The Journey Up...

Dear Diary,

I set my alarm at half past five today and I was surprised at myself for being able to hear the alarm went off. I usually have a difficult time waking up in the wee hour of the morning but not this time. I supposed it was because of the excitement I was feeling to bring Hippo and her family to my vacation house. It was their first time coming over and I assumed every one of us was thrilled especially her kids and her husband. It was also their first time travelling with their car further than Johor Bahru. Almost everything was going to be their first time, even to Mount Ophir.

They are probably one of the few Singaporeans who have never or hardly travel to Malaysia. It is not surprising because there are quite a lot of Singaporeans who just do not travel to Malaysia. Unlike myself, I grew up in a family who travel frequently to Malaysia. Mum has seventy percent of her relatives in Malaysia. My grandparents were Malaysians and so do my aunts, uncles and cousins. Even though dad does not have any relatives in Malaysia at all, we often travel to Malaysia for holidays when I was young therefore, it is not a big deal for me to travel between Singapore and Malaysia.

It is a good thing that my house in Singapore has centralized water heater so I can take my shower without much hassle. I always have a fear with cold chilled water touching my body. Hippo was punctual and she got to my house as scheduled. The ride to Tangkak was smooth and hassle free. We took the highway and had breakfast at one of the Rest & Relax stop point. I had some western breakfast courtesy of Hippo. Throughout the journey, she always insisted to pay even after I declined. I supposed she was feeling indebted to me for letting her family spends two nights in my house. Well Diary, even if I had let them spend the whole week, I would not want them to feel indebted or whatsoever but I guess it is just natural for everybody to do feel that. All of us are brought up with manners and we have cultures and customs that we still practice even though we are living in the millennium years.

The kids are very well behaved and courteous. I did not find them irritating or annoying at all. They are living proof that Hippo really disciplines them. I tried to make them feel comfortable as much as I could. There was not much activity on the day we arrived since all of us woke up in the wee hours of the morning to avoid paying extra to travel after seven in the morning. You see Diary, Hippo drives an off peak car (OP) with the red plate. OP cars are only allowed to be on the road after seven in the evening to seven in the morning. If any OPC cars need to be on the road during the prohibited time, owners have to buy a coupon from the Land Transport Authority for exception on that day. The coupon cost SGD20 per one time use if I am not mistaken. That was why we had to be up early in the morning and be at the immigration customs before seven in the morning. It would be a waste to buy the coupon since we will be away from Singapore.

I brought them to my favourite ‘Asam Pedas’ stall for lunch and we went shopping for our picnic by the waterfall at mount Ophir (Gunung Ledang). It was fun and a happy outing. The kids love it from the climbing and swimming. Hippo had a difficult time climbing up the mountain. I saw her sweat it out like she has never before. Drops of sweats streaming down from her forehead, she was panting as she tried with all her might climbing every step there was. I looked at her and I thought oh my God, I do not ever want to be overweight like that. I did nothing but just laughed at her. Honestly, I could not do much. A dozen words of encouragements would not help if a person’s mental strength is still weak. As usual, she just laughed it off too. That is the best thing about Hippo. She really understood me and could not care less about how I am with her. I think our eighteen years of friendship has made us grow accustomed to each other’s ways and teases. She made it to the destination even though she was the slowest.

Looking at her speed, I was actually having fear to bring her hiking Mount Ophir this March. I just do not know if the guide has such patience to wait on her. With the new one-day hike up and down rule, I have lots of doubts Hippo will make it. it is not that I am underestimating her, but reading between the lines, as a seasoned climber, I know what I saw. Even if she makes it, she will probably take twice as much time as ever than other regular climber and that means, climbing down the mountain in the dark.

I set out at eight in the morning the last time I climbed. I reached the summit at half past one in the afternoon. I started to climb down at half past two in the afternoon and got to the foot at half past five in the evening. So you do your Maths Diary, how many hours did I take to climb up? It was five and half hours to the summit and two and three hours to climb down. We could have reached the foot of the mountain earlier but the group of students slowed us down. If Hippo were to climb it, she would probably take much more than five and half hours and that can really be a test of patience for her hiking buddy at that time who I am sure is going to be her husband.

Simple But Fun Outing...

Dear Diary,

I have another headache attack today and it is really killing me. I tried to take some aspirins or panadols but I couldn’t find any at home. My head feels so heavy like as though it would dropped to the floor rolling if I were to look down. Whenever I turn my head to look around, there is a sudden feel of giddiness. I think I need to go to bed early tonight. That is the most suitable remedy for it I supposed.

How are you Diary? It has been quite sometimes since I asked about your well-being. It is not that I had forgotten but it just slipped my mind when I wrote to you in my last entries. I have to get up early tomorrow as I am leaving for Tangkak at six in the morning. Hippo will fetch me from home and we will head straight to Malaysia. I did not plan to go to Tangkak but I need a cheap get away. Hippo came along to make it happen. She will be with her whole family and I will be bringing them to my holiday house in Tangkak. I need to go there anyway to make sure the house is tidy and clean because mum is bringing her colleagues over this weekend.

I plan to bring them to Malacca on Tuesday and to try a short hike up at Mount Ophir in Tangkak itself. Now, Diary if you still do not know what is Mount Ophir it is actually Gunung Ledang. Many Singaporeans remember it as Mount Ophir in English. I have climbed it for four times but I would really love to make it a yearly thing for myself. Firstly, it is in my ‘kampung’ and it is the first mountain I climbed unofficially. I always took two days to climb it. However, the National Park has set some rules, guidelines and regulations for climbers to follow that is to climb the mountain. No climbers can set tents on the mountain anymore since the accidents. Whatever your plan is, you must complete your climb in a day. It sure is not an easy mountain to climb in a day. Previously, all climbers climbed it in two days but since the new ruling, I do not think it suits a first timer because it is not easy.

Hippo and her husband were supposed to join me for the ‘Bekelah’ waterfall trip last May but they couldn’t make it. I just thought it would be good to bring them to Mount Ophir, not to climb but just to be there at the foot so that they can enjoy the waterfall. Not forgetting their children can enjoy it too. I won’t be driving as I left my car in Subang Jaya so I will be the back seat driver together with their kids.

You know Diary, all my friends have been asking me for a barbeque session. I really don’t know when to make it happen. With all the things I need to straighten out and all the priorities set right, I must find a suitable time to have it especially to have it in Tangkak. I need to make sure all of them are able to turn out on the day and not only just that, they are able to drive there too and will not mind having to spend the night there. Once I have set the date, I also have to plan how are the food going to be prepared and who will assist me in the preparations. Of course, all preparations have to be done there and that includes the purchase of food and almost everything. Gummy Bear and Rolly Polly will probably be helping me in organizing this event. Oh Diary, I am talking like as though it is a major event that involves the whole nation! Hahaha

Well I got to go Diary, I miss you Diary as much as I miss her. I wish she knows.

Just To Be Originally Me...

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wish I can read what is on people’s mind but I was not born with a sixth sense so I have to depend on my instincts. I wrote Peppermint an email with the contents that is so typical of me. I did not think that I had said anything inappropriate. I was teasing, joking and sounding cheeky in the email. I guess that is just me you know. I can do all those without even have the intention to do them literally. I am always saying cheeky stuffs but never meant anything about it, always sweet-talking without being serious about it. She knew that, in fact she mentioned it in one of her emails to me. It is just long-winded to explain. I think I will just let it rest.

It is funny that people ask when you do not be yourself, and it is even funnier that people ask when you are being yourself. Sometimes I do not know how to behave towards people. They are so hard to please but so easy to be tick. I guess people look at me in that way too as I am no different from them, a human being. I say wrong things at wrong times without having the slightest intention to sound rude, inappropriate or probably corny. Everybody tease each other, do we all not? However, I supposed we must still bear in mind to respect one another in the course of having conversations, jokes, work or play.

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I am sure I did not say anything rude or offensive but it is just how she wants to accept it. I do not even have her number let alone having met her. We are only having a virtual friendship. There is no physical contact at all. I am not sure what she was thinking but I think I am just going to lay low for a while. If you do not know what to say, you do not speak, if you do not know what to write, you simply do not write. It is as easy as A, B, C. It does not take a genius to figure that one.

I went to bed at three in the morning last night. I spent time talking to Rolly Polly online. She was not feeling good and something just got into her. I do not know what was with her last night but I got a feeling that she was feeling lonely. We talked about stuffs and I had to give in to her. I did not want to create another debate session when I was already trying hard to stay awake for her sake. Sometimes I wish I could do miracles so I can make everybody I have known eternally happy. I truly appreciate what I have with her but I do not want to feel pressurized by it too. I just want to live like how it should be. I do not want to live under the pretext of something else. It is just so hard to explain. I wish I could have let it all out easily without considering other. I do not want any misunderstandings or accusations to occur at a later stage. My heart is reserved. I am reserved. I do not know when will these reservation end.

If I could just heal her heart with one embrace, I would do that. If it were so easy to mend a broken heart like what it says in all sad love songs, I would be the first in queue. Did I put myself into this? Do you know Diary? Gosh, there is so much to say about this. When the heart matters, it is always difficult. All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own. I used to be bold. I fix my broken heart in a day or two. I never had trouble moving on and forward until I started to live alone.

