executing the responsibility of a father to a dead son

Dear diary,
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Dad has left for Mecca on the 18th of December and I am missing him very much. It is not easy not to feel like this. He is gone to perform the pilgrimage for my late brother, Bakim. Coincidentally, school break starts from 19th of December and it fell on Sunday. I do not have classes on Friday and I went home early to send dad to the airport. This is the first time he is away alone for so long. He has never been apart from us for so long like this before.
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Dad’s job does not require him to travel so he is mostly at home. Before he left, I didn’t think that I would be missing him this much but I was wrong. There are only Balim, mom and myself now at home. It feels so quiet and can get lonely at times.He has gone to perform the pilgrimage before but that was five years ago with mom. At that time, I was left alone with my brothers and it didn’t feel as painful as it is now because perhaps the family was complete then than now.
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You know how insecure I can get sometimes right diary? With Bakim gone forever, this insecurity I am feeling looks like it is going to last forever. I have already had this kind of feeling of insecurity since I was young. I often feel afraid that I might lose my family members and how I have cried myself to sleep most of the times. Do you know that I hate to be separated from my family? Do you know that I have never been away from my family for more than two weeks?
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Being separated from them kills me and I hate the feelings whenever I am away from them. I am not sure what is wrong with me diary. Balim was gone for more than two years when he furthered his studies in UK. I didn’t feel anything like this then but since Bakim is gone, I feel so terribly alone, afraid and sad most of the times. I don’t feel safe anymore wherever I go. The feeling of security is partially gone and my life is now being enveloped with sorrow, loneliness and isolation. With dad’s absence, I can even feel it more than I ever ask for.
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It kills me to feel this way and everytime he text us, I wanted to tell him how much I miss him but I just couldn’t because I don’t know how. Mom and Balim didn’t say anything about missing him, but I am sure deep down inside their hearts, they are missing him as much as I do. It is just like Bakim’s case where none of us mentioned anything about missing him or the pain that we have felt for his departure openly but I know we all feel it silently.
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People say that time is the great healer but to tell you the truth, it gets harder each day because you grow older each day, things and people change and for sure, you will wonder how it is going to be, if he were still alive, what it would be like if he were still alive. I am not sure if I am the only one who is feeling this way because I know, I am the most stubborn in our family but yet I am the most sensitive and I can get easily affected by changes in my surroundings. Little small things hurt me even though I do not show that I am hurt. I walk away when there is trouble because I know anymore trouble with people or with things would hurt me even further and I have to protect myself.It hurts diary, it hurts very much.
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What happened with pontianak, flying waitress, russia, aramis, and india have left a big impact in my life. Sometimes, I wish I could tell them that I am hurt by what happened, I want so much to tell them that I am sorry but I know in some situations, explanations and reasonings will only make things worse than they already are. It hurts to lose a friend let alone your own flesh and blood. You started to blame everything and everybody but yourself. You even blame God for it and that is very ironic. I still blame myself for my brother’s death. I have said something that was so mean to him before he died that no other sisters on earth could have said what I had said to her own brother because it was so mean beyond words but I fucking said it to him. I feel so disgusted with myself now and forever. I will not forgive myself and I deserve nothing but condemnation so help me God.

she's going to live longer

Dear diary,
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Little sister is back into my life and it sure feels good. We have met a couple of times and she even accompanied me for lunch, a thing that I had never dreamt possible. She has grown healthier and very childlike as usual. The doctor broke very good news to her and I am very happy for her. I guessed the bone marrow transplant has proved to be successful eventually. All these while, we were hoping and perhaps praying that it would eventually bring us good news.
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The good news finally came and I was overjoyed beyond descriptions.I still remember those times when I was so afraid that she would leave me when the time comes. I swear to god that I had prayed so hard so that she could live another day. Have I told you that she came to my house and left me a bouquet of flower outside the door? I still keep that bouquet of flower even though all of the leaves and flowers have gone dry and withered. It is just something I like to keep that could remind me of her. I do think of her everytime I see that bouquet of flowers.
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Her girlfriend has text me a couple of times asking me to leave her alone. I also received three calls from a number that was not in my contact list. I suspected that it was from her girlfriend. I didn’t pick it up because I wouldn’t know what to say and how to answer her if she asked me anything. The thing that makes it that way was the fact that little sister and I have gone beyond that sisterhood boundary. It is funny because both of us did not expect things to be this way but things just happened you know. I am not making excuses for myself but I guess little sister and I have shared and gone through so many things that we have built a bond between us that is filled with multiple layers of emotions. We do not have to sleep together in one bed or make love but sharing emotions is enough to feel love for each other.

springcleaning brings back memories

Dear diary,

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I did some organizing of my bedroom this afternoon and I came across a box that was filled with gifts from the girl once I had loved. It was sweet and I wonder how she is doing right now. If I could call and asked her well being now, I would but her number has been erased from my contact list and I do not think it is a good idea to keep in touch with her anymore. I kept an email from her in that box as well. I didn’t finish reading it because I do not want to be brought back to remembering the events that occurred during the course of my relationship with her.Do you still remember pontianak diary?

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Those gifts came after we broke up and perhaps it was out of guilt that she sent me those gifts. I am not sure but I never expected anything from her anymore after the break up. She seemed to be feeling bad or guilty and tried to be nice to me. I became my usual self with her and my insensitivity upset her. I apologised but she said I was superficial and ignorant. I let it be and many not so nice sarcastic remarks were directed at me from her MSN. I knew it then that it was pointless to continue whatever that we had left between us. From then until now, we never heard of each other anymore, none of us makes any effort to say hi. I have ceased all possible ways to contact her and I really do not know anything about her anymore.

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The things I saw in the small box brought me back to the days when we were still in good terms and I must admit that somehow I do miss those moments even though I thought the love we had was mutual when I was actually wrong. For whatever she feels towards me now, for whatever happened between us, deep down in my heart I wish her great success and happiness because I have a dream that someday somehow, we would still be smiling to each other again.

a silent message that was never understood

Dear diary,

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I received a call from russia just now but I chose not to answer her call. I do not wish to have anything to do with her anymore. A few hours later she text me and said she has something that she needs to tell me. She said that she does not expect an immediate answer from me and told me to take my time but hopes that I will not ignore her message. The thing about russia that I noticed after I have known her is that she likes to complicate things and make simple things complex.She has text me a couple of times before and all I did after receiving her message was to ignore. If she has something to tell me this time, why couldn’t she just text me with the message instead of telling me she has something that she needs to tell me and expect me to call or text her back? It is such a waste of time. She likes to do things like that and if she expects me to be so curious with what she needed to tell me so badly, she can wait till the world ends.

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I am sure she could have guessed that I have been ignoring her message and if she really has something that I should know, she should have just told me in her message. I ain’t going to text or call her because whatever news she has for me, I am sure it is not my concern. I am not interested, I don’t want to know and I don’t give a damn and that’s final. Call me egotistical or whatever you want but I do not wish to even let her have an inkling of an idea that I still want her to think I treasure her as a friend let alone as an acquaintance.Please do not think that I am being too much but she has insulted my intelligence and I just do not want to be associated with her anymore.

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When I came to KL, she did not even bother to ask if I was doing ok or not. She did not even care if I needed her help let alone offer me if I needed any. I do not expect her to fetch me a pot of gold or to swim across a river infested with alligators but the least she could do as the very recent ex girlfriend was to ask how I was getting along in KL. She knew I was coming and she knew I had arrived but she didn’t make an effort to call or even text me to welcome me. Look diary, pettiness is not in my agenda but she was one out of the few friends I have in Malaysia that I hope I could count on. Yes, I was very dissappointed with her; I was turned off by her.

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Moreover, you know when she finally text me to meet, she asked if I could get to her place on my own and that was already close to midnight. She knew I was dependent on the public transport. Let’s just face it, how safe can it be for me to take a cab to her place alone at night in KL? She should have known better and I was really taken aback by her request. She did many things that turned me off and I have decided to stay away from her and erase her from my friends list. She’s not worth it diary and it is sad to know. She has attempted to make up but once bitten twice shy and I declined her wish every time. She called me and assumed that I was influenced by another of our friend and said that I might have got on the wrong side of her. She even advised me not to easily be influenced by people. I felt that my intelligence has been insulted and told her off.

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What I did was purely based on my own personal perceptions and how I derived to that perception was from what I have experienced. She should have done her own assessment on why I became so cold towards her before jumping to any unfound and bias conclusion.

dream on...

Dear diary,

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We just came back from KL and I had my keyboard moved to KL as well. With my keyboard there, I hope I can be happier living in KL alone. Perhaps I can learn a few songs by Sandhan and play it whenever I am bored and feeling sentimental. It helps to play musical instruments. I have heard that playing musical instruments can destress yourself and do wonders to the lonesome and wounded hearts.

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I am listening to Sandhan now and I am feeling very emotional right now. It brings out the syrupy side of me. I wish I could play as he does and attract many attentions from girls. It feels good to be the centre of attraction from the opposite sex but since I am not straight, I certainly would enjoy attentions from my sex group.

