Parts and Parcels of Me

Dear Diary,

I have gotten my last item which I bought online. It is for my camera and it is a great disappointment. It does not fit and I think I am going to sell it away. I have listed a few items for sale on Carousell and this will be my latest item. I am contemplating to sell my Samsung camera together with the lens. I am not sure if people would buy. Samsung has stopped producing cameras I supposed. I am kind of feeling regret buying Samsung, the picture quality is not that great. It is no wonder professional photographers opt out Samsung as their first choice, in fact, it is not even an option for them.

Samsung is never a popular brand for cameras anyway. I bought Samsung on impulse because at that time, I was using Samsung handphone and I wanted a camera which has Wifi capability. Samsung has it and I agreed to that brand to be uniformed with my mobile phone but I supposed it was a bad decision. I will put them up on sale soon and wait for any offers. I think I will start with $800 with the camera body and 4 lenses. I hope people will buy.

Now that I use Canon, I appreciate known brands and also naturally good quality pictures without any editing. I am happy with Canon now and I am looking at a longer telephoto lens. My current one is Tamron 18-200. I am looking for 16-300 or perhaps a 16-400. We will see. I am also thinking of signing up for photography classes. I want to learn how to take pictures manually. I want to be able to know how to use the full functions of my camera. I am going to wait until I come back from Indonesia and I will decide.

I still have not bought my return flight ticket. I am still waiting for price reduced. I have a rough idea of how much it would cost and I will keep a lookout for it. I have bought travel insurance for myself for the entire trip. It covers a lot and at least now I feel safe to travel. The stay at Mataram has been extended to 7^th of May so it looks like I will be going home to Singapore on the 7^th. I will be starting Grab after that. Having three sources of income is exciting to me. I call myself the super freelancer. I suppose earning this way makes me a happy woman. I am in control of my own schedule so this is fun, really.

Ever since I came back to Singapore to work. Working on my own is my ultimate dream and yes, I have achieved it. It will take some time to be stable but I am thankful I have enough.  I have lost 4kg in total. I work out regularly and I hike monthly. I hope I am fine for the hike for Rinjani, as well as Nad and Sarah and Lynn. Lynn told me she has been working out in the gym. Well, I pray we all will reach the summit no matter how long we will take. It is not easy. There are people who never make it to the top. I have heard that the last two hundred meters will be the most challenging and difficult.

I am going to Tangkak tomorrow with mom. I will be hiking on Sunday but will leave home on Saturday. I will pick up one of the teammates in Melaka and then to Bangi and to USJ to meet Nad to pass her things. Then I will be driving to the meeting point to meet the rest of the team. Nur Kasih and I are not meeting. We had to cancel the plan as she has an event on the 16^th. I feel disappointed, kind of sad but I am trying not to let it overcome my emotions. No matter how hard I tried, there was a little discrepancy. As usual, I said something, wrote something and I guess she became upset. I am letting things cool down for a while; the cooling off period people say. I am afraid if I talk too much or write too much, it may make things worse. We are quiet with each other today. I am not sure how long it will last. We all know that sticks and stones are hard on bones. If you speak with an angry heart, your words can sting like anything. But silence…silence really breaks the heart.

Oh well, never mind Diary. Little fights, arguments and misunderstanding are all parts and parcels of a relationship, aren’t they? What is most important, we don’t run away from them, we fix them. If we do not know how to fix them, we learn how to fix them. Being different does not make us incompatible. A lovers' quarrel is always about every quarrel you ever had. 

PS: Diam itu maknanya rindu

Bila Kita Berbeza

Kekasih, maafkan aku bila terlanjur
Tahulah engkau aku manusia
Yang sudah cuba berkali kali berubah
Tersungkur tertiarap terbaring ketika cuba
Selepas berbicara kemudian menyesal
Terasa biadap sukar dipahamkan
Kadang rasa sendirian lebih baik
Jadi tidak menghiris hati kesayangan
Tiada lagi hancurnya perasaan
Tidak terobek jiwa nurani
Cuai dengan bicara kerap sekali
Dilemparkan semua pada cinta
Amarah memarak syaitan bersorak
Berserah kalah aku dengan dia
Mungkin engkau jua begitu nanti
Sendirian aku mengorak langkah
Kerana kita insan berbeza sekali

Ps: Yang bezalah yang aku sayang

Hiking and Meeting Nur Kasih

Dear Diary,

My preparation for Mount Rinjani is almost done. I am still waiting for 1 item I bought online to be delivered.  Other than that, all is good. I have repacked my stuff and put the clothes into the compression bag. I have more space now. I have not put in my hiking shoes. I am just a bit wary to do it way too early to avoid any more mishaps. I need to bring back my shoe bag in Tangkak to Singapore. I will put my shoes in them and pack them on the last day before I leave Singapore. What happened to my Lowa boots left a deep impact on me that I got even more scared of packing shoes.

You know I already have this existing fear. There were a couple of times this had happened to me and now this. I am so careful now about shoes that it makes me feel that I am a paranoid or something. I am a bit disappointed that I cannot wear the boots to Rinjani but I consoled myself. At least it happened here, at home instead of there. I cannot imagine if it were to happen there. Oh dear, Allah loves and cares about me. I am thankful somehow, glad that I was left with ample time to come up with another plan for the shoes.

I am going hiking this weekend Diary. It will be with Core again and I am excited. I am excited about the hike and I am also excited because I will be meeting Nur Kasih a day after the hike. I will check in at my regular hotel to spend the night there and I will meet her on Monday.  I am not sure what time we will meet but I will meet her. I bought some biscuits and chocolates for her or maybe for her children. We have a chain of shops in Singapore that sell things at dirt cheap prices. Honestly, I did not need any of those snacks but I bought them anyway because they are cheap. It is probably impulse shopping, yeah I know. I bought some for Nad, Sarah and also Nur Kasih.

Oh Diary, I have yet to buy my return ticket to Singapore from Lombok. I have not decided yet if I want to extend my stay in Lombok. I will be alone then. I have to decide soon because coming into Indonesia needs me to show them my return ticket otherwise I will have to fly back to Singapore immediately. I have to buy it today. I think I am going to go online and buy it now, right now. I cannot waste any more time. I also need to arrange for Supir in Bali. Oh God, can you believe that I have not come up with itinerary yet for Bali? Geezz…what is happening to me? Got to do it today Diary. Oh, but I need to play with my camera. Oh no…

I will write again Diary. You take care.

PS: Rindu itu sayang dan cinta aku padamu teguh

Busy Comes From Rinjani

Dear Diary,

I haven’t been writing a lot to you lately. I apologize for my lack of attention towards you. I have not been busy but I just kept myself busy with online shopping and preparation to Rinjani. I still hike every month and I still workout daily but somehow I simply did not follow my daily timetable religiously. I did not write things I have done on that A4 piece of paper, which I usually do. Well, I guess I am a little off track nowadays but I am back on my feet again.

I am glad I still manage to do at least 50% of the things in my timetable. Things like prayers, workouts, and housework are what I would always do without miss. Other than that, I had skipped.  There are many things that I have to do apart from the daily timetable. I have to search for tickets for my return to Singapore from Lombok. I have to search for a transport service during my time in Bali. I have bought for my dad wheelchair service to and from Bali so it would be easier for my mom and dad. They will be alone coming back to Singapore and I am trying my best to make it as easy as it can be for both of them. I am praying to Allah to make it easy for them.

I will not be with them as I have to go to Lombok from Bali. I will be hiking Rinjani and I will meet Sarah and Nad there. My flight to Lombok is at 445pm and I will arrive Bali at 515pm. It was just a 30 minutes flight and I supposed it will be the shortest flight of my life and the cheapest too! It only cost me SGD26 for that flight. I hope I will not hold up the rest of the participants. Most of them arrive early on that day. I will be the only one from Bali.