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Living alone makes me a sensitive person and empathetic to my surroundings. I do self-reflections often and that gives me room and space to feel. Yes Diary, I feel a lot nowadays. Little things catch my attention more than the big things. I want to be happy but I also want the people I love to be happy and if I could help in any sense, I would not mind. Nevertheless, I still want to be true to myself. I must have control of the authorship of my own destiny. The pen that writes my life story must be held in my own hand because I know the life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another.

Falling In Love Back Again With Home Sweet Home...

Dear Diary,

How has it been going on your side? I have been good and busy figuring out what I am going to do for a living. Let us laugh at that shall we? Well, you know I have been surveying and doing lots of research about the methods and ways to make money online. I have found many and presently I am working on one, which has proven to work. I am also doing the other one but I have yet to achieve anything out of it because I have not fully launch it yet. I still have to do a couple of things before I am able to enjoy the result which I am sure is going to be fruitful.

I woke up this morning feeling cold. Apparently, it was raining and I left my window opened last night. I always do that because I do not want to have the air condition on while I am sleeping. I cannot stand the cold. I would rather sleep and wake up sweating than having the air condition or the fan switch on. Talking about this I remember how Flying Babe likes to wake up sweating from sleep. It sounds somewhat funny but I think that is sexy. She does not mind sweating during her sleep and that is something not every woman like. I miss her Diary. I really do.

After my shower, I went to the neighbourhood community centre to get my Singpass to allow me to check how much money I have spent for the purchased of my house in Singapore. My brother and I have decided to sell the house so we are actually making calculations ourselves before engaging the service of the property agent. Once we have sold this house, I will not be having property in Singapore anymore. I supposed I just have to make it in Malaysia come what may. You know Diary, sometimes I wonder if I had make a good decision in moving to Malaysia. I had an almost perfect life back then, good paying salary job and a kind boss. I do not know Diary. I do not want to think about it but I cannot help it. Whenever I come back to Singapore and see the changes, I began to miss it even more and to have reservations about my move to Malaysia. Was it worthwhile? I cannot turn back Diary. I have to make it wherever I am. It does not matter anymore.

Spending more time in Singapore makes me realized about the things I have miss since I have been away. When I brought Rolly Polly around, I acted like a tour guide to her but deep in my heart I was in point of fact fascinated, amazed and impressed by how much Singapore has changed. I did not recognize Orchard Road anymore. Can you believe that Diary?

So many shopping centres have sprung up like wild mushrooms. With its magnificent skyline, efficient and accessible public transport service, systematic ways of almost the whole lot, I wonder to myself if I should have gone back to Singapore and spend the rest of my life here. I am just toying with the idea but it is just something that I will consider if things are not working out in Malaysia. I am proud of Singapore when I showed Rolly Polly around. She and I have been having deep conversations and sometimes opinions about the differences of the two countries. It is just something that everybody would do when he lives elsewhere. It does not just happen to me, it happens to anyone living out of his country. He will start doing silent comparisons and evaluation. Then, he begins to appreciate what was once he thought were the flaws of his home country. It is just natural.

All I am saying, a person who has lived in a country long enough has the rights to be judgmental of that country because he has first hand experience. He does not read about it or know about how it is like to be living there from some documentary or travel magazines. Instead, he went the extra miles to live there and see for himself. That is the difference between education and experience. Education is the process where you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you do not. If experience were not so important, we would never have had anyone walk on the moon. If you want to understand democracy, spend less time in the library with Plato, and more time in the buses with people. I supposed that is what Najib was thinking too when he decided to take the train with the public.

Rolly Polly Went To Singapore : Part 1

Dear Diary,

Rolly Polly followed me back to Singapore on Friday. She spent a total of three days and four nights at my home. It was a narrow escape. We almost did not make it to Singapore but she came up with the idea of driving in and that actually saved us. I did not think that it was necessary to get the tickets earlier because in my two years as a regular customer to the coach operator, I never had problems getting the tickets even at the last minute. I thought it would be easier this time but I was wrong. We planned to go to Singapore last Friday. I have failed to remember that Friday was a public holiday and it was during the school holiday.

I went to Holiday Villa on Thursday morning only to be greatly disappointed. I was dumbstruck actually. There was not a single tickets left on Friday, Saturday or the day after Saturday. The only choice we had was to opt for the coaches in Puduraya, which would be my last resort. You know how I hate the people, the bus operators and Puduraya itself. That place is no different from a market with so many almost uncivilized people; it bores me at the thought that I have to take the bus to Singapore from there. I still remember when I had just moved to Kuala Lumpur and how I bought ticket from one of the bus operator there. The bus was supposed to leave at noon but instead it left two hours later all because they wanted so much to fill up all empty seats first. They did not at all take the other passengers needs and priorities into consideration. If anyone of us complained, they would just told us off. That is how it is in Puduraya.

You know Diary, I have just realized that it is true what people say that there is silver lining behind every dark clouds. If I had not broken up with Infinity, I will forever be taking the bus from Puduraya back to Singapore. Only when I had broken up with her, I had difficulty going to Puduraya from Subang Jaya on my own. The cab ride is just a last resort. I have grown so fed up with the taxi drivers here refusing to use the meters to charge passengers. I was just lucky to have known about this travel agency that also provides direct coach service to Singapore from Bangsar and vice versa. And just about early last year, they opened another branch providing the same service from Subang Holiday Villa to Singapore and vice versa. So that is how I started to enjoy the service, never had my foot on Puduraya ever since then.

I supposed Rolly polly wanted so much to go to Singapore because when I told her all the tickets were out, characteristically she was always positive and made effort to ask her brother to look for tickets from Kajang while she go look for tickets in Puduraya. I was really hoping all tickets were out too in Puduraya. I did not want to go there anyhow and when we did not manage to get any tickets elsewhere, Rolly Polly decided to drive. So that was how we got to Singapore.

Respect Is Not Automatic...

Dear Diary,

As I am writing this down, Paranoid and her father are in the living hall watching football between Malaysia and Vietnam. As usual Paranoid acting like a retarded five year old kid, kicking against the floor at every excitement she felt. Not only she kicked and stomped her feet against the floor, she also cheered loudly being oblivious to her surrounding. While she displayed annoying child and retard like acts, her father characteristically lay on the matress with only his sarong on.

That is his only piece of clothe he wears in our home everytime he comes to visit Paranoid. I swear I have never seen him with a decent shirt on when he is at home. I actually have begun to believe that he is similar to Orang Utan who doesn’t seem to care about covering his body from the view of people. I have never got the chance to see if he does take his bath because everytime when he is around, all he does is lay on the mattress with his sarong from day to evening, from dawn till dusk. It is really startling how a human his age can afford to do that for the whole day.

Diary, forgive me for what I am about to tell you but I have to let it out. It has been inside my heart since a long time ago. I have never seen him bath and I have never seen him pray. Who am I to say but I cannot help myself from thinking about it. Shouldn’t a man his age be living like as though he is dying? I mean, all of us should be living like we are dying because death does not recognise age, time and date but naturally when you get older, you will tend to become more religious. I expect every man older than I am whom I can call father to be behaving his age, to show exemplary roles to the young ones. Yes Diary, nobody is perfect but we shouldn’t let the skeleton in our closet be seen especially at the expense of his loved ones. What would I think of him now as the father of Paranoid? I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself.

Imagine this Diary, I am a grown up woman and he is old enough to be my father. When he doesn’t dress appropriately in a house I call home, he is one pathetic rude old man. Now, I am not sure if he realises that because both Paranoid and him seem oblivious and carrying that ‘tidak apa’ attitude. I felt offended and repulsive. Do you know what a sarong can do to a man when he lay on a mattress Diary? Imagine him lying down with his knees pointed up. The sarong can just slipped down to his thighs exposing whatever he was supposed to hide. It is as good as wearing just your undergarments when that happens. So do you see now why I have to tell you what I feel? He only sleeps in the living hall, of course he is exposed and the sight of him can be quite an eye sore.

I was welcomed by that sight when I opened my door to collect my dirty laundry in the hall. If my father was like that, I would definitely be ashamed and give my father a friendly talk about it all. But no, I supposed Paranoid is not like that. She would rather let people look down upon her father and she would be more than happy and glad that people would just disrespect her father. Perhaps she has forgotten that he that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce. I guess I have a concrete reason now for naming her Paranoid. I felt insulted and I imagined myself throwing my dirty used bra to his face if I hadn't been brought up with manners.

I used to have a love-hate relationship with my father. But after living far and away from him, I would never trade my father for anything else even for a mountain of gold. My father has never skipped his prayers except during emergencies, has never behaved like that towards my friends and has never been idle like that with no purpose in life. I supposed when you have a father like this or a father like that, somehow you become grateful and appreciative of how your father really is, regardless how imperfect he can be. You will do silent comparison between someone else’s dad and yours and you will start seeing what a hero and respectable man your father is.