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You know what diary, sometimes I do ponder at the idea of homosexuality being legal and acceptable to the societies and religions. It is just something that I fantasize even though I know it is not going to happen in reality.

applying economics terms into my life

Dear diary,
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How has it been going for you? I sincerely hope that everything is fine for you. As I am writing to you now, it seems to me that I have developed this habit of apologising to you too often for not writing. And my genuine reason would be that I have been busy with studies which in fact is true. Apart from that, I have moved out of the hostel and home is quite a distance from school.
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Public transport is the only means of transportation I have to get to school. Believe me, when you are in my shoes, having to taste the effiency or rather the inefficiency of the public transport system here is something you would opt to pass if you have other alternatives to get to school. Therefore, I often left my laptop at home as I do not want to add anymore miseries to my already existing miseries while waiting for the bus to arrive. I hope you understand my explanation and it really comes from the bottom of my heart. It has been six months living in a foreign land and much have been anticipated had happened.
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There are so many stories that I can share and write but time is always a problem. I have stories about chicken pie, little sister, russia, aramis, the two ‘Hangs’ at home , my family and my newly found romance, Myvi. Perhaps I have even more stories to write than those listed above for example, I can give some of my most sincere and genuine opinions on the public transport system here and get my butt kick out of here, or maybe get my student visa revoked or probably be told to go home to where I came from but I will save the best stories for last and probably will start writing one of my thoughts that have long been discontinued.
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I am back in singapore since school is on holiday. Exam is on the 18th of january so I have to go back to KL at least a day prior to the examination. I cannot say that I am 100% prepared for the exam but I am ready to sit for it. School is fine, I am keeping low profile but I cannot help myself from getting noticed. It is probably because I am much older than most of the students there and perhaps i assume many have already refered me as the unfriendly, reserved and private person. I don’t talk to them unnecessarily and most important of all I mind my own business.
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I have a few girls from the hostel that I stick with in school and they are probably the only persons I can call my friends made in school. The rest are just strangers that I look at without any facial expressions. I hate crowds and i just happen to be someone who is not willing to compromise her privacy.There is one guy in school where I feel comfortable talking to. He is in his mid twenties and perhaps that is what makes me comfortable conversing with him. However, he can be quite a nuisance sometimes because he seems to forget to apply a full stop after every sentence and he will keep on talking till we went home.
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Sometimes, I imgaine myself giving him a punch in his face while he talks to give him a message that he has talk too much and it is time to stop. Or I should probably remind him of the importance of a full stop and we must apply the rule of full stop not only in writing but in talking as well. The library has been my sanctuary in school. I spend most of my time there revising and studying. I cannot afford to waste my time anymore and any extra free time is put to good use. In economics, we say that every resources is only at its optimal level when it is efficiently used and allocated. When resources are not at their optimal level, it is deduced that the reaources are not efficiently allocated and employed which leads to market failure. I am living by that principle nowadays and I try to avoid my own market failure from occuring. Let’s just hope things will be on a bright side for me shall we diary?

the animals we made our family

Dear diary,

Living in a house alone can get lonely most of the times. I feel so lonely everytime I come home. I have got nothing to look forward to. I have thought of getting a kitten for myself but living as a student with no fixed and constant flow of income prevents me from doing so. If I want to rear a kitten I want to be a responsible one. I want to provide him with a good home. I want to be able to nurse him when he is sick and feed him with good quality food. I want to provide him comfort, love and care. It takes money to do that.

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We spent quite a lot on Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat already. I cannot afford to have another one here in KL. I am still dependent on my parents for pocket money, thus having a kitten on my own can be quite a burden. The medical fees alone is even more expensive than humans, I am sure it will eat into my budget if I have one. I cook myself dinner every night. It has been great so far. I am not afraid neither am I scared but I just feel lonely. I have never came home to an empty house before all my life.

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I experienced a bit of a culture shock when I moved here. Dinner was always cooked and served for me whenever I came home in singapore. Now, it’s just the furnitures and the sounds of the crickets that come from the nearby forest that welcome me whenever I reached home. No more greetings from mom or dad. No more greetings from Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat . I remember how Hang Tuah welcomed me when I reached home. He would ran to the door and stood on his back feet, his two front feet would lean against the gate waiting for me to open the door wide. I miss them everytime diary. Everything about them is all so adorable and genuine. I have loved them like I have loved my family. I feel the bond that we have built among ourselves and I knew if anything bad happened to them, I would be devastated.

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Let us not forget the reason why we brought them into our family. It is to heal our wounded heart for losing our own flesh and blood. They help us to heal even though we still do think of him but their presence help to divert our attentions away from him. Their presence help us to put smiles and laughter back on to our faces. That’s a miracle diary, cats can do wonders. You put them in a right home and you can make magic out of it. I haven’t tell you a lot about them haven’t i? Hang tuah has got beeter acquainted with hang jebat. They play with each other and most of the times, you will end up watching them wrestle each other. It is so entertaining and hilarious watching them play.

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Hang Tuah always has the upper hand because he is bigger and taller. Jebat can be timid but he is one mischievious cat! Believe me when I tell you that all the wrestles started from Jebat. Hang Tuah would be sitting quietly minding his own business and Jebat would come and hit Tuah’s face with his paws. Jebat would throw himself infront of Tuah and would try to grab Tuah’s neck to bite. The wrestle would always start from there. They play catching sometimes and when they do, things at home will go haywire. Things and decorations will be all over the house. I never knew that cats like to rearrange home decors without any planning at all.

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They are very adorable diary. Once you have seen them, I am sure you will like them.Hang Jebat is still the same timid cat. He has grown so much now and he has put on weight. He had some problem with answering nature calls at the right places. We sent him to the vet and followed some of the doctor’s advice. it worked! Mom told me how both of them had behaved when Jebat was put inside the bag to be brought to the vet. Tuah sniffed the bag and tried to open it with his paws. He probably think that Jebat was trapped inside the bag and he wanted to save him. They called out to each other and when Balim left home with Jebat, Tuah became agitated. He seemed to be in stress and it was rather frantic. He ran from the kitchen to the balcony. He climbed up the wooden stools at the balcony and looked out of the window for any signs of Jebat. When he couldn’t get any view of Jebat, he ran back to the kitchen and looked up to the kitchen’s window. He called out to mom probably asking her to lift him up so that he could catch Jebat’s view. I really felt for him when I heard that story. It’s amazing isn’t it diary?

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Knowing that animals have bonded together can be overwhelming. I really wonder if their relationships or friendships functions like how the relationships and friendships of the humans do. Do they fight and apologise and do they get jealous? I wonder how it is like to be them. I am sure, Jebat would attract lots of attentions from the girls because he is so good looking. He has this pretty boy looks while Tuah has this rugged manly look. He behaves like a big brother to Jebat and Jebat would follow everything that Tuah does, from climbing out of the window to messing up the rugs in the kitchen.

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I have noticed that Jebat has started to form habits which were passed down from Tuah. It can be very impressive because that’s what happen in almost every household. The young always follow what the old does. I remember picking up tricks and habits from my elder brothers when I was young. The joy for successfully copy their tricks or habits was so awesome that it can immediately boost your confidence level.It is estimated that Tuah and Jebat will live up to 20 years. If that is the case, when they are gone, I am sure I will cry like how I cried when bakim passed away. Perhaps, the feelings of losing your flesh and blood will be felt all over again by me. I don’t know if I am ready to experience it again. It hurts you know, it really does. It’s so painful that if I am granted one wish, I would wish that I will never get to feel it again.

the meeting of two old friends

Dear diary,
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it has been a busy week for me. I have been going out so often that I haven’t been studying. First of all, I met with an old friend. Do you know who she is? She is kancil and we haven’t met for a long time and it was a good thing to meet. When I saw her, she was wearing the tudung and baju kurung. She looked sweet and it was a pleasant sight to see her in that attire. I figured she was only in that kind of attire because of her job. It's been awhile since we met and when we meet I had this feeling of comfort probably because I have known her long enough to be feeling cosy.

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Kancil has put on a little weight. She was thin the last time I saw her but this time, although she has not fall under the fat people category, she does seem a little fatter than before although it was not that obvious. She cut her hair short and she’s still the same person that I know. Nothing much about her is new. She’s still with the same girl, basically the same job and same car except for her hair and the extra weight she has gain. I like being around her, I just feel that we share the same wavelength and it makes me easier to interact with her. We talked a lot about things from the most nonsense to the most intellectually challenged topics. I teased her many times and I guess she just got so used to me.

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I often wonder when do I ever get the chance to make her mine. I just don’t seem to have any luck with her you know. She’s always with someone and I just draw a transparent line between herself and myself to remind myself of the barrier that I have to watch out. It tells me not to get too carried away with the teasing and the naughty and cheeky remarks I threw at her. It reminds me to behave myself whenever I am alone with her. You just have to do that sometimes you know.

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You know diary, I often thought of myself as boring but to my surprise kancil is even more boring than I thought. It’s not like she has turned me off or anything like that. I swear that I will be very comfortable with kancil if she were mine but I just couldn’t figure out that she almost doesn’t do anything for fun. I asked her to go for movie, she refused. She told me she’s not a movie buff and then I tried karaoke, she refused giving me the excuse that she doesn’t sing. I haven’t gave up on her and asked if she wanted to bowl, oh my god, can you believe that she doesn’t bowl as well? I wonder what does she ever do for fun?

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I began to see the real her and I just realised that there are other people who are worse than you ever imagine. Those would probably be the weaknesses that kancil might have and I guess going steady with her would mean that you just have to accept her as a whole package, the weaknesses and strengths. I guess that’s how people have to accept me as well. Nobody’s perfect and as long as you feel comfortable and happy with somebody I guess that’s enough. She brought me to her home and her two cats and 4 kittens welcomed me and mind you, the welcome ceremony includes the whole package which came with the smell as well. Her house is big and spacious and I noticed that she doesn’t like to do housework. You know diary, she might probably hates me after this cos she reads you diary. She is probably one of my loyal fan I should say. A loyal fan that I can never have. Anyway I enjoy her companionship and I look forward to going out with her again.

how are you diary?

dear diary,

how has it been for you? i hope you are well and fine. i am not very fine here and i hate to feel this way. i am sleepy because i have been sleep deprived and i feel so lousy. i have never felt this way before so i really don't know what's going on inside me.it is hard to explain diary so i have decided to let it be. probably it will go away soon.

oh diary...i met with big sister last night with wira. we went out for supper and i found out more about ash and her girlfriend. now i have second thoughts of moving in with them. it's complicated and i can get into trouble if i am not careful living with them.i got to go diary.

i will talk to you later.
bye.

is the lonely bug getting to me?

