when she's not there anymore...

dear diary, i thought i have a lot to write but when i tried the words just wouldn't come out through my fingers. there are so many things on my mind and i wish i knew how to tell you. i am missing aramis and i cannot deny it. i wonder if she is feeling the same way too. i have been feeling down lately but i tried to ignore it thinking that it is just another unexciting day. the more i tried to ignore it the more i am feeling it so clearly in my heart. i just don't know how to begin and how to carry on. i am all by myself now. i feel relieved but at the same time i am sad and hurt. i think it is time to focus on my life with or without someone to love because i know love is all around me, i just don't know it. i made a promise to myself to open my eyes and feel all the love that i see...even if she's not there anymore.

the woman without a face...

Dear diary, I know I am missing someone very much but it is hard for me to say out her name. It is almost impossible for me to do so probably because I know I will never be able to tell or to say to her how much I have been missing her. We have chosen not to speak to each other quietly and we both know the reasons why. One of us is feeling angry or sad, or hurt by the other but we just didn?t want to admit our faults and our guilt. Ego had taken over our rationality and both of us let it rule our hearts and minds. I am missing her so much that every time I scroll down the list of friends in my mobile, I will stop and literally touch the screen which shows her name. How I miss receiving a sms from that name so fond to me. I wish she knew that I am longing for her but my hands are tied and my lips are sealed. There is no power that can compensate my craving for her attentions. It is unbelievable these feelings I have for her. It is undeniable. Why did we meet only to be separated? Why did we ever become friend only to be cold to each other? My heart is so fragile now diary. It?s becoming so soft like the brain of a baby inside the skull. You have to carry it gently and carefully, otherwise it will knock against the skull and will break eventually. I am trying hard to hold back the tears. Every time I think of her, my heart sinks a little and I can literally feel the pain and the sufferings. I knew it?s broken without even touching it. I have made friends with a few people but none of them can make me feel the way I feel for her. She is one in a million, like a rare gem. I wonder if she is going to remain as the wind that I have fallen in love with till the day I breathe my last breath or will she be that rare gem I have found that I can finally hold to touch and to feel. I do not know but I wish I knew. I stored all the messages I have from her in a folder in my mobile. I keep reading and reading every single message she sent me. It helps me a little to ease the pain and the craving to have her. I think my heart cannot take it anymore diary, it is about to explode anytime soon. It?s getting dangerous and I am afraid it might kill me eventually. I am sad and heartbroken over what had happened. One blow after another and she knew what I have gone through. I cannot have anymore loss. It is too much for me to handle and I can only cry in silence. I cannot deny it anymore, she will be the one whom I have loved and love still and I wish her many success, endless happiness and everlasting good health no matter come what may.

killing my time...

hey diary, how are you? i am sleepy and tired. i called corn pie just now but she seemed busy. i thought i could just chat on the phone. well anyway, i have been planning for the things to do next year and it seems to me that i will be very busy. so many things line up for me to do. i hope i won't lose focus...i still can't transfer word file from my palmtop to my desktop and i wonder why that is. i have not figured it out yet. i miss someone very much diary...i miss her so very much...

i have to go now, i will write again soon. take care. oh by the way, i might get myself a laptop soon..take care now.

achy achy heart....

dear diary, lots of things happened for the past 2 weeks and i wonder if i ever really going to learn my lesson. i am sure i am mature enough to think but it still happens to me. one thing for sure, it happened to me because i allowed it to happen and i can only wonder why did i allow it. i think it is probably because i just wanted to have a good time regardless of how uncertain it is. perhaps i have been longing to feel the way she made me feel for a long time. it doesn't matter who made me feel that way and how it happen, all that matters is i feel good when i felt that way even though i knew that i would get hurt eventually. only then i realised that i have been missing love so much in my life. i thought it was ok and i could handle it but i just realised that it's difficult when you try to deny something which your heart craves so much for. i have been trying hard to deny love in my life only to realise that love is undeniable. it is true that i am not looking but i have to admit that my heart jumps whenever i started to feel the excitement of the possibility of a love newly found. after awhile, some mishaps brought me back into reality and i began to have my feet firmly on solid ground. dreams can be turned into reality only when the dreams are rational and realistic otherwise it takes effort of the whole batallion of army and energy of a man of steel to accomplish it. my heart sank when she broke the news to me. it was painful and i could literally feel that my heart was hurting so much. i have noticed a pattern about all the love that i have found. the women whom i am fond of always seem to break my heart and the women whom i am not fond of but take a liking on me never even let a fly hurt me. that's the saddest thing and yes i have to live with it.

as i was recovering from the heartbreak, i received a call last night and i was in shock when i heard the voice. it was little sister. she is in KL now and she explained to me on why her silence. she was in australia after the bone marrow transplant and her parents took care of her and i think they were being like all parents do, overprotective and she ended up being like a prisoner under her parent's care. i don't blame her parents. no parents would allow their children to be neglected. my heart stopped a little while when she called. i couldn't believe it was her because it has been sometimes since i heard from her. she left without a note, no goodbyes, no farewells and no nothing. i was left alone and i got lost a little. i became a little crazy checking my email everyday hoping to receive an email from her. the email never came and i kept on waiting and waiting and soon, i got disheartened. she came back into my life and i was the happiest woman alive. we spoke for about 50 minutes and i told her how worried i was when she was gone. i told her about the many events that happened to me and she gave me some advice that i would definitely follow. she has always been the little sister; my little sister, cute and always adorable, mischievious and sweet. she's going back to australia soon and i knew then that it's going to be hard to keep in touch with her. anyway, she will give me her phone number in australia, that should be okay. you know diary, when she called i felt like i was in a dream, it was such a surprise. i am glad that i have heard from her and that she is safe. i miss her so much more than words can say. i wish she will be cured and will be blessed with good health always for i love her and i want her to be happy.

yesterday was a day where i had no interest in everything. i missed zuhur, asar and isyak prayers on purpose. i knew what was wrong with me and it's all because of her. i got the news right before i was leaving home to my cousin's place. i got demoralised and i instantly became disinterested in everything that happened on that day. i couldn't be bothered anymore but unsurprisingly, i still managed to smile and laugh. i guess that is me, always managed to look A O K when i really am not ok. well, never mind, i am ok now and i know i will be fine. i called corn pie last night for awhile, she couldn't talk much cos her cousins were with her and she was leaving home with them for supper. i couldn't be long either since i called from my home fix line. we hung up and she sent me a text message after that explaining and apologising. she's nice and can be quite thoughtful, that's what i like abt her.

we brought Tuah to the market with us on sunday morning. we put him in his carrier and he was calling out to us to release him. he's so curious and he explored everything he saw. we bought him a leash and wore it on him yesterday and let him out of his carrier. he became tired and when we got home, he threw himself on the floor the moment he stepped inside the house right in the middle of the entrance. i guessed he was too tired and exhausted to walk further. i carried him in my room after that and put him to sleep on the cushion. he slept there very soundly until we left the house to my cousin's place. my parents became very sympathetic and soft on him when they saw him sleeping like that, i guess he has become the baby in our family and will remain one always.

hello diary...

dear diary, it has been a long time since i write to you. please accept my apologies. i have been busy and didn't even have time for myself let alone for others. since the start of ramadan, i have had my hands full at the preparations, there were so many things to do this year but ironically we did not celebrate Syawal as how we used to. we have one less family member, everybody else's family is expanding but my family is not growing at all, in fact we are shrinking. i feel so sad thinking about it and i am so angry with circumstances sometimes. i feel that it is unfair but what can i say what can i do? i am not trying to push the blame to others but i can't help thinking where did it go wrong and why did it have to be my family? i know i cannot change what has been written and i cannot fight fate even with all the energy i have but i am quite depress over the whole thing. a brother was taken away from me since i was young and another brother has left me for a bigger world. i am only left with one now. i feel so lost sometimes. there's something that makes me feel unhappy but i don't know what it is. dad keeps telling me that he only wishes to be with his sons, daughter and wife in paradise. i knew he misses my brother very much but he is holding back his thoughts from us because perhaps he knew too that all of us are coping with his death. i still shed tears for him quietly and when i am alone reminiscing. i have been thinking about him a lot lately and i remember how i used to joke and tease him. i cannot have the good times anymore with him because he is gone forever and all that is left now are the memories i had with him.

hang tuah is with us now and he has become comfortable with the house and us. he has been a good boy but since he is still a kitten and growing up, he is naughty occasionally, however he is always adorable. i can see that he is growing bigger day by day and he doesn't stop growing. ragdolls cat grow to as big as 20 pounds especially for male ragdolls. hang tuah is almost 2 kg now and he is only 4 months old! i played a lot with him since he came home and i never get tired of him. he is such a lovely and adorable kitten with blue eyes. i cannot deny that the reason why he is with us now is to keep us busy and fill our time with him so that we will not be thinking of him too much. hang tuah's presence indeed help us to overcome the feelings of loneliness.

