when two becomes one

Dear diary today is going to be the day where I have made history. I made a big decision today and I know it is going to be worth it. I am not surprise with myself neither have I regret with the decision I made. I knew I am going to make it one of these days and when I have made that decision, I knew I made it because I wanted to. Nobody influenced the decision I have made and I did not make that decision in the favour of anybody except myself. I am not sure if it is going to work according to all the promises in the package but I am sure every party involved will try to make it work. It is time to move on and a time to stop looking back. This is a time to move forward and not backward. Memories will not be forgotten neither will they be perished. I am keeping them safe in my heart and mind because I know I still need them to boost my spirit. I will not ask myself why I did it instead I am going to ask myself how I am going to make it work.

It has been a long time and I guess it is a time worth waiting for. As much as I want to escape from it, I cannot deny the fact that I am abnormal. Time and again I have written my thoughts on who has the right to say that someone is abnormal. I began to realize that I was living in denial. I have to admit to you, my dear diary that I have failed. This soul of mine is crying out loud inside wanting to be heard and waiting to be noticed. It hopes that I realized my ultimate desire. But how is that possible when I have to acknowledge that I was born abnormal or perhaps should I say imperfect? Help me diary, help me find the answer. Am I the chosen one to lead a life abnormal like this? Are we all the gay people special in His eyes that he has chose us instead of them to become gay? Why did we turn out to be like this? Is He trying to see how far we can go? Is this our ultimate test of life?

With every step I walk, I never failed to think about it, with every breath I make, I never once stop asking. If only I could just wake up one day into a new woman with new personalities, if only I had been born normal. I feel I am closer to Him nowadays than before. I feel that I am more mellowed nowadays than before but I am only human with feelings and emotions, with desires and lust. I tried so hard already but it didn't want to go, perhaps I didn't try hard enough. I don't know diary. It hurts so much to be like this. The thought of my late brother came into my mind and it almost breaks me down. I have disappointed a lot of people especially my family and if only they knew how sorry I am. With every look I took at my parents, my heart sank to the bottom. It feels so heavy and the weight is almost unbelievable. I need fresh air diary, I need to compose myself, and I need guidance for a better tomorrow because I am afraid to die without preparations when I know my days are numbered.

the lousy chicken pie

Dear diary,

things are getting serious and I don't know what to do and how to react. Honestly, for the first time I feel so lost for words and answers. It is very difficult to be in a situation where emotions are involved. It will just make you feel difficult to make decision. Every word you say counts and you just don't want to say the wrong words or say something when you meant another thing. When I got to know her, she wanted me to take her as my little sister and that was what I did. I have registered in my brain that she is my little sister and the love that I am going to shower her is a love of a big sister to a little sister. It’s been almost 2 years and I haven't changed that because I never thought it would be happening. The truth is out now and I am in a dilemma. I just don't know what to say anymore. She wanted to be honest with me and to let it out, I listened and I heard her. I have decided to be fair to everybody and told her to take it easy and give herself sometime to be sure if it is just infatuation or if it is real love. I think I can manage with all the issues here but I am just not sure if I can manage them well. I told her to wait till I am there for good and see how it goes from there.

She text message me many times about this issue and by reading between the lines, I think I perfectly understand her desire and her deepest feelings about the whole thing. I am beginning to have a soft spot for her diary. The things she said in her text messages and the things she has done for me proved that she is serious. She speaks the truth and said that it's not possible for something to happen between us. I just had to find out why and I asked her. It proved that it was my biggest blunder. I was asked to ask myself if I can love her the way she wanted me to love her, I was asked if I can love her like how she has love me. For the first time, I was at a loss for words and I left her message unanswered.

If it were any other girls, I would have easily put my vocal talent into effect but no, not with little sister. I cannot do this with little sister because I knew I have loved her like blood. The feelings I have for little sister is purely of a pair of a sibling. I feel the need to protect her and to shower her with love because I feel that it's my moral duty and my responsibility. I have loved her since the day I knew her and I still love her but I am not ready to take it to the next level yet. I still need time and I don't want to rush things. There are many things which are uncertain right now and I would rather play it safe and slow than fast and dangerous. Little sister deserves nothing but only the best treatment from me and if I want to take it to the next level, I must make sure that I want to do it. However it goes, I cannot break her heart because I have considered her like my own flesh and blood. I will let no one or even myself to hurt her.

Chicken pie did it again and honestly I have grown tired of it all. She reached Singapore as scheduled but somehow she got so busy with her cousins that she forgot to call me to make appointment for breakfast. I didn't go to world trade centre on Sunday morning because I knew she would not be there. She called me at 9 in the morning and apologized. I kind of knew it would happen and I got even more turned off. I bought the Braun electric toothbrush for her to hand carry the gift and present it to her face to face. I planned to make it a short but sweet meeting for us but it proves that we probably are only meant to meet once and only get comfortable on the phone. If that's the case then I can easily ignore her mushy names for me.

She told me she's coming back on Wednesday and hopes to meet me in the evening. I didn't say anything to that neither did I look forward to it. I told her straightforward that we probably are not meant to meet more than once even if we are at close proximity. She apologized again and she sounded like she felt bad and guilty and I just smiled at the tone of her voice. I might have to meet hulk one of these days to use his courier service to mail the toothbrush to chicken pie. I guess that will be my last gift for her. I couldn't wait for her phone call once she received the toothbrush. she would surely tells me she's buying something for me and asked me what do I want like as if I am so hard up about it. What is even more unbelievable, the gift would never come and I kind of knew she was just saying that for the sake of formality. She always talks but never walks her talk. It is probably one of her flaws even how much I think she likes me. A leopard cannot change its spots and people just cannot change their habit easily even for the one they like or love. If I were to go steady with her, it would probably be this that I have to put up with and I don't think I can.

I don't know why I am saying all these. Perhaps I knew little sister is there to back me up and I knew she loves me unconditionally. It is good to have someone who can love you unconditionally and most importantly, delivers her promises. Have I told you about the birthday gift? I don't mind about the gift but it's the attitude in herself and her effort to keep to her promises that makes me admire her. She’s worth it you know diary...she is really worth it. She’s not like the other girls I have known who brought nothing but miseries to my life. Wait a minute, I had probably been a bitch to them first that made them such a bitch to me. Anyway, those kinds of girls can kiss my ass goodbyes. They only look you up when they need something from you and need you to do them a favour. Girls like that can go to hell and don't deserve my attentions. I am an angry girl again diary...look at what chicken pie has done to me. This is what happen when you have tasted too much of something and you cannot stand it anymore. *chuckles* I am fine diary, don't worry about me. In law, there is such a thing as 'cooling off period' and therefore, I would like to call this session my own 'steaming off period'.

Taj mahal is quiet and I think she is probably busy with her school work. Her exam is just around the corner, having law exam is something which you do not want to get sidetrack. It requires lots of focus and attention. Lots of readings need to be done. She is probably buried in her books and has grown white hair all over her head or probably has gone crazy and been admitted to a mental institution for law terminologies overdosed. *grins* wait till she hears about this and she would be tickling me all over. I love it when she touched me. She ran her fingers through my hair when we spent the night together and it was a good feeling.

You know what I am afraid of? My greatest weakness has always been girls; I can be such an angel around them. I am not faking my kindness neither am I being superficial but that is who am I. i like being around girls and i enjoy their company very much. As a result I sometimes developed feelings towards more than one girl at one period of time and those girls may response to my feelings which resulted in chaos. How can you love more than one girl at one time or having more than one girl to like you at any given period of time? You become much divided in your attentions and it's hard for you to focus on just one girl. You get caught and people started to accuse you of being superficial, play girl or in plain simple Malay, gatal. *chuckles* I am sure there are many who are facing the same problem like me out there.

It’s just so hard for them to admit. Well, at least I have something that I can be proud of about myself; owning up my weakness. However, I have to let you know diary that I don't sleep with girls easily. I flirt with them but I don't sleep with them. Flirting does not always end up sleeping together does it? Well, nobody likes to be labeled as a playgirl or to be called gatal but somehow; you just have no control over circumstances. I seldom initiate things, but I just wanted to be close with girls and perhaps in my effort to do that, I might have been misunderstood by the jealous girlfriends of the girls I have known. It can get crazy and out of control sometimes but I know when to stay away and everything will be fine after I have stayed away. It’s always like that and I am glad it just stops there. Perhaps I haven't come across anybody who is a psychopath lunatic girlfriend. *grins*

Oh diary, do you still remember Sandakan? She is like my email pal nowadays. We always exchange emails and I have gotten to know a bit about herself and her background. She seems nice and honest in all her emails. I am being a little secretive towards her. I just don't want her to find out more about me. I have never been so secretive and mysterious towards anyone before online and she is the first one. It’s probably because after bad experiences with few people and I have grown wiser with the experiences. It is true that people say, experience is the teacher of a fool.

sisters in love

dear diary, I collected the parcel yesterday's evening at the post office nearby my home. I actually had forgotten about it and made a dinner appointment with hippo when the alarm from my palmtop reminded me of it. I told hippo to have dinner nearer to our residence instead of orchard. the parcel was wrapped with white wrapping paper and it had my name and address on it. I couldn't wait to open it up when I got it. all I ever wanted was to see my little sister and that's all that matters.

it was frustrating because I reached the post office early and I will be meeting hippo only after an hour so I had all the time to myself. I didn't know where to open the parcel and I was kind of shy to open it in public. coincidentally, I had to answer nature's call and while in the toilet, I just had to take a peek *grins*. I tore the wrapping paper and I open the box. there they were, two photos of her and she was smiling at me. *chuckles* she told me she's short but she doesn't look short in the photos. I am not sure because pictures can be very deceiving. she has shoulder length hair and her looks is a mixture of Chinese and Malay.

