Saving For A Vacation With My Parents

Dear Diary,

 

I am in the office killing my time by writing to you discreetly. Of course I cannot be doing this as this is not part of my job scope. I have decided to go easy on my work and write to you instead. My attitude is so much different than when I was in the bank. Sales was everything to me. I did nothing but everything that I could to achieve my sales target. Well, things are different now here. I take my job easy and I do what I can to get a sale. I still don’t know what is going to be my plan. Am I going to open a food stall, drive a cab, get a new non sales job or continue my contract here. I am contemplating and I have not decided yet. What I do know now is I want to go for a holiday with my parents and I want to spend some time in Tangkak after I finish my contract.

 

I am planning for a Vietnam tour next year in March. I will be going with my parents. We are going to take a tour package and I have arranged for it already. I need to put aside some money for this tour. I will probably have to spend a thousand altogether. Mother is getting $600 from her company for this trip. The package probably cost us about USD 550 each inclusive of flight ticket. I have the money already but I am saving $100 every month to top up my savings. It hurts a bit to use up your savings but I know this is natural. It is just that I simply want to save as much as I could so my savings will not dry up. 

The road tax for my car is expiring end of May in 2014 and that would cost me about RM500 to renew the road with the insurance. I have to be financially prepared for all these. Although I have the money ready now but I still feel that I have a duty to save and top up my savings instead of simply using it. The savings are for my business plan. I know what I want and where I want to be in 4 years time. I am doing it for myself and my family. I am focus now. Whoever is waiting for me then, it is secondary. The primary thing is to get my plan executed and my ass back to where my heart is; Subang Jaya.  

 

I am a little bit worried about dad as we have to get into and out of a small sampan in one of the days of the tour. I wonder if his legs are strong enough to climb in and out of the sampan. The thing about my dad is he is mentally weak and can be quite demanding when it comes to travelling. I have mentally prepared myself too for the worst. It takes a lot of patience to bring my parents. Mother is one hot tempered old woman and my dad is one slow hard of hearing demanding old man. You have to shout at him in order for him to hear you. He is wearing hearing aid but he is lazy to switch it on sometimes and that resulted in you raising your voice. People who don’t know my family will think that we are one weird family but that is what it is all about and that makes us one family. 

 

I am already writing down the list of the things to bring for this trip. I cannot wait to use my camera. I bought the camera for my backpacking trip which I had planned with Hello Kitty in March 2014 but since we have broken up, this trip is a good replacement. I have yet to buy a tripod for the camera. I am thinking of bringing a foldable metal chair for my dad so it is easy for him to sit as and when he likes during the tour. Dad does not have strong legs anymore. He is overweight and he needs to sit now and then if he is walking. 

I pray to Allah that it will be easier for us. It looks like my big brother is not coming with us so I will be the one to take care of my parents while we are there. I just need to be patient with things and I wish mother is going to be considerate as well and mellow down with her temper. I hope she will leave the tiger in her behind in Singapore when we leave for Vietnam and may things be a smooth sailing for all of us.

I Am Still Bitter With Her

 Dear Diary,

 

I was supposed to tell you this long time ago but I have been lazy to write. The more convenient it is for me to write the more lazy I have become. I have an iPad, samsung Tab, laptop and a smart phone all equipped with internet access and yet I do not write. It is true what people say in my last entry, you will only appreciate what you have when you do not have them anymore. Going back to my story, during Ramadan I saw Infinity in Singapore. It was in Geylang Serai where it is the most happening place in Singapore during Ramadan. I was with a colleague window shopping and I noticed a woman came up to me and stood there smiling looking directly at me. I looked at her and it took me a few seconds until I could tell who she was. I swear I could not recognized her. She looked so different now. She has put on weight, her dressing was so off and she wore her hair differently when I saw her. If there is one word in Malay that I would describe her, it would be ‘Selekeh’.

 

Yes. Selekeh is the most appropriate word. Her jeans was over sized and she was wearing this baggy t-shirt with a pair of slippers with a sling bag over her shoulder. When I finally recognized her, I was surprised to see her there. I mean, she has no relatives here in Singapore, no business here so what was it that made her here. I walked up to her and I smiled back. I asked her and she smiled coyly at me and said she was meeting a friend. 

 

That is how she is and I hate her for that. Infinity is not at all feminine. She can answer simple questions so coyly you would think that she is just an attention seeker. I did not push her for answers and I did not press her for explanations. I figured that I do not deserve to know neither did she owe me any answers or explanations about her presence there. I smiled back at her and I said goodbye and walked away. It was a good 3 minutes encounter with an ex girlfriend. I did not even ask where was she staying and stuffs like that. I know I am still bitter with her. I may be over her but I still cannot forget what she has done to me. I probably will take my whole life forgetting it. 

This is the thing with me you know Diary. I can love a person like blood and I can hate a person like hell. I am hating her like hell now. And I know if she is in need of help at that time, I am not surprise if I can walk away from her without rendering any aid. I am not proud of myself. It is not right and it is bad but I cannot change myself. She hurt me like no other woman hurt me. That was the first time I have ever felt so hurt that I almost lose myself. I swear I heard voices in my head one night telling me to strangle her to death in the middle of the night. I was up one night and I looked at her sleeping on her side of the bed. I just sat there staring at her. I could have done it but I didn’t. I was thankful that my faith was stronger than love and I went back to sleep. It was not worth it. It came to a point where I was afraid of myself. I guess I made the right decision of moving out from there. The rest was history.

 

I did not feel sorry of what I did neither did I think about it. I did not mean to treat her like that. It was spontaneous and it was natural of me. I wish I could have treated her better but I must be true to  myself. Have you ever heard how people keep telling other people to be themselves? This is it Diary, I was simply being myself just like how she was being herself when she was courting another girl while we were living in the same house. I was being myself just like how she was being herself when she was sweet talking on the phone in our bed while I was beside her. I was being myself just like how she was being herself when she treated me as if I was invisible. So Diary, to compare what I did to her to the things she did to me when we were living under the same roof, she could have pass as wicked, heartless and cruel easily.

There I was alive, in the same house, in the same bed with her and she could just changed in a split second. So don’t blame me for being bitter. What she did to me was exactly what I did to Manhattan and yet Manhattan can accept me back as a friend. She even helped me when I needed  her help. That is why I have the most utmost respect for Manhattan because I swear I cannot do it. Infinity and I had a bitter break up. She did a lot of things to me that hurt me. I cannot accept her as a friend in my life, not yesterday, not today and not tomorrow.

My New Friend and My Insurance Policies

Dear Diary,

I am driving to Tangkak again this weekend and I am excited.  The excitement that I am feeling is probably because I will be driving. Driving long distance always makes me thrilled. Back then when I was living in Subang Jaya, I drove to Tangkak often alone. I would turned on the radio loudly and I would smoke occassionally. I enjoyed those moments although I was alone. This time, I cannot smoke neither can I turn the radio out loud as I will be with my parents. Nevertheless, it still makes me happy.

I did not plan this as my pocket money for November is almost zero but mom is free this weekend and she asked if I could drive them to Tangkak. I had my mind made up to work overtime this Saturday. I supposed I had to sacrifice for my parents again. I find it hard to decline their request. Declining their request makes me feel bad and lousy. As much as I want to make that extra bucks, I do not want to turn my parents down too. I read somewhere that we can always make money but we can never buy time. I could not agree more. The number of sacrifices I made for my parents are nothing compared to their sacrifices made for me.  I can never repay them because they gave me life.

I have a new friend Diary. She is from abroad and apparently her number has been in my contact list for as long as God knows. I was scrolling my list and I came upon her name. I text her and it all started from there. She is friendly and polite and I think we get along fine. I have made a couple of friends this way before. We have chatted before and exchanged numbers but we did not text nor call each other until only after I came across that unfamiliar name and I began texting. I don’t know why but it seems to me that I get along fine with Malaysians than fellow Singaporeans. Yes, I have more friends in Malaysia than in Singapore.

Biya is her name and she is younger than I am. I don’t know much about her let alone how she looks like. But I don’t really care as the agenda here is to make friends instead of girlfriends. Isn’t it right Diary? I have nothing in my mind right now except to know more people like me. Friendship is primary while love is secondary.  From my conversations with her I am assuming that we could probably end up as business partners one day. She was in small scale business before and she has a few business skills that I never had. She went for some courses in Tekun Nasional and yes, I am impressed. She does not speak English well though but who cares right? I have to admit that women who speak poor English never fail to turn me off but I have decided to fuck it because it does not matter anymore.