I have started packing and there are only a few more items left to add on. Most of the items I bought online have arrived and there are only 2 more. I bought a new pair of hiking shoes as the soles of my Lowa boots came off. It was my mistake to put them in plastic bags and left them in my backpack for more than two weeks. You see, I started packing early and packing the boots like that was a big mistake. You never pack your boots in plastic bags and store them. When my gaiters arrived, I took the boots out to try them with my boots and I notice some small bits of rubber came off from my shoes and I knew it then my boots were gone.

I can always send them for repair to have the soles replaced. But Campers Corner would have to send the shoes to Germany and it will take more than 1 month. I am leaving on 23^rd of April. The shoes will not be ready in time for my trip. I am not sure if I still want to wear those boots for Mount Fuji. The trip will be in August and I guess if I send the shoes for re-sole after I come back from Rinjani, I will have plenty of time. I just don’t know if I want to wear my Lowa Boots.

The new shoes are fine. It is Hi-Tec and mid cut. It is lightweight and breathable. It is definitely not bulky like Lowa because it is not boots. Lowa boots are naturally more bulky, heavier and bigger. I bought them for any snow holidays. I need to know how to care for hiking boots. I am always concern of the soles. I have this fear the soles would come off while hiking. That is like my biggest concern. I will try this new pair of hiking shoes in Rinjani first and then I will decide if I want to bring Lowa for Fuji. If I do, I will send it to re-sole and find a proper shoe bags that fit.

Oh yes, I have sent my camera for repair. Thank god it is fine now and I can use a new filter for it. It cost me $90. And the repairman cleaned my camera as well. I am happy with their service and I will be familiarising myself with it again. I want to enroll myself in photography classes soon before my trip to Japan.  

I got to go Diary. Talk to you soon.  

Tua Bersamamu

Jika engkau tahu isi hati aku
Engkau pasti percaya aku cinta
Amarah aku hanyalah seketika
Sedang aku berperang dengan rasa
Jangan putus asa dengan kita
Mari majukan cinta bersama sama
Kerana aku mahu tua bersamamu
Mengusap rambut berwarna kelabu
Memimpin tangan yang mengigil
Mengesat lembut wajah kerepot
Berjalan membongkok seangkatan
Bergurau senda mengusik menyakat
Kau dan aku ketawa sakan bahagia

Ps: Untuk engkau percaya bahawa aku cinta

Second Time and More To Come

Dear Diary,

Have I told you that I met Nur Kasih for the second time? My hike to Swettenham was with 14 other participants. Nad and Sarah was with me and we carpooled. Nur Kasih offered to make sandwiches for me and I accepted her offer. She made egg mayonnaise and sardine sandwiches for the three of us. They were delicious and honestly I like them very much.

I met her in the afternoon on Friday. I fetched her from her office and we went for some snacks at a coffee shop nearby. The good thing about her work is, she has work there for the longest time and she is free to come out and meet me easily. She has this flexibility in her workplace that will benefit our relationship. This is a good thing because I can only meet her during weekdays. I came to her office and waited by the roadside. She came bringing along with her this motherly aura she has since she got married and have children.

You see, the thing about married woman is she is sexy without realising it. That motherly care she shows to you is a symbol of deep love of a woman who has carried foetuses in her womb for nine months and nine days without complain. She has given birth to three beautiful children. She showers them with her love, care and concern and now she has me to do the same. Have you ever felt so much love before? I have never felt so much love until I am back with her. This feeling of care she shows me makes me realise how true her love to me is. I might be careless sometimes because I have been single for so long and I overlooked the small matters but I hope she knows that all I have for her are love and happiness. I was so fond of counting my troubles, but I did not count my joys. If I counted them up as I ought to, I would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. She is my joy nowadays.

I spent about 5 hours with her. I sent her back to her office and waited for her again as she packed up to leave office to go home. She did not drive that day as her car broke down. I sent her home that day. I felt good being able to do that for her. We have come a long way, both of us. We fell in love the first time when we were kids, we had little money but we had so much love for each other. I did not even have a driving license back then while she did not even have a car. I remember those times I spent with her. She was very child-like, manja. And it was my honour to pamper her however I can.

She directed me to her house. The drive was not smooth as she kept giving me the directions at the last minute. I was not angry. I was enjoying the rough and bumpy ride. We were laughing in the car. I supposed both of us had such a lovely time. We have had histories and we both have chemistry. Occasionally she took my hand and held it tight and I would do the same. It is a lucky thing I can drive single handed. I am skilful, I know. Upon reaching her house, we sat in the car for while. She left her house keys in her car and the car is at the workshop. She had to wait for her husband to arrive home. We chatted, we laughed and we were playful to each other. I remember we were like kids. I was happy and she was too and I am glad. I suppose she needs to laugh more, we all do.

When her husband arrives, I sent her to her block. We bid farewell and off I went to USJ to fetch Sarah and Nad. The ride to USJ was bad as Waze failed me and I had to find the way there myself. But it was nothing, I was happy after meeting the love of my life. People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because I am not on my road doesn’t mean I have gotten lost.   

PS: Kau dan aku...Jadi kita satu, Faj sayang Ein 

First For Both

Dear Diary,

I hiked for two weekends in a row and I feel like my body is crying for some rest time. I feel that my stamina and pace are improving and my endurance and speed are consistent as before. I need to strengthen my core muscles. I need to focus more on lower body strengths. Hiking is all about the strength of your lower body. You will use 90% of your legs to move and occasionally your upper body strength to pull you up on steep terrain which requires you to grab roots.

I have not done my workouts since I got back from hiking. The mountains caused my feet to swell and my muscles to tighten. I feel that my skin is stretching at its maximum whenever I pray. We need to be in different positions when we pray and most of the time, the movements depend on our legs especially during sujud and rukuk. It was such a misery for me. It hurts so badly that I need to speed up my time praying. The pain is bearable but only for the first few seconds, after that it becomes unbearable.

I looked up the internet and google what this is all about. It is normal and I picked up some tips to overcome it. I did stretching repetitively and before I went for my next hike, the swell seemed to subside although not completely. I enjoyed my hike both times. I was tired but I kept on going. I paused occasionally but I did not stop. Swettenham was easier than the first mountain I went the week before. It was way much easier although it was higher.

I was the first woman in the group to reach the summit for the first mountain I went and I was the first in the group to reach the summit of the second mountain. I am proud of myself but of course, these are not something to boast about because there are always others who are faster and quicker than I am. Anyway being the first to reach the summit was not and never my intention but I always strive to be in the first group of participants to make it. It is a personal accomplishment that I myself can understand and feel. I share it with Nur Kasih and she is proud of me. That is enough for me. Making her proud of me is all that matters because she matters to me. I love her with all my heart and what she thinks of me matters most of the time.

I spent three weeks in Tangkak after my hikes. My legs were so tight that I was in pain when I prayed. I knew I needed to loosen up the muscle by stretching. I am doing it regularly or at least I try to. Stretching is important but most people skip this after every workout. If only people know what it does to our body I am pretty sure people will take it seriously.

I am controlling my diet nowadays. I watch what I eat. I try to eat more fruits and vegetables. I practice this daily and include a big portion of fruits and salads in my menu. It is easier to do this when I am alone because I prepare my own meals. When I am with my family, mum is the one who cooks and it is hard like that. I eat what she cooks and serves and I cannot really demand her to follow my preferred diet. I have to give in somehow. I usually buy fruits and if she does not have any vegetable in the menu I will replace it with the fruits I bought.

I got to go Diary. Talk to you later. 

PS: Faj sayang Ein...

I Met My Nur Kasih

Dear Diary,

I have met my Nur Kasih for the first time in seven years. She is still the same as the last time I saw her. I picked her up at Peugeot Service Centre in Seremban. It was such an impromptu meet up. She had to send her car for service and the nearest to her home is the one in Seremban. She asked if I wanted to meet her there. I grabbed that opportunity without hesitating. I could sense that she was hesitant a bit. Perhaps she was afraid I might get turned off with her looks.  She always said she has put on some weight and all of that stuff you know. I gave her my words that how I feel towards her will not change no matter how she looks like now.