i have not heard from little sister anymore. i have no idea what happened to her and what is she doing right now. there's not a single news from her and i am thinking of the worst right now. i knew she was going for the bone marrow transplant and that was it. i never heard from her eversince. i do not want to think negative but i am actually thinking of the worst right now. it's so unlike her to do this. please put her in safe hands.

aramis is gone too. i just don't know what to say about her anymore. history is repeating itself now and i am feeling it all over again. she should have left me alone and i should have learnt my lesson.

ash was supposed to come here and spend the weekend with me but she had to cancell it. i was looking forward for her visit cos it's been a long time since i had friends sleeping over my house. i miss their company. we planned to skate and eat seafood but since she couldn't make it, i think i will just skate alone. i was a little pissed with ash actually. i told her to inform me early once she has got the ticket so that i can arrange to pick her up. she didn't get back to me until after i made 4 calls to her which were never answered and 3 sms which she answered eventually. if there is anything i hate, it would be that kind of attitude; a lack of resposibility. busy is not acceptable, it is just excuses and i hate it. nevertheless, i have always enjoyed ash's company cos she is easy and not difficult to please. i hope she is able to make it some other time.

corn pie and i are getting closer and closer each day. we met once and it all started from there. i just feel comfortable with her. she shares the same wavelength as i do and i found out that she and i have a lot in common. she's my age and it's easy to talk to her. i hope our frienship lasts cos she's someone good to have as a friend.

got to go diary. write to u some other time.

all my love

dear diary, i received an email from little sister yesterday. i read her email with sadness and concern. the doctor took her blood some more and they are going to come out with the result soon. i am sad and i am afraid. i feel so sorry for her but i know she won't like it if i show it but i hope deep down inside her she knows i care. i hope to be there soon to give her a hug of courage and support for what she is going through. i keep thinking about her and wonder how is she doing right now. i cried a little for her but i am always praying for her. i have found true friend in her and i will pray to God to give her a good health.

i went skating last night and today for maybe about 10 km. it was tough cos there were a lot of climbing up hill. my thighs went the extra mile for me like never before. it was fun and exciting and i hope to do it again every weekends.

mum told me that she tried calling my late brother's old mobile number and to her surprised, she heard his voice in the voice mail greeting. he was using prepaid card last time and it is still active. his prepaid has a voice mailbox service which allowed him to record his own personal greeting and he did. i heard his voice and i couldn't stop myself from crying. i tried so hard fighting back my tears infront of my parents. dad is still sad over his death and he cried when he listened to his voice. i looked at dad with heartfelt sympathy and how i wish if i could do a miracle, i would bring my brother back to life. i am still missing him and i never stop to think about him everyday. i am going to top up the prepaid so that the number will remain active and so as his voice mailbox. that's the only way i can still hear his voice.

please God, keep my sister safe from harm. give her an eternal happiness because she has been someone i feel so emotionally attached to nowadays. i share everything with her and i tell her stories. i don't want to stop doing it. you have taken my brother so please do not take my sister away from me. i love her like my own sister and please understand how i feel. for all the love on earth, please give us the chance to feel the love we have for each other, near or far till death do us part...

the girls...

dear diary, a lot of things happened for the past week and my time is so filled up that i hardly have time for myself let alone to write. before i begin even further, please accept my apology. aramis and i are talking again but this time i drew an invisible line between us. i do not want things to be like before and i always keep it short and simple. it all started when she began to text me back after keeping silent for 2 months. i didn't ask why nor demand for explanation. i let it be. she voluntarily explained and i was hurt even worse than before. well, people make mistakes and i didn't really care anyway. i know where i stand and i am going to keep it simple from now on. the love is still there but i don't want to get hurt again. if we are meant to be together then we will be no matter how long it takes for us to realise that. i miss her everyday but i know i cannot get too carried away. but i am glad that we have started talking so that i do not have to carry the burden of missing her anymore. she's just too special and i don't think i can ever forget her even in 40 years from now.

little sister is gone and i have no idea what happen to her. i do not feel good about it and i sense something bad. the transplantation of mone marrow usually takes only 2-3 weeks the most but it has been over a month and i am so lost. i am puzzled and i don't know what to think anymore. wherever she is, whatever she is doing, i wish her good health and always be happy. i hope she knows how much i have been missing her.

russia text me 2 days ago asking when can we break fast together. it's hard to say because i hardly have time for myself nowadays since syawal is approaching. i think she would understand, she has been in my house for a couple of times and has mingled with my family members, so i assume she would know. i do miss her company sometimes. she's the kind of person who would make me feel safe whenever i am with her. i just wish that we will remain friends always regardless of what happen. i wished her happy birthday one month too soon and it was embarrassing. i sent her a card but i think i am going to call her on the day itself to make it up to her.

ash has been sms'ing me quite frequently nowadays. she always said she misses me and i begin to have doubt. i never doubt her statement before but after awhile i started to see the change in her. she's become wild and sometimes insensible and that makes it hard to accept what she has said. she was not like this before. i knew her as a decent young girl who has little knowledge of fashion but she has proved me wrong after we broke up and i just find it so sudden. she's behaving like a play girl nowadays and it really turns me off. i just thought that she's trying to grow up too fast and feel old before her time. it's so not cool and unoriginal but i know she still hopes for us to be together again somehow, i just sense it. i still love her but only as a friend, i'm not sure if i am able to go beyond that.

something is wrong with chicken pie. her phone was turned off since 2 days ago and it has not been swithed back on. she has 3 numbers and i tried all her numbers but in vain. this is so not her and i am worried. it's just so unusual for a person to switch off his mobile for more than 2 days unless he is away from mainland. i wonder what could have happen to her. i miss her sweet voice. she has this very sweet voice that i can never get enough. you know what diary, i have begun to think of her often and it is freaking me out. i do not want to have any intimate feelings towards anybody for now and i hope i know how to handle things from there.

i have not heard from dancing queen for a few months now. i guess she has been busy and i couldn't be bothered to call her anymore. she's always not free to talk whenever i call her so i got fed up and stopped calling. the last time we met was in KL in april this year. that was the last we saw each other. i got turned off by her attitude and i decided to leave her alone. she likes attention and i knew she would do anything just to be the centre of attraction while i on the other hand likes to remain low profile and mind my own business. sometimes, i just feel that she has been going overboard to be in the limelight which causes me to lose some respect for her. the thing about dancing queen is she can be as pretty and hip as she wants, look as old and mature as she wants, get all the attentions she wants but still thinks like a kid. i can tolerate that last time probably because i got hook on her and overlooked her shortcomings but i started to realise we can never be together. it's impossible even though she once openly told me she hopes that we are a couple someday somehow but i can only smile at that. nevertheless, she is still somebody dear to me.

i guess my friendship with von dutch has ended and there is no way i can revive it. some things happened and both of us didn't like it. she was nice to me but it was ruined by her partner who somehow i think got jealous of us. the funny thing is, i didn't even try to come on to her, in fact i didn't even ask for her number. she gave it voluntarily and we started talking on the phone soon after that. i cannot recall if there were any intimate conversations between us so i was puzzled for what had happened. she apologised and i took it too hard, i was rude and blunt and cold towards her, she got the message and she left me alone.

well, what can i say and what can i do? she left me with no choice. i tried to create conversation with her but i knew it was pointless. she didn't reply me back, that's when i knew it's over between us even as friends. our friendship was short but it was sweet.

Busy Thursday

dear diary, i spent my thursday at home doing some project for someone. it is her birthday today and i wanted to send the file by email but i can't. it is a powerpoint presentation file and i have got some interesting stuffs in it. i have got our chat logs, my pictures and some of my poems written for her in it too. i did it so nicely and i also inserted our song in it for her to hear. the file is too big to be send via email. i have got other options but i have to wait for the time.

we are returning the maid back to the agency tomorrow and it is kind of sad. we hired her because of my late brother and now that he is gone, we don't require a maid anymore. we are all adults and there are no kids or aged people in the house. all this talk about the maid brings me back to my brother. i have to go now diary, don't wanna be in self pity for losing my brother.

oh yes, by the way, i miss my sister so much. she hasn't written for few days and i am worried. i hope she is happy and fine. i hope her butch gf didn't do anything to her. some butch can be so insecure and edgy and i wonder why that is. little sister, if u read this, where have you been? send me news of yourself ok..?

tired of her...

dear diary, i bought another savings insurance policy today from Great Eastern. i didn't have the intention to buy but the insurance advisor was pretty and she has flawless skin that i just couldn't resist admiring. she was the only female advisor at the booth and i quite enjoyed the time spent with her. i bought a savings 25 years plan which covers the common 30 illnesses, PTD and death. it does not have high sum assured but that is not my concern cos i have other policies from other Insurance companies to take care of it, so long as i know what i bought and what are my protections. it is important to be insured, insurance can act as savings, protection and as an investments, you will never know what can happen to you.


i am still not hearing any news from little sister. i am so worried about her. i don't know what could be wrong. she's not usually like this. she has not sms me and emailed me and there's no way i can find out what's wrong with her unless her mother calls me. she told me that her mum keeps my number for emergency. i am trying to think straight now and i will not let any negative thoughts take control of my emotions. she was hospitalised last few weeks cos the doctor wanted to take a sample of her blood and i am not sure if she is hospitalised again because of that this week. i just wish she is doing great and nothing bad has happened to her.