I was happy when I saw her pictures and I was saying to myself, so this is how my little sister look like. imagine this diary, it's almost a year and a half we have known each other and we have only heard each other's voices but never knew how each other looks like. so I had every reason to be happy about having the chance to look at her. in the box, there were a piece of paper with a poem she wrote specially for me and there was a gift which I have kept in my wardrobe. hang tuah seemed to be more excited than me over the present. I brought it home and placed the box on my table and the next minute, hang tuah was all over the box sniffing and scratching the box. he's always like that with new things at home, always curious and nosy and in his curiosity can make a clown out of himself.

I read the poem little sister wrote for me and I felt so touched. she's just so wonderful and I knew she appreciates me. I actually forgot her birthday diary and I am trying so hard to recall when is her birthday. I have to buy her something on her birthday. I just realised I didn't record it down in my palmtop. oh dear, I have no idea how to recall when is her birthday. I knew I wrote it somewhere in here but I have to search the archives and believe me it can be very taxing because I don't even have the exact month. you know, when I read the poem I knew it is from her heart and that's very heart-warming. I better get started on checking when is her birthday before I miss it.

hippo came and I hid myself from her. I watched her looked for me and I giggled to myself. I love doing that to her, she will look all so blur and lost like a child searching for her mother in a crowded place. I walked towards her slowly from behind and tap her shoulder when I stood right behind her and laughed at her when she turned to look. I have always been the playful and mischievous one among my friends. I will always teased them and joked with them over anything and we would all laughed to our hearts content. I remember one day in school when we just got our new mathematics revision book. mine was not in a perfect condition even though it was new. the front cover was folded and I hated it. I looked around in my class to look for a victim, I saw hulk and I walked up to him. hulk has always been someone whom I bully in school. he's big and tall but very soft with girls and I took advantage of it.

I carried my book and I talked to him about bicycles, I distracted his attention and I put my book on his desk and carried on the conversation with him with a hidden agenda. I made another classmate of us softie, joined the conversation to spice things up. I ended the conversation and took his book instead of mine back to my seat laughing happily in my heart that a mission was successful. hulk's textbook was nice, there was not any folded pages and I would like to have my book like that. I thought my mission was a success and I happily sat in my seat smiling at softie when hulk came to my desk with the revision book in his hand. he looked at me smiling and was about to take my book from the desk when I grabbed the book and ran away from him giggling so hard that I almost fell on the floor rolling. he chased after me and that made me even more excited and ran like I have never ran before. softie knew what was happening and laughed at us.

hulk couldn't catch me because I was too fast for him. I held tight to his book not wanting to give in and told him that it was my book that I was holding on to. I told him to settle with the book in his hand and just be happy with its condition. he smiled and said he knew I was lying and wanted his book back. I knew I didn't have much choice but to escape from him and so I ran to the corner of the class giggling and laughing away. he chased after me and I turned left to the other corner of the classroom. softie and hippo were enjoying themselves and I dashed passed them, stopped and hid behind them.

I made softie became a barrier between hulk and i. he tried to reach me with his hands but I had softie to obstruct him while hippo laughed uncontrollably. it was like a giant trying to catch a dwarf. the giant had his hands all over the place and the dwarf was like playing boxing with the giant, trying her best to avoid the giant's hands. it was extremely funny and anybody who had seen it would have laughed at us. the four of us were laughing and giggling away when suddenly the teacher came in from the back door. we became quiet instantly and froze ourselves. I tried hard to control my laughter. we were caught off guard and I had to return the book back to hulk and settled for the one with the folded cover. it was so hilarious, fun and childish of us but hey, we had fun and a good laugh and I guess that is something I will always remember. up till today I will still laugh hard about it whenever I look back and reminisce. I missed those days when I was 16 and had nothing to worry about. everything was all about play and fun.

hippo and I decided to have dinner at Sakura. while waiting for our food I saw a big family came in. there were 8 adults and 1 child. I felt instantly jealous when I looked at them at the same time sad. I knew the family originally consisted of only 5 people but it expanded to 8 people after the children in the family got married. I took a look at them and thought of my late brother. I have become so sensitive and sentimental nowadays I don't know why. I just thought that everybody's family is expanding but not mine instead we are shrinking and that's so sad. I spoke to hippo about it and told her that I want to expand my family. she looked at me and smiled. I guess she knows what I meant and I quickly told her that I want to adopt 4 orphans and I will make my family grow from there. hippo nodded her head and teased me to get married. I made faces at her and threw the cut green chilli at her and both of us laughed. one thing about hippo is she listens to me and put up with my attitude and I guess that's what makes us close. we tolerate each other's nonsense and have mutual respect towards each other.

lady-Jo called me out of the blue from kl. she has never called me and it was really a surprise when she did. she's coming to Singapore next week for 5 days and hope that I can bring her around. my family has planned to go to port dickson next weekend and I am not sure if I am able to bring lady-Jo around. since she will be here from Thursday onwards, I told her it's possible to meet on Thursday evening. I will probably take her to dinner at Newton for seafood or to lau pa sat. they serve good seafood there, I just hope she's not allergic to seafood. it's been awhile since I met her. the last time I met her was last year and that was only for a short while. she's coming with her gf and I can sense that she's happy with her butch gf now. her life is progressing, she has gone to places and has indulge herself with things she likes with her gf now. lady-Jo always contradicts herself. I have only known her as a pure les and I never thought she would go steady with a butch. I have met her gf a couple of times and I can get along with her. at least she's a fine and wise butch than those young and rowdy ones.

little sister called me today and I spoke to her about her gifts. I thanked her and told her how appreciative I am. we spoke long today and while I was talking to her, I imagined how she would look like. I imagined her facial expressions and her body language. I imagined how she would dress and I smiled to myself. I asked if we could meet whenever I am in KL and she seemed to hesitate. I was surprised because I never thought she would hesitate to answer that question. all these while, I thought she would have been waiting for me to ask but when I finally did, I realised it is something she does not look forward to. I was taken aback and felt a bit offended. I asked her why and she was reluctant to answer me truthfully. I insisted for an answer and then she told me. do you remember I told you about the email she sent me? she didn't call me big sister in that email and later on she honestly admitted that she had a crush on me and thus figured that if we were to meet, it would make her like me more and she's afraid of that. she claimed that she has been thinking about it till it has affected her sleep.

I never knew that it was going to be that serious. I knew she had a crush on me but I thought it was over and she has moved on from there. she has been keeping it to herself and only let me know when I pressed her. she seems adamant about not meeting me for now at least and I am not sure when are we finally going to meet. I do not know how to describe my feelings now, I feel really upset when she hesitated to meet me. somehow, I can feel it right here in my heart like someone has just hit it hard and I am feeling the pain now. I don't know now how sincere little sister is in our relationship and I am not sure where do I stand in her life. I am not sure if she is nice to me because she likes me as her sister or she is having a crush on me which will fade away soon. I never paid attentions to her reasons, all I thought was to meet her and I was turned down because she was afraid. it all reminded me of police when I asked her to meet. she was so afraid to meet me because she seemed to think that I might not like her after we have met.

I don't understand all these people, it's puzzling and it makes me confuse. if a boy and a girl can have a platonic relationship, why can't us the gay people? little sister apologised to me and promised that nothing is ever going to change our relationship. I am assuming that she is disturbed about the whole confession now because I told her it's quite hurtful to know that she's not ready to meet me yet. I text message her just now and told her not to worry about anything. I’m fine and I understand her. I don't want her to be worrying about it. I just want her to feel happy that's all. she's such an angel and she doesn't deserves to be sad or guilty. I love her diary and I really would like to know what does she want me to say to her. it seemed that she wanted me to say something to her when she confessed but I couldn't know what was it. I didn't want to say the wrong things either. I hope she's ok now and won't be too depressed over the whole issue. it's really nothing. perhaps we are not meant to be sisters after all, we can only wait and see.

chicken pie can taste good

dear diary, little sister called this morning and she didn't sound her usual self. i don't know what's wrong with her but she didn't sound cheerful like she always does. i don't know if it has to do with the confession but i hope she is cool about it all. she slept at 4 am last night and woke up at 7 in the morning today. i told her to go home and sleep cos she really needs the sleep. study has said that if a person is sleep deprived, he will get very edgy and grumpy. he will lose focus easily and his concentration level will drop gradually. it has also been said that people who is food deprived can last for 11 days but if he is sleep deprived, he only can lsst shorter than 11 days. look how serious it is when you are sleep deprived. little sister has shown that signs and i know she has not been sleeping well. i hope she takes good care of herself and not to neglect her health and well-being. i tried not to bring up the subject but i just thought i have to. she sounded distress on the phone so i told her if it is about the confession, just take it easy. i am sure that time will take care of everything.