I ended up driving one and a half hour to Seremban from where I was just to meet the love of my life, my Nur Kasih. She felt so bad for making me drive that far. I supposed she knows how much she means to me when I am willing to drive that far and that long simply to meet her. There was this saying, treasure those who would drive for hours just to meet you. I am doing it for her and I swear I had no regrets.

I wazed myself to her car’s service center and I picked her up. She got into my car and sat next to me without looking at me. I knew she was shy and I was shy too. She greeted me with “Assalamualaikum”, offered to shake my hand and when I gave her my hand she took it and kiss it. She reminded me of the times we were together 15 years ago. That was what she did every time we met. It made me think of our past and I wish, I wish my dream to grow old with her would come true. Being with her made me realized that it does not matter who made me cry, what matters most is who makes me laugh after that. She makes me laugh, she brings back joy and happiness to my life and that is why I love her. There are days when you need someone who just wants to be your sunshine and not the air you breathe, right Diary? I am grateful to her who makes me happy. She is the charming gardener who makes my soul blossom.

I continued driving for a few meters and I stopped by the side of the road. I looked at her and I felt that love is in the air. I took her hand and hold it. I held her hand tightly. My heart feels the excitement the moment I held her hand and I knew that I was not wrong in believing that she is my Nur Kasih. Without a single thought, two hands collide and the world finally makes sense again. I pray silently in my heart for Allah to grant this woman good health and wealth so that I would have a thousand more years to spend time with her and having her as the woman I am so much in love with because a partner is someone who makes you more than you are, simply by being by your side. I felt it shelter to speak to her. Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down, I supposed she is that someone who would take the bus with me and that is why I love her.

PS: Terima kasih. Faj sayang Ein sekali….

Do Our Best And Leave The Rest To Allah

Dear Diary,

The letter from Land Transport and Authority of Singapore has arrived and I am required to collect my commercial license soonest not exceeding one month from the receipt date of the letter. I am happy and I have to start shopping for dashboard camera. I know I need one to install this in the car. I am driving for a living and I suppose I need the camera to safeguard myself from any discrepancies.

I need to do lots of things. I need to rearrange my timetable like what time should I wake up and what time should I drive for Uber. I do other things too you know. I got to make time to read the chart for Forex and also set aside time for E-Commerce. Oh God, I feel like there is not enough time for me in a day now. I will be in Singapore and I will be in Tangkak. My time will be divided into two countries and those times will be subdivided into Uber, Forex, E-Commerce, and Hiking. Honestly, I am not sure if I can afford to do all of them. I guess I must have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that I understand the worth of time by employing it well. Then my youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life will become a beautiful success. Insha Allah.

Perhaps it is true after all about the saying that says “Life starts at 40” because I really feel that my life has just begun. Spiritually, I am learning to read the Muqaddam and hope to be able to read the Quran in Arabic. I am a happy unemployed woman who tries to make income from three sources. I am still active in hiking. I travel to where I want to. I am getting a new house I will call home soon. The car loan in Malaysia ends in two months time and I think I am most likely to get a new car soon in Singapore and also perhaps in Malaysia. I am actually thinking of Toyota Fortuner but let’s talk about that another time, shall we?

My love life is beautiful with Nur Kasih around. I talk to her every day. I share my stories with her, in fact, I share everything with her. She is like my real life diary nowadays. We tease each other playfully on the phone and we often do video call. I let her watch my daily activities and I watch her do her work sometimes. It sure is an exhilarating tonic for the soul to take a moment to appreciate the simple, good things in life which are so bountiful. 

I notice she is cheerful with her colleagues. She is always laughing and approachable with them. Her personality makes people become comfortable with her. I supposed these are her characteristics that make me fell for her 17 years ago. That was a long time ago Diary. After we broke up, she hardly crossed my mind. Probably because I was angry with her but I am not anymore. I even forgot what really happened actually. But I remember we were still on good terms after the break-up. We just became lost in touch until that day I saw her in Putrajaya.

Today, she let me listen to her chatting with her children when she fetched them from school. I kept quiet and listened to them. I imagine the scene and I picture her with her children. She is soft and so motherly towards her children without compromising discipline. I smile while listening to them talking away on their way home. I suppose there are many things that have changed about her and I guess that is what makes her attractive. It was a good 45 minutes spent with her. We did not talk to each other but we felt each other with our song playing in the background with her children singing along. It makes me feel loved and contented that I am having her back in my life as who she wants to be. I am happy and felt so blessed. She and I, we have an uncertain future so to speak. But that does not bother me. I have learned to live my life in the present because of he who seeks to know the future is out of harmony with the present. I believe the future is an opaque mirror.  Anyone who tries to look into it sees nothing but the dim outlines of an old and worried face. Right now, at this very moment, I am happy and that suffices. 

I will collect my license tomorrow as I will have to go to Tangkak on Wednesday. My hike is on Friday to Sunday and I will have to fetch the rest who carpool with me on Thursday night. My bag is packed but I still need to add a few more items. I am keeping my pack as light as possible. I have learnt my lesson from CUS and I am not going to let history repeat itself. I have not missed my daily workout yet. I have done all things possible for this trip and I hope I will make it through smoothly without any injuries. I am leaving the rest to Allah about this trip and also about Nur Kasih. May the force be with us, may love keeps us strong and may trust holds us together till death do us part.

PS: Baru tetapi lama...masih tetap sama...engkau dan aku dan mungkin, mungkin juga dia, siapa tahu? 

So Busy

Dear Diary,

I am busy, so busy. I have started my e-commerce project and I am rushing to finish my store soonest. I have just finished Mengaji and I am progressing but slowly. Nur Kasih is tired from housework and I wish I could just be there to assist her. Things are ok on my side but things are always looking tired on her side. It is a pity I cannot be much of help to her. I can only give her moral support from a distance.

Diary, I got to go. I will write again tomorrow. 

My Nur Kasih Is Sick And Strong

Dear Diary,

I do not know how to begin. When Nur Kasih came back into my life, some parts of our conversation gave me the hint that she is sick. I had asked her once about it but she brushed it off like it was nothing serious. Being me, I pushed her for an answer. She did not give in to me. I gave in, being me again. That is the thing about me when I am with her. It never changed. I was like that 15 years ago and I am still like that now. I thought I could change and have it my way but not with this woman. She may seem soft and tame but she has a heart of steel and fierce as a lioness.

We video called on Whassap yesterday afternoon and I was my usual playful self with her. I danced cheekily for her to watch and I looked at her on the phone. I thought to myself, this is the woman I fell in love with 15 years ago. We broke up for reasons I wish to keep private but it was surely not what I had asked for. I was with several women after that and I was head over heels with one of them until Nur Kasih came. In an instant she makes me forget about my past love stories. It is her I am sure but I was also determined to look into the future and disregard all my sad love stories. So I have to say Nur Kasih plays a major part.

When I looked at her, I long to feel her tender touch and I yearn for her motherly love. Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. This love is real I know because she makes me forget my pain and heartaches. She makes me forget the woman I thought I was once so in love with. No other women could do it except her. If I had a single flower for every time I think of her, I could walk forever in my garden. I was totally myself when I was with her and I still am. She looked at me from where she was smiling and giggling at my silliness. I showed her my room and even showed her where I keep my underwears and both of us laughed. She has this laughter that I love hearing. Her voice is sweet and when she laughs, it gives me the urge to want more of it. I want her attention and I want to give her mine.

Finally, she showed me a picture of her toenail. There was a black vertical stripe on the nail. I did not understand the message behind the picture. I simply thought it was just another picture of her. And then, she asked me to search what is Melanoma Nail. I did and my heart almost stopped beating. For a second, my thoughts were racing through my mind. Melanoma is a type of cancer that begins in melanocytes (cells that make the pigment melanin). Cutaneous melanoma is the most aggressive form of skin cancer. When it has spread (metastatic cutaneous melanoma), the prognosis is very poor.