Did I tell you I have bought two new insurance policies Diary? I bought one from a friend in Malaysia and one in Singapore. It is a hospitalisation plan. I need one cos I don’t have any. The one in Malaysia is an endowment plan which gives me death benefit and 37 critical illnesses protection. I bought them because I thought the existing one I had has lapsed and it is inactive anymore. However, I decided to check with Prudential and apparently it is still active even though I have lapsed the payments for almost 4 years now. The original monthly premium is rm200 but after being lapsed, Prudential actually used my cash value in my policy to service my premium for the time I lapsed the payments. Therefore some of the benefits I was covered no longer exist in my policy like personal accident protection and hospitalisation coverage. The premium has been reduced too. 

Though the protection has been reduced, it is still good news to me as I have enough protection for myself now. I only need to upgrade my hospitalisation to a comprehensive one which covers outpatient cost as well and I feel I am good then. I am sure I will be alone when I am old cos it sure looks like I am not getting married, well to a man at least. I just want to make sure I have enough cash and protection for my retirement. If nobody is going to take care of myself, I supposed I have to do it myself.

Keeping My Options Open To Make A Living

Dear Diary,

 

My savings is growing and I am proud of myself. If I had known how easy it is for me to save, I would have started saving the minute I came back to Singapore. I did not think of it at that time. All I was thinking was to get money quickly for me to start my own business.

 

I was impatient and I couldn’t wait. I ended up in the real estate industry struggling to make ends meet when I could have spent my time working a decent job with a basic salary. How ignorant I was at that time. I am pissed at myself for not realizing reality quickly then but it is okay Diary, experience is the teacher of fools. Yes, I sadly admit that I was the fool at that time. Now that I have enough money to start the stall, I am having second thoughts about it. Can you believe me Diary? I am not sure what has gotten into me but I think I am at my comfort zone now.

 

Although I do not enjoy my job scope, I have to admit I enjoy getting paid. I do not have to worry about paying rent for the stall, salaries for the staffs, paying bills for utilities and so on and on. The list can be endless. Yes, I may be my own boss once I have the business running but it is not going to be that easy to sustain it. We all know that. Anyway the plan is to start the business in Kuala Lumpur in four years time. 2017, that’s the year I am looking forward to. However, I still hope to have a business here in Singapore too. Imagine this Diary, living in Kuala Lumpur and having an income in SGD. Isn’t that great? The exchange rate is superb now. Well I can have two incomes from two different countries can’t I? That’s the plan actually.

 

My contract with the current company ends in March 2014. I am still toying with the idea of changing job. I don’t know yet. Driving a taxi is one of the options. Can you imagine me driving a taxi? Well...I mean, I am a little shy about it. Well you know me Diary. I am naturally shy but I love driving. Of course I am not as skillful as Hamilton but I can drive like how I can work. The only concern that I have now is knowing how to get to the destinations. *chuckles* I am just afraid that I might end up somewhere far from the actual destination. Anyway I can always make use of GPS.

 

With advance technologies nowadays, you can be dependent on machines and technologies if you want to. I suppose if I am really going to give up my job, I would opt driving a taxi to make a living. It is equivalent to running your own food stall in the sense that you are your own boss. The good thing is, you can be alone to make a living out of it unlike running a stall where you need staffs to help you run operationally. You can earn slightly more driving a taxi than having a stall. I have done my research and yes it is possible. Oh well…I have not decided yet. I have to  make a decision soon and I hope it is a good one cos frankly, I have lost my steam with this job already. I am surviving for as long as I am required until I complete my contract.

 

Another option I have is to ask for a transfer at other departments. You see Diary, this company I am working for is a telco giant in Singapore. It has networks and businesses overseas. We are the leading telco here, therefore there are many opportunities to grow and the prospects are good. I hope I can be transferred doing any backend job. I think I will stay in the job until the time I have enough money to move to Kuala Lumpur. Oh Diary, it is hard to decide. I can say that I am comfortable with this company but it is sad to say I am not happy with my department. Well, never mind at least this job gives me the opportunity to earn and save money. I just wish I can coach myself to like my job. 

I Became A Zombie

Dear Diary,

 

                     It has been a few weeks of active days for me. The company I worked for has lots of programmes and activities llined up for us. I participated in the Race The Dead event in Sentosa last two weekends and yes it was fun. I enjoyed it very much. It has been a long time since I have had so much fun. I was a zombie and I had to chase the runners and get the flags from them. Some of them put up a fight while some simply surrender willingly. I supposed they are too tired already. 

The runners started with two flags and have to run a 5km race and the zombies are stationed along the 5km track. The zombies will stop the runners from reaching the finishing line with both flags. Zombies will try their best to pull off the flags from the runners. I got a total of 54 flags. That is really not bad for a 36 year old woman zombie who has not been working out for ages now. I have been lazy for as long as I can remember. I have not been jogging and working out in the gym. Although I have free access to my company’s gym, I prefer to go straight home after work. 

I supposed this is the thing with humans. We do not appreciate what we have while we have it. It takes the loss of what we have to make us appreciate what we have. It is ironic but that is the reality. I came 3 hours earlier as we had to get our make up done. We were advised to wear something that we do not want to wear anymore. My make up artist was quiet. She asked me if she can dirty and tear my t-shirt. She tore my shirt, she messed my hair and my face. Everybody said I looked like a real zombie. I took a picture of myself and showed it to my mother. She said it looked real. Nothing fancy about my make up. I did not have my eye balls popped out or a part of my brain was visible but the make up artist did her best to make me look like a zombie. 

I sent my picture to Flying Babe and she seemed afraid of it. She said that she has this fear with zombies because zombies are not like ghosts. Humans can shield off ghost by praying and reciting versus of the Quran while zombies are just not going to be afraid of holy words. She makes sense but it is funny and cute of her. I did not chat long with her. It is always like that nowadays. If there is a time where I will chat with her, it will simply be a short one. Things are different now and I supposed we know it. Even if I want to take this friendship one step further, I would have to think of the distances and how soon and true I will make it back to Subang Jaya. These are facts and the truths. I cannot brush them away. I don’t want to live in fantasies anymore. 

Oh Diary, whatever it is, I am sure I am happy now. I am single but I am happy. I hate my job  but I have a job that can give me the chance to make enough for my family and I. I have friends that I can chat and hang out with and I have money now. I don’t have a lot of money but I have enough to make me feel contented. Looking back, after all those years, how far I have came; I can truly say it now I am happy. I have broken up with Hello Kitty but that did not make me a sad woman. Of course  there are times where I would miss her company but believe me Diary, that is all I ever miss. 

I guess love  does not exists for her. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I know how weak I can get with women. Regardless of my true feelings, I can declare steady with a woman so easily and dump her the next week or even day. I think I know my weaknesses now. It is woman, it has always been. I am impulsive with woman. I guess I am safe where I am now. As long as I tell myself I am happy the way I am now, I guess I will be fine. I do not want to be with a woman whom I do not love and feel all bad and pressured to love her back. My focus now is to achieve my goals and live happy with or without my other half. 

Cerita Hari Selasa

Salam Diary,

Selamat tengah hari. Aku tidak berkerja hari ini kerana aku harus pergi ke hospital untuk medical check up aku. Ini adalah kali ke tiga selepas aku dikeluarkan dari hospital. Aku harus pergi medical check up sebulan sekali sehingga aku di istiharkan bebas daripada penyakit Tubercolosis. Setiap bulan aku harus ketepikan sedikit wang untuk perbelanjaan medical aku. Memang itu sudah termasuk dalam cost bulanan aku. Sebaik sahaja mendapat gaji, aku akan asing asingkan duit gaji aku mengikut percentage untuk simpanan, perbelanjaan dan bills. 

Memang aku belum pernah lagi kesempitan wang semenjak aku kembali ke Singapura. Mungkin aku seorang yang berdipsiplin dalam soal wang ringgit ataupun aku memang bukan seorang yang pemboros. Tetapi boleh dikatakan juga hampir setiap bulan aku akan shopping baju, seluar dan kasut. Tetapi Diary, jangan salah paham ya, bukanlah aku beli yang mahal mahal sahaja...baju baju dan seluar yang aku beli semuanya aku beli online dari cotton on dan kebanyakkannya semua daripada section yang 'nothing above $10'. 

Jadi memang aku sudah terbiasa dengan bershopping online dengan barang yang harga macam itu. Sesekali, harus memanjakan diri sendiri selepas berpenat lelah berkerja. Aku rasa memang sudah sekian lama aku tidak bershopping. Duit yang ada aku simpan untuk kecemasan dan untuk masa depan. Apa masa depan aku, aku tidak tahu tetapi sudah aku bilang aku ada rancangan. Boleh dikatakan duit aku sekarang ini sudah cukup untuk membuka gerai makan yang aku idam idamkan tetapi, bila sudah ada wang, aku pula yang seperti berubah fikiran. 