i received a call from chicken pie and she told me about her plan over this weekened. did i tell you she is coming diary? she's going for a cruise and the cruise is leaving from singapore world trade centre at noon on sunday. she will leave kl for singapore tomorrow at 6 and will probably reach at midnight. if only i had my license already, i could fetch her from golden mile and send her to her cousin's place at ang mo kio. it's near to my place about 20 minutes drive. damn...if only i had start my driving lessons earlier i am sure i would have gotten my license already! damn!! anyway, we have made arrangements to meet on sunday morning at world trade centre. she's going to be with her cousins and i hope it's not too awkward for us especially me with strangers around. it's been a while since we last met but i feel like we have met for many times. probably because we talk a lot on the phone and have gotten comfortable with each other.

i have to give her the toothbrush she's been waiting for and i think i will get her a card or something. i am quite excited to meet her but knowing that her cosins will be present has created quite a bit of a turn off. i really wonder when do i get to meer her alone to have an up close and personal conversation. the first time i met her was a double date with her sister and this time round, her cousins are going to be around. damn! it's sickening at times. chicken pie sounded very lovely on the phone just now. this is one thing about her that i like so much. she can sound so much like a woman you know and i like that. she's like the no nonsense girl and it's so easy to get her to understand something that you are trying to tell her. she's sharp and matured. i think it's probably because of the nature of her job. being a personal assistant in a law firm makes her always on her toes and efficient. i imagine sometimes that she would be my PA someday when i own my own law firm. it's going to be fun and perhaps we can have sex on my desk in my room! *LOL* ohh my god, what am i thinking?? excuse me diary but i was just kidding ok. don't think of me like i am a pervert or a sex maniac. i didn't mean what i say, it's just something i said out of jest.

diary, i am thinking of my late brother suddenly. i am feeling sad now. i have to go. catch you later ok. please take care.

let's do whatever we can

Dear diary, I saw kiddo online last night on YM and I left her alone. I didn't chat up with her not wanting to make things uncomfortable between us. There is nothing serious about it but I have noticed that every time we chat we ended up having misunderstood each other. Things have not been tense between us because I never take those misunderstandings seriously because I know they are just purely misunderstandings from grudges over old issues. I dumped her over aramis and I was bold and insensitive towards her after the break up. She kind of feel cheated, disappointed and upset with me so I guess every little simple misunderstanding can turn ugly.

I was about to forget she was online when she chatted up with me. We exchanged greetings and I didn't pay full attention to her. She felt it and asked if I was busy. She called me many times and I answered her only once. Then she accused me of raising my voice at her which I didn't. What’s even funnier is, we were chatting on YM and how could she tell if I had raised my voice at her when she couldn't even hear my voice? I knew then it has started so I let her talk alone occasionally being defensive when it's necessary. I didn't take her accusation seriously and I just played along with her. I chatted with her about other stuffs and things got better.

What I notice about tension building up, is one party must be calm and cool. The good thing about kiddo is she may be young but she is easier to handle than Pontianak. Pontianak is just so complex who complicates simple things and always thinks she is right and everybody else is wrong. I just cannot argue with Pontianak because when you talk to her on general matters she may think that you are attacking her and she starts counter attack you back and leave you wondering what did you say wrong or do wrong.

She takes silly jokes seriously and thus gets offended easily. Honestly, I never come across any human who is so difficult like that. I might be insensitive with my jokes and tease but I couldn't help to wonder how come it is only with her that I have a problem conveying my messages and not everybody else? Things are always not right with her but either way, I believe she has some good qualities which I might have overlook. Perhaps I have misunderstood her the way she has misunderstood me and both of us just didn't want to acknowledge that. Let’s get back to kiddo, shall we?

When things got better we talked about more juicy stuffs like cars, life and religion. From the boring chat session it has turned into interesting conversation. Kiddo told me she has started driving on the roads without a license. She has even driven a car from KL to Pahang and I just listened to her. I was not surprise but I was more afraid for her. I wouldn't do that if I were her, there are too many risks involved. She seems so cool about it and not to worry a bit. That is not something you want to do in Singapore. The penalty if you are caught is too much for you to risk. Kiddo has changed a lot after we broke up. From a very decent and timid girl to a very wild and daredevil.

I have heard stories of her and the things she does to make her who she is. Some are shocking and unbelievable but some are just normal stuffs girls her age do for kicks, fun and thrill. I feel like she has gone for some personalities reincarnation. She is so different now that you wouldn't believe what she was like when she was with me. A close and trusted source told me she changed because of what I did to her. I knew that was coming and I didn't need anyone to tell me that. Kiddo once told me openly that I was the caused for all the bad habits she picked up today. She told me how much she hated me and wish that she had never known me but still we are friends now. This is what people say, we say things we didn't mean when we are angry. I guess it's true.

Kiddo wants to get herself a motorcycle, a big race bike so that she can go riding with her friends. She mentioned something about 'combo' which I tried hard to figure out what she meant by that. It was actually convoy and then I understood. She used too many slang and languages which I simply do not understand. Often I asked her back what she meant and she got fed up with me for not being able to figure out. How am I supposed to when all the language and the slang seem all so foreign to me? Imagine if I had used Singaporean slang in our conversation, I am sure she wouldn't have been able to understand what I said too.

We moved on to religion and I told her about the Newsweek report that interrogators in the Guantanamo Bay camp threw the holy Quran into the toilets to rattle Muslim prisoners. It has created quite major reactions from the Muslim world all over the world and it is something which is very despicable and rude. US secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has been very disturbed by the news and demands immediate investigations about the allegations. Newsweek has retracted back the reports claiming that the report was a mistake. Kiddo was angered when she knew about it, it seemed that she just came to light about the news and this proved that she has not been reading the papers nor watch the news.

Kiddo spoke passionately about what she thinks and I reflected on the things I used to do with her while we were together. She was so vulnerable back then, very soft-spoken and always clinging to me like a baby when I was with her. I wonder sometimes what it would be like if we would have stayed together. She was still hoping for me to get back to her after the break up, she came to JB and stayed for one night just to feel close with me. I came over to meet her before leaving for Penang to meet aramis. I knew she was hurt and I let it be. In my mind at that time was all about aramis, everything I did, I did it for her. I don't know if you would have blamed me for it, but what would you do if a girl you genuinely fell in love with came back into your life after she has gone missing for 3 years?

You waited patiently for her hoping and praying that she would come back and when she did, you are with someone else. I swear that aramis means so much to me. She makes me feel happy all the time. Just one text message from her can make me smile all day long. A missed call from her is enough to make me excited. It’s those simple things that only I know make her who she is to me. It feels like magic you know...it's in the way she speaks to me, it's in the way she teases me that I have no words to describe. I loved her and I love her still and it hurts me to feel like this. Aramis is too special for me that I cannot afford to forget her or to hate her even if she has hurt me like crazy.

I am sure that everybody has someone like aramis in his life and I think they would agree with me that it is painful to be in love like this. This is why I am so afraid to fall in love again. I know I will leave her for aramis if aramis comes back to my life and I don't want to hurt anybody anymore. Kiddo is a nice girl which I turned into little monster. How much I want to make it up to her, still I think it can't compensate for all the pain she has suffered. I still wish she would know how sorry I am for the troubles I have caused her.

I asked kiddo if she has started praying which she told me she wanted to. She wanted to come clean first, she said she feels that it is pointless if she prays but still leads a life like that. She adds that she will pray when she has turned over a new leaf. All that talk reminded me of oldie and how kiddo has exactly repeated what oldie meant about it. I believe many of the people like us have that kind of ideology where it is pointless to pray when we are gay. Being gay is sinful and some of us see it as a waste of time to pray. I cannot deny that I do think like that sometimes and how it affected me so bad.

I get depress easily thinking about it and began to think how unworthy I have become in His eyes. But I started to counter my thoughts with logic and I realized that no matter how I lead my life, I am still a Muslim and I have a responsibility to fulfill. I may not be strong enough to fulfill the responsibility to leave my life as gay but I do know I still have my conscience. Being gay will definitely not stop me from fulfilling my other duties as a Muslim. If I can do things which add nothing but sins to my existing sins then I definitely can do things which add credits to my existing credits. There are many other things that you do which can lead you to collect more sins than credits and vice versa.

I was just thinking to myself that if there are times when you try to avoid doing sinful acts, there are of course times when you try to do as many good deeds to add credits to yourself. We do what we can afford to do whether or not they are accepted as credits to our name that is not for us to decide. If we wait till we turn over a new leaf completely to start praying, I am afraid that it might be too late. How would we even know we would have the opportunity to do so? Do we have time when we know our days are numbered? I cannot afford to let every opportunity slip by me without taking a chance to make full use of it. As much as I realized where I will end up being a practicing gay, I also do not want to give up fighting for a place in heaven with what I can within my reach. It is so simple in Islam to earn credits and sins, we just have to know what do we want to do and we cannot at all time limits ourselves. I guess my reasoning made some sense to kiddo and I just let her be by herself and her own thoughts.