I stopped everything that I was doing and continued reading about it. My heart felt heavy. I closed my eyes and I thought of her and I thought of her love that fills this empty heart of mine. I covered my face with my palms. I did not expect this. I felt so sad that only God could understand. I started to imagine things I did not want to happen. My brother died of cancer and how could I not think of death. I do not want this. This news is too shocking for me. If only I could be there for her and give her a tight hug. If only I could take all of her pain away if only I could hold her in my arms and make her feel the warmth of my love.  

Nur Kasih did not want to elaborate even after much pestering from me. I wanted to seek the truth from her. I needed to. I felt the need to know. She did not let me. I prayed hard for her. I cried to Allah begging him to cure her. I supposed Allah is the only one that can help. He hears and He listens. There must be reasons why she came back into my life. I knew it all along and I am ready for this. Come what may, my love, we will go through this together. You and me, with all the strengths we have, with every beat of our heart, every day without end, we will fight this. We will find a way, my love. You have reached out for me when I felt the sun came crashing down on me so I will stand by you because right now, you are the place I call home.    

PS: Percaya yang Faj sayang Ein….sayang sekali.          

Feeling Worry To Hike

Dear Diary,

I left my bank security tokens at home in Tangkak and I really do not feel comfortable about it. I need my tokens to do online transactions and I do online transactions a lot. I had reminded myself to put the tokens in my bag but I did not do it straight away. I let it pass when it crossed my mind and this is what happened. So, lesson learned always do immediately the things that crossed your mind and do not wait.

I will be in Tangkak again next week on Wednesday because I will be hiking that weekend. It seems to me that I hike every month or twice a month since I quit my job. It will be a 3 days 2 nights trip. I know only one of them from the group. I hiked with him once and we did not talk but he was friendly and always smiling at me. The thing I like about him is he was polite. Polite and courteous people always impress me. I suppose looks are secondary, what is important is manners.

I have packed my bag for the trip. I only need to double check on certain things. I am quite afraid about this trip because this mountain is not popular and when it is not popular, not many people climb it. This results in the tracks being covered by wild trees. I have heard that the tracks are graded as tough. I think most of the participants are strong. I am not sure if I can keep up with them. I am a little worried actually. I have not done difficult terrain in a while. I have been hiking regularly and I workout daily for 35 minutes but I am not sure if that suffices. I hope I will be fine. I am doing more on core workout. I do wall squats for 60 seconds at 5 repetitions daily. I think I need to do it twice a day, one in the morning and one in the evening.

I am afraid because I have hit rock bottom before when I hiked Chamah and Ulu Sepat. I was so unprepared and I underestimated the terrain. Furthermore, I had bad blisters on both feet. It was terrible and that was the first time I felt that I hated hiking so much. I spent 6 days in the jungle with 12 other teammates. I was all alone and I knew I was the weakest of all. It was probably because of the injury and also the discouraging words by my guide. Somehow I felt he disliked me and he said things that could break my spirit. I knew what he meant but I did not let it affect me. I knew I was alone and I only had to depend on myself. There was no turning back. We started at point A and we ended at point B so there was no way of turning back. The journey had to continue.

I persevered. I carried on. I only thought of my mother at that time. If I could just stand this pain for 6 days I could finish this trip. I kept telling myself that. I knew I was the weakest. It did not matter. I simply had to finish the journey with dignity and I did.

I supposed this time would be different. My spirit is a little higher than before. I know I have Nur Kasih to worry about me and I know she will be the booster for my endurance. I think of her and I feel happy. The thoughts of her lifted up my excitement. I know I will still survive no matter how hard it is.

PS: Faj saying Ein 

I Made It Finally

Dear Diary,

I write to tell you that I have created history today. I prayed Fajr and for the first time in my life I recited Doa Qunut. I have memorised it but I still put the Doa which Nad had printed for me in A4 size paper right infront of my sejadah. I put it there just in case I forgot. And it proved useful because I forgot a few lines but I successfully did it. I am so proud of myself. 

I shared this news with Nur Kasih, Nad and Sarah. I was excited like a child who has just gotten candies. I have done a few pages of Muqaddam. I think I still need to put in some work to memorise the characters. Jawi is not like the alphabets. Jawi is an art. It is calligraphy. The characters will change when it becomes cursive. You simply need to recognise each character vividly before and after cursive.

I need to put in more efforts. I got to go. Take care Diary.  

Love Actually

Dear Diary,

I woke up from my unplanned nap when my phone rang. I picked it up and saw her number. It feels a little bit strange that my phone keeps ringing nowadays because it hardly does before. I did not have a girlfriend for five years. I did not have any close friends that I chill with and out of the blue, things change. I have been constantly chatting with her on Whassap and she always calls me on the phone. I have to get used to all this. She brings music to my ever so quiet life and I am beginning to feel like I was in my twenties all over again.

We fell in love when I was 25. She was 23. And she is making me feel like 25 years old all over again. This time, communication is easy. No need for international calling card to hear her voice. Wassap and its technology that come with it suffice. We have a choice to video call, voice call, voice message and text. Somehow, I feel loved all over again. She is always the caring one. She is even more caring nowadays.

I am happy that I have someone who wishes me goodnight, I am glad I have someone who wished me good morning and I am grateful that I have someone who loves me unconditionally. She accepted me in a split second. It was like, no need for time to think, take my hand and I will love you. I knew it then, whatever it is if there is somebody calling me home, she would be the one. There was no need for me to get down on my knees to ask for her hand. Like I said, there was no official declaration. It just happened and we have mutual understanding about it. She gives me many positive vibes about love. When love calls, you answer it. There is no need to think or wait cos love already exists. Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. 

I let her in into my world once again. I let myself fell in love with her all over again. This feeling that I am feeling toward her, I know this feeling, it is love without boundaries. No matter her situations and mine, there is still love in the air. It is madness and I know it is love.

PS: Faj sayang ein 

The New Woman

Dear Diary,

I have been back from hiking for two weeks but I have not written to you. I had things to do. I am sorry Diary. And guess what? There is a woman in my life now. I am not sure if I can call her my girlfriend because we have not officially declared anything yet. We are connected spiritually, you get what I mean? We had been together before and that was about 17 years ago. She simply made a comeback in my life. I did not even expect this to happen. It is true that things happen for reasons we do not foresee. I was by myself trying to fix things in my life after many series of rejections and then she appeared out of nowhere. She had been there all along but I just did not see it. There I was falling in and out of love with other women and then she came and made me forget about all the miseries and heartbreaks I have had.

I got so many stories to tell you. I promise I will find the time ok. I am back in Singapore now and things have never been busy like this. I am on a roll Diary. I am happy and I am loving her. 

A Little Bit About My Old Self

Dear Diary,

I am fasting today. It is a habit I developed since a few years ago. I always make it a point to fast on Monday and Thursday whenever I can. I know I have to fast more days to qada all the days I did not fast in Ramadan during my younger days. I am also aware that I have to pay the Fidyah which I have not. I got to set aside some money to do so. 

I have not been a good Muslim when I was young. I skipped fasting during Ramadan and ate in front of the crowd in school. I did that on purpose because I was surrounded by friends of different faiths and races. I did not have Malay friends when I was in secondary school. My good friends were all non-Malays and that made me wild.

I ate pork, I drank and I did not really bother if what I ate was halal or not. It just did not occur to me the significance of it. I ate what I wanted and drank what I desired. I went to clubs and joined a secret society. I was a gangster. Telling you this story makes me laugh because I know the gangsters in Singapore are nothing compared to the gangsters in Malaysia. Gangster taik kucing, yeah, that was me. I am laughing so hard now I almost fell out of my chair.