Dear diary,

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do you remember russia? I haven’t been talking to her regularly and she hasn’t text me or asked how have I been since I moved to KL. I received a text message from her the other day not asking how was I doing or anything of that sort but instead she asked if she could borrow any laptop. I was kind of offended but I decided that she’s not really worth my attention. I never really respect her anymore, in fact I have lost total respect for her.

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I used to think that she is matured and sensitive but I just found out that I was wrong. You know diary, I am not being petty but I just thought she would have at least the decent courtesy to ask my well being before asking to borrow my laptop. It hurts you know when someone do that to you especially coming from an ex girlfriend. And guess what, she just text me and asked what will I be doing tonight. She offered to meet but asked me if I could travel all the way to Cempaka LRT. Imagine this, if she jolly well knows that I am not independently mobile don’t ever asked if she could meet at 11pm and asked me to travel all the way to cempaka LRT at such hour. That was so fucking offensive coming from someone who knows your situations. I don’t mind travelling on my own but not at such hour. She should have known better and thought about it all before asking if we could meet. That really sounds like her and I knew I never can ask her for any favour.

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As far as I am concern, she’s been erased from my Aidilfitri’s card list. I had a bad day yesterday diary and I felt so angry. I went out to a movie with my coursemate and when the movie is over, she had to leave cos she had to meet her friends. I didn’t mind at all cos I didn’t feel comfortable with her. She’s just way too loud and noisy and I hate loud and noisy people. I would rather be alone than being with her. So I called ash and asked if we could hang out. She said ok and I waited for her. She didn’t take long cos her workplace is where I went for the movie. Anyway, I got the free tickets from her and so it is very logical to ask for her company. We just decided to have ice cream when her girlfriend called and probably demanded her to come home immediately. I suspected that her girlfriend knew ash was with me and somehow they got into a bit of a quarell. That’s what I don’t understand about her girlfriend. It is not like she hasn’t met me. We hung out together once when I came to KL for a visit and she even brought me to Lorong Haji Taib for whatever reasons you could think of. If it was jealousy then I really couldn’t figure out why.

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I didn’t try to come on to ash, I just enjoy her company because I feel very comfortable with her. After ash left me, I called wira and she said she could meet me but in 2 hours time. I waited for her alone and entertained myself window shopping and browsing for sandals. I got a call from her and was told she couldn’t come because she had to fetch her girlfriend and her girlfriend didn’t want to hang out because she’s just too tired. I got a bit pissed but I thought it’s just not worth it. I told her it’s okay and I just went home after that. It was late and I just brave myself taking the public transport alone.

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I didn’t want to take the cab cos I just want to play safe and not risking my own safety. Chicken pie added another misery to my life yesterday. She asked if I wanted to join her to ipoh for a day trip. I just figured, why not since I have nothing to do. I accepted her offer and text her just to confirm the time we will leave. It took so long for her to reply so I decided to give her a call. She apologised for not replying and broke the news to me that her boss will be joining the trip and I knew what she meant by that. I got so dissapointed and turned off with chicken pie many times already.

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There are just many things she does that often makes me got annoyed with her. It’s just too many and I got sick and tired of her. At times, I am dissapointed with her and got kind of sad with how she treats me. It hurts doesn’t it diary? Probably I am better off being alone than having people around me that are not helpful, probably I am just being too sensitive, probably I just want to have a girlfriend…so I won’t be lonely anymore because I have to admit to you and the world that I am lonely…it’s not a shame to admit that you are lonely isn’t it diary?

unbreak my heart...

Dear diary,

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I went out to mid valley this afternoon and bought myself a long mirror. My mirror broke into pieces the other day so I was left with only the face mirror. Having a long mirror is a necessity to me. At least it helps you see how you will look like to the public’s eyes. If you feel good and happy with the way you look, it boosts your confidence level. I bought a cheaper one this time because I learnt my lesson and do not want to waste money unnecessarily anymore.

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The mirror I bought today does not come with a stand so I just have to figure out how do I want it to be positioned. I bought myself a pair of shoes today and some toiletries. There is a promotion going on at watson where you get to purchase a second item at RM1 after you have purchase the first item at the usual price. Though the promotion does not apply to all of the items but it’s quite useful for students. I bought toothpaste and I believe I have chosen the right item. Actually that is the only item I can find which is most suitable for me to make purchases at watson. The shoes that I bought is by Carlo Rino. You know I have been searching for shoes since last week and you know how particular I am when it comes to footwear. I was beginning to think that it is so difficult to get a pair of decent shoes here when I saw a pair this afternoon that attracted my attention. They are nice and fits my taste. Can you believe that I was alone just now? My main intention was to go out and buy myself a pair of shoes and a long mirror. When I got there, I had second thoughts on buying the long mirror cos I was worried I couldn’t carry it all by myself since I had other stuffs to carry as well. I was just about to go home when I saw the abundant supply of cabs queuing outside for passengers.

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The pair of shoe was not really heavy but it was bulky and the stuffs from watson added on to the size of my shopping bags. I went back inside the mall and organised my stuffs. When I had everything in one bag, I went to search for the mirror. There’s a hardware store in mid valley where I bought my first long mirror. I got myself one that has a quite reasonable price tag and made my way to the payment counter. It was light so I really had no problem carrying it together with my other shopping bags. I hailed a cab and got home in one piece.Russia called and asked if I could meet after I got home. She apologised to me and said she didn’t mean to make it sound like she was trying to inconvenience me when she asked to meet last night. I told her it was nothing and said it’s really no big deal.

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We met and this time she came to my place and I brought her to eat at the place nearby. There was really nothing much to talk. I literally talked less and let my mind wandered to wherever it wanted to go. Russia talked a lot and I just figured that she did that because she I talked less. She did asked about my well being and my love life. I didn’t answer her more than ten words most of the times. But we did have conversations just now except that I never answered her at length when she asked about my love life. I didn’t see any reasons why should I. You know diary, I have noticed something about myself and that is, I am always lazy to talk about my personal life to people. I can write to you but if you asked me to tell or talk to you about my love life, I will probably pass. But if you want to have a mind boggling and challenging conversations, I am all game.

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I prefer to talk about current issues, about topics which makes the brain works. Russia really talked a lot just now and I think she got the idea that I was bored to death from the body language I showed her and the expressions I had on my face. She has someone new now diary and it has been a year. Thinking back, my brother passed away on 1st july and we broke up probably in august. It is september now and after doing my mathematics, it seems that she barely waited for a month before she found someone new after we broke up. It was a lucky thing I remembered to ask her how long has it been when she has that someone new. She told me a year and that confirms my assumption that she was literally being ‘naughty’ behind my back and that enforces my belief that breaking up with her was a good thing to do. I did not feel angry with her when she told me about her girlfriend but I was rather surprised and sad. I was probably hurt too but I can handle that. We haven’t met since we broke up and after meeting for the first time in one year, she had to tell me she’s attached and started spilling details about her girlfriend to me.

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I sat there listening to every details about her girlfriend. There I was alone and far from home and my family for the first time. I am lonely and homesick, sleepy and still trying to get over my brother’s death when I had to sit infront of an ex girlfriend listening to her talking about her girlfriend and what she is planning to do with her in the future. Do you have the slightest idea of what I felt at that time diary? It’s really sad you know…but really there’s nothing much that I can do except to listen to her. Honestly, if I were her, I would break the news to my ex girlfriend that I am attached but I wouldn’t go to the extent telling every details because I know somehow it will hurt my ex girlfriend.

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I told you russia can be immatured most of the times. I really couldn’t think of any reasons why she tells all except the fact that she is excited about this new life she is going through with this new person, well…she’s not new to russia anymore but she is new to me at least. I felt that she did not respect me as her ex girlfriend just now but I was telling myself that it doesn’t matter anymore. You cannot expect things to be like before after a break up. I walked home just now instead of having her to send me back to my hostel. She was not really familiar with the routes here. She text me after that apologising if she had hurt me in any way by telling me stuffs about her girlfriend. I replied her back diplomatically.

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The truth is diary, I was already in a sad mood when I met her because my brother’s death kept coming back to me and she made it worse. I have to admit to you I am more sad now than then. It hurts but I am not crying because I knew I never loved her. I just enjoyed her presence because russia made me feel safe and secured whenever I was with her and she still does but now that I knew she has someone else that she is so excited about, I might just dissapear from her life. I have done that and probably I will do that again. It’s not jealousy, anger or frustrations but I am just sad beyond descriptions now and only God knows why I am sad. I keep feeling very sad nowadays without any concrete reasons. I haven’t gone home since the day the immigration took my passport away and I guess I am homesick and I miss my family very much. I miss my late brother diary…I just miss him so much…help me bring him back to me…please…I am slowly breaking up inside…I know it..please diary….please…. help me please…

help me keep my faith

Dear diary,

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I have been feeling sad lately and I am still finding the reasons why. I feel so disturbed for the past few days and if only I knew what have been bothering me. Do you know that I have not been praying since I came here? There are so many good things that I have not been practising since living in the hostel. I have tried but I failed. Perhaps having a roomate with a different faith keeps me from praying.

