The News on New Year's Eve

Dear Diary,

Today is the last day of 2017. I wrote down the list of things to do daily and pinned it up in my bedroom as a reminder for me to be more discipline. It is just something that I know everybody must have. Successful people have this habit of writing their goals and dreams. I want to be successful too so I am following their habits.

I am all pumped and excited to welcome 2018 when I received a series of messages from Flying Babe. I knew I have this unspoken bond with her. A few days ago I have asked her if we could meet in Sabah as I have a ticket there. She answered me but it was not as I expected. I do not know how to describe it but it gave me some signal that some things are not right. My instinct still dominates.

She has been seeing somebody and it is a man. It started out as a casual friendship and then this man wants to be serious with her. He proposed to her and suggested to her to go for the marriage course which is compulsory if one wants to get married. She has not come to a decision yet. She is in a dilemma and she tells me because she does not want to feel guilty of giving me hope.

I was home alone. I read her messages and I paused for a while thinking. Honestly, I did not know how to react and I did not know what to say. I was confused. I wondered. I am not sure if I will ever find another love for other women like her again. We chatted for awhile. Emotions overcame me a little but I took control of it. I did not let myself engulfed in a state of sorry and anger. It has happened before two years ago and I felt the same kind of pain all over again. Somehow, I felt sorry for myself. I ponder at the idea of ever having someone to grow old with.

The conversation I had with her was neutral. I did not push her away. I did not blame her. It was more of a questions and answers session. It was about how we felt towards each other. For the first time in seven years, I finally admitted my feelings. I confessed to my plan two years ago before we stopped talking to each other. I had to let her know because I think she must know. I did not want to influence her I simply thought she should know.

If you ask me how I feel now. I have no answer for it. I have told you before I do not have any expectations anymore when it comes to love. I have stopped chasing people because it really hurt so much. At the end of the day, I am the one who has to wipe these tears. I am the one who has to learn how to heal and fix my broken heart. It can be too much for me to handle. It is painful Diary. Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. I am ready for anything and if it means that I have to lose her to a man, then I will accept it like a man.  The final comfort that is small, but not cold:  The heart is the only broken instrument that works. Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.

It is different this time because if she does not choose me then I might have to let her go permanently. Knowing she will get married soon to a man is not easy because it is real. An official marriage between a man and a woman is binding and it takes serious marital problems to break it. I did not ask about the man. I did not want to. He has the upper hand because he can be there for her no matter what. I can’t. I am just someone who is far and away who can only love from a distance. I know my chances are slim but I took my chances anyway. If I fail this time, at least I know I have failed with dignity. And if I fail, I know it is time for me to move on and move forward for real. I cannot turn back. I have to leave all memories and all feelings behind as I can never plan my future by the past. We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there. 

If you hear this message
      Wherever you stand
      I'm calling every woman
      Calling every man
We're the generation
      We can't afford to wait
      The future started yesterday
      And we're already late

Love from a distance, 

Me

I Spoke to Flying Babe

Dear Diary,

I haven’t told you yet about Flying Babe, have I?  Oh, wait, yes I have. We are on talking terms now and I am happy about it. We have talked for some time and I have learnt that she is finding a new job that suits her because she is sick and tired of flying. I can understand that. She flies from the wee hour in the morning and up to late at night. I supposed it has taken a toll on her. She is no longer with Air Asia X so she does not do long distance flights anymore. That’s what she chose as she told me she finds it easier this way and still, she can earn equally the same flying Air Asia X.

I sympathise with her predicaments and now I can see why she is always sleeping and feeling sleepy. She has put on weight, a lot of weight but I still feel the same about her. I guess when you have a soft spot for someone size does not really matter, does it? She has to lose some weight by a certain date otherwise she will have to stop working on the aircraft instead she has to work on the ground. I did not know Air Asia can be that strict. I suppose Singapore Airlines is like that too as I know these two airlines pay particular attention to the outlooks of their crews. Tell me about the crews working onboard Air Asia and Singapore Airlines, they are all so damn pretty. Drop dead gorgeous I would say.

She has given me a lot of her photos. From the time she was thin to the time she put on weight. I still keep all of them on my phone. I have plenty of her pictures now. I did not give her many of my photos as I do not have many selfies. I hate selfies. I simply do not believe in selfies. But perhaps, if we become close again, I think I will pick up the habit. I wonder who took her pictures when she travels. I often ask myself if she is seeing anybody. Yes, I ask myself when I know I will not know the answer. I don’t want to ask her as I know we are not supposed to ask questions to the answers we do not want to hear. But I think she is not seeing someone. It is just a wild guess I make up just to please myself.

There are many questions I want to ask her. Too many, I do not think she will have the time to answer. I want to ask her about the girl she made her girlfriend while she was in Lombok. Why did she agree to be her girlfriend? Why did it last only 2 weeks? Why does she still reads my blog after what happened between us two years ago? Was she angry when she read my post about my rant on her? I want to know. I need to know. I want to know where I stand in her life. At least, I can move on after I know. I don’t know how to ask her. She seems busy and always in need to sleep early. I got to ask her one day.

We have spoken on the phone for about 59 minutes. She wanted to phone me but I phoned her instead. We talked and I could hear her sweet voice again. There was a time when she laughed as I startled on the phone. I thought there was a lizard on my head but it was my hair and she laughed at my silliness. I like hearing her laugh because she has this sweet voice that you can never get enough. I still keep her voice message in my phone, never to hear but just to keep.

We are planning a short getaway. I want to spend time with her. It surely is going to be something I look forward to. I hope I have the chance to do it. If she can’t fit me into her schedule, then I will just come to USJ again and meet her.

PS: I have learnt to take the bulls by the horn

    

Stopping My Expectations

Dear Diary,

Do you know what can expectations do to you? It can do plenty of things. Firstly, whenever you do something for others, do not expect anything in return. If you have feelings for another, do not expect the feelings are mutual. To safeguard yourself, stop having any expectations especially when it involves another human. Life is not easy you will one day appreciate my advice. In reality, expectation is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments. 

However, when you look at expectations from another point of view, it can make you thrive into somebody. I have often heard people say, always push yourself to your limits so you know where you stand. I somewhat agree with this when it comes to chasing your dreams. What are your dreams Diary?    

My dreams are aplenty. I want to be financially strong. I want to climb all the mountains I have not climbed before. I want to be able to take my parents on holidays. I want to drive a Toyota Fortuner and a Toyota Harrier. I want to be a professional full-time Foreign Exchange trader. I want to be a successful E-Commerce entrepreneur. I want to be able to live a carefree life and be cash rich from the things I do for a living; Forex and E-Commerce. I want to grow my Forex account to USD10,000. I want to have a life partner that shares my visions and missions. I want to grow old with her. I want her to be my source of inspirations and motivations. Those are the major things I want in my life.

I am still studying Forex. I have lost USD4000 in Forex which is equivalent to RM16,000. I am not giving up and I will not give up. I am just training myself to accept defeat like a real Forex trader. I still trade but I trade with a journal nowadays. I plan my trade and I enter the market only when there is a setup. I study 4 major pairs diligently and I enter the market on the pairs I have the most confidence. I watch my money management carefully. I am training myself to trade professionally because that is what I want to be. I am growing my account and I want to reach USD10K one day.

I am still in the midst of setting up my E-Commerce store. I have not launched it yet. I am building my store. I have bought the domain and came up with a name. I need capital to launch this store. Not much capital is needed. I need to set aside a budget for advertising. I am going to use Facebook marketing.