I got to go Diary. I need to break my fast. I am going hiking tomorrow and have to leave mum alone at home until Monday. I am praying silently to keep mum safe at home until I come back. 

My New Story Books

Dear Diary,

Look at what my mum bought me. She bought them 3 days ago and I have been reading the muqaddam ever since. I am also recognising the characters. I cut out little pieces of papers and I wrote the characters on each of them and I test myself to read the characters. I need to memorise them first. I feel like I am a little kid all over again learning how to read the ABC.

The truth is, I should have learnt Jawi the same time as ABC but that did not happen because we live in a world where most Muslims think ABC is more important and superior than Aliff Ba Tha. It is ironic but now, I have realised the importance to be Jawi literate and I am working on it to improve myself as a Muslim. I suppose that is what matters most right? Always be learning and never stop improving yourself.

I am looking at myself one year from today and I am pretty sure I will be good at reading Jawi if I just be discipline enough to keep learning and practice daily. I want to read the Quran. I want to do it for myself, my parents, my brothers and Allah. Please wish me all the best Diary and hope that I will not stop learning. Oh yes...Doa Qunut is almost done. I am asking Nad to print for me 2 copies of it so I can hang it on the wall to check my recital once I start praying Subuh with Doa Qunut. I am excited!

My Exercise Mat and Jump Rope

Dear Diary,

I have been looking for this ever since I started skipping at home. Thank God I found it at the DIY store in Muar and guess what they have jump rope as well and it is way much cheaper than I bought the first time.

The exercise mat cost Rm35 and the jump rope costs only Rm5.90. The existing jump rope cost me Rm20! Can you believe it? Geeezz...I could have bought 4 with Rm20 at the DIY store. I think I need to buy another one of the exercise mats once I got my own house. Nowadays, I always got to have two of everything. One is for the house in Singapore and the other one is for the house in Tangkak.

Carbo Load for The Hike

Dear Diary,

I ate so much rice today. So much that I could not believe it myself. It was for breakfast and I always have weaknesses for mum’s fried rice. It was tasty and good and I knew I have to load myself with carbohydrate. I have not eaten rice for 3 weeks and I suppose loading it today will help to give me the energy to hike. I got to bring lots of water and I have to drink 1 big bottle of 100+ today. This is my practice before every hike. I am doing this to avoid getting any cramps during hiking.

I have done some research about getting cramps while hiking and there are two possibilities that I could remember. Salt depletion and inadequate of carbohydrate consumption are the two significant cause of cramps. I need to go out to get some stuff for the hike. I am so sleepy, so sleepy I feel I can fall asleep right here right now. I have been going to bed so late since I am in Tangkak. I need to sleep more. Friday night will definitely be a sleepless night for me. I have to drive from Tangkak to Bangi to collect the sandwiches my ex-girlfriend made for me. And then I will have to go to Kelana Jaya to fetch the rest of my friends who carpool with me. I will have to drive to the starting point of the mountain, settle down and then start the hike. I am not sure if I would still have the energy to hike. I must ensure I get enough of everything before I go for the hike. Enough salt, enough carbohydrate, and enough sleep.

You might be wondering about the sandwiches. Ein is my eight girlfriend, I think. I cannot remember anymore but my relationship with her lasted 14 months. I was in my early twenties. So she offered to make me egg sandwiches for my hike and I accepted her offer. I have not seen her for a long time. The last time I saw her was in Putrajaya when I was manning my drink stall. Apparently, she works there and she was surprised to see me. I was surprised to see her too but both of us did not think it was us so we did not talk to each other. She kept looking at me when she went to her seat to sit and I knew it then that it was really her. I waved at her and smiled and she smiled too. She came to my stall and we chatted. That was years ago when I was living there. Right now, 6 years have passed and I only see her on facebook. She has three children now and I can tell she gets prettier as she aged. If she had not done what she did to me, I am sure I would still be with her. oh well, anyway that is one dinosaur story.

I got to go Diary. I need to sleep.   

It is All About Actions

Dear Diary,

Eversince I came up with the idea of daily routine, I always strive to do something productive everyday.  It has been a month and a half and if I do not do anything productive, I will feel awkward and uneasy. The things I must do daily are praying on time, 30 minutes workout, housework, read, write, mengaji, memorizing any Doa which I want to and work such as Uber, Forex, and E-commerce. That is how I challenge myself. I fill up my time with things that produce the result for my own betterment.

 I need to be productive and positive. I always make sure I am feeling good the minute I wake up from sleep. What and how you feel every morning determines your mood for the rest of the day. I know I must always be feeling enthusiastic and excited about things. When that happens, I realize I can make magic out of it. I cannot deny there were times when I felt lazy to workout but I thought to myself, what is it that makes me feel lazy? It is just a 30 minutes workout. It will be over before I even know it. It really takes a lot of discipline to feel good and look good. Do it, and then you will feel motivated to do it, I did and it is true.

I am back at Forex again and my analysis for the past two days, have been accurate. I read the charts and I made my own judgments without outside influence. Usually, I do not read any other person’s opinion on forex because forex is a very subjective matter. You simply cannot apply the monkey-see-monkey-do principle if you want to do forex. You simply can’t. Forex needs more of your attention than just copying other people’s trade plan. It is not something where you can ask people to trade for you simply because you think you have the money to trade or perhaps you are being lazy to learn. Some people are like that. They want to improve their lives and boost their income but they refuse to learn and go through the hardships of learning and expect things to be easy. We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.

I have come across people like that plenty of times. Those who want to be financially strong but not willing to explore opportunities and those who want to lose weight but do not want to go on a diet and exercise. I only have one word for them; Lazy with a capital “L”. All they do is grumble and complain. The power is in their hands but they expect the power to activate on its own. How sad is that? People must realize that the first requirement in taking a step in the right direction is to take a step in some direction. Knowledge does not equate success, actions do.

I am going hiking again this weekend Diary. It will be two mountains in Gerik Perak. Gunung Kenderung and Gunung Kerunai. We call them K2. It sounds like the most dangerous mountain in the world but it is not. This is K2 of Malaysia instead of K2 of Pakistan and China. Since I have completed the seven highest mountains in Peninsular Malaysia or better known as G7, I think I am going to focus more on Trans Mountains in Malaysia and go hiking in Indonesia, Philippines, Nepal and other countries. I guess I will never stop hiking until the day I die because in every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.

I got to go already. I need to memorize line 11 of Doa Qunut. 

Learning The Muqaddam Brings Back Memories

Dear Diary,

I learned how to read the muqaddam tonight. After Isya, mum taught me how to read it. I stopped at page 4. I started with the very basic ones. I need to work out a system where I can make myself recognize the character more easily. Just now brought back the memories I have learned 32 years ago. While I was learning, it brought me to the olden days when my brother was still alive and I learned how to read with him. He was not a fast learner so he was always left behind. One must be very patient and understanding to teach him. Among the siblings, he was the slowest academically but he certainly had the heart of gold. I could not compete with him on that. My brother had the purest heart. I feel very sympathetic towards him. Sometimes, I would help him with his school work. To the outside world we all grow old, but not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family grieves and joys. We live outside the touch of time. While many can share their childhood memories and grown-up dreams with their brothers, I cannot. I can only reminisce.  

There was a time when we learned the muqaddam, he would ask me when he could not recognize some of the characters. Mum was very strict. Both of us would be scolded if we read the characters wrong. My brother often got scolded, pinched and caned. He cried sometimes and all I could do was watched and hoped that I would do better than him so I could escape the agony and miseries. Honestly, I did not like the way my mum taught us last time. It made us even more scared to learn and how we both hated the sessions very much. I supposed in the olden days, parents are strict with their children. I have heard from my aunt how my late grandfather was so strict that she hid under the bed just to escape from getting caned for forgetting the characters in the muqaddam.