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That is not an excuse but that is how I feel about the whole thing. I have asked her if it is okay for me to pray. She doesn’t mind and I could have prayed like how I prayed while I was back home if I wanted to. I didn’t cos I always have this feeling of discomfort when a non-Muslim sees me pray. I just don’t know how to explain to you diary but I hope you understand. I have been thinking about my late brother so often that I cannot help myself from feeling even more sad. I went out with a friend and she asked me about him and I cried while talking about him. It was the first time that I cried infront of someone.

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I swear to God that I didn’t want to but I just couldn’t help it. I have talked about his death to people who want to know but I have always managed to gain my composure. But that time, I failed and I felt so sad that I literally felt it in my heart. I was so sad beyond description and I felt so sinful, so worthless and cruel. I kept thinking about how he had died right infront of me and all the things that I have said to him, oh god…please have mercy on me. If I could just do a miracle, I would have turn back the time and treat him with total respect, care and love.

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I love him diary, I love him so much but I didn’t really showed it to him. All I did was to ignore him and belittle his capabilities. I was such a fucking bitch toward him. Everytime I prayed, I always say the prayers as a gift for him but since I haven’t been praying lately, I feel so empty inside, like living life without a purpose. Perhaps I am getting a little reminder from up above to get back on the right track. I miss my family and home. I have always wanted to do this but I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel so lonely sometimes but it is not like I am not used to it.

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I have always been reserved and I like doing things alone but I felt okay when I was in singapore. I just feel so much different here. It is probably because it is a totally new environment for me and perhaps I just need sometime to adjust. Living here is totally a new experience for me and I need time to feel really comfortable. Having friends and knowing lots of people here are insufficient without myself feeling safe and steady. I cannot depend on people so much because each of them have their own commitments and responsibilities. I wonder if what I am feeling right now will go away once I have moved to a new house. I really don’t know diary.

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For the first time in my life, I feel so lost and dependent on external factors to make me happy. I have lost a little of my self confidence and I need to find means to boost it back. I need to be the independent woman I have always been and known to be.

finding my home...

Dear diary,

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I might be moving to a new house with ash and I can’t wait for the day to come. I feel excited about the idea having an opportunity to live on my own in a place I can call my home. Living in the hostel does not work for me because I feel so suffocated here. I hate the environment and the people here. I often imagine if I have a place on my own, I would cook myself a sumptuous dinner, watch the TV as long as I like, do my laundry without having to worry if I have enough coins to feed the washing machine so that it can spin and wash my clothes and I can do whatever I like at home.

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The place where I might be living is far from my school but that is no concern to me cos I am not going to study there forever. I might change to a new school in a year or two’s time. This school is fine to me but I just don’t feel comfortable studying in it. There are so many reasons why is that so but I just would like to keep my thoughts reserved to myself.

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I have asked ash if her girlfriend is okay about me being her future housemate. I just have to make sure if she is fine with the idea of ash living with her ex girlfriend. Well, nobody can deny that we have had a history before and it’s kinda risky living in with your ex girlfriend and it can be worrying for her current girlriend.

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Somehow I feel that ash is not telling me the truth but I chose not to push her anymore. As long as she has answered my question regardless whether it is the truth or not, that suffices to me. I meet ash regularly and we often text each other when we are free. She always have time for me even if meeting me would create a small fight between her girlfriend and she. I feel bad sometimes. I was out with her this afternoon and we were just planning to treat ourselves to ice cream when her girlfriend called.

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While we were walking, she was so busy with her mobile phone sending short messages to only god knows who. She called me and I knew she’s going to give me a bad news. She told me she had to leave cos her girlfriend was waiting for her at a place nearby. As much as I wanted her to stay, I couldn’t stop her so I let her leave. She seemed to be feeling guilty about it all. Even after she has left me, she text me and apologised. I really didn’t mind actually but what bothers me is, did her girlfriend hate the idea of ash and I going out together? I really don’t know diary, but I just hope ash and her girlfriend do not fight because of me. I should probably just lay low from ash for awhile.

welcome to being single again

Dear diary,

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you have to help me figure out if I was just being impatient or realistic. I have told little sister that it is not working out between us. She didn’t seem sad or perhaps she was but she just did a good job to camouflage her sadness. I really don’t know if the news had hit her hard. It’s only been 3 months and I have already feel so lost and empty. She did told me once that I might be feeling like how I was feeling going steady with her but I ignored her warning. The thing about little sister is, she doesn’t tell me everything nowadays and I don’t tell her everything too.

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We just stopped communicating and I really don’t know what’s the latest developments in her life. It’s very different with her you know. I don’t get the attention that I need. I feel abandoned and wasted. She’s not the kind of girlfriend where I can easily call to hang out with or to go for late supper. She’s just not like that. I am here alone and I need all the support that I can get but it seems that I am not getting it from her.

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There are many things that I wanted to tell you diary but I am not sure if it is the right thing. You have to understand that I am alone here and having a girlfriend, I expect her to give me all the support she possibly can. Little sister is not very mobile cos her every move is being monitored and watched. Going steady with her is like going steady with a prisoner. We can hardly meet each other let alone spend time together. I knew i had this coming but I just ignored the facts because yes, I love her like a little sister and knowing her health conditions, I somehow thought and believe that I have to give in to her.

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I love her diary and sometimes I just hope that she would understand my position being away from home and family, I have to depend on her at least for a couple of matters. There are many things that I wished I could do with her. When I walk to school or when I go to the mall, I often think of her and wished I could just go to the mall with her or go lunch and dinner with her. I just want to have a normal lifestyle with my girlfriend but I did not get it from little sister because of her situations. I am sad and felt a bit neglected but I kept telling myself that’s the risk I have to take if I wanted to go steady with her. I really don’t know diary, it’s so difficult like this.

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She did make an effort to meet me and we have met even though it was only less than 30 minutes. She brought someone with her and we really did not have any privacy. I feel so sad actually but I have been keeping it inside. I told her that if things are going to be like this, I might as well go back being single. At least the pain is still bearable because if I do things alone, I know I have to do them alone because I am single. Knowing the fact that you are attached but still have to do everything alone is a thought that no one can tolerate for a long time. We are all humans with tolerance level that is not sky high. I am no saint neither am I an angel. I don’t want to do the stuffs that will only make people be happy when it actually hurting me inside.

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I wish…I just wish that I am back to myself full of poise and self-reliance. I feel that those qualities are slowly diminishng from myself and I am scared. I think that’s because I haven’t got comfortable living here yet. Perhaps I will get all the confidence I need soon. It doesn’t matter from where, so long as I am back to my ordinary self, I will be thankful and grateful.

It's coming back to me again...

dear diary,

i have been busy lately with my own stuffs and i tend to overlook what do i want to feel for myself. i miss my family and i moved to KL because that is what i really want to do and to live. you know how i feel about leaving my family don't you?i keep thinking about my late brother and i do get sad most of the times. i wonder if he were here and what would i be doing. would it be different having him still around. diary..i miss him very much and i just cannot stop thinking about him. the expressions in his face and the looks before he went away. i could never forget it. he will always be on my mind. i feel sorry for him for having to leave us so young with so many things he desired not achieved. he had so many dreams. i feel sad for him diary...if only he were still alive...if only...

Provoke me and I will retaliate

dear diary,

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i feel like i am back to my secondary school days. the girls in the hostel are friendly and polite but there are some who are just pure bitch. i have been minding my own business and i notice there are 2 or 3 girls that think they are just cool and are so proud about it.

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i was studying there whole day yesterday in my room and when it was time for dinner, my room mate asked if i wanted to share her curry. she offered me and so i accepted when i really didn't want to. she was at the pantry and it is a common hang out place for the tenants of the hostel. there were two girls sitting at the table there watching television. i had notice the other one since a few days after i have lived there. she has a tatoo on her back and she smokes. i think she's the only one smoking in the hostel. i couldn't be bothered about her but what i couldn't stand was that she kept stealing glances at me. and when i had eye contact with her she turn away pretending to look somewhere else.

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while i was eating with my room mate, i made a few conversation with the guard and probably i was making too much noise for them and the two of them kept looking at each other making faces and giving me the body language that made me feel i had offended them or something. i kept my cool and so i continued eating.after awhile a few friends joined us and when you have more than 3 people there, you cannot expect the noise level will be decreased. we started talking and again the girl with the tatoo made gestures and expressions on her face that she disliked what we are doing. it was as if we were interrupting her tv sessions.i didn't get it because how could she expect us to be quite just because she is there. that is a common area where everybody hangs out and please do not expect people to give you what you want. you just cannot have your cake and eat it. i got pissed and i almost confronted her when i stopped myself from doing so because i kept telling myself i am here to study and not too look for trouble.

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you know diary, i swear to god, that if i had lost my temper, i would have confronted her and gave her a piece of my mind. i will spit at her face and i will pull her hair hard and i will naked her and threw her ouot of the hostel and let everbody view her ugly big fat yellow stinking ass. she has been giving most of my friends a hard time at the hostel and i just figured that somehow somebody have to teach her a lesson. i'm not game for finding enemies from where i live at but if u were there with me, you would know how i feel. although the gestures and the facial expressions were not directly intended at me but i was there with my friends and i knew she meant those gestures for us. somebody just have to protect my friends. she is probably not worth it but if i were to stay there longer and watch her making fun of my friends like that again, i swear i will diplomatically come up to her and ask her if she has a problem with me or not.