So you see Diary, I am keeping myself busy with all these. They do not take up much time and I will become so free after that. I am thinking of finding another thing to do. Perhaps I can try Uber or Grab. I don’t know Diary, we will see. I am still surviving by keeping my expectations on Forex and E-commerce high but my expectations on love as low as possible. I am not sure if there is still love left for me out there. It is just so difficult to get nowadays. At this age, I have become shy to ask and be bold in love. I am just a different person than before. I do not dare to pursue love anymore even though I feel it. I am afraid of rejections, yes, that is what keeps me from pursuing. I am simply treasuring whatever I have now. Where expectations would otherwise become hopelessness, it becomes faith.  

I will write to you again Diary.

Ps: I hope people are not expecting anything from me too as I have stop expecting anything from people. 

My Socially Awkward Self

Dear Diary,

My mouth hurt very much. My braces keep poking my lips on the right and the left side of my mouth. It is very painful and it is making me feeling very uncomfortable when I eat outside. I usually put cotton ball in between the braces and my lips when the pain becomes unbearable. I cannot wait to remove the brace. I have made a vow to myself when I finally remove the brace I will feast on chili crab and mantou, I am not sure if I spell it correctly or you know what it is. It is the fried buns in the Chinese restaurant. I haven’t eaten crab since the day I wear the braces. I am sure I will eat those crabs with a vengeance.

On the night I met up with Nikita, we had dinner at Seoul Garden. I came to Subang Jaya on Friday and I went to meet her for dinner immediately. It was not a good place to have dinner on a first date. It was noisy and the seating arrangement was right next to another couple. It was difficult to chat and often, we had to get up and walked to the food counters to collect the food. It was a bad choice. I managed to drive from Tangkak to Putrajaya without getting lost. Thanks to Waze. It was my first time using Waze and it was great. I used data roaming and thankfully signal was strong so I did not have any trouble finding my ways.

I got there earlier than she did. Her office was just fifteen minutes away that was why I decided to go straight for dinner without checking in to my hotel first. I needed to save time. I did not want to get caught in traffic. I stayed in my car while waiting for her. I did not know what to expect. It has been a long time since I had a date. I am not sure if that was even a date. It was just casual dinner you know Diary. But really, I haven’t done it for a very long time so things were awkward when I met her. I walked to Seoul Garden and she was already there. I did not know where she was sitting but when I came in, she waved at me and I thought to myself, wow, this woman knows my face by hard. From all the pictures she saw on my Facebook and Instagram, she could tell from a distance it was me. I was kind of impressed.

I smiled at her and walked slowly towards her. I did not look at her. I looked elsewhere because I was shy to have any eye contacts. This is me, never wanting to have any eye contacts. I always try to avoid eye contacts when I feel shy. So there I was, standing right in front of her feeling very awkward. I smiled at her and sat down. We looked at each other and she looks the same in photos. She has this sweet look that somehow caught my attention. I have noticed this even in her pictures. Simple but sweet, get what I mean?

So she asked me what flavour of soup I wanted. She asked me to make a choice. I had to make a choice and out of courtesy, I checked with her first if she would agree. She did and there we go, Korean BBQ Buffet dinner with chicken soup. I had so much difficulty eating with the braces and all. I felt miserable, why did I even suggest to her Seoul Garden when I jolly well know my condition. I chatted a bit with her and I find that she is soft-spoken. She is not loud at all and that made me comfortable. After dinner, we walked a bit. She excused herself to go pray while I waited for her. When she came back, we searched for the carpark where I parked my car. I had forgotten where I exited. I did not pay attention to the shops. I did not want to make her search with me because I knew it would be troublesome for her, so I asked her to leave first as we both had to get up early the next morning for our hike.

She obliged and she left asking me if I was sure about it. I was not sure but I did not want to trouble her. I think being single for too long has made me become awkward with her. I did not impress her I think. I am disappointed with myself. Oh never mind Diary, I am not girlfriend material anyway.

I got to go now. I need to study forex.

PS: I am tired of being sensitive.  

My Sabah Adventure Part 3

Dear Diary,

I am feeling a little discouraged these few days. I know why but I think it will go away soon. I will continue my story on Sabah. So I reached the summit successfully and I climbed down as soon as I can. I did not want to wait that long. I came down with some of the group members and we took some photos. Eventually, we split up and I was left alone.

I passed the Donkey’s Ear peak, Ugly Sister’s peak and also some of the popular summits of Kinabalu. You do know that Kinabalu has many peaks and the peak that climbers usually summit is Low’s Peak, don’t you? Not many people know about this but climbers who did their homework first would know. I passed these peaks and I was not very keen to take photos. I stood there and admired these natural beauties with my own eyes. I did not have this chance 21 years ago. I was young and could not really internalise natural beauties. All I knew at that time was to climb Kinabalu. It was not about appreciating and valuing it. Things are different now. We age and we began to understand the importance of being grateful.

Sarah and Nad made it to the top too. The three of us made it and that made this trip complete. I was worried if either one of us did not make it. But thankfully we all reached the summit. We checked in at the hotel as planned. We extended our stay and White Water Rafting at Padas River was one of our activities. I have done White Water Rafting but not Grade 4. I was excited and I supposed so were they.

We were picked up at 5am from our hotel. The transport sent us to Beaufort train station and from there we boarded the train to the starting point. The journey was interesting and something which I will remember for life. The train ride was a classic one with carriages from the olden days. Non-air-conditioned, wooden floorboard, wooden benches and people mostly sat on the floor. We did that and it was amazing.

When we got there, changing rooms were provided for those who need to change clothes. There were lockers and we were required to keep our belongings and valuables. Any other things were not allowed except for your sunglasses and what is on your body. I had to keep my DSLR but it was a good thing they provided photographers at certain points of the river. These photographers are professional kayakers. They will go ahead of you, park themselves and get ready to shoot you with their DSLR.

Sarah, Nad and I together with other 2 guides were in the same boat. So there were 5 of us. It was not crowded and I was glad. You will know why soon. We were briefed about safety procedures and also the standard water rafting commands. We were told what to do if the boat capsized or if we go overboard. I somehow knew what to do as I have done rafting before, I knew what to expect but what I did not expect was to go overboard.

I thought I had it good. I listened to the instructions and I followed but if it was meant to happen, it will happen. I went overboard as I did not hold on to the rope tightly. As soon as I went into the water, I knew I had to survive. I went head first and I felt the water splashing hard on my face. I held my breath and I struggled to get to the surface. I knew I needed to breathe. The current was strong and I felt like I was an object in a spinning washing machine. My shoe almost came off and it tickles me that in spite of my situation right there and then, I still made effort to pull my shoe and secured it to my feet. I still laugh at myself thinking about it. When I was in the water and had surfaced, I tried to do the body raft as I was taught but it was difficult. I simply could not keep my body straight. When you do the body raft, your feet have to be at the front so that you can kick any obstacles in your way. I had so much trouble doing that. I tried to breathe but the water kept splashing at my face. Although I was floating, it was still difficult to breathe.

I really did not know how long I will be in the water and I was not sure if rescue was anytime soon but I suddenly felt someone held my life jacket from behind and I heard a voice saying,

“Don’t worry I am here…”

I turned to look at who it was and it turned out to be my rescue guide. Apparently, the minute he saw me fell overboard, he jumped into the water to rescue me. I was relief as he was beside me and I held on to his arms. I held him so tight I did not want to let go no matter what.

Soon, I felt a boat knocking me and I heard a voice saying,

“Hold on to the rope”

I looked up and it was the rescue boat and I did exactly what I was told when the rescue boat came. They pulled me up and I tried to get a grip. I pulled myself hard as soon as I secured my feet into the boat. It was difficult pulling yourself up like that. I calmed myself down and I transferred to my boat. Sarah and Nad were worried. They thought I was drowned and I chuckled. It was an experience I would never forget. I think I know what it is like now to drown and I know what people will go through minutes before they are drowned. I am thankful I am still alive. The life jacket saved me and the quick thinking guide ensured my safety. I will do it again but at other rivers.

