Life Is Beautiful

When Sadness And Happiness Collide

Dear Diary,

I have been busy going places and doing things. I have no more space in my own home now since the takeover of my room by the new owner. I cleared my room empty including the stuffs I left behind 5 years ago in my wardrobe when I moved to Kuala Lumpur. The little boxes I kept my most treasured collections of my late brother’s things and the locked drawer that has been left unopened for as long as I was away; they were all still there, untouched, unmoved and unexplored by others. It is like they were waiting for me to come back and get them.

I took my time clearing my stuffs, putting them in boxes where I sealed them securely merely trying to make sure that no one else would have access to it. All the memories came back to me in a day. I touched the wallet that used to belong to my late brother. I saw the notes he left us before he died. His handwriting on that note still looked very familiar to me even after 6 years he is gone. Tears were in my eyes when I read them. I held his photo closed to my heart and I allowed myself to be emotional and sentimental about it all. I wanted to feel that way and I knew that is probably the last time I could feel him in that room, in this house. I know that feeling is often the deeper truth, the opinion the more superficial one. Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf. I chose to surf sadness on that day.

I had his cap in the little box too. I recalled how he wore that cap to cover his bald head from the chemotheraphy he had for his cancer. It was heartwarming reminiscing about it but I let it be. I was alone in the house and I knew I had the time to myself to sense what I really want to feel about leaving this house without having my parents to witness how heartbreaking it is for me. I did not want them to feel bad I have never really showed my parents how I truly feel about his death. You are my only source of releasing the guilt that I have inside me Diary.

I still have his last packet of cigarettes tucked neatly in a Tupperware. How I remember when I used to light his cigarette when he wanted a smoke. I supposed there was no use in stopping him to smoke anymore when I knew he was dying. It was like in prison where a convict will get to eat what he wanted to eat the day before his death sentenced is carried out. I wanted him to have what he wanted and I knew my parents would have approved of it too.

It is hard to write to you nowadays Diary. I have so much to tell about my life now. There are many stories I want to share with you but time and space are not on my side. I have been coping with life and I have gotten used to being in Singapore for good now. I am trying all my best to make things work and I have taught myself to have a little patience for the things I hope for. Life is difficult but I also know that life is beautiful.

Regardless of what happens, I thank God for the good and nice people that came into my life. For the ones that have been gone, I still remember them and carry them in my background because they have left footprints in my heart. For the ones that have just come into my life, I promised myself that I will treasure them and appreciate what I have with them. Life is too short to complain and too unpredictable to be choosy. Although I know being able to make a choice is every human’s blessing, I choose to be thankful that these people exist in my life for reasons I can see only if I teach myself to accept them for who and what they really are. Someone once told me that happiness is something subjective; man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.

I will embrace happiness tightly now and I will never let it go for I know happiness are the ones that put smiles on my face. Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want and be very modest about it all.

Leaving But Not My Memories Behind

Dear Diary,

I woke up to the sound of my alarm at 7 in the morning and I went back to sleep after that. 1 hour later I got out of bed and took my shower. I always shower first everytime I got out of bed nowadays. I have been trying to figure out why but I haven’t got the answer. I have brought out the few boxes in my room today and the room looks big without the boxes. The new owner will take over this room next week and fill it up with their furniture. It is in the agreement that they are to use the room for the storage of their stuffs and we are to live in this house with a month extension after completion of transaction.

I don’t even know where I am supposed to sleep next week. I will have to clear all my belongings from this room and leave it empty for them to put their stuffs. I honestly feel like I am living a life like a vagabond in my own house. It is strange why I am always the one to give in. The most ideal one to give in is me of course since my room has been turned into a store. But then again, I still remember when I was little whenever we have guest in the house I was always the one who has to give up my room and each one of us has our own room mind you. My brothers never had to give up their rooms, never had to help with the cooking or cleaning. It is always I. I am not sure if it has taken a toll on me but I am starting to get annoyed a little.

How are you Diary? Have you been missing me? I have missed you every minute of my life and I wish I could simply ring you up to tell you so. I have been sending out my resume actively and I still am. There has not been any call yet but I supposed it is natural because all the openings that I sent to, they have not been closed yet. Anyhow I cannot stop from letting myself wonder if there is something wrong or something missing in my resume. I attached my latest picture of my name cards and yes, I do look a bit old in the picture. I would say that I look unattractive. *Chuckles* I gave Flying Babe my name cards in one of the letters and she told me that I look very professional in it but I really do not think so. Perhaps it is the expected salary that is scaring the employers away, do you think so Diary? Oh geez! Never mind, I will get over it soon.

I might be driving to Tangkak tonight and I will spend about 3 days there. There are more works to be done in Singapore than in Tangkak but it has been awhile since we last went there. I really thought that I could just stay in Singapore to finish whatever needs to be cleared in my room. I haven’t really finished everything yet. I am out of garbage bags and boxes. Oh Diary I really am tired with all the packings. I feel that I have spent so much of my time packing and unpacking. From the day I left Inifinity I packed my stuffs to move to my new place and 1 and half years later I packed again to move out of Subang back into Singapore and now I am packing again to move into a new home.

I have done so much packing and cleaning that I don’t even know what else to do. *chuckles* I probably should send my resume to some mover company or something. *LOL* I will get hired immediately most likely. Moving out from this house, it gets me thinking about my late brother and how he had died in this house. We are finally leaving his traces in this house and there will be no memories of him in the new house.

I supposed we all have to move on from our histories and past. We cannot live clinging on to things that have become memories waiting to be reminisced. Memory is a way of holding onto the things we love, the things we are, the things we never want to lose. I know I never wanted to lose my brother but I lost him in this very house. And now we are moving out of this house and I know I shall never be able to picture how it was like the day he passed away. But one need not be a chamber to be haunted; one need not be a house to remember because the brain has corridors surpassing material place. Leftovers in their less visible form are called memories and are stored in the refrigerator of the mind and the cupboard of the heart.

Bersabarlah Wahai Diriku....

Hello Diary,

Sekali lagi aku menulis untuk bacaanmu. Hari ini, Aidiladha dan seperti biasa aku menolong emak ku memasak untuk jamuan keluarga pada hari sebelumnya. Dan seperti biasa jugak aku begitu tidak suka melihat cara emak ku memasak kerana dia begitu pengecah sekali. Apa pun yang dibuatnya darah di dalam badanku ini seolah olah mendidih didih pada suhu 100 degree celcius. Mataku seperti menangis air mata darah melihat cara dia di dapur. Aku begitu tidak boleh sekali melihat dia berkerja di dapur atau pun di mana mana. Aku tidak faham sungguh tabiat emak ku yang begitu selekeh bila memasak.

Kadang kala aku bertanya pada diri sendiri dari manakah tabiat yang ada dalam dirinya itu datang. Aku sendiri tidak begitu bila di dapur. Jikalau aku memasak, kamu akan merasakan bahawa aku akan memasak di dalam rancangan ‘Mari Memasak’ di television. Bahan bahan yang aku perlukan akan aku siapkan dahulu di dalam bekas bekas yang comel dan sesuai. Aku akan hanya keluarkan bahan mentah dari fridge yang aku perlukan. Aku tidak akan keluarkan segala galanya jikalau aku tidak perlu. Dan bila semua bahan bahan ku sudah disediakan, aku akan menyusun bekas bekas yang mengandungi bahan masakan aku secantik cantiknya. Dapur aku kelihatan kemas dan bersih. Walaupun tidak cantik tetapi ia akan sentiasa nampak kemas dan tidak berselerak mahupun selekeh.

Tetapi, untuk emak ku segala harta karun yang ada di dalam fridge dikeluarkan and dia akan menyepah nyepahkan bahan bahan tu di dapur sesuka hatinya, langsung tiada system baginya. Dan sink akan dipenuhi dengan kulit kulit bawang atau perut perut ikan atau pun segala macam sampah. Pinggan mangkuk dan periuk belanga akan diletakkan di mana sahaja yang dia suka. Masaknya untuk 4 orang tetapi berkecahnya seperti dia memasak untuk 40 orang. Itulah dia emakku bila dia di dapur. Mata memandang amat menyakitkan sekali dan hati yang menanggung amat menyampah sekali dengan cara selekehnya yang agak agak tahap ‘cipan’ kalau mengikut slang orang orang Malaysia.