Her father never gets out of the house at all. I have noticed his habits already after having to face some unpleasant periods when he is in the house. I guess he only gets up from the mattress when he needs to answer nature calls. Other than that, he will just lay there like a man weakening from the daily dosage of oxygen. He doesn’t seem to care about his appearance at all and that explains why he is untidy. I have friends coming over my house while he is here and they too, share the same view with me. We must always bear in mind never to violate the sacredness of our individual self-respect.

I wouldn’t be telling you this Diary if Paranoid had not step on my tail. I still remember how she told me about what she had to go through at the old house. Have I told you what happened there Diary? Some things happened all thanks to Infinity and her entourage of immediate family members. Paranoid and I were not happy about it because our privacy was invaded. Paranoid preached to me about how she was brought up. No outsiders especially men or boys are allowed in her house to protect and preserve the privacy of women (her late mother, elder sister and Paranoid) except during festivities. Although she has four brothers, her brothers are all trained not to bring home their friends as and when they like. So that is how she grows up. So when things like that happened to her in the old house, she became afraid, upset and unhappy. One thing leads to another and finally she and I moved out. But, ironically she is doing the same thing she experienced back at the old house to me. Do you get what I mean Diary?

Yes, it is only her father and no one else except her father. I work on my own and I spend most of the time doing my work at home in my room. Whenever her father came, he and I will be alone in the house when Paranoid went to work. Her father doesn’t dress appropriately and imagine how would I feel to be alone in a house with this one untidy no-brainer old man? You tell me Diary. Old does not mean wise afterall. All this gives me a stronger reason to get that dream home of mine. One Avenue, here I come!

Kindness Is In Your Power, Stupid!

Dear Diary,

I just came back from Damansara uptown. I met up with my friends and had late dinner there. We hung out at coffee bean. I was there early and had to wait for them for about ten minutes. It has been awhile since the last time I met them. Things happened between us but it was resolved and there we were again. I enjoyed my time with them and I wish we could do it again.

I had peppermint tea and chicken with mushroom pasta. I had forgotten what they called the pasta but it was good except for the tea. I shouldn’t have ordered peppermint tea because I really feel like I was drinking liquid Colgate when I had it. Every sip reminded me of the time I gargle my mouth after every toothbrush session. Yes Diary, it was that bad and everytime I swallowed, it was as if I swallowed the garggled water. I was not impressed with the taste of the tea and it was a lesson I have learnt; never order anymore peppermint tea.

While we were there, there was a cat that came up to a family of five who was sitting outside at the non air conditioned seating area. The cat was little. I am sure it was not a kitten but it was small in size. It walked to that family probably hoping for them to throw one or two pieces of chicken chunks so it can fill up its empty stomach but no, instead the father kicked the cat and even tried to step on it. My friends and I watched in awe. Fortunately the cat was smart enough to know when to leave and it walked away from them unharmed. While walking away, the daughter of the man walked after it and gave chase to it, stomping her feet scaring the cat and she even tried to kick it just like what her father did. She was only about eight years old.

With that, I anticipated the girl growing up with no sense of compassion towards animals. Watching how her dad tried to step on the cat just gave her the impression that it is alright to do that. It all boils down to family conditioning. The home is the best instituition for children to learn. Children learn from what they see and watch at home. If a father shows that kind of behaviour towards animals especially cats, the children might just grow up not having any sense of humanity towards animals. If you haven't any charity of kindness toward all living things in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Seeing what happened, I was brought to mind when I was about nine years old. The sons of my next door neighbour physically abused a cat right infront of my eyes. He pulled the cat by the tail and flung the cat away. When the cat tried to escape, he pulled the cat by the tail by force and flung it again. The cat screamed in pain and I can sense how much pain it was in. I was flabbergasted and shocked. I didn’t think anyone would have the heart to do such a ruthless thing to a helpless cat. My shock turned to anger and I yelled and shouted at him. I cursed him like I was in a cursing competition and I swear I was ready to jump on him and scratch his repulsive face until my mother came up to me and pulled me away. Something just made me do it. I felt at that time I had to do something to stop it, I had to defend the cat because I knew he cannot defend himself. How harmful can a cat be Diary? They are harmless creatures that God created to share this earth with us. What does it take to show just a little kindness? They failed to acknowledge that kindness is in their power, even when fondness is not.

I grew up in a home where animal abuse is not condoned. My parents are animal lovers and I have had pets since I was young. We have had fish to rabbits and cats as our pets. Growing up has always been about sharing our food, shelter and love with the extended families. I can sacrifice my share of fish for my pet cat and share my bed with him. That is how I was brought up. Seeing acts of animal abuse just sickens me and I wish I could do more to protect the rights of those animals.

If the cat had not walked away in time and by any chance the family had hurt or abused it, I was sure I was going to repeat what I had done when I was nine years old to that family and who knows what I might have done to them because mum is not around to stop me from getting too carried away with anger. I was ready Diary, like a sumo wrestler taking his position to attack his opponent come what may. I was not going to care about what’s going to happen to me anyway even if I will put my safety in jeorpardy because my priority was to protect the cat and knock some sense of compassion and humanity to those unruly, moronic imbecile nincompoop bastards. What this world needs is a new kind of army - the army of the kind and she has my vote in that.

I Want To Be Just Like Them.

Dear Diary,

I am back to Malaysia now and I need to run so many outstanding errands. Rolly Polly fetched me and we went straight to Bangsar to have our early dinner. We had ‘ayam golek’ with rice. It was not a very wholesome meal but it was enough to make me feel contented. I tried to order half of the whole chicken but they did not take orders for half a chicken so I had to order a whole chicken of ‘ayam golek’ which I think was ridiculous. First of all, they did not give customers an option to buy. If it was their intention to do that so that customers would just settle for the whole chicken and pay more instead of paying less for half a chicken, then I would say it is unfair. I have to admit that the only attraction at that coffee shop was the ‘ayam golek’. The coffee shop does not serve good food at all. I have been there a couple of times and believe me Diary I think my own home cook food taste better. That is why I have a fix menu when I dine in there; ‘ayam golek’ and white rice. Any other extra dishes would spoil the mood.

How are you Diary? I haven’t written for a couple of days. I have been busy working and staying up late doing my work. I could write to you but I was tired. I am sorry. Anyway I hope you are in the pink of health. I am good and the toothache has gone. It is not bothering me anymore. It is not the tooth but the gum I think. Peppermint has been nice to me. She wrote me in her email a whole list of home remedies for my toothache. I didn’t try any of it. Not that I don’t appreciate it but the toothache was healed when I got her email. I was impressed by her effort. Even though I know it was just a copy and paste thing from the internet, it was her thought that counts and that was magnificient. I have made her my other Diary you know.

I spent a couple of days in Bangi crashing over at Rolly Polly’s. we just had to brainstorm about selling online more aggressively. I have been searching and surfing all the websites that I have found on how to make money online. It is the revolution. So many people are making money online nowadays part time or full time. Times have changed now. The internet is not just a place for looking up for informations on things or booking your flight or concert tickets but it is a place that allows you to make money and if you work hard enough, you might just end up a millionaire. There are so many young internet millionaires. Greg Tseng and Johann Schleier-Smith are the founder for ‘Tagged.com’ Tagged.com is a social networking site founded in 2004. Chad Meredith Hurley (born 1976) is the co-founder and Chief Executive Officer of the popular San Bruno, California-based video sharing website YouTube. Mark Elliot Zuckerberg (born May 14, 1984) is an American computer programmer and entrepreneur. He created the online social website Facebook with fellow computer science major students and his roommates Dustin Moskovitz and Chris Hughes. Those are all a few examples of internet millionaires who become one at a very tender young age. Malaysia has its very own internet millionaires too like Irfan Khairi.

So you see, it is all about ideas. These people turned their ideas into reality and they have never stopped since then and made it to where they are now. I wish and hope I could be like them. Living the dreams like what people always say. Perhaps not a millionaire but at least I can achieve financial freedom. Not having to worry about running out of money. Not having to be concern over my savings running low. Not having to wake up early in the morning just to be at the office before the boss gets in. it. There are people who easily make it there. I really admire those people. The determination, perseverance and desire, I admire all of them.

I have even stopped thinking about love nowadays. All I am thinking now is money. Sometimes I wonder what is to become of me if I fail. Will I go crazy or insane? A lot of us say that money cannot buy everything, but everything that we desire to have needs money. We simply cannot live without money nowadays. It is not the stoned age anymore and gone are the practices of butter trade. I do not want to be a slave to money but I also do not want to be working like slave to earn money. My statement is debatable of course.

Oh Diary, enough about money making. Flying Babe text me and asked how I am last night. I felt ecstatic. I felt my heart jumped. It sure was good how I felt. I haven’t written to her for a month now and I guess she is wondering why. So is she thinking about me Diary? Oh never mind that…I think I will just write to her again…Flying Babe, you are still the one.

Just Do it...

Dear Diary,

I have yawned almost ten times as I am writing this down. I should have gone to bed already but I feel that I have to write to you first. How have you been doing? I am good and my toothache is subsiding. The pain is a little gone but I am still taking precautions. I have begun to eat solid food but I only chew on the right side of my mouth. I am afraid to chew on the left side because I want to allow my gum to heal completely. I miss my Listerine so much at this time.