Nanti dulu Diary, jangan cepat menghukum. Aku berubah fikiran tentang soal mahu terus berkerja makan gaji atau mahu buka perniagaan aku sendiri. Sekarang ini kalau mahu diikutkan, aku sudah sedikit stable dengan perkerjaan aku. Sales aku sudah agak bagus dan peluang untuk aku membuat duit lebih banyak di tempat kerja aku ini. Selain dari basic pay, aku boleh mendaptat commission daripada sales yang aku buat bulanan dan aku juga ada peluang untuk membuat overtime pada hari hari Sabtu. Selain itu semua, aku juga layak untuk mendapat bonus tahunan. Jadi aku fikir, lebih baik aku berkerja dahulu untuk mengambil kesempatan dari itu semua sebelum aku betul betul berpindah ke Malaysia. 

Lagipun aku kan mahu beli rumah di Singapura dulu. Jikalau aku berkerja, duit CPF aku akan bertambah banyak lagi untuk membayar harga rumah itu jikalau aku dapat. Lagipun rancangan berpindah ke Malaysia hanya lagi 4 tahun. Tidak lama sangat untuk menunggu. Jikalau aku membuat keputusan untuk terus membuka gerai makan aku...aku ada risiko yang belum tentu lagi perniagaan aku itu akan maju atau berjaya. Aku penat Diary untuk bangun semula. Jangan salah paham ya. Memang sekarang aku berada di dalam comfort zone aku tetapi masih berbuku di dalam hati untuk kembali beraksi sebagai bos sendiri dan pulang ke Malaysia. 

Kereta aku di sana, rumah di Tangkak sudah tersedia. Sampai masanya nanti, tempoh 4 tahun itu sudah pun habis, kereta tidak perlu lagi aku bayar, rumah sudah tentu tidak perlu bayar apa apa...yang perlu aku adakan hanyalah duit perbelajaan hari hari untuk kedua ibu bapaku dan untuk diriku sendiri. Oh Diary, aku kembali active untuk mencari duit online dengan system affiliate marketing. Website aku sedang separuh siap. Aku tidak lagi bermain dengan forex sebab aku lebih banyak hilang duit daripada membuat duit. Aku masih belum pandai menguasai market. Jadi yang lebih selamat sekarang untuk aku berkerja dan menjadi internet marketer.    

 

Bersyukur Dan Terima Sahaja

Hello Diary,

Alhamdulillah kita berjumpa lagi. Syukur kepada Tuhan memanjangkan umur aku supaya aku boleh menulis kepada engkau lagi. Aku sihat alhamdulillah seperti biasa. Routine harian aku sekarang ini, bangun pagi dan mandi untuk ke kerja. Sebelum ke kerja akan aku singgah dahulu ke polyclinic untuk mendapatkan injection dan memakan ubat ubatku di sana. Itulah yang mesti aku buat setiap hari kecuali hari minggu dan public holidays.

Aku tidak boleh bercuti lama lama ke luar negara kerana commitment baru aku kepada time table baru aku. Aku mesti menghabiskan course of medicine aku ini selama sekurang kurangnya 6 bulan. Tidak pernah aku hadapi perkara seperti ini tetapi aku tetap bersyukur kerana penyakit aku ini boleh disembuh. Sekurang kurangnya ia bukan cancer dan itu sudah cukup bagus. Aku harus mendisiplinkin diri untuk mengikut jadual medication yang sudah ditetapkan. Aku mesti tahan sakit bila mendapat injection. Aku mesti berhenti mengeluh bila susah untuk tidur kerana kedua dua tangan aku sakit. Aku tidak boleh tidur seperti biasa. Kedua dua tangan aku menjadi mangsa injection setiap hari. Mereka akan bergilir gilir dicucuk oleh jarum yang hanya menunggu masa. Aku terima sahaja.

Seperti tangan aku yang terima sahaja apa apa, aku juga terima sahaja keputusan rumah yang aku ingin beli. Rezeki bukan milik aku. Aku tidak berpeluang kali ini. Aku tidak berputus asa Diary, aku akan mencuba lagi pada launch yang akan datang ini. Aku berharap aku akan dapat rumah itu suatu hari nanti. Ini adalah antara salah satu cara untuk aku mendapatkan asset untuk masa depan aku juga. Asset itu penting bagi aku kerana aku yakin aku tidak akan bersuami. Umur sudah meningkat dan sexual preference aku masih juga tidak berubah. Belum ada lagi teman wanita yang boleh aku habiskan masa menjadi tua dan dewasa bersama. Ini bermakna aku harus menyiapkan diri untuk menghadapi masa tua nanti. 

Walaupun tidak punyai banyak wang tetapi kalau mempunyai asset, aku boleh liquidate kan asset itu kepada wang. Sudah aku bilang pada kau, aku sudah mempunyai rancangan. Tetapi sebagai manusia, aku juga harus terima kalau rancangan aku tidak kesampaian. Ini semua kan kuasa Tuhan. Mungkin Tuhan ada yang lebih baik untuk aku. Kita tadak boleh tahu itu semua kan? Mungkin aku perlu mencuba lagi dan terus mencuba sahaja sampai aku dapatkan rumah itu. Mudah mudahan urusan urusan aku dipermudahkan oleh Tuhan. Aku tidak boleh berhenti dari berdoa dan berusaha.

   

 

Give Your Best Shot

Dear Diary,

Like I have said in my previous blog. Things are looking good at work. Alhamdulillah...Amin! I have been consistent in my sales that I am having a hard time believing my performance. I am not alone as even my superiors are experiencing the same thing too. I have gotten a lot of pats on my shoulder. They probably are proud of me. I am contented and happy but at the same time I cannot help to feel afraid and suspicious. You see Diary, people leave you alone when you are bad at your sales but people hail and cheer you when you are good. I am beginning to wish if only I would be treated the same regardless of how my sales are in the office. Nevertheless, I know the good sales come from my effort and they are all approved my Allah. Without Allah's will, I am nothing. 

I have to admit that I almost broke down when my sales numbers are not coming. Since I got back from the hospitalization leave, I have not got a sale for eights days straight. I began to feel very small. I felt useless and hopeless. I got my resume ready and about to send it away to any companies until I got a prep talk from Slow Princess in my office. Slow Princess is one of the top saleswoman in my office. She is among the top five and never fail to hit her numbers. She is a Muslim and that makes us have something in common. She told me that she too felt what I felt before. She almost gave up this job until she decided to give it her best, ignore the rest and leave everything to Allah. She prays and she zikir. Yeah, that's what she told me. It rang a bell when she said that. I have not done zikir for a long time. I simply do not practice it anymore. 

Last few weeks in one of those nights. I started to do it after my prayers and yes with Allah's willing I am back on track. I am thankful and grateful. I also did some change in my sales pitch. I started to change my mindset about the products. I followed her advice. I give my best, ignore the rest and leave everything else to Allah. I did it Diary. I am on track. Thank you Allah for making it happen. 

Alhamdulillah!
Alhamdulillah!
Alhamdulillah!

My Dreams Keep Me Alive

Dear Diary,

Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise. I am doing it alone for the first time (well although I was not totally alone actually). I went to JB to visit my car and I drove my car for a short distance. It was a good thing I paid attention to the directions when I had someone to drive me around back then. You know how bad I am at directions. Things are good so far. I had YP to accompany me to JB. It was a simple outing but we enjoyed it especially her.

This friend of mine YP, she is my old colleague at the warehouse I used to work. Nobody likes her. She is always being bullied. You know what kind of environment the warehouse had don't you Diary. I did not bully her neither did I stand up for her. I suppose I just minded my own business there. I kept in touch with her. We were lunch partners. I think she felt comfortable with me and vice versa.

So I asked her if she wanted to come along. She did and we had a good time. I drove her around in my car. She said my car is big and good. I smiled and when I was driving my car, I was so happy that I did not want to leave her. I knew I had to. I simply have to wait until the time I can drive her again. To go back to Subang Jaya again may take me another five years from now. But I know I will someday. I have plans and I am working on it. I am going to make it Diary regardless I am alone or with someone. Right now, I may be alone but I am not lonely because I know I have my dreams. My dreams keep me alive.   

Stay for The Better, Perhaps

Dear Diary,

Just when I think that I have no hope in my job, things changed and that made me think twice about leaving my job. Yes, I have thought about it but a lot of things are holding me back. The company I work for is a public listed company. The colleagues are fun people although most of them are Filipinos. The monetary benefits are good although I am not entitled to full medical benefits. The location is perfect and honestly the office is conducive.