Aku amat pantang sekali bila berkerja dengan orang yang selekeh berbuat kerja. Jikalau dulu di kedaiku aku boleh memarahi pekerja ku andai kata mereka amat selekeh bila membuat kerja tetapi tentu sekali aku tidak boleh memarahi emak ku kerana dia adalah emak ku dan dia juga lebih garang daripada aku kalah si singa betina di hutan amazon. Apa lagi yang boleh aku buat selain diam dan terus diam sahaja sambil memujuk hati aku yang bagai ingin meletup seperti gunung berapi di Indonesia. Hati aku ini bagai ingin meluap luap memuntahkan larva yang panas sekali bila melihat ‘untidiness’. Aku amat allergy dengannya dan ini di hadapan aku, nampak gaya aku harus belajar menerima hakikatnya bahawa emak ku sendiri mempunyai sifat begitu dan aku akan tinggal bersamanya menjadi saksi utama pada ‘untidiness’ nya itu. Is that a tall order Diary?

Pada pagi hari ini, aku bangun dan terus ke dapur. Aku mengangkat baju yang disidai sehari sudah. Aku mencium baju baju itu dan aku terbau seperti rendang, sambal udang, sambal goreng dan bermacam macam rempah sekali di baju baju itu. Sekali lagi aku bagai merasakan bahawa darah di dalam tubuh badan aku ini mendidih sekali lagi. Diary, aku amat pantang sekali bila baju yang dah dikeringkan berbau makanan. Aku hanya berkata dengan emak ku yang baju baju itu baunya macam lauk pauk yang kita masak untuk Aidiladha. Aku perasan yang lauk pauk itu semuanya sudah dipanaskan oleh emak dan mungkin itulah jugak sebabnya. Jikalau baju yang disidai di dalam rumah tidak di angkat dahulu sebelum masak atau memanaskan lauk pauk, baju yang disidai itu akan berbau makanan yang dimasak.

Seperti yang aku sangkakan, emak aku hanya menyalahkan aku dan dikatanya aku duduk terperap di dalam bilik aku tidak mengendahkan kerja kerja rumah itulah sebab kononnya baju baju itu berbau makanan. Aku diam sekali lagi. Jikalau aku menjawab, akan berlakunya perang dunia ketiga di dalam rumah ku dan aku seperti membayangkan dua ekor singa betina bercakaran, mengaum dan berkejar kejaran ingin menyakiti satu sama lain. Sekali lagi kalau mengikut slang orang Singapore aku akan berkata ‘darah up sehhh’…maknanya, her comment drove me up the wall.

Di pagi Aidiladha, aku hanya membisukan diri. Aku tidak berkata apa apa kerana aku malas dan aku tahu siapa aku di dalam keluarga ini. Mungkin aku anak yang tidak pernah membanggakan emak ku, dihantar belajar law kononnya mahu menjadi seorang lawyer tetapi tidak kesampaian. Akhirnya hanya seorang lawyer buruk yang mampu aku jadi. Duitnya habis aku sapu untuk menanggung cost pelajaran dan kehidupan aku, tetapi langsung tiada hasil. Itulah aku Diary. Dan kini aku pulang ke singapura berkerja yang tiada gaji kononnya mahu membuat duit lebih supaya dapat menyimpan duit dengan cepat dan sampai sekarang masih tiada hasilnya.

Aku agak tersentuh bila mendengar. Pada masa yang sama aku amat marah. Jikalau kata kata itu keluar dari mulut abangku mungkin aku sudah menerkam dia dan mencakar cakar mukanya sampai berdarah. Atau pun aku menerkam dan membahamnya di leher. Itulah perasaan aku masa itu. Kadang kala aku penat melayan kerenah emak ku tetapi aku tahu aku anak dan suka atau tidak, aku mesti melayan. Aku harus telan segala apa yang disindirnya ataupun yang diperlinya ataupun yang dimarahinya. Aku belum mampu memberinya makan dan minum. Aku masih memerlukannya. Diary, di saat aku menulis padamu, aku terbayangkan Flying Babe. Aku selalu menulis atau mengadu padanya bila aku di dalam keadaan begini. Dan apabila dia sudah membaca suratku, dia akan membalas aku dengan sms yang memberi aku semangat.

Aku ini seperti hidup malu malu di dalam rumahku sendiri. Makan minumku masih ditanggung oleh ibu bapaku dan mulut aku seperti terikat untuk mempertahankan diri aku kerana jikalau aku berbuat demikian, aku akan ‘ditembak’ di kiri dan kanan dan segala kisah kisah silam akan diungkitkan kembali seperti mayat dihidupkan kembali di dalam cerita ‘Pendekar Bujang Lapok’ dan pada masa itu juga, aku harus mengucapkan ‘Cobaan’ kerana itulah yang paling afdal bagi keadaan aku. Serba salah aku dibuatnya. Kerja yang aku lakukan sekarang memerlukan aku berkerja dari rumah dan susah bagiku untuk berkerja dari rumah kerana ada sahaja yang harus aku buat di rumah. Sekejap- sekejap emak ku akan menyuruh aku ke sana dan ke sini menemaninya ataupun menyuruh aku membuat itu dan ini.

Aku duduk terperap di dalam bilik ku sebab aku menggunakan laptop dan internet untuk berkerja. Itulah sebabnya aku duduk terperap di bilik. Dan bukan aku langsung tidak menjalankan tanggungjawabku. Aku vacuum, mop, cuci baju, sidai baju, angkat baju, lipat baju, masak dan berbagai bagai lagi yang aku buat. Tetapi tiada yang melihat Diary. Itu adalah adat bukan? Apa pun yang kita buat, tiada yang perasan, tapi apa yang kita tidak buat, ada sahaja yang melihat. Aku mesti keluar berkerja. Aku tidak boleh berkerja dari dalam rumah.

Aku rindu dengan Subang Jaya sekali. Di sana, walaupun aku tidak mempunyai sesiapa, aku gembira di sana. Aku rasa, emak ku sama juga sepertiku, benci melihat aku tidak kemana mana. Belajar tidak habis, kerja pulak tidak bergaji. Tetapi, dia emak dan mungkin dia diam kerana aku anaknya sama seperti aku benci melihatnya masak di dapur kita. Hendak ditegur tidak boleh, jadi aku terima sahaja seadanya. Itu juga mungkin yang dilakukannya.

Aku tidak membenci emak ku. Dia adalah Quran buruk ku bukan? Walau keadaan apa pun, aku tetap akan menyayanginya tetapi aku hanya mahu meluahkan. Flying Babe tiada lagi dalam hidupku Diary. aku hanya mahu bercerita. Aku rasa apa yang aku rasakan adalah perkara biasa. Aku sudah mencari jalan alternative. Aku hanya sedang menunggu tawaran. Mungkin sekejap atau mungkin lagi lama harus aku menunggu tetapi yang pasti, aku akan tetap bersabar. Bersabar adalah separuh dari imanku…bukan?

Doakanlah aku Diary.

My Screwing Up Session

Dear Diary,

I went to HDB for my first appointment for the buying of my client’s house and it was somewhat embarrassing. Well, I am not sure but it seems to me that everytime I tried to make sure that I have all the documents ready before hand, there will always be a piece of document that I would miss. It is rather annoying and can be painstakingly disastrous.

I remembered last time I had overlooked the statutory declaration form that has to be filled up by agent and so I ensured that I did not forget it this time. However just as I thought I had every form ready, I missed the HDB loan application form for my buyer. It was very frustrating to get everything right and in order the first time. That is why people say experience is the teacher of fools. I am the fool and yes, I have learnt my lesson quite well.

I was punctual for the appointment and while I waited for the seller and the seller’s agent to arrive, I double checked my file. Yes, I had everything ready and when the rest of them arrived, Tina whom I would happily described as Marge Simpson who represented the seller asked me to take the queue number. So there I was walking with full of grace and confidence not wanting to look as blur like a sotong a bit, walked to the automated queue number dispenser and I pressed the button. Now Diary, it was the first time I did it and how the hell am I supposed to know that this bloody machine is not like the usual queue number dispenser you find in banks?

I had to scan my IC bar code first at the scanner and after that I had to choose from a list of options. This machine really caught me off guard and as I was thinking which option should I choose from, I was cursing this machine simultaneously. I really couldn’t believe that this piece of machine as tall as I am and as big as Gummy Bear can have the ability to make my life difficult. I reread the options I had and I chose the one that suited my situation best. I walked back to them and Marge Simpson took the queue number from me and started searching for the counter that we have to go. Somehow, being the experienced agent she noticed something amiss and I was with her walking to and fro and she was getting louder and louder.

