Now I Know

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Now I Know

Dear Diary,

Spending this weekend in Tangkak with my little niece tells me why some people refuse to have children. I guess I am not cut to be a mother and I think I will remain like this forever. As long as I am happy, right?

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Dear God,
I believe in You.
I believe in the identity I am blessed with.
I believe You know how I have fought hard.
All my life every step of the way
there wasn't a single day in my life
I am unconscious of this inner battle.
I have been my own warrior, fighting , choosing to fight
only to discover, I am my own enemy.
I fought against myself
and tried not to be her
but above all, I believe.
I acknowledge this choice to be mine
perhaps, my preference would be witnessed
as a weakness or a disease
but I have come to the conclusion,
I can no longer make this life livable
unless I come to terms with her.
You know how hard I have fought.
I know a few words to express them.
My vocabulary is as limited as my knowledge of
Your identity. But I know You hear me when I pray.
I know You grew with me every step
every inch of the way.
I have hoped, I will not regret
this decision I have made.
I tried and persevered - I lost.
Indeed defeat I must accept,
readily do so but will not come to a stage
where I must fight only to find
in the end to emerge as a winner,
is to end Your precious gift; life itself.
Everybody said people like me live in a closet
to a certain degree it's true, but not alone.
I have You, I know that, I believe that.
I never thought, I am alone in this fight.
There was You, one who understands
the closet I am living in is not small.
Your forgiveness is imperative
for all the indulgences I partake in my future.
Should You fail to find in Your faith to forgive me,
then I fully understand.
Perhaps I have failed you,
indeed somehow you stopped
loving me the way I believed you.
I hold myself to blame, I am the guilty one.
If you cannot love me still, I won't hate you.
I realised my decision has made me unworthy
of a love as almighty as yours.
Perhaps I am weak,
I would rather admit defeat than die
for dying would be an insult to You.
I now admit to You,
myself and all the love on earth
I am gay...

FaikaNur - Dear Diary

I Am Sensitive

The Other Side of Me

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Now I Know

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