If there is one thing that I hate about my job, it would be my job scope. Sales and numbers come together. I hate having to meet numbers everyday. The pressures that I got from my superiors are simply too much for me. There are many flaws in my department. Mostly come from the Manager. We have this ever changing policies and regulations. It makes me sick. I am doing good this week. It probably due to the good leads they give me. I am just waiting for the days when only the good ones get the best leads. I don't know if I want to stay or not Diary. I am puzzled.

A lof of the locals have left for better prospects. I am waiting for things. I don't know what but I will wait until I cannot anymore.

Sick and Thinking of Her

Dear Diary,

I have never been afraid of needles and medicine. I have no problems at all getting an injection or taking medicines. But I have been lazy at it. I have few bottles of supplements that are more than a year old. They are left on the shelves in my bedroom waiting to be consumed. It is not because I am afraid but simply lazy.

Being diagnosed with a disease nowadays, I have to take my medications everyday at the polyclinic. They recently include an injection on top of the 10 pills I have to take. Swallowing the pills is already a misery to me and having to be injected adds up to it. I cannot skip this prescribed medication as I am being monitored by the Tubercolosis Control Unit closely. If I skip, I will have to expect a telephone call from them. They will demand for an explanation.

The Ministry of Health takes it very seriously. Tubercolosis is airborne and that is the very reason why we have to eat the medicine under the nose of the watchful eyes of the nurse. I feel a little awkward and ticklish, like a kid being babysit to take my medicine. My work is not affected. The current schedule suits my current lifestyle.

The injection is painful after awhile. But I can handle it. The nurses are pretty sometimes. Most of the doctors that attended to me are women and on my lucky days, I got pretty ones too. Yes they are my preference, women with brains always impress me without them trying hard. One word to describe them, sexy. I supposed I can never get enough of women. I will probably remain gay for as long as I live. Sadly, I have never been in a relationship that lasted more than 3 years.

I am not easy to please. I know that and that makes me changed girlfriends like how I changed my clothes. I wonder if I ever will get to be with one woman to grow old together. I don't know...but I know who I like. The one woman that always stays in my heart. If it is about a woman that I dream, mostly it will be her. I know I love her because while I can think of any women I had been with, I only think of her even when our relationship only lasted two months. That is when I know she is special.

Maroon 5 - Daylight (Playing for Change)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Welcome Back Freedom

Dear Diary,

I am beginning to appreciate being alone again. Being alone gives me the time to be independent and most importantly to feeling it too. Being independent does not mean feeling it too does it? It helps me grow as a person. I do not have to depend on people anymore. 

I am going back to the old me. Alone does not mean lonely. Although it does feel a little bit different nowadays but it does not create loneliness or awkwardness. It feels good to be by yourself to appreciate the time you have left to spend. I am doing things by myself as before. My friends are chatting back with me and yes it sure feels like the old days. 

No more of the need to feel that someone is watching me and no need to remind myself to behave. Freedom, that is what I smell and I welcome it very much.

Akhirnya Ia Hanya Tubercolosis

Hello Diary,

Sudah sekian lama tidak menulis. Entah bagaimana agaknya keadaan kau di sana. Maafkan aku kerana seperti mengabaikan engkau. Aku tidak pernah berniat begitu cuma entah kenapa, aku seperti malas hendak menulis. Ya...malas. Kalau mahu dihitung dengan jari, begitu banyak sekali cerita yang aku mahu berkongsi dengan engkau tetapi aku malas menulis sekarang ini. Entah sampai bila perasaan ini akan wujud. Aku tidak tahu.

Keadaan diri aku sekarang adalah baik. Aku bersyukur kerana aku telah membuat keputusan yang bijak dan mungkin juga pantas. Dua bulan lepas aku harus membuat CT Scan di hospital tetapi aku menolak. Batuk aku tidak berhenti henti dan aku terus batuk hingga aku sendiri pun cemas. Demam tidak usah dicakap. Hampir setiap hari aku demam dan panadol adalah rakan baik ku. 

Entah kenapa, tiba tiba pada Hari Raya, aku seperti terasa aku harus buat sesuatu tentang kesihatanku. Aku terus pergi ke Accident and Emergency di Tan Tock Seng Hospital. Aku bercerita dengan doctor dan aku dimasukkan ke dalam hospital. Aku bersyukur dan pada masa yang sama juga aku sebenarnya sedikit takut kerana aku hanya seorang diri. Aku tidak bertemankan sesiapa. Aku uruskan semuanya sendiri. Aku tidak menceritakan hal ini kepada keluarga kerana pada aku cukuplah dengan berita seram ini yang mereka terima hampir 10 tahun lalu.

Tubercolosis. 

Aku disahkan menghidap Tubercolosis. Aku diberi antibiotics. Jarum dicucuk ke tanganku dan aku terasa bahawa aku ini sedang betul betul sakit. Tidak pernah terasa seperti ini. Aku hanya menerima keadaan diri tanpa ditemani oleh sesiapa. Tetapi aku tidak begitu sedih dengan keadaan diriku. Maksud aku, aku tidak sedih kerana aku keseorangan. Aku yang memilih tidak memberitahu keluargaku kerana aku yakin aku boleh buat semuanya sendiri. Aku tidak mahu menyusahkan mereka. Lagipun Aku sedang menunggu katil kosong dan belum lagi dimasukkan ke dalam ward. Aku masih di atas katil di observation ward. Susah sedikit untuk sesiapa yang mahu melawat aku. 

Bila sudah di masukkan ke dalam ward, aku bersendirian lagi kerana aku tidak boleh dicampurkan bersama pesakit pesakit lain. Penyakit TB ini boleh dijangkiti melalui udara jadi mereka terpaksa meng 'isolate' kan diri aku. Ake seperti duduk di dalam private room. Aku mempunyai toilet sendiri di dalam bilik ini. Semuanya aku punya sendiri tetapi bukan kerana aku memilih untuk duduk di dalam private ward atau ward A1 cuma aku mesti diasingkan dari pesakit pesakit lain. 

Pengalaman tidur di hospital sungguh tidak selesa sekali. Aku bangun setiap jam. Susah untuk melelapkan mata kerana aku memang tidak selesa untuk tidur di hospital. Ini pun sudah nasib baik aku berada di bilik sendiri. Teringat pula kata kata Flying Babe...you snored so loud in your sleep like a contractor. hahaha...terasa segan untuk tidur walaupun aku tahu tidak ada sesiapa yang boleh mendengar snoring aku ini. Sesungguhnya aku ni memang seorang yang pemalu. 

Ibu bapaku datang melawat aku pada hari pertama. Mereka tidak marah denganku kerana tidak memberitahu mereka dengan cepat cuma mereka hanya hairan apakah penyakit aku sedangkan aku memang tidak pernah menunjukkan sebarang tanda tanda bahawa aku ni sakit.Mereka tidak menunjukkan yang mereka risau tetapi jelas terpancar di wajah tua mereka. Selepas kehilangan anak hampir 10 tahun lalu, tipulah jikalau mereka tidak sedikitpun risau atau takut dengan keadaan diriku ini.

Itulah juga sebab kenapa aku mendiamkan diri tentang penyakit aku selama ini sehinggalah sekarang. Aku tidak mempunyai pilihan kerana aku terpaksa. Ya, aku bersyukur kerana ia hanyalah TB dan bukan lung cancer atau apa apa penyakit yang serious atau tidak mempunyai harapan untuk sembuh dan pulih. Apabila aku sembuh, aku akan buat yang terbaik untuk diri ini. Aku akan pastikan bahawa hidup aku akan terjamin dari segala aspect. 

Hidup ini hanya sementara Diary. Kita akan sihat sebelum sakit, miskin sebelum kaya, muda sebelum tua dan hidup sebelum mati. Apa yang kita buat pada masa hidup kita hanyalah kita sahaja yang tahu. Aku bersyukur kerana masih mempunyai waktu untuk keluargaku. 

Tuhan, Terima Kasih.

Go Away...

Dear Diary,

Things have got a little out of hand lately. I am hanging on with situations. I do not really care anymore. I have learnt so many things from experiences. Experiences are indeed teacher of the fools. People can only talk so much to defend themselves. They get defensive and become all so emotional about it. 

People come and go in our lives. They come to our lives when we need them the most and when it is time for them to leave, they will leave whatever their reasons may be. We must not stop them because their role in our life stories has come to an end. They come for a reason and they leave for a reason too. We move on and forward to get on with our lives. One thing I have learnt, nobody is really here to stay in your life forever. I have to deal with it. This is the real world.