We were supposed to give our documents first to the front counter officers only then we will be directed to the interview room for the final meeting with the assigned HDB officers. However that was not the case so she sensed something was wrong and talking at the top of her lung that I had taken the wrong queue number. I was embarrassed not because of the mistake that I had made but I was embarrassed because I think almost everybody in the hall has known and can second guess that I am a new agent. Right there and then I smiled at Marge Simpson and went back to that machine and took the correct one. Marge Simpson followed me from behind and she guided me and taught me how to do it.

I was honestly embarrassed but really Diary, at that point of time I couldn’t care much about my reputation. All I had in mind was to get it over and done quickly. So we waited for our turn and when our turn came, again I screwed up forgetting the HDB loan application form for my client. It is not that I had forgotten but I did not know that I have to get him filled the application form when he is applying the HDB loan. Right there and then, I gave the officer my ‘blur like sotong’ face and she explained to me infront of the clients and Marge Simpson. I felt like a student being reprimanded by the form teacher for forgetting to do my homework or something. I felt my face turned hot and red and I really tried to keep my cool. Oh Diary, I swear if I were a turtle, I would have slid my head right into my shell straight away. It was so torturous to be in my situation at that time. I screwed up one thing after another. The counter staff directed me to the reception and I asked for the loan application form and filled it up for my buyer. After that we waited for the HDB officer to interview us.

Our number was called and I went in with my client first while the sellers waited outside the interview room. I really thought I had done the financial calculation correctly but again, I screwed up because the officer was telling me something about insufficient fund in my client’s CPF ordinary account so we could not proceed with the sale transaction. I was pissed! I almost lost my head because I honestly thought I had done the financial calculation correctly and had ensured my client has sufficient fund in his CPF account. I called up HDB customer service hotline thrice and asked them to guide me on the phone and there was no mentioning of any insufficient fund in CPF. My client looked at me at that point of time but I still kept my cool not wanting to have any eye contact with him. I knew having eye contact with him would mean war. I asked the HDB officer again slowly and clearly to repeat and explain what he just said.

He did and my client started defending his position. I let him talked so I could get a better picture of what was really the problem. I frankly couldn’t figure out what was the problem truly. All I knew was that this HDB officer told me that he had to postpone this transaction because of the lack of funds in the CPF account. So after my client spoke, I spoke too and I told the officer that all that is required of my client is to have at least 10% of the buying price in his account and the rest will be taken from the loan. My client will also have more funds refunded back into his CPF account after the sale of his house. So there, I made my point clear and the HDB officer excused himself probably to seek the advice from someone senior than him and he came back with good news.

I let out a sigh of relief. What a day to start the day Diary. During the course of the interview, I felt like asking him if he is new in HDB. He gave us a suspense that could cause me my heart. My heart has had enough and there he was giving another bombshell to my heart. I felt my heart shrink a little nowadays.

I got to go Diary. Take care my love.

My Resume Talk and Skin Colour

Dear Diary,

I have been waking up at 6 in the morning for a couple of days this week to send mum to work. When I came back home, I did not go back to sleep instead I would spend my time doing the housework or I would just sit down and daydream. That is what I would do normally. I will always take my time to shower and to start my work. That is how I am and thus I really think that I am not the kind of person to be working from home. Ironically, when I have the mood to work diligently the environment at that point of time is not conducive for me.

I have updated my resume and I know who I want to send it to. I spent my time this morning surfing for tips on how to create an impressive resume. I copied the format and started writing mine. I think my resume this time looks better. I can say that I made some major changes to it and I am rather proud of it. I still intend to be in the property market but it is only on a part time basis.

Oh Diary, did I tell you that I was mistaken as a Filipino when I fetched mum the other day? She was late and so I got out of the car to buy something to snack on at 7-11 and while I was sitting at the bench, a lady came up to me and spoke to me in Mandarin. I spoke to her in English and told her I did not understand her as I am not Chinese. And then she apologized and asked me if I am a Filipino. So I told her that I am Malay and she was kind of shock. I did not budge because I get that a lot. And there and then we got into a little conversation about my family history on how I got to look like a Chinese, Filipino, Thai and even a Burmese. I really get that a lot and sometimes I kind of get bored with it.

People only used to mistaken me as Chinese but since the sudden influx of Filipino and Burmese into Singapore, I have been thought to be one of them as well. How times change since I left Singapore five years ago. Anyhow, I think I have grown darker a bit. But, I don't know. I think I have. *Grins*

I have to start writing the affidavit for Hippo tomorrow. Did I tell you she seeks my help to write her an affidavit? She is not engaging a lawyer thus she needs someone with better English than hers to write her an affidavit. I supposed she thinks that my English is better than hers.*Chuckles* I have not even started a page and I really have to do it tomorrow before she needs it.

I have been busy Diary. There are so many things that I have to do. I have always thought that I would have all the time since I work from home but I guess not. On the contrary, I think working from home gives me little time to myself. I can imagine how housewives are feeling now. Many of us would think that housewives have the most time to themselves but I really don’t think so. Time is so hard to come by nowadays.

I might probably be sending out my resume tomorrow Diary. So please wish me luck. I have seen a couple of vacancies posted by property developer and I might give it a go. I will still be in the sales profession and yes, in the property industry but I hope to find something with a basic salary and commission. I will still be an agent on a part time basis. When I have my salary from my full timejob, then I can do a bit of marketing for the real estate. I need money to do everything Diary. Without money, I really cannot make money out of real estate. Dad is retiring end of this year and so that makes it even more stressful.

I got to go already. Talk to you tomorrow ok.

sometimes love just aint enough

The Human Chemical Reactions

Dear Diary,

I was toying with the idea of quitting from property when I received a text message from Flying Babe. I was feeling rather down and spiritually weak. I was texting Olive asking about her progress in the industry and she was also toying with the idea of quitting. Olive is my colleague and we were in the same batch for the CEA class. We passed on the first attempt and graduated together. The only difference among us is I am faster to close my first transaction than she. In fact, she has not closed any transaction yet. She does property part time and perhaps that explains why.

So there I was in the midst of texting Olive feeling a little divided, low and discourage and there she was popping up just like as though she can read my mind. Coincidentally, the text she sent me contained encouraging message not to give up on what I am doing. It is somewhat accurate the situation I am in to receive such message from Flying Babe. As usual I did not reply. I did not know what to say to her. It has been a long time and I guess it has become pretty awkward.

I do think of her sometimes and everytime I recall the time I had spent with her, I felt my heart sinks a little. I spent my time doing my own things nowadays. I have never bothered to know what my heart feels most of the times. If I do feel something in my heart, I will try to ignore it. I have adopted the ‘couldn’t care less’ attitude because if I were to care, it would be very sad. The very person I am in love with is actually hurting my heart. At times I feel that I am being punished for the things that I do not even know what I did. It is confusing and mind boggling.

I am teaching myself to be happy with what I have now Diary. I have not grown out of sadness entirely because everytime I almost grown out of it, someone will always come into my life and I allow her to mess it up for me. I supposed I have to grow a heart of rock or wood someday to replace it with my heart in my chest. I still feel tears streaming down my face occasionally. I wiped the tears away pretending that everything is ok. I supposed humans being pretentious cannot be ignored. Just about tonight in my Facebbok newsfeed, I read someone’s status in Facebook that says,

“You deleted me off your friends’ list….like I care?”

When I read that status message, I was thinking to myself, how would you not care when you know about it and posted status message as such? There must have been some kind of attraction about what happened that you knew a friend of yours has deleted you off. In addition, there must have been some kind of affections it has on you that you have to react by posting comment like that. Do you get what I mean Diary? It happened to me before and I reacted exactly the same way like that only longer because I took it out in my blog. *chuckles* I am the one with the fingers to type remember? *winks*

Well, we are like substances that give reaction when mixed together with other substances. The only difference is the level of reactions we give; mildly or vigorously. My reaction to Flying Babe heartbreaking message a few months ago is mild but probably long lasting. I did not retaliate neither did I accept. I am quiet now which is as good as dumb with her. And I will probably be the same to any other persons who has left such a tremendous effect on me today or tomorrow. For the reason that it is very sad when the very person you believe, anticipate and love left you with a broken heart that is almost beyond repair. Sometimes, love is just not enough.