We spoke about cars next and I know kiddo has more interest in cars with manual transmission than automatic. She speaks so strongly about cars with manual transmission and began to sound like a manual transmission car salesman or activist. *chuckles* personally, I know the pros and cons of a manual transmission cars than auto cars and I have always preferred manual cars but I am afraid that I get tired easily when it's traffic jam. My friend, sporting has repeatedly advice to get an auto transmission car as it would do me good in the long run. Furthermore, I have just learnt how to drive and she doesn't think that I can easily get used to the roads conditions in KL with a manual transmission car. I don't know diary, but I love driving and the art of driving is to master how a manual transmission car works does.

Driving an auto car is easy but it can also be boring. There’s not much footwork to be done and if you are so used to driving only auto transmission cars, you will tend to forget how to drive a manual car. That’s what happen to my cousin and she is so afraid to drive a manual car now. Kiddo and I exchange views on cars and for the first time after we broke up, I think that was the most fun conversation I have ever had with her. We started off rough but we got back right on track to how it was supposed to be.

I told her that if my budget doesn't meet the requirements to purchase a car I might end up driving the caravan with the cows pulling it. Both of us laughed and I was glad that things turned out ok. From all the topics we have discussed, kiddo never failed to ask if I was single or attached. I didn't ask her status and neither did she tell me. I just figured that it was not important to know. Furthermore, we came in to chat with no intention of tying the knot or whatsoever. I am out of ideas what to write anymore diary. I will continue tomorrow, talk to you later.

no more mr. nice guy

dear diary, i am not sure if i am the only one in my family who is feeling this way. on saturday, my brother offered to send me to darul arqam for my quran class. i rejected his offer not wanting to burden him but he insisted and so i reluctantly agreed. i wasn't being proud or anything like that when i refused but i was just afraid if anything would happen to him. i was afraid that he would meet with some mishaps along the way and oh diary *sigh* ...i don't know what's going on inside my brain. everytime i am home, i want all my family members to be home with me.

i want to watch them and i want all of them to be under my nose. i don't want them to be away from me because in my thoughts i wouldn't be able to watch them and keep them away from harm. i was just thinking if anything were to happen to them, i want to be around them. if i can't save them at least i want to be near them to give them a feeling of comfort. dad wanted to go out on sunday noon for a hair cut. when he was about to leave, i didn't want to let him go. i felt like pulling him back to the house with all my might. i knew that was crazy so i stood at the door watching him leave praying in my heart to keep him safe. tell me that it was normal for me to be like that diary.

tell me that it is natural for me to feel that way. i just don't want to lose another one of my family anymore. i know they have to leave someday but not now at least or in the coming years. just let me have the opportunity to provide them with the happiness and wealth i have planned for them. just let us be together for a long long time before one of us have to leave. i am not ready yet to watch another one of us leave again. i read and watch the news everyday and there are always people who died from illness or accidents and i know now that it could happen to anybody in any family. i don't want to go through it again diary, at least not in the near future. i am living in fear now you know...i am afraid that i have to wake up with news that is not music to my ears. i am just so afraid, very afraid.

i keep imagining that if i were to be left alone in this world to take care of myself, would i be able to? i have always had my family to watch over me, if i have a bad day in school or at work, i know that i can come home to the warmth of my family. i know i will be okay when i got home and share my stories with my family and they will definitely make me feel fine. but when they are gone and i am left all alone, things will be different and i just have to get on with life on my own. i have always felt closed to my late brother. when i just started school, he was in the same session with me and he looked after me.

everytime i spent my pocket money on something which i wasn't supposed to, he was always there to make sure i had enough to eat sacrificing his own meals at times. tell me how am i supposed to carry on without him and my family diary? they mean so much to me and i don't think i will survive emotionally without them around. all these while i thought i was strong but i was wrong. my heart is so delicate like china and it is cracking now slowly. i hope that my prayers are answered and that my family and i get to be together for a long long time before one of us have to pass on again.

we went to the cemetary on sunday afternoon. it has only been two weeks but it feel like a very long time since we last visited him. i felt sad when i was there. i kept reflecting on the past and still think and hope that after all these while, what has happened was a dream. mum, dad and my eldest brother read some prayers for him. i just sat there and watched his grave with regrets and anger. i am not sure if i will ever overcome my feelings but i am sure it will be a very long time till i am able to. i cannot help to think that i was the caused of his death. somehow or rather the things i said and the things i did to him led to his death. i feel sorry for what i had said to him and i regret so much for not being able to take it back.

if only i had been a little more sensitive towards his feelings, if only i had been more mellowed and remorsed. i tried to make it up to him for what i have said. i helped to take care of him more than my other brothers did. i helped to carry him, washed, bathed, fed and cleaned him but still i felt that they were not enough. i needed to do more and i am hoping so much that i am able to read the quran by end of this year. i am progressing now little by little. it is tough to catch up with the class but i am learning it at my own pace. i am able to recognise the words, spell and read it slowly now. i tried to read 'Yassin' on my own without the help of any

romanise words and i was successful in reading the very first phrase. it took me about 5 minutes with the picking out of the 'mad', 'ikhfa' and then spelling it. i feel more confident now and i want to get myself a Quran soon. i am very excited diary. the quran module 2 is a little fast for me and i am really confuse because the ustaz has started to teach us on tajwid and i just realised there are so many rules on tajwid which i need to understand first. i need to refer back to my notes and get the rules registered in my brain.

i have noticed that the plants we planted on his grave have grown bigger and out of shape. that reminds me to bring a pair of scissors the next time we visit him. sometimes i really wonder if he knows we are there paying respect to him. i really wonder if he would be sitting among us while we read him the prayers. i wonder too if he would be waiting for us to come visit him and would he be dissapointed if we didn't. i ponder at those thoughts sometimes and muse what would he be doing in the other world. i hope that all of our prayers for him have reached him and are doing him good. i hope that all of us will meet again someday when we have been freed from our sins and live together again as one happy family.

my eldest brother took us to little india Muthu's Curry for dinner after the cemetery. it was our second time there and this time we managed to try their naan bread. the first time we went was in the afternoon and they don't serve bread in the afternoon. we got there just in time for dinner and it was just perfect timing. i ate 3/4 of the plain naan with fish head curry, masala chicken and sambal mutton. mum and dad had white and beriyani rice respectively. i didn't finish my share of bread, i just felt that i am eating lesser and lesser. i think my stomach has shrunk cos i definitely can't eat a big portion of food anymore. Muthu's curry is one of the popular indian restaurant among singaporeans. it has big crowds almost every night and is even popular with the expatriates of any race living in singapore. the meal was good but i would prefer the food at the turkey restaurant in arab street better.

driver did it again and this time he really made me mad. i am just so dissapointed with him diary. hippo complaint to me about him and i told her that it's really up to her to rent the place to him or not. she has seen and deal with driver a few times now and it suffices to judge him. i told driver to grow up and be a man and have some decent courtesy to call or at least inform in advance if he is not able to show up for appointments. he gave me excuses and i shut him up. i am sick and tired of helping him, he didn't appreciate my help and i don't see any reasons for me to be polite and nice with him anymore. my sympathy goes to him but i cannot be helping him anymore. driver has crossed my line too many times and he ought to be ashamed of himself. time and again i have told him never to take my kindness and help for granted but he wouldn't listen and he has to face the consequences now. he can consider himself lucky if hippo still wants to rent him her place. i don't want to influence her decision anymore, i may not want hippo to take the risk but ultimately hippo owns the place and everything is all in her hands.

i received a phone call from big sister on sunday and she wished me a happy belated birthday. i knew she would be wishing me that when i saw her name displayed on my mobile phone screen. big sister has never failed to wish me happy birthday. even how late it is, she will always make an effort and i just think that it's very sweet of her. our relationship may not be like before but it is enough that she keeps it a point to remember my birthday. she has found love with someone else and i guess she just moved on from where i left her. i didn't treat her right anyway.

i have to admit that i get jealous of her girlfriend sometimes, but i know she deserves the happiness her girlfriend gave her which i cannot give. i broke her heart diary and she hated me for that but i knew her love overrides her hatred for me and that's why we are still friends now. big sister has nothing in physical appearance that would made my friends believed i had something going on with her. i think they would probably be rolling on the floor laughing at me. it's strange because i have noticed that i usually fall for someone simple even though my taste is high to be exact but i just get frighten with girls i consider attractive. in my mind i just thought that they are difficult to handle and has a high maintenance prerequisites. big sister is the opposite and was very caring towards me when i first met her. she was like the loyal housewife every husband would want. she cooked and washed my clothes for me.

she scratched my back to make me sleep and she fed me with her hand. she took care of me so perfectly fine that i fell for her. curly fries knows about big sister and i. all she said was i am who i am whatever she meant by that. things between us didn't work out, she found out i was attached with traveller and backed off. she called me a liar and i only shrugged her off. well, at least i apologised and we remained friends. traveller knew of what i did with big sister but she didn't ask me about it and i just let it be. looking back i have realised that i have broken so many hearts and when i got my heart broken, i finally realised how painful it is. *chuckles* what goes around will comes around. well, i don't regret anything, they and i are still friends and neither of us are at the losing end. i can live with that...