I am not sure if it was good news but we did not last long with mum. She was busy with work and we simply stopped learning from her. I was happy, really I was. I was sure my brother was happy too as he did not have to endure the pain of getting pinched and scolded anymore. I never blamed mother. I understood her. We were all afraid of my mum. In her strictness, it was all for the sake of discipline. She may have made us so afraid of her but she was never abusive. Guess who got her temper? I do. I knew exactly where I got my temper from. My temper is fiery but controlled, unlike mum. Since I stopped learning from my mum, there were certain periods of my life where my parents enrolled me in religious classes but that was it. So you see Diary, I had the fundamentals but it is simply a matter of inconsistency. I did not practice and so I had forgotten. Do you know that my mother had finished reading the Quran for the 10^th time already? She is good at it. She recognizes the characters and she can read steadfastly. I have a mother who is a steady Quran reader but look at me. Well, what can I say? Mum bought me the muqaddam and iqra yesterday from the bookshop. I supposed she wants to redeem what she was supposed to do years ago. I love my mother unconditionally. If she does not teach me the muqaddam, I would still love her regardless.  

I actually miss my brother. I was holding back my tears when I was reading the muqaddam while my mum was watching me. I did not want her to see me cry. I felt it out of a sudden. It just happened you know. I mean, I was doing the thing which I used to do with my late brother when we were young. The memories came and I felt a little overwhelmed. I have not talked about him for a long time because I know whenever I talk about him, I would cry.  You know that there’s no other love like the love for a brother and there’s no other love like the love from a brother.

It has been 12 years but the sadness still lingers. I supposed we stop talking about the sad things in our lives to avoid being sad all over again.  I stop talking about some people just so I could move on with my life and that includes my brother. It is not that I have forgotten about the people who have come into my life, but it is to safeguard myself from feeling the miseries all over again of losing my loved ones. So I stopped talking about them like as if I do not have any memories of them. That’s just it. I supposed everybody would do the same. I miss you, my brother. If only I could tell you how the nights grow cold without you and the world is filled with the anguish of my loneliness and the stars join me in sorrow while I long without wearying to hold you once more in my arms, to tell you of my lame jokes, to embrace you, to tell you I love you every day and to let you know how much I have been missing you since you died.   

Loving All Positivities

Dear Diary,

The search for a hotel in Bali proved that searching for accommodation for your aged parents is a tall order. Most of the hotels do not have lifts and not all serve halal breakfast. Bali consists of mostly Hindus, therefore, this explains why. I have canceled about 3 hotels already. My priority is a room on ground floor or hotels which upper floors are accessible by lifts. I spent the whole day scanning the website. I read reviews, I looked at the pictures, I looked at the satellite maps of the locations and I booked the hotels. After booking, I sent an email to confirm if they serve halal breakfast and rooms on ground floor. That is how detailed I have to be when looking for accommodation when I travel with my parents.

I have to finish this task by today as tomorrow starts my quest to finish my e-commerce store. I need to launch it soon. Weekdays are the time when I want to focus on Forex, E-commerce, and Uber. Weekends will be my rest and relax time. I have been following my schedule closely. The workout is an everyday thing nowadays. I start my day with Subuh and then 30 minutes workout. Housework will depend on situations. Most of the time, mum has already done the laundry and cooking. I will vacuum and mop the house. I will fold the laundry and send them to respective rooms.

I really want to do more but I cannot seem to be ahead of mum with the laundry. She wakes up earlier than I do and the laundry department of the house belongs to her. I let it be because I know it is pointless to challenge her. I have told you before I cannot work together with mum. We simply can’t. When two strong-headed persons get together, you will get some sort of natural disasters in the house. Mum always gives in to me because she knows how stubborn and fiery my temper can be. There are times when I gave in to her. I have learned simply how to agree to disagree silently. It is not a big deal, really. The chores still get done only that it is not done my way. Task completed, that is objective and as long as things are completed without hurting each other’s feelings, I think I can live with that.  

So while we are here in Tangkak, I am doing the same only that it is more taxing here. The house is bigger and we have indoor and outdoor space in the house, so big means tired. I am lucky mum did not think of building a double story bungalow when she decided to build this house otherwise I would have considered cleaning this house as my daily workout routine.

I am moving on to line 10 of Doa Qunut Diary. I am slow to memorize because I know I have not made enough effort. I have not been focusing more on Doa Qunut but I am still progressing. I think I will be good by this week and I can pray Subuh reciting Doa Qunut by Friday the latest, Insha Allah. Oh, my God, I cannot believe when the day comes. I will probably be the happiest woman on earth being able to recite Doa Qunut. To some, it may not be a great accomplishment but trust me, when you are jawi illiterate and knows only some surahs that you can count with your fingers, being able to do something like this is truly an amazing thing.

I believe I am blessed Diary. I am doing all the positive things nowadays. I improve my prayer, I checked with friends about the correct habits and practices when we pray, I watch youtube videos from recognised Ustaz and Ustazah, I memorise Doa Qunut, I workout daily to improve my health and fitness, I look for ways to diversify my income and I teach myself to be grateful for the simplest things that happen in my life. I complain less and I stop feeling sorry for myself when things do not go my way. I stay away from negative people and I only give attention to people who bring positivity into my life. I notice my mood has improved and I will carry on like this. The power of “I am”.

Oh Diary, while I am writing to you, mum told me to learn how to read the muqadam from her. I am really blessed! I love my parents so much. Thank you, Allah for the wonderful family you gave me.  As I slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point my way. May the sunshine, all day long, everything goes right, and nothing wrong. May those I love bring love back to me, and may all the wishes I wish to come true!

My Pledge To My Dad

Dear Diary,

I am in Tangkak since two days ago and I finally find the time to write to you. How are you Diary? I hope you are in the pink of health and happy with what is going on in your life. I am all fine here with many things to do to keep myself busy and distracted. I have scheduled my hiking trips monthly. My daily schedule continues as usual. I am still at line 9 of Doa Qunut. I have not moved on yet as I am still trying hard to remember the last 3 lines fondly. Today, I am going to recite all the 9 lines at once repeatedly to see how I have progressed.

On my way to Tangkak on the bus, I recited the Doa constantly and I knew I am just an inch away to moving on to line 10. It is just that I want to make sure I am not confused. Friends have told me to write it down and paste it on my wall where I pray so I can read it while praying. That will boost my quest to memorise it. I know I need to do it, but my printer is out of order and I need to get it print somewhere else, which I have not get it done yet. And now that I am in Tangkak, I really have no idea where to do it.

I sent an email to the hotel which I am going to put up at in Bali. Apparently, the family bungalow which I have booked is located on the second floor of the hotel. The rooms on the ground floor are all the standard rooms. You know I will be bringing my parents so this is a big no-no to dad. Dad is getting weak day by day. His legs are not like before anymore. He cannot walk for long and staircase is not his best friend.

Sometimes, I feel like dad is simply lazy to improve his health and well being. He does not exercise and his free sugar intake per day is plenty. I am angry and disappointed. But what can I do? He is 70 years old and people get weaker as they age. I am not sure how would I fare when I get to 70 years old, I do not even know if I can get to live that long. I have learnt how to accept things. I realised that my daddy is the only man I love and I am sure he would give his arms and legs for my happiness and for my safety. I would do the same for him. The thing about family disasters is that you never have to wait long before the next one puts the previous one into perspective.

I have decided to change to a hotel which is convenient for both my parents. The first priority is to be on the ground floor. I want to make it easy for dad. I also need to request for wheelchair service at the airport. I saw how difficult it was for dad when we came back from Sabah. The distance from the aerobridge to the passport counters was so far. We had to stop many times just so dad could rest a bit before continuing to walk. I had to admit that I was losing my patience with him but I still managed to keep my calm. It is not that I could not understand his situation but like I said earlier, he is overweight, he does not exercise and his free sugar intake daily is plenty. So tell me something which I do not know that makes a man unhealthy and weak at that age? I came to the realization that there is no cure for laziness but a large family helps or in my case a small one and in time of test, family is best.

