why cars are expensive here. imagine what would happen if cars are cheap and imagine if singles are allowed to buy flats as easily as married couples. if such were to happen, there won't be enough houses for those who really in need of it and the roads in singapore will be nothing but filled with cars from bumper to bumper.

recently there was a hot debate on the government's decision to build two integrated resorts with casinos. one will be at sentosa and the other one will be at marina bayfront. many do not oppose to the integrated resorts however, many oppose to the idea of having casinos in them. their main reason is the fear of adding up to the existing social ills among singaporeans which is to turn singaporeans into avid gamblers and to create an impression to the younger singaporeans that gambling is acceptable in the society. the government's decision to go ahead with the two mega projects is mainly because of economic factors.

it has been estimated that 35,000 new jobs can be created for singaporeans and the two integrated resorts can contribute to the growth of the country. personally, i agree and i understand with the government's decision to have casinos in the two integrated resorts. i have no objections to it and i am supporting the government's decision. one has to know that singapore is not rich in natural resources and the singapore economy has never been about agriculture. looking back, history has taught us that singapore prosperity was largely due to her trading business and as time passes by, industrialisation and tourism have been the other factors that contribute to the singapore's economy.

however, we know that singapore cannot depend much on industrialisation anymore as many major industrial corporations are shutting down its plant here and move to other developing countries like china for cheap labour cost. therefore we have nothing much left except for tourism industry. when the economy of a country is at stake it is natural for its government to think of ways and alternatives to boost the economy. if tourism is the only way out, then of course singapore has to think of ways to attract tourist into singapore.

we cannot depend on conventional tourist attractions like the museums, the zoos or the existing shopping centres anymore, we must start to think out of the box to boost the tourism industry. we must have something exciting, something vibrant and something which produces more fun to the tourist. if this means that we must have casinos in those two integrated resorts, then i think by all means we will have those casinos. despite the risk of adding to the social problems of the country, we must not forget that the casinos might help to recover our economy by creating jobs for singaporeans.

with factories and plants moving out of singapore, many are left jobless and being a small country with limited natural resources, we cannot afford to have unemployment rate going high. i can understand if those who oppose have the fear of social problems but if they are just opposing for the sake of opposing, then they are not doing any good. every singaporean has to bear in mind that the only reason why the government has to agree on the casinos is to help create jobs for singaporeans and to contribute to the growth of singapore economy. if those who oppose to the idea can think of something better to help boost the economy without having the casinos, then he or she must bring it up.

we are not thinking of the social problems alone but we are also thinking of ways to give jobs to singaporeans. every country has its own social problems and singapore is no exception, with or without the casinos, social problems has been in existence for so long already. therefore it is not fair for singaporeans to claim that with the casino on the way, it will add more to the existing social problems in singapore. and if singaporeans are claiming that the government is not taking their views into considerations, they are wrong. if you look at the rules and regulations to gain entry into the casinos, you will know that the government has taken our views into considerations.

if our views are not taken into considerations, i am sure such rules will not be implemented. one must stop looking at things as only black or white, but one must also leave some space for grey areas as well. what the government actually needs are ideas and suggestions to boost the economy and not just disagreements to the proposal of the casinos. anybody can oppose to the idea but can anybody really think of a solution to enhance the country's economy? let's be practical and pragmatic, we have to change ourselves to fit a situation and we must learn how to adapt to new environments. if we just remain the same person without changing ourselves for our own betterment then our lives will be stagnant and stuck. i just don't see why do we have to keep on opposing to such ideas when ultimately it will give back to singaporeans economically.

diary, i received a text from little sister. do you still remember my little sister? it's been awhile since i last heard from her. i really wonder how is she doing. i don't know where she is now. i replied her text but it seems that she switched off her mobile. i am not sure if it is her number cos it's new. i am happy to hear from her but at the same time i am also worried if she might be silent again just like aramis. i miss little sister diary and i can only wait and hope that our relationship will be like before. wherever she is, i hope she knows how to take care of herself and not get easily influence by unhealthy activities.

disturbing thoughts...

dear diary,

i am worried about my toe nail cos it seemed like it was getting better but it didn't. maybe because i wore shoes too early and it gave little space for the toe nail thus in-growth toe nail occurs again. however, this time round is not so bad as before. it is minimal but the pain still exists. i can't wear shoes anymore. i have to wait till it heal first otherwise it will make the wound becomes worse. my only concern is how am i supposed to go for my driving practical class if i can't wear shoes? wearing shoes is compulsory and i cannot be wearing slippers or sandals. i must make sure my toe healed before my next driving lesson.

diary, i have been thinking about lots of things. i think i am going a bit too much with my thoughts. i have this fear of living. i am afraid of things that i don't even know what. sometimes, i cry myself to sleep thinking of all the possibilities that could happen. silently, my brother's death hit me so hard that i don't even realised it. i am afraid of losing anymore family members. there are not many of us left now and i don't want my family to shrink when everybody's family is growing. sometimes, my imaginations run wild and i imagined that my whole family members are gone and i am the only one left.

i am scared diary. i keep having those thoughts, what's even worst is sometimes i imagined that one of them might have the same fate as my late brother and i am the only one left to take care of him. these crazy thoughts are very disturbing. i keep praying to god to make my family safe wherever they are and with whatever they are doing. i keep praying to god to keep them away from accidents, illnesses or mishaps. i want to grow old with them and i don't want anything to happen to them. i feel so frighten sometimes diary. i love them very much and i can't be with them always to protect them and to keep them safe from harm. do you think i am sick diary or it is normal to have these thoughts?

i have always felt safe when my late brother was around. he was tall, big and strong and everywhere we go, i didn't feel afraid of anything because i knew i had him but now, it's only us left and i feel very lost, like a child without a mother. if there's anybody who had irritated or annoyed me at school or work, i would always tell my late brother and he would offer to come to school or my workplace to give that bully a piece of his mind. but now, it seems that i have to take care of myself, there's no one whom i can talk to if i am bullied. i miss him so much diary. i want him back but it's impossible because he's dead....he's dead....he's dead....why did it have to be that way? it's not fair....i feel sad knowing the fact that he's gone and he's never coming back. do you get what i mean diary?