Jon Secada - "Just another day" with lyrics

Recalling The Good Old Times...

Dear Diary,

I was at Woodsvale condominium yesterday for another of my aunt’s ‘Kenduri Haji’. I have two of my aunts who will go to Mecca this year. Yesterday was a two in one function starting with the ‘Kenduri Haji’ and ended with a birthday party for my nieces. The food was good except that I could not afford to feast all of it. I wish I could because I am feeling a little hungry as I am writing to you now.

My aunt had catered chicken rice and nasi beriyani for the functions. She also has roti kirai with chicken curry which is my favourite thing to eat. There were lots of traditional Malay kueh and if only my stomach is expandable, I would have gorge each and everyone of it. I spent my time chit chatting with my cousins and I met up with Dachshunds. She is an old friend who is the best friend of my cousin sister who somehow has become a family friend of us.

There is a reason why I nicknamed her that. For sure, she does not look like a dog but she is short and has short legs. I remember once my cousin sister told me that when Dachshunds was studying for her driving test, she complained to my cousin sister that she couldn’t reach all the three pedals in the car when she drives because her legs are too short. Even after she had adjusted the seat nearer to the driving wheel, she still couldn’t reach the pedals.

I was the most mischievious among cousin sisters around my age and when I was told of that I couldn’t stop laughing and it had become sort of like a national family joke among us. Being the teenage girls we were, we used to jokingly suggest to her to have a pair of platform shoes specially made for her with thick high heels so that she could reach the pedals easily. It was crazy back then. We would laughed like there was no tomorrow.

I recalled when we went camping in Pulau Ubin, they were lying on the sand trying to sleep and I took some broken tree branch and poke them in their ear and nostrils. I would then laugh my heart out when they tried to shoo me away. They couldn’t stop me and they ended up chasing after me. I was of course happier when they chased me because I knew they couldn’t catch me. I was very fast back then. I was the school sprinter and long distance runner. None of my cousin sisters share my talent but they did catch me after all. That was because I was laughing too hard when they chased me. Looking at them run with angry expressions on their face couldn’t make me focus on my run. It was very hilarious to be running away from people who want to do harm to you while laughing.

Dachshund is very responsive when I teased her. Even till now, she is responsive and teasing her has never been boring. I could never get bored teasing her. I had so much fun yesterday meeting an old friend that is close to the family. She is married now with two kids and her children take after her hair; curly like the curly fries in A&W. Many of them are married now and I am the only one who is still single. I supposed they don’t really know what and how I am. I have never showed signs that I am gay towards them and even if they were to second guess, I wouldn’t think that they would thought I am gay. I prefer it to be like that.

There were games during the party for the children and Kus Semangat, another of my cousin sister became the emcee. Kus Semangat has a talent for hosting. She is as big as a baby bear, with loud strong voice that would rock the whole place with vibration when she shouts. Children are afraid of her voice but she is very adorable actually. The games were boring and I think it lacked excitement. The children were not enthusiastic and the adults were busy chit chatting among themselves while I watched the children. I somehow felt a sense of motherhood watching the children. I don’t know Diary. Perhaps it is just temporary. You know how emotional I can get sometime.

Looking at the children make me miss the woman I am in love with. I wish I could start a family with her but I know it is just a fantasy that will never come true because she merely exists in my dreamland.

Got to go now Diary…

PS: if you see her, let her know I miss her ok…

It Is Friday And Not Saturday...

Dear Diary,

I have mistaken Friday to be a Saturday and I just realized that I was wrong in the afternoon. I woke up at 7 in the morning and got ready to fetch my mum. I heard the alarm went off clearly and I took about 10 minutes to get out of bed. I was tired because I have been going to bed late lately and waking up early in the morning. I forced myself out of the bed and finally left home at half past 7 for mum’s workplace.

I got there at 8 and I thought mum would have waited for me but she did not. Apparently she did not bring her handphone and my text messages to her were all useless. She couldn’t contact me at all and I was left at the carpark waiting for her for almost an hour. After the 7th attempts of calling her she finally picked up the phone and told me she left the phone at home and she was already home now. I was not mad at her instead I just drove back home. I was sleepy and I knew there was no point in getting mad.

I spent my days mostly at home nowadays doing my work. There seem to be so many I have to do. Sometimes I feel that I need to change but I do not know what is it that I need to change. It is just instinct you know. It is like the kind of thing only you know and wish it has been easier.

I met up with Hippo on Friday night and I spent about 1 hour driving her car. It is a manual car and I haven’t driven manuals since the day I got my license. I have totally forgotten how to drive manuals and it was something that I have been thinking to do. I wouldn’t say that I did great but I can say that I still remember the techniques only that I am much less skillful now. I might take up a refresher course soon. Her car has an engine capacity of 1600cc with a small body and it is strong in terms of engine but small in terms of body. Her husband tried to explain to me the theories of driving manuals and he got me somehow lost and I think I was in that ‘blur like a sotong’ state again.

Oh well Diary, who drives manuals nowadays? Driving her car somehow put me in disbelief that I had actually managed to pass without understanding the theory behind how manuals work. Since the day I got my license, I have only driven automatic and that makes me rather ignorant about manuals. You know Diary, the syllabus in Singapore has changed now. Students have the options to learn manuals or automatics. During the time I took mine, I only had one choice which was the manual only. My mother is taking the automatic and so I have to bear in mind if I were to buy a car in Singapore, it has to be automatic.

I have been thinking about my car in Malaysia. I am pretty sure now that I will stop leasing it once the contract has expired in June next year. Mum will probably get her license then and it is good to have a second car. At least she can drive to Tangkak whenever she can without having to use the main car and most importantly, she and dad are not dependent on us anymore to take her to places. I have been thinking to park my car at my aunt’s place in JB but I am not sure about it. You see, my aunt can be such a temperamental woman and it makes me awkward at times. I think I will figure this one out myself.

Rolly Polly has brought to light her intention to lease my car for another year but I really think it is not a good idea. Frankly, my family and I need the car more by next year. Like I said, mum would definitely has gotten her license and believe me, she may want to call my car her own. *Chuckles* I am not sure of mostly everything nowadays. I do not even know if I might be in Singapore or Subang Jaya next year because I have gotten a couple of offers now but I am just uncertain about it all. They are just talks you know, nothing concrete yet therefore I couldn’t say that it is a definite thing to happen. I wish they are something that I can say definite but sadly they are not so I guess I have to wait some more.

If a thing is worth doing it is worth doing well right Diary? If it is so then I supposed it is worth waiting for too…

I got to go Diary…I am sleepy and my heart is missing her so badly. A good sleep is what I need now to heal my missing heart.

I Smacked The Fat London Bitch

Dear Diary,

I have had a rough night with Dark Chocolate last night and it all happened online in Facebook. What happened last night somehow made me think that friends of more than 5 years old in two different countries can have a battle of words and thoughts without having to meet all thanks to the social network online. What else can you do online nowadays Diary? I wonder if someday people can be divorced officially online. Times really have changed.

There is a reason why I created an account with Facebook. I had no social online network registered under my name and I found that Facebook is the only one that catches my attention back then and so I created one. I was recovering from the aftermath of a break up with Flying Babe and honestly Facebooking was my only entertainment then. I played games there, I connected with my long lost friends, I posted comments on friends’ walls and I was and still am being myself in Facebook. I regard it as a home for my online activities other than my blog. Soon, I began to post pictures of myself. I included the address of my blog in my Facebook for my friends’ easy reference to my blog.

I may have an open mind about my Facebook account but I still choose to be very selective with whom I have as friends there and I set my walls, photos and notes to friends only. Even friends of friends are not allowed to view my photos, walls and notes or even my comments. That is how I treasure my privacy and I too respect other people’s privacy just as much as I want and expect people to respect mine. Facebook to me is my online sanctuary where I update myself about the well being of my friends and to exchange news and keeping in touch occasionally.

And while doing all that, I have noticed a common pattern of attitude in Dark Chocolate. She never fails to post bold comment to my pictures which when done too often can be quite boorish and disrespectful. Many a times she would leave comments saying that I am merely a woman who tries too hard to look pretty or who thinks that I am attractive. For whatever her intentions were, I do not know but I do admit that most of her comments for my pictures meant to say that she thinks I am some sort of a narcissistic.