Got to go Diary. I am sleepy.

PS: If I were to die, read me prayers.     

My Sabah Adventure Part 2

Dear Diary,

I have told you about the backpack that was lost. It was found and returned to the rightful owner merely hours before we started our climb. I am sure it was probably the best news for the owner. So there we were all packed up and ready to go. We were told to get ready by 530am which all of us did. However, the drivers did not wake up on time and we had to wait for more than an hour. I was pissed. There I was, already sleep deprived the days before and when I was punctual, I had to wait for people who did not take punctuality seriously.

We had no choice but to wait. He was the one to drive us to Kinabalu Park. There was no taxi in Kundasang. Furthermore, we had hired them to drive us. Apparently, I was not the only one who was pissed. We finally left the hostel at 7am. The registration for the climb took forever. Forms which we could fill up earlier should have been given to us the night before to speed up the registration process. I was somewhat disappointed with the organiser. He has done it so many times and I wonder why he is still not efficient. There were many things I saw he did not handle well and I do not think I will ever follow him again.

The climb was as usual. I had done it 21 years ago when I was 19. I did not remember much about the climb. It was so long ago I could not recall. I climbed at my own pace. Everybody has their own pace. I did not try to follow anybody’s pace. I was always alone. Sarah and Nad were far behind I did not even saw them. I felt different during the climb. I really did not think it was AMS but I think I had been attacked with AMS. I felt nausea and always felt like throwing up. That feeling slowed me down. I was not tired and I knew I had trained enough for this trip, there were no reasons for me to get tired. But there was something that held me back. I did not have to struggle but I always felt uncomfortable, like there was something in my throat waiting to come out. It made me sick. Nevertheless, I made it to Laban Rata. I was in the first group to arrive out of 25 people.

I was the only foreigner in the group so I had to sleep in a different hostel. I shared the room with another hiker from the Philippines. She was pretty and sweet, easy to communicate. She minded her own business while I did the same. We woke up at 1am and prepared for the second part of the climb. It was cold. I felt better when I moved as my body produces heat. Nad and Sarah were nowhere to be seen. They were far behind me but I could not wait for them as I had to hike at my own pace.    

  

The terrain was easy in this second part of the climb but the strong wind and cold made it difficult. Again I was attacked by AMS and that made it even worst. While I was walking I was seeing double and I felt so dizzy. I felt like throwing up but I was afraid to do so as Kinabalu does not have any trees or grass. It is a very clean mountain. We were told that we are not allowed to pee or poo anywhere on the mountain. I held back my urge to vomit and continued the climb. I walked slowly as I really felt uncomfortable with everything. The wind was too strong for me I felt the chill on my face. I did not have any face mask with me but my fleece jacket had this long neck warmer that I could pull up to my face. It really helped me a lot. My legs were not tired at all but the AMS was slowing me down.

I did not remember feeling like this 21 years ago. I was not told about AMS when I climbed it 21 years ago. The world climate has definitely changed and I could feel the vast differences between now and then. I was not prepared for this. I had prepared myself physically for this climb but not AMS. I had to admit defeat to it but I was determined to complete my task. I dropped myself to my knees, I covered my face with my palms and I kneeled down blocking the wind from blowing into my face. I was about to go to sleep when I heard someone calling out to me. It was a stranger about 3 meters away from me. He checked on me and that woke me up. I got up to my feet and asked him if we were still far. He said no and I knew that was a lie. I nodded to him and I told myself, I have come this far and I am not going to give up. I had to finish this climb. If I could do it 21 years ago, I could still do it now. I dragged my feet, how slow I was, I did not stop anymore. I just kept on going and going.

While I was walking, I visualized myself at the summit by the signboards. I carried on with whatever there was left in me to complete. I knew I still had so much strength but my perseverance was dampening. I did not know AMS had to be taken seriously. I kept telling myself I did take precautions. I hiked slowly, I did not rush myself, I took panadol before the climb but I still got it. I continued walking and I ignored all the negative thoughts I had. The last 20 meters was challenging. I did not remember having to climb vertically like this to the summit. I think they have changed the summit of Kinabalu since the earthquake. I honestly do not remember this part of the climb.

I paused a while, I took my time climbing to reach the peak. I was not panting but I was simply nausea. I had to throw up. I knew I had to. I reached the summit eventually at 610am. I waited until the peak was clear to take some pictures. I hated it. It was crowded with climbers and space was small. Taking pictures was difficult especially when climbers refused to get down from the summit. They hung around there as though there was so much space! I had only 3 pictures of mine with the signboard. I figured that was enough. There surely must be one picture that would turn out good, I said to myself.

I made my way back down after taking the pictures. I met Sarah with one of our guides and I told the guide I wanted to vomit. He told me to go ahead and not to hold it back. Upon hearing that, I looked for a suitable place and I threw up. I felt such relief after that. I made it Diary. It was difficult compared to 21 years ago. We lose energy as we aged and I am honestly proud of myself. I am proud because I beat many others who were younger than I am. I would not say I was the fastest but I was always in the first group. My physical training paid off and I have never been so proud of my achievements. Alhamdulillah, I still have the strength and can carry on hiking at this age. Nothing is greater than Allah’s will. I am grateful and thankful. The struggle ends when the gratitude begins.

PS: I do not rush things anymore.

Love, Me  

My Sabah Adventure Part 1

Dear Diary,

Let me tell you about my trip to Sabah. My brother could not send me to the airport as he had to attend class. My flight was at 5pm. I woke up in the morning and the first thing I did was to check on Grab Hitch to the airport. It was the cheapest going at $15. I knew I had to share the ride with other people but I did not mind at all as long as it was affordable. If I had not taken Grab Hitch, it would cost me about $35. I waited for 3 hours before my request got answered. The driver called and text me to confirm my ride. I was glad!

So I reached Singapore Changi Airport Terminal 4, three hours before my departure. I had plenty of time to walk around to see what does this latest airport has to offer. You know we are having Terminal 5 soon as it is under construction. I checked in my bag and waited for my flight. I noticed there were so many USB charging points at the seating area. There were also desktops for us to use for free to surf the internet. There were many shops that did not make me feel like I was in an airport. This is the reason why we have won so many awards for best airport in the world for so many times in a row.

The flight to Sabah Kota Kinabalu was smooth. The weather was fine and I enjoyed my flight. I had booked a hotel transfer with the hostel I am staying, unfortunately, no one was there to greet and welcome me when I arrived. I called the hostel and was told that the car had a punctured tyre which was a lie. I knew it was as my instinct told me it was a bullshit I should never believe. Someone from the hostel should have called me and let me know. I left 2 phone numbers for them to contact me in case of emergency but no one did. They eventually came and I was picked up and sent to the hostel.

The hostel I booked was at Gaya Street and that is like the most happening street in Kota Kinabalu. I came on Saturday and the Gaya Street Sunday market starts at 5am and so, I was all geared up to visit it. Since I had dinner at KFC in the airport, I showered and went to bed straight away. I woke up at 5am and I could not go back to sleep anymore. I took shower and went downstairs. The thing about Sabah is, sunrise and sunset are early than Singapore. So it was bright even at 6am. I walked from one end to the other end of the Sunday market and found few things I like and bought T-shirts for the mother, father and brother. I chose the good quality ones so the prices are pricey a bit. I took photos and I did not feel scared a bit for showing my DSLR. I felt safe as it was crowded and the hostel was just a few steps away.

I went back to the hostel wanting to get some rest but I could not. That is me. I will become a light sleeper when I travel and sleep becomes something which is difficult to do. I am fed up because I knew I had to get some rest before the hike. I went out again, this time I tried to find my way to the Philipino market and also the handicraft centre. I walked and the distance was not that far. I went back to the hostel, packed my bag and got myself a ride with Uber to the airport as I had to wait for the rest of the team. Nad and Sarah will be arriving late as their flight was rescheduled to a later time. I did not know anybody else except Nad and Sarah so when I got to the airport, I did not join the rest, I waited elsewhere. I was shy and I knew I would be uncomfortable.