You know Diary, in times like this that you will begin to miss your home most when you are away. Even though this is my house, well I bought it yes, but I do not have all my most treasured belongings here because I do not live here. Most of them are in Subang Jaya and my Singapore house is just a stopover for me actually. My brother and I are planning to sell this house away. I need money in my Central Provident Fund (CPF) when I grow old and retire. To sell the house is to allow that, as the next house in Singapore will solely be my brother’s. I will not be sharing it with him anymore.

I am not sure how many room flat will the next house be. It all depends on my brother. Talking about this actually reminds me how I have to step it up on my business. After e sell this house, that means I will not be having any property in Singapore neither do my parents. My parents will be living with my brother in his house. I will occasionally come and stay as and when I need to leave Malaysia. It is difficult to live in a country without a visa. I have to leave every two weeks, stay overseas for a couple of days and then come back. The cycle continues until I get myself a visa. It is not easy to get a visa especially for people like me who own business.

There are so many protocols I have to meet, to get a visa. Firstly, I have to register my company as a private limited company. Secondly, it must fall under the one million paid up authorized capital private limited company. Thirdly, I must wait until the authorities deemed that my company has reached maturity and has enough bank transactions before they grant me my visa. So you see the reason why money is all I have in my mind. I have to make it work because I am not going back to Singapore. Where would I go once this house is sold Diary? The next house will definitely not be mine. Yes, of course my brother would not mind me crushing in his house for the days I have to be out of Malaysia but I would not be comfortable doing that. I am giving myself three years to grow my company from a one hundred thousand authorized paid up capital to a one million authorized paid up capital. Make my company bank accounts active as I can. Grow my business, have multiple streams of incomes for my company and get my visa.

That is my plan now Diary. I just have to make it work. There is a story that I read about a successful businessperson in Malaysia. He was not successful when he started out his business (who will when they first started?). When his business progress, he bought himself a Mercedes. It is not to show off neither it is to celebrate wealth and luxury too soon but it is only because he wanted to motivate himself. The Mercedes acts as a catalyst to make him work harder to prosper so he could pay off the installments for his car. The Mercedes acts as the fuel for him to be on the lookout for more business opportunities. He wanted so much to keep his Mercedes so he did what he has to do to keep it. Ultimately what he did help his business grow and become very prosperous.

It is like being chased by a Rottweiler dog. You just have to run for your life hard and fast if you do not want to be bitten. Whatever it is, you run, jump, skip, leap and do what you have to do to escape from that nasty Rottweiler. If you manage to escape, you achieve victory but if you do not, you will get hurt. I think that is the moral of the story. Just do it, Nike says.

Reminisicing The Dentist Horror

Dear Diary,

I have been having this toothache for the past three days now. I am not sure if it is the tooth or the gum but I can feel that my gum is swollen. The pain is just too much for me to handle. It is pounding and very excruciating. I cannot chew my food so obviously my rights and privileges to eat solid food have been strip off. I cannot recall what causes the swell but I remember on our way back to Singapore from Tangkak, I ate crispy cuttlefish and some of it gets stuck in between my teeth and that perhaps causes it.

I did not go to the dentist. I do not think that it is that serious but I have never had something like this for more than a day. As I am writing to you, I can feel my gum pounding and every time the teeth from the bottom and top row grit, I will experience this enormous pain. At times, I really wish that I have a painkiller or something to ease the pain or I imagined myself extracting my teeth out with a plier.

You know Diary, this toothache reminds me of my younger days when I was in primary school. It is natural to lose our baby teeth when we are six or seven, right? When I was at those ages, I remembered how mum used to be my dentist. We tried all ways to extract my loose teeth. We had use the thread that we tied to my teeth and then mum would pull the thread and the teeth would come off. We also waited until the very last minute until the teeth is loose and mum would pull the teeth with her fingers. I was not scared at that time because somehow I knew it was my mum who was going to do it. I supposed it was the natural feelings of trust that I had with mum.

There was also this one time when my teeth was not very loose but mum insisted on pulling it off. I was afraid of the pain that I could be experiencing so I tried my best to talk her out of it but my effort was in vain. She made a decision based on the concept of ‘mum knows best’ and the next minute I knew, one quarter of her right palm was in my mouth. Her fingers were wriggling my teeth slow and steady. I did not cry but I felt how fast my heart was beating at that time. The wriggling continued until I could taste blood when I was swallowing. The minute that happened, I knew it was going to come off soon. My heart beat even faster and mum somewhat used a little bit of force to pull out the teeth and it did come off and slipped from mum’s fingers into my mouth. I was overcome with surprised, pain and shocked, I blew out the teeth out of my mouth, and it landed on my mum’s lap. She laughed at it and it took me awhile to digest what really happened actually. Mind you Diary, what happened was quite an ordeal for me. Well, what do you expect? I was six for crying out loud.

I also recall how I hated so much to go to the dentist in school. I became afraid and cursed silently in my heart every time when some pupil from other class walked in to my classroom to give the dentist card to the teacher in charge. Upon receiving the card, the teacher in charge would call out the name of the student. I always prayed in my heart that it was not going to be me. The fear that I have with doctors and dentist or anybody that uses a white robe as some kind of a uniform at work is beyond description. I have had it since I was young. I hate the clinics, hospitals, doctors, dentist and nurses. I do not fancy them at all.

I recollect how I was called to go to the dentist during the school holidays when I was in primary one. My dad had to take leave from work just to send me to the school’s dentist. I had wished earlier that my dad would forget the appointment but he did not and my regret was beyond description. When I got to the dentist, they were happily waiting for me. The nurses made small talks with my dad and I just stood there. My palms were sweaty and my knees were weak. My heart was beating as though it was bouncing a hundred times a minute. Imagine the fear that enveloped me.

The dentist called me and I went to the seat and lay my body there. I opened my mouth and she did her job. It seemed nothing serious was to take place at that time. I was happy and thought that I could leave soon. I was let down. She took something from the cabinet and I saw she was holding something big. I could not make it out what was it at that time but it was big. It was like a giant syringe with big needle. Now Diary, when a six-year-old kid who has an existing phobia of dentist saw something like that, wouldn’t she be panicked? As I saw that, I cried out and I got up from my seat. I ran out to my father and the dentist chased after me. I thought my father would just bring me home but he did not. Instead, he sweet-talked me into going back to the room so that the dentist can finish her job.

Now as a kid, I was very obliging to my parents. I have never once talked back or ignored them when they told me things to do. In addition, my dad, he was such a sweet talker. Therefore, I did what he asked me to do. I was already crying but I knew I would not be able to outrun them even if I ran and I was obviously outnumbered and out strengthed. When I was on the chair, again the dentist took the big giant syringe and one more time I got terrified. My dad was sitting next to me and he held my hands so I could not blocked or closed my mouth with my hands. Anyway, out of fear anything was possible I guessed. I shut my mouth tight, not wanting to open it up. Since the dentist had to hold the syringe with both hands, my dad had to force open my mouth and when he did that, he had to let go of my hands and so I held on his hands to my mouth and Diary, guess what I did to his hands? I bit them. And trust me I really bit them hard. My dad cried out a little. The dentist gave up and dad could not do anything else except settle for the last resort; my mum.

You know how every one of my siblings are afraid of mum don’t you Diary? My mum is like this dragon where she can blow out fire from her nostrils or mouth or whatever openings she has in her body when she is mad. Dad called mum to come to my school and I was angrier to my dad then. I felt betrayed and so fearful of the implications when mum arrives. By then, I was already up from the chair and I was standing by the doorway crying. Tears were streaming down my face. I was tired, scared and angry with everybody especially my dad for calling my mum. He knows that was and still is my weakness.

When mum arrived, she just gave me that infamous look that she would give everyone of us when she deemed we have misbehaved in public. I saw that look and my knees grew even weaker. And I supposed you know what happened next. Whatever the dentist wanted to do to my teeth, it was done smoothly without interruptions. My dad need not hold my hands. My dad need not sit next to me to calm me down. All thanks to mum, the iron woman with that powerful effective killer look that makes me tame as a kitten.

Single and Happy...

Dear Diary,

I woke up early today when my mum called my name. I did not yell out to her because I was too sleepy. I went to bed at three in the morning last night. I did some work online. Have I told you that I am making money online nowadays? I was looking out for other opportunities making money online last night. You can do so many stuffs to generate income online. I found three methods last night. I only have to experiment it later and see if it works for me. The volume is not big yet for us, but I am sure it will grow eventually. Rolly Polly and I are on the roll now. I supposed both of us are focusing our energy into making money. There is no more time to hope for love anymore. Two friends whose hearts are broken who turned their time and energy into something else. We can choose to be depressed and sorry for ourselves but no, we are not. I admire our spirits Diary. I really do.

I have not dreamt about Flying Babe for a couple of weeks now. Instead, I dreamt of my late brother more. He never spoke in my dreams. He will just appear but he never spoke a word. Someone told me before than if a dead man appeared in your dream and never spoke a word, which means it is he who appeared. I supposed that is true.