money is indeed what everything's about

dear diary, it was the last episode of survivor last night and everybody knows who is the winner now. it is Tom, the fire fighter and i think he deserves it. he is a very athletic guy winning most of the immunity challenges till the very last episode. he is forty years old but can be a great challenge to the young people physically. have you noticed something about the current trend now diary?

reality television programmes are in and in countries like the America where entertainment is everything, ordinary folks like you and i are able to be fifty thousand richer or millionaires just by doing some stunts, enduring living in an island away from civilisation and to be the first to reach at the final destination after travelling almost around the world. it looks like people no longer need to depend on lottery to get rich quick since there are many other alternatives available. and what's even more attractive, apart from standing a chance to win big money, if you happen to have some commercial qualities which can be valuable to the producers, you might win yourself some fame as well.

i would love to know what it feels like to have a cheque of one million dollars with your name on it. it sure feels good and i am sure will make all problems go away. let's face it, many of the primary problems people face concerns money, outstanding bills, mortgage loans, personal loans, study loans, renovation loans and even domestic problems are caused by money. i have often heard that money cannot buy everything but in actual fact you do need money to buy everything in this modern digital world. the world has changed and people don't exchange goods anymore instead they buy and to buy goods, people need money.

experiences have taught me that it is crucial to be cash rich, my insurance advisor has told me once that many singaporeans are CPF rich instead of cash rich. he is probably right because personally i have come across many people who are without savings. they depend wholly on their salary and are always broke by end of the month before their next pay day. it is somewhat sad but we just can't help it. i have been there and done that before. it feels very miserable to have to be dependent so much on your salary without having any savings. what's even worse, there are too many outstanding bills to be settled and you are almost into something which is over your head. if you are not careful, you might drown and it's very dangerous.

i am glad i have graduated from those days and believe me, it sure feels good now to be debt free with reasonable amount of extra cash in hand. if i had won a million dollars, i would set aside a hundred thousand dollars for charity. i would donate it to the orphanage and the mosques on behalf of the whole family excluding my youngest brother. i would give dad, mum and my eldest brother each a hundred thousand dollars with the conditions that they are not allowed to use the money to finance my youngest brother's undertakings if he were face with any financial difficulties. i will pay the remaining mortgage loan and the car loan for my family.

i will build the dream house mum always wanted on her plot of land back at her hometown. it will be the most perfect and beautiful house. those are the few things i want to do if i won myself a million dollars. *chuckles* yeah, but those are just fantasies which is possible but difficult to bring to life. perhaps i will be only half or maybe a quarter to a millionaire in twenty years time when i get my insurance pay out. *chuckles* oh how pitiful i am to have to wait for twenty years before i am able to be at least a quarter of a millionaire. *giggles*

talking about insurance, i need to get another policy from NTUC. this is more of a necessity because i might have to take up study loan and i am planning to use the three years once payout to service the loan. i have it all planned and i hope i am successful in getting the loan so mum needs not have to be burden with financing my studies. with my savings and the loan i think it suffices for me to get by. i just have to live moderately and not too expect too much luxury. we are reaching the end of May and i am all excited about the whole thing. please make it go smoothly for me and i will be the most happiest woman on earth.

little sister's gift has arrived but there was no one at home to receive it. i have to collect the gift from the nearest post office from tomorrow onwards. the parcel will be redirected from the main post office to the one nearest my home. i cannot wait to collect it. i want to look at my little sister!! she will surely be excited if she knows i have got her parcel. she called me on sunday and asked if i had received the parcel. she sounds cheerful and noisy as usual. i wonder how would it be like if we have met. she's shorter than me and that is why i assume she's cute.

short people are usually cute just like chicken pie. little sister told me about her cousin who just passed away. she was only 17 and she died of liver cancer. i feel sorry for her and i know how does it feel like. i tried to divert her attention from her cousin but i guess she was focussing on that topic. she told me how she felt about the whole thing and when is it going to be her turn. she asked how come it's so easy for her cousin to leave and why is she still here. somehow i believe little sister is frustrated over her condition. many times she told me how she gets so irritated over people who befriended her over sympathy. she gets annoyed when people change towards her just because she has leukemia.

everybody seems so nice and kind and she hates it. i didn't say much when she complaint to me, i just listened to her because i know she doesn't need me to say anything. she just wants me to listen and i will do just that. as much as i want to explain to her about it all still, i have to put her needs at the top priority. she doesn't need anymore explanations, she just needs a friend who would treat her like any other girls regardless whether she is sick or not. i will be that friend of hers, we will not talk about her illness and there will be no special treatment. i am going to treat her the same like how i treat my other friends, if i happen to treat her extra special, that is only because she is my little sister.

little sisters get special treatments from big sister most of the times so she has nothing to complain about if i treat her special. you know diary, everytime she mentions about death, i can feel that tears started to form in my eyes. i just feel sad when i hear her talking about it. i don't want her to go, she has so much to do and so many dreams. she told me that she has the intention to embrace Islam and how was i so glad when i heard that. she's not sure about it yet but she's been contemplating about it. the only thing that's stopping her is how she is. i truly understand her when she said that but i hope it is not too late for her. i hope she has the opportunity to do just that.

she wants to come clean if she is converting and she wants to lead a straight life. she does not want to remain the same even after converting. i guess she is in a dilemma and i comprehend her situations. i probably would say that i am in her situations too, the only difference is that i am a born muslim and she is not. turning over a new leaf does not mean you are getting married are you? i don't really know what i want right now. my focus is on my studies more than anything else. love has not crossed my mind yet although i do feel something for a few people that i have known. i have no more excitement about it to pursue anymore. it is like i have lost all the juice and steam. being around girls make me happy but i am not sure if i want to commit myself with relationships. i'll probably remain single with many intimate girlfriends at my beck and call.*chuckles* life can be fun if you just know how to enjoy it while you can...

don't take my kindness for granted

dear diary i have been looking forward to the amazing race on wednesday only to be dissapointed when my favourite team lost. there were 3 teams left and they were, the notorious rob and amber, the decent uchenna and joyce and the unmatch couple ron and kelly. i began to like rob and amber right from the beginning of the show probably because i am quite familiar with them from survivor. rob is playful and fun while amber is the typical girlfriend who would just sit back and enjoy looking at her fiance's mischiefs. they are known to be the most infamous team on the show and are very good at scheming their way to win the game.

they are the most competitive team on the show and are very consistent in their performance coming in first most of the times. mum hates them because they were sleek in that show and were very manipulative and cocky at times. i like them because i just thought they were adorable and fun. as far as i can recall, i couldn't recall one episode where they had quarelled and shouted at each other. i cannot remember if they had ever been in disagreements over a decision made, thay have always been loving towards each other and i think they are really a compatible couple. they were so cool and relax with each other but still manage to stay in the game being in the top 3 position most of the times. i like how they treat each other and would love to have that kind of bonding with my girlfriend if i will ever have one.

it is probably possible to be like that with taj mahal because she is soft and i am hard. she behaves like amber and will just sit down and watch me behaves occasionally smiling at my mischiefs. she doesn't controll me or tells me how to behaves. i think she is the kind who lets the more dominant one in her relationship have the upper hand. if she sees the need to correct my attitude then she will, otherwise she would gives me the freedom to behave how i like but of course without getting overboard.

i don't know if i can have that kind of relationship with chicken pie. she called me last night to say that she will be coming to singapore next weekend and hope to meet me. she is going for a cruise and the boat is leaving from singapore at noon on sunday. she will be leaving kl on saturday after her class about 3 in the afternoon. i don't think i can meet her on saturday as i will definitely be in JB. so i told her that the only time i can meet her is on sunday morning. she is not really excited upon hearing that cos she has the intention to go clubbing on saturday night here and have another taste of singapore nightlife.

this is the thing with chicken pie that i don't fancy. although i enjoy being with her but she enjoys clubbing which is not my cup of tea. she likes to party and she usually will have dinners, lunch or tea with all her friends whom i think are those kind of people. do you get what i mean diary? i can tell that i will not get comfortable with her friends and if we were a couple, her friends would consider i am unfriendly, proud or vain. well what the heck, who cares anyway when you are an introvert by nature?

talking about relationships, it makes me miss aramis so much. how is she doing right now? is she thinking about me? is she in good health? i miss her diary...i miss her so much, everytime i see a black RAV 4 i would think of her and imagining that she's driving it and smiling at me. everytime i come across anything related to penang, it would remind me of her and every eurasian woman seems to look like her. i really don't know how would i feel if i come face to face with her. i wish she knows how i am missing her so badly that it makes me feel so empty inside. if only i had been a little patient.

driver text message me last night and asked if i could wait till next month for him to return my money back. it seems that he is faced with another domestic problem and it is quite serious. he has been ordered to move out of the house by his family and the police came to his house last night to enforce the order. i kind of expected that he could not repay my money back but i never expected this to happen. i feel sad for him but at the same time i feel so annoyed by him. it's not because of his inability to settle his debts but it is more because of his attitude towards life and his approach to bring solutions to all his problems.