They finally arrived after a long wait. We packed up and left the airport. We spent the night at a hostel in Kota Kinabalu which was a walking distance to the hostel I stayed earlier. I made few new friends and I began to feel comfortable with this team. We had dinner outside, we chatted and the ice was broken. We went back to the hostel to get some sleep. Tomorrow morning will be a long day to Kundasang.

Apparently, 1 of the participant had his backpack lost by Air Asia. All he had was his wallet. He was with his girlfriend and being the man, most of the heavy items were in his backpack and the lighter items were in his girlfriend’s pack. He was worried and I could tell from his face that he was an unhappy man. I would be too if I was him. I cannot imagine having my backpack lost when I travel especially for a hiking trip. Losing all the gears and clothes for the hike in the backpack, gone and lost with no guarantee of getting them back. What would you do Diary? I honestly wouldn’t know what to do.

So the trip organiser, Acai came out with this idea of a donation drive for them. The contribution was optional and I contributed RM50 to them. I imagined myself in their shoes and all I wanted was for someone to help me too if this happens to me when I travel. I think a total of almost RM300 was collected and handed over to them. We had to change many of our plans in the itinerary because of them. We went to this very big Bundle shop for them to shop for last minute items for the hike. They shopped and I shopped too. I bought a pair of Teva slip on. People say make hay while the sun still shines.

So after all that, we reached Kundasang safely and by Allah’s will, his backpack was found and Air Asia sent the backpack to him at 3am in the morning hours before we started our climb.  Air Asia knew the urgency and made sure he received it before the climb because I guess the fault was on Air Asia. Somehow, they have to rectify and correct the situations and they did.

So there we go Diary, this is only Part 1 of my Sabah Adventure. I will write again as I have to sleep. The bed is calling.

Ps: Life is an adventure, don’t you agree? 

Spending Time With Nikita

Dear Diary,

I am back. I am all pumped out to write you stories. Stories that you would enjoy reading and it will be stories full of excitement and thrill. It will make you feel like you are on a roller coaster ride of a lifetime. I am back from Sabah, I have finished my 15 days course and I am free now. Well, not exactly free with so much free time as I am in Tangkak. My parents and the nieces and nephews will come tomorrow. The house will surely be crowded and noisy with them around. I do not think I will have the time to write to you daily. I will try.

I went for a day hike on Saturday. It was just a casual hike with a friend I just got to know. A mutual friend. Remember Alpine? Let’s just call her Nikita. I went hiking with her and that was the second time I met her. The first time was the night before for dinner at Seoul Garden. The hike was fun and I did not beat my personal record as I had to wait for Nikita. She was not fast so out of courtesy, I had to wait for her and hike with her. I wanted to do two rounds of the hike but looking at the pace we went, I knew I couldn’t. We made it to the summit together, we sat awhile and talked. She talked about her ex-girlfriend and I talked about Infinity. I have had so many ex-girlfriends but Infinity was the one I chose to talk about because she was the closest example of her stories.

I wanted her to know that breaking up is a process that everybody will go through eventually. Whether you like it or not, it will be something we must experience at least once or twice in our lives. I have had many breakups but the most painful ones were with Infinity and the most heartfelt one was with Flying Babe. I have no more love for Infinity, not even an inch left but things are different with Flying Babe. My weakness is that I still have a soft spot for her. She stays in my heart and I carry her in the background. Sometimes I wonder why it takes a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye. I wish I never had to say goodbye to anyone who has crossed my paths. I would like to be with them forever until eternity but you and I know that is just not possible. I have read somewhere that we only part to meet again. Is it true Diary? Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos, everybody needs that.  

I could see Nikita is going through what I went through and I could easily relate. I feel her and I know exactly what she needs. She has been handling it well though from my observations. She has moved out of the house into a new one. She has cut all communications from her ex-girlfriend and she is making herself busy with productive work. She is lucky because she has a good friend who aids her becoming busy. She has some sort of a business project going on with that friend.

Nikita is a self-proclaimed independent woman who likes to think that she does not have a gentle heart. I think she will survive this ordeal and she does not need new people in her life to do just that. She is a woman of few words and it was not easy to connect with her. It will take time and lots of communication to get to know her. We did quite a few things together. We had dinner, then breakfast, we hiked, we had lunch, we went to Big Bad Wolf together, we ate ice cream together and we went for a movie. I had a good time with her. There were not much of interactions but there were so many activities. Our time was filled with things to do and where to go. She knew how to bring me to places and she did not bore me. I was quiet too and so was she. I probably have shown her few bad body languages which might have turned her off. Well, I am not sure. You know how careless I can be, right Diary? We have the same Star and probably the same characteristics, two stubborn Taurus out in the urban jungle. Therefore, I am inviting you to imagine what it would be like.  

I got to go Diary.

Ps: I have big plans for us. Will you let me have the chance?

What I have Been Doing.

Dear Diary,

Forgive me for not writing for such a long time as I have been busy. I hope you are doing good and in the pink of health. I was in Sabah for one week. I came back on Saturday and I have been attending classes for my Leadership and People’s Management Course. Yes, I have been genuinely busy. I jog at night to build up my stamina and endurance for future mountain climbing trips.

I will be climbing Rinjani in April 2018 and Fuji in August 2018. These are my major hikes in 2018. I got to stay fit. In between those two mountains, I will be going for other hikes in Malaysia. It is like I hike almost every month nowadays. One mountain every month; that seems to be the rule I live by nowadays. Rinjani, I have heard is no ordinary mountain. It is not easy and it is challenging. It is a volcano and it has loose gravels, sands and stones. You will definitely find these elements in your shoes while ascending and descending Rinjani.

I am going to Sabah in January 2018 and yes, my free time since I came back from Sabah on November 2017 was dedicated to doing reservations on accommodations and transport for January 2018. I have been doing my homework on what to do, what to eat, where to eat and how to go in Sabah. I am sorry for ignoring you Diary, really I have been busy. There are so many things I have to do. My mother is back from Umrah when I was in Sabah and it just feels so overwhelmed with things happening in my family.

I have no class today so I can write a bit to you. 

I have to go now. I have things to do. I will write tomorrow ok. 

How I Spent Friday

Dear Diary,

Did you sleep well last night? I did and I woke up just in time for Fajr. After that, it was a busy morning for me. I cooked for dad and I did some household chores. I have never cooked so early like that before. I had to because I need to go out to get something and I am afraid I might be back late. I do not want to eat dinner outside anymore. I want to eat home cooked dinner and so I cooked early today.

I bought a bag for my backpack. It is a rucksack where I can put my backpack inside it to check in for flight. I bought it for $15. It is used and I bought it from Carousel. I bet it was expensive because it is the same brand as my backpack and for those who know about a backpack, they know my brand is expensive. Oh anyway, I am glad I waited for this because the offer price was $20 and I tried my luck and made a counteroffer at $15 and it was accepted. I got home and I tried it. It is perfect for my bag and I like it very much.

I had a new friend request on Facebook a few days ago. I do not know who she is but I saw that we have a mutual friend so I approved of her. She appears to be a friend of an old friend of mine, Watermelon. This girl seems to share the same hobby as I do. She likes hiking, camping and backpacking. She is 35 and lives in Bangi. She has climbed mountains out of Malaysia mostly but not that many. I think I have climbed much more mountains than she does. She is going to Everest Base Camp (EBC) next year in April, alone. I am impressed but I still think she cannot beat my record. *chuckles*

I spent my time climbing the mountains in Malaysia for the past twenty years. I have completed the G7 series at 40  and now since I do not have a job anymore, I am focusing more on mountains out of Malaysia. Rinjani will be my first Indonesia mountain and then Fuji and Annapurna Base Camp. EBC probably will be my next and Kilimanjaro will be after EBC. I told her to go with me if she wants to go to Kilimanjaro. She said it is on her wish list too. See, birds of a feather flock together.