if he's just gone overseas, at least i know he's coming back and i can still have him around me but when he's dead, there's not a chance he might come back. he's really gone this time and i have to live with that fact till i die. the only time i can meet him again is in heaven, but that is if i made it to heaven. help me diary...i feel so down right now. my family does not know what i am feeling. i never told them. this is just something i feel everyday but i am keeping it under control. i don't know how long it will go on.

sometimes, i don't know if i can survive emotionally without my family around. i have never lived far and away from them. i have always lived under the same roof with them for as long as i live. never been apart from them. since i was a young kid, i have been an introvert, the quietest of all. i never spoke to my aunties or uncles and i have always kept to myself. i was a very well-behaved kid, disciplined and never gave much problems to the adults who took care of me. i was considered as the kid angel because it was so easy to take care of me. everywhere i went, i had to be accompanied by my parents and i will cry if they were not around me.

i depended too much on them to feel safe and protected. if my parents were not around, i relied on my brothers to take care of me. they made me feel safe and secured. to put it short, i hate to be with strangers or even relatives other than my immediate family. i am the third child but i am considered to be the youngest in the household. my youngest brother does not stay with us since he was a baby. he was taken away and that left me and my elder brothers. i couldn't say for sure if i was pampered and spoilt because i don't have the characteristics of a spoilt child but i have to admit i have a very strong bond with my family that i hate to be away from them. i am closer to my late brother but he's gone now. diary, i feel so lost without him sometimes. i feel so much pain having to live like this. i miss him so much that i cannot think of a word to describe what i am feeling. it's beyond description diary...i feel down, i feel low and i feel so lifeless...it's only temporary. i will be feeling ok soon. it's just that today, it really hit me so bad.

i guess it's just one of those days...i have to constantly pray to god to put me at ease and to keep my family safe from harm, he's the only one who will hear me now, and i know he will not dissapoint me. diary, have you ever felt this way? you are so afraid to live another day because you fear something bad will happen to your family and you have to live to hear the news. suddenly you are all alone in a strange land and all you can do now is to survive on your own. i need people i am comfortable with. i get scared sometimes you know. i am independent but it's just this feeling that i keep on having since my brother's gone. if only i can do a miracle, i would bring him back to life.

i can't wait for the day where we will all meet together as one complete family unit and hang tuah is included. you know diary, whenever i am sad or down i never share it with people, not even my girlfriends. that is why i cannot help wondering who do i feel really comfortable with to talk to if i am really down. i hate to open up with people you know. there are a few whom i have confided in but only with little of my problems. the fact that i hate to cry infront of people hinders me from doing so. i hate people to know i am sad, i hate people to know i am troubled, i hate people to know i am disturbed. sharing of problems is a common thing i do with my friends but when i feel it is something too personal and if i am going to get emotional talking about it, i would rather keep it to myself. the only people i trust right now are ein, hulk, hippo, mummy, curly fries, driver and perhaps chicken pie. these are the people i feel most comfortable with.

i miss chicken pie diary. i am beginning to feel that she really cares about me. the thing about her that i like is she listens to you. when you are in need of someone to talk to, you can always count on her. doesn't matter whatever the reason is, she tries to listen to you and gives her opinions based on empathy than sympathy. comparing her and taj mahal, have more confidence with chicken pie. aramis on the other hand is always contradicting herself. always telling me how much she loves me and bla bla bla but hardly ever proved it to me. i never paid her a lot of attention nowadays anyway. never mind, i am too tired to talk right now. have to go diary, take care. bye.

whatever you want to call it..

dear diary,

a few days ago someone requested to add me into her MSN messenger. her name is unfamiliar but i just figured that she must be someone i know so i gave her the permision to add me. at the same time, i sent her an email asking who she is. she replied me back and now i know who she is. she is an old friend from KL whom i have known for i think about 5 or 6 years.

i don't know exactly but she is an old friend. i have met her thrice in kl and we got along pretty fine. i used to have a crush on her but i don't know anymore. during the time i know her, she has always been attached so i didn't really bother to pursue my interest, furthermore i wasn't really sure if it was love. it is good to hear from an old friend. we used to send each other emails frequently but it stopped somewhere in mid 2003 and since then we have stopped keeping in touch. she's a friend of pontianak and i stopped sending her emails at the time when i stopped talking to pontianak.

you know, pontianak is one of the members of the infamous bermuda triangle whom i have been avoiding because i just think that they are toxic. it's just like food you know, if you are diabetic, you stay away from food with high sugar content. that goes the same with friendship, if you cannot get along, you might as well stay away. that friend of mine, oh wait, let's give her a nickname that suits her best, ermm...*thinking* gesss, i cannot think of a name for her. how about, oldie? she is an old friend indeed. oldie is a good friend, i would say she is someone i feel comfortable talking about stuffs. for the period i have known her, she's fine and honestly she is one of those girls that i imagined would be mine.

thinking of that makes me giggle to myself. she said i am a sweet talker you know, and she kind of gave me the impression that she can't trust me in relationship. i am not sure but that's how i interpret her body language. i didn't take it seriously cos i just thought she might have got the wrong side of me. it has really been awhile since we last chatted. i don't really know how is she doing now, i can only wait for her reply to know what is she up to lately. i hope she is fine.

oh diary, have i told you about a relative of mine who met with an accident at work and was in a comatose? he passed away yesterday morning at nine leaving behind a wife and 3 children. dad broke the news to me last night and i offered some prayers for him. i don't really know him cos we are only related by marriage and not by blood. furthermore he is considered a distant relative. i still feel the sadness though and i can imagine how would his remaining family members feel. we can only afford so much and all we can do now is accept that everything alive has to be returned to his creator one day. our turn will come but we'll never know when.