I dreamt of Peppermint three nights ago when I was in Tangkak. It was unusual because I have never met her. We became better acquainted online and it is amazing how she can come into my dream. It amazes me so much to think of it. You know Diary, when I look at her pictures, she reminds me a little of Flying Babe. Not that she resembles the whole look but her eyes seem similar to that of Flying Babe.

I wonder how Flying Babe is doing now and if she is thinking about me like how I do about her. Whenever she text me after she gets my letters, she will call me the name she called me when we were an item. I do not know what to figure out from that. She often sends me text messages that contain all those pre typed forwarded messages about friendship, life and love. They all mean good and sometimes too superficial to me. Since she received the last letter, the text messages have stopped. That just confirmed that I screwed up in that last letter.

At times, I wanted so much to ask her if we can start all over again. However, after, looking at my situation now with all the travelling I have to make, I changed my mind. My friends laughed at me a little when they know that I am still not over her. They think that I am wasting my time and effort for a love that is not coming back to me. Well, what can I say Diary the love is still here in my heart. It is okay if she is not coming back to me. I can live with that because I know how much she trusted me when we were together. Nevertheless, if my heart still wants to love her, then just let it be. You can say what you want to me Diary. I will not budge.

Gummy Bear has been busy since she graduated. We meet less nowadays. She is busy working while I am busy travelling. Gummy Bear and her partner have been on a roller coaster ride. I got very naughty sometimes that I call her partner crazy. I somewhat were pissed and annoyed with her partner. She does not trust Gummy Bear at all even after four years of relationship. Gummy Bear is such an angel and I just cannot figure out why her partner would find it so hard to trust her. I always had to watch how Gummy Bear had to avoid answering her phone if the phone call is from her partner. I also had to co operate how to mute myself in the car or at my house when I was with Gummy Bear so she could answer her phone call from her partner without having her partner suspicious of her whereabouts. I grew sick of it sometimes. It is probably because I have been single long enough to appreciate my own privacy and freedom. It can also mean that I am beginning to enjoy all the liberty I have to do what I want and go where I want.

You see Diary, being single is not so bad at all. I am a free woman, literally able-bodied woman. Honestly, I am afraid if I were to bump into a woman that can make my heart jumps again. Because, I have begun to shower myself with many doses of prep talks about the goodness of being single but not lonely.

Having Our Little Paradise On Earth

Dear Diary,

I am back in Singapore with my family. I have left subang jaya for two weeks now and I really wonder how my car is doing. I hope nothing has happened to it and she will be able to start easy when I come back. I think this would be the longest time I have left my car because I will only be back to subang this Saturday so that means it will be a total of eighteen days I have left my car unattended. I installed the driving wheel with the lock I bought. I know professional car thieve syndicates will not have any problem unlocking it but at least that will help deter them from trying. Furthermore, an immobilizer system is pre installed in my car but still I am not quite sure how safe it is from being a victim to car theft.

We left Tangkak at ten in the morning on Sunday. I did not drive back because my brother did not ask me to. I was more than happy and prepared to drive back but since he did not ask me to, I was somewhat disappointed. I love driving long distance. It does not tire me and I like to be behind the wheels. I guess I like to be in control of things that is why I like driving. The journey back to Singapore was smooth. We were not caught in traffic jam. I supposed we made a good decision to leave early. My brother had a company dinner to attend on that evening, thus we were not left with many choices. Nevertheless, it was a good thing though. Although I knew how much mum had wanted to stay longer, she still obliged.

Have I told you about the landscape we have in Tangkak Diary? Do you know how painstakingly we did the landscape only to find that the idea of having grass is impractical as we are hardly there? Every time we come back, we have to mow the lawn and it has really taken its toll on us. Mowing the lawn has become a routine whenever we come back. It is always about lawn mowing, grass cutting, house cleaning and whatever you can think of to keep the house spanking clean. Honestly, I have become tired of it. I want to come back to a holiday house, which I do not have to do any hard work before I am able to enjoy my time there. Furthermore, it is not as though I am going to stay for a week or two every time I am back. I guess mum and dad realized that too and decided unanimously to replace the grass with small pebble stones ceramic. I just think that the idea is brilliant!

We have all the machines and equipments Diary, you name it we have it. Right from water pressure sprayer to lawn mowers to electrical trees pruning saw to wheelbarrow, spade and whatever that a contractor must have, we have them. However, we are just lacking the skills to use them. It was exciting in the beginning because none of us have had hands on experience with the tools. Everybody was just eager and keen to try to use them. Soon, the excitement just died when fatigue took control and we just find that we are not cut out to do all those work anymore. Dad got some minor contractors to do the work for us. Dad gave him some money on Sunday before we left for him to buy the materials. In fact, he already started the renovation works on that morning. Mum was reluctant to leave when the contractors were just starting his job. She said it was a waste that she did not have the chance to cook them lunch and monitor their work. I told her we have paid them enough for them to buy a decent lunch for themselves; they probably can even afford to have a feast with the money we paid them. She nodded and got into the car.

Leaving the house, I imagined how our little landscape would look like once the renovation work is complete. With the garden lamps, stand proudly ready to light up for any onlooker and the wooden gazebo standing tall ready to shelter any passers by from rain or shine. The tress around the landscape giving a magnificent green views and the grassless landscape overlooking the not so panoramic view of the surroundings, I believe and I am sure the little landscape of ours is going to be our little paradise on earth.

The Brightest Day of My Life

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you from Tangkak in my room with a little light from the wall lamp my mum bought for me in Ikea. I have two of those lamps and each is fitted with bulbs of different colours. Dad installed the wall lamps to my wall and healso fitted the lamps with the bulbs. That is how my dad is Diary. He is the handy man in the family. His skills were passed down to my late brother but itis sad that he left us too soon otherwise there would be two handyman in the family.

I woke up early this morning all thanks to my mum. She always does that whenever and wherever she has the opportunity. I supposed she was going to cook Lodeh thismorning but the main ingredient was missing from the bag full of ingredients we packed from Singapore. upon discovering that, I believed she just had to break the news to me. I woke up to a loud knock on my door and when I hurriedly opened my door, I was welcomed by the news that we had missed the instant coconut milk.So mum couldn't start cooking because the coconut milk is the mother of all ingredients if you are cooking santan. So I walked to the toilet like a zombie, released myself, walked out of the bathroom to the vainity section of the washroom,brushed my teeth, washed my face and drove mum to the nearest shop. I didn't even bother to look at myself in the mirror because I knew i was not going to come out of the car. The shop was just a walking distance from my house and there I was struggling to keep my eyes opened. I chuckled to myself.

I think mum knows how important it is to be able to drive thus she is learning now.She has passed both her basic and final theory test and she has to fulfill 25 hours of practical driving lessons before she is able to sit for her traffic police test. I admire the determination of my mum. Even though age has catch up with her but she still has that force deep within her to be competitive and to achieve what she thinksbeneficial to her and the family. I guess she just does not want to be a burden to us.I supposed she is just making her preparations to retire and live comfortably in Malaysia. The house is built and it is fully furnished and now she is taking her driving license and I bet when she finally gets her license and moved to Tangkak, shewill buy herself a car. Well, I think by then I can afford to buy her the car. InsyaAllah, God's willing.

My dad was up early as usual like mum. They are usually up after Subuh prayer and will be awake until forever I supposed. The thing I noticed about the senior citizens is, having sufficient sleep is secondary to them. It is just amazing how they can goto bed late and be the first one to be up the next morning. I wish many times thatI have that kind of spirit or habit but it's all in vain.

When we got home from the shop, mum started cooking immediately and I helped dad with the installation of the garden lamps. There were four lamps altogether and dad wantedto install them on the fence poles. I wondered how was he going to do that when the fence has no sturdy and wide poles. The fence that we have around our house was the regular green wired fence. Now Diary, I bet you would be wondering too, but dad is just amazing. Dad has been an electrician for all his life, a contractor for about four years of his life and a building manager for twenty years. With his vast experiences, he had thought of a wonderful idea and he made it work. He brought his ideas into reality. I helped him with the fixing and installations of his little project. When it rained, we stopped for awhile. When the rain stopped, we carried on. We finished his little project by five in the evening. Mum, bro and myself helped himpacked his stuffs and we congratulated dad on his creative ideas. It was more than creative Diary, it was brilliant!!

When the sun sets and the moon rises, we switched on the switch and we saw all four lamps lit up perfectly. There was only one discrepancy that I have noticed and dad admitted this. One of the lamp tilted more to the left and it was not perfectly horizontally straight. I studied it but who could have asked him to perfect itwhen we all know he had spent all his time today from morning till evening making his little fantasy into life? Who could in his position to comment on it when we all saw how dad has sweat it out just to brighten up the garden for all to see? Dad's work is probably not perfect to the 'America's Got Talent' judges and to some people but it will forever be perfect to me. It is not because he is my dad,but it is because of the effort he puts in, the time he sacrificed, the hard work he had to endure, the energy he had to spend and the reason why he did it; to brighten the dark landscape. You know Diary, his main reason is probably to brighten the landscape but if only he knows he has brighten up each and everyoneof us little hope that someday there is some light from the garden in out home.

Seeing how brightly lit the garden now, I only wish that my late brother would still be alive so he could celebrate this special small moment of success, triumph and happiness with us. He probably is from where he is now...i supposed. I hope.