i am going skating tomorrow with designer again and it might be in the morning after i visit my brother's grave. we might be skating for 10 km this time under the hot sun. i got to bring my windbreaker and a cap. designer still can't skate at full speed cos she has yet to master the correct techniques. i might be leaving her far behind but i will keep a look out on her. it's good to skate when you already know how. you can feel the wind hitting your face and the adrenalin rush as you overtake the other skaters smoothly. it's really fun and exciting. i might be enrolling myself into the class soon to learn other skating techniques and skills. i have to wait until Ramadan is over though.

aramis text me again and i replied her after 24 days of silence. i didn't say any lovey dovey things in my message. i was being blunt and straightforward but i didn't sound rude or angry. i answered her with short and sharp answers. i just want to let it be. the main thing to do now is to protect my interest, everything else does not matter when it comes to her cos i know she can be selfish and amazingly insensitive. i don't want to hold grudges anyway and it's not good to remain silent with her for a long time.

i think she has got my message that i have become tired of her. i don't know. she thinks what she wants to think. i have nothing much to say anymore. you know diary, it is unbelievable how some people can take things for granted so much that they are becoming heartless, selfish prick. they only think of themselves and disregard other people's feelings and views. you try hard to understand and give in to them because you love them but they just wouldn't listen and understand. they don't see what you are going through because they refuse to open their eyes to see and feel. and after awhile, when you have realised how they have taken advantage of you, you start to stay away and ignore them. they noticed it and they asked you why and they apologised. it is always so simple with them. one apologies after another and they expect everything to go back to square one. well they can kiss my ass goodbye if that's what they think. there are times when you can forget and forgive but it's not that simple especially when our own interests are at stake. i have been forgiving and forgetting but let me tell you something diary, it sure feels good to get back sometimes. i guess that's when they came up with the saying, don't get mad, get even. this is what it's all about. talk to you later again diary...

memories live on...

dear diary, according to the calendar it is 14 more days to aidilfitri and my family has not made any grand preparation for it. i spent the weekend helping my mum cleaned the kitchen. we rearranged the glasswares and cutleries and we threw away all those unused and unwanted tablewares. it was very tiring and confusing cos i think mum has got many tupperwares than tablewares. she's just so crazy about tupperwares that i reminded her not to buy anymore. it's taking up a lot of space and we almost run out of it.

mum said that she wants to bring over most of the tablewares and tupperwares back to our house in malaysia once it is ready. the house project is still put on hold pending further plannings and negotiations. it has been her dream to build a house there. the land is inherited from my late grandma and it is divided into 4 plots. mum got her share and she's been saving to have a house there.

it all started from grandma, when she asked mum to have a house built there. grandma said that if mum does not build a house there, she will never set her foot there in the future. it's true to some extent because the house left by grandma after she died has been taken over by my greedy auntie. it was pathetic, i still remember the surprised we had when we came home to visit grandma's cemetery. we got to grandma's place at 3 in the morning and we were welcomed by a motorcycle parked in the house when we opened the door. we were all shocked and dumbfounded only to realised that the house late grandma left was rented out by my auntie without our knowledge. she didn't even have the decent courtesy to let us know. we had nowhere to go so we just explained to the tenant and we slept in the kitchen. i felt so humiliated.

i was more dissapointed than surprise because my auntie, an educated woman with good background would do such a thing and it's all about wealth. it's sad because in the event of someone else's death, fighting over his/her estate is something disgraceful and despicable. since then, mum and mak utih are determine to build a house there of their own. there is no place for us to seek shelter anymore when we come home and building a house of our own is the only option. i used to hear grandma said that no matter how small or big the land is, no matter how rich or poor a man is, no matter how old or new a house is, to live in his own home on his own plot of land is something that everybody must achieved. somehow, i guess she is right. there is nothing greater than to have something your own that you have work hard to achieve.

grandma has been living alone since she got divorced from grandpa. she went back to her hometown in muar and settled there alone. she made her own living selling clothes and jewellery to villagers. she was so independent and strong-willed. i have heard that she was very thrifty and she saved hard on every penny she earned. she was a small time businesswoman, trading and doing business based on guts and instincts with sincerity and honesty as principles. she had no proper educational certificates nor did she has any business background but she still made it regardless of her shortcomings. what even impresses me is she could afford to buy a piece of land with her own hard earned money. this woman is amazing. she is what we call today the iron lady with extraordinary women power. i admire her guts and glory, i admire her strengths and will and most of all i admire her perseverance and determination. she is definitely one woman i will look up to for motivations and inspirations.

it was a sad weekend when i helped mum cleaned the kitchen. we cleaned the kitchen thoroughly and most of my late brother's medicines were kept in a big container in the kitchen. there was a packet of nestum mum bought for him just days before his death. it was unopened and still kept in the plastic bag from the supermarket. he couldn't eat anymore solid food so mum bought the nestum for him. when we were cleaning, we came upon the packet of nestum and mum cried when she saw it. she told me she had bought it for him but he left too soon. i tried so hard to hold back my tears, i didn't want to cry infront of my mum. i didn't feel good crying with her because i know she is coping with his death too and how can i cry when i am expected to be the strong one?

it's so heartbreaking and so sad. i try not to think about it but missing him and thinking about him is undeniable. he's a part of me and i know he is alive in me. i will have to live on without him and i know i will cry for him every now and then till i breath my last breath. i am working hard to achieve my goals for a better and comfortable future. i am sure my brother will like it and encourage me to work even harder. that's what he would do for me. i know that my success will be his success too and i will try to hear his voice whenever i am down because it gives me strength and most of all comfort that i have always missed since he was gone. please God, blessed me and my hard work for a better tomorrow in duniawi and ukhrawi...for myself and for all my loved ones...

who's the judge...?

dear diary, it rained in the afternoon again and my fingers almost got numbed. some lunatic moron turned the air conditioner to full blast and i was freezing! it was so cold i felt i was in the refrigerator at the freezer compartment. i almost fell asleep just now but i managed to stay awake by excusing myself to the toilet to wash my face with ice cold water every 30 minutes.

i missed the singapore idol on TV last night but i didn't miss The OC. singapore idol is not in my favourite tv program list, therefore, it's no surprise if i had miss it. the competition is getting tense and crucial as there are only 6 idols wannabe left and they are considered to be the best to have managed to remain in it this far. however, i do have my own reservations about all these idols craze. the best might not be crowned as the singapore idol because this competition is all about the people's choice. you stay because of the number of votes you receive and to secure the highest number of votes is to be likable to the mass; the public. some people have the cut, good quality voice, good looks and versatile but there's just something about them the public doesn't like and they get eliminated because the votes are not coming in for them. ironic isn't it? back at the american idol, i remember Simon Cowell said that this competition is about your voice quality, doesn't matter how you look like. it's a singing competition, what else do you look for if not for good powerful vocal that can deliver any songs in a singing competition? that's the norm but when the results depend very much on the discretion of the public, then anything can happen. these idols wannabe will eventually have their own followers and fans. the more fans they have, the more number of votes they will get. if the public decide that an idol wannabe is not friendly or does not appear appealing to them, obviously votes will not be coming in for that particular idol. in my opinion, singaporeans cannot become good outstanding singers like the indonesian or phillipino or any other asian countries that is popular in producing singer with powerful vocal chord. looking back at Asia Bagus, some of you might remember this program which was hosted by Najib Ali and Tomoko (If i got the name right). i hardly remember contestants from singapore who had powerful voice that we can be proud of. the very first grand final top prize was awarded to the infamous 'Construction site', the singapore rap group which did not make it big after winning it. Kris Dayanti of indonesia was beaten by merely 1 point but looking at her achievements and success now, we might have thought she holds first place. singapore is definitely not a place where you can sing full time to make a living. the market is small and it's not encouraging. english is the national language and singaporeans would rather buy an english album from international artist than an english album sung by a local artist. that is just how people think over here. even if the album is in another language which can be appealing to the local market, still it is hard to sell. i am really wondering what will happen to the singapore idol after winning the title. can he or she survive by singing in singapore or their fate will be the same with 'construction site' that seems not constructing anymore? i do not know. it is hard to predict since things are often changing, but i doubt the winner can have his cake and eat it. the life of the singapore idol will change but i don't think it's going to be permanent unless she/he moves to a country where she/he is sure to be successful.