Let Me Have The House Please

Dear Diary,

I am buying a house. I have sent in my application and the result will be out in early September. I am very excited about this but I have to control my excitement as I do not want to get disappointed. The demand is higher than the supply and I do not know what are my chances of getting the house. It is going to be my first ever house. I hope I will get it so I know my future will be secured if I have this house. 

I am already imagining of decorating the house. I am so funny. If the house is going to be mine...it will be ready in November 2017. It will be another year after that before I get to make my move to Kuala Lumpur again. So you see Diary, things are going well for me. I have got a car, I am getting my money ready for the big move and I am buying a house in Singapore. 

I need the house as it can be my asset. I can sell it away or I can rent it. Either way, it is for my own good. There are many good things that I can benefits from buying this house. But the competition to having this house is fierce. Everybody seems to apply for it. This is an application under the single scheme to own a flat from the housing development board in Singapore. 

It is within my budget and I know I can definitely afford it. Please please Allah...make this house mine. It is for myself and my parents. Please make this work for me....

Al-Fateha

Bismillahirahmanirahim...

Al-Fateha untuk arwah abang....

Am I Sick?

Dear Diary,

I went to Tan Tock Seng Hospital yesterday. The appointment was at a quarter past 2 but I was early. I registered myself and waited for my number to be called. The doctor who served me was a female doctor and that made me feel rather delightful. 

I have always prefer a female doctor. It is probably because I am a lesbian. The doctor interviewed me and I answered her. She made me go through some test. I went for the blood test, sputum test and another chest x ray. 

It cost me close to two hundred dolars. That was after government subsidy, imagine if it were without subsidy. People say, you are better off dead than sick in Singapore. I suppose they are right. 

The result came out today and there are three possibilities. The doctor asked me to go for a ct scan and she will call me tomorrow for the appointment. 

I am tired Diary. She said the last possibility is lung cancer. The first two could be lung infection and tubercolosis. I do not want to think about it. 

Stay Calm and Collected

Dear Diary,

I have not written for a long time. I want you to know that I have not forgotten about you. I never have and I never will. I have been working and I have been busy with work and family. I spend my time with my parents in Tangkak at least one weekend in a month. I am with a new company for almost three months now. It has been good although I do feel like quitting at times. My heart is still not in Singapore you know. It is somewhere else where I know will make me feel happy internally.

I have gone for a medical check up for the new company. They have found something unusual in the x-ray result. It is in my lung. I have been referred to a lung specialist on 4th June. I was scared when they broke the news to me but I am not anymore. Perhaps I have grown old enough to accept whatever comes to me. I have not been diagnose yet so I will use the time to appreciate life I guess. I have stopped smoking although I have to admit I discreetly smoke a stick occassionally.

The doctors asked if I have any family members diagnosed with cancer. I said yes. I was calm. I did not show any reactions. It is still too early to speculate. I have not lost weight drastically. Yes, I have been coughing for over three months now. And sometimes I have difficulty breathing. At the initial stage, there was wheezing sound when I breathe. The wheezing sound is gone now. The cough is still around but it is not that chronic. I have been down with fever many times since the cough started. It comes and goes. I have been drinking plenty of water since this new job. It is a desk bound job so it is easy for me.

I am good Diary. I feel good. I do not feel like I am sick or something although I feel that my body is weak at times. But I am only feeling that because I am feverish. So it is the fever that makes me weak, is it not? Oh...never mind Diary. I am strong I know. I am just remembering my late brother in moments like this. *sighs* Nine years have past Diary. We still do not talk about it. I avoid talking about him with my parents as I know I will break down. It is fine I know but not infront of my parents. I have to be strong for them.

I am keeping this news to myself. None of my family knows about this. Like I said, it is too early to be thinking anything. Even if I have been diagnose, be it good or bad, I have decided to keep it to myself. I am not sure what they are going to do with me at the hospital. The only thing to determine what is in my lung is through the MRI scan. I supposed that is what they will do. I hope they will do that and diagnosed me finally. The waiting and guessing are killing me softly.....

Happy Birthday To Me

Dear Diary,

Happy birthday to me....This is the gift I bought for myself....I am enjoying it!

Exciting Thursday

Dear Diary,

It is Thursday. I have an interview appointment today at 5pm. I am excited and nervous. Wish me luck ok. I have started to learn how to handle Forex psychology. I do not sit infront of my laptop and watch the chart 24/7 a day anymore. I am finally beginning to understand the messages of my mentor. All these while, I have been confused but I understood him eventually. There are a lot to say but I will save it for tonight. 

I am in a rush. I will talk to you again. Take care Diary.

Aku Pergi Dulu

Hello Diary,

Hari ini mungkin adalah hari sedih untuk aku. Tidah tahu mengapa tetapi aku sedih. Aku tidak tahu apa yang patut aku lakukan. Mungkin dibiarkan sahaja lebih baik daripada mencuba apa apa sahaja untuk memulihkan keadaan. Pernah aku berkata, biar tak berkasih, biar tak berkawan, asalkan jangan hancur hati. Ketahuilah teman, aku ini seorang manusia yang paling susah untuk difahami. Untuk memahami aku kau perlukan sebuah 'skill' yang tinggi. Panas baranku setanding singa liar di dalam hutan. Jikalau aku marah, aku terus sahaja menyerang dan menyerbu tanpa usul periksa dahulu. 

Aku memang bukan seorang teman yang senang. Kalau aku berpacaran, paling lama ia boleh bertahan selama 2 tahun dan lepas itu ada sahaja yang akan menjadikan hubungan itu putus. Umur sudah meningkat begini tetapi aku masih disini mencari sedikit restu dari orang sekeliling. Aku tidak pernah puas dengan apa yang aku ada. Itulah apa yang pernah kau ungkapkan. Ya, mungkin betul. Aku banyak mengeluh. Itu juga yang apa engkau ungkapkan. Ya, aku setuju. Hari ini, aku membuat keputusan yang agak besar. Aku lebih baik bersendiri. Ini supaya tidak ada lagi rasa rasa tidak sedap diantara kita. Aku sendiri menghadapi kesukaran memahami diriku apatah lagi wahai engkau, teman. 

Dengan ibu bapaku, aku pun begini. Apabila marah, susah sekali aku mengawal keadaan diri aku. Pinggan akan dihempas, mulut begitu lantang aku bersuara. Keluar segala kata kata yang tidak sedap didengar. Aku masih mencuba. Aku tidak pernah berhenti mencuba tetapi aku harus mengaku ianya sukar untuk aku berubah. Hatiku begitu sensitif tetapi amarahku terlalu besar untuk aku dan ego ku juga sama besar seperti Singapura. 

Aku tidak bangga dengan diri ini. Jadi, aku tidak hairan jikalau engkau sudah hilang rasa hormat kepada aku. Semua silap bermula dari aku. Aku yang harus engkau salahkan. Mungkin hati ini hanya ingin berteman, tetapi naluri seorang lesbian di dalam diri ini begitu kuat untuk aku lawan pada masa itu. Hari ini aku kehilangan seorang kawan dan hari ini juga aku kehilangan seorang kekasih. Dua orang yang baik dalam hidup aku. Aku tidak mencuba untuk mempertahankan. Mungkin aku penat. Mungkin engkau akan lebih memahami kenapa. 

Dengan keadaan diri, aku pun sudah hilang semangat. Apa yang aku inginkan belum lagi tercapai. Masih jauh perjalanan aku wahai teman. Aku sangkakan sudah akan dicapai, tetapi masih belum lagi. Susah sekali...semangatku sedikit goyang sekarang. Harapanku sudah tipis. Aku masih memulihkan diri dari berasa kecewa. Mungkin itu juga sebabnya aku berkasar dengan engkau teman. Dengan engkau sahaja aku boleh lepaskan sebab aku rapat dengan engkau. Tidak ada rasa segan silu lagi dengan engkau. Terlalu selesa bersama engkau hingga tiada batasnya untuk aku menjadi diri aku yang sebenar. Maafkan aku teman. Aku terlupa engkau juga ada perasaan yang harus aku jaga. Selama ini hanya perasaan aku yang diutamakan. Cuai sekali aku. Mungkin tiada lagi kasih sayang atau pun cinta. Tetapi engkau lah teman yang aku selesa bersama. 

Engkau pandai melayan kerenah aku. Terasa kehilangan di waktu waktu genting ini apabila ianya sudah dirasmikan. Masa masa yang aku ada...aku akan hanya membuat apa yang patut aku buat. Masih cuba membaiki skill aku dalam Forex. Masih cuba mencapai cita cita aku. Satu hari teman.....aku tahu aku akan capai juga apa aku inginkan. Memang aku penat, tapi aku tidak pernah berputus asa. Kadang kala aku berehat sebentar tapi aku tidak pernah berhenti. Sama macam apabila aku mendaki gunung. Matlamat aku untuk sampai di atas. Susah sekali teman...tatpi aku selalu berjaya. 