Selamat Aidiladha Abang...we all miss you so, so much.

Studying My Relationships Habits

Dear diary,
How has it been going with you? I hope you are in the pink of health and thinking of me like how I am thinking of you. I am in Singapore with my family and it is good to be back in the arms of my family. I have missed them a lot lately. Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat are like always, never greeted me when I come back. They are good and carefree as always.

I just finished writing an email to Peppermint. Oh, I have not told you about her have I Diary. Well she is someone whom I have met online and apparently, we have chatted a few years ago. She happened to be in my Facebook contacts and I just could not help but to wonder if I have known her. To stop me from wondering further, I decided to email her and ask. She replied and it all started from there. Do you see how online social networking brings old acquaintances back together? The power of technology nowadays, is just awesome.

It has been three weeks that I have stopped writing to Flying Babe. The last letter that I wrote to her I believe did not really please her. It was probably something that I said in it. I have strong feelings that she is upset with the content. The minute I got her text message, I did not feel good at all. I was worried sick about the contents of the letter until I had difficulties sleeping. It was bad Diary. I think I screwed up. I wanted to write to her again but I do not know what to say anymore. The truth is I do not know what I want out of writing to her anymore. One side of me says that I want her back in my life but the other side of me says that it is not possible. With my current situations, it is just so hard to have a relationship.

I am happy the way I am now. I am not looking for a replacement neither am I lonely. Nevertheless, I think I still love her, which is probably why it is so hard for me to move forward. I believe that I have moved on but I am still not moving forward yet. Sometimes I tried to foresee where we will be in the next five years if we had stayed together, do you know what I see Diary? I cannot say because I do not know. My romance with her was too short to even imagine anything. All I know, my heart is still with her.

Peppermint asked how does Flying Babe looks like. What can I say? She looks like a natural woman. You know Diary, Peppermint has been together with her partner for seven years. Can you believe that? Sometimes, deep down inside my heart I wish I could have something like what she has. It seems to take forever for me to feel that way or to be that way. No relationships that I have had lasted longer than three years. I am probably too difficult to be pleased. I know I am not an easy person to love. But then again, I think I just expect too much. There are many times when I have had someone who never judged me, took me the way I am but I seemed to be wanting more than that so I left them. Perhaps I am just not girlfriend material.

I am not being whinny but I am actually studying my relationships patterns and habits. My longest relationship was with Infinity, which lasted more than two, but less than three years. My shortest relationship I guessed is with Flying Babe but still it is so hard to get over her and so easy to get over Infinity. Now why is that Diary? I know but I think I will just save the story for the next entry.

I will be driving to Muar tomorrow evening. Rolly Polly is already in Perak. I kind of miss her Diary. She is the one that brings happiness to my life now other than my friends. I wonder at times if she and I had not become close like how we are now. Life is sure to be boring. I supposed I do not need love from a girlfriend anymore, but I could use some love from friends and I will focus my attentions to them more than ever now.

A Design That Does Not Serve Its Purpose

Dear diary,

I went to Nilai 3 the other day with Rolly Polly but I didn’t get to see any of the shop there. It was ironic because it was the first time I was there and I didn’t manage to buy or even window shop. You see Diary, I was not looking for any particular items or products but being there somehow will encouraged me to buy something. It is just natural like that. We left home at half past one and we got there at two in the afternoon. It was not that far from Bangi. It was just a straight drive there on the expressway. Our journey was smooth and I could say that there were no hiccups.

Since both of us had not had our lunch yet, we decided to have lunch. There was not any good eating place there. The food courts were mostly vacant and left unattended like as though the hawkers knew they have no one to impress. Looking for a place to eat while I was there made me wonder just where do the shop keepers go for their meals. Finally, we found a stall that had decent number of dishes served although nothing they had really boost my appetite but since we were handicapped on choices and varieties, we had to settle for it. We were lucky to have finished our meals early because five minutes after that, it started pouring heavily. Although we were in a sheltered almost empty food court, still the rain water managed to get to our skins. Those who were in the middle of their meals had to seek shelter from the food vendors fly sheet and of course there were also some who had to be creative; they ate their meals under their umbrellas.

Now Diary, you must be wondering why people would rush to seek for shelters at an already existing shelter. The shelter of the food court looked like it can withstand rain without any flaws but looking at its design, I just don’t get what the designers or the architect or the developer were thinking when they designed and built that shelter. It looked new and strong and sturdy, there were no holes in it due to wear and tear neither was it rusty. They looked fine and the space the shelter covers was the size of a soccer field. I studied the shelter and I realised that the shelter had gaps at the very top of the roof. There were two roofs; one on top of the other, and there were gap in between the roofs. The gap actually allows air and sun to enter into the food court so that’s how the rain got into the food court. If the gap is to ventilate the place, I can say that it’s the most stupid design of shelter I have ever encountered. First of all, the food court has not got any shutters. It was not a warehouse neither was it a futsal court or a badminton court. There was plenty of ventilation the place can get from the entrance because there were no entrances at all. If they wanted to have gaps in between roofs, then they must design gaps that hinder the rain from coming through. All I can say that it was a shoddy piece of work and I wonder did the design not went through any scrutiny before it is endorsed?

Since the shelter did not do a good job sheltering us, and the rain was too heavy to be window shopping (even with a golf size umbrella), we decided to run back to the car and drive back home. That was how I spent my Wednesday Diary. Drove about twenty minutes to Nilai 3, had lunch at a very disinteresting food court, got partially wet in a sheltered covered food court the size of a football field, ran to my car under the heavy pouring rain and then drive home. Tell me honestly, are you laughing at me now or are you shaking your head in disbelieve?

Having A Paranoid As A Housemate

Dear Diary,

I just had a bowl of mushroom soup to start the night. Being at home alone is something that I have missed so much. It’s been awhile and it sure feels different this time. Since moving out of the old house I have never really spent a lot of time alone. I always had friends coming over the house to spend the night with me or I would be sleeping over my friend’s house. I cooked myself lunch this afternoon and I had a good time enjoying it even by myself, alone.

I had a misunderstanding with Paranoid yesterday and it was all because of her paranoia. I grew sick of it and you should have seen how she tried to convince me to believe her. You know about Paranoid don’t you Diary? She is about six years younger than I am but I have never met someone young like that with that kind of mentality, attitude and personality. The more I am around her the more I get irritated by her.

I was in Tangkak last weekend with Rolly Polly and that freak housemate of mine that I named Paranoid. I didn’t have the intention to bring her along but as I was packing, she came up to me with her retard ways asking if she could tag along. I wanted to say no but knowing what she has been through I said yes. You see Diary, Paranoid may be a truly Malaysian. She was born and breed here so I supposed naturally everybody would think she would have more friends than I do. However, that isn’t the way. She has no friends. She does everything alone and that includes watching movie. She spends most of her time alone even during the weekends. She just quit her job recently because she told me she was not feeling comfortable working there. She claimed that she was harassed mentally and nobody in her office likes her that much. So since she has no job, no friends but has all the time in the world, I decided to take her along.

The trip was fine except when Paranoid did some blunders. I supposed she just does not know how to carry herself with people. When we were having dinner, she took out a fifty ringgit bill and asked me how do we pay for the food. So I said we will go dutch.

‘Eh, pakai duit aku dulu tapi kau kena bayar aku balik.’

That was what she said. I was taken aback when she said that. I got offended that moment. I just thought to myself she didn’t have to say that. Rolly Polly and I would have paid her even if she didn’t remind us. As adults we don’t do that to friends who eat at the same table with us. It is rude to be saying that. We don’t remind people to pay us back for the food we ate together. I have never done that to anybody. I don’t need to. Whatever that I have spent on food with the people I hang out with. I would just consider it as my treats if it happens that they do not pay me their share. I do not tell them now and then to pay me back. That is the art that Paranoid has to learn and I can see the reason now why she is lacking friends for comfort.

I started to ask myself if she had forgotten that I didn’t ask her to chip in for petrol and toll for the whole trip. My parents came by and took us to a delicious seafood dinner and still we didn’t even ask her to pay her share because like I said, you don’t behave like that with people you share the same food on the same table. It is just rude. Afterall we don’t see the need for her or Rolly Polly to pay their share because it is absolutely unnecessary. So you see Diary why I seriously think that Paranoid is a paranoid? She failed to see the bigger picture and she really has to learn how to carry herself in front of people before she ends up a loner and a looney.

A few days after we came back from Tangkak, Paranoid told me that she has this feeling that she is being followed or watched by people from her old office. I was speechless. She did not know who is it but she senses it from her instincts. Something happened in her old office that made her quit. She stepped on some toes and ever since then she felt that her phone was bugged, her desktop was installed with some surveillance device and ultimately her privacy was invaded, so to speak.

She has told me her plights. Initially I was sympathetic and shared her predicaments. However, after awhile I began to see that she is somehow hallucinating or something. Paranoid is known to be unusual, that’s what she is to me. I can never hang out with her. I can only take her as my housemate and anything more than that just freaks me out. We don’t share the same wavelength thus I definitely do not and will not consider her as a friend.