i went to Levis just now and wanted to buy the denim shirt i told you about. i went to wisma atria levis counter but they didn't have my size anymore and so i went to takashimaya and no they didn't have my size too. i asked the sales person to check with their other boutique but most of them did not have my size or that model anymore. it's difficult because it's an old stock. it's denim Type 1 sleeveless shirt that comes in 3 colours but i only like the darker blue and they didn't have that in my size anymore. they only have large and it's too big for me. they have S for the other colours but i prefer the darker blue cos i think it looks more outstanding. i look nice in them. i am not sure if i want to go to the other boutique and find out. the sales staff was not very helpful and did not volunteerily call many of the boutiques to ask. he wasn't busy when i came and that really turned me off. i had to ask him to make the call to the selected boutiques without him having the initiatives. i couldn't stay long anyway so i left in a hurry. i am still contemplating to buy or not to buy. i am sure if i really search for it, i will find it somewhere here in singapore. i might have to make a stop at Centrepoint later and check the levis boutique there. i hope they have it cos i still need to get a haircut and do my laundry. gosh, i have so many things to do later on. i might be skating tonight if it doesn't rain with hulk. he told me he has started to practice skating but he still has yet to learn how to glide. he only practiced for 30 minutes alone and having been skating for some time now, i know he will not be able to learn fast. it could be because of ramadan that he has slowed down, otherwise he should be able to glide already by now. everybody seem tired and weak and worse of all lazy. i must drink more water today, i have not been drinking a lot of water and i don't want to get dehydrated. i have to buy some milk from 7-11 or cold storage on my way home.

i received a hari raya card from pumpkin yesterday. she's nice to me and i think i might fall for her anytime soon. she seems caring and sincere. she calls me, she sms me, she chats with me and she send me a card. aramis always promise to send me gifts but she never did. she always makes me wait and hope for things that never going to happen. she always gives me empty promises that only bring more miseries to my soul. she was missing from my life for 3 years and she came back only to hurt me even more. i often wonder why did i fall for her knowing that it will only bring more pain and sufferings. i smile at that question, that's the only thing i can afford to do. it helps me heal a bit...

live to tell...

Dear diary, I am not sure if we are into the monsoon season here but it has been raining almost everyday and night. Getting the clothes to dry can be quite difficult especially when you have a lot of laundry to do. The festive season is coming and the existing curtains and bed sheets have to be washed and cleaned. All those add up to the amount of laundry I have to do this few weeks. It?s only sunny in the morning before 12 noons but I have always missed it because I am not a morning person. I usually wake up at 9 and by the time the washing machine stops spinning it will be 9.45 which leave me with merely 2.5 hours to put the morning sun to use which is an insufficient amount of time to dry the clothes. I have been doing my family's laundry every fortnight and I hang them to dry indoors usually.

It helps a bit cos I do my own personal laundry every Friday night and I need the space to dry my clothes outdoor. I never let anyone do my laundry because I don't trust them to handle my clothes. Even the maid was not allowed to wash my clothes. If there were anything that I will never let anyone do, it would be doing my own personal laundry. I go out 5-6 times a week and I dress up to occasions. I don't wash my clothes immediately after use instead I gather them in a laundry basket and wash them altogether on a weekly basis. I don't mix my own clothes with the others.

It is just a principle I have about my belongings. I am not sure but I guess that is how I was brought up. I am the only girl and growing up with 3 boys, wait a minute, it's 2 actually, yes, growing up with 2 boys mom has always separated and differentiated my belongings from my brother's. I am the obedient child and follows what mum told me to do. I only eat my share of food and drink my share of water. I only use my stationeries and never took from by brothers. Simply said, I never like to use things that belong to others and I expect people to be like that too. I wouldn't say that I am selfish but I hate to lend my stuffs to people. I would rather buy them the stuffs with my own money than having them to borrow from me. It?s a bit crazy but it's the truth.

I remember when I was 8 years old, a friend always had to borrow my sharpener, I didn't like it but I lent it to her anyway with conditions that she use it with proper care and return it to me immediately after use. I often nagged at her for not having her own sharpener, as it was not an expensive thing to buy beyond our 8 years old pocket money. At one time, she got uncomfortable with my constant nagging that she stopped borrowing from me. I felt bad but what can I do what can I say? In my opinion, if a thing is as important as eating and drinking, why can't we all make an effort to make it readily available for our own convenience? I may be right, but situations and circumstances have to be taken into considerations here. I didn't know her family background. At one time, we were chit chatting with each other, and she told us spontaneously that her family sleeps at night without shutting the main door. She continued telling us that they had to leave the door open in order to feel the wind because they didn't have a fan. I remain silent and I thought to myself how thoughtless I had been. I gave her my sharpener the next day hoping that it would make her day brighter than usual.

I have changed a little ever since. I started to share my food and drinks, I have started to become sensitive towards other people's shortcomings but still I am particular about lending people my favourite stuffs. I don't think I would lend my mini disc, my inline skate, my palm top, my watches or my clothes to people. I mean, I am not stingy but there are some valuable belongings of mine which I have to keep private don't I and people just have to respect that, like it or not.

You know what I have been thinking all afternoon diary? I have been thinking about this girl I tried to woo when I was in secondary two. She was a Sikh and she immediately caught my attention when I first laid my eyes on her. She was pretty, sharp nose, hazel brown eyes, and flawless skin, natural brown hair. You know how those south Indian girls can look like right? Gosh, they are simply gorgeous; I think they are naturally outstanding than those fake Hollywood actresses. I did get her name but it was such a difficult name to remember. I always tried to get her attention whenever I can. She was the school's councilor and I purposely became the regular latecomers just so I could have a one to one interaction with her. Being so close with her gave me the cold hands and my heart always seemed to beat faster than usual. She is just the one woman I adore.

Her looks are magnificent and it could drown out all the other beauties. She is simple but I am sure if she has learnt how to dress up and apply some make up, she will be a drop dead gorgeous babe! I wanted to be close with her, I wanted to be her friend so that I can know what are her favourite drinks and what are her favourite food but I had to change to a new school when I entered secondary 3 and it broke my heart. I never saw her again and I do wonder sometimes, if she would have remembered me like how I am remembering her. We did talk to each other and exchanged smiles but those were just about it. I was not given the opportunity, she was friendly though and she was not selective in making friends. She talked to me without failing to smile.

You know diary, sometimes, when you come across a girl that you like, you really want to touch her and hold her. You started to imagine she was in your arms, it's a good feeling until you realised that it's hard with a lot of obstacles because you are simply a lesbian, which the society shuns. I guess, the hardest part for a lesbian is to watch someone she admires so passionately in the arms of another man. That?s when we know how tough life can be for us. It?s sad when the people you admire and adore cannot accept what you are. Some of us are lucky to be able to turn straight girls into bisexuals but some of us are not. I never tried to hit on straight girls before. It?s just something I don't believe in. my x-gfs have mostly been lesbians naturally without being influenced. There?s only one person whom I have never consider as a genuine lesbian. She seemed lost in her true identity and doesn't know whom she really wants to love. Always making excuses for her mistakes and very emotionally disturbed most of the times. I don't know if she was using that to attract attention because she seemed to cry easily with me during our courting times. It was like she did what she did to have sympathy with what she has gone through in the past.

Honestly, she got my sympathy and my love but it was somebody else that she loved. I was just there to fill up her time and got her attentions diverted for a while from the girl. We do not talk anymore because she thinks I am superficial and I think she is emotional. One man's meat maybe another man's poison. It?s impossible to please everybody and we must always remember that we only have one life to live so make the best out of it. For people to like and hate us, always think that it's bound to happen because we humans will never be perfect for everyone. Think that even our Prophet had enemies let alone us. I never let anymore of such things bother me because I have learnt that trying hard to please everybody is the first step to failure because it is impossible.

Little sister is still silent without any news. I am beginning to get worried and negative about things. All the emails I sent her are not replied and I really hope this silent from her is because of the transplant and not because of anything else. I am just afraid if I have said something wrong that makes her stay away from me. I really don't know what could be the problem except for the transplant. Where could she be diary? I miss her so much and I hope she knows it. There?s no fun without her in my life. It?s been more than a month and how much longer is it? If the transplant seems to be successful without any complications, I heard that it only takes 2-3 weeks before the patient could come out of the clean room. But I don't know the situation now with little sister. There?s no news, no emails, no sms, no phone calls no nothing from her. Please god, make her safe and help her heal. She?s young and she has so much to look for in her life. Give her a chance...please.

Diary, I am contemplating on whether or not should I buy this shirt that I have been eyeing. It?s Levis and I like it very much. I have a strong feeling that I might get it anytime soon. I know myself and if I want something I will get it. It?s denim and it's nice, been eyeing on it for a long time but I have been putting the idea aside that I actually forgot abt it until last night. I went to orchard last night alone for a while. I just went to wisma atria and takashimaya. Many shops were having sale and surprisingly I didn't buy anything at all. There were a few tops that I liked but thinking back of how many tops I have bought this year made me put them back to where they belonged.