In typical Malay, she would call me ‘minah syiok sendiri’ or ‘perasan’ and there was once she said that I am pathetic for posting many pictures of my own photos in my Facebook account. The latest comment from her took its toll on me and I blasted back at her because I fairly think she needs to be schooled once and for all.

Now Diary, you tell me if it is wrong for me to post my own photos in my own Facebook account. Obviously it is not! But that Big Bottom London Bitch who always talks like ‘perasan bagus nak mampos’ thinks so and she boldly commented on my album saying that

"If most of your album photos are pictures of you, you took yourself trying to look pretty, you need to get your shit together woman! :P"

So there and then I was thinking, wouldn’t it be natural for me to have my albums filled with all pictures of me as the owner of the account? If doing so would lead her to think like that then I supposed every other Facebook account holders would be deem as trying to look pretty or handsome by her if most of their albums in Facebook consisting of only their pictures? Duuhhh….what a stupid statement that was and honestly I am not surprised if it came from her because I have known her to be like that especially towards me and I frankly do not know why.

I simply have had enough of her rotten comments and I merely think she deserves what I gave her. The saddest thing about Dark Chocolate is that, she simply blames the whole drama on me saying that I am uptight and easily provoked failing to look at her big bottom self with buttocks the size of a drum and breast the size of a new-born baby’s head. It was her bad-mannered comment that started all this.

I have posted many of my photos of all kinds and in almost every situation. From my ugly and dirty times when I was up in the mountains to my casual photos at home looking fresh and clean. Regardless if I have braces on my teeth or a zit on my nose, I would still post my photos because it is my Facebook and it is all about confidence. Just because I post many pictures of myself in all the albums that does not mean I am trying hard to look pretty as she had said it. Why did she have to think like that in the first place anyway? I have known her to be someone who is quite reserved about posting her own pictures for reasons that I do not bothered to know. However, when she comes across people who is not shy nor afraid to post pictures of themselves, it does not give her the right to give discouraging and rather rude comments.

I have came across many people who have posted many pictures of themselves in their Facebook, but I simply let myself enjoy looking at their pictures admiring their guts and confidence regardless they look good or vice versa. Even if their intention was to let the whole of Facebook community know how good looking they are, what right have I got to stop them or to throw rude provoking remarks at them? My only conclusion and understanding is when people throw such comments at other people, they are merely hiding from their own shadow. Dark Chocolate probably has her own reasons for being reserved in sharing her pictures on Facebook but I do see some of her pictures which to me are pictures she posted because she thinks she looks good in them. As an adult and a human, reading between the lines and pictures, I know but I have never left disrespectful comments at her Facebook which I know if I did, the comments would have embarrassed her. But it keeps me wondering why does she like to do so towards me.

Perhaps it is just her because I remember once when I had a new girlfriend, she asked if my girlfriend speaks English or not which I somehow feel that she was merely belittling my girlfriend. I could be wrong but I really couldn’t make up the reason why she asked me such question about the person I date. Does it matter to her anyway?

So maybe it is just her attitude but honestly Diary, I gave her what she deserved and that was only a fraction of it. I couldn’t be bothered with her anymore. I have probably got turned off by her dim-witted and unintelligent thoughtless comments. For whatever reason, she took out all her comments this morning leaving not a single trace. Even Hippo had to leave comment for her. I have known Hippo and she is not the kind to interfere in other people's business unless she thinks it is too much. I guess Dark Chocolate is simply plain stupid and I hope she realized that she has crossed the line with me.

It is not like I cannot take comments like that but when it happened too frequently from the same person you can get very annoyed and snap. I supposed that is what happened to me. All these while, I tried to tolerate her comments that made me feel a little embarrassed. Even the photos I posted in my Facebook that I took  in some petrol station can be an issue with her. So you see what I mean Diary? She is a truly natural fat bottom bitch. I took it positively and just played along with the comments but this time round, she ticked me and I just had to retaliate.

I truthfully cannot stop wondering what if I were to put photos of my dad or my mum or brother in most of my albums, would she think that I took my dad and my brother to look handsome and my mum to look pretty? But even so, wouldn’t I have all rights to do so as it is my Facebook account and if I do not post pictures of myself and my closed ones, whose photos would I post? Oh Diary, some people can be so ignorant and it is pathetically just so sad.

Ramli Sarip - Perjalanan Hidup *Original Audio

Untuk Kedua Quran Buruk Aku

Hello Diary,

Sudah lama tergerak di dalam hatiku untuk menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu kepada engkau. Saban hari aku menunggu masa untuk menulis tetapi ada sahaja kerja yang harus aku buat dahulu dan apabila habis kerja aku, aku pula sudah penat dan ngantuk untuk menulis. Maaf Diary, aku sekarang ini sungguh sibuk sekali menjalankan tugas harian. Maklumlah bila berkerja tanpa gaji, aku harus penuh discipline malakukan kerja kerja yang patut aku buat. Jika aku tidak mendisiplinkan diri, alamatnya aku tidak makan sampai bila bila.

Inilah dia akibatnya memilih kerja yang membayar 100% gaji di dalam bentuk commission. Aku tidak menyesal malah aku suka sebab selalunya kerja yang berlandaskan bayaran begini selalunya memberi peluang kepada penerima untuk mempunyai income yang lucrative. Tetapi apa apa pun, yang menerima itu harus rajin dan membuat kerja dengan penuh dedikasi.

Sudah banyak aku belajar dari masa masa yang aku habiskan membuat kerja ini. Hasil yang betul betul lumayan belum lagi aku merasai tetapi aku boleh membayangkan bahawa tidak mustahil untuk aku sampai ke tahap itu. Cuma bezanya, waktu yang akan menentukan dan juga usaha yang aku berikan. Banyak aku pelari daripada kerja ini. Walaupun mungkin belum hasil dari segi wang ringgit yang aku rasa, tapi dari segi pengalaman dan peri kemanusiaan…aku rasa, sudah cukup untuk mendewasakan aku sebagai sorang anak, kawan, adik dan juga manusia.

Begitu banyak yang aku pelajari daripada menjual rumah sendiri sampai membeli rumah sendiri. Cara-caranya, selok-beloknya dan yang paling penting sekali, belajar memahami keadaan si pembeli. Tugas aku bukan hanya memahami keadaan wang ringgit si pembeli malah memahami keadaan emotional dan mental si pembeli. Maksudnya aku harus menjadi pendengar kepada pembeli dan meletak kan diri aku ke dalam kasutnya jikalau boleh. Wahh Diary, paham tak engkau bila aku bercakap macam ni. Dalam bahasa English, maksudnya, “To put myself in his shoes”. Aduhai Diary, kalau tak paham pun, kau buat buat lah paham ok. Aku tiada masa nak perahkan kepala otak aku untuk menulis dengan penuh kefahaman bahasa. Kadang kala aku sendiri pun tak paham apa yang aku tulis kerana penyampaian aku berbeza dengan apa yang betul betul aku ingin sampaikan.

Selama aku menjadi agent kepada abangku, aku sungguh terharu dengan keadaan yang aku lihat dari hari ke hari. Ada perkara perkara yang aku sendiri tidak mampu untuk berkata di sini tetapi aku bagaikan sedar bahawa betapa pentingnya peranan ibu bapaku di dalam hidup kami adik beradik. Tidak dapat aku bayangkan jikalau pada saat saat ini aku kehilangan mereka kerana aku tahu kami masih memerlukan kedua orang tua kami untuk menjalani kehidupan harian. Pengorbanan mereka kepada kami seperti air sungai yang mengalir tiada henti.

Ada masanya aku terduduk diam mengenangkan hidupku tanpa ibu bapaku dan aku tidak tahu bagaimana keadaan aku tanpa mereka. Aku tahu suatu hari nanti pasti akan datang masa itu tapi tidak mahu aku bayangkan dahulu. Kehilangan mereka pasti akan meninggalkan kesan yang amat mendalam kepadaku.

Diary, kadang kala aku bertanya pada diri sendiri sempat atau tidak aku boleh membahagiakan mereka. Kesilapan aku yang lalu membuat aku begitu insaf. Tidak mahu aku ulangi lagi. Aku sedar di mana silap aku tapi itu mungkin sudah takdir di dalam perjalanan hidup aku untuk lebih mendewasakan aku. Aku selalu berkata kata bahawa, orang yang tua tidak semestinya dewasa dan orang yang dewasa tu tidak semestinya tua. Pandai jugak aku berfalsafah. Hamper basah screen laptop aku penuh dengan air liur aku akibat aku tersembuh ketawa.