She gave me her number and we started chatting on whassap. We mostly talked about mountains, hiking and life. I might be hiking with her in December and she told me Watermelon wants to come along. I am fine with that but I know Watermelon is not a hiker, so I need to be patient with her speed. I have not met Watermelon for a long time. In fact, I have not been keeping in touch with many of my friends in Malaysia. There are only a few of them I keep in touch while the rest remain friends on Facebook. We have all aged, Diary. We appreciate more ‘me’ time than socialising.  If you ask me now, I’d rather be laying on my couch at home and watch ‘The Walking Dead’.

I cannot deny that is not always the time but this is a fact about people when they grow older, they grow to become self-sufficient and they somehow do not chase love anymore. They have learnt to love themselves and not having someone to love is not a problem anymore. If by any means, they have found love, they would consider that as a bonus. I think I would like to call my new found friend Alpine. The name suits her since she likes to hike alpine mountains.

I got to go Diary. I just found out that I have to go to the airport on my own tomorrow. My brother has class so he can’t send me. Damn! 

PS: You are still the one. Love, Me.   

Spending for My Parents

Dear Diary,

How has it been? I am doing ok. I am just busy with stuff. Mother is not around, so I am in charge of the household chores. Sometimes I cook dinner, sometimes I don’t and we will eat out. Eating out is very costly. I have spent $65 already just on three dinners outside. While I am trying hard to save, I know I still have to spend. Dad feels guilty and offered to pay for his meals. I declined his offer and paid. How can I take his money? How can I even expect him to pay? It does not make sense. I have promised myself to support my parents financially come what may.

I am going to Sabah this January with my parents. All expenses paid by me. I have set $2000 for this trip and it looks like it will be enough for the three of us, Insha Allah. I have bought tickets and we are flying with Air Asia. I asked Flying Babe if she could be on the flight but she could not as the flight I am taking departs from Singapore. She is based in Kuala Lumpur. There are a lot of Air Asia flights that I will be taking but I am somewhat disappointed since she cannot be working on those flights. But then again, I do not know how it is going to be like if she is working on those flights. It would definitely be awkward for me. We have not met for 8 years, I think. How time flies. Eight years is long time Diary, it is enough to make someone erase her feelings towards someone but I suppose not everybody can do that. I cannot do it, not with her.

PS: Take care Diary. 

What I want As A Lesbian

Dear Diary,

I did not go to JB today. Miss Legal sent me a text to say she had to go stay in KL to meet another client of hers. She apologized but what can I say. She did tell me she has to text me again to confirm. Well, I was not disappointed because I was already prepared it would be canceled. We ended up chatting with each other. I felt like it was a session of open up about being who we are, lesbians.

I have not talked about this for a long time but I feel that it is time to talk about it again. It all started when I told her about my trip to Gunung Rinjani in April 2018. I will be climbing the mountain for 4 days and I am planning to spend about 4 days in Gili Trawangan and I am thinking of going to Bali for another 4 days. I might be bringing my parents to Bali. So I told her about my plans and she gave me tips as she has been to both places. Now I am not sure about bringing my parents as I know Bali is no place for the old. Miss Legal said so too. So I could ask my parents to come to Lombok Gili Trawangan but I am hesitant. I will be with my friends in Gili Trawangan and I am not comfortable with introducing them to my parents.

Please Diary, do not get me wrong. I am always very careful of friends I bring home to meet my parents. These friends of mine, they are a couple. A butch and a femme.  I worry if introducing them to my parents would create some kind of impressions about me.  I do not want my parents to have an inkling of an idea that I am gay. I do not want them to worry and to feel all stressed up about me. I told Miss Legal about this and she shared the same opinions too. We began talking about it in depth and she shared exactly what I feel about it all.

We both believe that this feeling of liking women is inborn and we really did not choose to live life like this. Simply said, we are born with it and we did not have any other choice except to be born with sexual preference already pre-chosen for us. I realized that I am gay when I was five. Of course, I did not know that it was called lesbian at that such a young age. All I knew I like older girls and I like being surrounded and pampered by them. When girls my age were busy accessorizing their dolls, I was busy figuring out if what I felt was normal. It was not easy living life like this. I do not regret being like this. I know it is wrong but I also know if I am not what I am, then I wouldn’t be able to meet Flying Babe and all the other good friends I have. I wonder about her most of my times you know.

I told Miss LegaI that I am not going to question God about why I am what I am. There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on man's shoulder. I sense that I have become religiously incline but still I do not want to change from what I am. I did not have a choice being born like this but I do have a choice to be the un-practicing lesbian. I believe it is not wrong to be in love with a woman (not resorting to sexual imaginations, intimate moments and such).  As long as I do not create sins out of being a lesbian I figured I will be fine...I am too old to switch. I do not want to be tired of wondering or regretting what I am. If God is perfect then I shall not question why I was born like this. We all know this is inborn. This feeling is not created by us.

I am not going to fake about liking a man to get married and settle down just so I could be in the mainstream ideologies, have babies, build a family, watch them grow up while I grow old. If I want babies, I will adopt. I do not need a family as I already have. But I do need someone to grow old with me. Someone I can look forward to be with coming home. She and I will spend the rest of our time together. She will be the one who knows what to order for me in the restaurant. She will know how I like my coffee or tea. Ultimately, she will be the one who holds the key to my heart. It does not matter if we have sex or not, what matters is we both have each other as companions. Someone to complain to about things we feel unhappy about. We will treasure the presence of each other. How we fight and argue, we know that at the end of the day, it is she who we come back to. Love, with all our heart and might because love is the indigenous nature of the soul. 

PS: One day, two will become one. Will you love me back?

Love, 

Me

Excited To Meeting An Old Friend

Dear Diary,

I did not go for my course today and tomorrow. I think I will not be going to any this week. It is okay as I can always reschedule. It is a 15-day course and I can attend whenever the slots suit me. I simply have to make sure that I complete the course by end of December.

How are you Diary? I have been thinking about you and what I shall write to you. There are many stories to tell especially after not writing to you for exactly a year. Flying Babe told me that. I could not believe she checked on that. I would consider it as the nitty-gritty detail. Only someone who takes that subject seriously would do that. That is why I write. I have promised myself to write, how tired I am, at least a short one paragraph. That will do. At least she knows about me unless I really can’t.  

Oh, as I was typing this, Miss Legal text me and told me she will be in Johor Bahru tomorrow and the day after. She has a court hearing on Wednesday. It is not confirmed yet but I sense that she wants me to hang out with her. I have known her since she was a student until today she has become a lawyer. I have watched her life progress from losing a father to having a new family member when her little brother got married. I have known her for more than 15 years Diary. I cannot believe the amount of time since it all started from IRC. I have to admit that I made many friends from IRC and most of them have turned into good friends. Gosh, the friendships and relationships I have built during those years chatting in IRC have turned fruitful. I am not surprised at all I have more friends in Malaysia than in Singapore.

The friends I made from IRC are closer to me since we are all people who share the same sex preference. We are indifferent and that is what makes me feel comfortable with them. So I make a date with Miss Legal on Wednesday for lunch and she said she was hoping to meet me for dinner tomorrow. I told her I cannot do dinner as it will be troublesome for me to go back to Singapore on the same night. She immediately offered me to spend the night with her in her hotel room. I do not mind actually as I have nothing to do at home. I am done packing for Kinabalu and now I am just hanging around at home reading and doing my stuff. I accepted her offer and will wait for her confirmation. Her court hearing is not confirmed yet she said. She is going to text me tomorrow at 2pm to confirm.