Furthermore, they didn't have something different. They are all of the same pattern with different design. I wanted something rugged but trendy, something simple but stylish, not something common where you can see everyday. You know, I think I really should get that Levis top. It?s worth it, I just don't know when to get it but I must get it before this Saturday though so that leaves me with only tonight and tomorrow. I want to wear it on Saturday night to geylang serai. We will be going there for dinner and do some hari raya shopping. I am sure geylang will be crowded this Saturday. It?s end of month and it falls on Saturday. People have every good reason to visit geylang. We are going dinner to this newly opened restaurant, which has received a lot of publicity due to its tremendous advertising campaigns. It?s always like that with newly opened restaurants during Ramadan. People flocking in non-stop like there's no tomorrow. My family has been trying to book a table since last month but we were always told that it's fully booked. I wonder if it can survive after Ramadan cos newly opened restaurants in geylang serai are known to be popular during Ramadan but will eventually closed down after that due to poor response from the public. That is why they say; things are hot when they are new.

geylang serai is not popular as it is during Ramadan. It?s the Malay kampong Singaporeans call it, but it's just in the name. It doesn't have any big names shopping centre that can attract tourist and Singaporeans from all walks of life to visit geylang on regular days. Unlike, Mohd Mustafa and Samsuddin Company in little India, geylang serai has nothing similar or as good as that. Therefore, even good restaurants find it hard to survive in geylang off Ramadan. Sometimes, I wish the Malay society would have an entrepreneur who thinks big and different like Mohamad Mustafa and Samsuddin so that we can have a tall building standing proud in the heart of mind you, not Orchard road but Geylang Serai and attract all the tourist, foreigners and Singaporeans from all walks of life and races to give geylang serai a totally new vibrant environment.

no woman no cry...

dear diary, i got into IRC last night out of boredom and saw pumpkin. i chatted for 5 minutes with her and she logged out. i never had this feeling with chatter before you know. i always have something to talk about, something to chat about, but nowadays, i always run out of topics to discuss. i have become very quiet and extremely laid back. i just hope i am not turning into a lazy good for nothing piece of shit. but then again, maybe it is just with pumpkin. when i got to know her, i wasn't trying to woo or to impress her that much. we got to know each other casually. none of us had any intentions of looking for that someone to fill up the space in our life. furthermore, whenever i communicate with her, i feel that pumpkin and i have unwritten mutual agreement not to talk about relationships and romance.

even during the times i met her, it was just simple casual fun talk about ourselves. our conversations are always restricted to mature adult talks which don't involve intimacy. i am not quite sure why. honestly, i find it rather boring but i still want to get to know her more. i know there are lots about her which i haven't know. you know diary, when i met her, i wanted to hug her, cos she looks adorable. i just want to feel her meat pressed against my body. you know, it's nothing like sexual fantasies, i am not a sex maniac but i just want to hug a 'wholesome' person. you get what i mean? she's shorter than me, and she's fleshy and she looks adorable and her appearance is very inviting to hugs and kisses.

well never mind, i know we are still going to keep in touch, there's always a time for me to get up close and personal with her. she kissed me on my cheeks virtually last night before turning in to bed. i kissed her back. it's so funny, don't know if we are able to do that for real. i miss her company sometimes. she invited me over to her house on Syawal. i am not sure if i can make it. but i would really love to meet her again. i just want to spend quality time with her in person without anyone else. she brought her sister on our first date, so it's quite awkward with less privacy.

oh yes, talking about women, aramis texted me last night. i was contemplating on whether or not to reply which eventually i did. we exchanged news having her doing most of the talking instead of me. it's totally the opposite now. i am playing safe and i am holding back whatever feelings i have for her. she told me she misses me very much. i didn't say anything to that. i don't know what to say anymore everytime she said that to me. i answered her with extremely short simple answers. i didn't elaborate on my answers like i usually did. i didn't do it on purpose nor do i think it was payback time, it just happened and then i knew that i am treating her on a different level now and i assumed she knows it too.

a man got to do what a man got to do. i still love her but i will not commit anymore only until i am assured it's going to work. i hope she will take good care of herself because deep down inside my heart i still have a soft spot for her and i know it will remain there till i die cos she is one of those few who have left footprints in my life and holds the key to my heart. what happens in the future is not for me to decide, but i hope she will be a part of me in my life journey. i miss you very much aramis and i love you so much, it's undeniable...got to go diary, talk to you later. take care.

yellow woman...

dear diary, it is a very sleepy day for me. i have been yawning every 5 minutes and it is not stopping. my back body is aching. i think it is most probably due to the clothes i hanged outside the window with the bamboo pole. it required a lot of strength to carry it in and out. the weekend was good but tiring. a lot of my energy was consumed as we are in the process of spring cleaning the house. relocating, removing and rearranging of the furnitures were done on the weekend and i am so tired. i didn't do much to my room although it looks more spacious and neat now.

it was neat last time but it is even neater now cos my brother gave me his mini shelve and a full body mirror with 6 spacious compartment at the back of it which allows me to put my bags and all those little small things that has been hanging from a hanger in my room. it sure helps my room look tidy. i just need to wipe all the dust away from the mirror. it's so dusty and i couldn't have a clearer view of myself when i look at it. i still have some changes that i want to make to my room but i will do it when i have the time. i just thought of having my hiking and leisure photos up on the wall cos the wall on the left is empty. it would be a good idea to do that. i need to buy the big styrofoam and start decorating it soon if i want it up before syawal.

oh diary i have to tell you this, i didn't go to watch serena bath last week cos i was busy removing the furnitures. my brother went and he told me that it might not be serena after all. what i meant was serena might be a male kitten and so the name has to go. the breeder told us that he brought serena to the vet for the vaccination and even the vet couldn't tell the gender, it's not shown clearly yet so we have to wait for a couple of weeks till serena grows bigger. oh yes, my brother told me that she has grown bigger then the first time we saw her. i told you diary, rag dolls can grow and when i say grow i really mean it. i have decided that if it is really going to be a male, then he is going to be Hang Tuah. classic name isn't it? i like to give my pets exotic and classic names.

it adds character to the pets themselves. one of the breeder's Singapura cat is named Sang Nila Utama. cool huh? the cattery we are engaging is called Temasek cattery and every kitten's/cat's name from the cattery will start with 'Temasek', in my case if it's a male, it will be Temasek Hang Tuah, or if it's female, it will be Temasek Serena Myra. after awhile i think i want it more to be a male than female. I will call him Tuah. he's going to be a big boy. male rag dolls can grow into the size of a dog. i want him to be fat, and sturdy. i want him to be naughty and active. but he loves to bite and everytime i play with him, he will bite my hand. the vet said that he will most probably be a male so that means, we are all going to be happy cos male rag dolls tail can be very fluffy!! i think he's the handsome Hang Tuah. hehehehe....

oh you know what diary? the actress called me on saturday when i least expected her to call. she took me by surprise. we didn't talk long though cos she had to put down the phone since her friend is calling. at least she's quite thoughtful and call me sometimes. i have known people who always expect incoming phone calls but never making an effort to call back. i have learnt my lessons and i have stopped making long distance calls anymore but i still do to some who deserve it. yellow sent me an sms at 2 am last night. she said she was looking at my pictures and was feeling a little sentimental. she said she misses me very much. i replied her back but only this morning. yellow is a nice person. i think she is the only one i know who does not carelessly offend others. she's usually careful and always mind her own business.

she's a bit of the odd one usually in our group in terms of dressing up cos as far as i know shedoesn't dress up. but i like her way and she's somebody who can be your good friend in times of need. i remember those times when i was still with her. it was fun and we worked at our relationship together. it was not just a one sided love affair and hardwork. we both played a part in it and that's the good thing abt it. i still remember how i broke up with her and i knew i was cruel. she was so nice to me, she loved me unconditionally but i was just too plain stupid. i would describe her as an x gf who would do almost anything for me. she came to my life and i sent her away. i still feel sorry for her and i hope she understands why i did what i did. we are still friends and we are still on talking terms.

i hope it will remain that way. yellow has come a long way, she has a stable career now and live on her own away from her parents just like what she has always wanted. i remember she told me she had to log out immediately cos she would be ashamed towards her mother if she cried in the hall. i was speechless at that moment. if only i could be there and hold her to make her feel better. time passes by so quickly and both of us have moved on now. i still meet her occassionally and i have noticed that she has grown into a woman. i wish her all the best and hope she will achieve what she has always wanted to.

hulk and i are planning to go back to our mountaineering days. i miss those days very much. i wouldn't say i have retired from it but i took a very long time off and now have decided to become an active small time mountaineer again. we are planning to get away on weekends to Johor to climb gunung berlumut. i have climbed the mountain before but it was 6 years ago. it was fun and i enjoyed it very much. the mountain was more difficult to climb than ophir and panti also in johor. it was very steep and it even gets steeper when you are near the summit. you have to climb the mountain with both your legs and hands, just like what you would do when you are climbing a ladder. it is literally steep and you only have the natural roots and branches of the trees to hold on to.

besides that, the roots and branches can be slippery from the mud. it is really a muddy mountain i guess that's where the name derived from. it will be a test for me cos i ave not climbed for more than 6 years and this is a good time for me to check on my stamina. i have not been climbing but i have been active in other sports, like skating which is a good form of cardiovascular exercise. let's just pray that things will be fine. i am thinking of asking my brother to join. i am sure he's going to like it.

we are family....