Kesimpulannya Diary, tiap kali aku sembahyang, aku akan memanjatkan doa untuk kedua orang tuaku agar mereka dipanjangkan umur untuk memberi peluang kepada aku, anaknya untuk memberikan mereka sedikit kesenangan, kebahagian dan kemewahan untuk mereka menjalani sisa sisa hidup mereka. Pada aku kedua orang tuaku adalah seperti Quran buruk yang akan berhabuk jikalau ditinggalkan begitu lama di atas almari, hendak dibuang tidak boleh, maka aku harus selalu membacanya atau menjaganya supaya ianya tidak berhabuk walaupun ditinggalkan begitu sahaja.

Ibu bapaku adalah dua insan yang akan membuatku terpaku layu jikalau aku kehilangan mereka. Kemungkinnan besar aku tidak boleh membandingkan kehilangan mereka seperti mana aku kehilangan Flying Babe ataupun Infinity ataupun Beautiful yang sekarang ini menjadi pujaan hatiku walaupun aku tidak boleh memiliki dia sepenuhnya.

Wahai Diary, berdoalah untuk ku supaya aku berpeluang membahagiakan mereka. Mungkin aku masih menyimpan hasrat untuk berpindah semula ke subang jaya dan memiliki restaurant di sana. Mungkin aku masih menyimpan hajat untuk menjadi saudagar restaurant berantai di Malaysia terutama sekali di Kuala Lumpur…HAHAHAHA…tapi…untuk kedua orang tuaku…aku sanggup berkorban demi kemahuan mereka. Tapi, aku rasakan yang aku tidak perlu berkorban seperti itu sebab orang tua ku adalah sepasang ibu bapa yang sangat supportive dengan anak anak mereka. Lagipun, mereka akan retire di Tangkak nanti dan akan duduk jugak di Malaysia. Yahooo….baliklah juga aku ke subang jaya nanti…eheh…

Oklah Diary…apa pun yang kita buat, niat di hati mesti betul dan jujur dan bila berjaya nanti ikutlah resmi padi, makin menunduk bila berhasil. Aku tidak akan mengikut resmi ayam yang riuh sekampung bila bertelur sebiji. InsyaAllah resmi padi yang akan aku amalkan bersama doa restu kedua Quran burukku. Amin…

My Hopes And Wish

Dear Diary,

I spent half of my Saturday at my auntie’s house attending her ‘Kenduri Haji’ event. Her husband and she are going to the holy land of Mecca and it is only natural for them to carry out such event. That is the thing about the Malay society. We always hold gatherings for families and closed friends when we have something to be thankful and grateful about. It is sort of like asking for blessings and a time to seek for forgiveness from the people we are very fond of before departing.

I have friends whose families passed on in Mecca when they perform the pilgrimage and I supposed it is very crucial to hold such gatherings to seek for blessings and forgiveness because we will never know what is going to happen there. Attending the function brings me back to the time when my parents left for Mecca. I think it was 10 years ago when my parents went there. Watching my parents left for Mecca, I honestly did not feel sad and I did not cry when I said goodbye to them at the airport.

I was more curious about what was going to happen at home without my parents because we have never really been separated long as a family. We always live under the same roof and the separation only begins after they came back. That’s when my eldest brother left for United Kingdom to further his study, my second brother died and I left home for Subang Jaya and lived there for 5 years. After my second brother died, dad went to Mecca again to perform the pilgrimage on behalf of my late brother.

Many of us moved on after that although I knew how each and one of us would love to be united again as one complete family. My family has not expanded in numbers since then but I know we are always united at heart. Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat came into the family and they made it merrier as we have something more to talk about at home. Although they are not as good as humans but having their company is enough to make home feel more like home.

I watched my cousin brothers and sisters got married and how their family tree grows bigger as the years go by. I have got cousin nieces and nephews but I still have not got one of my own. At times I do wonder if my family is ever going to grow. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the future but marriage is really not in my agenda and so that means I might never be able to have my own offspring.

I cannot deny that I have never wondered what my children from my own womb would look like if I ever have any or how they would have been in terms of characteristics. It is something that I can never stop asking and never could have got the answers because I know what I am. I am always fond of children. Perhaps I am not being too confident to say that I might be the favourite auntie among the cousin nieces and nephews I have. When I am with them, I play with them like as though I am at their age. They even fought with each other just to be able to hold my hands.

Watching them fought, I paused and ponder at how I might be towards my own children, my own flesh and blood. Will I be as playful as I am with the cousin nieces and nephews or will I be the strict disciplinarian? I do not know Diary. It is something that I have to admit I am dying to know and the only way for me to find out is to have children that I have to carry in my womb for nine months and nine days.

Oh no Diary, I am not thinking of marriage but it is just what I want to talk about to you this time. I guess I will never have the answer. Looking at me now, I guess I will remain what I am regardless if I have somebody to love or not. My heart goes out to my parents and I wish I could let them know what I am and how sorry I am for being what I am

I have seen them enough to know that they are longing to have grandchildren they can call their own. I have witnessed the looks in their faces, how their eyes sparkle when they carry babies in their arms. I tried to ignore the fact but I cannot lie to myself. I wish it would have been easier to open up and it may be crazy and madness but I do wish and hope that being a lesbian is a natural thing accepted in society. I have never really understood human nature unless I know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back.

Diary, I do not asked to be like this. If I could be normal without having to think deep inside my heart that I am different, I would. But then again just because I am different that does not mean I am not the same. That does not mean that I do not share the same hopes and wishes a straight woman would have; to walk down the aisle to enter into the marriage institution, to love my wife unconditionally and to have children I can bear my own because I always believe that a happy and holy fashion is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow.

Prep Talks With Pepper and Salt

Dear Diary,

I have exhausted my time revising my database system and cracking my head on the marketing methods that I must use to promote my service. I have been chatting a lot with Mother Softie and just about yesterday we were talking about the marketing methods available to promote her company products and then it struck me that I could use some of the marketing methods we discussed for my service. I supposed this is what it means when people say ideas can be adapted from living our lives everyday.

I have done a lot for the past few days to enhance my work habits. I have organized my email systems and sent out many emails to prospective clients. I have received 3 replies and I can tell that it is kind of encouraging. I have linked my database system with my email so I can synchronize them whenever I do my work. I have started my research on writing a good business proposal and I have updated my blog with my entries way back in 2004. I have about 100 entries in 2004 that have yet to be transferred here.

How much I have written and how long I have been writing my blog, I was just thinking about it yesterday. The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions however I need to write more in Malay because many of my friends say that my written Malay sounds funny. I am not quite sure what they mean when they say that. Well, I doubt them because I know I was the best Malay student in my primary school who scored the highest in Malay in the Primary School Leaving Examination. But then again, that is when I was 12 years old. *Chuckles*

I haven’t written in Malay for so long since then. I have to admit that I feel kind of offended and pissed when I am told that my written Malay sucks because I know I used to be good at it and how much I have lost my skills and most amazingly, my touch. Damn Diary! Screw me! It is funny how nowadays whenever I try to write in Malay, I will tend to write it with a little bit of Indonesian influence. Conceivably it is the kind of Malay books that I read nowadays. I am on Andrea Hirata currently and I can say that he has a big inspiration on me and my writing habits in Malay has begun to sound a little or perhaps a fraction like his. I have read somewhere that writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.

Oh well Diary, there are many things that I am up to nowadays. My heart is more relax now and I am calmer in terms of controlling my emotions. Yes, I am still broke but I am not skin. I have about $7k in commission waiting for me in mid December and I have about $400 in commission waiting for me in mid October. That is the thing about working as an agent. You have money but the money is way ahead than where you are at the moment because sales of homes transactions take about 3 months to complete for HDB and about 1-2 months to complete for private properties.

I am trying hard to get a client and thus all the marketing techniques that I am applying in my crusade to find a client. I am still praying and I am still hoping. I have so many dreams for myself, my parents, my family and my love. Friends have came up to me and told me about their career plans and love lives while I sat down in front of my laptop reading every details they told me. I kind of feel challenged but I know I am not jealous because I know, there will always be light for me at the end of the tunnel.