I am excited. I feel like I am a girl who is about to get candies. It has been a long time since I met her. The last time I met her was 5 years ago. We still keep in touch. We exchange texts almost weekly. She is one of those friends I treasure because she understands me and she lets me win most of the times. The friend is the woman who knows all about you and still likes you. Well, I hate losing and she knows that so she always gives in to me. I supposed she is one of the smarter ones among my friends. I am a stubborn idiot, and there is no point arguing with a stubborn idiot. I supposed that’s what old friends do. We know each other too well that arguing with each other is the last thing we want to do and giving in is the best option, simply to save the friendship. Friendship isn’t a big thing — it is a million little things, like a rainbow between two things.

Miss Legal told me she has put on lots of weight. She is 70kg now and she told me not to be surprised when I see her. She told me that she still drives her old car and it is ugly. I told her to shut the fuck up and just meet me tomorrow. I miss her and it has been a long time since I am going out for fun like this. You know Diary, going out just to chill and unwind. I honestly need this and Miss Legal has just answered my prayers.   

PS: Can you imagine how would I feel meeting you. Love, me. 

Missing

Dear Diary,

I have not been getting enough sleep lately. I want to write to you and tell you stories of my day but I am too tired. I miss you Diary, All I could think of while I was there is you because I know I am closer to you when I was there. While I had my dinner at Al Rawsha Restaurant, I thought of you and I was thinking, wouldn’t it be nice if I could bring you dinner there. I have so much to say but I don’t know how.

I am missing mother. I miss you. I miss Hang Jebat.

 PS: Take care Diary. Missing you, Me. 

A Day in Kelana Jaya

Dear Diary,

I am in Kelana Jaya today and I will be spending the night at my aunt's house. I have to be up early in the morning tomorrow to send mother and the rest of the entourage to KLIA. They are all going to Mecca. Mother will be there for 14 days. I was supposed to go but I could not as Saudi has tightened the laws where every single woman below the age of 45 has to be accompanied by a Mahram. I think Allah has better plans for me. Perhaps he knows that I am not ready for it. Honestly, I am under stress if I were to go. Well, I will talk about it some other time Diary. I am tired and sleepy. We just had dinner at Al Rawsha Restaurant. It serves authentic Arabian cuisine. Nice food and good ambiance. The restaurant is in Shah Alam.

I chatted quite a bit with Flying Babe. I miss this very much and I am somewhat happy that I could have it again. I wish for my sensitive heart to be strong for whatever come what may. I wish I would have the courage to say what I wanna say. I hope my heart will understand that things will not always go the way I want them to be. I am training my heart to be less sensitive.

I got to go Diary. I need to sleep.

PS: Braveheart is coming. Love, me.

Learning To Apologize and Living

Dear Diary,

I woke up at half past eight today and I rushed to the bathroom to take my shower. I almost forgot I have a medical appointment at ten at Raffles Medical. The personal medical check-up is for a project that I want to do in the future. I had to take an eye test and also an x-ray. I told the doctor that I have had Tuberculosis so that he will expect my result of the x-ray is unusual than other people.

When I was discharged from Tuberculosis, the hospital gave me a letter to confirm that I have been discharged and free from the disease. The doctors told me to keep the letter safely and treasure it like how I treasure my life as any future chest x-ray I do will show white spots on my chest. That piece of the letter will help to prove that I am cured of the disease. If I lose that letter, I might have to undergo the medication process of Tuberculosis all over again. Mind you Diary, that medication process is something one must not take lightly. The shortest is six months and the longest is up to nine months. One has to go to the nearest polyclinic to take up to 12 pills and an injection daily Monday to Saturday except for Public Holiday. My process took six months and during those six months, I could not go overseas. I was on three weeks medical leave but all I could do was to stay at home and be a couch potato. This was when I got myself hooked on ‘The Walking Dead’.

I thank God I am cured and I keep the letter safely in my personal file. I did not bring it to the medical check-up and so the doctor asked me to scan and email him the letter. I will have to do it by today. You know I have to leave Singapore tonight for Tangkak. I will be spending the night in Tangkak and I will be driving to Kelana Jaya tomorrow to spend the night at my aunt’s house. On Sunday, we will be sending my mother to the KLIA. Mother is in Kelana Jaya since Monday. I have not seen her since I came back from hiking. I kind of miss her actually.

The house feels so different without her. I guess in every household, mothers always keep the family alive and they are the heart of the families. I cannot imagine how my life would be like without my mother. Sometimes, I feel so sad out of a sudden thinking that I might have to bear the loss of my mother eventually. People die don’t they Diary? I simply have to prepare myself losing my mother and father. I have lost a brother before, and I know it is only a matter of time that I will be losing another family member. I might be the one next, who knows. Right? All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing. The memories, laughter, and hatreds we shared. Thinking about this makes me realize how important it is to let the people I love know how much I love them and not to be afraid to take ownership of the mistakes even if it is not ours. People say, let love's apologies wait not until death's doorway.

Remember Flying Babe? I have made amends with her. I know what happens and it does not matter who started it and how it got started. I am responsible for it. I text her just before I started my hike. I was prepared for her not to reply. I was ready for anything. She replied and I was on cloud nine. I said my piece and so did she. I apologized for my mistakes because I know an apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything. I just realized how my blog means so much to her. I feel so guilty for not writing to you. I feel bad for ignoring you for the past 1 year. I did not even realize that I have not been writing to you for exactly a year until she said so. The postings I wrote from my blog have become her bedtime stories. When I stopped writing, she became lost. Trust me Diary, if only I could be there right there and then to give her a tight hug the moment she said that.  I stopped writing for reasons I believe were right, while I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. I have come to terms that life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it. I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived.

I love them all, people who have walked into my life. And if I were to lose any of them, I will embrace those memories I have had with them, plant those memoirs deep in my mind and throw away the keys far and away. 

PS: Take care Diary. Love, Me. 

How Sleepy I can Get

Dear Diary,

I feel sleepy a lot nowadays. I think I know why but I cannot help it because I am hooked on it. You see, I have a TV in my room but I hardly use it as it has no cable. The reception is bad and I always have to adjust the antenna to get a clearer picture. I watch TV in the living room with mother and I have no control of the remote. Mother conquers it. So like it or not, I have to watch the channels she watches and that include Koreans.

Every night without fail from Monday to Friday, she watches this Korean drama. I watch along and that leads me to get hook on it too. How ironic is it? I never thought I would get hooked on it but really, I have no choice. I still think it is all about the storyline of the drama too. This drama titled “The Love Is Coming” has good plots and they make sense to me. It is a family drama which does not compromise logic. I guess that is what keeps me hooked. The drama starts at 9.15 in the evening and ends at 11.15 close to midnight. So that explains why I get sleepy easily. I wake up at half past 6 in the morning every day. I pray and I begin my day from the moment I wake up. I do not go back to sleep after Fajr prayer because I read somewhere, in order to have abundant wealth, Islam encourages Muslims to stay awake after Fajr prayers. I am practising it to turn it into a habit.

I also have this bad habit to surf the internet on my phone before I go to sleep. I do not like this habit Diary. I know if I keep doing it, I am risking my eyes to possible temporary blindness. It is bad to look at your phone in the dark. The effects will be on your eyes. I did some reading on it. It is not really that serious but people should stop doing it.

After surfing on my phone, I will usually go to sleep around midnight or half past midnight. I did not have to try hard to sleep. Most of the times, the phone would simply slip off my hand while I am holding the phone. That shows how sleepy I would be. It is alright if you are in the bed but when you are driving, it can be hazardous.