Dear diary, I broke fast with my dad last night. Mum didn't cook cos she had night class so dad bought take away. He bought plenty of food till I had to tell him to watch his buying habit. He is always like that when it comes to Ramadan. He has a big family and so there will be many varieties of food served on the table. He got used to it so much that he carried the habit with him after marriage. It?s bad because we don't have big family like him and we have less people at home now since my brother's death, there isn't anyone who can finish up all the food he bought. I tidied the kitchen after that it was a big mess. We are having some contractors coming in tomorrow morning to change the kitchen windows. It?s about time to change it anyway, the government has issued a memorandum to all owners to change the windows to safe approved ones cos there have been many cases of windowpanes falling mostly due to wear and tear. Some of the cases were fatal.

I watched THE OC last night at the hall. I was interrupted when my brother came home. He bought some furniture from IKEA and I ended up helping him to carry it to his room. He's taking over the room previously belonged to my late second brother. I went to bed early last night after THE OC and I was woken up by loud bang at home. It was my brother. He was fixing his new furniture and he did some hammering. I couldn't believe it because it was 1 in the morning. I went to his room and told him off. He continued hammering, and then it was mum's turn and I took the opportunity to vent out my anger and yelled at him to shut the fuck up before he wakes up the whole neighbourhood. It was unbelievable. It's so thoughtless of him. My brother can be uninhibited most of the times and it creates inconveniences to others. I wonder what was he thinking at that time. It's not like he's retarded or autistic, he is an ordinary man with the capability to think. He is rushing to get the room ready before shawal and I guessed he overlooked the time.

My youngest brother has not called or visited us at home. It's always like that with him. He only visits and calls home when he is in need of help. He?s not that detach nor attach to us. I can understand that since he was brought up my by relatives on dad's side. I wonder how would it be if he had stayed with us. Would it make any difference? Up till today I still detest what has been done. I am angry sometimes but I don't know to whom should I let it out. According to mum, it was my grandfather's wish before he died. It was written in his will that my youngest brother was to live with my grandmother. He wrote the will without even taking into consideration what my mum would feel having her son taken away from her without her approval. I am so angry till today that I have this deep feelings of hatred towards my dad's relatives. A son was taken away from her and now a son has left her for a bigger world. She has lost 2 sons in her life. All that she is left with are my eldest brother, my dad and myself. What they did to her was unfair. Of course my dad was fine with the decision because it was his family.

I am sure that he would reject fully to the idea if it were my mum's relatives who wanted to take my brother away but I knew my mum's relatives are not heartless and insensitive like my dad's. I never like dad's relatives. I never respect them. They have always been selective of which niece and nephew to love. It?s like buying shushis, where you pick and choose. I knew what they think of us when we were young. We were ridiculed, we were badmouthed, we were hated, we were cast away, damn those people. If I had a gun, I would have shot them one by one. Bloody pricks! My second late brother was the one grandma hated the most. He was naughty when he was a child and she couldn't stand him. She often said openly how she hated him. I was young at that time, I knew what was being said, I knew what was being told but I was not brought up to be rude to the elders. I kept quiet not defending my brother. None of us were the favourites among the aunties and uncles. We didn't want to anyway. My youngest brother was the favourite among them.

He was praised, he was loved, he was showered with gifts, he was treated like a king and it is all because my grandmother took care of him so he was considered as one of them, never mind who his biological parents were. We were not treated like him because to them we were different. I swear to god if they ever treated us the same now like how they treated us then, I would give each and every one of them a tongue bashing they will never forget in their entire life, after that I will give a spit at their ugly faces. Not all of them are bad of course. I am just angry diary, most of them hated my mother so much that they not only ignored and looked down on her but they ill talk about her parents as well. What did her parents ever do to them? They think that they are of higher status than my mum; they think they are of a better race than my mum. It?s a shame really it is. They are all living in their past glories. I better stop now diary, talking about them makes me tense.

I think I have to go watch Serena shower tomorrow. I am not sure if my brother had made an arrangement with the breeder. We are supposed to watch how Serena baths so that we will learn how to bath her when she comes live with us. I have bathed many cats before but I guess this time I will learn the proper technique. She is so cute; I think she has grown bigger if I am going to see her tomorrow. Rag dolls grow fast and they can be quite playful. Serena loves to bite, I chose her because she was the only kitten that bit my hand when I wriggled my finger infront of her. Gosh, her blue eyes are so beautiful her white fur is fluffy. I can't wait to bring her home but I have to wait till it's 15th of November as she will be 3 months old by then. I think Serena suits her cos she's pretty and Serena is a pretty name too. I gave her a second name as well. Serena is the first name and I hope my dad can pronounce her name easily. Dad always has difficulty in pronounciations. He?s cute like a humpty dumpty. Big fat belly and bald. I poke his stomach sometimes teasing him. My late brother would join me too.

It was fun last time but now, I feel that I have lost more than just a brother. The good times we shared together growing up under one roof. I teased him and how he teased me back. Growing up with my brothers made me become rough and tough. I love rugged activities and sports, which few girls take up. I was the school sprinter in my primary school and almost got selected to represent the national team; I played netball in secondary school and was selected to be in the school team when I back out just because I hate the coach. I admit that I was stupid but I was 13 years old and full of anger, besides she happened to be my geography teacher who always picked on me. I got involved in mountaineering in my early youth and I climbed most of the popular mountains in Malaysia. I canoed from island to island and I skate from one residential area to another. I prefer to be rugged than lady like but yet feminine. There are many privileges when you are a woman and I don't wish to lose them. I just want to be myself without having to lose my originality, you know that I have always believe in originality because originality never goes out of style.

i talk a lot...

dear diary, there will be The OC on TV tonight and i cannot wait to watch it. it has moved to a new time slot at 10 pm after the last episode of The Apprentice which was aired last week. it's good so that i won't have to stay up late at night to catch it anymore. with the new time slot, i'll be able to sleep early.

how are you diary? is everything ok? this year's hari raya is going to be celebrated with less excitement. i can sense it from now. there's no talk about cooking, baking, shopping and celebrating. i haven't even got myself a pair of new clothes. it will be the first aidilfitri without my brother. i guess we are just going to celebrate aidilfitri moderately to respect his departure. i know everybody miss him and aidilfitri is the time when we will reminisce about the ones we have lost so dearly and this is the time when his loss will be deeply felt in our hearts. he will always be remembered.

i have not heard from little sister till today and i am beginning to worry. she told me she gave my number to her mum in case of emergency. there's no call or sms from her mum, i guess she's alright. it's really been a long time and i hope this silence is because of the transplant and not anything else. i hope she is safe and sound.

i am going night skating next saturday with skateline. we will leave from bishan park and skate to potong pasir and then back to bishan park. it's about 12 km journey. i suggest to the rest of my friends to skate back home from bishan since it's about 15km journey. they agree and i am very excited about it. i have yet to buy safety light for my left skate and i will buy it soon before the event. i have told hulk about it but he seemed disinterested to participate, probably because he has not learnt how to skate yet. well, yeah, to go long distance skating, you need to have acquired the basic skills.

i hope he learns fast. teaching him will surely reminds me of the time i just started to learn inline skating. it was funny thinking back. i have always wanted a pair of inline skate since i was young. when i got myself one, i just skated and skated not thinking about anything else. to feel the wind in your face when you are literally on wheels is such a great feeling. sometimes i do feel like i am flying when i am skating. i don't do aggresive skating, it's not popular here although there are parks to cater the sports. i skate for fitness, speed and recreational.

i do some tricks but i don't do stunts. i figured that urban skating is fun because it helps improve my skating skills with the natural obstacles provided by the ready infrastructure. i need to get a pair of freestyle skate soon cos i think i am beginning to have interest in it. K2 does not have skate for freestyle so i guess i have to opt for Rosignol. i have a friend using Rosignol and he can do slalom so smoothly without the brake pad. i have not decided to take off my brake pad, most people who took off their brake pads either use T-Brake technique or power slide brake which can wear out the wheels. i might have to take it off if i want to do freestyle skating for convenience. enough about skate already...

i am missing aramis very much. sometimes i wonder how is she doing. i wanted to tell her how much i miss her but i just thought it would not be appropriate. she sent me a couple of sms these few days, but i just ignored them. well, it's better like that. i assume now she knows how it feels to send an sms without getting a reply from your loved ones. i hope she learns her lesson well. always taking without giving is not a good thing to practice. she should have realised that relationship requires more than just 'I love you forever'. it's a shame, it really is. i am so angry with her sometimes that i want to cut all ties with her but i know i can't, because i love her so much. i think she's the only woman that i have ever loved and still love so dearly. she is just one of a kind. when i was with russia, i can't get aramis out of my mind. the more i tried the more i thought of her. the feelings i have for her, is just undeniable. i have made her a part of me and it's difficult to forget someone that you have made your flesh and blood. it's impossible. i always have this dream of living together with her but i know it's just a dream that will not come true.