I am rebuilding my life from scratch and I know someday I will get to where I want to. I know that. Confident I maybe but I am talking from experience. Or perchance I am just being an optimist now. It doesn't hurt to be optimistic. You can always cry later. I always get what I want no matter how long it takes or how difficult it is. I have known myself for 33 years and I know there is a monster in me that is merely hiding. She needs some kind of awakening to show herself with a vengeance. Oh Diary, am I boasting now? I do not think so. I think it is just a prep talk to motivate myself because everybody needs a prep talk once a while.

I love the friends that I have now. Quantity is nothing without quality. When I speak, they listen to me and when I write they read me. That makes me feel contented to fill my paper with the breathings of my heart. It is naturally beautiful, this life I have. I am blessed.

I love you Diary and I miss my Beautiful one.

Martika - I Feel The Earth Move

Martika - Toy Soldiers

This Aint A Love Song - Official Video - Scouting For Girls

Patient I Will Be....

Dear Diary,

I am tired mentally and I think I have come to a point where I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I have an idea of the things that I like to do but I woke up today feeling very demotivated about almost everything in my life now. I am not in the brink of giving up the things I want to achieve but I think I am at a phase where I merely get tired of things.

I just got back from a one day cruise trip and I think I should be happy about it but I am not. The cruise was ok and comparing it with the amount of money I had to pay I would say that it is way too cheap even though there were many things I can complain about. The trip somehow made me feel a little busy but tired.

How are you Diary? I miss you and all the people that I love and have once loved. Life has been fair to me but I probably have not really got what I want and perhaps that makes me a little lost. I feel that I am missing a lot of things. I am not feeling energetic about life anymore. The desire to get what I want is slowly diminishing. This is just temporary but I am not sure how long it will last.

I miss Subang Jaya and all the things I had there. At times I wish I could just switch off my memory about Subang Jaya so I could focus more on what I have currently. I know if I were there, I would be a happier person even though I am single because that is where I want to be living my life. This is not about being single and not having a girlfriend but this is more about being where I want to be.

I can achieve that I know but I have to be patient and I don’t know how much patience I have in me. There are many things I have to do to go back there again and it takes more than just patience. I have prayed like I have never before and I have tried to make it work but I am not seeing the results yet and I supposed that makes me a little fed up. Changes require time to happen and I am aware that I need to give myself time. Just as much as how time can be a great healer to the broken hearted it can also bring happiness to the one who wait. People say good things come to the people who wait.

I am worn out Diary. And I wish you are real so I could just hang out with you and speak my mind freely. I am down with fever and with a heart that is at war with my own desires it makes things even worse than they already are. My parents are happy that I am back living under one roof with them but I know deep down inside my heart, I have never been sad like this before. I want to make them happy but at the same time I want to be happy myself.

It all boils down to one word now; sacrifice. I supposed I have to sacrifice my desires for the sake of my parents. I have been missing a lot and I have only realized about it when I came back. How much I can do for them over here just to put smiles on their faces. Cooking them a simple dinner is enough to make them happy let alone help out with the household chores. I love my parents so much and I think I will teach myself to love where I am right now.

I can wait for my own happiness to come. I have given myself some time before making the move back to Subang Jaya and I think living with my parents in Singapore until the day they retire is the best thing I can do for them. To love is to sacrifice and to do it for my parents' sake is a thing worth doing.

Until the day when I finally make my move again...patient I will be. What is there left to be Diary?

Good night Diary, good night my Beautiful love.

Waiting For The Right Environment

Dear Diary,

There are a lot of things that I feel I want to write. There are too many of them until I do not know where to begin. I keep thinking of my life when I was in Subang Jaya and how I miss it so much. I am still struggling to make ends meet and I am not sure if I am ever going to make it. I have been procrastinating a lot and I know I have to discipline myself to achieve what I want in two years time.

I have completed the sell and buy transaction for my family and I am now at ease since we are guaranteed to have a house to stay once we have moved out of this house. I have been worrying that we cannot find a house that suits our needs because my brother has been very indecisive and he seemed not to be able to make up his mind. I have to admit that I sometimes lost my temper at the way he has behaved with the house viewings. He made an offer at almost every house he viewed and I cannot second guess which one he is most interested in.

There are many things that I have learnt from my transactions and it makes me more alert and resourceful. I have done my homework and I have gotten to know lots of things. I have learnt the tricks and trade and I have equipped myself with the things I need to know first before I go prospecting. The rules and regulations that HDB has set made me become more sensitive towards people. I have realized how crucial it is for agents to play a part in a family’s life before we help them decide to sell or buy their house. This is when your professionalism comes into play because as much as we need the commission from the sale of their house, we must also consider their plight before we tell them to sell or not.

There are many cases where people do not have a house to live after they sold their house because agents did not advise them comprehensively of the things they need to know and do before making the decision. These people end up in beaches where they live in tents. It is a pity and disappointing to know that there are cases like this happening in Singapore.

I supposed it is because of this that the Singapore government had to intervene with how real estate salespersons work. New regulations have been implemented on the real estate industry and agents have to meet so many criteria before they are able to practice as an agent. I have what it needs to be one and I fulfilled the criteria, only that I have not been actively closing deals. Well, I know I have not been aggressive enough.

I am not panicking Diary neither I am belittling my abilities. I know what I can do and how much I can achieve if I am just being myself. Look at my situations now Diary. My room is as good as a big storage space. I do not even have a work desk. I can say that my room does not give me a condusive environment to work. Regardless what the situation is, I cannot make them as an excuse but let us check into reality for awhile. I am in the midst of moving out of this house and the new owner will need to use my room after the completion of the sale because they also need to move out of the house. We have made an agreement about that so it means, I have to clear all the things in my room for them. So, where am I supposed to sleep? You tell me Diary.

So you see there are many things I have to do. The paperworks, the cleaning, the packing, the moving, the unpacking, the organizing, the facilitating and many more and I do not even have a proper working place.

Oh well, by the way I have closed another room rental. So what does that mean? I am progressing Diary, I am. It is just that for the time being, I am rather taking my own time to be aggressive. I will be there I know, I just want to wait till I have a proper working place to work and for the time being I will keep doing what I have to do to get there. This is just the trial and error you know…it is not the end.

Unwinding My Thoughts About Her

Dear Diary,

I spent my weekend in Tangkak and it was a little bit relaxed than any other trip I had. Firstly I did not have to do the gardening as we have employed a part time gardener. It has been 3 months since we last came and the bushes and the grass were as thick as the Amazon. Mum and dad had given up a long time ago to do the pruning and trimming while I simply couldn’t be bothered. I hate the idea of having to sweat and hang out under the sun to make the landscape looks nicer everytime I come back. I simply want to spend my time relaxing and unwind. Come on Diary, who wants to get all sweaty and dirty doing gardening at your holiday house?

I have always been upset at the thought that I couldn’t rest whenever I come back. Having a landed holiday house I supposed leave you little or no time at all to enjoy the house if you only come back once in every two months, especially a house with landscape. The landscape is not that really big but looking at the frequency of us coming back, it can be quite a handful to handle. Frankly, I have gotten quite bored with the routine. We never failed to clean the house from the mess of having birds nest on our door grilles, and the waste they left behind. The grass and the trees grow freely and trimming them is a must otherwise it can be quite an eyesore.

After checking around the house and explaining to the gardener we just hired, I decided to take my shower and little did I know that the water supply had been cut because we missed paying the bill. Oh Diary, can you imagine what did I get myself into? There and then I put back my clothes back on and went out to tell my dad. There were so many commotions and long story made short, dad being the handyman in the family, fixed the problem and I managed to have my shower.

We stayed in Tangkak for about 3 days and I can say that the trip this time is well spent. I managed to start on my business proposal and enjoy the house watching DVD. I even manage to relax and unwind myself. I vacuumed and I mopped the house and believe me Diary, I felt like I had run 200 meters after that. The sweat that came down my forehead is just unbelievable.

I have to admit that during the time I was there, I felt like I wanted to text Beautiful and tell her that I have been missing her. The household chores kept me busy a little and in a way distracted me from thinking of her but really, it did not last long. The power of love as people say is stronger than any other forces on earth. I am not quite sure of love anymore nowadays. Perhaps I have found a woman that I like but I know I couldn’t have her. It is just a dream and fantasy that I can never bring to life. The more I fight it the more it grows stronger.