Ya, sekarang kau sudah tiada lagi. Tapi aku masih ada cita cita. Ini lebih baik teman...aku pun sangat rasa bersalah kerana asyik mengasari engkau, berbahasa kesat kepada engkau. Semua amarah aku dilepaskan begitu senang kepada engkau. Maafkan aku teman....aku mahu berhenti berasa bersalah. Engkau tidak patut dilayan begitu. Semuanya salah aku ya teman. Jangan sesekali engkau fikirkan engkau tidah cukup bagus atau tidak sempurna untuk aku. Aku sahaja yang tidak pernah puas atau bersyukur dengan apa yang diberi kepadaku.  

Aku susah melupakan kisah lama. Aku susah menutup buku lama. Aku masih meridukan waktu waktu dulu. Aku sebenarnya hidup di zaman silam. Engkau tahu itu semua, tetapi engkau diam dan biarkan sahaja. Kesabaranmu sungguh aku kagumi teman. Aku tidak ada kesabaran seperti engkau. Aku bukan seorang yang penyabar. Patut aku pelajari sikap sabarmu itu. Mungkin sudah lambat ya wahai teman. Ya...mungkin sudah lambat....aku banyak membuat kesilapan terhadapmu. Bukan dengan engkau sahaja, dengan teman teman aku yang lain juga...aku harus pergi sekarang. Ingat ya teman...ini bukan salah engkau. Aku telah menipu keadaan. Aku pergi sekarang.   

   

Trying To Keep It Simple

Dear Diary,

I have closed all my open positions yesterday. I had 21 opened positions in all and it was making my account looked messy. All of them were losses. *winks* They came up to about $1,500 loss. Now you get what I mean when it comes to Forex? Win or lose, you decide. Many experienced traders said, keep your losses smaller than your profit and keep your profits bigger than your losses. I have not done that. I tried but the market was always not in my favour. Oh no....it is not that actually, I did not make the right decision when I opened my positions. Oh well...fuck it!

We cannot get emotional when we trade they say...oh well, fuck it! Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it! There you go. How was that Diary? La la la la la...... look how emotional I get when this is simply my demo account. A lot of other factors are contributing to my emotional outburst today. There are a lot of things. People around me became my targets. I snap and I snap at them mercilessly. I try so hard to be good at the things I do. It is not Forex. It is something else. I don't know what I have done. Ironically, I don't know if that is really what I want. 

I am sorry for being a bitch girlfriend to you Hello Kitty. Love is too much for me to handle. 

You Cannot Beat The Market

Dear Diary,

I have been practicing Forex for 2 weeks now and I have made more profits than losses. But....if I were to close my current open positions now, I would be making more losses than profits. Get it? It means, I have opened positions that I thought would be in my favour. Perhaps I was wrong or there is not supposed to be any perhaps at all. I was simply wrong because I still do not know how to read the charts. Not yet, perhaps?

How are you my dear Diary? You have been the person I speak to mostly. All the times, I always have you to speak to about my predicaments. You have not grown tired of me, have you? I bet you have not. I am good here, Alhamdulillah. I am officially out of job and I am still waiting for the result of my jobs applications and interviews. Right now, I am not sure if I want to take a full time job or not. My mind is on Forex and I want to master it. On the contrary, I have to pay my bills and put food on the table. We will see what I will do next ok. Sit tight and enjoy the roller coaster ride with me Diary. 

I have been reading too much perhaps, because right now I am simply confuse with my trading strategies. All these while, I practice trading Forex like a day trader. It means I came into the market today and I came out of the market today; same day trading. Same day trading has to be done with you sitting infront of your laptop or pc and watch the charts go up and down and you have to make a quick decision whether to enter the market or not. That was what I did. Whenever I entered into a position, I usually close that position after I make $1 profit the least. Most of the times it is like that. I did it often. At a time, I could be trading 5 to 10 contracts. If I make a profit of $1 per contract, that would be $10 for 10 contracts. For that kind of profit, I do not have to stay long in the market. I stay for 5-15 mins and exit once I made that profit. They are not very significant, but I still make profit and most importantly, I do not make a loss. 

For the past 2 weeks, this is the trading strategy I have followed. Although I have left some positions open until today, this is the strategy that I have gotten comfortable with. However, this kind of strategy usually makes a trader refuses to leave his laptop/pc. It can become addictive and unhealthy. You are so engrossed in your trade that you do not have time to do anything else. 

I came across a website of this long time Australian Forex trader. He writes a lot about Forex trading in his blog and I assumed he is a professional trader. Now, his advises are to trade Forex like a sniper instead of a machine gunner. It means, open a position and let it be in the market for awhile so you can let the profit grow. He advises to use the longer time frame charts instead of the shorter time frame charts because longer time frame charts are more accurate. There are more to say about his methods but I have noticed that most of the experienced traders especially the ones in the Europe prefer to trade with the longer time frame charts. that means, they stay in the market for quite sometime before they pull out of the market. 

I am practicing the latter strategy now and I am a little bit discourage. You see, I am an impatient bitch when it comes to get things done. I like to see my profit margin rises quickly instead of having to wait for days or weeks to see it rise. I prefer actions and adrenaline pumping activities instead of knitting or gardening. It does not suit my personality. But...they said it is safer and that is the correct technique of trading if you want to be professional. I am confuse, really I am. And that is why I have 21 open positions now. Hahaha.....

But, I am not feeling anything about it because this is simply a demo account. I am trying to get it right Diary. Most importantly, I am looking at what are the best trading strategies that suit me. It takes practice, experience, experiment, discipline and patience. It is just two weeks. I still have a long way to go. The video that I have posted below, says a lot about Forex trading. You just cannot beat the market. If you think you cannot make a decision or a forecast of the market, then don't trade for that day. Wait for another day because the market opens 24 hrs a day five days a week. Do not simply trade simply because you want to trade. It is all up to you. Nobody can make you a good trader except yourself. From now on, I simply want to keep it simple. I will choose a strategy that suits my personality. 

Forex Trading Psychology

ok....i get it...

Kings Of Leon - Use Somebody (Boyce Avenue feat. Hannah Trigwell acousti...

The beauty with a pretty voice.........*melts*

Forex Will Be My Support

Dear Diary,

How have you been? I am fine except that my cough is getting worst. My chest hurts when I cough. My throat hurts when I swallowed my saliva. Eeuuu...hahaha well who does not swallow his saliva? Everybody does. In fact we might end up swallowing our partner's saliva too after we kiss. *grins*

I have not taken any medicine for my cough because all the medicines mostly make me feel groggy and sleepy. I do not like to spend my time sleeping too much when I am not working. I feel that time is wasted. I spend my time watching the market nowadays. I study the trend and I learnt how to read the charts and predict where the direction of the market is going. I am not good yet, in fact I am far from good. I have made a profit of $279.82 (as I am writing to you) in my demo account. I have so many things to learn about Forex. I am excited and I am waiting for the right time to open a real live account. There are people who started small and there are who started big. I have heard a few who only started with as little as $100. I suppose it all depends on how much you want to risk.

I am thinking of $3000 just so I could trade comfortably without worrying about insufficient margin and equity. I am still doing some reading on margins and equity. I know what they mean but I just need to know how much is enough if I leave open positions overnight for so many days. What is the ideal ratio I should invest out of my capital. The stuffs like that are important to me because I have not mastered chart reading techniques yet. As of now, I have about 16 open positions which I still cannot close because the market is going against me. Perhaps I was excited that I overlooked the logic of Forex trading when I opened those positions. I have left them opened for 6 days now. I am still waiting for the market to be in my favour to close those 16 positions. Oh Diary, my profit has risen to $285.27 now. 

I opened a few positions while writing to you and managed to close them within 30 minutes. If you had noticed, my profits are not big at all but I do not mind because I am at a learning process. To make consistent profits is my priority. Yes, I can make big profits provided I play it big and with many contracts/lots at a time. I have not done that yet. I am looking around for a free seminar on Forex. There is one tonight but I missed it because I did not register earlier. 