mum asked about russia the other day and i had to lie to her. this is the thing why i hate to bring girlfriends home. they only agree to come home with me cos of our relationship and nothing else. and i know the chances of gay relationships like ours to be long lasting is thin, we will break up and once we have broken up, she's no longer able to come home with me.

if our family members are not fond of her, then it doesn't make a difference but if they are, like how my mum is fond of russia, then it's going to be a problem. mum will defintely ask cos russia has come to my house often when we were together and all my immediate family members have known her and it is natural for them to ask about her if she has not come to my home for a period they deem long. i have never brought girlfriends home before except for friends and russia broke my traditions. sometimes i am so fed up with her character, she can be so stubbornly selfish without thinking of the curcumstances.

her only reason is to be with me without taking my situations into considerations. i have told her many times that i am living with my family and it wouldn't be good for her to appear at my door late at night or in the wee hour in the morning. i don't mind her coming over but the least she could do is to come at a proper time without creating suspicions. my advice was not heeded by her and dad began to suspect something fishy, only then she realised what she has done. it became an issue at home and i had to think of ways to answer for her and at the same time, i got turned off by her.

i hate all these troubles with my parents and i hate to create suspicions and when that happened not because of my own doing, i got so annoyed with russia. i tried to be cool but i failed. the more i tried to persevere the more turned off i got. one thing i learnt, never accept a proposal from someone whom you don't even know if you like or love her. if you are unsure, better wait for awhile till you understand what your heart says. i never loved russia, it was just an infatuation that doesn't last long. i knew we wouldn't last cos she can't even tell me what she is and if she expects me to tolerate her sometimes boyish sometimes woman looks and her authoritative attitude towards me then i might as well turn straight cos i will never ever allow myself to be with a butch or a butch wannabe. i have nothing against them but i just like to make sex with woman-looking lesbians and not man-looking lesbians.

diary, my toe nail is giving me problem again. i thought by letting it grow long it will be ok but it's not. i am able to wear shoes now but it still hurts and i have stopped wearing shoes again. i dunno how long it will go on like this. i have to wear shoes during my practical lessons and i am lucky that i don't have any practical lesson this coming weekend. i don't know what to do with my toenail diary. i have been to the doctor, and i have taken the medicine but i have yet to wash the wound with the prescribed solution and apply some cream to it. i hope it gets better soon, i really do. otherwise, i will have to go for the operation and have to postpone my driving class.

hey diary, i wrote a poem for my late brother. it's almost a year since his death and i just feel like writing him something. i will post it soon on my homepage and i intend to send it to the papers to get it published. do you know that one of my article had been published when i was 17? i felt really good you know at that time. it was an achievement for me and unfortunately, i got sidetracked and i didn't focus on my writing skills. another article of mine was chosen by the panel of judges to allow me to attend a writing worksop organized by the Singapore Press Holdings for budding writers.

i wasted it away and years just slipped by like that. told you that everytime i am halfway up, i am always halfway down. i tend to lose focus easily last time but not anymore. i am sure i have change for the better. we'll just have to wait and see. i can't wait for the time when i am finally moving out of here diary. i think that would be my most happiest day because that's what i have always wanted to do. i have big plans for myself when i get there. there are so many things i want to do and i have to think big to make it a success. i have to stay focus and remain calm and collected.

i must make sure i eat right and have plenty of rest to be able to carry out my plans diligently. it's all up to me now how to make it work. i will succeed, i have made a promise to myself, it's for my late brother, my family and myself and for you too diary. you have been the one person who listens to me without prejudice. you never talk back, you never put me down, you never criticize me and you never hate me. i love you diary, you have been my source of letting out steam and you never fail to calm me down easily no matter how major the break down is. you are my true friend, more than anything else.

how i spent my weekend

dear diary,

i skipped one major housework over the weekend and i will make it up tonight. i usually do it on saturday morning but i had to skip it cos i went for my driving lesson. i was 10 minutes late and i lost 10 minutes of the lesson time and i made a promise to myself not to be late again, whatever happen to my punctuality is the best policy, i don't know. i could be punctual on that day but i took my time getting ready for it and i over-estimated my efficiency and ended up late.

i woke up at 6 in the morning but i only took my shower half an hour later. my driving instructor was waiting for me when i got there. we immediately got into the car and went to the place for the lesson which was about 5 minutes drive. it was near to the stadium and the stadium has ample carpark space and there are many private driving instructors who hold their lessons there for beginners. i saw 3 other learners there and i guess they are already at their third or fourth lessons cos they drive quite smoothly only jerking occassionally.

when we got there i was so excited to start driving that i did not pay attention to the instructor's short theory lecture. i just thought that it was a waste of time. when it was time for me to start, i turned on the engine and followed the correct procedure on starting and moving off a car which i have learnt during the simulator lessons. i turned on the engine, depressed the clutch pedal fully, changed to gear 1, release hand brake, carefully depressed the accelerator and carelessly released the clutch pedal too fast and immediately the engine stalled. the car moved off for a few meters and it stopped making a vibration violently. i didn't panick but i can sense that the instructor was annoyed.

i didn't give a damn because as far as i am concern i am new at driving so he has to understand my disadvantage. the theories and the simulator lessons alone are not enough to make me efficient on my first practical lesson. i didn't let the instructor's reaction affected me and i smiled widely at my blunder. he explained to me again on the techniques of starting and moving off a car and i followed it carefully the next time and i drove the car quite smoothly but at a very minimal speed. it was fine but i need to work at controlling and maintaining my feet work. i tend to depress the accelerator pedal too hard and the car accelerates quickly. the instructor had to literally placed my feet at the spot where he thinks would avoid my feet from depressing the accelerator too hard.