When she started to tell me that she feels she is being followed and those close to her might also be followed, I just cannot bring myself to stomach her theories. I couldn’t tolerate her any longer so I told her what I really think. Whatever that has happened or she thinks has happened to her is from her own creations. If she had known how to carry herself and if she had known how to handle things she wouldn’t be having any issues with anybody at her work place. I would have understood about office politics and what it is all about. Everybody has problems trying to get along with everybody in the office but you don’t have to be an individual. She tried so hard to be an individual and she ends up screwing herself. I have brought friends over to the house and out of ten; eight told me they think that my housemate is a weirdo. So you tell me now Diary, who has the problems now? If she is not part of the solutions then she is a part of the problems.

There were many things that I said to her, about how she didn’t handle the situations well when we had some problems back at the old house. She had to ask her father and her brother to talk to interfere. I was a witness of the whole chaos and I really didn’t see the need why Paranoid had to do that. She and infinity are cousins and she should have been able to handle the case but she didn’t. So that just said it all. Paranoid is not matured enough to settle things on her own. She misunderstood me several times when I tried to talk some sense into her and I just gave up. In the midst of defending and explaining herself, I slammed the door right infront of her face and I told her to go look for a shrink. Even that, she got me wrong which I am too tired to tell Diary. It is just endless with her. I will just stick to being her housemate for now.

Dark Chocolate And London

Dear Diary,

I came back to Subang Jaya last night and I saw Rolly Polly there, waiting for me. I got into the car and we gave each other a hug. We went dinner right after that. It was a simple meal but mouthful. She is trying to watch her diet so we shared a plate of fried Kuey Teow, a bowl of fish ball soup and a plate of fried bean curd skin that has a taste of fish. The meal was a real satisfaction. I supposed both of us enjoyed the meal. We didn’t talk about business instead the conversation we had were just empty talks, nothing heavy at all.

You know Diary sometimes I wonder what if one day Rolly Polly has find herself a girlfriend. Will I be able to spend my time with her like how we do nowadays? That’s the thing about having best friends when both of you are single. People can mistake you as a thing and speculations will go around about you having an affair with your own best friends. Well, you can ignore and brush off what people said but the sad thing about it all is, when one of you has find someone to love to call your own, what will happen to that friendship? I don’t know.

I got home and tried to get online. I couldn’t and it was the same error message. I tried many times to the extent that I restarted my laptop. Still I couldn’t with the same error message. I called Maxis and enquired. Apparently the line has been temporarily barred. My Maxis broadband has been registered under Dark Chocolate. I asked her a favour as I did not want to register under my own name because if I were to do so, I needed to pay extra charges just because I am a foreigner. Dark Chocolate agreed and so the deal is for me to pay my bills promptly to Maxis. You know Diary, at times I wonder to myself what would I do without friends like that. It just feels good and beautiful to have people who are willing to lend that extra help.

Dark Chocolate and I have come a long way. We have been friends for almost ten years now if I got my calculation right. We have fought, quarreled, hugged, cursed and what else have we done together? She is the friend who knows me deep inside. She knows how I have made my dreams come true, she has seen how I was when I hit rock bottom in love, she has been there with me when my brother died from cancer, she was there to give me a shoulder to cry on when I didn’t feel so good and she is still here with me even though distance separates us. There is nothing more that I would ask for from her. She has been a good friend to me and most notably she has been a good person.

Dark Chocolate is in London now. When she first broke the news to me, I felt that my heart sunk a little. Now here she is with nothing but smiles on her face, the friend that I have had in good and bad times telling me straight to my face that she is leaving Malaysia for London. What am I going to do without her? I was thinking that to myself. I didn’t show her my disappointments. I smiled back at her trying hard to look happy for her. What made up for it was the fact that she wouldn’t be long there. She told me it will only be temporary so at least I will have her around again when she comes back but when? I don’t know Diary.

Dark Chocolate is not the kind of friend that I hang out with for coffee or movies or dinner at some fancy restaurant. She is the kind of friend that I would look for when I need opinions, advice, help and most of all moral support. That’s what makes her so special even if we do not hang out that often. No matter what and where I knew deep down inside my heart she will always be there for me. That’s the kind of friend that can last for eternity. My only hope for her, she will think of me as the friend that she is to me. I told her once that I will never fall in love with her because I am afraid that I will lose her forever.

Knowing me, how much I have failed in love, I supposed she just had to agree with me. For the first time, I did not have to put in big efforts at all making her to agree with me. She knows that Diary, she knows how much I have always fancy people to agree with my opinions and suggestions because ultimately, I am a jerk. Stubborn as a bull, that’s what I am. But at that point of time when I told her that, she just agreed with me like as though she has been thinking of the same view too. I have loved her Diary, I still do and the thoughts of her right now far and away can bring tears to my eyes. But I know she is where she wants to be and she is probably doing the things she has always sought after.

“I want to be out of here, Fudge”

Yes, Diary. Those were her exact words and I knew right away she will be happy when she is in London, so I shared her happiness even though I knew I failed to look more thrilled about the news but I think I did okay, pretending to be delighted for her.

Hey Dark Chocolate in case you are reading this, please bear in mind that our camaraderie is as deep as the North Atlantic Ocean, as big as Russia, as sweet as Gula Melaka, as meaningful as the last dollar I would have in my wallet when I am broke. That is the best expression I can think of and it is original, mind you. *winks*

Missing Helplessly...

Dear Diary,

Hey….good morning to you…how are you on Monday morning? I can’t sleep. I dunno, I guess I am thinking of a lot of things lately. I miss her so much you know but I am so afraid to even call her and say that. All I do right now is to write her letters. I tell her stories in my letters and everytime she gets the letters, she would text me and tells her part of the story about what she thinks of the things I wrote in the letter. It has been a year since the break up but I am still embracing the pain. How can I move on when I am still in love with her? You tell me…

Sometimes, I feel so helpless missing her so badly like this but what can I do and what can I say….some things are better to be left the way they are…so that nobody gets hurt because when we do get hurt, the pain is just so unbearable…I have stopped writing to her because I have this feeling that I might have said something wrong in my last letters to her…when she text me, she didn’t really sound happy when she gets the letter…I got so afraid that I stopped myself from writing anymore letters to her…

Diary, what the fuck am I doing to myself? I hate this so much.

Spending Sunday...

Dear Diary,

I have been having this attack of giddiness quite often and it is actually making me worried a bit. Everytime when I have the attack, I feel that my surroundings move in circles. When that happens, I have to stop doing whatever I am doing and shut my eyes to wait for a few seconds till the giddiness stops. That’s what I have to do to overcome the pain. I probably have to drink lots of water. Water is food to the brain as it gives oxygen to it. When our brain lacks water that also means the brain lacks oxygen. But then again, I have been drinking lots of water and I am sure my brain is not oxygen deprived so I really don’t know what causes the headache. Anyway, I will go for a check up soon if the headache and giddy persist.

I went to my aunt’s place this afternoon. She is going to Mecca and she hosted a kenduri at her house. There were lots of food and they were not the typical kenduri food. They are not special neither they are extraordinary. They are just food which we have for lunch or dinner daily. That’s what I am talking about Diary. My aunt served us ikan pari asam pedas, sotong sambal, bergedil, sayur urap, ayam goreng, lemak nangka, laksa, curry puff and some kueh mueh. On a typical kenduri feast, those foods are not usually served.

What I am trying to say is Diary, times have changed and everything around it changes too. Customs and traditions have not been practised like how they used to be practised in the olden days. I still remember when I was young, everytime I went for a kenduri event, the food for feast served were usually chicken, beef, mutton beriyani, roti kirai with chicken curry, nasi ambang and traditional Malay kueh. The food will be served to us and we would eat them together. There were lots of cutleries and plates and bowls to be used because when the foods were served to us, they were served in bowls or plates. Each portion is for four persons and if there are thirty or fifty guests attending the kenduri, imagine how many kitchenwares are to be used for that event. So there are really lots or hard works when someone decides to host a kenduri event. And that is the time when we see the ‘gotong royong’ spirit in the Malay society. Everybody helps with the chores be it cooking, cleaning, serving and even hosting. It is sad to say that we don’t really get to see that too often nowadays especially in Singapore. People choose to serve different kind of foods and they usually have the foods serve buffett style. No longer we will see glass plates or bowls, all that will be used is the styrofoam plates, bowls and cups. Convenience and practical are the priorities now replacing typical practices of ethnicity.

The house was filled with many relatives and I didn’t really enjoy myself because my best cousin sister was not there. Every corner of the house was filled with people and I found it hard to find a spot for myself where I could just hang out. In the end, I found my way to the kitchen and ended up helping my aunties to serve the food. There was not much to do but I think I was just trying to escape from having conversations with my older cousin sisters. I have always escaped to the kitchen whenever I wanted to save myself from being bombarded with questions that I just do not wish to answer. You see Diary, the kitchen is where there is most works to do. When there are a lot of tasks to do, people won’t have the time to make conversations with you because everybody is so busy trying to finish their tasks. So that’s how I saved myself from unwanted situations.