I have gone for health talks and coaching. People live up till the age of 80 on the average and women live longer than men. And the doctor said that men will be at his weakest and sickest age during the last 10 years of his life. Dad is probably going through that phase of his life and I must understand him. If I want to bring him for holidays, then I must be sincerely willing to provide him with all the necessities and conveniences. I cannot complain nor can I get upset with him. I must make him comfortable as this could be his last holiday.

I have watched him took care of my late brother. I have seen how he showered my brother every morning before he went to work. I saw him cleaned my brother whenever my brother peed or pooed. Dad would wipe the mess my brother did without complaint. He was an angel Diary. He did not care if he was deadbeat or my brother was too heavy for him to carry. I got to thinking how Mother Nature is wonderful. Children get too old for piggy-back rides just about the same time they get too heavy for them but dad still did it like how every father would. He did all that until the day my brother passed. On the last night before my brother breathed his last breath, dad was so calmed you would not know that this man has just lost his flesh and blood; a son. I believe he was seen like that as a father's love is whole no matter how many times divided. 

I have pledged to myself that I will take care of him. I am buying him a wheelchair soon so it would be easier to bring him around. I have taught myself that if I have to spend the rest of the time while my dad was alive with him in a wheelchair, then I would. I shall not whine about it. I will push him in his wheelchair proudly because I know he would do the same for me and even more. Dad will always be my favourite toy. If I cannot find someone who understands and is willing to let me do this for my family, then I might as well be on my own than having a girlfriend who is fearful of me spending my time with my family. This is all for the reason that I certainly do not need someone who only wants everything for herself and thinks only for herself. Being with a self-centred person is probably more of a headache than being with my parents. Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Rich or poor, healthy or sick, we will keep together and be happy in one another. I have learnt how to do just that.

Take care Diary, I will write again, soon.

Practice Really Makes It Perfect

Dear Diary,

The hike to Bukit Berekeh was not easy neither was it tough. I would say that it was challenging in the sense inclination was steep and the terrain was slippery with loose rocks although it was not raining. One false move and you could be tumbling down and if you are out of luck, you could be badly injured if you fall out of trek and into the ravine. Yes, I am serious.

There were 42 of us. I was in the first group. I was the second female climber to reach the summit. It was short but it was quite a challenge. This time I made sure I had 1 extra set of batteries as I know my headlight is 300 lumens and uses lots of electricity. I climbed with Nad. She was always at the front and I followed her closely behind. I saw how Nad has improved. Her pace was like mine and I was kind of surprise with her performance.

I have been encouraging Sarah and Nad to jump rope at home for at least 25 minutes daily. And Nad has been doing it with discipline. She also trains hard outside with Sarah. She goes for short hikes over the weekend. With the jump rope practice at home and the weekend short hikes, she has significantly improved. You see what practice does to a person Diary? I would like to stress that practice makes perfect. I know I have said it before but I would like to reiterate.

We are preparing ourselves for Rinjani and it is important to train hard. Another one of our friends will join us. So there will be 4 of us. I would say that she is just an acquaintance to me. Her mother runs a restaurant business in USJ and I have been to her restaurant a couple of times recently. I know that restaurant very well. I used to have dinner and lunch there when I was living in USJ. Going there brings back memories. It was still the same like before. Nothing much has changed since the last time I went there 9 years ago.

But I never saw her before. All I could remember was her mother. She was 17 at that time and I guess she was too young to take over the business. Now she is 27 and she is taking over the family’s business so she is always at the restaurant. She did not believe I am 40 years old. She was shocked and I smiled at her. Apparently, she is a friend of Nad. They know each other well and sometimes we get discounts. Well, not that we come there for the discounts but the food they serve taste really good. I am honest about it. Her restaurant serves good food, affordable price and friendly and polite owner so what more could you ask for? I just hope she knows what she is signing for when she agreed to go to Rinjani.

Anyway, I am resting my muscles today. I think I am also resting myself. I am still sleepy and tired. I will be going to Tangkak again tomorrow with mother. It will be just the two of us. I have a hike in the second week of February. I need to train hard. I need to work on my core. I have two weeks to train before the hike. It is time to focus on forex and also e-commerce now. I am still following my schedule. It is just that I am taking a break today. I have done packing for tomorrow and I will start working on Thursday. Oh, wow…there are so many things to do now.

I must train physically for Rinjani. I must finish my online store. I must start reading forex chart. I must memorise Doa Qunut, oh Diary I am actually at line 9 already. Not bad huh? Well, discipline that is what it is all about. You walk the talk. 

I got to go now Diary. Take care.   

    

Friday Talk

Dear Diary,

I am on the bus now on the way to Tangkak. I got to Larkin at 2.15pm and I immediately went to look for the ticket. Bus leaves at 2.30pm and I thank God I still had time to catch it otherwise I have to wait for the 3.30pm bus. I got a twin seat all to myself. I feel comfortable without having to share my seat with strangers. I think I will be at Tangkak by 6 in the evening. I will buy myself Ramlee Burger for dinner and will call grab to send me home. I hope there are grab drivers around. It is cheaper to use grab service instead of the taxi. The taxi will cost rm10 and grab is only rm3. 

I used grab once when there was no taxi available. It was on a Friday and just in time for the Friday prayers. I was worried I had to wait for a long time and I tried my luck to call grab. I was in luck and a driver answered my call. He sent me home for rm3. I almost choke laughing at the fare. It was too cheap. I somewhat felt pity for the driver. But hey I don't control the fares, although it was to my benefits for the low fare I still feel sad for the driver. I am sleepy Diary. I don't know what is wrong with me, I think I am having my period but the flow was too little. I am not sure if I can call it period blood. I really hope there is nothing wrong with me. I want to be healthy so I can continue serving my parents until their last breath. 

I am actually contemplating to buy a windbreaker or not. I need a big one because I am going to wear it over my winter jacket but I feel like I have been spending too much on stuff for hiking and travelling. What I really need right now is a pair of trekking poles and a camera sleeve. The trekking poles are for my Rinjani trip and also my Fuji trip. I am getting the black diamond one. I need to see what size suits me best. There are 3 sizes and all of them are foldable. I am so sleepy now Diary...I think I want to get a nap on the bus. 

I will write again soon.

Relaxing Thursday

Dear Diary,

I am going hiking on Saturday and so I will be going to Tangkak tomorrow and spend the night there. I will drive up to USJ on Saturday and off I go hiking with Nad and 39 other hikers. I do not know all of them except for Nad. I am excited to hike. I cannot wait to burn all the bad fats in my body. 

I am a little busy today relaxing. hahaha I passed the tests and now I am waiting for the official licence to be a commercial driver. I still have not look at my forex chart and I still have not finished my outstanding e-commerce store. I will focus after the hike. I have many activities lining up right now. Ohh geez...I think I got to slow down a bit. 

I got to go Diary...

I Made It With Love and Prayers

Dear Diary,

The test for paper 2 was challenging but I still managed to pass. I was surprised myself. To be honest, I did not expect to pass as I really had a gruelling time completing the paper. I knew I had studied enough to pass. I was sure I had done my best but still, the questions in paper 2 were tricky. I had to read the questions more than once in order to comprehend. We were only allowed to have 7 wrong answers and when I was done with paper 2, I went through the paper again to answer those questions I skipped.

The questions I skipped were not questions that tested my memorising skills. They were merely questions I never thought would come out. It was easy if you read through the notes with full comprehension. I did not absorb the information from the book as a whole. I did not digest every single line and so I did not overload myself with all the facts found in the book. The questions which I expected to come out did not and vice versa. So really, how could I anticipate myself to pass when my confidence level was going downhill while I was struggling to answer?

How did I pass then? Somehow I knew I had worked hard enough and Allah probably knows it. I prayed to Him to let me pass and I did my part to convince him how serious I was. I asked mom to pray for me 30 minutes before the test. I supposed sensibility came knocking to my heart and so I asked the one woman who carried me in her womb for nine and a half months and who love me unconditionally for a favour.