he can be so stupid sometimes till the extent that people lost respect towards him. time and again i have repeatedly told him to move out of the house since his family is treating him like a beggar. he took his time and always procrastinate. i do try to put myself in his shoes sometimes and i can only imagine how i would fight back and talk back if my family were to treat me like that. i would plan myself a strategy to get out of the house and will not wait till i am chased out. driver can be so inefficient most of the times and always wait for things to happen rather than make things happen for himself.

his mind is narrow and shallow that i get so pissed with him always. he only thinks that the only way to get out of the house is to get married but he found himself a useless good for nothing girlfriend who has become his fiance. imagine this diary, when you are going to get married, you are about to share everything that you own and owe, good or bad, sadness or happiness and trouble or ease. i was the one whom he had to turn to for money to go to work when he just got this job and i was the one who he asked for help when he was chased out of the house. i never asked him about his fiance because i knew how would i have reacted if he told me about her. i just did not want to add another misery to his already so troubled life.

in times of needs like this, who do you expect a person to call if he is already engaged? naturally it would be the fiance but not in his case and do you want to know why? his fiance only cares about his wealth and does not wish to get involve with his problems. she only will be with him when his pocket is loaded with money and will distant herself from him when he is in need of help often giving excuses just to escape from giving him aid be it financially or morally. i hate that bitch diary and if only i could have a chat with her over coffee and tell her what i think of her, wouldn't it be nice?

this is what i don't understand about driver, he is so desperate that he would marry any girl just to get away from his family even if the girl treats him no better than how his own family treats him. i have tried all i can to give him suggestions and alternatives for solutions but he still stick with his old fashion and impractical and unrealistic plan. driver got the message that i despise his fiance very much and never talk about her to me anymore unless i ask. you know diary, sometimes i wonder if i had gone overboard with him. i am so harsh with him and i always have straightforward talk with him. i think i have hurt his ego so many times that he has grown immune to it. i just feel i had to do it to make him wake up and realised there are so many options he can opt for and not to be too dependent on something which is uncertain and a waste of time.

i knew he would call me to seek help soon after he text me his predicaments and i knew somehow i had to help him. as much as i want him to be independent, still i knew it is not the right time to expect that since he's not even mentally stable right then. as expected he called and i called hippo immediately. it is just his luck that hippo has been divorced and her house is vacant now as she is putting up at her parent's. i negotiated with hippo to rent her house to driver at a reasonable price and gave driver her number for him to arrange where to meet to finalise the deal. hippo asked if she can trust driver and if it is possible to expect prompt payment for rent from him. i couldn't tell hippo about the duration he is taking to clear my debts because i knew he desperately needs a place to stay by that night itself.

i told hippo to meet driver and see for herself and then make her decision. i thought it is only fair for me to say that. i text message driver back and told him that i expect him to pay my money back next month and i also expect him to be prompt in paying the rent and not to dissapoint me and humiliate me with hippo. hippo has been a long time friend of mine and i do not wish to see our friendship suffers because of him. he didn't reply me back but i figured he knew i meant what i said. i am not trying to be mean or adding more pressure to him but i just guess i had to do what i had to do.

i can't be too lenient and soft on him because he has played me out before and i know he is capable to do it again. desperate measures call for desperate times and it could be that he is agreeing and saying yes to anything and everything now because he is desperate for a place to live and desperate for money when he borrowed from me. it is only natural for desperate people in need of help to agree with all the terms and conditions placed upon him in order to get what he needs. i hope he appreciates my help and will not dissapoint me because if he does, i will probably go to his workplace and humiliate him. *grins* never take my kindness for granted and never underestimate my wicked side, that's what i told him and i meant every word i said.

as much as we want to be kind and nice, we cannot allow ourselves to be taken for granted. there are always boundaries and some lines which people cannot cross. if they were to cross them, it is at their own risk because that's what life is all about. we take risk everyday unknowingly and if we have made some costly mistake, we better be ready to face the music. this time is probably the last time that i would lend anyone money again. i am tired of it diary and i don't like to feel miserable for not getting my money back or having to face the misery of late repayments.

waiting is painful and i don't want to feel the pain anymore. i am just a human as ordinary as i can be lending help to those who needs it but i just figured that giving help in terms of money can be very risky and i have decided to stop it. i have turn to volunteering work as an alternative and it gives more pleasures and satisfactions. it opens up my soul, my heart and my mind. i began to see things with my heart together with my eyes now instead of just my eyes. if anybody thinks that i am mean or bad, stingy or miserly then all i can say is i am no angel or a prophet.

i hope driver will have his life straightened out someday somehow and i hope he will successfully figure out if it is really worth to marry someone like his fiance. it is sad to know that his family can afford to do such heartless act against him but it also helps me to realised what a good and blessed family i have. we may not be the richest family on earth but the warmth in our family surely gives me more than enough feelings to be fortunate and blissful. it makes me contented and grateful and most of all it makes me love them even more than i ever could. i thank god, my parents and my brothers for making my family a happy family in its own special way.

my amateur review of sepet

dear diary, it has been two weeks since i last visited my late brother. my schedule is so tight now that i hardly have time to myself. i am always busy attending my driving lessons on saturday morning, attending my quran class on saturday afternoon and probably go to JB after that with my family and be home as late as 1-2 in the morning. it is becoming my fixed routine and i feel exhausted sometimes. sunday is the only day that i can have to myself but that is only before June because i will be having my driving lessons on sundays in june and july as the test date is drawing nearer then.

i am not sure if i will have enough rest and sleep but i do not mind because i know this year is going to be tough for me. apart from stripping my shopping budget for the whole year, i know it is the year where my mental and physical energy is required most. i am getting used to it and believe me it can be quite fun actually. i feel so energetic and like i am walking on a treadmill. you just have to keep on walking to stay on the treadmill and be consistent with the speed. there is no idle time and i feel that not much of my time has been wasted. it is quite amazing.

i bought some videos in JB last saturday. one of them is `Sepet' and i can say that it is a good film with good dialogues even with simple story line. i have read about the reviews before and taj mahal have given me some of her opinions on it and i know i have to watch it. i like it very much because it touches on the reality and it brings the audience to internalise with the story, it captures the audience's attention to think with the writer. take for example, orkid's best friend is so crazy over american actors and anything hollywood is so great to her. this is true in reality, have we noticed how our society easily accepted foreign talents and think highly of them but do not think like that towards our own local actors. it is like everything and anything that comes from the west is so perfect and vice versa.

we try to copy their ways and styles and ended up being so unoriginal. i have come across people who speak english like the african americans in chatrooms and i had so much difficulty understanding what the hell they were trying to say. it's about the spelling because they literally spell the words according to the african american slang and i just don't get it. i was just thinking to myself, why do we have to speak english like how they do when we have little or zero verbal influence from them. is speaking good and easy to understand english not enough that we also have to keep up with the accent and slang as well? perhaps some people have the perception that since most of us dress like them, we also have to sound like them when we speak in their language without passing that subject in schools ironically. another thing that caught my attention was when they were talking about the race they think that is most laziest. it makes me think why are the malays is always associated with lazy. personally i do not agree if there is any race on earth that is created to be lazy. it is a very subjective issue and in my opinion, lazy is one characteristic in an individual which if not controlled can be very disruptive to one's success rates.

lazy is one of human's characteristic that can be found in every individual regardless of race, background and religion and i guess it is up to the family conditioning and that person himself to stop that characteristic in him from growing and becomes a part of his flesh and blood. in that film, Jason asked orkid what happened to the malay film industry, it is no longer producing flms like the ones during P.Ramlee's days. i just thought to myself don't we have good malay films nowadays? we do have capable malay film directors and producers that have made good and impressive malay films don't we? to name a few, people like Shuhaimi baba, Aziz M. Osman, Uwei Shari, Erma Fatima, Datuk Yusof Haslam and many more. these are the people who have kept the industry going with their own specialties.

we have to have diversities and it is natural that one man's meat maybe another man's poison. we cannot expect that every films made will be a success so i just hope that people will stop saying repeatedly that the malay films nowadays are of no quality because it's absolutely wrong to say that. we have come a long way and credits should be given to film makers for trying instead of endlessly and mercilessly criticising them. what is even appalling is to support pirated copies of these films. it is sad and unfair to them and to those who support pirated products, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. ultimately, i am impressed with the film although it has a sad and mysterious ending. i never like stories which have a hanging ending. orkid never knew that jason met with an accident and i couldn't tell if he had died from the accident because orkid's phone call to jason was answered and i strongly believe that the writer wants the audience to conclude their ending according to their own imaginations and preferences. it was overall a good film, one that interacts with the audience's minds. watching the film made me wonder if mum and dad were like that when they just met.

little sister just text message me and apologised for being quiet again. i don't really mind actually because i never expect her to send me news of her daily what's more when we are communicating by mobile phones. it's costly come to think of it. she has been hospitalised and i don't really know what is her condition now. i hope she is fine and well and the hospital stay is only for routine check up and nothing serious. she's so sweet asking for my address to send me birthday gifts. she said she will send me her photos and i am really looking forward to see the pictures than the present. i truly appreciate little sister's friendship diary, i feel happy and glad that i have known her but at the same time, i am also afraid of losing her.