we have this very strange relationship of 5 years. lost and found, broken and patch, wasted and wounded but never forgotten, there is like a strong magnet between the two of us, we don't repel instead we just get attach tightly and there's no other force greater than our love could separate us both. we may live in a distance but we feel each other's presence deep down in our hearts. she is so mysterious and i have never come across any girl like her before. i wrote two poems for her, it's what i really feel about her, about us. it's hard to explain to people. i really have to make people understand otherwise they would think i am just wasting my time. i miss her diary, i keep thinking about her everyday. i wanted things to be like before but i am afraid. i am afraid that i will hurt again which i know i will. it's difficult when she is there and i am here. whenever i heard about penang, it will always reminds me of her. whenever i see a black two door Toyota Rav 4, it will make me think of her, wherever i go, whatever i do and everything i see will remind me of her. i know i love her still but i can only do it from a distance.

have i told you about the actress diary? she seems nice and i think i get along fine with her. i wish i could spend more time with her. she might be back to JB for aidilfitri, if she calls me, i will offer to meet her in jb, i am sure she will like it. we are of the same age and i guess we share the same wavelength and always on the same frequency. she's not untidy which impresses me very much. i have this thing about untidy people. i rather go for simple than untidy girls.

untidy girls just turn me off most of the times. sometimes, it's not about the looks you know diary? it has always been about your personality and how you carry yourself. having interesting personality and knowing how to carry oneself in any situations are traits not many people are blessed with. we have to work at it to perfection. oh well, it's not easy to please everybody anyway, i guess sometimes we just have to fuck it. i've seen beauty and the beast many times before, therefore it boost my belief that personality, charm and charisma are all that matters.

i sent russia a registered card just now by mail. it's her birthday soon and i didn't want to be accused for forgetting it or ignoring it. she gave me a teddy bear on my birthday. i still keep it. i hate teddy bears actually, i think they are for sissies and i hate flowers too. but i do keep them when someone present them to me. however, eventually you will have to throw the flowers away.

i wrote my thoughts down diary. it's my 14th and i still want to write some more. i love writing you know. i can write without stopping but i know it's ludicrous. i miss my good friends in malaysia. i miss them so much. i think i will only mingle with them once i am there. you know how i am with strangers don't you? i am not proud but i am just reserved and hate attentions. i prefer quiet but precious companies. i prefer quality friends than quantity. i can go out alone, watch movie alone, eat alone, sleep alone. i like to do things alone unless i have a girlfriend. but i do go out with my close friends sometimes. it will only be the 2 or 3 of us. i hate to go out with more than 5 people. it's a crowd and i hate to be in a crowd.

i am tired diary. i need to go. take care ok.

mood is gone...

dear diary, it's been a long day. i kept looking at the watch but i didn't find it go any faster at all. i am tired, sleepy, hungry and thirsty. i need to buy another safety light for my left skate. i hope they still have some in stock. i cannot write much. i am not in the mood. i miss little sister, aramis and my brother, i miss them all so very much. i love them with all my heart. later diary

go skaters go...

Dear diary, I spent my weekends mostly at home cleaning and doing the laundry. There?s always lots of laundry to do on weekends. I usually wash my clothes for the week every weekend and my parents and brother's clothes add up to it. It was the usual weekend for me. Staying at home bumming and, unwind and relax. I accompanied Hulk to get a pair of inline skate on Sunday after I went grocery shopping with dad. I think he's the fourth one that I have influenced to buy a pair of inline skates.

Hulk usually cycles when we skate and I think he doesn't want to be the odd one among us anymore; therefore he decided to get himself a pair. I brought him to the skate shop I frequent and he chose K2, which I would have recommended to him too. K2 is one of the most professional names in extreme sports and it is known to be the producer of its equipments. I prefer K2 because it has more stylish and attractive inline skates. Hulk got a good offer, which comes in package consisting of a pair of K2 inline skate with full set of protective gear and a helmet. I never had such package price when I first bought mine. I had to buy them separately and that made me jealous of the offer Hulk got.

I have to plan my schedule as Hulk requests for me to teach him to skate every weekend. I had to oblige. I can't wear my tights or shorts, as it is Ramadan now so I guess I have to settle for my track pants. I wouldn't want my parents to nag at me. I think this Saturday night is good to teach as he's not working and I hope it will not be raining. I can't wait to teach him and watch him fall. *Giggles* it would be entertaining to watch a Hulk fell, just pray that we will not be getting any earthquakes. I might as well ask designer to join us if she wants to since she is still not able to skate at full speed. Maybe I will call this Saturday night 'The Beginner's Night'.

I hope to make more friends with skaters in my neighbourhood so that we can form our own long distance night skate team. It is more convenient to have members from our own neighbourhood cos we can set out from same place altogether instead of having to meet at one point before setting out for the journey. I joined other organisations skating trip before and it was fun but the only inconvenience had to meet them at a meeting place far from my place. It required me to travel on foot as I have no personal transport and I have to carry bigger bag for my stuffs. To skate with a big bag is such an inconvenience.

I have registered with skate line for night skating at Bishan Park on the 30th October and I am actually thinking how am I supposed to get there without having to carry other stuffs. I could skate from my residence but I am not sure if the rest will agree cos it will take about 1 hour to get there at high speed and more than an hour for average speed skaters. I guess I just have to settle for slippers and carry my skate and the protective gear with the sling. Avoid bulky stuffs as much as possible. I need to get a safety light similar to my current one to attach it to my left skate, I couldn't find it on Sunday at the skate line, and I think they have sold it out.

You know diary, aramis text me and I didn't reply her. I didn't know what to say to her anymore. I am not taking her as an enemy but I need to protect myself. Ahh well, what the heck, Russia?s birthday is coming and I need to get her a card. I went to look for it but couldn't find any that suits. There are a couple of things I need to send her too. But I think I will wait till I meet her again, if we ever meet...I hate this thing actually. These entire loveys dovey stuffs are making me sick I feel like vomiting. But you know what, I have met a girl and I think I am attracted to her. I don't know diary, sometimes I feel like giving up my lesbian life altogether but then again, I dare not say it openly or I dare not become determine in doing it because I am afraid. I am positive I am not straight since the day I was born, and to be love and be in love is everybody's dream. What am I supposed to be if I cannot love a man and I cannot love a woman? The religion thingy is hitting on me and I am seeking refuge. Help me diary!

I still have not heard from little sister and it is making me feeling uneasy. I am positive that she has been hospitalised but I just couldn?t figure out why has she not contacting me. It couldn?t be that long could it? I watched a TV programme on TV1 and it showed the insights of leukemia and I got many informations from there. I know what is leukemia but I didn?t know the process of the operations and bone marrow transplant. I have got a clearer picture of it now and I hope she will recover fast and will be blessed with good health till eternity. I miss little sister so much?

it's here again...

dear diary, it is the second day of Ramadan today and the Muslims all over the world begin their day of fasting. mum woke us up at 5 today and i didn't have anything but just a glass of water. i should have drank milk but i forgot. mum told me last night to take care of my health. she advise me to have a glass of milk daily for calcium to have strong bones. she seems rather unusual lately since the death of my brother. she has been advising us more on matters concerning health and has shown great interest of where we are going to skate long distance. she never fail to remind us to watch out for traffic and be more careful on the road. i guess she does not want to lose anymore of her children.

losing a son is already too much for her. i understand her feelings. it is such a great loss to lose a son whom she has carried in her womb for nine months and nine days, whom she has watched him grow from a baby to a toddler, from a teenager to an adult. it is not easy to cope. he is gone now but his presence will still be felt by the people who have loved and love him still. his spirits will still live on and his courage will still be admired. the living ones may have grown old, may have got wrinkles on the face, but his memories will still remains deeply rooted in our hearts never fading away. for all the laughter and the joy, for all the sadness and the pain, we will carry on our humble lives with him in the background. he will not be erased, he will not be forgotten, he will be remembered till it's our turn to bid goodbyes.

mum said that she sometimes forgot that he has died and wanted to look for him only when she realised that he is gone and never coming back. i listened to her attentively and i tried to hold back my tears. it's painful diary, it hurts so much and i don't know when it will heal. i know everybody is missing him and we are all doing it in silence. we never talk about it not because we have forgotten but because we are afraid.

i have been missing aramis a lot and it's making me weak. i always thought about her. i wanted to tell her that i miss her but i am still angry with her. she has dissapoint me many times and i have been tolerating her. it's difficult to live life when you are missing someone that you cannot have. it's tough.

no long stories...

dear diary, it's been awhile. i have been tired nowadays i don't know why. i lack a lot of sleep and i have been finding time to catch up on all my lost sleep. how are you doing diary? i am fine over here just trying to get things done on schedule. little sister has not sent any news yet. i have strong feelings that she had her operation but i did not hear from her so i am just a bit worried. it's taking her a long time to get well after the operation. i don't know anybody who has had a bone marrow operation so i couldn't ask. i might have to check on some reading materials about it. i miss her so much. my world seems lonely without her. usually we would exchange news daily via email but now that she's gone, there's no more email from her. she must be in the hospital right now recuperating. pray for her diary...