it worked and i managed to maintain the speed at 20 km/h throughout the course of the lessons. the first lessons consisted of starting and moving off a car, turning left, gear changing and stopping. it was fun and exciting, i felt like a kid playing with his new toy and did not want to end his playing session when the time was up. the session lasted 1.5 hours and my next lesson will be on next saturday at 8 am. this time, i am going to be punctual but i hope i will not forget the proper techniques.

i went to tampines after that to pay my tutor her fees and told her that i want to discontinue her service. told her the truth and she understands. i don't really need a tutor now since i have successfully overcome my drawbacks, all i have to do now is to make sure i meet the minimum standards of the board. you know what diary, sometimes you just have to know your way around and try to do as much homework as you can before you embark on a journey.

you will never know what is in store for you until you find out what is in store for you. there are no short cuts to success but there are open doors for you to come right in if you fit the bill. i could have continued with the tuition but i need to save a lot of money as much as i could for further studies and the tuition is not necessary so i had to give it up. the tuition fees can contribute to 30 percent of my monthly total savings and that is a lot. i am more focus now diary and i don't think much of unnecessary stuffs anymore. i think this is how it should be cos i can see myself progressing and i am proud of myself.

when i had girlfriends, all the money, time and energy i had, went to them and it gave me very little space to upgrade myself and pay attention to my own needs. i am single now and i have all the time and energy in the world to focus on developing myself for my own betterment. money is growing now and i breathe without a problem nowadays. all those girls brought nothing but miseries to my life, i cannot believe i was stupid to allow that to happen. i guess there was love between each one of them and myself but falling in love with them resulted in my failure to focus on my own success.

it is unfair to blame them but honestly, i have wasted so much money and effort on them but i got nothing out of it. all the phone bills and the expenses for luxuries i provided them could accumulate to more than 10 thousand singapore dollars. if i had been straight, i could use that money to get married but i am not so there wasn't really a blessed relationship between those girls and myself. that is the thing about gay relationships. even if you love her like blood, it is not going to be a blessed relationship, so why waste your time, money and energy to give 100 percent in a relationship?

i used to be so loyal you know, very defensive and protective of my relationships. even though we were far, i tried to make it work with the phone calls and visits and gifts but look at where they got me? it's bullshit and totally uncalled for. i can still love a girl but i don't think i will love her more than what is required. things will probably change when i am there for good but for now i am sticking to what i believe. gay relationship is a waste of time. i have heard many stories of how relationships ended and i cannot recall knowing one gay relationship that last till death do them part or till they grow old together. ultimately, gay relationships cannot be regarded as a lifetime commitments between two people of the same gender in love. probably it could be done so elsewhere but not right here in any muslims countries. it is madness to do so. ask any lesbians over here and i bet they would all agree but of course there are some who are living in denial. the best thing to do is to leave them alone.

i went to simpang bedok for dinner on saturday with my family. the place is very popular so it was not surprise if it was crowded when i got there. they served malay food and the crowds consisted of mostly malays. the stall that i ordered my food from did not really impressed me with their culinary skills. i expected the food to be tasty but i was otherwise proved. however, they had many stalls there and it is unfair for me to say simpang bedok doesn't serve good food. i have yet to try food from other stalls and only then i am able to draw my final conclusion. we got lost on the way there at bedok and i was very much furious with my brother's driving skills. he was careless and he was reckless.

he road hogged many times and almost made one car knocked us from behind. he is usually not like that and it happened because he was thinking of how to get there while driving and this already divided his attention into two things, which led him to road hog. many cars passed us honking and waved their hands in frustrations at his driving skills. i can only watch in regrets and promised myself to be a careful and considerate driver once i passed my license.

my brother is not very fast at getting a clear picture of situations even though he is an engineer by qualifications. he is uninhibited and can be oblivious to the surroundings and so the honking and waving did not really bother him while i am totally the opposite of him and the honking and waving were really affecting me. i knew that our carelessness contributes hardships to other road users and this should not be the way. my brother had to think of other road users as well which he failed to do.

i was really pissed at him and i can see my dad was too but he couldn't say anything cos if he had said something about his driving, my brother would gladly asked him to drive the car. sometimes, i pity my dad and try hard to understand his position but i can't wholly blamed my brother too cos he was the one driving and he just got his license, so i couldn't expect him to be 100 percent efficient cos he is not an experienced driver. i am not sure if i can hold my temper when i am driving too cos i will never be able to be certain of the situations and circumstances. i just hope i can be as cool as i am while driving.

i was at the airport after i paid my tuition fees. i met my friend cos he was in need of my help. he needed the cash and i had to lend him the money. i could have said no to him but he has been a good friend and he did help me a couple of times when i was down. even though he had played me out once, i still cannot afford to say no to him. i just figured that my turn would be next and he might be the one i will seek help from. furthermore, i once listen to a religious sermon that said we will be blessed if we had help to lighten the burdens of others or to help solve the problems of others. he is in need of help and god probably wants me to help him that's why he called me even though it was embarassing for him to do so after he played me out. all i wanted to do was to do what i can to help others and at the same time, make some investments for a place in heaven in my afterlife so that i will still have a chance to meet my beloved brother.

being at the airport altogether reminded me again of the flying waitress. i saw quite a few flight attendants. they all looked so pretty and beautiful although i have to admit that some of them look no better than an average looking girl, but with the thick make up, the almost perfect hairdo, the flawless skin and a slim figure make up for the lack of looks. it's good to be able to travel while you are working, being able to see the world first hand is a valuable experience one can get and what's more if it is free. air tickets and accomodations are all paid for, all you have to do is to give service with a smile to the passengers and if you are lucky enough, you may find your Mr. Right among them. travelling has always been everybody's cup of tea, the only thing that is stopping some of us from doing so is thin bank accounts.

you know diary, sometimes you just wish that it didn't happen but yet it still happen and when it happened, you cannot do anything about it and that's very sad. as much as i am so excited at the thought that i am finally moving away, i am also worried of my parents. you know that there are only 2 of us left to take care of my parents. when i moved away, my brother will be the only one with them and what if anything happened to them? i am so afraid that they might end up like my late brother, who was so sick and became paralysed and had to depend on people. i always have this fear and i cannot help it.