That's how it is...

dear diary,

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i wanted to talk to you some more about the moving to Kuala Lumpur process but i think i will wait and talk about something else. it is kind of boring to be talking about the same thing over again. as much as i want to tell you about the whole process, i still have to prioritise hot stories. do you remember little sister? guess what? i have finally met her and i was happy. she came to my hostel even though it was dificult for her to do that. she planned it with her friend and we finally got to meet. you know, i truly appreciate her effort even though the meeting did not last for more than 30 minutes. she brought me a rose and i didn't really like it. you know how i hate flowers don't you? i didn't get turn off when she gave me the rose but i wasn't really thrilled when i got it. little sister is a very petite woman for her age. she's shorter than me and much smaller in built. she's pleasant looking and believe me, i felt so happy when i saw her. it's like i have finally met the person i have known whom i have always thought to be someone without a face. i wanted to give her a hug, i wanted to do something to her that enable me to tell her how much i treasure her. i didn't have the chance to do so diary. we didn't have much time and we met directly underneath my hostel. i can't be giving the wrong impression to the people there. it's too big a risk to take. but i have to be honest that i am happy that i finally met her. it's really worth it diary...and i would like that to be repeated. hopefully...

loving jebat and tuah unconditionally

dear diary,
.
i have talked to you about my room mate and a little bit of the moving to Kuala Lumpur process. right now, i want to talk to you about the cats. as you have already known, hang tuah has been around with us for a year now and we have another new ragdoll and his name is hang jebat. mom paid for hang jebat and he cost cheaper than hang tuah. hang tuah is 1.2k and hang jebat is 300 bucks cheaper. i guess it goes the same with cats as well. if you pay peanuts, you get monkey. in our case, hang tuah has been very good and does not cause a lot of problems. however, hang jebat has been giving small problems to us. first of all, his personality has been a problem to me. he is very timid and fearful of almost everything. during the first few days of his arrival, he hid himself in a place only god knows where. we had to search for him high and low and he only came out when he was hungry.
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can u believe that the whole family delayed the maghrib prayer just because all of us wanted to search for hang jebat first. i guess, we have begun to love him and have accepted him into the family so that's why we delayed the prayer just to feel at ease while praying. knowing that he is safe and sound enable us to pray with focus. oh diary, there was the cat competition in july and we entered hang tuah and jebat together. hang jebat entered the championship category while tuah has to settle for household category cos he des not have the championship features. hang tuah lost all four rounds. hang jebat won all four rounds and he got plenty of goodies, food supply, little supply and other freebies that's worth about three month's supply of food. isn't that a bonus to the owners of the cats who won in competitions? we just have to invest a little bit of our time during the competition and pay a small amount of entry fees and in return get double or triple what we have invested if our cats won.
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hang tuah lost this time cos there were too many household cats. he won himself a place for best 9th household cat. hang jebat really surprises us cos we did not expect him to win any cos of his personality but the good thing about cat competition is that cats are not judged based on personalities but more on outlooks. i guess that's where he excels. hang jebat looks pretty while he is a male. his fur is much softer than hang tuah's and is whiter. i love both of them regardless what. they are like the friends i have that always understands me and put up with my nonsense without complains..come to think of it, how could they complain when they can't speak?

walking down the memory lane...

dear diary,

i have to apologise for you for not writing for too long. sometimes i wonder if you have forgotten about me. i hope you can still remember me and how i am because i do not want to start all over again creating a relationship with you. you know how it is having to create something all over again after you had created it. i owe you many stories diary, it is just that i haven't found the time to write.

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i have been busy going to and fro kuala lumpur and singapore. and every time i come back to kuala lumpur, i brought some of my stuffs along little by little. i have about 2 fifth of my wardrobe in my hostel and i have yet to fill it up with another 3 fifth of my wardrobe. i have my favourite clothes there and jeans as well. i am bringing my shoes this time round. my hostel is situated at a posh area in kuala lumpur. unluckily for me, things are expensive there. being a student with no constant fixed source of incomes, i just have to watch what i spend. even for food, i have to think twice because i am supporting myself for food and pleasure. i am not sure if mom will support me financially for accomodations once i have moved out of the hostel. we have paid five months in advance for hostel and i am staying there without having to worry about the rent monthly for five months.

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it is not easy moving from one country to another country diary. lucky for me, singapore is just a stone throw away from malaysia and i don't have to take a flight to be there. i do not have to worry about my luggage being heavy than allowed or anything like that. the first time i brought my stuffs, i came with my family in a car. i took the opportunity to carry the big stuffs first. i didn't carry much but i brought the most essentials ones first. the second time i came, i was with my parents and we took the coach service. i carried two extra luggages with me filled with the rest of my clothes, hangers and undies. so i can say that i will be dressed comfortably there. after the shoes have been moved from singapore to kuala lumpur, i will be 100% confident with my outlook. my hostel is expensive since i am not having the single room. all the singles have been taken away.

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i am sharing the room with another girl. she's ok and i think i will get along with her. i had a few occasions where i didn't like the way she wants things done but i didn't pay her much attention anyway. i just thought myself, this is hostel life and somehow i just have to adapt. i am not going to be there for eternity anyway. i won't even be there after next 2 months. overall, she is ok, it's just that i am not used to staying in a hostel with a complete stranger and i have lots of catchig up to do.ash and i are going to live together soon if none of us changes our mind later on. it's funny how you think that things are impossible is possible. i remember that when ash and i were a couple last time, we used to dream of staying together once i have moved to kuala lumpur.

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when we broke up, i never thought that it would happen and most of all, i never thought i would make it there cos my late brother was sick and i didn't see my moving to kuala lumpur was coming. he's gone now and i have to carry on without him. coincidentally ash is also looking for a place to stay and i asked if she would like to share with me. she agreed and she's searching for it first. frankly, i feel very comfortable with ash. probably because ash and i have a history together and we know each other pretty well. i went for lunch with her the other day at mid valley. it was fun getting to do that with an old friend. it sure brings back old memories and somehow i couldn't help myself from wondering ....if there is a possibility that we might be together again...i rest my case.

i'm finally doing it...

Dear diary,
.
I have so many things to tell that I could not even recall what do I want to tell. There are so many stories to share nowadays especially when I am in a different country away from my family for the first time. I have to admit that it is not that far from home being away in kuala lumpur but being homesick is something undeniable. I have been busy running errands for myself.
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Making sure that I have all the documents required to enroll for the classes and to make sure that I am not late for school. I have been sleep deprived and I can see that my eyes are becoming bloodshot, my face shows signs that I am tired and I get sleepy when the night is still young. I am a little disorganise with my timetable right now but I have promised myself to get back on my feet. Being in kuala lumpur for a different purpose other than holiday is totally a new experience for me. Usually I would be shopping or busy making appointments with my friends to meet up for coffee or tea but this time, I am busy getting myself acquainted with the shool system of a college in another country. I am busy getting myself acquainted with the people in the college. I see them all diary.
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I have heard so much about how the students in the college are likely to behave. I saw the girls who are vain, snobbish and proud. They speak english with a fake accent trying to make it sound natural. They dress to kill to go to college and for a second I thought to myself did they go into college to study or to get cheap publicity the easiest way? They are like bimbos who talk about things irrelevant to the subject they are studying in class. I was assigned to this group of students for group work and we ended up not doing the questions because the students in the group were too busy talking about how their lip gloss smell like champainge and we had another girl who said hers taste like beer. We also had one girl who talked about where she bought her school from and it makes me sick.
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I can’t fit in into those kind of people and I just feel suffocated with them. They are just no the type of people I mix with. I wold rather be in a cage full of orang utans than people like them, at least orang utans can be entertaining in a very genuine way.

i will see them when i get there..

dear diary,

.

i am very sleepy today because i slept at 3am last night. i was doing my history reading when pizza text me. she asked if she could call me to talk. she was feeling sad and down so i knew she had to talk to someone. she called and we talked for 3 hours and i had to put my reading on hold. pizza talked to me about her family affairs and i just listened to her predicaments giving her my piece of mind when necessary.

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the thing about pizza is, she is sensitive and thus she feels easily affected by what people say or do to her even when they meant well. she had a few brushes with me but since we are cousins, i do not really take to heart what happened between us and i forget abt the brushes. pizza is a nice person and a good cousin who is understanding with people but she often let herself be a victim to people sometimes careless comments and opinions indirectly hurting her confidence. i was very closed with her when we were growing up. i felt comfortable with her that i used to share everything and anything with her.

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she's a year older than me and that makes us share almost the same wavelength on anything except for a few differences in opinions. things were a little different after she got married but we remain close despite meeting less, however we take every opportunity to catch up whenever we get to meet. she told me that she's sad i'm leaving soon but she's happy for me because she knows that's what i have always wanted in life. chicken pie called last night and we talked a bit. she was at some place accompanying her cousin for her futsal training. she didn't join the training cos she was not well. i was kinda surprise when she told me she participates in the training sometimes.

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i never thought that chicken pie would play a sport especially futsal. it's a good surprise though so at least i know she's sporty too. i have always thought futsal to be a sport for lesbians. many of my friends in malaysia play futsal and they are all people like me. futsal is not so popular here in singapore although i have heard and seen banners for futsal players recruitment. i guess it does not receive much public support due to lack of publicity. it's the women's soccer that's popular here and yes, the players are 99 percent lesbians, butch to be exact. chicken pie agrees with me that futsal is probably the unofficial sport for lesbians. she told me there are many girls during the tournament and training sessions and i was thinking i probably should join any futsal club to play so i can know those girls.