i don't mind if we have lost in touch but i am afraid if she would be gone like my brother. there's nothing left for me if she's gone. life would be quiet and i know i will feel a little incomplete because i know all these while even if she is missing, she will come back to me and i will have her all to myself again as my little sister to share my life stories and to update her on the happenings in my life. however, if she is really gone and never coming back, my life stories that i have reserved for her will be permanently stored in myself and it is sad not to be able to share with her. she has always been that one person after my brother's death that makes me feel strong because she listens to me.

she makes me feel brave and confident because i have to act like a big sister towards her and ultimately, it makes me bolder. i don't feel timid anymore and i do feel important to her. i have had my brothers to look after me and to protect me from harm and when one of them is gone, i feel so handicapped and afraid sometimes. little sister helps me to overcome that fear and i am thankful for that. i love her diary and i hope i am given the opportunity to grow old with her together.

i have to remind dad to pay my late brother a visit this sunday. it's been awhile now and it's about time to visit him. i keep thinking about him everyday and how things were when he was still alive. they made me gloom and angry. i was always thinking about the things i could do for him which i didn't when he was sick. there was a time when he asked if i could accompany him to the 7-11 nearby. it was late at night and i knew he asked me because he knew he couldn't make it there alone.

he was getting weaker diary and i could have followed him but i didn't. how i regret so much for not accompanying him. i feel so much hate for myself. i wish he knew how sorry i am diary. if only i could know how he was feeling when he was leaving us, if only i could know if he has forgiven me for all the shouts and snide remarks i passed at him. if only i could hear his voice one last time and if only he could have given me a sign that lets me know he will be fine. i talk to him in my thoughts. it's like a silent conversation i will create between him and i. i enjoy it and i smile to myself thinking of all the good times we had. one week after his death, i collected some of his personal belongings and put them in a box.

i photocopied the newspaper orbituary section where his picture and our warmest wishes displayed. i kepth them in the box. it has a few pictures of him too. they were taken in KL when he was there to meet his girlfriend. it was a coincidence that his girlfriend passed away a few years before his death. she had asthma and i remember how he cried when he received the news. i felt sad for him and knew how much he loved her because he never cried for a woman like that before. i knew he had plan to marry her and i knew he would be in KL by now if both of them had been married. my brother was the most happiest person when he was with her. he was madly in love with her and i can see she was serious with him too. she died and he moved on untill he passed on and they probably will meet in heaven.

i am not sure but i knew she was that one girl my brother loved so much until his death. i don't know what's going on in the other world, the only way for me to find out is to end myself or wait for my turn to get there. that is one place i know i will get to no matter how long or how difficult it takes. i am not ready diary, but i know i still have to leave when my time is up. it's sad to leave the loved ones behind and it's even more scared to leave without preparations. i'm doing my best now diary and i hope i am successful. i heard it's not going to be easy for people like me to be there. it's hell and nothing is good about hell. like i said earlier in my thoughts to you, we do things at our own risk and if it's time to face the music, just shut up and face it. there's no escape this time and no superhero to save you. you are all on your own and it's all between you and Him and only then you will know how mighty He is and that you are nothing at all compared to Him.

tuesday night is not tuesday night anymore

dear diary, i have nothing to look forward to on tuesday night anymore. TCS5 has stopped showing The Practice and The Alias has taken over it. i don't quite like the Alias because i do not watch it from the beginning furthermore, it does not interest me that much. i am not in love with any of the characters so i find it boring even though the genre is action. monday night seems usual with nothing much changing, i am not an avid fan of The Casino but i think i might be one soon. last week one character from that drama caught my attention. i have watched The Casiono every monday but i have never really get attracted with any of the characters however, last monday changed everything. she's black and british and she speaks with an accent. she's so gorgeous and sexy when she tried to do her job to break up an argument on the casino floor between an american gentleman and some bristish rowdy chelsea soccer fans.

it was really sexy and captivating to watch a woman handles tough situations like that. she was in her executive suit, high heels and hair done nicely, her long legs and her dark skin look all so perfect to me. not only she speaks with an accent but she speaks with wit and humour but at the same time firm. i fell in love with her character immediately and i guess credit should be given to the real her for bringing the character to life. i want a woman like that diary...a woman like that makes me nervous and drools. goshhh, she is so sexy!!

someone from the housing development board came yesterday to take pictures of our house to value it. dad and mum are selling it to us and the proper procedure is to get the valuation of the house first. we have gone to HDB and make enquiries about it. my brother and i are not elligible to take up loans from HDB as both of us are still single and below 35 years old. the banks are our only options and i am just concern of the repayment period and amount.

from what i understand HDB loans are provided up to only 80 percent of the selling price and i am wondering if it is the same with banks. if only 80 percent of loan is provided, that means we have to come up with 20 percent of the total sale price first either by cash or CPF. dad bought the house for 320,000 dollars and i hope he sells to us at below valuation price. i am doing some mental calculation here, if he sells to us at 260,000 dollars, 20 percent of that price is 52000 dollars. i think my CPF and my brother's CPF have enough to pay the 20 percent upfront. now, banks give repayment period up to 30 years and 260,000 minus the 20 percent upfront payment will give 208,000 dollars. ok diary, i am calculating the maths without interest so the figures here might not tally with the actual one.

208,000 divided by 30 years gives us, 6933 dollars and 6933 dollars divided by 12 months in a year is 577 dollars per month. from my estimation, if we add that amount with interest, it would be about 600 dollars per month. so that means, from my rough calculation and estimation, we are paying 600 dollars for mortgage loan monthly for 30 years. split that into two and each of us will be paying 300 dollars per month. if we split that into 3, it will be 200 dollars per month. that's not so bad if i work but when i am not working anymore, it can be quite of a headache. even if we have to top up cash, at least it would still be better off than the current situation because i know dad pays about 1000 cash for the house right now for mortgage. nevertheless, we would be in a better position after the sale transactions have been complete.

i hope things will be better for us and all of us will manage somehow. i know that every problem has its solutions and it is either that we are a part of the problem or we are a part of the solution. we have tried to make it right and come to a sound and most practical solution, so i hope the bright sides are on our side and that none of us have to make big sacrifices to solve this issue. i have thought of ways to overcome this concern and i have made many enquiries and research to come to a conclusion and i have lay out my plans and suggestions to my family members. i have pushed for my brother to get the process done fast and not to dilly dally with it. i have never stopped praying and i have never stopped believing that He hears my prayers and i hope he will not dissapoint me.

i know i can depend on my family and each one of us have our own specialty to overcome our flaws. we may have had our disagreements but i know when we are faced with problems that concern the whole family, we will survive and make it through no matter how difficult it is, no matter how long it takes, we will pull through just like how we did after having lost one member of our family. i am so sure that if my late brother would have been alive, he would try his level best to contribute his efforts, money and energy to help solve the problem. he's gone now but his spirits still live on with us and we are carrying them in the background. he may be physically departed but i know his courage and determination are in our souls.

diary, my younger cousin is getting engage next weekend and i know this will create talks among my aunties about my status. i know they have been talking and wondering but i have been quiet without saying a word. i pity mum and dad sometimes but i know that i don't have to get married to make them happy. i can expand the family without getting married can i? i can give them grandchildren without getting pregnant can i? it's all about waiting and i hope they are able to wait. it is either my brother or myself now and it looks like none of us are going to get married. my brother is so busy with his work and studies while i am just busy with my own thoughts. i have plans of my own and it will make my parents happy, it's just a matter of time. i will make them the happiest parents ever with love, affections and attentions that money can never buy, this i promise them.

when you think you cannot be silly....

Last night was funny as I was not able to log in to the computerised theory trial test at my driving school. It was anti-climax as I was all ready to practise the questions before my test date is due. Students are able to book dates for theory trial test through the internet at home, however I guessed I did not complete the booking at home and since the booking was incomplete my name was not registered through their system for the theory trial test last night. I consulted the instructor and he told me to register in the school via the computer kiosk. It was my first time using the kiosk and I made a blunder by inserting my IC into the receipt slot. I was supposed to scan the barcode on my IC to the scanner but I didn?t know where and how to do it, so thinking the receipt slot was for me to insert my IC, I inserted my IC there and voilla, it got stucked and couldn?t come out. After encountering many mishaps and blunders, I do not get panick easily anymore. So I ask for assistance from the customer service officer and she referred me to the technical staff outside. I couldn?t find any so I went back to the kiosk again, and this time, determined to get my IC out of the slot, I made use of my two thumbs and forced the IC out of the slot. silly me!! It came out and I re-registered again for the other dates and this time, I did it correctly. I was lucky because most of the students were in their driving class already at that time, so there was no queue; otherwise I am sure I was going to be stared at with hatred for holding up the queue and causing one system down. I just couldn?t imagine that.