probably because i have seen it and experience it and i know what kind of hardships we will be facing if it were to happen again. it was dificcult and it was very depressing when there is no one else to help. you cannot depend much on your relatives and the only people you can count on is your family. day and night i say my prayers to god and ask him to bless my family and all my good friends with good health. distant us from any mishaps that could make our lives difficult. i am still scared diary, i am still afraid to lose someone i love again. every night before i sleep i will think of my brother and how it was when he left us. i don't want to go through it again. it was very painful and heartbreaking. i am concern of my parent's safety and well-being once i am gone. if only they could come along with me. please god, bless them with good health always, make my journey to success a smooth one.

i am tired

dear diary,

i am finally able to wear my sneaker after almost one month of avoiding it. my toe nail is 90 percent recovered now and i am letting it grow longer. i am so afraid to cut it short anymore. tomorrow is my first practical lesson with real car. i am done with the simulator and moving on to lessons in a real car on the road. i really wonder how am i going to fair. i have driven a real car only once and that was in jb when my x girlfriend taught me how. i drove for only 3 meters and i ended up laughing. i have to wake up at 6 in the morning and get prepared to leave home at 7.

it's sickening to wake up early in the morning on weekends. i always thought that weekends are for us to oversleep ourselves. dad told me to wake up early in the morning to pray subuh which i have often neglected. i have managed to pray for the others except for subuh. maybe i can start doing so tomorrow and make it a habit. i am thinking of my late brother so much nowadays. i know that i am missing him and i can only afford to acknowledge that.

you know what diary? my brain is tired, i can't think so i can't write. talk to you later. take care.

truth always hurts when you try to digest

dear diary, i wrote something awful about him last night to you. i posted it here but it was only for private viewing. i can't make it visible for all to read. people say, we do not wash our dirty linens in public and showing people the skeleton in our closet is a risky thing to do because people might use it against us in some ways or another. i guess it is true that we have to keep some matters private even with our buddies whom we have regarded like our blood. i still have the scar from what happened but i am going to let it go slowly. i can forgive him but i will not forget what he has done. i have lost all my trust in him and i will not acknowledge him anymore. as far as i am concern, he is out of my life and i am not allowing his presence to exist in me.

chicken pie called last night while i was praying and i couldn't answer her. she left me a voice message. i have been thinking about her a lot lately and i kind of miss her. she is so nice to me and she cares about me sincerely. you know diary, if she were my gf i have the feeling that i will be taken care of with lots of love. she seems genuine with me and in fact, she's the only one out of the many girls i have known for this period, who makes an effort to show her care constantly. sometimes, i feel a little scared. as much as i want to be nice to her, i am also afraid to give her the wrong idea of my kindness.

i don't want her to be too confident with me. i am not sure diary, taj mahal is also showing signs like that. she keeps telling me not to have high hope on her but at the same time, she talks to me as if we are already a couple. i am confuse and honestly i have not feel the pressure yet because of the distance but i am sure once i set foot in KL for good, problems will occur. i don't want our friendship to be in a mess. i want to maintain the good friendship we are having and i don't want to lose them but it looks like i am being careless again like how i always do. if they are strong enough and never take things to heart, perhaps i can still save the friendship but if they don't, they will think i am a bitch and will cast me aside.

things like that happen to me a few times since i made many lesbian friends and i am not sure if i am the only one solely to be blamed. that's what happened with bermuda triangle. being nice was regarded as being desperate, being natural was regarded as being superficial and being frank was regarded as being a bitch. it was a slightly different story with the flying waitress, i got pissed off because i was thought to try to come on to her by her girlfriend. i swear i didn't try to do that.

all i wanted was to be a friend but i was misunderstood. perhaps, in my effort to be a friend i had gone a little overboard but how could that be when i have only met her twice and spent less than 12 hours going out with her. where did it all go wrong? how come that does not happen to me with straight prople and it only happens with fellow lesbians? perhaps the competition to get a girl is tougher for a lesbian and once they got one, they treasure and protect their girl friends like how they rear a gold fish. they become very insecure over anyone whom they think might pose a threat to their status. they want to eliminate any competition and thus they become very protective and defensive. any effort by the third party to become friends with their girl friend is regarded as an act of trying to woo her. even if the third party is well intentioned, she is still regarded as a threat and should be cast off.

the theory here is acceptable but of course it is debatable. i guess, the fear of being dumped and extreme jealousy are the reasons why. i used to be like that but soon i realised that it's pointless and a bit childlike. the relationships that we have are not normal and what's the point in protecting one? we are not like straight couples who are allowed to make public announcements that they are engage, married or divorce. we have to have a relationship behind closed doors and we have to live in a closet. announcing that we are gay is like giving people a gun to shoot us at point blank.

the relationship we have is not real and it will not last for an eternity. yes, we love her but we must also realise that it will not take us anywhere. perhaps we can act like a straight couple but it's not going to be easy and for how long do we want to pretend? for how long do we want to live in denial? we are Muslims for god's sake and there is nothing that we do or say can make us acceptable to the mass. perhaps we feel belonged when we are in the company of each other and we may feel that the world is ours when we hold each other's hand but did we even stop to think of what's going to become of us in the after life when resurrection happens?

i am not turning straight but i am just thinking one step further. yes, i have loved a girl so much before but i had to let her go because she wants to turn straight and i cannot stop her from doing that. i have loved another girl and i had to let her go too because she has found someone whom she thinks she loves more. no arguments and no fighting, i just let her go. i didn't need any explanations from her. when your time is up, you have to leave, that's what i believe. a lesbian i may still be but don't expect me to love my girlfriend like blood because i can't. not anymore at least.