At times I just wish that I could just walk with her down the beach strolling hands in hands. We have spent less time ‘talking’ for the past few weeks but that does not stop myself from thinking about her. The less time we spend together, the more I miss her. I am not shy to tell her that I miss her everyday. I do not feel ashamed to let her know that I have been thinking about her because I know, if I can never hold her hands or look at her in the eyes, then the least I can do is to be honest about how I feel towards her.

[HD] Glee - Halo/Walking on Sunshine (live at Gibson Amphitheater 5/22)

Naya and Dianna...wow...

Sexily inviting...

[HD] Glee - True Colors (live at Gibson Amphitheater 5/22

Love Does Not Only Denote Sacrifices

Dear Diary,

I woke up at 6 in the morning today and I sent my mum to work. Eversince I came back, it has been my duty to send mum to work whenever she is in the morning shift. I do it willingly and I have never complained. Looking back, having to wake up in that hour in the morning is nothing compared to all the sacrifices she has made for me all my live. Nothing I do can ever repay what she has done for me and the family. Yes, I may nickname her ‘The Dragon’ and I may have been unhappy with the way she handles things but she is afterall my mum. She is the woman who carried me for nine months and nine days in her womb, who never once complained. I love my mother you know and I guess she will always be the woman I will always love besides the other women I have been involved in my life.

Reminiscing at all the other women, I never really can tell if I have ever loved them with all my heart. It was so easy for me you know. Just about yesterday, I chatted with an old friend. Reading between the lines, I can tell that she has always thought that I am some kind of a playgirl or something. And another old friend also passed me comment like that. I cannot help myself but to wonder how true it is.

I got a bit offended at times with all those comments. Sometimes I wish I could just take a hammer and smashed their heads so hard that they die instantly. I have never thought myself like that. All I did was to meet many wrong people before I met the right one. This is love we are talking about. How am I supposed to know that the love I thought in the air is the right one for me? Perhaps I can feel love but I cannot recognize the right love for me. Maybe I made girls become my girlfriends too easily and leave them too quickly. You tell me Diary. I know I still have left a few soft spot for a few of them but I cannot deny how I am and what I am like when it comes to love.

I have left everyone of them behind me now. There is not a single one left anymore. The only woman left in my life is my mother and I know my love for her is an everlasting one. I spent this afternoon with her running errands for the family. What we did this afternoon totally woke me up at how much sacrifices a mother would do to save her family. She stretched her means to the extent that I feel so ashamed of myself. If I ever have a family of my own one day, I shall do the same for them. And if I ever find love in a woman, I would like to feel that way first before I want to make her mine. I supposed love always come with sacrifices.

It is said that if you can live without someone then she is not the right person but if you cannot live without someone, then she is the right person. It is still subjective however. When I broke up with Infinity, yes I felt like a lost puppy and I did not know how to live my life. My life was haywire and I was a total mess. Yeah, perhaps she was the right one for me because at that time, I felt I couldn't live without her. Well, logically speaking, who wouldn't think of that after living together for more than 2 years? It was always tough at the beginning but everybody will get through it someday. It is just a matter of time.

I believe getting over someone is easier than forgetting someone. It always takes a lifetime to forget the people we have adored whom we met in our life journeys. People come and go for reasons and there are explanations why we cannot have the woman we have thought is the one. I have not learnt my lesson but I have learnt that I simply cannot recognize the right love for me. Love is a gamble and it does not matter whether we lose or win because love is here on earth to teach us about accepting a person’s characteristics sincerely. As much as we love the strengths of the person we love, we must also love their weaknesses as well. I have realized that I still have not been able to do that after all these years. That reason probably contributes to the number of girlfriends I have had. Love does not mean sacrifices alone, but love also means embracing the person we love as a whole.

I have yet to learn about it and I have promised myself that until I learnt to embrace a person I love as a whole, only then I can be truly in love.

Good night Diary. Good night my love.

Brother Beyond - When Will I See You Again

Love Right...

Dear Diary,

I have been so busy with work that I have forgotten about the miseries I thought I have. I am not sure if those miseries ever exist in my life because the busier I got, the more I think my life is blessed. Perhaps I do have some things that I would consider them to be my miseries but what can I do and what can I say? This is life. At times when you think things are going to be okay, there will always be things that make it not okay. And there you go again, trying to coach yourself and your heart to get right back on to the track to recovery again. I wish I never had made the decision to put my heart in jeopardy once more because it can be unbearable to handle.

I hope I could stop talking about the heartaches of my heart because I am beginning to feel that I have never been happy emotionally since I came back to Singapore. I have lost lots of weight and everybody I met threw comments at me how thin I have become. I want to be thin, but I want to be happily thin. I have not noticed if I have eaten lesser than usual but I have to admit that I have grown thin. It could be the stress from work, the heartaches from failed relationships and the burden of having to hold my long for the person I have loved dearly.

It is difficult to yearn for someone when you know she is forever gone. I try so hard to take her name out of my mind but it has been proven that forgetting someone really takes a lifetime to do. I probably will remember her until I closed my eyes for good.

I am never a girlfriend material kind of person because I can be so sensitive at the slightest things. I cannot change myself and I cannot turn my heart into stone cold. I am just someone who is difficult to be loved. I should be a happy person today because I managed to find a house for my client and yes, I have closed another deal. I have always thought that I would be happy if I have made some successful transactions but no, I was wrong.

Love plays a part in everyone’s life. Love is like a drug that feeds a person’s soul. If you think you are in love but you cannot get anything out of it, leave that love and move on because as much as you need love in your life, you also deserve to be treated right when the vow is made. One thing I have learnt is to be in love with the right person because it can save lots of heartaches.

Elton John - Sacrifice lyrics

Beautiful Love...

Dear Diary,

How many days has it been? I have so much to write but time was not on my side. How are you my loyal friend? Have you been good? I have and I have been busy as well. I am not busy every minute but I have been busy than before. I have arranged many viewing appointments for my client and I have spent most of my time learning the trade and the art of negotiation. I am still not very good at it but I can feel that I am becoming aggressive a little. I have started to kick off the laid back attitude I used to have towards my job. There is a house that he likes and he has made an offer, I am now waiting for the owner’s agreement.

This evening on TV there was news about the funeral of Singapore Minister Mentor’s wife. I watched the news and heard the farewell speech given by her children and the Minister mentor himself. I kind of felt sorry for him and his family for having to lose someone so dear in their life. She had been in a coma for 2 years before she passed away on Saturday and today is her funeral. Many Singaporeans waited by the roadside where they will take her body for the cremation.

As I watched the news, I recalled how love has touched my life in many ways. I miss love so much but I am also afraid of it. There is a part of me that wish I have got a woman that I can call my Nur Kasih but there is also a part of me that wish I could have a heart of stone so I could be oblivious to love. I may not have been through a lot compared to other unfortunate people but I know I have had my fair share of happiness and disappointments in love.

I am afraid of the pain that I will be feeling again when love leaves me. Sometimes I do hope that if I ever find love in the path that I am walking, it would be an eternal and everlasting love so I can carry it with me even when I pass. I am alone now Diary but I know I am not alone spiritually. I love someone and even though it is just spiritual, I can feel the love inside me blossoming as day goes by. I feel it in the wind. I can see it through the rays of sun that shines through my bedroom window every morning when I wake up.

I miss her everyday since she came into my life. I don’t know how long it will last but I am cherishing every moments I have with her. It is crazy, this kind of love I have for her but I am not even ashamed to let you know about it because I know my feelings for her are genuine. Is it fantasy Diary? Perhaps it is although I know I cannot bring it to life. I have begun to open my heart and I am beginning to feel a little scared.

I hope and I pray but I don’t know if she just happened to be in my life temporarily and am I bound to lose her. It makes me wonder and the question just lingers in my mind. I feel a sudden weight in my heart whenever I think of it and I asked myself if I would be ready when the day comes when the love between us walks out of the door.

I have never managed to comprehend what love really is. All I know is it makes the world in a person’s life spins faster than usual. Most importantly, I feel that at least I have someone I can tell my stories to, share my predicaments and understands me emotionally and spiritually. It is still love even though it does not exist in physical form. I may not be able to hold her hands, touch her face or give her a goodnight and morning kiss but her existence in my life soothes my emotions and heals my soul.

I am living my life day by day nowadays. I teach myself to be happy about everything in my life. I also teach myself to let go when I have to and embrace when I must so I will live my life like how I should and just be contented about it because the hardest-learned lesson: that she has only her kind of love to give, not my kind.