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having many girlfriends is harmless so long as you know your boundaries. i have one person on my mind that i want to meet. i've never really known her but we've had a couple of interesting chat sessions. she's attached so i guess she's safe to meet. she gave me a couple of her pictures and i can tell she's that kind of girls with heels, short skirts, tube and spaghetti strap tops with body to die for. *winks* sounds sexy? well...i don't know but i like to watch girls like that but only for viewing of course and not for keeps. she gave me her number and asked me to call her whenever i'm in KL. i will do just that when i am there for good!! *chuckles*

she's my love...

dear diary,

.

little sister and i are getting comfortable with each other. we share almost everything and we tell each other things we do daily. it's like living as a couple under the same roof, we know of each other's activities. it's very pleasing you know. both of us have sulked to each other and both have laughed out loud to our hearts content. we talked about anything that's under the sun.

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i can see that little sister is cheekier and sometimes i just blushed by myself when she gets mischievious. i tend to be shy with her and always end up blushing to myself. little sister can be sweet, angelic, vulnerable, pampered and in control at the same time. she can be matured at times and when she's like that, her voice just makes me longed to hold her in my arms. she's a softspoken person and i think i will like her even more when we are together.

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her condition is getting better and the last check up brought good news. we don't know for sure but we are keeping the faith. i remembered one phonecall where she spontaneously cried very sadly. she made me completely stunned and i didn't know what to say or what to do except to let her cry and talk whatever she wanted to talk. i just listened to her and i knew then that my heart feels for her. i was really sad for her you know diary. if you had listened to the way she cried, you knew that her cry was a cry from years of bottling things up. i hope she felt a little release after she cried. she seems happy now, cheerful and sweet and the good thing is, she's all mine. i never could have asked for more.

retains that youthful glow

dear diary,

.

have i told you i bought one bottle of collagen matrix from nature's farm? it cost 178 bucks for 900 tablets. it's worth the price considering that it gives about 5-6 months supply of wellness to yourself. it contains ingredients that can enhance your beauty from within, like collagen 1,2,3 and a few other vitamins all in one. i have read about collagen and what it can do to your body. it helps to grow the natural minerals in our skin that we have lost over the years. it helps to eliminate signs of ageing and maintain the natural glow of your skin. i have been eating it for two weeks now but i do not consume them as suggested.

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it is suggested that the collagen are to be consumed 15 tablets a day after food. but it is not necessary to take 15 at one go. 15 tablets are to be divided by 3 in a day so that means you take 5 tablets each time after breakfast, lunch and dinner. i don't take 15 tablets a day but i only take 5 tablets so one bottle of collagen matrix gives me about 6 months supply. considering all the supplements i take in a day 5 collagen matrix is sufficient. i have to admit that i sometimes got so sick for drinking too much water at one time. imagine this diary, i consume 2 capsules of primrose evening oil, 1 tablet of hair protector, 1 tablet of bone formula, 1 tablet of vitamin-B and 5 tablets of collagen matrix daily.

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each time i swallow, i need to drink some water and swallowing 10 tablets makes me so sick of water sometimes. i cannot imagine some people who consume more than 15 tablets a day for supplements. i know some of my friends who consume 30 tablets of supplements daily and i can only wonder how do they do it!!i went out for dinner with hippo last night. i called her and make arrangement with her cos i needed to buy myself a luggage. did i tell you about the luggage diary? we went to bugis junction first but i did not find any that i like. furthermore, it didn't offer much choices so we decided to go to mustafa centre. my preference would be hard case cabin size luggage.

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colour doesn't matter but i would prefer bright colours because i plan to paste a lot of stickers on it. i want to give it a rugged and funky look. i saw one that suits my preference and the price is unbelievably cheap. it comes in two colours, green and maroon. i chose maroon cos there was only one green left and its wheels were not in good condition. i had to settle for the maroon one. i need to look for stickers and i am going to JB this friday to accompany mom to settle some issues with the banks in JB. probably, i can go to angsana and get some cool stickers there. i know there's one shop in angsana that specialises in ready made or made to order stickers. i need about 50 average size stickers or probably 30 of large size stickers.

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my intention is to cover the whole front side of the luggage with stickers. i probably will make 3 custom made stickers for myself. i hope they have cool stickers there. pizza once got a sticker for her car custom made at that shop. it looks nice and i fancy the workmanship. hopefully there are plenty to choose from over there.i also bought 2 bottles of perfume last night. hippo was selecting perfumes to buy and i joined her when i saw how cheap the perfumes were. i have been wearing gucci envy for 8 years now and i have always stuck to it. i think it is the only perfume that i have worn so religiously and loyally. i like the smell and i just want to have one identity about the perfume i wear. i want people to immediately think of me when they smell gucci envy, and i want people to associate me with gucci envy whenever they think of me. i want to make gucci envy my signature perfume which i have succeeded. but i think there is no harm if i were to wear other perfumes as well.

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i fell in love with red jeans and united colours of benetton. the prices are so reasonable to me thinking that i am going to be a student soon. red jeans ss half the price of gucci envy and has soft smell compared to envy. UCB is only 10 bucks and it's economical to wear it to sleep. it has strong smell like gucci envy. i bought one bottle of each. they are all very old perfumes and it's no surprise how their prices have change from the first time they launched. i still remember how my classmates were so crazy over the smell and packaging when we were students. now, they are just another old perfume on the shelve waiting to be labelled as vintage. if people are still buying them, it's probably because of old memories, the scent, the packaging or the price. i bought them because of the price and scent, however i am still going to stick with gucci envy. red jeans and UCB will be the second choice. having three perfumes in a lifetime will not be confusing i supposed.

being savvy with gadgets

dear diary,

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i did not plan to buy a laptop when i was browsing at Harvey Norman in my neighbourhood shopping centre. i knew i need a laptop but i only thought that i need it late this year. as i was browsing i saw one laptop with price tag i couldn't resist. it's Compaq 15.5 inch screen with 40GB, 512 MB, Intel Celeron with 20x DVD ROM, 3 USB ports, Card reader, PCMCIA card slot and wireless network technology. it doesn't come with bluetooth technology but i bought the external bluetooth dongle device to make it bluetooth enabled. i need the laptop to be bluetooth technology enabled because my palm top and mobile phone are bluetooth enabled. oh wait, have i told you i bought a new mobile phone? well, what else if it's not nokia? it's 3230 black and it's bluetooth. i can transfer files, videos and anything to each other wireless. that's the beauty of technology nowadays.

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people do things wireless and with a click of a button. it's so simple provided you have the know-how knowledge. my bluetooth dongle enabled me to get connected even if i am 100 meters away. i have yet to set up the configuration from my laptop to palmtop internet connection. i need to install a virtual serial port on my laptop before i am able to get connected to the internet via bluetooth technology. i have to find time to configure the settings and read the documentations on it. i am so busy now. i still need to pack my stuffs and prepare a list of what to bring to KL. i need to buy a luggage with wheels. i don't need a big one, i just need a small one cos i can use my other duffel bags. i saw one luggage bag going cheap but i took my time contemplating to buy or not to buy and it's not on sale anymore. what's even more regrettable, it has the size, colour, shape and design that suit my preferences. damn!! i should have bought the luggage when i saw it the first time. i saw another one luggage just now and it was cheap too but i don't quite know if i like it because of the price or design. maybe i better look around first and buy one which really suits my preferences. i have learnt my lesson for buying things on impulse.

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you know diary, i bought a bluetooth headset and i kind of regret it. it's loose and it falls off from my ear whenever i have to do rough activities waering it. it gives me the convenience of talking handsfree without the cord attached to the phone but it doesn't give me the assurance that it won't fall off from the ear. i should have bought the Motorola one cos it comes with a clip that allows you the freedom of talking without worrying if the headset will drop from the ear. damn!! it sucks man! you know how it feels like when you buy something that you really need but it doesn't perform to your standards. it's anooying and dissapointing. i am thinking of selling this headset away and buy another one or perhaps i could tie few pieces of rubber band around the earpiece to give it that extra grip when i attach it to my ear. geess, i really don't know. i keep buying things without checking for the past 4 days. first of all, it was my optical cordless mouse for my laptop. bought it for 20 bucks and didn't ask if it is battery operated. brought it home and found 2 triple A batteries in the package but couldn't find the compartment for the battery on the mouse. i was sure that it is battery operated cos it's cordless, if it's not battery operated, where would it get the energy to operate? so i went to buy a mini tools set to unscrew the screw at the bottom of the mouse thinking that's where the batteries can be inserted. i was wrong and i wanted to fix the mouse back but i couldn't cos in the process of unscrewing it, i used lot of force onto it and broke the latch. the mouse is useless now and i am so frustrated.

many tasks but little time

dear diary,

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it has been three weeks since i last visited the cemetery. i have been so busy lately that i hardly have time to myself. my room is getting messier and i have become a bit disorganised. i am worried about my studies but i know i will manage somehow. i just need to stay focus and discipline myself to stick to the plan. i am so eager to make it work and i know nothing will stop me now.i haven't had the opportunity to visit my brother cos i have been going for my driving lessons every weekend.

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the test is around the corner and i am almost running out of weekends for the lessons. i had to lose one lesson cos i cannot postpone nor can i cancell it cos it has been booked and paid. i will be away this weekend to register for school, make visa applications and arrange for my accomodations. i got to do so many things with so little time. that leaves me only one weekend and weekdays evening before the test to have my driving lessons. i have to squeeze 2 practical lessons in one day which is on the test date itself. it looks like i have lots of things to do this month.