whatever is going to happen, will happen and i will take it like how a man should. whatever happens, in the end only her love for you matters. whatever obstacles or challenges you face, if the love is stronger than any strength of the strongest man on earth, believe me the love she has for you will prevail. if it doesn't then it's time to move on. stop wasting time to fight or to win or whatever. it's silly and disgusting to fight over a girl for sex. ha ha ha... well what can i say what can i do, fighting over a girl is not and will never be my cup of tea.

you know what diary, sometimes i just want to live alone. adopt kids and take care of them like my own. having a girlfriend is good for you to have someone to enter into your world but it's too controversial and difficult. maybe having a sex partner suffices my sexual needs. how's that? *chuckles* silly me...well, whatever is in store for me in the future, i don't know. but i hope whatever i do to make up for the sins i have done balances the weight in the judgement day.

i think i am hearing it little by little and i think i am beginning to acknowledge it but i am still not buldging from my status as a lesbian, do you get what i mean diary? perhaps, all the praying, the quran lessons and the maturity give me a sense of truth and realisation, the only thing left for me to do is to be single minded to leave this life as i have lived it before. ironically, i can't...all i can afford to do now is to live life as a moderate lesbian or maybe a non-practising lesbian. whatever that means i hope i am given the opportunity to finish the course of my duty to taste success at least.

i still love them all and i want to be with them. i like to be around girls cos it makes me feel loved and wanted. my sexual desires can only be satisfied by fellow women and no men can give me the satisfaction i desire. it's not difficult until you want to do it sincerely until then you will be and will always remain as a lesbian. the only thing left for you to do is to think of the kind of lesbian you want to be. i want to be a successful lesbian with dignity and i want to make up for the sins i have commited by rendering service to the community at large. i hope i can and i hope He will acknowledge it so that i may have a place in heaven reserved for me to be united with my beloved brother and we will be one happy family once again, this time for eternity.

take it all out

dear diary,

i am really thinking of taking supplements to enhance my health and to boost my energy level. i have been turning in to bed late every night and it has taken its toll on me. i have to start looking for one now. mum has been sleeping in my room for two nights in a row. it is all because of hang tuah. hang tuah has grown to like my parent's room and he always sits on the bed at mum's side refusing to buldge. he rests his head on mum's pillow and treats the bed as if it is his own. mum does not have the heart to chase hang tuah away so she sleeps in my room.

i told you tuah has captured everybody's heart in the house and nobody never gives in to him. he has become a king at home and it seems that everybody sumbits to his demands and his wishes are at everybody's command. that cat really needs a spank from me. last night my brother carried him and put him on my bed. my bed is high like a bunk bed where i have study table underneath it. so hang tuah cannot or does not dare to jump off the bed. he has this habit of wanting people to entertain him while he's on my bed. when people leave him alone, he will look down and called out to me to have him entertained.

i was studying last night and i had to stand on a stool and play with him on my bed. he ran and he rolled over on my bed. he scratched and he bit my hand for fun. i took his play mouse and threw on my bed. he ran and he caught it, sometimes carelessly dropping the mouse on the floor. everytime he dropped the play mouse on the floor, he would looked down from my bed and called out to me to pick it up. everytime he did that, i felt like a slave submitting to his master's command. ohh damn that cat!! but i never could lose my temper with hang tuah, nobody could. told you he's a darling and very adorable that you wouldn't mind pampering and spoiling him. i cannot wait for him to have another friend. i bet the house would be chaotic having two active cats playing catching with each other. we are getting a male british short hair and we are going to name him, guess what? it's going to be Hang Jebat. imagine jebat and tuah playing catching, wouldn't it be fun and entertaining?

diary, allow me to speak to my brother.

assalamualaikum bakim, kau sihat ke? aku alhamdulillah. mak ayah balim semua ok. keter kita dah sampai dah 2 minggu, balim yang drive. aku belum leh drive sebab lesen belum ada. 29th july ni test aku kat comfort driving school kat ubi. kau tau, aku amik basic test sama final test dua dua first time terus pass. terror tak aku? hehehe...sebelum amik tu ingat bukan main susah nak pass sebab ramai yang asyik fail aje. bila dah amik, senang pulak. tapi kau tau kan kawan aku melissa, dia amik final theory dia, dah 5 kali belum pass pass. dia pun silap sebab dia tak belajar, main amik aje. sekarang ni aku tengah practical. lagi 4 bulan test aku, mintak mintak aku pass first time jugak. aku ngat nak gi johor belajar drive kat sana, nak mintak tolong kawan aku pinjam keter dia. yang aku takut naik slope tu nanti.

tester suka sangat nak test naik slope. macam lah jalan raya kat sini semuanya ada slope. sengaja sangat nak fail kan orang. kau tau kan cik som pun amik jugak. dia pun dah lepas theory tinggal practical. dia dah amik test dia tapi fail jadi dia amik lagi. kalau kau masih hidup mesti kau pun amik kan? aku rindu ngan kau bakim. aku teringat ingat kan kau. kekadang tu masih tak percaya yang kau dah tak ada. nak nangis pun dah tak tau camna. ari tu kita pergi kubur kau. mak, ayah aku sama balim. kita tanam pokok kat kubur kau. cantik, tapi nak tunggu dia kembang dulu lepas tu baru potong. nak kasi bulat. nanti ayah nak bersihkan kubur kau. aku sebak lah bakim. aku teringat balik masa kau tengah sakit tu. aku tak tau sama ada aku dah buat yang terbaik sebagai adik untuk kau ke tidak. masa kau tengah sihat pun aku selalu kurang ajar ngan kau. ermmm, susah lah sekarang ni. asyik terfikir balik aje.