 Do you know that I almost met with an accident last Sunday? I opened my eyes in the nick of time. There were five of us in the car. It was my car as I was from Tangkak and so I picked up the rest of the hikers along the way. From Tangkak I drove to Ayer Keroh Melaka to Putra Mahkota in Bangi and then to Serdang KTM and lastly to Sungai Buloh Rest and Relax to the meeting point of the hike in Cameron Highlands.

I drove alone to and fro. Driving to the starting point of the hike was not bad as I had enough rest and sleep. But it was such an ordeal driving back home after the hike. I was tired and sleepy. None of us had enough rest and sleep. I was in the first group. I reached our car at 7pm. I had to wait for the rest of the hikers who carpooled with me. They reached my car at 9pm. I had to wait for them to change to dry clothes, got organised and ready to leave.

My car was the last car to leave the car park. Driving down from Cameron was scary as it was drizzling and cold, the fog was so thick that I could not see what was in front of me. I got pissed somehow with the rest of the people who carpooled with me. None of them seemed to be able to help. I stopped my car in the middle of the road and told them I will have to stop because I dare not drive in such situations. I couldn’t care less about what they would think because they were a bunch of hopeless people. I did not give a damn if they need to get home early unless one of them volunteer to drive. One person did and he drove down to a restaurant nearby where we had our supper. Well, at least one person knows I meant business. After supper, we headed back home. I volunteered to drive as I thought the rest needed to sleep and I did not have to work anymore so I really thought they needed the sleep more than I did.

This is the thing about me. I care too much about the well being of people that sometimes I neglected my own comfort. So I drove from the restaurant to Sungai Buloh to Serdang to Putra Mahkota and then to Ayer Keroh. I had not slept for more than 20 hours, I had used up almost all of my energy hiking and now I had to keep my eyes awake for another 7 hours at least. I got to Tangkak at 5 in the morning.  

I felt sleepy, like really sleepy while I was driving to Ayer Keroh. You know a sleepy woman's eyes generally go to bed sometime before she does. My eyes literally closed on me and when I opened my eyes, my car was going into the other lane and was about to hit a car from behind until I swerved it back to my lane. That simply proves that without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds. I was not alone in the car, I had another friend with me but he was too busy to notice my car was swaying as he was looking at his phone. That pissed me off. I somewhat dislike this group of people who carpooled with me this time because they are all uncooperative and selfish. I simply got bored with them but well, this is a fact I have to face about carpooling to go hiking.

It will always be my car as I am from Tangkak. I drive up towards KL and that’s where most hikers are. If I do not offer my car, I do not know where to park my car overnight. I do not feel safe leaving my car overnight at a place I do not know quite well. I can always park my car at my friend’s house or my aunt’s house but that would be troublesome. I just do not want to trouble people. I figured I have to deal with it anyhow as using my car for the carpool seems the most logical thing to do.   

My 300 Lumens Headlight and The Last G7

Dear Diary,

I have been climbing mountains every month since June till my father suggested to me to live in the jungle. I laughed at his remark unsure if he was serious about it or he was simply teasing me. You know I started hiking since I was 19 and I never stopped ever since then. I have always liked the outdoors. I am a gear freak and every time I have a new gear, I would be excited to try and test it out in the outdoors.

My latest gear is the Black Diamond headlights. It is 300 Lumens headlights that come with rechargeable batteries. My current headlight is Petzl but I do not find it bright enough because it is only 100 Lumens. I like brightness. I never like dimly lit lights or lamp. It annoys me. So I went hunting for a brightest headlight within my budget. I knew I had to buy something above 200 Lumens and I finally settled for Black Diamond 300 Lumens. It is bright, brighter than my Petzl.

So the recent hiking trip was to Gunung Yong Yap. This would be my last mountain to conquer under the G7 category. You know my mission is to complete all the 7 mountains by 2017. So I overlooked this headlight and only bought 1 set of batteries. Little did I realise, the higher the lumens are, the more electricity it uses. To be able to shine brightly, of course, it needs bigger electricity. That means batteries will wear out faster. It was my mistake for not thinking about it and my batteries died on me while I was hiking to reach the summit at six in the morning. I was worried. You know how dark it is in the jungle at 6 in the morning? You cannot even see your hand in front of you. Yes, that is how dark it is.

I was always in the first group, second to be exact. The first in the line up was a 22-year-old student from UPM. She carpooled with me and so, we kind of got along well. Coincidentally, both of us are fast, well she was faster than I am but we were always not far from each other. But I still consider myself fast because I am 40 and she is 22! Look at our age gap but I am still able to be 15 minutes behind her. Not bad for a 40-year old eh? So I was lucky I had her and two other hikers behind me. From their torch, I managed to hike safely and finally, the student lent me her spare batteries. I really needed those batteries. My hike became easier after that and my confidence grew. Let this be a lesson for me to bring extra batteries for my headlights for any future hikes.

The hike to the summit was tough. I literally had to use my two hands and two legs to climb as the inclination is almost 90 degrees. Imagine that Diary. It was like climbing a wall and I had to be a lizard. I controlled my breathing and I also controlled my steps. You know I did not train hard for this hike as the hike before this caused my knees so much pain that I had to give them a very good rest. I did not train at all for Gunung Yong Yap. Yes, I was worried how would I do but I have faith in Allah. All along, I said my prayers to Him quietly wishing that he would lighten my burden and ease my climb. He did and I still manage to be in the first group. Somehow, I am proud of myself. I do not look forward to being the first to reach the summit but I always try to be in the first group. I am competitive but I do know where I stand. I set realistic goals for myself to achieve. There were 32 rivers to cross and out of those, there were 4 rivers which were quite dangerous to cross.

It was raining when we started descending. It never stopped until we reached the starting point. During one of the four most dangerous river crossings, I almost slipped but I managed to stay calm and got a good grip of my footing in the water. If I had not gotten a good grip, I am sure I was going to be swept away by the current. The current was strong Diary and believe me people can get swept away easily if they slip. The water level of the four rivers reached my waist until it touched my backpack, can you imagine that? Because it rained, so the water level rises and that made it even more dangerous. Alhamdulillah, all of us were safe and there was no injury. It was not easy crossing rivers when it rain and water level is high. There are many cases where hikers got swept away and died of drowning. I have read cases like that in Gunung Tahan. Well, whatever we do, there will always be risks involved. Right?

Diary, I got to go. I am sleepy. I will write again tomorrow.  

Forex And E-Commerce Are Giving Me Mood Swings

Dear Diary,

I do not know what I am feeling right now. At this very moment, I have suddenly lost all hope on almost everything. My mood changes so easily these past few days. I think I know what it is. They are Forex and e-commerce. You know I have not been trading correctly for so many times but somehow I have managed to make some profits. I would probably call it luck and also I controlled my greed and emotion. I always bear in mind that to have a good skill at money management in Forex is crucial and so I did try my level best to be good at it; managing my capital, loss and profits. However, I made many stupid mistakes in one day of trading, not at one of the accounts but both accounts. I made too many entries (layering) and all of the entries are against me right now. In total, I would have lost USD2000++ if I had closed all the positions. I have not done anything yet to my account, I just let them flow. 

I had a good opportunity yesterday to close the positions at minimal lost but I decided to let them continue floating thinking the market would go downtrend but I was wrong. I still can wait until the end of this month and I will close them as soon as I see it is a good time. I missed yesterday's opportunity and I am not going to let it pass again. I have to do something about it. I need to go back studying the correct trading techniques. Actually, there is not a single foolproof trading technique in the world. Different people have different trading styles. It is just that you have to find a technique that best suits your personality. I have tried a few techniques and I know I can make money out of it but sometimes I totally forgot about having and practising the correct trading principles.