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i have many major things to fullfil and i hope i am not going to be exhausted. i will be in KL this friday till monday, back to singapore to work, sit for my driving test on 29th july and then leaves for KL the very next day to start school on 1st august and then i have to be back to singapore on 4th august for the process of purchasing the house and then i think i am going back to KL again. oh my god...i think this year will be the busiest year for me and let's hope i will live through it. the class starts 11th of july but it looks like i have to miss three weeks of lessons before i am able to join the class. oh diary, everything happens so fast and everything needs to be done immediately. there's no time to lose and waste. i am really hoping that i will pass my driving test at the first time so that i do not have to schedule a retest and spend my weekend learning how to drive all over again. what's even worse, i have to come up with money to pay for the extra lessons again. if i have to i would but i will definitely try not to have to go through all the hassles again. it would be very tiring for me and definitely lots of hard work.

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i am preparing a list of my friends in KL whom i can call for help in times of emergency. JC, Traveller, chicken pie, ladyvogue, chatmate, loudspeaker, wira, big sister, durian, little brother, cutie, spring, aneroxic, taj mahal, joel, golden, reporter and well, i guess that's about it. there are some that i left out because i do not feel comfortable with them anymore. you know diary, russia is still in the dark about my coming to kl for good end of this month. i am not sure if she would be interested to know. we have not been keeping in touch for a long time now and it is kind of awkward. i am not sure if i am comfortable calling her for help if i need to when i am there. things have really changed between us and there is no comfort in our friendship anymore. that's what and how i really feel nowadays about russia. i guess it takes sometimes for this feeling to go away. but i am sure the news of my arrival to kl for good will make her smiles perhaps. well i dunno, only time will tell. however, i am sure i will not be calling her if i ever need any help as i don't want her to have the impression that i take her as a friend for convenience.

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that is the reason why i am excluding some of my friends from the list too. people can get on the wrong side of you sometimes.it is ironic that psychologist and pontianak have been erased from my friends list otherwise going to school would be more fun. sometimes i wonder how would it be like if we were still friends. i don't regret the fact that i stayed away from them but i do regret how our friendships or relationships have turned out to be. i guess this is how life is, even the prophet was not liked by everybody let alone us, humans. but it is a good thing that i have stayed away from them, i don't feel down and i don't feel lousy about myself anymore. it helps to boost my confidence back.

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i really wonder how does my late brother's grave look like now. haven't been there for awhile now. mom and dad have placed the mini garden gate around his grave. did i tell you why diary? mom told me his grave looks clean and beautiful now. i trimmed the flowers 2 months ago when we came. there are 3 marbles on his grave. they have been there since 9 months ago. all of us don't know where they came from but i am sure they were probably placed there by one of his friends who came to visit him. we didn't take the marbles out. we just left them there. i miss him diary and knowing that i will be leaving singapore soon makes me misses him even more. i feel it right here in my heart that i longed for him. i know where he is now and i hope he's doing fine there. if only he were still alive, i am sure he would be excited for me.

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you know diary, when he was sick, i was hoping that he would live through it. it didn't matter if he was paralysed, all i wanted was for him to stay alive. i didn't want to lose him. none of us wanted to lose him. i guess each one of us had this silent unwritten wish for him to stay alive regardless in what state he was. but we have to admit defeat to the almighty and acknowledge that he's not coming back.

hello kuala lumpur goodbye singapore

dear diary,

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i have been thinking of what to write for a long time now that i am infront of you. i am staring at your screen but i can't seem to have the idea of what to write. it is funny because i had a couple of things that i wanted to write to you about the topic today but nothing seems to be flowing out naturally.

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i have mix feelings about what i am going to do in 21 more days but yet i know it is all i ever wanted to do in life. i feel sad now and i also feel afraid and regret. somehow i know that when i leave...mom and dad will be by thmselves and my brother will be the only one left to take care of them. i cannot depend on my youngest brother since he does not stay with us. furthermore i have always felt that there are only my eldest brother and i now. my youngest brother is always excluded.

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i don't know diary...but all i am feeling now is sad.for the first time in my life, i will be away from my parents. i am beginning to feel afraid. i have never been away from them and knowing that i will be away is making me feeling so small without them. all these while i knew they are there to defend and protect me but now...they will be far and i am afraid. i thought of my late brother and if only he were still alive at least i would feel much better and protected. i have always felt that he was the hero in our family. he was the superman you know. tall big and strong but now he is gone...it's such a waste. i cannot get over this feeling of being secured and safe without him. for the first time in my life, i feel like a coward.

it's coming true now...

dear diary,

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it is true that people say you can plan but ultimately it is all in his hands. i planned to be there in January 2006 but the school called me yesterday and i had to spontaneously change my plan to july this year which is now. it is rather a rush for me but i think i have made the right decision. i have discussed it with my parents and they have agreed to allow me to leave at such a short notice.

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dad seemed reluctant and is worried about something while mum seemed cool and relax but i knew she is hiding her worries. i have to call the school again tomorrow to ask if i can register on the 16th of july. class commences on the 12th of july but it looks like i have to miss classes for 3 weeks cos i'll only be able to start class on 1st august since i still have to work till end july. i wonder what will my boss feel since he only expects me to leave by december this year.

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oh boy, breaking the news to him seems to be the hardest thing to do. i still can't believe it diary. my dream has come true and the day i have been waiting for all my life is here. my driving test is on 29th of july, i think i am going to need to do some Sunnat Hajat prayer. i need to get my license by end of july and book the car immediately. i have to call the school to arrange for my accomodation. looks like i have to put up at the school hostel temporarily before i am able to get a suitable place for myself. i still can't believe it, i still can't believe that the day is finally here. everybody is excited for me diary. i broke the news to little sister and she was so happy that she started to think how would it be like when we meet. i began to having some imaginations of my own as well. i told chicken pie about the news and yes she was excited for me too. she started to tell me that we could hang out at some mamak sidewalk cafes for supper. haa!! see, i have started to speak like malaysian already. nobody says mamak in singapore. well, if a thing is worth doing it is worth doing well.

nobody will dirty it anymore...

dear diary,

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so many things happened and i just don't know if it is appropriate to tell you. well you see, 1st july was my brother's first death anniversary and i didn't get to visit him cos i had other commitments and believe me, i have been very busy all year. we bought a mini fence for his grave to avoid people from using his grave as footpath to the other graves. it has been a year now and some graves around his have not been made yet. the ground is muddy cos the grass has not fully grown and so people going to other graves near to his always step on his ceramic tiles as a pathway to their destination dirtying his grave indirectly. i guess most of them are the contractors hired by the dead family members to make their dead's relatives graves. these contractors can be very insensitive most of the times. the cemeteries are their office and it seems that sometimes they do not have respect for the dead.

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there was a complain in the paper about a graveyard contractor who in the course of his work, place a pail on the middle of one cemetery. if the dead were to be alive it would looked as if the contractor had put the pail on his or her stomach. coincidentally, a relative of the respective dead person's happened to visit him or her at that time and he confronted the contractor and there was a bit of a commotion. i could understand how did the relative of the dead feel because i am sure i would do the same like he did if i saw someone disrespect my brother's grave like that. probably i would have hit and fight with whoever did that.

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my brother may be dead but his spirit still lives on inside me till eternity. i didn't get to help my other family members cleaned and decorated his grave. but i was told that it is very cleaned now and looks very nice. now, no one can dirty his grave anymore since we have fenced it. things are getting from bad to worse about my friendship with driver. hippo is being difficult with driver and it looks like driver is pretty unhappy with me. i guess he is upset with how i handled the situation. i never back him up when a misunderstanding between him and hippo occured, instead i always seemed to back hippo.

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i have tried to be fair but i have seen with my own eyes how driver turned hippo's house into a pigsty and i have known the fact of his untrustworthiness. so how on earth can he expect me to back him up at situations like that? driver is a good person but he is just messed up sometimes. he doesn't know when to shut up and when to talk and worse of all, he doesn't appreciate secrets. i cannot have such friends anymore and i guess it is time to let him go. my help have been regarded as an act of insincerity by him and he accused me of being ungrateful. those are cheap talk by him and i knew he was very dissatisfied with me because i did not at all defended him when he had a misunderstanding with hippo. if he wanted to take it all out on me, fine by all means. but he has to remember i knew him too well to let him win the verbal battle. i will squashed him and squeze all the juice out of him and i will leave him dry till there's nothing for him to talk anymore.

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i will bruise his ego till he feels the pain so much that he wouldn't even dare to lift his face to look me in the eye. i will attack him at every corner and will not let him talk till i am finish and by the time i am finished, he's too ashamed to even look at himself in the mirror. i am not revengeful but a man got to do what a man got to do. it's a pity that our friendship has to end this way but i guess it's destined to be this way. people live and people die, friends come and friends go it is just the way it is. in the end only yourself matters, not him, not her and not them. i have graduated from the days when i think that kindness is omnipotent. experiences have wise me up and from my observations it doesn't really matter how you are.

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if people want to be rude to you, they will and nothing can stop them. i had a little misunderstanding with little sister last night. it started from my conversation about driver and the money he has yet to return to me. little sister meant well when she said the things she said, it's just that i was dissapointed with her reaction. probably i took it to heart and it just happened that i was a little more sensitive than usual. i knew she was just concern over my welfare and probably said the things she said to me with good intention but i took it wrongly. i left her calls unanswered many times and i think i made her felt so restless and sad. i didn't mean to make her feel that way diary but how can she expected me to talk to her when i didn't want to talk anymore?