“Mak, doakan Ati pass…”

So, while checking the paper, I realised that some of the answers to the questions I had skipped were inside the test paper in some of the questions. Questions like what are the operational hours of the bus lane in Singapore and what does PDVL mean. Those answers were repeatedly found in the other questions. I simply had to be attentive and spot them. As I could recall, there were about 3 questions on the operational hours of the bus lane. After spotting my mistakes, I corrected them but still, that did not boost my confidence level. Time was running out and I had 15 minutes more to submit my answers.

I had finished the paper but I was afraid to submit for checking. I did not want to fail. I wanted to pass both the papers today and I knew I still had to submit to know the result. I knew if I treat every situation as a life and death matter, I'll die a lot of times. I recognize deep in my heart I have done my best. I have the prayer of a woman who gave birth to me. What more could I ask for? I cleared myself of all the worries and fear and leave the rest to Allah. I clicked on the “Tabulate Result” button and I got 86% as the result. The passing grade is 86% and I did it. I almost jumped out of my seat. I was overjoyed. Happiness engulfed me and I knew it then that if I simply am grateful for the little things in life, I can feel happiness within me. I alone can make myself happy without needing anyone to make it happen. I cannot put the key to my happiness in someone else's pocket. I don't think you can feel a sense of entitlement and still be happy. Happiness always comes from feeling that you've been blessed.  Allah listens to my prayers and the prayer of my mother strengthens it.

I have read somewhere that we need people to pray for us especially people like our mother and father. We are nothing without their prayers. Whatever you do, prioritise your parents first than anybody else because your paradise is at the bottom of your mother’s foot, your destiny will be determined by how you treat your parents. Do good to your parents and good will come to you.

I saw people from my batch failed again for both papers and I can only sympathise them. It is not easy I know. Remember the boy who wanted to study with me for the test? He did not make it for both papers. I gave him my study tips and I told him not to give up. 

As I was walking out of the test centre, I broke the news to mom and then to nad, sarah and curly fries. I simply had to share with them because they know what is going on in my life now. It is good to have people that you can share your joy with. And now, I am breaking the news to you Diary.  Tell me you are proud of me because I am of myself. I am happy, I am blessed and I am loved.

Thank you for the prayer, Mak.

Take care Diary. 

Re-Test is Today

Dear Diary,

I cannot write much. I am busy as a bee. My tests are today and I am preparing for it now. I just completed a mock test online. I am doing good so far but I am not sure if I will do this well on the actual test. I hope I can pass my test today so I can move on to the next step and start focusing on E-Commerce and Forex. I have not got the time to check on Forex. I spend so much of my time studying and revising for this test.

Ok Diary, got to go now. Later ok. 

Dividing My Time Wisely

Dear Diary,

I am in better control of my emotions now. I listen to many motivational videos and I am busy with my own things especially my preparations for the test. I think I will do fine this time. I have finished all the chapters and tomorrow will be the revision days for me until Wednesday. The test will be at 345 pm until 6.15pm. There will be two papers. I am only allowed 10 wrong answers for Paper 1 and 7 wrong answers for Paper 2. Oh Diary, I hope I can pass this time. I will push myself hard to memorise all the cost of fines and the demerit points that come with the fines.

I have been disciplined enough to do at least 5 things from the list of things to do I have. Workout and pray are compulsory. I never skip them. I have plenty of time nowadays but I am not sure if I will once I start driving Uber. I still think I will have time but I have to wake up earlier and then reschedule my timetable. I am excited to add another stream of income to my portfolio. I will have to start on my Forex tomorrow. I have not been trading for 3 weeks. December is not a good month to trade as it is the holiday season in the USA. The market will be erratic and move very slow. I was busy in early January and since I came back from Sabah, I have to study for my test. My time is reserved.  

I have not completed my E-commerce. I was supposed to this week but studying for the test has taken up my time. I guess the priority now is to pass the test. I will come back to my E-commerce store once I am done with the test. Perhaps I can try to squeeze my time to finish my store in between. We will see how it goes. 

Oh, before I forgot I manage to memorise the fourth line of Doa Qunut. Hooray for me. I want to recite it to my mom but I am shy. I am just reciting it to myself daily. I think I will recite it to Curly Fries. Curly Fries surely would give me some encouragement. I will do it tomorrow. 

I am sleepy Diary. I got to go sleep. You take care now ok. 

Afraid of Losing

Dear Diary,

I studied for my Highway Code test all day long. In between, I memorise the third line of Doa Qunut. I have remembered the first three lines well now and tomorrow, I will memorise the fourth line. I am excited actually to complete the memorising process of this Doa. If I can remember it well, it would mean so much to me. I know I can because I memorised Ayat Kursi spontaneously and also Doa Selamat both at the same time. I did not even plan to memorise them but I happened to recite both Doas daily and somehow I memorise them naturally.

My brother died and so after his death, I became religious in some way. Reading Ayat Kursi and reciting the Doa Selamat after prayers became my habit and I think, after one full month they are in my head. I did not have to refer to the books. They are in my head and they flow out of my mouth without me having to work hard recalling every verse. Can you see the miracles that practice can do to you? They surely can do magic. I suppose that is what it means when people say practice makes perfect. I certainly have to apply this to Forex and E-Commerce.

How are you Diary? I hope you are good and happiness is engulfing you. My test for the Highway Code is on the 24^th of January. It is on Wednesday. I have three full days to study the remaining chapters. I have two more chapters, I will complete them tomorrow. I will do my revision on Monday and Tuesday. There is a boy who asked me to meet up on Monday and Tuesday to study together. I do not like that idea because I know I cannot focus if I study outside. It is noisy and a lot of distractions. I cannot concentrate and I think I will decline his offer. He is young, about 24 years old. When I told him my age, he was in disbelieve. Well, who can blame him? I got that a lot actually.

I went to a health coaching talk last week and it was only for those 40 years old and above. The nurse looked at me and asked if I am above 40, I said yes and she seemed hesitant to believe me and asked for my identification jokingly. I would have willingly obliged if she was serious about it. I think I take after mother. She is 66 years old and she does not look her age. She looks 50 and I know for sure, I got her genes. I really am her reproduce.

I inherited her looks as well as her temper. My eloquence comes from her and my high spirit is a courtesy of her too. Nowadays, I wonder what would happen to me if I were to lose mother. I came to know that a friend lost her mother a few days ago. She used to be close to me although she is in Malaysia and I am in Singapore. I always hang out with her whenever I came to Kuala Lumpur to chill. We are not that close anymore but we still keep in touch. I have not had the chance to ask her well being and so I wonder if she is broken inside. I am sure she is because it is not easy to lose a mother.

I would be heartbroken. I think I would be scared like a lost little puppy in a big world. Mother is my backbone. We have our equal shares of misunderstandings, quarrelling, disagreements and falling-out but I still come back home to mother when I am down. I do not share my stories with her but I know I just needed to be physically close to her for me to feel calm and serene. When love hit me hard, I took it to heart. Knowing I still have my mother to love me despite losing the woman I have always love, I still feel blessed. If she is gone, I think I would be the daughter with the broken lost soul crying to sleep in frenzy and I know no one else can soothe me like one warm mother-kiss dried the little-wet eyes and stilled the little-troubled heart of mine.

I cannot envision when the time comes and how I am going to face it. I am fearful Diary. I do not show my emotions openly. I do not know how. If people were to ask me how am I, notwithstanding all the sadness and broken I feel deep down inside my heart, I would still smile and say I am doing ok. I suppose most of us grieve behind closed doors because that is when we are most contented to show our truest sentiments. There are some grieves so loud, they could bring down the sky and there are grieves so still, none knows how deep they lie, endured and never expended.

I supposed when the time comes, I still have you to write my sad stories from the heart.

Take care Diary