russia called me 3 days ago and i was kind of surprised. didn't expect her to call. we never talked about us, instead it was just about the usual 'how are you?' kind of stuffs. she seemed to have understood what i really want. there is no more pushing and appeals anymore. i am glad that she has finally listen. it's better like this diary. she told me herself that she's gonna be 'naughty' until i am in KL for good and it would be awhile before i move there and i am tired of being told it's not convenient to talk almost everytime i called her. honestly, i am not sure if i love her cos i never get jealous of other girls being with her. i can be as cool as ice and i couldn't be bothered at all. she has told me the truth that she doesn't trust me and she always think that i didn't love her. so i guess, this decision of calling it off is a good thing. we are still on good talking terms though and i would like it to be this way. she's an adult and i guess both of us have reached that level of mutual maturity.

have i told you i bought a kitten? her name is Serena and she's coming home in november. i cannot wait for her to arrive. she's such a darling and very adorable. gosh, her face is so cute with her pair of blue eyes. i haven't taken care of her but i have missed her so much already.

i have to go diary, there's THE OC on tv now. furthermore, i am running out of idea of what to write. i need to take some vitamins to keep me going. i feel so weak and sleepy always. later diary take care.

not in my writing mood

dear diary, i cleaned my kitchen tonight and i am going skating later. my relatives came just now and i got busy a little. i can't write much cos i am tired. i think i have lost my passion for writing tonight. i hope it is just for tonight cos i want to continue writing. i need to go already. later...

serena is coming home....

dear diary, last weekend was busy and so i spent little time at home. i went for long distance skating on friday night and i got home at 330 am. i didn't go to bed instead i watched Beyond Borders on VCD which i had bought earlier. it was such a boring show. i didn't like it very much. i am not sure how to describe it but when i watched it, i feel like there was no connection between the story and i. i am not sure if my sleepiness had made me feel that way but i just didn't feel right when i watched it. it was a drama and i usually like drama but not this one. i found it to be a boring drama although i feel that the filmakers of that story had quite an important message to deliver; the less fortunate in undeveloped country. but still, i couldn't connect to the story, i couldn't feel it. i turned it off after watching 3/4 of it and went to bed. i was woken up by mum and i just remembered that i had to go to JB for some kenduri at my aunt's house. i also had an appointment with the actress.

i was not nervous in meeting her i didn't know why. i was mildly excited and i am beginning to wonder. we were supposed to meet at City Square at 2.30 pm but i called her and changed the location to Angsana. she came with two other persons whom i later found out were her sister and her sister's friend. she was friendly and i was quite comfortable with her. i felt like it was a double date but i didn't mind anyway. we went for lunch and sat separately though. we talked about ourselves and i learnt a bit about her. i took the chance to study her features. she has sharp nose and big eyes which pleased me very much. she's shorter than me and that makes me feel at ease. i have always had this thing about girls who are taller than me. she behaved naturally and i didn't think she was shy or anything. i acted natural as well. i wished i could spend more time with her but her mum called so she had to leave early. we bid each other goodbyes and i went home to my aunt's. i had a good time with her but i just wished that she didn't have to go home so early. it was kind of awkward bidding farewell when i noticed that her sister was watching me. she stood near to where we were, and all i could do was just to handshake the actress and say 'goodbye'. i wished i could do more than that like hugging her or something. she called me the next day and told me she wanted to do the same thing too. i just smiled hearing what she said. she's in KL now and it seems that we will not be able to meet again soon. i will be busy and so is she so i guess it is just that and occasional sms to each other. i just hope that we can remain friends for as long as we are alive cos i don't want to lose anymore friendships over petty issues.

i got back to singapore at 3 am and i immediately went to bed after my shower. i woke up at 9 on Sunday morning. thanks to the actress, she called and i was quite pleased. it means something isn't it? when you have met someone and the follow up is quite encouraging, it means that the meeting went well and she does not find a problem in you. we talked quite a bit before she left for KL. she told me how she wanted to hug me too when we bid farewell to each other. i guessed both of us were discreetly shy and trying to get comfortable with each other. she might be coming to singapore next week with her family and she said she'll call me if she is here. i might be meeting her again though. i like hearing her voice on the phone. she has this rich and sweet voice which gives you the impression that she will be short and cute, which she is. i hope she will make it to singapore this week.

i accompanied my brother to view kittens that afternoon. he wanted to buy one and there was a local breeder which he had known that has kittens to sell. he is a recognised breeder and his kittens are known to be clean, healthy, stress free and discipline but they all come with a handsome price. we got to his house at 3.45 and we viewed the kittens. they were all ragdolls and all are 2 months old. ragdolls are known to be big in size and they can grow to a length of 50cm. they are playful and also homely. he has 6 kittens and they all looked the same to me. there were only two females and 4 males. i watched them play and i observed them. i love playful and active cats. i saw one and i began to watch her. she was bigger than the rest and was renposive to my actions. i wriggled my finger infront of her and she touched my finger and when i touched her tummy, she bit my hands. she was playful and naughty. she has blue eyes and a cute sad face, i like her so i chose her and she is going to make me 1,200 SGD poorer. it's quite costly for a ragdoll actually however, the breeder is a recognised breeder and all the kittens are clean, well bred, well groomed and disciplined. she also comes with other packages, we are going to get two weeks supply of cat's litter and she will be vaccinated, there will be microchip implanted in her body for easy detection and tracing if she gets lost, there will also be handbooks given to us for proper care of her. i am going to name her Serena.

i need to go shopping for her stuffs soon cos she will be coming home in mid november and got to have her stuffs prepared. need to buy the litter tray, her shampoo, her toys, her scratch board, her collar strap and her carrier. gosh, i can't wait for her to come home. i want to play with her and i want to sleep with her. she's such a darling. i want to feed her with healthy food so that she will grow big, healthy and strong. maybe i can send her for competitions and win big money for me, what do you think diary?

when health does matter...

dear diary, i burnt my shirt last night while ironing, luckily it wasn't my favourite shirt but i quite like the design. i only wear it 4 times altogether. it was from mango bought during my most boredom time and decided to go on impulsive shopping spree. i am quite dissapointed with the tragedy so i went to Mango this afternoon and bought myself two tops to make it up for the loss. i like them very much and i look good in them. i asked for the smallest size available and i think they fit me well.

i wanted to settle for something else only untill i laid my eyes on this particular shirt. it is white beige in colour and it has this kind of cow boy long sleeve design seams which i think would atrract a lot of eyes. i wanted to buy similar shirt at Levis but the one at Levis only come in red and i already had plenty of red colour tops. i am glad i saw it today and the colour is just nice for me. it comes in two colours, red and beige. i had to settle for the beige but it is nice though and i like it very much. the other top i bought is simple and it comes in light purple with many designs. it's rather outstanding cos i haven't had something like it before. it's a good buy i would say.

i haven't heard from little sister for a week now but i have a strong feeling that she is in the hospital. the last time i spoke to her, she told me the operation is due in two weeks time, and i think it has been two weeks already since i spoke to her. she didn't send me any emails or sms to let me know, but i understand. she was probably too nervous to be operated. who wouldn't be? my late brother cried a day before his operation. i am afraid of operation too especially major and serious ones which has uncertain implications and consequences. it's about one man's life we are talking about.

i have never been hospitalised before and i have never been diagnosed with any serious illnesses. i had been sick but it was always the usual fever, flu or cough. i cannot say that i am healthy but i am grateful for the good health god has given me. when by late brother was diagnosed with brain cancer, i was more stunned and i couldn't help wondering why. i didn't really know what i felt probably because i was too shocked and my ignorance shadowed my fear. i didn't know how serious brain tumor could be until the day when he couldn't walk anymore. he was moving slower and slower day by day. his strength was not progressing at all in fact he was weakening. i didn't ask him why because i was too proud, too fucking proud. his conditions worsened and he became semi paralysed, that's when i know how serious it could be. i started to feel sorry for him. i was sad to know that i would lose him eventually.

mum broke the news to me first. she told me how my brother answered the psychiatrist when asked where did he get his motivations and encouragements from. he told them it's from his siblings which i knew he had lied. he looked at my mum sadly when he said that, trying to hide the truth from a total stranger about how his siblings had been treating him or perhaps he didn't want to embarrass mum infront of the total stranger because i was sure he would have if he had told the truth. from the day when he couldn't walk anymore, i played my part as his sister. i tried to make it up to him by helping him with his basic needs.

i helped cleaned, showered and sometimes put him to bed. he had his fair share of dissapointment over what had happened to him and he threw tantrums at us but i guessed those are common things to be expected from someone who used to be independent and able. it's not easy to accept major changes in your life, let alone facing death when you knew it's coming to you. i miss him so much and i have made a promise to myself that i will not stop praying and read Yassin for him for as long as i live because that's the only way i feel i can make it up to him for all the wrongs i've done to him.

little sister once said to me how she thought her siblings do not care about her and she was so happy when her brother has a match bone marrow with her and is donating his to her. i know how she felt at that time and if only i could be there for her and comfort her i would. you know diary, she is someone with good heart. she is sincere and she always mean well. she's caring and kind. i hope she will have a speedy recovery and will be blessed with a good health always.