I screwed myself up Diary. There are many times I feel like giving up. I cannot tell this to my family as they do not even know what I do for a living now. I cannot go on like this. I must do something to be good at my skills. Forex is a high-risk money making tools and I must be careful every time I trade. I am not giving up on it but I am going to take it slow now. 

I have done lots of research about e-commerce. There are many things that I know now. I am not sure if I like doing it or not. There are many things you have to do like doing research about the products you want to sell and also you need to spend some money on advertising. You must spend money to make money, yes I know this but I am at a stage where I got to watch what I am spending. I have not been making money for the past 2 months. I solely depend on my savings now and that is not a good thing. I cannot be making money from Forex yet as my accounts have too many open floating loss positions that withdrawing would risk me losing my accounts if the market goes against me further.  I had hope with e-commerce but after I went for two preview talks, I began to understand further on how internet marketers make people buy their products. It is more than just having an online store. The concept is similar to having a physical business.

First, you got to have a store, capitals, products and crowds to visit your store and then make the crowds buy your products. Everything is the same except that the capital to do business online is way cheaper than a physical store. You need to have products but you do not need to have an inventory of the products. You can make people buy the product first only then you get the product. The good thing about online business is you can reach people from all over the world. It is 24 hours operational and it can be a one man show. You can do drop shipping, internet marketing and much more. You will use the social media platform to advertise your products and services. You have to research on what product is trending at the moment and find ways to sell at attractive offers. Your advertisement got to be catchy and inviting. I have seen 2 full youtube videos on how to go about it. I am still deciding if I am going to make this my full-time rice bowl. I thought about it but I am not sure now. I cannot be making Forex my full-time source of income as trading Forex needs a peace of mind. I am pretty sure I will not be having peace of mind when I trade as you have to trade calmly to make rational decisions. Let me go for the course in August and then I will decide. Until then, I love you Diary. Talk to you again. 

Getting The Foundation First

Dear Diary,

I still feel bitter about the closure of my credit card account. Yes, I have 8 other credit cards but I am still disappointed about it all. You see, I am the kind of person who hardly stays more than 3 years in a company. The last company I worked was for 22 months, 2 months short of 2 years. To have a good long standing record in a company is crucial when applying credit facilities in a bank. They will look at your company background, your length of service, your gross annual salary and of course your payment habits with the credit bureau. With my kind of attitude, it is really a tall order to repeat the process again. 

When I joined that company, I had dreams. I had visions. My purpose was to get as many credit facilities with the banks because I have plans. I succeeded at it but now when 1 credit facility was taken away because of my carelessness and carefree attitude, I felt that it was such a waste. That is what I am so angry about. I feel that my effort has gone down the drain. I am so fed up with myself. I have to get it back Diary. I have promised myself that I will get it back. You know I will. No matter how long or how difficult it is, I will get it back. Watch me. 

I went to a preview on e-commerce today. This time it was split into two. The first preview was about 2 brothers who made 2 million worth of sales in just 1-month selling kinds of stuff on Shopify through drop shipping and the second was about a man single-handedly sells kinds of stuff via email marketing and consistently make about 9 thousand monthly. Well, yes I believe them but I do not understand why they have to charge all the full courses at such high price. Their courses are all worth $1997 above close to $3000. 

I knew they will eventually sell their full course at the end of the preview and created a sense of urgency so that people will sign up, but I did not. I have already signed up for a course which commences in August and I know of an institution where I can learn about Google and Facebook marketing. The course cost $399 and the best thing is I can claim the cost of the course fee from the Singapore Government through a program called WSQ. Every Singaporean is given $500 worth of credit into their account and they can sign up for any WSQ registered course and use the $500 credit in their account to pay off the fees.  I have done my homework and I will sign up for this course soon. I will make inquiries tomorrow. 

The reasons why I still signed up for all these preview talks are because I want to get as many ideas as I can on how to make money online. I know what is e-commerce about but I need to know more than that. I must know tips on what they do to boost their sales, what they do to drive traffic to their site and most importantly what they do to make people buy.  They will not tell you comprehensively. Well, that is expected but they will let you know at least a little. Well, that is enough for me as I can find details on youtube and google about it. What is important to me is to get tips and work on it. Remember I have already signed up for a 3 days e-commerce course, so I am not too worried about not having mentors as I know I will soon. 

It is always good to have extra knowledge on the things you want to do. It is good to be street smart than a book smart.  I just did a search on youtube on how to create a shop on Shopify and guess what Diary, there are hundreds of videos on it and when I continue searching on how to find the latest trend of products, there are also hundreds of videos. See what I mean, it is necessary for you to get formally educated at the beginning, it is like creating a strong foundation for something. After that, then it is really how you continue learning. With today's technology, trust me Diary, nothing is impossible. 

My Stupid $16.40 Expenditure

Dear Diary,

The past weekend has been busy. I went visiting from noon till late evening. It was tiring. Lunch and dinner were spent at guest’s houses. Every house we went, food was served and out of courtesy I had to eat at every house. I knew I had put on some weight. I have little control about it. I am trying to lose some weight by jogging in the morning. I do 100 squats daily and 1 minute of plank. I have not managed to shed some weight but I know I will soon.

I am scheduled to hike Mount Kenderung and Mount Kerunai end of July. People call it the K2. They are located at Gerik Perak. I am not sure if any of my friends are going too but I hope they are as I do not know the way there. It would be safer if I carpool with 1 or 2 other people. I cannot imagine driving to Gerik Perak alone and then I have to find my way there to the starting point of the trek. Oh boy I really hope I can carpool with anybody.

I am disappointed a little today Diary. One of my credit cards account with a bank was closed because of non payment. Can you believe how much was it? $16.40. Well, yes I charged $16.40 to the card and I totally forgot about it. This particular card was the least spent or I hardly use at all. That $16.40 was probably the first and now the last time I used. So honestly I did not remember that I had used it once. What makes matter worst was I opted for an electronic statement.  I am lazy to check my statement online especially when I knew or believe I do not have any outstanding bill to my card. I have 9 credit cards and of course I do not use all of them. I only use 1 out of the nine and I did not know why the hell I used this card for that measly $16.40. I am so pissed at myself for being so stupid and careless. I spent it on February and I only received a physical letter dated 27^th July reminding me to pay otherwise my account will be closed if they do not receive the payment in 2 weeks from the date of the letter. Ironically, I only opened the letter last night and the 2 weeks were already due and my account was closed.

Surprisingly, the bank did not even call me to remind. I am somewhat taken by surprise. How could a bank not call me? And the letter was the only reminder I received from the bank. I am annoyed Diary, I really am. If only they had call me. I made my payment this morning over the counter and I asked if the bank could reinstate my account. They could not. The only way for me to get back the credit card is to make a fresh application. I paid $16.40 exclusive of the finance and late charges. I still have to pay the rest of the charges actually but I chose not to as I know I can ask for a waiver. I already did and I am waiting for the approval. Only if my request was not approved, then I will pay.

Now that I am not working, it is difficult for me to re-apply. I have plans Diary. That is what I am so angry about. I am going to set up my own company and contribute monthly to my CPF account so at least, I have documents to show I am earning. I could be earning tens of thousands of dollars monthly but if I do not have any documents to proof it, it is just pointless. Proof of incomes is important for house and cars purchase. I need to prepare all these documents at least from now because I have bigger plans for the future. So many plans that I get so excited talking about them. I have plans in Singapore and Malaysia. I plan to apply for the Malaysia My Second Home Programme. It cost lots of money and I need proof of income. I need to do good in Forex. I am attending a seminar tomorrow again on Internet Marketing. I got to do it Diary. There is no more time to waste now. Oh Diary, please pray for me. I am doing this for myself and family especially my parents. Goals are dreams with deadlines because success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. I must set myself on fire.