Oh yeah, I went for the interview at the bank yesterday. I do not know if I stand any chance of getting the job but the interviewer was so damn nice and polite. She was so soft spoken and kind. She did not ask me any questions on my previous experiences. I am simply confused actually. She did not even ask me for my identification card to cross check with my resume and application form. It makes me think that this interview was too easy. Really it was. I did not see any other candidates when I was there. I was the only one. Oh never mind...I am not stress out. I know I have Forex to fall back on if I do not have a job. I simply have to open a real account earlier than expected I think

I have other plans now, to be in a business is still in it but I guess I have to put it off for now. I supposed it is better for me to use the savings I have for the stall to invest in Forex and make my money grow while broaden my knowledge and sharpen my trading skills. At least five years from now, I can see how much I have progress in Forex if I never stop learning and trading it. I know this is the thing that I have been looking for. Business is still a business, but Forex is something else. You can do it alone all by yourself. You get what I mean Diary? 

Ps: Dear FB...If I am good at it, perhaps it is for you. 

Good Morning Monday

Dear Diary,

It is Monday. I am on the train to work. This morning the Forex market opens again and I began my trading again. The market opens from Monday to Friday 24 hrs a day. That is a good thing because it gives us traders the opportunities to make or lose money round the clock. Hahaha....my demo account has been generating profits. They are not big but on the average I make about $50 profit daily. I have yet to master the techniques and the trading platform. 

I suppose the things I have to master first are the common Forex trading jargons and terms. Also, I have to know what are their functions. I think I have found the most suitable way to grow my money and be cash rich. It is not too early to say because I know with Forex, you surely can make lots of money and vice versa. It depends on how you trade though. That is why experienced Forex traders always emphasized on the correct techniques. 

I have been chatting up with an old acquaintance just the other day. Ohh I do not know what to say about it but that conversations somehow has an impact on me. Oh Diary....things changed and let alone people. 

Catch you later Diary.

I Am Healthy

Dear Diary,

I went to the polyclinic and got my chest x-rayed. The result was good. Nothing is wrong with me, at least for now. The coughing got worsened and I have not been taking any medicine. I do not like to take the medicine cos it will make me groggy and sleepy. I hate that. The only thing I have taken is panadols. The pounding headache is killing me and I had to. 

The x-ray cost me another $22 and that made it $66 for two days sick leave. Fuck it. I am trading Forex nowadays; demo account that is. I am not ready to open a real live trading account. I am practising my skills and yes I have made a profit of $133 after a five day practice. I am still not good at it but I have had some basic knowledge of trading. I used to trade silver 12 years ago and the basics are still the same. Buy Low, Sell High or Sell High, Buy Low. 

I see the potential Diary. I think this is even better than having a food stall. This is a business better than a business. You do not need to pay rent for a business premise, no need to pay salaries for staffs as you do not need any and there is no overhead really. You just have to pump in some cital to start trading and make money. But, Forex is not all about making money, you can lose money too if you make the wrong decisions. 

With the money I have, I am comfortable to trade. Not yet actually, I will only open a real live trading account when I know I am good enough to go. This is real money Diary. We are talking about  the possibility of turning USD $3000 into USD$300,000. By when? I do not know but in Forex anything is possible including the other way around. So make sure you know what you are doing before you trade. I have decided I am gonna work a while more until I am good at Forex. I am going back to the banking industry and trade Forex at home or perhaps anywhere. I have installed the mobile trading platform on my iPad. Diary, this is good, this is really good. I have so much to talk about it. 

Oh yes, I have an interview this Tuesday with a bank. Wish me luck.

Please Do Not Panick

Dear Diary,

I am on sick leave for two days. I did not plan this but I was just lazy to get out of my bed and I ended up oversleeping myself therefore I decided to take sick leave for the day. I went to the doctor thiking of what to say. The truth is, I have been sick since Chinese New Year. I drove up to Tangkak and did not really have much time sleeping and resting while I was there. I was down with fever, cough and cold. I thought it was only natural since I knew I had little time of rest.

When I got to the clinic I told the doctor about that. He was surprised as it has been a week since CNY. He took my temperature and it was 37.5 deg cel. Yes, I felt feverish when I was in Tangkak, I took panadols and drank some coconut water. I felt that the fever subsided but it still hangs around actually. The doctor then listened to my heartbeat, I kinda made a sound when I was breathing. Like when I was inhaling, there was a sound from my heart. I have noticed this but I really thought it was the phlegm from the cough. Although I knew it was unnatural, I did not give it too much of my attention. He made me took the nebuliser and listened to my heartbeat again. 

I still made the sound. It was natural. I did not fake it just so I could get the sick leave. It came out naturally and I was kinda worried. The doctor asked me if I am asthmatic. No I am not. There is not an asmathic in my family except for my cousin, niece and aunty. He seemed concerned and puzzled. He arranged for me to go for an x-ray at a nearby polyclinic tomorrow and so my sick leave is extended to two days. Again, this was all unplanned. My only reason for not coming to work was laziness but it seems that it has gotten serious. The doctor said that there could only be two possibilities. One is asthma, two is lung infections. I would prefer the latter. 

The clinic bill was a whopping $42 and I swear I was not prepared for that. I have to prepare some more cash for tomorrow's x-ray and the medical fees at the clinic tomorrow. I went home and told my dad. He got worried and told me sternly to stop smoking and take care of my health. Dad probably told my mother and mom came into my room and again nagged at me for that. They are concerned I supposed. I guess it is going to be alright. As long as it is not something serious like cancer I am fine. Well, I hope things are going to be alright. I am panicking a little now. I am sad. Cheer me up Diary....

Practice Makes Perfect

Dear Diary,

The search for a stall is put on hold for awhile. Do not ask me why. I do not know it myself. All I am feeling right now is to think what I wanna do next. I really do not know what to say. The money is almost ready, I have tendered and waiting for my last day at work but I supposed the fear just gets to me you know. All the phone calls I have made seemed to give me a reality check of what it is going to be like once I have the stall. I am still giving myself some time. My would be business partner is quiet too. She has not asked anything about the plan. I let it be.

Last night was the first time I practice my Forex trading skills with a demo account. I have been reading about Forex for a few days now. i watched youtube videos on it and did some research on it. I downloaded ebooks about it. There are so many things to say about Forex. One thing for sure, it can make you huge profits but it can also make you huge losses. That is trading. It is not always rainbows and butterflies. I downloaded a trading platform and I am using the demo account for now. I still do not understand the trading platform fully but I am getting myself familiarise with it. 

I supposed I have to use it and wear it in order to know it. Many regular traders also said that the best thing to learn about Forex is to try it yourself with a demo account. Going for expensive seminars can be quite useless because the seminars only last for two or three days. There will be hundreds of people attending the seminars therefore there will not be one to one guidance. How much can you learn like that? Furthermore, the seminars are really not cheap, it can be quite expensive. I am exchanging emails though with one full time regular trader. He has his own website and I recently downloaded his ebook on Forex. He is by far the only one that I am seeking advise on Forex. 

Well, there are a lot to say about Forex. The 'veteran' traders said, treat it like a business. Have a trading plan just like having a business plan before you start your business. One thing I like about Forex is, it is a big market and you can do it in the comfort of your own home. No need for you to have a physical business premise or hire staff to run it. You simply need a computer or a laptop and an internet connection. I can even trade on my iPad or android using the web based trading platforms. Best of all, I can do it wherever and whenever I like when the market opens. 

The money I have for the business now, I think I will keep it first. I would like to grow that money. The dream of having a restaurant is still mine but perhaps this is not the right time yet. Maybe I should grow that money first with Forex. 

everwood acceptance

I'm sorry...

BBC Speechless As Trader Tells Truth

Truth prevails...at least he is honest.

Aku Pulang

Hello Diary,

Bertemu lagi kita. Terasa rindu padamu waktu aku bercuti di Tangkak. Penat sekali aku sehingga demam. Tidurku tidak pernah cukup kerana ada saudaraku sekeluarga yang bercuti bersama kami. Aku terpaksa melayan. Tetapi tidaklah seteruk mana sebab mereka bukannya jenis yang makan minum harus dihidang dan disiapkan. Aku cuma penat memandu ke sana sini sebab kami banyak menghabiskan masa keluar berjalan. Dua kereta kesemuanya dan tiga pemandu. Aku, adik saudaraku dan ibuku tetapi yang memandu cuma aku dan adik saudaraku. Ibuku seperti biasa, hanya duduk sebagai backseat driver membaca buku. Itu sahajalah kerja dia. Tidak pernah ingin memandu dan menggunakan lesen yang sedia ada kepada maksima. 

Kadang kala aku marah atau geram sekali dengannya kerana apa bezanya dia bila tidak berlesen dan berlesen. Tidak ada sekali bezanya, sama sahaja. Tidak aku paham mengapa tetapi kalau dibiarkan begitu akan sia-sia sahaja usahanya mendapatkan lesen memandu. Ibuku tidak ghairah memandu walaupun sudah mempunyai kereta sendiri. Dibiarkan sahaja keretanya tersidai di Tangkak. Aku belum mahu menegur jadi aku diamkan sahaja. Tetapi aku harap, janganlah sampai aku terpaksa menegur dengan caraku sendiri sebab aku tahu betapa lantang I can be. Kalau sudah sampai masanya aku tahu aku akan berbuat demikian dan mungkin akan digelar kurang ajar. 