I bought a very useful and convenient carrier bag for for Hang Tuah. It cost me 79 bucks and I might have to go without lunch everyday day till next month. I have been looking for something like that for a long time but the one I found was expensive and also not foldable. The one I bought is foldable and it?s bright red in colour. I can carry it like a backpack at the front or at the back, and also I can carry it like a briefcase. It has windows on both sides so that hang Tuah will be able to see outside and it has a small opening at the front for him to stick out his head to have a clearer view outside. I tried to put him inside the bag and he seemed to be quiet. I hope he will remain quiet in the bag when we brought him out cos with the old carrier, he couldn?t shut up. I will try to bring him to the nearby shop and see how he behaves in the new carrier bag.

I got a sms from Russia last night on my way to driving school. It was a surprise because I didn?t expect it to be from her. The idea seems so distant. She wished me a belated happy new year and asked how is my family doing and what have I been up to lately. I replied her and she told me she misses me. The thing with Russia is that, she has the qualities that I look for in a gf but it?s what she is that bothers me a little. She is neither a lessie nor a butch but most of the times she dresses more like a butch only that she is not extreme. And you know how I cannot bring myself to pair up with a butch or butch look-alike. It?s madness to do so cos I will only invite unwanted attentions from the public and it?s hell if I were to bump into my relatives while walking side by side with a butch. I do not wish to invite unnecessary problems to my already existing ones. Russia is someone I would talk to about heavy issues and someone I would converse with intellectually. I have always enjoyed any conversations I have with her. I can speak to her about anything although at times there are disagreements. Probably because of her background and her age. I really don?t know what?s going to happen to us but I am sure we will remain as friends because I have not imagined myself pairing up with her as a couple although I do miss her sometimes.

I sent aramis a test message asking how was she doing when the tsunami hit asia. She is in penang and I just had to find out her condition. She was safe from the disaster and I was so thankful about that because I knew she likes to go to Batu Ferringi. It was a very straightforward talk, there was not a single bit of the old habits anymore. I guessed, both of us knew it is so over between us. I am scared to get involved with her anymore and she is probably ashame of herself and somehow got the impression that I hate her. Frankly, I still have a soft spot for her but at the same time I am keeping my distance from her. It hurts to love somebody like this.

weird dream, the toe nail, hang tuah and my definition of sexy

dear diary, i had the weirdest dream ever last night. it was scary but quite comical. the characters in the dream were hippo, myself, a loanshark and his gangsters, mum, dad and a child who happened to be mine. hippo borrowed some money from a loanshark and i was her guarantor. she couldn't pay the loanshark and now the loanshark had sent some gangsters to intimidate us. hippo persuaded me to run away from singapore to avoid the loanshark. she wanted us to escape to thailand and never to come back to singapore. i refused because it would create a lot of problems and i don't want to be an illegal immigrant in a country and i don't want to live in fear.

i adamantly refused while she continued to convince me to run away. after awhile, i got news that my mum was killed by the gangsters and a child, a baby in fact was also killed and that child happened to be mine. the gangster burnt the child to death like how we barbecued chickens. they tied the child to skewers and placed her near to the fire and let her burn. in that dream, i remember vividly how the child died. it was so brutal and wicked, most of all it was sad that they could do such a thing to a child. hippo continued to persuade me to escape to thailand. after hearing the news of the deaths, i finally agreed with her that it was necessary for us to escape to thailand because it was getting serious and violent. the dream was so real and it seemed like it was happening in reality.

hippo and i hurriedly packed our bags and i saw my dad looking at us. i heard some knocking on the door and it was dad waking me up. i woke up and was drenched in sweat. this hardly happened but when i woke up and realised that everything was a dream, i let go a sigh of relief and how thankful i was to know it was just a dream. it's crazy, scary and i think the most frightening dream i have ever had. i remember i was so scared in that dream especially the time when i received news of the death. it's just something that i never thought i would dream of. after waking up, i realised that almost all my pillows dropped to the floor. i must have had a very rough night...

diary, i am looking at my toe right now and i am smiling to myself. it is without half a nail and it looks ugly and unusual. the doctor said it will grow again but it will take a long time for it to grow. so can i consider myself abnormal now? everybody has full grown big toe nail but i only have half grown toe nail. the other half is missing and my flesh is exposed and it is very pink. i touched the flesh and i am fascinated with it. there's nothing extraordinary with it but it's just something which i don't get to see often. i mean, the flesh is supposed to be covered by the toe nail but since half the nail is gone, i am actually able to touch this part of my flesh which is usually impossible for me to do. do you get what i mean?

i am actually able to feel it! *grins* it's so soft like baby's skin. *chuckles* excuse me diary but i am just so excited being able to see, touch and feel something which i don't get to see, feel and touch everyday. it is like, a big fat man who has to depend on the mirror to see his own little brother because his belly has grown too big and has block his view. he lost weight and his big belly is gone and now, after so many years he is able to see his own little brother without depending on the mirror. that is the other senario.

diary, do you remember sveaty, the bear russia gave me for a birthday gift last year? hang tuah has made him his sparring partner. he was afraid of sveaty in the first place. after awhile, they got better acquainted and have become boxing buddies. i would use sveaty to punch hang tuah and hang tuah would retaliate by biting and scratching him. i think hang tuah knows that sveaty is lifeless and only moves when i made him moves so he is not afraid of sveaty anymore. he uses all his fighting skills to attack sveaty whenever he likes and i can tell if sveaty is really alive, hang tuah would have been scratched to death looking at the way hang tuah handles him. hang tuah is a coward because he only is brave with the vulnerable.

there are 2 stray cats outside the house and one of them is known to be a bit fierce. he is very small compered to hang tuah but his fighting spirit is so big that it scares hang tuah away. everytime we open the gate hang tuah always runs out of the house to the corridor and the cat will come near him sniffing. hang tuah would do the same too. now, ragdolls cats are known to be very adorable cats, they do not know how to fight and they are not violent. they are friendly cats and they love humans and other cat's companions. after sniffing each other, the cat slapped hang tuah's face and hang tuah would just sit still with his head looking down as if he couldn't understand why was he slapped when all he ever wanted was to be a friend. it has happened many times until we became worried for him and disallow him to hang around at the corridor anymore. he just doesn't know how to fight back and to defend himself.

a natural reaction is for a cat to slap back the cat which has slapped him but i think that natural stereotype reaction does not apply to ragdolls. so this enforces my opinion that ragdolls are only playful and naughty with someone or something which he has got comfortable with. hang tuah plays rough with my brother and i. if he wrestles with our hands, he would occasionally bites and scratches our hands. if he wrestles with sveaty, he would do the same thing to sveaty but he just gets timid with unfamiliar things or other cats. therefore, this makes us aware that hang tuah may not know how to survive if he is lost. he only eats premium cat's food and nothing else.

he doesn't know how to defend or to protect himself. he is like the pure house cats which doesn't know how to survive on his own. in comparison with human, he is the equivalent of the rich men's sons or daughters who are so used to having people do their house chores that they don't know how to do them on their own. it is a lucky thing that we have planted a chip that carries our details and home address at the back of his neck. if he gets lost, he can easily be detected from the chip and we can locate him and get him rescued. i cannot imagine how would all of us feel if he is lost. it would be very worrying and i am sure we will all not be able to sleep peacefully at night until he is found.

dad probably will be the most worried one. he has grown attached to hang tuah and feeds him every morning before he leaves for work. he pampers hang tuah and i can see that hang tuah is getting spoilt. we have repeatedly told dad not to mix his dry and wet food in the morning because wet food is only to be mix with his dry food in the evening. we encourage hang tuah to eat only dry food in the day time. since dad started to take over the feeding job every morning he has broken the rule and thus hang tuah refuses to eat his dry food in the day time and will not eat it at all until evening when we mix his wet food together. we don't have the heart to watch him starve himself anymore so we just leave it to dad to feed hang tuah however he likes. nevertheless, we made sure that dad doesn't feed him with wet food on its own because the most proteins come from the dry food.

i am so sleepy now diary. wouldn't it be great if i could just go to my room and lie in bed with aramis or chicken pie or taj mahal...i get no excitement nowadays even when i am thinking about them. don't get me wrong, i still love girls but i get bored easily. i don't know who i really want anymore. being single seems to make me happier than being attached. it's great to be single you know. you got all the time, money, energy and goodies all to yourself. you don't have to share and it is easier to make decision. if you are attached, you have to think of her and making decision takes longer because you have to consult her first and if a decision has been reached unanimously it is great but if it isn't, arguments and misunderstanding might occur and they give nothing but misery.

i think i am changing a lot but it's hard to say probably because i have not met a girl that i think is worth the attention. aramis has no doubt stayed put in my heart but i've grown tired of her game. i will probably still end up alone cos i am beginning not to believe that gay relationship is worth it. i prefer platonic relationships than sexual nowadays so that i can still go out there and explore what the girls have to offer me. being tied up with a relationship is like having one of your leg chained to her leg. your movements are restricted and your every move is being watched. i hope i can find a girl who is intellectually stimulating because to me that is sexy. i define sexy like that and she needs not have to reveal her body, it's all about the brains and not the skin. sexy is more than just a pretty face, sexy is having a certain quality that enable people to get attracted to you not on the merits of your looks or body, sexy is about having a magnetic characteristic that people just can't have enough of and sexy is about natural beauty that comes from within. it's really tough being sexy according to my definition isn't it? screw me...*chuckles*