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i felt bad toward her but i was pretty turned off that day and i knew if i were to pick up her call, i wouldn't say anything and that would be a waste on her phone bills. i called her this morning though and she sounded very tired cos she has not slept since last night. immediately, i felt bad for making her restless like that. i listened to her voice while she talked and i wished i were beside her so i could wrap her around my arms. she's so sweet you know diary. she scolded me for not picking up her calls and for telling her to leave me alone. she didn't want me to repeat what happened last night again. i feel so blessed with her you know. she brings back the sparkle in my eyes and i think she made me see the good side of having a girlfriend. this is the fun thing with having a girlfriend, you quarell sometimes and you laugh sometimes. your life will get spiced up if you just use the right ingredients. she's ok now i guess, hope she will be back to her usual self.

dream a little dream...

dear diary,

I am down with fever, flu and cough.my body feels weak, my throat hurts and my eyes are warm. I don’t mind the fever and flu but I hate the cough. My chest hurts when I cough and especially in crowded area, I had to control my coughing and it’s such a misery to have to control your cough when the throat itches. I went to bed early last night missing Legal Boston on TV. Damn!

I had a dream last night diary. This dream is rather a surprise because I have not talked or spoken to her for a long time and last night I dreamt of her. We spent the night together with each other and we slept together with one blanket. I couldn’t remember the dream vividly but it was a simple dream. Flying waitress was the main actress and I remembered we did something together, I think it was a picnic and we had long conversation by the sea in that dream. we were supposed to go somewhere but we ended up sleeping. I was feeling very cold and so I covered ourselves with the blanket and I looked at her face in that dream. Her eyes were closed telling me that she is in a deep sleep and I woke up. I dreamt of her a couple of times before, if I am not mistaken it has been 3 times now.

It’s funny when you dream of someone that has not spoken to you for quite a reasonable time. I have to fill in the entry form for hang tuah and hang jebat cat’s competition before I miss the deadline. Hang jebat is going into the kitten championship category while hang tuah is going into the household category. I am so excited for them and couldn’t wait for the result. I am hoping for hang tuah to be at least in the top 10 for household category. I am not expecting much for hang jebat though, it is just the exposure that I want him to have. I am having a project of my own. There’s a prize for best dress cage competition and I hope to win it. I have this batik concept of the cage cover and I am going to have a roof on top of the cage. I am not sure how it is going to look like but I am actually giggling a bit now trying to imagine how my little project will look like. I still remember how we were not prepared during the first competition and hang tuah’s cage looked so bare and bald. We didn’t bring anything to decorate his cage, not even a towel until someone lent us a towel. This time round, we are going to come prepared and hopefully we will win the best cage competition.

I am not sure where the competition will be held but the last time we had one was at downtown east pasir ris. Hopefully it’s going to be held there too cos I have familiarised myself with that place. Furthermore, pizza is staying nearby there and probably she can come and watch the show but I doubt it would be safe for her as she has a newborn baby. We don’t want her baby to be breathing cat’s hair into her lungs. I am going to call her anyway and see if she wants to come. Oh wait, the entry form said it’s going to be held there again at the D`Marque. That’s just perfect.

I am going to send little sister a letter diary. I want to buy for her something but I haven’t thought of anything yet. I want to send her something which can make her think of me. Something which needs not be so expensive but yet valuable at the same time. I am thinking hard now. Give me suggestions will you? oh…perhaps I could give her one of my existing worn t-shirt. I mean, that t-shirt represents me doesn’t it? It is mine for quite some time, I have worn it many times and it has my smell in it. It’s not dirty or soiled or smelly but it’s mine and I am giving what’s mine to her. Do you get what I mean diary? It’s not lewd is it? It’s not like I am giving her my soiled underwear. Oh for crying out loud…I think that’s a good idea. But the only problem is, I don’t know which t-shirt to give.

You see, the thing about me is, I am stingy with my property. I don’t mind giving money but I do mind giving away my tangible property. Oh wait!! I know which one of my shirt I want to give her. Alright…I think, tonight I am going to wear it to sleep so it can have my natural body odour stuck to it and I am going to post it after that.

Oh diary, please don’t give me that face, I don’t have bad body odour so I am sure she’s not going to get annoyed with my gift. Do you think she will appreciate it diary? I am sure she will. I know little sister too well, she’s humble and I am positive she will know what it means for me to give her one of my existing favourite t-shirt. It’s always like that isn’t it? Anyone of us can buy expensive or perhaps cool gifts for people easily but not many of us can part with our existing favourite gifts for people. It’s different from any usual gifts we think of everyday, it comes with a value and memories which money cannot buy. Well, I guess that is going to be her gift from me. My favourite old worn t-shirt and it sure smells good.

bits and pieces of the girls

dear diary,

i have been thinking of aramis a lot for the past few days and i am not sure if i am missing her. it's been a couple of months since we last contacted each other. i am just wondering how she might be doing and if she is in the pink of health. i hope she is and may she be safe and sound wherever she may be. i could have text her or give her a missed call but i am afraid to do so. something tells me that it is better not to do those things anymore. i would rather know that she is fine from the last time we contacted each other. anymore efforts after that would make me feel not at ease if the message is not delivered or a call to her could not get through. i might go into wild assumptions and i will get worried again. it's better to leave things untouched and undisturbed. if i were to remember her, i would like to remember her as the person whom i once loved and that she is fine and healthy. she hasn't text me and i haven't seen her online for a very long time, i never wondered why and i never asked why. i don't want to know anymore. for whatever her reasons are, i will respect her decision and at least i know she's doing fine the last time we met and i would like to keep it that way. because i know, any bad news about her or from her would tear my heart apart and she can probably live with it but i am not sure if i can. thus, it's better for me not to contact her but only pray for her safety from a distance.little sister is the person whom i should be giving my attention to now.

it's been a month and i am a happy person again. i miss her diary and i like the way she sounds on the phone when she is showing her care and concern over me. she sounds so angelic, soft and soothing that you would feel immediately at ease hearing her. i have to admit that i have become a little dependent on her emotionally because she never put me down. for the past years i have known her, she never fails to make me feel important and most of all loved. although there are some problems in our relationship, but i believe both of us can manage them. i like how my relationship with her works cos it does not presurrise me and it relaxes me.

little sister is easy to manage and that is her beauty. she's so beautiful you know diary. she's not complicated and she's not difficult. loving her is something worthwhile and i appreciate her very much. there's a missed call from corn pie and i knew she wanted me to call her back. i couldn't be bothered. i would rather save my phone card for little sister than corn pie. it's been awhile that we have not spoken to each other. i was supposed to meet her on february but i cancelled the appointment as i had too many people to meet. the last time i heard from her, she was toying with the idea to work in singapore. i am not sure if the plan has taken off. i think i have known corn pie for 6 years now. wow...it's been quite a long time. corn pie is ok but she likes to talk too much about herself which i grew tired of listening to. i was thinking, my god isn't there anything else we could talk about other than yourself on my bill??

i never had any serious matured conversation with her and i got turned off but she's good for company though. i would say she's someone you would go for if you are not eyeing for someone to discuss about over social and political issues. she can talk non stop about herself and her friends and if you enjoy listening to gossips, i am sure you would enjoy her company. she has very sweet voice however. her voice and her laughter can make any hearts melt. nice voice but without a substance...it's just too bad. i should give her a ring one of these days. would love to know what she is up to. i saw chicken pie online at YM last night. it was really a surprise as i never expected her to be online since she kept telling me her laptop or wait, did she say desktop is out of order?

oh well whatever...i was using a different nickname on YM that might give her the impression that i have en eye for someone else other than her. it was a blunder but i think she should know anyway. she asked what's the nickname was all about. i skipped her question and carried on my conversation with her on other issues. she wasn't friendly to me last night and i was busy as well. her toothbrush is still with me and i am having second thought of using it. ha ha ha...well it's the most expensive toothbrush i have ever bought and ironically not for myself, but for someone else who keeps on cancelling our appointment. she told me she's buying a new car for her sister and it's a MYVI.

i wonder what does she need a new car for when she has 5 cars at home parked unused. some people just like to shop on impulse don't they? if my skin is as thick as the elephant's skin, i would shamelessly asked her to put the car under my name. that can save me lots of money you know. *chuckles* taj mahal text me a very short message. she asked how am i and said it's been a very very long time since we last spoke. she sounded as if we have not been talking for a decade and it was as though entirely my responsibility to send her some news of myself. i replied her back and at the same time said i haven't heard from her for a very very long time either. wonder how did that message make her feel.

she's been in an accident and i was sorry to hear that from her. she told me that things might not work out between us and told me to move on with my life but i am welcome to remain as her friend. i knew i had that coming. taj mahal and i are never a couple but we did something that every couple did during my visit in february and i guessed that made us feel like we were attached. people change and feelings fade away gradually. the things about her is that, i don't know what does she want from me. she kept telling me not to have any hopes from her but still send me text message saying that i have change toward her and that i am no longer affectionate with her. but everytime i am being affectionate with her, she says things that would turn me off. like, as though she's playing hard to get and always expect me to be lovey dovey with her when she's actually not with me.

i don't understand that girl and i just think she's confuse and if she only expects me to break the ice and initiate, then i am sorry cos i have graduated from those days already. i never thought of her as my girlfriend anyway...it's just that we shared some good moments together for awhile but feelings changed because of circumstances, that's all. i have strong feeling she knows about this and thus told me such news to comfort herself that she's the one who want out and asked for it first. it's not so bad if you dumped someone than being dumped isn't it? as much as i want to make her feel good, i still have to see if she's worth it. nevertheless, we are still friens now and i guess that's just how far it will go.