What Am I Doing Part 2

Dear Diary,

As I was talking to you about Rolly Polly last night, I got very sleepy and so I have to call it a night. Please accept my apologies because coffee does not work on me anymore nowadays. When I get sleepy, I really get sleepy and there is no holding back. How was your Saturday Diary? I had a good time with my family. We went to JB to pump petrol and then we had seafood at the usual place. It seems to me that my family and seafood cannot be separated.

As I was saying about my company, Rolly Polly is someone I had known for about eight years I think. However, I have never considered her as my friend because we hardly meet in person or hang out together. Our communications were usually based on online instant messaging service. We would chat or email each other. Even after I have moved to Malaysia, we never really got close or better acquainted. That is why I have never considered her as my friend before. But now, if you were to ask me about her, I would say that she is more than a friend. I may even call her my guardian angel now. You see, she is whom I am close now. We hang out together and we talk a lot. We share things and stories. Although we have had our fair share of disagreements and arguments, we are still together trying to make our hopes and dreams alive. She came into my life when my head is strong but my heart is weak. Most of the times after every argument we had, I still think that she is the best business partner for me. She makes it real for me. That is probably because she is as strong headed as I am and I started to see the reason why she and I became close at a later stage of our acquaintance.

Rolly Polly is a year younger and in my opinion, she is intellectually smart, generous, sporting, fun and an initiator. She is fun to be with because I can talk about almost anything under the sun, moon and the sky with her. Her level of general knowledge makes it easy to talk with her. I always like having conversations with intellectually smart women. They are just sexy and mesmerizing. So that is who Rolly Polly is Diary.

After I sold away the drink stall, we got this stall in KL. It was supposed to sell Char Kuey Teow but we sold more than that. We planned everything together from A-Z. We made it happen and it turned out okay. Rolly Polly was a strong person and at times I wondered if I could have made it without her because I know no man is an island. Nobody can do it alone. At least we need some kind of a moral support from those around us. I knew I was being difficult to her many times during the plannings of the stall. She had to give in to me all those times. We fought, we quarreled, we cursed and God knows what else we did to each other. I guess both of us wanted to be free but somehow it was not easy because we are both stubborn. I can say that it was hell with a capital H. It was so difficult to work with her and I am sure she would think like that too toward me. Never have I encountered an enormous problem working with someone before until I realised that it is either do or die.

I taught myself to work with her and I learnt how to compromise because the purpose of life is not to be happy - but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that I have lived at all. We complimented each other and we started focusing on the company’s goals. We sold the stall after two weeks of operations and made a handsome profit for both of us. Right now, we are venturing into other businesses and always on the look out for other money making opportunities. Rolly Polly is the fuel for the company while I am the machine. We can’t make it without each other and I don’t think I can work with anybody else except for her.

I have never really thanked her for the company she gave me or the wake up comments she threw at me or the hurtful but truthful remarks she said about me. I have never really showed her how much I appreciate her or how much I treasure her company now. She is someone whom I will always be thankful to because I know she came into my life at the right time and at the right place. After all my strengths are gone, it is what in her that I can be strong. I hope I can give her what she hopes for even if it is just a smile to make her day.

Hey Rolly Polly, to our company, may our pockets be heavy and our hearts be light. May good luck pursue us each morning and every night. To the lamp of love for the partnership we have, may it burn the brightest in the darkest hours and never flicker in the winds of trial. I love you!

What Am I Doing Part 1

Dear diary,

As I am writing this down to you, I am fighting to stay awake to reach to the end of this entry I am going to submit. But then again, will I be able to since I am only at the second line of this entry. And while I am writing to you, I have about four messages waiting for my attention from my instant messaging service. I should have been invisible there because I cannot seem to be writing in peace now. I always have these interruptions which can be a little hard to handle. I do not mind if I am not writing but when I am writing I just need to pay my attention wholly to it and I really do not appreciate interruptions.

How are you doing Diary? It has really been awhile since I last wrote. If I got this right, I think it has been about five months. So, what is new with me? There are a lot of things…so many about me are new. I have been so busy living in two countries, trying to make end meets and achieve my endless goals. *Grins*

For your information, I have sold my drink stall in Putrajaya in September. It was a good decision and I haven’t regretted anything about it since. I suppose I have no time for regret. I have got myself another stall but I sold it away after two weeks of operations. I just don’t know where to begin. There are plenty to tell and I am not sure where to start. Perhaps I shall let you know about the drink stall first. It was a spontaneous decision I felt before Ramadan. The overhead was high and ihave been getting lots of stories about what Infinity thought of me and the stall. The things people just cannot stop from assuming when they feel they are being kept in the dark. Do you get what I mean Diary?

There are too many conflicts about the stall. Too many to the extent of selling it away is the best choice I had. I do not want to have anything to do with Infinity anymore. Our break up was bitter and it has stayed that way eversince. To manage the stall when our relationship was bad is difficult. All the finger pointing, bad mouthing, unhealthy assumptions especially on money matters were too much for me to handle. What is even worst, when I confronted her, she denied so I really do not know who to trust and believe. One thing I know in my two years of relationship with her, Infinity has the tendency to forget what she has said usually. She is not the kind to remember details and I really do not care anymore. I just wanted to get it over and done with. It is sad but a man got to do what a man got to do. If having business together brings nothing but silent grudges and unfounded accusations, then that business is just not worth it.

I set up my own company now. I have a local business partner which is one of the requirements as I am a foreigner. She is Rolly Polly and she is one hell of a strong headed woman, just like me and I always wonder if we are able to get along.

Oh Diary…I have to go…I am so sleepy... I will talk to you again ok. Love you.

Remembering The Faithful Departed...

Dear diary,

I am listening to all the songs that inspired me to write as I am writing my thoughts down to you. I have been doing fine now. Yes Diary, in case you are wondering I am still alive and kicking. I wouldn’t say that I am in the pink of health because I have been having this pounding headache for the past one week. I took panadols everytime before I go to sleep but the headache just refuses to go away. What shall I do now Diary? I am afraid. I really am because my late brother died from brain cancer and he had major headache before he was diagnosed with it. Look, I am not being paranoid but I still have this trauma, if you only know what I mean. Mark Twain once said, “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” I probably have not lived my life fully. I may seem like I have but I haven’t actually.

You know Diary, whenever I pray, I pray to God to give my family and I, good health and wealth so we can live longer than ever and I would still have the opportunity to take care of them like all fillial daughter would do. I just want to have that chance Diary. Give me a chance to do something really noble to my parents before my time or their time is up. I am sure you get what I mean don’t you?

I dreamt about him a couple of times. Perhaps it is time for me to go back to the basics. I have been ignoring my responsibility to pray. *sigh* sometimes I wish I am still living in singapore under one roof with my family so that my prayers to God will be well taken care of, so that I will not commit too many sins and so I will always be standing on solid ground. You know Diary, living away from your parents give you the liberty to do what you want, wear what you like and most of all be who you really are. In most cases, we just tend to get carried away with the freedom we have and we often take things for granted. Like I said earlier in all my previous entries, I still know what and who I am but at the same time I wish I could carry out my responsibility as a Muslim child. I still feel sad for the demise of my brother even though it has been almost five years now. People say time is the great healer but as time passes by, the reality and truth only start to sink in and then you realise that you are one member short in your family. Am I getting sentimental now? I don’t know Diary….sometimes I wish I can go back to the start to make amends with him, to say how happy and lucky I felt to have him as my brother and most significantly how much I loved him.

We barely talk about him nowadays. Mum and dad do not reminisce about him to me. I don’t know. I suppose we all know how each and everyone of us feel for him and we perfectly know if we start talking about him, we will all break down and thus that’s the reason why we stopped talking about him. After all we are all Asians and Asians are known not to be generous or obvious with their emotions. Yes, I write about what I feel but if you were to ask me to show it openly to the people I want to convey the message across, I will definitely think twice about it. But then again, if we never really display what and how we feel towards certain people, what if we do not have the chance at all?

I recall how I whispered to his ear how much I am sorry for all wrongs I have done to him and how much I loved him minutes before he breathe his last breath. Oh Diary, if I were to take you back to the day when he died, you would have thought that it just happened yesterday because I commit to memory every detail vividly until now. Can you believe that? They are all in my head waiting for me to let it all out.

I can never put out of my mind that moment of truth when I finally experience it myself. I always see it in the movie or some television series. I have never really thought that it would happen in my family. Do not get me wrong, yes, death occur everyday but I have never thought it would be him because he was so young. He had so much to accomplish at that young age. I miss him everyday Diary. For all the changes we have in the family, I still think of what it would be like if he were still alive and how would he react to the changes. I still wonder how it is going to be still having him around.

Those are the things that I wonder about him Diary. It is just something that I must do to imagine him with the current situations in the family. I bet this is what my parents would do too in their quiet times and minds. I can see it in their faces, those sad wrinkled faces. So do you get what I mean now Diary? The love I have for my parents has no desire but to fulfill itself. It is to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. It is to wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving and living. I want to live as long as my parents are alive so I know they still have me to keep them company, safe from harm every minute of their remaining lives because I am their child that they once used to cuddle in their arms to keep me warm. I have grown so big now from that baby, ready to take charge for them, for my parents…always and forever. This I promise them.