aku nak mintak maaf dengan kau tapi kau dah tak ada. masa kau tengah nazak tu, aku ada bisik kat telinga kau, tapi aku tak tau kau rasa apa. kau dah tak leh cakap lagi. aku geram ngan diri aku sendiri. benci lah aku. rasa macam nak hentak hentak kepala aje kat tembok. tapi aku buat yang terdaya masa kau sakit bakim. kau tau kan aku macam mana. walaupun aku salu kurang ajar ngan kau, aku sebenarnya sayang. mungkin aku tak suka sangat tunjukkan kasih sayang aku terang terang. sebenarnya aku dah mula rasa kehilangan kau. sekarang ni pergi mana mana kita 4 beranak aje. dulu kalau kau ada, 5 orang lepas tu kalau ayat ada 6 orang. sekarang ni, 4 orang aje. aku bosan lah.

fed up lah. bila duduk kat keter aku salu terbayangkan kau ada. kau mesti duduk tepi tingkap, lepas tu aku duduk sebelah kau. bakimm...bakim....aku belum puas hati lah. aku rasa macam entahlah susah nak cakap. aku sayang ngan kau bakim. abih kau dah tak ada aku boring. aku rasa bersalah ngan kau. menyesal tak sudah aku ni....aku nak kita satu keluarga macam dulu. ada 5 orang. semua sihat tak ada penyakit. kau dah tak ada, aku sedih lah bakim. aku dah hilang satu abang. tinggal balim aje. ada adik pun tak guna. tak bertanggungjawab punya adik. kau tau kan apa dia buat? entahlah bakim, aku rasa aku dah jadi macam kau. aku tak boleh pandang lagi dengan dia. benci aku dengan dia dah meluap luap.

hari tu dia ada telepon, ayah yang angkat. dia boleh telepon rumah tapi tak nak cakap pun ngan aku pasal hutang dia. dia buat bodoh aje. aku pun tak tanya sebab aku dah tawar hati ngan dia. dah meluat lah, aku cakap ngan ayah, kenapa dia boleh telepon cakap ngan ayah tapi tak nak cakap ngan aku? sebab dia takut lah tu aku tanya pasal duit. memang dasar jantan tak ada bodek. bodek tu potong sudah lagi bagus. aku geram lah bakim. abih kau tau lah kalau aku dah geram mulut memang celupar. kalau dengar nanti sakit telinga. duit tu aku tak kisahlah sangat, tapi yang aku marah tu sikap dia suka ambil kesempatan. si ayah pulak lembut sangat dengan anak. lagi lagi dengan si bahlol tu. budak tak sedar diri. ayah mana nak tengok si bahlol tu punya jahat sebab dia kan cik nor yang jaga. keluarga ayah yang jaga, jadi buruk si bahlol tu semua ayah tak nak cakap sebab kalau dia cakap nanti, dia cakap keluarga dia jugak.

ayah kan ego besar. ingat keluarga dia aje yang baik. kalau dengan keluarga mak tu, semuanya salah. aku benci lah ngan kelaurga ayah. sungguh. aku cakap ngan ayah, kalau si bahlol tu datang office ayah mintak duit, duit yang aku bagi ayah tu jangan bagi kat si bahlol tu. aku tak halalkan duit aku untuk dia. aku benci ngan dia. lepas tu aku cakap ngan mak aku dah sungguh sungguh hilang waras aku kalau bercakap pasal si bahlol tu lagi satu aku tak akan layan dia macam darah daging aku. mak cakap aku tak baik benci orang sampai tak mengaku sedara. aku cakap ngan mak bukan aku tak mengaku sedara, walau macam mana pun, dia tetap darah daging aku tapi untuk aku melayan dia macam adik beradik, aku tak nak sebab he doesn't deserved it at all. that bloody moronic stupid fucking prick!!!

kalau tengah susah pandai nak carik orang, bila dah senang semua keluarga dia lupa. lupa tanggungjawab. dia kalau carik pasal ngan aku lagi aku ludah muka dia. apa nak jadi jadilah. memang dasar jantan tak ada bodek. aku rasa aku yang perempuan ni lebih berani dari dia. musibat agong betul. aku geram lah. aku kalau cakap pasal dia, aku boleh hilang pertimbangan. macam tu punya benci aku dengan dia. i will not acknowledge him at all. kalau dia khawin, aku tak akan datang. pergi mampos ngan dia. mak ayah nak marah sama aku pun aku tak akan berganjak dari prinsip aku. that kind of man does not deserved to be treated nicely by me. if he has a problem with it, then he can go to hell. aku tau dia tu ngendeng ngendeng ayah nak beli motor nanti.

si ayah tu kalau depan kita aje cakap tak lah bukanlah itulah inilah tapi belakang kita nanti senyap senyap dia belikan. aku dah cakap dengan ayah kalau apa apa terjadi, tanggung sendiri. i don't want history to repeat itself and if history is to be repeated, he can count me out because i don't and will not give a damn about that little despicable devil. aku cakap ngan ayah, aku dah benci dengan dia, dan kalau aku mati pun aku akan tinggalkan wasiat, satu sen dari harta aku pun jangan diberi pada dia. kalau ikut hukum faraiid memang dia akan dapat tapi aku akan tetap tulis wasiat. aku tak nak nanti dia senang senang enjoy ngan hasil titik peluh aku. aku tahu apa kau rasa masa kau hidup. aku pun dah terkena bakim, aku paham apa kau rasa. he's the one who asked for it. he doesn't deserve a single cent from my hard earned money.

aku dah tawar hati sungguh dengan dia. aku tulis ni sebab aku geram bakim. aku takleh cakap ngan mak sama ayah sebab walau buruk camna dia tu tetap anak diorang. walaupun tak dijaga dari kecik tetap darah daging. kau dah tak ada, belum lagi setahun, abih kalau aku bising bising ngan mak ngan ayah pasal si bahlol tu nanti kesian diorang. aku citer ngan kau. yang aku sedih, dia tak ada sikit pun rasa kesian ngan ayah. dah lah dulu masa dia buat hal semua ayah tanggung. cik nor tu pun satu, kalau dah main amik aje anak orang, jahat ke baik ke senang ke susah ke kau kenalah tanggung sendiri. ini tidak, bila tengah senang aje diam bila tengah susah, pandai pulak carik mak bapak kandung. how can she thinks like that? she has a moral duty towards that asshole regardless of what the situation is. furthermore he was taken away and was not given away, so how can she easily wash her hands over the matters?