Oh Diary, biarkan sahaja ya. Sekarang ini aku cuma ingin memberitahu kamu bahawa aku tidak sabar untuk menunggu last day aku di kerja dan lepas itu aku ingin berehat sungguh sungguh sebab aku tahu badan dan otakku perlukan sangat rehat dan tidur. Aku hanya mahu menjadi pemalas untuk sementara waku sebab sudah puas rasanya aku menjadi rajin. Oh Diary lagi satu aku ingin bercerita, aku sedang berjinak jinak dengan Forex dan mungkin, entah mungkin aku ingin mencubanya juga. 

Kita lihat nanti ya. Aku tidur dulu Diary. Selamat malam.

Aku Akan Cuba

Hello Diary,

Apa khabar? Sudah lama rasanya tidak bertulis dalam bahasa Melayu. Rindu bagaikan merindui zaman zaman apabila aku duduk di Subang Jaya. Ya, aku masih tidak dapat melupakan kegembiraan yang aku rasakan apabila bermastautin di sana. Tidak pernah aku lupa. Tidak pernah aku bosan.

Sekarang ini aku kembali ke pangkuan keluarga di Singapura. Berkerja untuk hidup dan hidup untuk berkerja. Jikalau diberi peluang, ingin aku kembali ke Subang Jaya. Banyak kenangan manis di sana dan juga kenangan pahit. Tetapi, yang aku ingat hanyalah kenangan manis sahaja kerana sesungguhnya, aku gembira di sana. Rindu untuk memandu keretaku. Rindu untuk berjumpa kawan kawanku.

Aku sedang mencuba nasib untuk menjadi usahawan di sini. Mudah mudahan keputusan yang aku ambil tidak menghampakan aku. Susah juga untuk memulakan segalanya daripada zero. Ya, kalau boleh aku mahu menjadikan keputusan aku ini dari zero ke hero. Entahlah Diary, aku pun tidak tahu kalau boleh. Bukan tiada keyakinan diri tetapi aku hanya berasa takut sedikit. Wang yang ada hanya untuk mencuba nasib sekali sahaja. Jikalau aku gagal, itu artinya aku harus bermula dari zero lagi; ya itu mengumpul sehingga aku boleh melakukannya lagi. 

Tidak senang untuk memahamkan orang apabila aku bercerita atau memberitahu apa yang ada dalam hati. Semuanya boleh, semuanya tidak mustahil pada mereka. Ya memang betul tetapi kita juga harus bersikap realistic. Jangan terlalu over confident pesanan Flying Babe. Mungkin dia paham tetapi masih banyak lagi aku ingin bercerita padanya. Masa sahaja yang tidak mengizinkan. Kadang kala teringat ingat zaman bersamanya. Ohhh zaman ya....hahaha seperti bertahun tahun lamanya aku bersama dia apabila aku menggunakan perkataan 'zaman'. Lucu sekali. 

Aku bertekad untuk memulakan perniagaan makanan kecil kecilan. Aku ingin mempunyai gerai makan. Sudah disusun semuanya rancangan ini di dalam kepala otak aku. Yang tinggal aku lakukan hanyalah execution nya. Itulah dia yang aku takutkan.....kalau nak diukur pengalaman aku, memang tidak seberapa tetapi aku memang ada pengalaman dalam bidang ini cuma yang aku risau, aku tiada back up funds. Perniagaan yang baru dimulakan sekurang kurangnya memerlukan masa 3 bulan untuk dikenali ramai. Buat masa itu, tentu sekali aku perlukan cash flow yang banyak untuk menampung kekurangan sales. Itulah sebabnya aku risau sedikit tentang keadaan. 

Aku sedang mengusahakan untuk mendapatkan business grant dari kerajaan. Harap harap aku berjaya nanti. Business proposal masih lagi aku menulis. Tamat tempoh kerja aku, akan aku habiskan nanti. Mungkin di sini bermula impian menjadi kenyataan. Mungkin ya dan mungkin tidak. Aku akan cuba walaupun aku harus melakukannya sorang diri kerana aku tahu aku boleh sebab aku kuat jikalau aku mahu. Ya Allah....engkau permudahkanlah perjalanan hambamu ini. 

Stay Focus

Dear Diary,

I am home. Tired. I am going for a short get away this weekend with my family. I am feeling better today, no more anxieties. I think I can stay focus now. I got to go. I need to sleep. 

Taming The Lion Within

Dear Diary,

I have been quiet today. I worry too much about things, I know and I get tensed by doing that. I get irritable easily with the people closest to me. I am taming myself. I am remembering all the positive things surrounding me. I am remembering my cousin brother who is doing quite well running a food stall. I am remembering other successful small time businessmen and women. I am reading as much as I can about successful and failed businesses. I am remembering the reasons why I want this so much. I feel calm now Diary. I guess the lion inside me is tamed. 

Happy Snapping

Dear Diary,

I am feeling irritable today. I suppose I am simply stressed out about everything. I feel that I am not getting the moral support that I should be getting from the people closest to me. I do not know what I am feeling now. It is hard to describe. The headache is back again. Yes, perhaps the process of getting the business started is taking its toll on me. But then again, this is just the beginning. I have not even started. 

Do you get what I mean now Diary? I am a natural worrier. This is what I am afraid of. I guess it is time for me to coach myself to be carefree a little. I guess I have to play it safe. If I have to do it alone, then I will. Frankly, I am seeing the bigger picture now. I am not sure if I should have a business partner. I don't know Diary...I am just not feeling it. I am probably not in the right mind to make a decision now. I am tired, sleepy and angry at the moment. I just snapped at someone just about an hour ago. I supposed I just needed an avenue to let my steam off. Oh Fuck it Diary.....

My Langkawi Vacation and Sunday Driving Rage

Dear Diary,

Did you know that I went for a holiday to Langkawi with my family in December? I had fun there. I text Flying Babe and Chipsmore and apparently they are going to Langkawi too in January. It keeps me wonder why Langkawi has become so popular nowadays. The last time I was there, it was 21 years ago. There are a lot of changes now, so many that it is no surprise why it has become so popular. 

I suppose the highlights of Langkawi are the cable car and the Sky Bridge. I got to ride on the cable car but not the Sky Bridge as it was closed  for repairs when I was there. It was a waste but I did not really bother as the cable car ride made up for it. The views on top were spectacular. We did many things and I guess the whole family enjoyed the mangrove tour the most. Mom bought 4 sets of Cornelle glassware for our home in Tangkak. It was madness to carry them onto the ferry.

The ferry boarding systems suck a little. It was disorganise and would be a hassle if you have many luggage. The platform was narrow having only the capacity to fit one person at a time. People with many luggage or bulky items need to carry the items one by one at a time and this could be hogging up the queue. That is how they do things there. We rented a car for 4 days there and driving in Langkawi was very relaxing and carefree. Chenang beach was the most happening at night there. It was almost similar to Bali except that Bali is more happening and lively. The seafood there was great, the people were friendly and the atmosphere was rejuvenating. We planned to visit it again and this time we wanna try renting the yatch for a night and sleep in the open sea on that yatch. 

Today, I spent my time cleaning the house. I fetched mom from work and there were two incidents that made me lost my patience. I suppose I am one impatient lady driver. I sounded my horn 10 times at two cars. The first was when he went into my lane abruptly causing me to slam on my brake a little. The second until the tenth horn was at a van whose driver simply took his own time driving and getting lost. he drove for about 30 km/p and stopped as and when he liked simply to be sure where he was. I got irritated because he seemed oblivious to the cars behind him. It was as if he owned the road when he did what he did. 

It was easy for him. The road was not congested and he could easily stopped at an isolated road without disrupting traffic if he just wants to find his way back but instead he stopped right there and then causing the cars behind him to stop as well. He did not realised that he was hogging and disrupting the flow of traffic. I lost my patience and I sounded my horn at him for about 8 times. I was pissed, I really was. As I did what I did, my thoughts were with my mom and wonder if other drivers would be as impatient as I am with her driving skills. I wish I had controlled my temper just now but I could not help it. Well, I am sorry I hope mom would improve on her driving skills soon. 

I got to go Diary. Oh yes...I am still looking for a stall. I am not sure when will I be able to find one that suits me but hey...I got to be choosy right? Location is about everything in a retail business. Okie dokie...got to rin now. Love you Diary.