why didn't she think of all these first before she made her fat ass moved by bringing that little devil into her home? once she has done that action, she has a moral duty, a responsibility to take care of him and provide him with his necessities. it is an 'amanah' and she failed. shame on her. shame on all of them. bila senang tak nak ingat masa susah. manjakan sangat budak tu dari kecik sampai dah besar tak tau apa erti tanggungjawab. he doesn't show a sense of responsibility at all, not even an inch!! orang macam mana punya hodoh pun, macam mana punya miskin pun tapi kalau ada sifat tanggungjawab yang tinggi, tahu jaga harga diri, orang akan tetap hormati, tak kiralah background dia macam mana. aku dah tak boleh cakap lah pasal dia. hati aku selalu mendidir aje kalau teringat pasal dia.

kalau orang tak tau citer ingat nanti aku yang jahat, mulut macam jubur ayam tapi bila fikirkan balik, he has not earned my respect, so why should i give a damn of how i speak about him? i shall speak as and how i like about that prick. *istighfar* ermm bakim kita cakap pasal lain plak ok. biar kan si luncai tu dengan labu labunya. kalau dia tak nak perbaiki diri dia, kita tak leh buat apa apa. dia nak lemas ke nak tenggelam ke itu dia punya pasal.

bakim, aku makin kurus lah. ramai cakap aku makin kurus. aku skrng ni memang kurang makan. makan pun kat rumah aje. nak makan luar, kadang kadang aje bila mak ada class malam. kalau tak kat rumah ajelah. aku nak kumpul duit lah bakim. nak sambung belajar balik. dah lama sangat tertangguh. patutnya last year aku pindah kl tapi aku postpone sebab kau baru ninggal. nak tinggal kan rumah kesian ngan mak sama ayah. insyaAllah tak lama lagi aku pindahlah sana. aku nak kena jimat cermat skrng ni, banyak tanggungan aku nanti kalau dah belajar sana. duit rumah, insurance, transport, school fees, makan. semua tu aku kena fikir. nak harapkan mak sama ayah, aku tak boleh.

mak ada cakap dia akan support aku tapi aku pun kena save jugak. aku kan bukan macam si bahlol tu. kalau dia memang dia amik kesempatan punya. tak adalah macam tu, aku gurau aje. *istighfar* mak kan nak buat rumah kat kampung, nak pakai duit banyak, mana yang aku boleh tanggung sendiri tu aku tanggung lah sendiri. itu aje aku fikir. kalau dah belajar full time, mesti kena hidup macam student balik kan? nanti kalau masa dia dah sampai, aku bilang kau ok. aku janji ngan kau bakim, i will bring success to the family ok. once i am successful, i will dedicate my success to you.

aku janji ngan kau. susah macam mana pun, lambat macam mana pun, kejayaan itu akan aku kecapi jugak satu hari nanti. ini kira my ultimate goals. kita kena sabar ok. aku tahu kau dah tak ada, tapi semangat kau masih aku bawak jugak kat mana mana aku pergi. memang dulu aku salu kasar ngan kau tapi percayalah bakim, aku sayang ngan kau. masa kau sakit tu aku cuba buat yang terbaik untuk kau. itu aje yang aku mampu bakim. aku tahu masa hidup kau, mungkin aku bukan adik yang paling bagus dalam dunia ni tapi aku cuba jadi yang terbaik dengan cara aku. kau maafkan lah aku bakim. aku tak tau nak cakap apa lagi ni. aku masih sebak lah bakim. bila teringatkan kau aku mesti sedih.

islam tak galakkan umat dia bersedihan berpanjangan. but sometimes you just can't help it right? tak apalah, eh bakim aku dah register untuk quran module 2. ehh quran ni susah lah kalau dah advance. aku belajar dengan tajwid sekali. jadi aku ni blur lah bila huruf dia dah disambung sambung. satu huruf ada macam macam bentuk. lepas tu, 'mad' kena ingat, 'sukun' nak kena ingat, 'kasrah', 'damah' semua nak kena ingat. kalau ponteng satu lesson memang risky sebab takut tak boleh grasp apa yang uztas ajar on the next lesson. if you are a fast learner, then it is ok but if u r slow then it's risky.

nak kena banyak practice baru boleh lancar baca kalau tak lambat. nak kena kenalkan huruf dia betul betul, bunyi nya, 'makhraj' huruf dia kena jaga. tajwid kan serious sikit lagi pun tajwid memang emphasised kan untuk sebutan dan bunyinya. 'mad' dia pun kita kena jaga. aku nak kena practica lah bakim. kita pakai buku Iqra. buku tu bagus, very straightforward. eh lupa nak cakap ngan kau, hang tuah dah besar. dia dah 7 bulan dah. nakal dia tu tapi baik. tak tau nak gaduh. kuing luar tu sepak muka dia lepas tu dia diam aje. dia tengok kan aje kucing tu. sedih tengok tuah cam tu. balim angkat tuah masuk dalam abih tu dia marah kucing luar tu. tuah tu kan ection aje. dia suka masuk bilik aku pastu diri atas keyboard aku pastu tengok kat luar. kadang kadang kalau orang tak tengok, dia terus keluar tingkap. nakal dia tu. aku jentik tinger dia. tapi dia tahu yang aku marah sama dia kalau dia keluar tingkap. takut dia jatuh. bahaya kan. nanti kalau dia nak kejar burung dia lompat nanti habis jatuh. banyak kucing yang mati cam tu. bakim, aku dah penat ni. nanti kalau ada cerita baru, aku bilang kau ok. jaga diri baik baik. aku sayang kau.